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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: artlady on March 25, 2012, 07:43:01 PM

Title: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 25, 2012, 07:43:01 PM
I just want to know if there is anyone on here that has a hard to deal with , controlling SIL , what happened and how did you deal with it not to interfere or lose daughter. we are at a loss for what to do and now with the new little 7 week old GS we don't want to cause any problems but the rudeness of the SIL breaks our hearts and we bend over backgrounds to be nice and do everything we can to make him welcome and comfortable . Please help
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: pam1 on March 25, 2012, 09:52:04 PM
artlady, what has he done lately?
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: Pen on March 26, 2012, 06:32:43 AM
ArtLady, do you have any sort of relationship w/ his FOO? I'd be curious to know how they handle being frozen out as well. If my DS was treating his ILs this way I'd be very concerned if not downright furious.
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 26, 2012, 08:04:02 AM
Oh he treats them the same as he doesn't get along with his dad or stepmom, just puts up with them if he has to, has  not respect for his dad and his dad doesn't seem to be  fatherly or loving to him either. Planning the wedding dad never called to see what he could do or how things were going, they started remodeling their house about 2 months after the engagement ,they said they would help but they left me holding some of their bills and this was not a cheap wedding for us at all. He got mad in college over a girl with his brother and that was 14 years ago and to this day he still doesn't like his brother they have nothing to do with each other and live in the same city. So his idea of family his just the ones in his house. His mother died 12 years ago and , dd feels so sorry for him as he misses her so much, wedding was about to turn into a memorial to her and now the baby's middle name is her first name, poor child it is not good for a little boy to grow up carrying that weight. So all have said we are not the ones that need counseling , this past weekend i turned 60 and it was the first time my dd hasn't been with me in 31 years , they haven't gone anywhere with the baby except short trips , so she wanted me to drive up there to do lunch or dinner , i really didn't relish spending my 60th with him. I didn't get text , call or email from him, i asked her by email if he knew it was my birthday she said he thought it was April 23, and did she send happy birthday from them all. I think his family was very strange more so than we knew as family celebrations , family ties etc are not anything he identifies with except now he doesn't want anyone to forget his birthday etc.  DD still can't call as we have talked on phone 6 times in 7 weeks due to the free time on her phone is when he is home and he is now taking care of her bills and fussed from bill before baby over going over as she called everyday leaving work to home ( 45 drive)  and running errands .  Now she is home with a fussy gassy know it all dh. Hope this helps refresh or update you . My heart is broken it feels like the dd i knew before the baby has disappeared ;To answer if we have contact with foo , is no we they r the  kind that don't' blend with others , at wedding and parties folks were afraid to talk to them as they looked like they would bite your head off, not fun to be around and we tried to be as nice as possible , they complained before and after wedding about everyt8ing they could , i guess so and left us holding the bag on their bills
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on March 26, 2012, 02:01:42 PM
Hi Artlady ....

If you could be sure of not losing your DD , I would stand up to this bully .
would you take that kind of abuse from any of your own AC ?
He is doing this because he can , and it makes him feel powerful over you and your DD.
I feel after my experience , it was better to get things out in the open , rather than let it fester away
and make you ill , which it was doing to me .
After the rift with my DIL , then my FDIL , she was refusing to let me see my GD .
I couldn't live with that prospect , so I took the bull by the horns and met it full on .
Her type of parenting didn't involve anyone else , which she omitted to tell anyone , plus other issues.
It took a while , but we came to an understanding .
I couldn't sit back and let things go on , like yourself , it was killing me .

I know it's a risk , I don't know how strong your relationship is with your DD , but it sounds solid to me .
This is the solution I took , but each situation is different .
I know your heart is breaking , don't let him push you out of your DD's and GS 's life .
Sending Hugs for  strength .
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 27, 2012, 03:22:36 PM
LL  I need all the strength I can get , I feel like just backing away but that let's him win . As the counselor ( we went to see the day or so after coming home from the baby's birth) she said his personality sounds to be the type that confrontation will only back him up more and these types don't like being put in a corner. He has issues we never saw prior to the wedding , he had us and everyone fooled. I just have no idea what to do to try to make this liveable for us all. It is not at all what I thought being a grandmother would be like or feel like . I certainly don't want to get to close to this baby as Ive got a gut feeling sil will use him to totally jerk my heart out of my chest.
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on March 28, 2012, 12:07:24 AM
My heart breaks for you honestly , it brings back those sickly feelings when my gd was held to ransom . It makes the arbitrator all powerful and we will do literally anything to see our gc . Time will tell AL , and you have your DD on your side . I hope she tires of his power struggle , and demands your presence whether he likes it or not . I know what you are going through , it's a pain in your chest that never goes away . Be strong , and give that baby a cyber snuggle from me .......hugs .
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 28, 2012, 10:13:56 AM
Thanks LL, you are really hanging in there with this old woman and yes it is a pain that doesn't go away, the encouragement , thoughts , suggestions and hugs from this site make it better as I can vent here without being judged as so many are or have gone through something similar which can be worse than mine or not as bad . WE are need each other and I'm so glad for this site . I do hope to keep things good between myself and the DD so that she never feels alone or stranded with no support. Our door and hearts are always open to her forever. It is just such a "walking on eggshells around the SIL "" all the time which is hard not to be ourselves ( of which we love good laughs , jokes and life) to be reserved etc, if we did that around others they would think we were sick or something .  That is what my DH is so tired of doing not being able to relax or be ourselves in our own home and make sure SIL is happy , not matter if everyone else is unhappy. I see  his point. Good example he is such a light sleeper, he sleeps with ear plugs since he started dating DD, when he comes here he can't sleep good as the dogs wake him up in the morning going out , ( two little bichons ) So we almost muzzled them the first bark so not to wake him and then DH and I go to the garage or on the deck to keep them from barking or making noise that will wake him up , we get out coffee very quietly, talk in whisper and their bedroom is on the other side of the house but he will tell DD that the dogs woke him up or us etc. So dam if we do dam if we don't . Next time he comes we ought to get out pots and pans and start our own little " pan band " trying to play 3 blind mice   LOL 
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on March 28, 2012, 11:19:43 AM
Lol ...I would be the one leading the parade , with the biggest pot !

I remember seeing my GD when she was a week old and very jaundiced .
I asked how often she was feeding , and was literally shown the door , because I was told my FDIL feeds
her baby ! I didn't get a chance to explain about fluids and jaundice .
After that is was by invitation only , complete with duct tape for my mouth .
So set the standard of any visits with my Gd , until the visits got less and less .
Things came to a head , and here we are today . A lot of water under the bridge and lots of tears .
I hope you attain some level of comfort for those visits ...they are precious .

Paint on Artlady ,  and it all fades away , for a wee while anyway .
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 28, 2012, 11:27:59 AM
so now do you see her . things better or worse ? did it ever end up with all of you sitting down and talking it out or were u  all just going along riding the boat ?
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on March 28, 2012, 11:50:21 AM
Facebook brought everything to a head , as it sometimes does .
A comment I made about catching up with family on FB because I never see them , made for my
other two AC , whom I never saw at that time  and who took the whole thing as a joke from Mom .
However my FDIL took this to mean her , and the whole thing blew up .
We didn't speak for a long time , then my DS persuaded me to contact his FDW .
We sorted things mostly by email , she sent off some nasty ones previously , so I was a bit hesitant.
I was so desperate  to see my GD , we  came to a mutual respect eventually, I hope !
I waited for invites to visit , which  came after a while .
Then low and behold they became homeless through financial problems and asked to move in with me .
So Karma came back to bite them truly .They moved out 6 months ago and I do see my GD , not as often as I would like , but I requested a visit this week , and am waiting on a date .So it's all very polite .
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 28, 2012, 12:18:42 PM
OK  well not sure this will happen like that or turn out that good , as dealing with attitudes and rudeness is very hard as that is the SIL and I'm just not the type that can feel comfortable or say anything in my own defense with those type . Someone said on here about my situation that he was being a bully and as long as we put up with it , he has the control and will continue the bullying , oh wow i hope not , I'm waiting on extreme intervention to get to him while he sleeps and he wakes up a new man   lol.  I just pray his control and short fuse doesn't ever turn out to be physical , since the wedding I' ve heard the verbal things he has said to her , that he shouldn't have done in front of her mother , saved it for later . So i know he can berate her , make her feel she can't do anthying without him checking it or looking over her shoulder ( like cooking etc he has to see if she gets it right ). AS if he turns physical my dh will be hard to hold back , he is not a violent person but he is a retired detective so those cases are ones he knows very well . Some ended up really tragic . OK still have to run errands now that I've not gotten much done today  lol. Hope your visit is good and it is soon . give that sweet little gd a big cuddly hug and a sweet kiss for me . love her hard while there . thanks ll
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: herbalescapes on March 29, 2012, 12:56:11 PM
I dont' think the gender role reversal makes your situation much differnet from the majority who are dealing with a controlling DIL.  This is who your AC decided to marry so that is who you are stuck with.  Wish I had some surefire way to make things work out.  The reality is, unless your DD leaves him, SIL is a package deal with DD and now GS.  Maybe counseling can help you with dealing with the situation - it's like  ALANON, you're not the alcoholic, but you need support in having an alcoholic in your life.  Good luck.
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 29, 2012, 04:51:31 PM
Hey Herbal you might have missed previous posts or on another pager but we left from seeing baby , next day just not feeling good about his behavior toward us and yes we called got and appt . So baby born on Monday, we were in counseling by thur . So yes we will do whatever it takes to make things work , the sad part is , he is not the least bit interested in family on either side. His or hers. Thanks
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: Ruth on March 29, 2012, 06:03:04 PM
he has a lot of similarities to my DS, and its almost painful for me to read about it - remorseless, remote , cold, controlling.  The odd thing is however, you say he had a wonderful loving relationship with his DM, it just doesn't add up.  It seems he would cherish women, and have more comfort zone with you than with your DH.  It isn't so simple now as DD leaving, (and she hasn't even given you any reason to believe this is what she wants if I understand this correctly), as there is now a child involved and the tactics that a remorseless, controlling, antagonistic and selfish person could resort to in a child custody battle are unthinkable.  And yet knowing all this, your DD plans to have another child right away??   Why don't you lay all the cards on the table to your DD, and just ask her to tell you her side of the story?  I have the greatest respect for LL, and almost always agree, but this time I can't agree, I fear the repercussions of this guy if he is given any ultimatums or counter attacks.  I'm only basing this on what I've read about him.  Artlady, I would be very discreet if I were you, and only contact my dd when he is not there for the time being.  If you lay low and do not confront or antagonize him, he might chill out some as the child gets older, but my gut feeling is not good about this.  I am very sorry, and we are here for you.
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: lancaster lady on March 30, 2012, 12:18:21 AM
It's hard to know which way to jump Ruth without knowing the individual. By backing off making him feel all powerful or facing up to make him back down . I think it would depend on how my dD was feeling about it all , by previous posts if she's planning another baby already she must be happy .  However I would dive in with both feet if she became distressed in any way , just the Momma bear coming out in me . Each situation is different as I mentioned , no two people are completely alike . Supporting you Artlady , one Mom to another . Hope better days are ahead .
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: NewMama on March 30, 2012, 05:09:45 AM
I think I agree with Ruth here, that maybe you need to talk with DD about how her situation looks to you and your DH. She may agree with you and she may say that no, everything is fine and she's really happy. If she does say that, you may just need to let her know you're there for her and that's it. I know it's not easy, but you seem to be finding someway to deal with SIL behaviour (not visiting when he's there, your counseling etc) and that may be what you need to do until she says otherwise. I think confronting SIL would be a disaster with what sounds like his personality.

I've read from you posts too that you've had you're own unpleasant interactions with him, but I'd tread carefully around their disagreements you heard about through your DD. I never tell my own mom when DH and I disagree because I know she'll always take my side (regardless if I'm being unreasonable or wrong) and like most women, she'll keep a mental list of the ways DH 'wronged' me. We tend to vent to others when we're angry, but she's never around when we talk things over and come to an agreement. (I should add, my mom LOVES my husband, but I know how mother's are when they think someone's picking on their kid. Watch out). Please don't take this to mean that I think what your DD is telling you isn't true, but if you talk to her about it, I'd stick solely to things you've seen and heard from him with your own eyes and ears. 
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 30, 2012, 05:48:09 AM
@ Ruth my gut feeling about him is the same as yours. So many say talk to her so many say don't. I feel as close as we are , the conversations we have had in the past about so many things that we are able to talk about just about everything without a back lash but this subject is one that I've tread lightly on but at times I think sometimes my concern comes out in other ways. Visited with her yesterday , of course baby is still fussy, gassy and not sleeping long stretches( like most think he is not getting enough from the breast milk but I"m not a lactation expert so I"m not going to take on that battle ). She has her hands full , sleep deprived herself, fussy baby and high maintenance dh. WE wonder about this almost obsession with his mother's death nearly 12 years ago. My best friend how is a funeral director and grief counselor feels that there is more to that story than we know . She feels there was something that was bad going on , he didn't do something he wish he should have or knows he should have , a dispute between them, she is not sure but she said folks have problems with closure when there is also a guilt from them of something they did prior to the death. So she made some good points and I"m glad you read into that also as ,my DH feels there is more to that story, we had to have her pic and life etc on a little table at the wedding, a special tribute to her in the program, a favors table was for breast cancer in her name all guests were included in a donation to breast cancer organization , and now the baby's middle name is her first name. He has several pics of her in the house . Her mother, his only grandmother lives about 100 miles away from him , she decided 2 weeks before the wedding not to come , we don't know why as she had dress etc , he has never called her to find out, and i doubt that he has called her to tell her about the baby. So he is not close to his own grandmother etc so how can we expect him to be close to us or that this child will be close to us . He sees family except for him mother as a threat i think to his control and manipulation . His brother who lives in same town has yet to call or come see baby . His dad and sm are a real piece of work so they are not going to be involved as they have her 2 gs and she is not going to make a big deal over his , they were horrible during pre and post wedding . I think in my DD mother's day card , I'll write a bit to her , I try to write special letters to her on special days and celebrations so she can keep them ( and she does ) as my mother did for me and now those letters mean the word to me since she is no longer with me , I cherish them m can go back read them and get a little perspective on life if I'm having a tough time , I might need to go read a few now   lol . This is a rough spot to be in but with the support here , guidance from friends and a plan from the counselor we will be able to survive the storm but he will never change so we know it will be us that has to change to survive it that is the hard part. thanks
Title: Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
Post by: artlady on March 30, 2012, 06:06:58 AM
Should have read back a few comments but still on 2nd cup of coffee here , anyhow my best friend and her mother all visited with us yesterday at DD's. They saw exactly first hand how hard this baby is but how calm and good she is with baby. They also noticed the desperate feeling dd has to figure out all these things that is going on with baby, we can not figure out why they have not gone to the Doctor but are waiting on the 8 week check up from the 3 day after hospital visit. She did call to see if she could gt in earlier but she can't the only thing is that it might not be included on the wellness plan , who knows but tight wad DH might think it is OK to wait. I have no problem with any of it if she is truly happy, I can breathe but it is hard knowing my dd that all of this is what she wanted , how she thought it would be . I can tell though she will be pouring all she has in this baby , she can love it , it will love her and it will be unconditional which might not be the way the DH is to her . If she wants another one so fast that is not a problem but from so many conversations before marriage , before this baby her plan was not to have them that close . She wants 2 but beefier this baby he said he wants 4, so that has me thinking that is why all of a sudden the timing has changed to get 4 in before she is too old .I just wonder if having lots of babies keeps her home , gives him more control / manipulation and she will then not be able to ever leave him with all those kids and him the breadwinner( his mind set).  She will be 32 in Nov and I know she said she wasn't going to be 40 having babies if it was hard for her to get pregnant but fertile myrtle took in one monthLOL. She is very concerned about getting back in shape getting into her pre  pregnancy clothes etc she is working out , walking baby etc so i know she wants to get back in shape as she is a slim tall gal with great figure. So it makes me wonder if she wants to do this so fast again . Now he is 5 years older than her but he is not the primary caretaker of the babies or giving birth .  I don't' know I wish i had a magic pill for all of this and if any of you find it please send me the toll free number as i need a  ton delivered asap  lol Have a great one good buddies  love and hugs