March 29, 2024, 12:49:17 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Sarah

1
I'm glad you feel your intuition was confirmed, but I have to say, it bothers me to hear a husband talking about his wife like that.  She is his wife and he should be supporting her, not tearing her down like that.  They have to work out their problems together.  He needs to be talking to her about that situation and something like that should be kept private between husband and wife.  It sounds like they need to see a marriage counselor to both work on their issues.
2
Quote from: Lillycache on August 14, 2014, 06:31:34 AM
Quote from: Sarah on August 14, 2014, 05:46:28 AM
Free - I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.  Would it be possible to have a relationship with your son without your husband?  Could you visit them alone?  Maybe offer some babysitting if they need it for a few hours?  Maybe being there alone without your husband would take a lot of pressure off of both you and the son.  Just a suggestion.  I think you are handling this really well.  ((hugs))

My question is.. Who would want time alone with someone who behaves like her DS anyway?  I sure wouldn't.  Free.. Good for you for letting your husband know where you stand.  Obviously you did it in a way that caught his attention and made him think.   Let him handle DS..  IMO your son owes you an apology if for nothing else than being disrespectful.  I think if any of us talked to our parents like he did to you we wouldn't have had to storm off.. we would have been told to leave.. adult or not.  You deserve better.

Hi Lilli - I said that because to me, reading this post, it sounds like the husband and son have some issues and husband is throwing free under the bus to a certain extent.  Perhaps things with the son would go smoother without dad around.  Free could smooth things over and continue to have a relationship with ds.  I was thinking take the triggers out of the relationship between father and son so its smoother for free.  If there is a way to salvage a r/s between the mom and son, that's always the way to go.   :)
3
Free - I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.  Would it be possible to have a relationship with your son without your husband?  Could you visit them alone?  Maybe offer some babysitting if they need it for a few hours?  Maybe being there alone without your husband would take a lot of pressure off of both you and the son.  Just a suggestion.  I think you are handling this really well.  ((hugs))
4
I'm sorry you're hurting from all this.  It sounds like alcohol and abuse played a key role in your home when your children were growing up.   I'm not judging but just trying to see why they resent you and perhaps al-anon might be a good thing.  To understand the effects on the family.  I think you might benefit from it.
5
Still - I agree with Louise.  Setting boundaries.  Staying elsewhere so you can pick up and leave if you have to.  As far as the zoo or other things, you are not the social director.  You answered her text.  That should be enough, I wouldn't keep on with it.
I can also sense your dread and I know what that dread feels like.  Hang in there, hopefully it will go okay and will be over soon enough.
(((hugs)))
6
Kate - I'm so sorry.  imo - sometimes, FB is a way to "zap" people.  "Look at all the fun we're having without you."  Its mean and its targeted.  I've been to many dinners I didn't feel a need to post online of "look how much fun I'm having." 
I agree with the others who have said rid yourself of Facebook.  Deactivate, even for a month.  I'm not into social media, but I think it sometimes creates more problems than its worth.  Take care of yourself.  (((hugs)))
7
Quote from: herbalescapes on June 28, 2014, 02:11:06 PM

If my DH can't be bothered to take off from work to take his mom to the doctor or can't be bothered to remember her birthday with a card/call/gift or can't be bothered to ask his own parents to babysit  but leaves the arranging of a sitter entirely on my shoulders, should I be considered the DILFH?  I think the vast majority of MIL/DIL problems are really DM/DS and/or DH/DW problems, with the MIL/DIL being used as a scapegoat. 


Thank you for that.  I couldn't agree more.  If my husband leaves his mother to me to deal with while he sticks his nose in a book, then I get blamed for not doing it right, doing it well enough, not being nice enough, etc...then really, why does HE get a pass?  It is HIS family.  Only so much you can take.  But the OP's comments seem very patronizing to me.  jmo.
8
Annette - I am so deeply sorry about your daughter.  I think your husband gave you the best advice of all, let him deal with your adult children.  You are struggling and don't need to worry about a financial burden from your son as well.  I am glad your husband stepped in and I hope that eases your mind.  Please just look after your health.  Let the rest go.  (((hugs))).
9
I'm so sorry you have gotten abused that way by being called names and treated like less of a person.  It is okay to keep your distance and I wouldn't push my husband to go see her anymore.  Let him handle her.  I don't care what her reasons were for saying anything, it sounds ugly and was intended to be mean and cruel to you.  I would go very low contact with her and hopefully your husband will do the same.  But no one has the right to abuse you.
10
If your son owns a home, they should be living there.  I would have a conversation something like this..."son, we've loved having your family here, but this is getting a little stressful for us, we love you and your family, but do you have a move out date in mind?" 
11
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I went off!
February 11, 2014, 10:44:42 AM
Hurt, I'm so sorry you're so upset but lets back up.  Your son is going through a divorce and he and his wife are deciding whether to live together again and they have a family.  It was wonderful that you took your son and his kids in, but that was up to you.  They had an argument and instead of letting them handle it, whether good or bad, you stepped in.  Not only that, but threatened to report them to child welfare.  That crossed a line for your son and his estranged wife.  I never said you should apologize for the welfare of your grandchildren, but threatening to report them to authorities.  Reporting an argument you heard and stepping into the middle of their marital fight.  I'm sure you were upset about it, but in order to be a family they need to figure that out and your threat was too much.  Now they have taken the kids away from you all together.  So even if you were "right" is it worth it to threaten them and now never be a part of their lives?  That's why I said you should apologize because now you are perceived as the bad guy they have to walk on eggshells for and now dil will try to keep them from you.  That's what happens when someone threatens to report you, you keep your kids away.  I hope they can work it out and I sincerely hope that you can find your way to having a relationship with those children.  I know you love them but you leveled a serious threat against them that they took seriously enough to shield them FROM you.  I didn't mean to hurt you by being blunt and I'm sorry if it did that, but there is another side here to look at.  I hope this resolves for you in a good way and those children can have peace in their lives.   Good luck. 
12
I am so sorry about your daughter but you sound like a caring person to step up for your grandchildren.  I know it is not what you want to do, but it is necessary for their welfare.  I don't have advice, just a lot of hugs for you.  I hope it goes well. 
13
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I went off!
February 11, 2014, 05:37:45 AM
I am going to try to say this gently, but no wonder the son walked out.  He and his wife were having an argument and not only did you give an opinion they didn't ask for when tensions were high, but you took it to an extreme and said you were going to report them.  If my mil did that, she'd be lucky to ever see my kids again.  It looks like you stepped into an all ready volatile situation when tensions were high, but you made it that much worse.  I think if you want to see your grandkids a sincere apology is in order from you.  Good luck.
14
I'm so sorry, this sounds like a mess.  I was just wondering why if she didn't live with you, her only other option is a shelter?  These are your son's children.  You have done all you can and he needs to step up and perhaps they need to go to family court about child custody, support, all those things.  I'm sorry if your son abused her, but she can't live it up high on the hog in your house.  I think you need to put this back onto your son and ask him what he plans to do about his children's housing because if she is taking advantage of you, so is he.  I also think if she has family that can help out, she can go back to them.  I'm not aware of all your options, I know you are scared to lose access to your GC because it sounds like you feel they won't be taken care of otherwise but both parents need to figure it out and quit taking advantage.  Perhaps if you talk to your son, instead of telling him everything dil is doing wrong, you could ask him what kind of life he plans to provide for his children and push him in that direction.    Good luck.
15
Wait..I'm so sorry..did I read this right?  He has one toddler and one on the way and you are upset he didn't thank everyone for gifts and you guilt him and email him and take him to task for this?  IMO, you are pushing him away.  He is a grown man with responsibilities.  Should he thank family members?  Yes, but that is not up to you to dictate.  imo, this is not a battle I would choose to have with my son.  Good luck.