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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Scoop on June 08, 2011, 09:43:45 AM

Title: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 08, 2011, 09:43:45 AM
So, how much notice do you need to host weekend guests?  How much is fair?

DH mentioned that his parents 'might' be coming to visit us for Father's Day weekend.   They haven't actually SAID they were coming for sure.  I don't like 'surprise' visits.  I am a planner, and I need at least, at the VERY LEAST, a week's notice for hosting guests for a weekend.  It drives me crazy that the IL's can't plan their time a couple of weeks in advance.  (For the record, FIL knows his schedule FAR in advance and MIL makes her own schedule.) 

I know that DH would like to have a "good" visit with them, but I don't know why he doesn't understand that it's already started on the wrong foot with me.  We've been all around this mulberry bush before, it's nothing new.

The worst part is that he won't do anything to 'plan' for their visit.  He won't think of meal ideas or activities, he won't wash sheets, make beds or clean up (and MIL is VERY critical for cleanliness).  So, he wants *me* to plan, because it's WAY easier on him that way, but he doesn't give me TIME to plan and then I'm angry - it's not shocking that we have a tough time over the weekend as a result!

ARGH!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 08, 2011, 09:54:03 AM
For guests staying overnight I generally invite them so I can be in charge of my own schedule and having to do the vast majority of the hosting load.  My DH is like yours or maybe even worse lol.  He doesn't lift a finger.  Which is fine.  What is not fine, IMO, is inviting someone without my knowledge/input or someone inviting themselves to my home.

In other words, I don't know that I have a firm time frame where things like this has to be done.  I would be extremely put off at the notion of someone inviting themselves to my home.  Very, very rude.  It wouldn't matter to me that they had discussed with DH first, they still invited themselves.  Putting DH and myself in awkward positions and undermining our home.

My FOO doesn't operate this way, just b/c I'm their daughter/sister/niece/aunt doesn't give them the right to treat me or DH any differently than they would treat their friend.

Heh, that actually just reminded me of a saying I just saw:  Treat your family as company and your company as family.

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 08, 2011, 10:06:44 AM
That kind of thing would drive me nuts for the same reason it is bothering you. And I know that husbands are not usually known for their huge contribution to house quests.  ;D ;D ;D It sounds like something the two of you need to bring out from behind the Mulberry Bush so you can create some ground rules around it. You aren't the hired help and no one can discount your preferences unless you let them. Sending love...
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 08, 2011, 10:17:30 AM
Scoop, I'd say it depends on who it is. I have a couple of friends who will pitch right in, not get icky about the occasional dust bunnie (or worse, LOL) and are just fun people to be around. They could pretty much show up with a couple of hours notice and I'd be fine. However, my SM & DF will give me 2 months notice and it still isn't enough time for me! She's very critical and persnickity. Unfortunately we don't have a handy nearby motel for them. If you have one near you, I highly recommend you pass the reservation info on to your ILs.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 08, 2011, 10:39:37 AM
I agree with Pen.  I don't have to have a set time either.  DH has a male friend that travels this way frequently on business and has an open invitation to stay in our guest room.  Most of the time, he doesn't know he will be here until that day, so not much notice.  For an extended guest or a picky family member, I would want more notice.  I think your week is more than compromising.

I have a DH that does help with everything and if he invites someone, does the lion share of work.  I also don't have any friends or family members that are picky about cleanliness or such, so I can say all this.  For someone like your IL's, I think I would want a month!

Sorry you are having to stress about a 'possibility' of a visit.  That's no fun.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 08, 2011, 10:49:00 AM
Maybe you could have a rotation plan...you host one visit and DH hosts the next. (I bet it would be like childbirth.) To make your point, you could draw up a plan for him showing everything he would need to anticipate and do. LOL!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: lancaster lady on June 08, 2011, 11:15:16 AM
Good Idea Luise ....a duty rota ....lol
I like the kind of visitors who pitch in , and peel potatoes etc ...
those who come to inspect your house are not really friends are they ?

I'm not too fussy these days , visitors know how hard I work , so clean sheets and bath are all
I provide , and if they want to take me out for a meal that's great , they can come again ...lol

If DH wants a stress free visit , he has to pitch in and ease the strain ...or pain !
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: gretchenw on June 08, 2011, 11:28:53 AM
Quote from: Scoop on June 08, 2011, 09:43:45 AM

I know that DH would like to have a "good" visit with them, ...


I don't know when Fathers Day is, because we don't celebrate it in my country.  But since you know that DH would "like to shave a good visit with them", I would consider this a lovely way to treat my DH to a great Fathers Day.  I would do the planning for a visit, and invite his family.

Just my 2 centimes.

GW
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 08, 2011, 12:59:33 PM
Ah Gretchen!  You had to bring that up!

It's true, it would make a good Father's Day gift to him, and I know it.  It just chaps my hide that to do something nice for him, I have to bend over backwards for them.

They're not easy guests.  MIL is picky about cleanliness, much, much more than I am.  To the extent that I get the impression she thinks I'm "dirty".  She doesn't even like to eat food that I've cooked.  And I don't like to eat out for 4 meals in a row.

As for the idea of alternating, I wouldn't even go that far.  *I* prepare for visits to/from my family and friends, and I want him to do a little bit more than "help" for visits from his P's.  They visit once, maybe twice a year (although, once, they did go 2 whole years between visits).

I won't leave him to founder, but I will let him know that I'm already angry about this visit and what he can do to fix it.

Thanks guys.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 08, 2011, 01:28:44 PM
We live in a lovely and popular area that gets a lot of visitors.  We follow Ben Franklin's 3 day rule.

I invite people to my house.  It works better for us.   Like you, I'm in charge of most of the preparation.  To be fair, DH doesn't care if somebody comes over and the cats' litter isn't freshly changed, the fridge is empty and the kitchen floor isn't swept.  I do care; that's why it's on me.  An upside of that responsibility is I am in charge of the invites.  DH will suggest to me, but since I'm the one who needs the time to clean, shop, prepare then I get to pick when. 

When I invite, I accept a "maybe" as a "no" after a few days. Then I feel free to make other plans. If somebody comes back later than a few days with a yes, I will tell them sorry, wish I knew sooner.  That's the only way I can come up with to stop "maybes" from driving me nuts.  And the next time, I noticed I will get a yes within a day or two.

If somebody invites themselves, we tell them about a great hotel near here.  If we don't have to work or don't have other plans, we do leave lots of time free time to spend with them. We drive them around, go for walks, eat out.  We'll have them here for a meal or a movie.  Much easier to do a light cleaning for a few hours here and there, than having someone live in my space with me for 3 days.  Preparing 9 meals and all snacks and beverages and day and night entertainment is no fun, and if I didn't sign up for it, I resent it.  After all, it's unpaid unasked-for work.   It becomes - what's the point of visiting with a resentful worn out host.

If Father's Day is too soon for you, as preparer and facilitator, and it's still in"maybe" limbo, perhaps switching to the next weekend after that will work better for you.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 08, 2011, 01:34:52 PM

QuoteThey're not easy guests.  MIL is picky about cleanliness, much, much more than I am.  To the extent that I get the impression she thinks I'm "dirty".  She doesn't even like to eat food that I've cooked.  And I don't like to eat out for 4 meals in a row.

The older I get, the less I care about meeting the standards of others.  I hope to come to a place where, like my DH, I don't much care what they think of how we live.  It's good enough for us.  Its more than good enough, we have a really cute little place and it is mostly clean.  My favorite place in the world in on my soft couch with my kitties and my husband.  It is pure luxury for me.  Forget Paris, forget the Four Seasons.   I wonder why I think it can't it be good enough for someone who wants to see us? 

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 08, 2011, 01:38:32 PM
I'm like that too, my house is "mostly clean" and I like it that way.  We live there not anyone else.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: RedRose on June 08, 2011, 02:24:07 PM
Quote from: gretchenw on June 08, 2011, 11:28:53 AM
Quote from: Scoop on June 08, 2011, 09:43:45 AM

I know that DH would like to have a "good" visit with them, ...


I don't know when Fathers Day is, because we don't celebrate it in my country.  But since you know that DH would "like to shave a good visit with them", I would consider this a lovely way to treat my DH to a great Fathers Day.  I would do the planning for a visit, and invite his family.

Just my 2 centimes.

GW

I agree with gretchenw...2 weeks notice would be enough for me...I would welcome them.

Talk about surprise visits...My husband's 60th birthday was May 30th. His family (3 sisters and 1 brother)drove 12 hours from Canada just to wish him a Happy Birthday. They stayed 4 days and I was so unprepared. But....it was worth it.
But, I handled it ok
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 08, 2011, 05:09:28 PM
Sometimes those surprise visits do work out! The visitors can't expect much since it is a surprise, after all...and the host/ess doesn't have time to get stressed, LOL. But again, it would only be fun for me if the guests weren't super-picky, white-glove-test people. My spice racks aren't alphabetized, for example  ;D

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 08, 2011, 05:15:58 PM
I only surprised someone one time, I almost got hit with a shovel.  Not doing that again lol
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justus on June 09, 2011, 07:03:34 AM
I think it really depends on the guests. For guests like your MIL, two weeks minimum if you are the one doing all the work.

I am a planner, too. I make lists, menus, and start cleaning way in advance. I did this not only for guests, but for trips. I made lists, planned for snacks, made meals for the road, planned the route, bought all the stuff we might need, and gathered a bunch of information about where we were going so we had lots of options for activities. It drove DH nuts, because he would feel guilty for sitting there not doing anything, and I did get a bit tense about it. He kept complaining that I "planned too much." So, I stopped planning. After a couple of trips that went sour because I had not done all the work ahead of time, and he had to do a lot of last minute stuff he didn't normally have to do, DH said, "Well, you didn't plan this one very well." I said, "Neither did you," then I pointed out none too subtly that he hated it when I planned things, and he gave me a really hard time when I did, so wasn't going to plan things in the future. He apologized and told me he was an idiot. He actually initiates the planning now.

My advice is not to do a thing until you know for sure and then don't knock yourself out. There should be obvious consequences for their lack of planning. If they do decide to come, tell him what needs to be done to prepare for their visit and let him chose which half of the chores he is going to do, because you won't have time to do it all. Let him know you are not going to kill yourself trying to clean to his mother's standards, so if he is concerned about that, he should start now. Make a list for both of you and put it on the fridge. If he doesn't do what is on his list, don't do it yourself. Let "natural consequences" be your mantra. I might even leave the list up so that when/if your MIL complains or is displeased with something, you can say you did your best with such short notice, or point out that it was her DS' responsibility to do that. If your MIL is uncomfortable eating your food, make sure that your DH helps you prepare it, if he is capable. Or make him responsible for half of the meals. Have him prepare his specialty dish for his Dad, wouldn't that be a good gift for FD to his D?

I don't think most men appreciate the work that goes into having guests because we just do it without expecting them to help until the guests arrive. Time to help him understand what he is asking of you. If you do make him responsible for half the planning, you won't be so angry about the visit, and your anger won't sour it. It might be a lot more pleasant without that cloud hanging over everyone's head.

I don't think you should feel pressure because it is "a good FD gift for him." You shouldn't feel pressured or guited into giving a gift you wouldn't otherwise chose to give.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 09, 2011, 09:27:48 AM
Quote from: justus on June 09, 2011, 07:03:34 AM


My advice is not to do a thing until you know for sure and then don't knock yourself out. There should be obvious consequences for their lack of planning. If they do decide to come, tell him what needs to be done to prepare for their visit and let him chose which half of the chores he is going to do, because you won't have time to do it all. Let him know you are not going to kill yourself trying to clean to his mother's standards, so if he is concerned about that, he should start now. Make a list for both of you and put it on the fridge. If he doesn't do what is on his list, don't do it yourself. Let "natural consequences" be your mantra. I might even leave the list up so that when/if your MIL complains or is displeased with something, you can say you did your best with such short notice, or point out that it was her DS' responsibility to do that. If your MIL is uncomfortable eating your food, make sure that your DH helps you prepare it, if he is capable. Or make him responsible for half of the meals. Have him prepare his specialty dish for his Dad, wouldn't that be a good gift for FD to his D?

I don't think most men appreciate the work that goes into having guests because we just do it without expecting them to help until the guests arrive. Time to help him understand what he is asking of you. If you do make him responsible for half the planning, you won't be so angry about the visit, and your anger won't sour it. It might be a lot more pleasant without that cloud hanging over everyone's head.

I don't think you should feel pressure because it is "a good FD gift for him." You shouldn't feel pressured or guited into giving a gift you wouldn't otherwise chose to give
.

Really good points all around, Justus.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 09, 2011, 10:18:12 AM
Justus:  Applause!

Scoop: How is you DH with compromise?  And how is he with a maytag?
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Keys Girl on June 09, 2011, 03:04:18 PM
I don't like this kind of thing.  Given that your husband isn't going to help do anything to "entertain" his family, the burden falls to you and he doesn't give you any notice.  Totally unfair.

I suspect that it will go on like this for decades, so I suggest the following:

A. Plan a wonderful weekend at the last minute and hire a cleaning lady for your fussy MIL.  Give the bill to your husband.
B. Give yourself a "Spa" day with all the works for at least 3 weeks.  Give the bill to your husband.
C. Suggest to your husband that if he doesn't give you more notice in the future, you'll hire a cleaning lady and a local restaurant to prepare all the meals for the weekend and you can sit around and "enjoy" the visit because you need more notice to organize things.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 09, 2011, 03:07:02 PM
Oh, I just love those suggestions, KG!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: gretchenw on June 09, 2011, 03:34:18 PM
I'm starting to feel that I don't belong here.  Because there's no way I would punish my husband just because he and his family wanted to spend some time together at our house.

I never liked the extra burden of the big dinner parties my husband has every year for all his students.  (He is an academic).  He always told me not to worry, he would take care of everything, but I found that if I took his advice, all his guests arrived on time whereas he was at least 1/2 hour late (late because he was out shopping for food), then all his guests were starving before the food was ready (because you really can't manage to cook chicken, fish, steak plus vegetables for 20+ people on a small barbie in less than 2-3 hours.  I realized that I had to do the planning, most of the cooking, etc, and it took me 2 days - so that he could have a successful party.  I did (and do) this as part of our 35-yr partnership.  At least he's a lot better than an academic colleague of his, who has been known to invite 40 guests for dinner while forgetting to tell his wife!!!

On the other hand, you could treat your in-laws the same way my son's wife treats me.  I am not welcome in her house.  It is eminently clear to me that this is true, because she totally ignores me if I am there.  Ignores me to the point of fixing breakfast for herself while my husband and I sit waiting for my son to get something ready for us.

Is this a generational thing?  Or is it culture?  (I am posting from the Netherlands).

gw
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 09, 2011, 03:47:28 PM
Gretchenw, there are many points of view. I'm glad you are giving yours, it helps to have different ways of looking at things. You sound like a kind and giving person, and your ILs are very lucky. As for your DIL, I feel for you, because I'm not welcome at my DIL's either...DS will invite us in for a quick stop if we're all out together, but we've never been invited for dinner or whatever. I'm always willing to have DIL at our home, though.

I think the OP was frustrated because her DH never helped but expected her to be ready for a visit from his persnickety Ps on short notice.

LOL, your story about your DH's colleague who forgot to mention to his wife that 40 people were coming to dinner is pretty amusing. Talk about the absent-minded professor!

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: elsieshaye on June 09, 2011, 04:36:25 PM
Gretchen, I hear what you're saying.  For me, it always came down to balance.  Early in my marriage, and especially for the time that I stayed home with DS, I didn't mind making my then-husband's lunch for the next day, or helping out in any other way he asked, since he was out of the home working long hours, which helped me be able to stay home with our child.  I didn't mind planning for having company over, for the same reason.  It felt more like a partnership at that point, and I had no problem doing my part.

However, when the tables turned, and I was the one working two jobs while he was home most of the day (and often all day as he was quite frequently unemployed) and our son was in daycare, I got very resentful about still being expected to make his lunches, do all the housework, and be the primary caregiver for our child. 

There's give and take in a relationship, or there should be, and when one person feels consistently disrespected or taken for granted, that person is much less willing to do things for the other person.  I know I didn't feel angry about plans my husband wanted my help with until I started feeling that he did not take my needs into consideration.  My "line in the sand" was not doing the dishes, when I finally did try to find a way to make myself heard.  (Talking did not help.  He'd agree in principle, and then still get shirty with me if his lunch wasn't made, regardless of when I got home that night, or what our son needed.  Haha, can you tell that I'm still bitter?)

Scoop, please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like your main issue is not so much that his parents are coming, but that there's no recognition of (and no help with) how much work is required to prepare for them, given the expectations they have while they're there.  And you really do seem to care about their expectations.  I know my ex would have said "oh, don't worry about them - they're here to see us and don't care about the house" no matter how many snide remarks and digs his father made (all of which were directed at me because I was the woman, and none at his son the packrat who was responsible for 90% of what we owned, and wouldn't hear of throwing anything away, ever).  He had learned to ignore his father, and I hadn't yet.  I did eventually get to that point, because one seriously couldn't survive XFIL without cultivating a cheerful disregard for whatever came out of his mouth, and I started to mirror how his own children and other relatives coped with him.  When that happened, I spent a lot less time fretting about the comments and the visits were a lot less stressful. 
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 09, 2011, 04:37:23 PM
Gretchenw, I think it was nice of you to react that way for your husbands dinners.  However, I think overnight guests are a totally different ballgame than a dinner and guests for a few hours.

Keys Girl, I totally love your suggestions!! LOL
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: foofoo on June 09, 2011, 04:49:55 PM
Hire a maid service to come the day before they are supposed to arrive.  Make the maid service be his father's day present.  Then, all you will have to do is plan a meal or two.  Make the meal or two a bbq and hand him a plate of meat and a spatula.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 10, 2011, 05:34:11 AM
Ha ha..I love all these suggestions!

gretchenw, you belong here just fine.  We all give different points of view at times and will have great conversations about them.  I totally get where you are coming from, because I am like that.  I have always viewed as the "wife-female-woman" or whatever you want to call it, that I would probably be more of the planner.  He's just not that good at it.  That's ok, he mows the yard and does laundry most of the time.  He does help me plan visits or overnight guests, but when his friend comes, that equates to making sure he has steaks to grill and beer in the fridge. Lol.  I have to check the sheets, towels, bathroom supplies, etc.  He just doesn't think that way.  If he wanted to have a party, he would help but he wouldn't remember 75% of the things it would take to do it.  Again, he would have the food and beer covered but wouldn't care if we had napkins.  His thought, "we got papertowels?"   

If you will go back and find some of the discussions we have had on things like holiday, birthday cards and gifts, you will see we have varying opinions on that too.  Some of us just shrug it off and think "it's just what I do" and some believe the DH should be getting his own for his family.  I promise, we all get on the same page sometimes in here, and sometimes we don't.  But it's great to see the other side.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 10, 2011, 05:45:43 AM
And sometimes we just get silly because it is fun to do that once in a while...like maybe putting up a big quarantine sign on the house?
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 10, 2011, 05:52:46 AM
I like that, or she could hire one of those pest-control people to come place a big tent over the house like they are fumigating?
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 10, 2011, 07:11:17 AM
The main problem for me is the "no notice" because it comes with a big helping of "planning expected".

I was also hoping to point out that, in our case, the weekend goes sour (on me) *LONG* before the IL's even show up.  Sometimes, instead of hating MIL, it comes down to hating the rigamarole involved with DH and planning these visits, and I will admit I take it out on them.

My DH finally called them and was told that MIL is still trying to rearrange her schedule.  This will always be a sore spot for me, because her work will always be more important than her family.  Missing one weekend will not make her lose her job, or put them in the poorhouse.  At what point have you made "enough" money, that you can take some time for your family (and yourself)?

But at least I'm not mad at DH (for this), he called them, like I wanted him to and last night he did do some work around the house.

As for the cleaning lady, I'm sort of ashamed to admit that I already have one and she *is* coming a few days before the visit.  We still have to tidy up before she comes (she doesn't know were all of our junk goes - she does the cleaning, not the tidying) and we'll still have to tidy up AGAIN before the IL's come.  We have to wash the sheets and make the bed.  We have to get the special groceries required when the IL's visit (MIL does NOT drink tap water and MUST have cream in her coffee, among other things).

I swear, I'm not an ogre, I want to be a good hostess, but I need TIME to do it.

Thanks for your replies - especially the funny ones!  I wonder if I can get a quarantine sign AND an extermination tent?
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 10, 2011, 07:35:47 AM
Scoop, have you read The Dance of Anger?  I'm only starting it but I think you would really like it.  It has already helped me in understanding why I get so angry over similar things, like the anger before the ILs visit and starting it out on the wrong foot for me.

Anyway, does your DH have a solution to this issue?  It seems to me that having this brought to his attention once or twice should at least be a signal that something has to change.  I think he may be silently hoping that you'll change lol. 

Question, does your MIL ever call you to schedule visits?  Do you want her to?  Or would you prefer that remain in DHs hands? 
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 10, 2011, 08:07:34 AM
IMO, the hard cold truth is that for those we love and feel comfortable spending time with, these pre-guest chores are no problem and aren't resented. Resentment builds when we feel obligated to entertain people we don't know well, don't like, or don't feel comfortable around.

DH & I are not loved by DIL, hence no invites from them. The reason we don't resent readying for a visit by her & DS is that we will do just about anything to see DS.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justus on June 10, 2011, 08:15:22 AM
Gretchen, it isn't about punishing your DH, but about helping him understand that you can't just pull a guest ready house out of your behind on a moment's notice, and the best way for people to learn is through natural consequences. Most guys don't "get" that it takes planning and work to have guests, so they shrug it off, expect you to just go with it, and don't understand why you can't relax and enjoy the weekend. This leaves some people feeling like they are being taken advantage of or taken for granted and a bit like furniture. I certainly have felt like this with my DH and have had to give him a demonstration, for lack of a better word, of the value of all the "little" things I do that add up to a lot. My DH is a great guy who does a lot for me, and I enjoy doing things for him, but he used to feel sorry for himself every once in a while, because he was "doing all the hard work." He knows differently now through natural consequences.

Scoop, definitely put getting the groceries on your DH's list of chores. It sounds like an issue for you, so let him deal with it so you can let it go and not get angry about it. DH has a wheat allergy and when we went to visit his parents last summer, we went grocery shopping to get the special items DH needed when we got there. I just don't get that demanding guest sort of attitude. As a hostess, I always make sure I have special items on hand if I know my guest likes or needs them, but no one has ever expected or demanded it, and I don't expect it as a guest.

BTW, I am totally jealous that you have a made. It is just DH, me and the dog, but I could use one. DH just knowing that someone else was going to see his mess would induce him to start picking up after himself.

I read the Dance of Anger years ago and it helped me immensely with my FOO and in so many other areas of my life. I highly recommend it.



Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 10, 2011, 09:05:34 AM
So many of you guys have endorsed that book.  I think I am going to have to order it.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: lancaster lady on June 10, 2011, 10:03:50 AM
just going off subject here a bit .....we have decided to sell our house !
Will my DH get his finger out and do all those little jobs that have been annoying me ....err NO !
So when I say I'm going to get someone in to paint xyz .....no need for that says he, I'll do it !
so it looks like we'll be here for quite a bit yet !   >:(
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 10, 2011, 10:11:29 AM
Quote from: lancaster lady on June 10, 2011, 10:03:50 AM
just going off subject here a bit .....we have decided to sell our house !
Will my DH get his finger out and do all those little jobs that have been annoying me ....err NO !
So when I say I'm going to get someone in to paint xyz .....no need for that says he, I'll do it !
so it looks like we'll be here for quite a bit yet !   >:(

Oh LL!  Bless your heart!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 10, 2011, 10:17:59 AM
LOL LL!  I hear ya.  Finally received a long overdue payment from a client so I took it, opened a renovation account in my name only and it's going towards a new kitchen.  He left a paint job unfinished for over a year, I give up.  Professionals it is.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 10, 2011, 10:29:11 AM
Are we all married to the same guy, LOL? I'm with you Pam; as Annie Lennox says, "Sisters are doin' it for themselves!" Unfortunately stuff is needing updating and repair faster than I can save for it. I need to come up with some brilliant scheme a la "Waving at the Bus."

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 10, 2011, 02:12:11 PM
It is funny how similar they are, must be the breed LOL
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Keys Girl on June 10, 2011, 02:47:24 PM
Scoop, to get back to your topic, I think you need to tell your husband that you require a minimum time frame (notice) for weekend guests.  If your MIL's job is so demanding, she can plan ahead and put a weekend aside and then you can plan for it too.

It's been decades since my in-laws used to descend on me, with expectations of elaborate meals, etc. while my ex found spending time with his parents boring so he used to leave met to entertain them.

I have to say it was one of the best bonuses of my divorce that I never had to put up with these tiresome, exhausting weekends.  I now only invite people who I love to see and who I love to make elaborate meals for.

Good luck, and as the old saying goes "always change a losing game".
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 13, 2011, 06:16:50 AM
Well, it's Monday morning and I still don't know *if* I'm having guests this weekend.

I have done some of the prep work, but I'm not knocking myself out.  Sadly, it's DH who will suffer.  We haven't made any other Father's Day weekend plans, so he will miss out if they don't come.

Hey!  The Dance of Anger?  That's MY book suggestion.  I guess I'd better take my own advice and read it again.

As for the cleaning lady, I would never give her up.  The way it was explained to me was, if I smoked, I would be going through more than the $80 every other week that I pay my cleaning lady.  AND if I made LESS money than I make right now, and I smoked, I would STILL be going through that money!  The best 'reason' I give to other people to convince them that they *need* a cleaning lady is that not only do you NOT have to clean, you also don't fight over cleaning.  So now, we run around like crazy, tidying up on Monday nights, and then by Tuesday afternoon the house sparkles!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 13, 2011, 07:12:16 AM
Gee whiz, Scoop. A planner like yourself doesn't have alternate plans for Father's Day? JK..but seriously, maybe you should have some little outing in mind so as not to appear P/A  :P

I just don't understand people who can't be considerate enough to be definite about their plans to visit. If they can't give you a yes or no in a timely manner they get what they get.

Thanks for giving me permission to hire cleaning help  ;D   I should start smoking so I can give it up and justify putting the $$$ towards a cleaning service. Alas, we don't fight about it...I just do it all, I'm the one with more time although I do work outside the home.

I hope your weekend is nice, whatever you end up doing. We haven't heard from DS, so I have no idea what DH's day will include. Guess I should make some flexible plans as well.

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 13, 2011, 07:51:29 AM
LOL Scoop, I thought you had may have read it, I wonder if you were the one who suggested it to me lol :)  Very, very good book so if so, thank you!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 13, 2011, 09:36:34 AM
This is how I would handle this.  Not saying you should!  This is how I would.  I can't handle a dangling unanswered RSVP and the rudeness about it without getting cranky.   I'll answer no for them if they won't.   When inviting, I usually say "let me know in the next few days" and after that I will assume it's a no and tell them we've moved.  It doesn't happen a second time.   Less than a week is not enough time for me to have high maintainance guests staying with us.  It's unreasonable to expect someone to keep a schedule open for weeks without a yes or no.  Unless it's a touch and go medical situation or a special circumstance they explain, I think its flat out rude to take advantage of my time and energy like I'm not worthy of an RSVP.   If someone tries to, I can't leave myself open to it.   Long term, I would not want this maybe, wait and see, and keep waiting, and keep waiting, to become these visitors new visiting tradition.     I will not teach them this is an acceptable way to treat us.

For all those reasons, I would let the other people know it's a shame they haven't been able to determine their schedule, but we figured by not hearing back if they are planning to come in the last few weeks, at 5 days out we read the writing on the wall, and have decided to go ahead plan our own schedule for this weekend.  I'd let them know we'd been looking forward to celebrating Father's Day and are making other plans to do so.   I'd let them know June 24 th and July 8 th is still open for entertaining them, and if they can let me know in a few days, I'll put them down in ink for that time.

For me, one of the advantages of me being responsible for most of the planning for the guests is also being able to set limits so I'm not treated like an afterthought.     If someone were to treat me for weeks like a stay in our home is that low on the list, I lose all impetutus to make it fun and engaging for either of us, and the point of the visit, sharing good company,  is lost. 
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 13, 2011, 09:48:48 AM
Scoop: I started having a cleaning lady in my 20s and now in my 80s I still have one...who has also become a dear friend. They are good at what they do and I am not. They like to do it and I don't. That's a no-brainer for me, since what I do doesn't interest them in the least.  ;D
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 13, 2011, 09:49:35 AM
See? The "waiting waiting waiting" has already become their visiting tradition.  I think it's a control tactic on MIL's part, to see how long she can keep us dangling.

I would tell her what I think about it, but I don't speak with her on the phone, nor do I e-mail her.  All communication goes through DH.  They don't call the house phone (and NOT because it's been forbidden, they just don't) they call DH on his work phone (while he's at work).  I don't know why, but he doesn't call them from home either.  I've never said anything about it, one way or the other.

So this is just one symptom of a bigger problem - I know.

I wish I had the chutzpah to take DD and take off for the weekend.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 13, 2011, 09:51:50 AM
Sending you a ton of chutzpah!  8)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 13, 2011, 09:52:10 AM
What about making a plan to take DH and DD off for the weekend for a Father's day thing?  Then you can tell DH, "Hey, since your parents never said they were coming, I made plan for the 3 of us."  Then if MIL calls DH's phone, he will have to tell them no??????  That kind of let's them know what Sassy was saying but puts it back on DH to tell them????

Thinking out loud....
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 13, 2011, 10:14:15 AM
Scoop, I wouldn't tell them what I think about it (being rude and such).   That would make trouble.   I'm not out to make trouble;  my plan is to reduce it.   I would cheerfully tell them they can relax about going through the trouble of determining their schedule for this coming weekend, since it's such a late date, we have already made other plans.  If they sound terribly dissappointed, I'd mention the other open weekends along with a 'respond by' date. 

And if I didn't say this to the other party directly, then I suppose I'd say it to DH.  He'd have the option to pass it along.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 13, 2011, 10:57:43 AM
Since dh has said they "might" come for a visit, at least you have had a "warning!"  Can you tell dh you will welcome them to come for the weekend but that you need help in the prep and cooking and cleanup afterwards and that you need his support in backing you up on MIL's pickiness; and that you want him to NOT go along with eating out every meal; in fact, if he helps you in the kitchen, (or if she does!) she would be less picky; I'd go so far as to ask for help in meal planning and cooking, which flatters most MILs (my being one myself!)  How can she criticize what she has prepared?! 

I'd like to get this in my own ballpark and call and ask if they are coming.... and suggest the 2 days so you'll know how long they are staying.  I hate company that doesn't say when they are leaving!

My dh's family was accustomed, years ago, to visiting each other w/o even a phone call; just show up in carloads at relatives' homes!  Very close, large extended family.  We had plans to go out one night and had a babysitter & the aunt/uncle wanted to babysit and dh was too shy to let aunt/uncle know we had one; so he had to tell the poor girl when she showed up that she wasn't needed bc I told him it was his family; very rude and embarrassing.  None of the family was picky but I still was upset being caught w a messy house or lots of things planned that had to be dropped.

Since then the family has shrunk and we always know when they are coming; even most people don't pop in unless for a short visit.  I was raised to think "surprise visits" were synonymous w being inconsiderate although many don't think that way.....
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Keys Girl on June 13, 2011, 11:38:47 AM
Scoop, why don't you turn the tables on them and tell them on Wednesday that you and your husband are going to visit THEM.  That way they don't have to go through the bother of sorting out their schedules.  Give them a couple of days notice and let your MIL make the meals, etc. etc.  Make sure the bring a big gift basket for Father's Day and then in the future their "Schedules" might get sorted out a bit quicker.  After all, you are just being helpful by saving them to the travel and hassle, etc.

Alternatively, I would plan for a weekend away with my husband, less than a week's notice for weekend visitors is just bad manners and the pattern needs to be stopped or altered.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 13, 2011, 11:46:44 AM
KG -  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 13, 2011, 12:32:38 PM
I think the Universe is trying to tell me something.  It's been a common 'problem' in my life lately that I've had "all of the responsibility and none of the authority".

I'm not sure what the answer is, because there's always a good "excuse" to roll over and at the end, I do 'get' to be outraged over my treatment.

Hmmm, time to dig deeper.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 13, 2011, 12:37:33 PM
Very astute! Sending love...
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 13, 2011, 12:56:04 PM
I love the idea of your visiting them!  In fact, we like having our son and family visit for occasions like that; it's like you're honoring them by visiting them!  (In my case, I consider it to be such, and you can tell dh that this is a great way to pay tribute to dad.) 

And you're right, then MIL can cook and clean to her satisfaction and you and dh can just show up with the gift!  Great idea!

If you, yourself, would rather skip this visit, you could send dh and kids (if you have) to visit his parents and you could visit your dad (if this applies), especially if you haven't seen him much on F.Day; maybe the kids need to see your dad; I don't know your history; or simply say you have plans but want dh's family to have dh visit; dh's parents may enjoy having son all to themselves and maybe g.kids if this applies.....

If mil is so picky and so much work to entertain, then that seems like a possible solution!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 13, 2011, 06:51:28 PM
See?  It's always a power struggle with my MIL.  She *wants* us to come to her.  She doesn't like being on my turf.  It's even historical, because her M is the same way.   The IL's once went 2 years without visiting us.  In this case, it will have been a year since they last visited.

DH wouldn't go visit them by himself.  I wouldn't allow DD to go without me.  My Dad is deceased (it's only been 2 years).   And really, DD has a recital this weekend so we're sticking around. 

BTW - we're sitting around here tonight and DH is NOT calling his parents to find out one way or another.  I've started suggesting alternatives for the weekend.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 14, 2011, 06:06:36 AM
You go girl!  Make some plans!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 16, 2011, 05:35:46 AM
I am curious if Scoop is having guests this weekend!  ::)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 16, 2011, 07:21:35 AM
I know, me too..
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 16, 2011, 07:57:57 AM
Me three!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 16, 2011, 08:27:33 AM
The line is getting longer...wait for me....
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 20, 2011, 06:25:55 AM
They came, they saw, they didn't eat.

We did end up finding out late on Tuesday that they were indeed coming.  They didn't end up arriving until 11 am on Saturday (and left at 3 pm on Sunday).  So, 8 hours (total) driving, to spend less than 20 'awake' hours with us.

I have to say that I really stepped back and left most everything up to DH.  He did the tidying up.  Although, I did get the groceries - he's not allowed to get our groceries anymore.

But oh man, MIL drives me CRAZY.  It's nothing big, it's just a bunch of really annoying little rude things that get to me.  She sings in the car, and has to have the music loud - fine when you're alone, but we were TALKING.  Or else, if I started to tell a story about DD, she would butt in and start talking about DH when he was young.  That totally shuts me up, so now, she hears even LESS about DD.    She also had to check in to work several times, and made several LOUD speaker-phone calls from the car and at the kitchen table.

At the recital, they were evidently BORED.  Seriously, you can't act interested for 45 minutes?  Ugh.

After the recital, they had to make up for all of that lost shopping time, and since we were all in the same car, we ALL had to go shopping.  Ugh.  How interesting is that for a 6 y/o?

And just stupid stuff like "Oh, Starbucks is SO complicated, we don't know what to order here!" and DD tried to tell MIL what she was having, but MIL doesn't pay attention to DD.  SO when MIL saw what we ordered, she sighed and said "I love those" and then made DH go up and get her the same thing.

After supper (at a nice restaurant, I was sneaky and paid for everyone), we were sitting on the back deck, DD was in the kiddie pool,  MIL came out, looked at the chair we had for her, went back in and got a tissue and wiped it down before sitting.  (It was NOT dirty - it had been sitting under a canopy.)  It was a HUGE production, wiping, looking at the tissue, wiping again, looking again, sitting, checking out her bum to see if it was dirty, going back in the house to dispose of the tissue.  UGH.  Personally, I was insulted.

During this time, MIL, FIL and DH were chit chatting (I don't add much to the conversation because I'm always getting interrupted).  DD was saying "Grandma look at this!" wanting to show off her swimming.  I swear she would say it 10 times before MIL would look at her and acknowledge her.  MIL often says "We miss you, we wish we could see you more." to DD, but when she does have a chance to pay attention and interact, she doesn't.  It made me think that she doesn't miss "us" or even DD, she misses DH and THAT'S IT.

Neither of the IL's ate the casual lunch we offered them.  FIL ate the dessert I had prepared for after supper, but it was his birthday, he could hardly say 'no' - but MIL did.  MIL had a cup of tea, FIL had a cup of coffee.  That was the full extent of what they ate at our house.  They insisted on going out for breakfast, their treat.  They did not want lunch on Sunday either.  I'm SURE that MIL thinks my kitchen is dirty or *I* am dirty and won't eat anything I make.

Let's see, they bought a tiny bikini for DD (we don't buy her bikinis), fine, she wore it in the pool and the top kept coming up, because she's VERY active in the pool.  So she won't be wearing THAT on vacation this summer.  Then on Sunday, they bought her ANOTHER bathing suit (bringing DD's bathing suit count to 5) and fancy flip flops - which she's not allowed to wear to daycare or school, so pretty much ALL summer. 

They also gave us our anniversary gift (which was 'okay').  The thing is, our anniversary isn't until August, and my (significant number) birthday falls in between.  Who knows if I'll be given anything for my birthday?  But it was obviously not something that any forethought was put into.

One more thing, their dog pooped, twice!, in the house.  AND they didn't control the dog, so the dog kept going after our cat (not maliciously, just nosing around, and scaring him).  So the cat was stuck downstairs and peed and pooped in the basement (on some not-very-precious fabric).  Not a huge deal, but none-the-less, it shows that neither the IL's nor DH were paying very much attention to the dog.  Conversely, when my Mom was taking care of my brother's dog and visiting us, she kept the dog on a leash and really controlled her around the cat.

To be fair, I have to say that after breakfast on Sunday, we went mini-golfing and had a good time.  They're not super-competitive, so it was fun.

One more thing, we just booked a vacation and MIL said that we should have told them, because they would have come with us.  Can you imagine?  There's NO WAY I would be able to spend a whole week with her.  NO WAY.

So that's the update from me.  It was totally a duty visit.  Hopefully we won't have to see them until Christmas and hopefully they won't visit again until next year.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 20, 2011, 07:22:20 AM
I found myself bristling as I read your post. I have no sympathy...none...nada...for self-absorbed people who think they are the center of the Universe. I don't give a rip about their rationale...none...nada. Sending love...
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 20, 2011, 07:29:32 AM
I have to say Luise, my heart leapt into my throat when I saw that you were bristling!  Oh no!  Then I saw the 'sending love' and realized that it was at my MIL, not at me.  Phew!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 20, 2011, 07:36:14 AM
;D ;D :o :o 8) 8) :-X :-X :) :)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: forever spring on June 20, 2011, 09:08:18 AM
Scoop, some people are just awful - so sorry you've got such a rough deal with your MIL! The chair wiping episode showed that she must have deeper problems which may not even have anything to do with you and the standard of hygiene in your house. She's not likely to change. 
Everybody seems to be trying very hard to accommodate this MIl from hell. You are certainly doing a great job. It's just a blessing that she does not live round the corner.
  :o   :o   :o
Can you see the funny side to her weird behavior or are you too close to it all?
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Rose799 on June 20, 2011, 09:25:59 AM
Quote from: Scoop on June 20, 2011, 06:25:55 AM
To be fair, I have to say that after breakfast on Sunday, we went mini-golfing and had a good time.  They're not super-competitive, so it was fun.

Small blessings...add this one to your gratitude journal, Scoop...   :)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 20, 2011, 09:41:56 AM
Oh, I will be able to laugh about it in a little while.  It's just too recent for me right now.

But it does cement why I don't call her to chit chat and why I don't put myself out there for her.

I guess I'm still sad about the relationship we *could* have.  Because if I truly hated her, it wouldn't bother me for them to only visit once per year, or for them to only spend 1 night.  I want to be a good hostess, but I know that I can fold myself in half 5 times and she would say "Why not 6?".  So I don't even bother.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 20, 2011, 10:28:44 AM
Please acknowledge, Scoop, that you did beautifully...because you did! I'm touched by your tolerance.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 20, 2011, 12:14:38 PM
I think you did awesome Scoop.  That was some hard moments for you to have to sit and take.  I do think chelmsford is on to something.  You said it cemented how you felt as to her behavior, so now....you can sit back and laugh about it hopefully while it is happening.  I know it's hard when it comes to ignoring DD, because there is just no excuse for that, but the whole chair wiping thing?  Next time, go get a roll of paper towels and the windex and bring them back to her, hand them to her then go sit down and just keep talking.  She'll either get the hint that you are acknowledging that she doesn't think you clean, or it will appease her if she truly has some kind of OCD issue, or she will get the fact that you are not playing her "attention" game. 

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: twyla on June 20, 2011, 12:23:46 PM
That doesn't sound horrible to me, minor nuisances, yes. I guess this is how my DIL feels about me. I have OCD and wipe down things before sitting to manage anxiety. Unhealthy, also uncontrollable. It wouldn't be  insult, just a problem; I even do it in my own home. I also am not interested in recitals for GD, except for that 3 minutes she happens to be on stage. Other than that, recitals are boring. If you were intuned to what was going on on the stage, how did you know they were bored? Starbucks overwhelms me as well, but I enjoy a cup of joe when I finally decide, it just doesn't stop me from saying it. This woman seems to annoy you a lot, but you aren't happy that she spent so little time there. How did she react when you asked her to turn down the music? You weren't happy with your anniversary gift, but it sounds as if you will be upset if she doesn't get you a birthday gift. If someone is not happy with what I got them, I don't get them gifts. I can't play guessing games, so I quit. If I were your MIL I would feel constantly watched for any reaction I have that you could take offense to, and I'd limit my gifts/trips/reactions to GD lest I upset you somehow.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: ginger on June 20, 2011, 01:08:57 PM
Hello, New here and I pray that I am not met with resentment for butting into this conversation.  I found this site because I am in a quandary concerning my own daughter-in-law, I feel that no matter what I do everything is blown out of proportion.  When I read this post from beginning to end I could easily see myself in the same shoes as this mother-in-law.   

Similar to the poster, my son has confided that his wife smugly demands that he is to do all preparations if and when I am allowed to visit.  I view this as my son being punished in advance and he better understand that there could be more at the end.  Matter of fact, my son recently asked me not to come for an over night visit because he did could not find the time to clean their house and wash the sheets that I would require before my arrival.

I too have given gifts to my grandchild just to be told by my son that his wife did not feel that the gifts were good enough.  Just like this grandmother in the story, I also gave my granddaughter a cute pair of flip flops when I was informed that Staci could not wear them to school, I really did not purchase them with school in mind, I thought they were cute.  The next time I brought her dress shoes to go with an outfit I was then informed that she could not wear there to play in and so again they were not appreciated.  Yet if I do not make the purchases then I'm in the wrong for other reasons.

When visiting, my intentions are not to put my daughter-in-law out so I will also treat the family to breakfast or lunch depending on the circumstances but even those efforts are scoffed at be it the service was not up to par or she had planned something special but did not make mention of it until after we arrive at the restaurant.  Once this takes place there is a damper placed on the outing which was being offered with all good intentions.

I came to this site to better understand how I can avoid the brewing animosity.  I was jarred by the majority opinion that this mother-in-law in this story was equivalent to the Mother-In-Law-From-Hell as one poster put it with another echoing that she was on to something.

I'm trying very hard to be a good mother-in-law because I am not a bad person.  It's hard when  my every move is scrutinized in a negative light.  Any suggestions?   
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 20, 2011, 01:23:22 PM
Welcome  - She would sure have been the mother-in-law from Hades for me but then you can go to Success Stories and read about mine...who walked on water 65 years ago when we became related by marriage. If anything I was the daughter in law from Hades.

IMO: These kinds of things can be pretty subjective. What drives one person nuts can be no big deal to anther. Not that one person is nicer...but some probably have thicker skin. Mine is paper-thin.

What we have here is our member's experience. It isn't a right or wrong thing. Sending love...
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: ginger on June 20, 2011, 01:53:31 PM
MY relationship will be hard pressed to continue with my daughter-in-law as it is currently.  How do I continue having a relationship with my own son when it has been made crystal clear that my daughter-in-law's first priority is to become irritated by my existence?

I do not fully understand luise.volta's response, does this mean that my daughter-in-law is thin skinned thus making her intolerance acceptable?  I am not trying to downplay what this member felt but the fact that she was met with resounding encouragement for her handling of this Mother-In-Law-From-Hell. 

What can I do at this point, if I send a maid service to provide a service before my arrival then it will be viewed that I feel my daughter-in-law is dirty or lazy, if a service is not provided then my son has to come home after a long day as an auto mechanic and dive into cleaning the house by himself.  I've been told that not only will his wife demand that he alone cleans the house but he has said that she will intentionally add to the messes from the time she knows that I am coming.

What this boils down to is my son is being punished for her thin skin.  My grandchild is being punished for her mother's thin skin.  I am being put through the wringer because I have run out of directions to turn as each one I've chosen is wrong.

I would like for Scoop to tell me just what it is that a mother-in-law must do in order to see her son and grandchildren and prevent them from taking the brunt of punishment for my daughter-in-law's thin skin. 

Can you tell me how to contact Scoop please?
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 20, 2011, 02:06:04 PM
G;. It's time to take a deep breath and step back.

Please go to our Home Page and to Open Me First...and under that heading please read the Modified agreement and How This Started.

We don't give out email addresses and we try very hard not to get too emotional when other people's  posts seem to reflect what we are dealing with on one level or another.

Scoop was here to be heard and honored. She is not a prototype. She's a lovely person at her wits end.

You are here to be heard and honored as well. Please just read other threads for a while to get an overview...then post again when you are ready. Sending love...

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: ginger on June 20, 2011, 02:13:46 PM
I am not trying to become emotional, I have tried to understand.  I was looking for a website that helped look for answers and recourses so families did not break apart.  That may not be what I am seeing here, I don't know.

I guess my concerns are not conducive to these boards, and I have been seen as butting into a conversation that did not directly pertain to me.  I have read and read and read past postings, if I'm not welcomed to post on this topic because I can almost see myself as this mother-in-law am I allowed to start my own topic?
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: lancaster lady on June 20, 2011, 02:56:10 PM
Hello ginger and Welcome :
Of course you can start your own topic ......
go to the category you think your topic comes under and click new topic .
We welcome all new members and would like to hear your story .
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: ginger on June 20, 2011, 03:38:41 PM
Thank you Lancaster Lady
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 20, 2011, 03:49:39 PM
I won't get things going again, like any controversy, but Twyla and Ginger, I, too, am a MIL and when I first read the posting of the dil dreading the visit from the MIL and FIL, and how picky the MIL is, I felt the MIL must be really hard to like, let alone want in the house.  I totally did not like that MIL!  seemed so hard to get along with on purpose!

After reading Twyla and Ginger's posts, I, a MIL, can see that things aren't always black and white as I had thought.  I am really hesitant to buy gc clothing/shoes bc although my dil wouldn't say anything, I usually wait for a list my dil gives family so I get the right thing.  Otherwise I buy books and age appropriate toys.  I don't think the MIL was trying to be anything but helpful but what the dil and mil think is appropriate don't jive. 

Sound like the MIL does have some germophobia or OCD tendencies which would explain the seat wiping and not wanting to eat at dil's house.  I know people like that; it seems terribly picky but they actually cannot help it and do need help.

I know the dil feels overwhelmed w MIL's demands and DH is trying to please all.  I don't think that MIL cares only for DH even though she was too preoccupied w the adults to pay attention to gd; she must miss dh and doesn't "see" gd as needing her attention.

I also think if she disliked the dil so much there would have been no gift at all even though it is early for the date......

I know it was said that the MIL wants all visits at her house and except for brief visits at dil/dh's house, that might be best bc I honestly think that the MIL has problems like OCD or germaphobia and her pickiness might actually be caused by that.  She also seems not in tune with things like the radio, talking on the phone (things I consider rude but many don't) and not being able to decide at Starbucks.

She simply sounds like she has social anxiety and lack of social skills.  Perhaps she knows dil's feelings and this makes her so uptight she ends up doing all the wrong things to be pleasing; I know in my desire to do everything properly I have said and done things around dil that I regret; it came in my case from nervousness and walking on eggshells.

I don't really understand the MIL but do hope the family can continue to get together some for the sake of all.  The gc need to know their gparents and it's obvious that they love dh and vice versa and in some ways MIL and FIL do try to do a few things to show love for dil. 

It seems no one understands anyone else...... but I honestly don't think MIL is trying to upset dil.   If MIL wants the gatherings at her house, it might be better, at least the overnight ones, bc I think she has some social/germophobic problems......

Not saying this is easy for dil to handle bc she is trying to take care of her own family.  Dil is overwhelmed w daily duties and trying to accommodate an "unusual" mil esp. when dh doesn't help or explain or try to help in the situation, I can understand the dil's frustrationl

I can just see MIL and FIL not having a clue as to how to make dil happy and doing everything in a rather weird way.......  I really think she's trying, not just in being difficult!

Maybe dh can explain their behavior, esp. his mother's; and he could smooth the way before the next visit?  As a past dil and now a mil, I can understand some of both feelings...... I just hope my dil doesn't feel so irritated by me; I know I talk too much out of nervousness and I try harder than ever not to give advice.

This is all very difficult in most families; please try to tolerate MIL for everyone's sake, even if it isn't really frequent; dh and gc and even dil will suffer for a cut off. 

meant after thought for both sides!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 20, 2011, 04:48:08 PM
First off - Ginger, I'm sorry I haven't been on-line this afternoon until now to reply to your questions.  Even now, I'm typing on my phone - just to clear the air.  I'm not mad at you for joining the conversation (it's not butting in).  But please be patient, many members come on at specific times of day only.  It might take a whole day oe more before you "see" everyone.

Man, I don't know how kids do it - my thumbs are already sore.  I'll try and get on later and address your specific questions.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 20, 2011, 05:07:43 PM
Hey Ginger.  I'm very glad that you entered this conversation.  You will find here, we don't consider anyone "butting in" to give their perspective.  I am also an MIL that has a difficult DIL, but I have been around here for awhile and I know alot about Scoop's MIL.  I'm sorry your DIL makes your DS clean or no visit, but in Scoop's case, it's been a history of Scoop having to do everything to prepare for an in law visit, but yet criticized for her efforts.  The encouragement I was applauding on this is that she was trying to get DH to pitch in and help.  It shouldn't be a DH or DW always having to do everything for visitors, when both parties are inviting.  Both partners should pitch it to make the visit enjoyable.  Scoop wasn't getting that cooperation from her DH.

Her MIL has been very difficult for Scoop to get along with and not for lack of trying on Scoop's end.  It's hard to read a story and when it sounds familiar to our own, not see similarities, but I promise you this, Scoop is a very understanding, compromising, giving person and I would be thrilled to have her as my DIL.

I am glad you are throwing out your perspective, and I also agree with what Luise was trying to say...there can be something that drives someone bonkers that I think "that's not that bad" and I have things that drive me bonkers that I'm sure others say "that's not that bad".

I hope you stick around and keep "butting in". :)

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: twyla on June 20, 2011, 06:52:16 PM
Pollen is bad here today. That yellow crap gets everywhere even though my furniture is on the covered deck. Does MIL have allergies, Scoop? Since DH cleaned, was he offended by her production? Since he cleaned this time, it was his cleaning skills that didn't make the grade, not yours.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 20, 2011, 07:20:15 PM
Ginger - I'm sorry I can't help you with your specific situation.  I can only tell you about my experience with my MIL.  I have to say that this is one of the reasons I love this forum, we can talk about these things, without getting emotions involved.  You can say what you want to me, and since I'm not your DIL, I can't cut you off from your DS and GK's over it!

With my MIL, the biggest problems with their visits is that they don't give us enough notice.  I found out on Tuesday night that they were for sure coming last weekend, but even then, we didn't know for sure if it was going to be Friday night or Saturday morning.  I have enough work to do around the house that I'm not prepared to invest time in preparing for "maybe" visits.  If I have enough time to prepare for a visit, then I will gladly do my share.   (I should note that when MY family or friends visit, or we leave to visit people, I do the lion's share of the preparations.)  However, without notice, then my DH has to pull the greater weight of the work.  Part of my point in my initial post was that our weekend had gone sour before my IL's had even walked through the door.  So who can fix this?  DH can.  He can pin them down to a go/no go for visits far enough in advance for me to plan, or he can do all the planning and the 'work'.

In the end, he's the one who can do the most to smooth the relationship between MIL & I.  He knows what she wants, he knows what I want.  It would be up to him to do the 'relationship' work though. 
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 20, 2011, 07:39:55 PM
Twyla, the thing is my MIL doesn't have OCD.  If this was something she did to ease her anxiety, then I would understand and I would help as much as possible.  Even then, it would be up to DH to tell me that's what this is about.

As for DH, he doesn't care.  It probably went right over his head that MIL cleaned off the chair.  He doesn't care that she throws her money away on stuff for us that we'll never use, that clutters up our house.  He doesn't care that our house wasn't clean enough for her.  It's not on his radar.

So then, this is why I've stepped back, why should I care if he doesn't?  I have to say my stress level, in terms of the cleanliness of our house, really went down, because I didn't get worked up over it.

I should also point out that this is where I come to vent.  I was perfectly civil to MIL all weekend.  I didn't call  her on any of this petty stuff.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: ginger on June 20, 2011, 08:23:55 PM
You are saying that you do punish your husband due to the visit by his parents?  If it were your parents visiting  you would have no problem being caught up on household duties but if it is his mother then you are to busy?  You went on to say without notice, your husband can pull the greater amount of the work yet they did give you notice. 

I hear you saying that your initial point is that your visit was sour before it took place, and that if your husband does not come up with exact dates and times then he can do all the planning and all the work.  So my son is being punished for my visits, no wonder why he confided in me that he was no longer feeling like a man.  I'm sorry entered your topic Scoop.

Pooh thank you for the warm welcome but I do not hear where Scoops husband is not pulling his fair share all I can hear is he is being .. never mind
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Rose799 on June 20, 2011, 08:37:12 PM
Ginger, have you discussed your feelings with dil?  I know it isn't always helpful; I just wondered if you'd tried that route?

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: lancaster lady on June 21, 2011, 12:07:08 AM
Hi everyone ,feeling better today,ready to chat .....lol...      Re house cleaning ,last time I visited my DS ,I thought the house was dusty ,but then I  am not the house doctor and they weren't trying to sell me their house ! I went to see my GD , and I was so glad to be there ,who cares about a bit of dust !    Today I have been asked to go ,and my DS asked me to bring food for a  meal ! Reason being his partner doesn't cook !  LOL ........She hasn't from day one ........So Mom goes with supplies and cooks , my future DIL doesn't give a monkey .......she's glad someone else is cooking..                              Ginger..........why not open a new topic and share your story .Gives us an idea where you're coming from.  ... :)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: lancaster lady on June 21, 2011, 12:10:21 AM
Oops ......just saw new topic .... :)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 21, 2011, 06:08:21 AM
Oh but Ginger, there *is* a difference between when my Mom visits and when DH's parents visit!  My Mom gives us a LOT of notice, more than a week - so I have time to plan everything that needs to be done, and then do a bit at a time every day.  Then it all gets done, without adding any stress.  Also, my Mom doesn't judge our housekeeping, she's here to visit *us*.

To find out on Tuesday, that we might have company on Friday, gives us only 3 days to: clean the house top to bottom, wash the guest room sheets and make the bed, get the special groceries required by the IL's, as well as the normal chores that take up so much time.  It's also the end of the year, so on Wednesday evening, we had a school picnic for DD.  How is it a punishment for him, to prepare for his parents visit, in the time given?

And my MIL does judge our housekeeping.  If the house isn't spotless, she finds a way to make a comment about it.  And she does it in a girl-bullying kind of way where it's not a sneer and a white glove full of dust, it's more of a 'look, shrug and sigh', or else it's a "what are these shoes doing here?".  Since DH doesn't "get" girl-bullying (because he's a boy), he doesn't see it and he doesn't care.  But *I* get the dig.  So in fact, I'm the one getting punished for him not cleaning to her satisfaction.  I can see that if I were more of a jerk, I would tell him that I'm not going to clean while he's watching TV, and I'm not going to put up with any judgments from MIL, so he'd better get off his duff and clean to *my* satisfaction or the IL's won't be allowed in the house.  But I'm not quite *that* much of a jerk.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 21, 2011, 06:36:31 AM
Scoop, I can tell you like to be prepared for your parents' visits, as well as your MIL's (and I do understand your MIL's pickiness..... seems like no matter what you do, it won't be good enough, and dh does need to help prepare for both your parents' and mil's visits.  I, too, was very organized and wanted to be prepared well ahead for visits.

Years ago, dh's family (including extended family w aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) would arrive at any relatives' house w/o warning and be made welcome, even if it meant sleeping on the floor; some rather poor people, some w/o phones, and maybe on road trips which were their vacations, stop to visit for a couple of days totally w/o warning, but always helped with meals and cleaning up.  But you can imagine how I felt w a carload pulling up to visit and I had to make beds and get food from freezer to cook while dh was so delighted to see them that it all fell on me!  (I was raised that if you didn't call, you wrote a letter that you would be visiting!)  I was very organized and this just blew my mind!  DH's mother and aunts always dealt w all the visits (both sides of the family) so he had no idea what I was going through.  I was berated by dh for being inflexible!  Now no one was picky but it was a tremendous amount of work, esp. since I worked outside the home!  Resented it, too, bc dh just didn't get it as this was how he was raised.

Thank goodness things have change a lot and the family has shrunk and if someone does want to visit we have plenty of notice and NOW dh has realized that the house needs cleaning & helps with the cooking and all.  We always wait to be invited or ask permission before visiting others.  In fact, he works his butt off preparing for any visit!

But I wouldn't wish anyone, Scoop, to wait years for dh to change; he definitely needs to help a lot before anyone's visit!



The way people were raised really makes a difference. 

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 21, 2011, 06:45:26 AM
Scoop, I know you've said that mil wants you to visit them, and I know w dd's recital and all sometimes you can't leave your house to go visit them.  But since you visit not often and since dh resists helping so much and since mil is so picky and actually wants you to go to their house, why fight city hall?

i mean, go ahead and for next visit, go see them?  DH can do the driving both ways and you can let mil clean and cook to her heart's content.  Also, you can decide when you are arriving and when you want to leave; if she gets on your nerves too soon, there's always a reason for your having to return sooner!

I know this is playing into mil's hands, meaning this is what she wants, but let her do all the obsessive work! 
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 21, 2011, 07:11:58 AM
If only it were that easy.  At MIL's we STILL have to bend to her will, and it's her house, so I'm hip to that.  So we make our bed, the way she wants it done.  We don't leave a glass out, to have another drink later.  We don't let the dog on the sofa.  We don't make any noise when she's on the phone.  DH does the work they want done. 

Even then, it's not enough.  When it's time to leave, MIL comes up with more work for DH to do, that only he can do, that simply MUST be done before we leave.  Or else, she will do anything to try and keep us, offer us food or coffee, again and again.  Or she will try to make us wait while she packages up leftovers.

And when we do visit the IL's, it's not fun.  MIL spends her day obsessing over the cooking and the cleaning and her work.  She doesn't DO anything with us, she just sighs and moans at how sore she is from all the hard work she's doing - she's such a martyr.

The bright spot of visiting them is that SIL lives in their hometown and the DN's are DD's age and they have a BLAST together.  I love my SIL, she really is a nice person and I would dearly love to be able to stay at HER place and just 'visit' the IL's.  But that would be an unforgivable slap in MIL's face, even though the girls have SO MUCH FUN together.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 21, 2011, 07:22:15 AM
I would use the "Cousin Connection" as an excuse.  8)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 21, 2011, 07:25:06 AM
Whoopie cushion, hand buzzer and invisible ink....  :)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 21, 2011, 07:41:44 AM
Oh, gee, Scoop, and I thought my mother was bad about not leaving a glass out, all lights turned off immediately, make beds just right, kids ask before looking in the fridge!  Thank goodness my dh's easy going ways and my refusal to be like her kept me from being that strict w guests! 

Visits at her house sound horrible; (oh, and my mother, once widowed (( I know your mil still has fil)) ) insisted on my dh doing lots of "honey do" jobs around the house but she didn't prevent us from leaving w those chores nor procrastinate in keeping us there like your mil.

It is too bad you can't stay with sil...... I totally see why staying w mil is horrible; getting a break w cousins is a relief, but the overnights and all sound like nightmares.

wow.... staying at mil's sounds like boot camp with emotional trauma thrown in for fun!  Forget I suggested it!

Ok, I can totally see visits being held at restaurants as much as possible with as few overnights together w mil as possible! (with cousins/sil sneaking in to visit you!)



Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 21, 2011, 09:32:57 AM
Quote from: justanoldgrandma on June 21, 2011, 06:36:31 AM


The way people were raised really makes a difference. 



Isn't that the truth! My DH's family & extended family did "pop-in" visits, complete with carloads of kids, back & forth for vacations. My FOO planned well in advance. I don't know which is worse; with the pop-ins I don't have time to worry myself into a frenzy, but my house isn't always "company-ready" & I've been embarrassed a couple of times. With the plans made months in advance I end up spending more money than necessary because I have time to think of every little thing that might be criticized. My SM is very persnickety and will mention my failings (DIL is similar, although she's getting better.)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 21, 2011, 02:10:22 PM
Your DD sounds adorable.  MIL is the one missing out. 

I am glad DH chipped in on the cleaning.  Maybe in the future, he will let MIL know when you'll need to know if they are coming or not.   

The guests brought along an unrestrained, unsupervised, untrained dog who pooped inside your house.  Twice.  And you said nothing. Gold star of restraint!   If it were me, next time a visit came up, I'd also want DH to be asking about them finding a kennel before they arrive.  For the cats, of course ;-)



Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: twyla on June 21, 2011, 04:02:01 PM
Even if your MIL doesn't have an anxiety disorder, she probably has a few unbecoming quirks. Everybody's got 'em. I think it is great you were perfectly civil, but you still seen to care when she does the petty stuff...which means her being petty is working because it gets under your skin. Not only step back, but work on *not* caring at all. Who cares if she gets you nothing for your birthday or a brand new coupe? You've already set her up for failure by assuming that she gets you nothing for your birthday or you won't like what she gets if she does get it. Does it really matter? Is it possible to focus on what you do like about this woman? You enjoyed Sunday with them, but Saturday was rough. As for your DD, one day, she will be of an age when she will determine whether or not her relationship with MIL is acceptable or not. She may be perfectly fine with it or she may be upset, either way MIL will have made her bed and your DD will be happy one way or another.  As for the dog, it can't poop in your house if it's not there at all. A kennel or a dog house outside will take care of that.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 21, 2011, 04:12:46 PM
There are those who refuse to put their dog in a kennel or a dog house. (Confession: I'm one of them.)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: elsieshaye on June 21, 2011, 04:24:35 PM
Quote from: justanoldgrandma on June 21, 2011, 07:41:44 AM
Oh, gee, Scoop, and I thought my mother was bad about not leaving a glass out, all lights turned off immediately, make beds just right, kids ask before looking in the fridge!  Thank goodness my dh's easy going ways and my refusal to be like her kept me from being that strict w guests!

My XSIL is like that too, and visits with her can be very stressful, especially if DS and/or my ex (her brother) are there, because they are not good at picking up her nonverbal signals, and neither is very invested in trying to avoid antagonizing her by learning all her rules.  So she gets that much more tense and snappish, and I (because I tend to be a people-pleaser) get very stressed out waiting for the next explosion and trying to compensate for the behavior of the other two.  Which only ticks them off, and isn't enough to keep her from having a meltdown.  By the end of our last visit, I was very glad to leave, and found myself needing to take a long vacation from chatting with her, despite how hard I know she worked to make things nice for the visit, and how important I know it was to her to have things go well.  There is no way to explain to her what happened that she will hear, and she is convinced that the visit didn't go well because everyone is cruel, thoughtless and ungrateful.  Exhausting...
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 21, 2011, 05:52:28 PM
Ok, Luise, LOL, should I ask this?  Do you watch out for your dog, walk your dog and/or let him out when he needs to go, when you take him with you to visit others?   

I have friends who bring their beloved dogs, but none of them have ever relieved themselves inside my home.   The owners stay alert to their 4 legged buddy's activities.  One friend crated their dog here at bedttime, so he didn't find trouble when she couldn't watch him.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 21, 2011, 06:14:14 PM
1. I never visit anyone in their home and never have. I stay in a motel...even when I visit my son, Kirk. There is something about the energy in another person's home, anyone's, I don't feel very comfortable.

2. No one ever stays in my home, either. (What can I say...I help with or pay for the motel, if need be.)

3. I would never take my dog any place. Well, this Fall I'm planning a little trip and she's going to stay with Kirk and Sandy. They just love her.

I suppose I'm worse than weird.  :o
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Sassy on June 21, 2011, 06:23:29 PM
Not weird at all, you know what feels right for you.  It's very courteous and respectful.  To people and pets!

I can't imagine bringing a dog into someone's house and letting that happen twice.  Once could be an accident, but would also be a warning.  The second time in two days, I don't know about that.   I wonder if testing tolerance for that that, like the "keep the weekend open just in case" is a sort of love test?  Now I'm probably reading too much into what could also be explained by thoughtlessness.... to people and pets!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 21, 2011, 06:44:07 PM
Kind words, Sassy. Thanks. I've always needed alone time. Even when I was really young. When I have out of town or out of state guests, I don't turn up until noon. Then we go out to lunch and have a great time. After that I disappear again and don't show up until after supper and we hang out for a while.
the rest of the time they are on their own.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 21, 2011, 09:29:33 PM
Luise, there are many times I wish I'd had that option (staying in a motel or sending guests there); our families would have been insulted, I'm afraid, unless it was a huge family reunion!  But I think it's a great way to avoid conflict and work and to have a good visit! 

I admire that you also don't inflict your dogs on any guests; some people show up w their pets and invariably there is an accident on the carpet or the animal is irritating to someone in the house (jumping onto someone or knocking over a child.)  That's probably bc we have outdoor pets which we keep quiet for the neighbors' sake.  However, if the homeowner doesn't object and is asked if the pet is welcome, fine w me!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Scoop on June 22, 2011, 06:45:06 AM
I have to say that the dog mess didn't really bother me (see?  I'm dirty).  She's a very sweet, old dog, away from home.  And really, cleaning the hardwood was easy-peasy and we're replacing the upstairs carpet in the next little while. 

It was the fact the my MIL knew that we'd be away too long for the dog, and was not willing to cut back on her shopping, so that we could go home and let the dog out.  She knew there would be a mess, because as soon as we walked in the door, I sent DD to run upstairs and to let the dog out of the bedroom, and MIL yelled up "Is there a mess?".  I guess *our* house isn't worth getting too worked up over.

As for the second mess, DH said that his parents must have 'ignored' the dog's signals.

Elsieshaye, I really liked your description of your visit to your SIL's.  It's exactly like that with my MIL.  I guess I need to work on seeing how badly my MIL wants things to go well, and her efforts to that effect.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 22, 2011, 07:07:52 AM
I suppose there are those who have been insulted by my lack of "togetherness." (But I'm sure there are also those who have been relieved.) Everyone is used to my marching to my own drummer and don't take it personally...but they will probably have a lot of tales to tell at my memorial!  ;)
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pooh on June 22, 2011, 09:39:13 AM
We do not have any pets right now.  One of the decisions we made together was that with our schedules, it wasn't fair to an animal to be penned up most of the time.  We both love animals and someday, when we have time to treat it properly, we may get one.

I would have no problem with someone bringing a pet, as long as they asked first and took care of it's needs.  We also have hardwood downstairs with carpeting upstairs, and when one of my friends brings her dog, we ask her to make sure it stays downstairs.  She has no problem with that when she visits and she's vigilant.  She has admitted that she wouldn't ever stay overnight with us, because her dog sleeps with her and since all of our bedrooms are upstairs she didn't want to crate it overnight downstairs, but it doesn't keep her from visiting.  And I don't blame her, I would do the same thing.  If I liked to sleep with my dog and I knew where I was going I couldn't, I would make other arrangements or not stay overnight.

I actually think that is probably another reason my DIL got mad at me in the beginning.  She brought her dog with them one day and she immediately plopped it down on the couch.  I didn't say anything as it really didn't bother me, but then it started digging into the leather couch and she didn't do anything.  I finally asked her nicely to please put the dog down on the floor and she got all irritated and was ready to go. 
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 23, 2011, 06:33:53 AM
Many people can't board their pets bc the pets get so nervous and the fees for boarding are expensive; also, it's hard to find someone to come take care of your pet while you are away. 

So since so many of our friends have indoor pets that they can't leave behind, they usually ask if they can bring the pet which is usually a small dog.  So long as they put the pet in a pet container, whatever it's called! at nighttime to keep accidents from happening, usually it works out ok w us.  Most keep an eye on the pet to take it out for it's "poop and pee time." 

A friend of ours really gets upset w pets being brought for overnight visits and if they are brought, wants the pet in a container while we eat and while they sleep.  He actually says don't bring your pet and sometimes at the last minute they have to anyway.

It does cause some problems when the pet is considered part of the family and the host feels inconvenienced by it..... each case is different.......

Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: pam1 on June 23, 2011, 12:39:41 PM
My pets have always been my family.  I know not everyone agrees with me so I just don't stay with people.  I don't want to cause them discomfort or my pets.  So we stay in pet friendly hotels :)  Works for us.

My dream has always been to get some land and have a dog rescue.  I'm still hoping in 10 years to make that dream come true.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: elsieshaye on June 23, 2011, 12:49:11 PM
I don't travel with my cats, because I know it would stress them out, but I always get a pet sitter to visit my home while I'm gone.  I do wish cats could answer the phone though, lol - around day 2 of being gone, I start to miss them and wonder how they're doing.  Glad they can't dial a phone, however.  My one cat would call me 15 times a day at work to let me know she would prefer different food, can't find her sparkle ball ANYWHERE, thinks the sunbeams are deliberately and meanly not falling across her favorite cushion, and when am I coming home?  She's a bit of a drama queen, lol.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: luise.volta on June 23, 2011, 01:15:23 PM
I agree that a pet-sitter can be a many-spendored thing!  :D
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 23, 2011, 02:07:48 PM
Our pets didn't like being left with the sitter, but would have hated a kennel even more. We've decided no more pets :(

Speaking of how much notice is appropriate, in a funny coincidence we had a family member call 2 hours before arriving for a visit! Luckily the house was 15 min from being company-ready due to company the day before. DH helped with dialing in the rest of it, and I was relaxed and cheerful :) Had the house been a disaster I would have been less than thrilled.
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 24, 2011, 07:40:52 AM
We usually can get the house cleaned up in time for visitors; what is embarrassing is when a neighbor or friend stops by for an unannounced visit and the house is a wreck with shoes scattered at doorway, papers on the dining room table bc that's where dh does paperwork, dishes not in dishwasher yet, etc.

I have stopped worrying about it much, though, since we had no warning.

I did read about a tip, though...... if your house is messy and you see someone driving up, put the vacuum cleaner right in plain sight and say, "Oh, caught me right as I was about to clean!"
Makes it seem that I was just about to clean up the mess!

Elsie, funny about your cat's "possible" demands!  Cats can sometimes be like that!
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: Pen on June 24, 2011, 07:47:08 AM
LOL, I heard that the comedienne Phyllis Diller kept a supply of "Get well soon" cards in a drawer. When the doorbell rang she'd quickly spread them around, assume a bedraggled expression, answer the door and say "Sorry the place is a mess, I've been so ill.."
Title: Re: How much notice for weekend guests?
Post by: justanoldgrandma on June 24, 2011, 07:58:02 AM
That Phyllis Diller had a good answer for everything!  Good one!

Especially if the people at the door aren't your fave people and you really don't want them to come in and stay for a while or you really don't have time to visit because....

A couple of neighbors of ours are terrified of catching a cold or some other "dreaded disease" by being a quarter of a mile near the "infected" person and if I did Phyllis's tip, there is no way they would even step in the house!  Of course, this is if I really don't want to see them that day (or for several days after!)