Well, as some of you ladies here are probably in the same boat, I will share with you why I am not allowed to be around grandson anymore. Did I abuse him? No way! Did I neglect him? Nope. But I was accused of so many things that are just not true!
Because I wanted to be at the hospital and asked more than once if I could, I was accused of pestering. My punishment for being "pushy" wa not even being called to be told about his birth til the next day then being told when I could come down and see him. When I got there I was so excited to meet him and see my son, I asked to hold him and was blown off twice. Finally when I did hold him for the first time, he opened his eyes and we looked at eachother. I was so excited and overjoyed about this and felt it was a special connection. I went home and sent a very nice email to my side of the family anouncing him. I made sure to include the baby's parents in the email ofcourse and boy did I pay for that one! I was told that I stole the parent's right to anounce their child when they saw fit to do so. What are they Brad and Angelina? Why is it a secret? I emailed no on in Daughter in Laws family or their friends, just my family members. I was told that since I felt I had a special bond with grandson, that I must be trying to be the mom and trying to take over and obsessed. That was very hurtful but I guess it put me in my place. I did not ever send out any pictures again. When Christmas rolled around I was also pushed away and forgotton again. Since daughter in laws family comes first for all the holidays and I still have a younger daughter at my house we have always done an Xmas breakfast so they are free to do what they wish the rest of the time, but now that gs was born I was told no more breakfast they would always stay home in the morning and do their own things. I gave a gift to gs and put from Santa on it, that was big mistake , I was told that is the parents job not mine. I was accused of going overboard once more.
I thought I learned eachtime I was chewed out but no matter what I did for my own grandchild it was wrong on my part. I miss him and my son so much they only live ten minutes away. I am so sad
This is sad, Betty. It doesn't sound to me like you overstepped bounds, but apparently DIL feels differently. I have a feeling it will be that way for me, too, when the time comes (DS says he'll stick up for us, but I can see where it's going.) There are many GPs and DILs here who have had experience with this, and I'm sure they'll weigh in. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you.
The problems I have been accused of causing hurt me, and I always say I am so sorry, How can I fix it? May I have another chance? I will try again. It is always my son that calls me or emails me with the accusations, Daughter in Law will not talk to me at all about anything. I say I am sorry or I do not understand I have asked to speak to her on the phone at these times and she is either sleeping or not home. I offer to call her and he says no just leave it alone. I wrote her a letter once saying how sad I was that I could not have a normal relationship with my grandson anymore and she showed her to all her friends and family and I saw them making light of it on her facebook page. I was very hurt and I mentioned it to my son. He talked to her about it and her revenge was to block me from viewing any photos she has up of my son and grandson but made sure I could still see all the nasty remarks. I am so sad over this, my daughter just wants to be an aunty but because she has the bad luck of being too young and having to live at my home she never sees grandson either and my son never offers to do any of the fun stuff they used to do with her. Daughter in law told my son that my daughter was being too rough with grandson and was too young to babysit him after daughter had completed cpr and red cross babysitting training in order to do so. She has torn my family up so bad and is laughing about it while we cry for our son and grandson
It hurts my feelings so much that they do this stuff to me and I also hurt so much for my young daughter. She asks me all the time why is daughter in law like this? When can she babysit? Why don't they take her places anymore? Why didn't they call her for her birthday? I am so tired of it all. She has told me she blames my daughter in law for it all and does not like her anymore. It is so sad. She used to have the best big brother.
Sons are the key? Not my son, when I ask him straight forward questions like "do you think I am lying? do you think your sister is lying?" He only answers with things like "I am trying to stand up for my wife....she is my wife......I have to believe my wife....we have talked about this before.....you need to hear me out et." He is totally under her spell. I call him and ask when we can see grandson and all he ever says is " we are so busy I will check with wife" then he never calls back or he says "wife just told me this weekend is no good for visits etc." It is always the same thing day in and out. My husband just says to me to move on and forget the way they act. But it is not easy, I am a mother! I want to be a grandmother! I know my grandson loves me and my daughter and wants us. How can writing from Santa on the first Christmas package that he could not even read by the way make me a monster? How can sending out pictures of my grandchild make me so cruel.? I have friends and family that tell me I am nice and caring how can she not see that?
My daughter was 14 they told her she could babysit later on if she took some classes as she had never been around any infants before. She was so excited and into it. She went to the library to sign up for classes the next day. She made sure she could get to and from classes and not miss any. She did Red Cross and then from the American Heart Assosciation she got learned infant and child cpr. She came home and was so proud of herself. She called son who did his usual"hmmmmmmmmm that's nice I will talk to wife about this one." I think he already knew the answer was no but did not want to say so. He called me back instead of my daughter and told me not her, that wife said she was much too young to care for grandson. She said her mom and and her sister in law do not have jobs and she gets all the free babysitting from them she could want plus her sister in law had a her own baby the same age and wouldn't be great if the two babies grew up togethor? Give me a break my daughter just wants to be an aunt. Dil had the baby sleeping the baby seat on the deck and my daughter picked him up and held him when she was standing in the pool in our yard, he did not get wet at all our pool is small. Daughter in law said give him to me now and snatched him up. She later told my son that "newborns do not go swimming in cold pools full of chlorine the day after a rain storm" that I was not watching what my daughter did that grandson was not a toy for my kid. She is so hateful to my side of the family. None of are good enough. I hate this life.
QuoteBecause I wanted to be at the hospital and asked more than once if I could, I was accused of pestering. My punishment for being "pushy" wa not even being called to be told about his birth til the next day then being told when I could come down and see him
.
First time around we let both sets of parents know when we went to the hospital...told them we'd call them when the baby got there. Dh's parents came a visited briefly while I was in labor and then went home. My parents came the next evening (I was still in labor) and my mother held my hand during delivery because frankly all I wanted at that point was my mom. I can honestly say that I would have been uncomfortable knowing that tons of people were waiting in the lounge. Like I was a circus animal that everyone was waiting to watch perform. I was in labor for well over a day with my first child, I would have felt terrible to think people were sitting in the delivery room the whole time.
Second child my mother drove me to the hospital while dh drove child number 1 to a sitter. I don't think he even called his parents. I do remember that they did not come to visit at the hospital. That was all my husband...I had no part in that decision. I didn't particularly care whether anyone one was there other than my dh and my mom.
Some couples just want it to be a moment between themselves. They don't want to share the labor and delivery and first few hours of their new childs life with anyone else. Some couples are okay and the more the merrier. It's all up to the couple...and frankly, since the woman has to physically give birth, I think her wishes should be paramount.
QuoteFinally when I did hold him for the first time, he opened his eyes and we looked at eachother. I was so excited and overjoyed about this and felt it was a special connection. I went home and sent a very nice email to my side of the family anouncing him. I made sure to include the baby's parents in the email ofcourse and boy did I pay for that one!
I think you probably do feel like you have a special connection. And, you may. No problem with that. I think where the trouble started was announcing it. I don't think there's any way most women riding on waves of postpartum hormones---especially if it's a first baby, are going to take that well. And, frankly, it is the parents right to make the birth announcement. I can see where your son and dil might have felt their toes were stepped on. Again...goes back to that personal preference/new parent thing and wanting those firsts for yourself as a new parent.
QuoteXmas breakfast so they are free to do what they wish the rest of the time, but now that gs was born I was told no more breakfast they would always stay home in the morning and do their own things.
I know that hurts...but they are a new little nuclear family and want to make some of their own traditions. Are they making time later on in the day to be with you?
Do you think things would improve if you asked before you did something? I'm not using a sarcastic tone or being mean. Your son and dil seem to have no trouble talking about it if there is something they don't like---and your feelings get hurt. Maybe if you knew where the mines in the field were you could avoid them?
QuoteDaughter in law told my son that my daughter was being too rough with grandson and was too young to babysit him after daughter had completed cpr and red cross babysitting training in order to do so.
I may be in the minority here...I'll shout out to ask the other dil's, but I wouldn't let a teenager sit my infant. Even with a Red Cross babysitting course. A two or three year old? Yes. An infant? No. Never. To me it's a huge safety issue.
What happened to Doormat's post?
Quote from: 1Glitterati on April 15, 2010, 02:29:32 PM
What happened to Doormat's post?
LOL...sorry I hit post too soon, then realized it was quite incomplete.
Here I go--
So, you essentially sent out birth announcements to your side of the family without consulting the parents.
Yeah, that would warrant a large amount of hostility from pretty much every mom-friend I know.
I also don't have teenage babysitters. I don't care who certified her. Isn't it usually the GPs who are arging about how valuable life experience is?
DH's GPs completely ignored my plea to give us some time to adapt and barged in on me trying to learn to breatfeed. The lactation consultant looked at me like "Who on earth are these people ??" I was quite stunned, especially considering GMIL is a retired RN and should have known better. But she didn't care, because she wanted to hold the baby and dang it no one was going to stop her. (Think again....).
I didn't get that she'd sent out official birth announcements, just that she'd emailed some people on her side of the family. Official birth announcements, no - as a mom I'd want to take care of that myself. Being excited and telling some relatives and friends? What's the big deal?
We have all been mothers (well, except for Kirk and the FIL who used to post here.) Let's not forget that :)
Hi Bettylou! Welcome! I have to say that when I had my children, things were different. We took picutres, had to have them developed and then everyone could see them. The hospital took some and we waited for those also, but as parents, I did hand out pictures as soon as we had them.
Now pictures can be taken and sent out right away. I'm not sure that I would have liked that either, especially with my first. Things are just different now than they used to be. I'm wouldn't be sure that it was the email your DIL was upset about, as much as the first pictures coming from you. To me, the pictures would have been personal as the mother of my very first baby. I'm not sure this is it, but it's what I would suspect.
I hope this helps in some way. I know you can't go back, but you may still be able to talk to your son and apologise if that is the issue.
I'm happy your here and hope all this works itself out!
I did not send out any official anouncements by mail from my son or daughter in law. I sent an email with two photos to my side of the family. These were not pesky nasty people who were out to get daughter in law and her baby, these are the people she let me invite to her baby shower and throw expensive gifts her way. I had to provide all the names and addresses for her for the shower then resend them all as she had "lost" them when it was time to do thank you cards.
This email was not the first or the last time I had upset her or hurt her so deeply she can not be around for a long time. I have said I was sorry over and over again. Has her mother never made her upset and said sorry? No one is perfect. I am a grown woman I owned up to making people upset and tried to move on. When I stopped over to bring her a gift not for the new baby but for the new baby it was clear I was interrupting her and her mother's time with baby and she did not even look at me or my gift she took baby upstairs with her and left me to stare at her mother. When she did open the gift it was yet another thing I did wrong to hurt her feelings and make her feel bad. It was not! I got her a gym membership! This gym has a spa and a pool and I even offered to watch baby when she went as much as she wanted. I was told I must think she is fat and expect her to lose weight quickly and rushed her to get skinny. And that I only did it so she would leave baby with me it was all a trick on my part. Yeah right. Everything is a fight not one thing has been accepted nicley with out any offense. The wedding gifts we gave were called cruel and I was accused of trying to get revenge on them for not having my daughter in the wedding it was not true. I cant do anything right neighter can my daughter. As far ass my daughter being too young that is their choice it is their baby not mine, but they should have been honest I am not upset at the decision just the delivery of it. Do you know what I mean?
Doormat, I wasn't comfortable hiring teens with my babies either, but in the case of a family member or close friend I would set up opportunities for them to sit with adult supervision such as, "I have some housework I must get done; could you watch the baby while I work?" or I had the baby go to the teen's house with her mother (my good friend) present. That way the teen felt important and had time with the baby, learned sitting skills in a controlled environment, and I was confident that all was well.
Betty, you said that your DIL & DS said that your daughter could babysit after she got her certifications. If they had no intention of having a teenager sit for them they should not have led her to believe that she would be able to. To me that's manipulation.
On Oprah today they were talking about husbands who control and abuse their wives. In one case they quoted the man as saying, "You're married to me now. I own you." I think that belief is held by some wives towards their husbands as well. My DH and I both feel that our DS is DIL's property to be made over and molded to her high standards. Since we don't fit her vision for him, we're not acceptable.
Quote from: bettylou on April 15, 2010, 03:37:21 PM
I did not send out any official anouncements by mail from my son or daughter in law. I sent an email with two photos to my side of the family. These were not pesky nasty people who were out to get daughter in law and her baby, these are the people she let me invite to her baby shower and throw expensive gifts her way. I had to provide all the names and addresses for her for the shower then resend them all as she had "lost" them when it was time to do thank you cards.
This email was not the first or the last time I had upset her or hurt her so deeply she can not be around for a long time. I have said I was sorry over and over again. Has her mother never made her upset and said sorry? No one is perfect. I am a grown woman I owned up to making people upset and tried to move on. When I stopped over to bring her a gift not for the new baby but for the new baby it was clear I was interrupting her and her mother's time with baby and she did not even look at me or my gift she took baby upstairs with her and left me to stare at her mother. When she did open the gift it was yet another thing I did wrong to hurt her feelings and make her feel bad. It was not! I got her a gym membership! This gym has a spa and a pool and I even offered to watch baby when she went as much as she wanted. I was told I must think she is fat and expect her to lose weight quickly and rushed her to get skinny. And that I only did it so she would leave baby with me it was all a trick on my part. Yeah right. Everything is a fight not one thing has been accepted nicley with out any offense. The wedding gifts we gave were called cruel and I was accused of trying to get revenge on them for not having my daughter in the wedding it was not true. I cant do anything right neighter can my daughter. As far ass my daughter being too young that is their choice it is their baby not mine, but they should have been honest I am not upset at the decision just the delivery of it. Do you know what I mean?
I'm sorry bettylou and I do understand what you're saying, absolutely! I am not sure that I would find that offensive or not, but what I've come across today is that things have so drasticaly changed since we had our children, that we need to be careful. That's all I was trying to get across. I believe your DIL is "in love" with her baby and may be very protective (to an overprotective fault). As a mother, all I'm saying is to think about the changes there have been since we had our babies. I don't know your age, but I'm 55. I can say that when I had my "first," pedofiles weren't easily accesible through the internet (as they are now). Now I can go on the internet and do a search through Mad Dog and find all the pedofiles and rapists in my area (pictures, addresses and offenses), and this information is free. If your DIL has any bad experiences in her past, or even close calls, she could be extremely paranoid. Also, don't forget the fact that some women have post partum depression differently than others. I don't know the age of your GC, but this ppd can last for up to a year in some cases.
I think the world (because of the internet) has become much more scary for mothers today, as opposed to when we had children. The internet and the news stations are full of stories about mothers having their belly cut open and babies stolen. Nothing may have changed since we had our sons and daughters, other than the internet. This is a scary world for a mother and the informations is much more graphic than it used to be. I believe if I had a baby this day and age, I would probably react in some of the same ways. If you can reach a place where you can just look back and compare the diffence between when you had your son, and now, I hope this will help you understand the difference in the way your DIL may be thinking.
I believe she is in love with her husband and her baby. The internet age of information is at our fingertips now. This may be something to understand, but I'm not really sure if this is what she's going through. I just wish you could talk privately to your son and find out where their thinking is at. You may find that they are simply being too overprotective. Then that would be another milestone to cross...
I am not blaming you, but simply trying to understand what your DIL may be going through. I also believe (from my own experiences with my son) that your son loves you still with all his heart, but as her husband he is standing by her side and being a good husband. Just like you raised him to be. I'm hoping you can find a place to meet halfway and talk respectfully to eachother so you can both understand more and come to an agreement that makes everyone smile!
Sending many more hugs...
I would agree that it was a poor way to deal with the situation with son and dil saying if you take this course you can babysit when they had no intention of doing so. I think they probably thought things would blow over and the issue would go away.
I was especially protective of my first child...still so with my second...but not as much. If my mil had sent out pictures of my children and announced their birth before dh and I had a chance to do so...I probably would not have taken it well. It doesn't matter that they are "family". Your dil may not consider your family her family. [I can tell you since the blow down with my inlaws I have come to think of them very differently. They are family to dh and our kids--not to me. Their actions proved that. I no longer consider them family and never will again. Not them, not dh's sister, not the extended family....none of them. I'm just the woman who married a relative of theirs.]
I can see where you thought a gym membership was a nice gesture...especially since it had a spa. Were you able to include a note with it? Something like...so you can relax and be pampered? I think many new mother still hormonally charged, sleep deprived, and sporting a jelly belly might believe being given a gym membership was calling her fat. I can see where you didn't intend that...but I can also see how it was received as that.
I would caution you about using phrases such as I know my son and grandson want me and my daughter around---dil's the problem. I know that is your perception. If you utter that phrase anywhere but a place like this---say to friends or family or your son---and it gets back to your dil (and it most likely will) then you'll likely find your visits further restricted. And you'll most likely find your son supporting her.
I'll be real...new parents are selfish. We want the baby to ourselves. We want to do it ourselves. We want to see all the firsts. We want to do what our pediatrician says---not our mil or our mother. We want to do things with our kids that maybe you didn't---like co-sleep, or not cry it out, or not do solids until after 6 or 9 months or breastfeed for year or this or that. We're super careful about carseats and all the new safety gadgets (even if some of them are silly---we do realize it later), and we get upset if you don't cut the grapes or the hotdogs into quarters. Some of this is silly stuff and some of it is for a good reason. So, I think I'm being honest when I say gp's are not necessarily first and foremost in many new parents minds---as far as what the gp's want or think.
I also think that many of us 40 and under grew up with different ideas about things. I think in many ways we put up with less and are less forgiving. And, I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. We aren't as willing to put up with and put up with and put up with things that bother us. Now...I do realize that some people take this to extremes and push people out over rather inconsequential things...but I honestly see no reason to spend a lot of time with people I don't like or who make me miserable. [Now that my grandmother has passed, I haven't spoken to my dad's side of the family in about 10 or 12 years. They are mean people. My kids don't even know they exist.]
I didn't mean to make such a long post! :-[
Oh my, the gym membership I almost did too. I thought better about the connotations and (thank God) decided that was not the best idea I could think of. Clothing is not good either. Just remember how you felt right after having that baby. "Jelly belly" is a great reminder!" LOL!
The thing is that you can't take those blunders back. I know that's hard. But now you can come here and we can all talk these things out. I'm just one person, but now you have many ideas and perceptions to steer you in a better direction. I'm proud to say that we have some very understanding DIL's here who occasionally have been known for their in depth understanding of situations we may not be able to comprehend. I do hope you will keep coming and posting, and getting as many different views here as you can. I feel this may help you avoid many of the mistakes already made.
I also know that there will always be situations that are just not workable for some reason. I would try every other avenue, before I made the decision that it was hopeless. I hope this helps.
Sending out love and hugs!
Glitterati, for us to be MILs most of us had to be moms first...we've also been through hormones, breastfeeding, protectiveness, car seats and our own MILs. I cut up hotdogs and grapes for my kids, and I'm well over 40. My parents, however, carted me cross country in a banana box in the back of an early VW :)
When my first child was born, the experience connected me to the wide world full of other mothers from the dawn of humankind to the present, in every corner of the globe. I suddenly had compassion for all the parents trying to do their very best under sometimes horrific circumstances. My kids were most precious to me, and I understood that parents everywhere felt exactly the same way about their own children. It made it easier for me to see my ILs as well as my own parents as human beings who deserved consideration and respect. Don't forget that these old people had young lives before you met them. We're not from another planet, even if sometimes it might seem that way :)
I do have a question about your caution - why would the statement about son and grandson wanting grandma and daughter around be something that would cause a retaliation unless the DIL really was trying to get rid of MIL and SIL? As a former DIL I would have said, "D-uh, of course DH wants to be around his FOO! They're his family!"
I have admitted eachtime that I was wrong (even when I thought I wasn't really, just wanted to keep my son and grandson), and eachtime I always explained why I said or did what I did. About the gym membership, I told her later that I knew she was into fitness and working out and that she mentioned her sister in law who she thinks the world of works out there and I wanted to give her an outlet for any feelings of being closed in or stuck home with a baby all the time. I said I knew the spa was good quality and that it included facials and massage and thought she deserved to be treated by me. She told me she "heard" my apology, but clearly she did not accept it. It is a real shame. I told her how sad I was that I can not interact with grandson and she told me "well that is what happens" when me and my daughter have upset her so much. I just wish I had the energy to tell you more hoops I am forced to jump through to see my family.......but I am sure you all know what is like to be on the outside.
QuoteMy kids were most precious to me, and I understood that parents everywhere felt exactly the same way about their own children. It made it easier for me to see my ILs as well as my own parents as human beings who deserved consideration and respect. Don't forget that these old people had young lives before you met them. We're not from another planet, even if sometimes it might seem that way :)
Pen...I realize that, to an extent...and I think most other people do, too. I found that when I chose to do something and my mother poo poo'd it as unnecessary or she insisted I do something that I had read I shouldn't, or my ped said I shouldn't, or I just thought I shouldn't that I didn't like it. I didn't like being told what to do and being expected to do it when I had already said that it wasn't recommended or I just didn't want to. That didn't make me more understanding of my mom. To be vulgar...it pissed me off. When my kids were babies I didn't find the experience made me more understanding of my parents or his. As the kids have gotten older...I see some things differently now and I am more understanding. Some things...car seats just as an example...are non-negotiable and if they don't like it...tough. My way or the highway. (I use that as an example because my nearly 10 year old is still in a booster because of his height and weight. And, he'll stay there until he passes the benchmarks.)
QuoteI do have a question about your caution - why would the statement about son and grandson wanting grandma and daughter around be something that would cause a retaliation unless the DIL really was trying to get rid of MIL and SIL? As a former DIL I would have said, "D-uh, of course DH wants to be around his FOO! They're his family!"
I can tell you that DIL--and prolly son based on op posting that son has told them they don't listen or change or understand--isn't going to receive it well. I can just about bet that it will be perceived as ridiculous and crazy and that if she hasn't been told that she shouldn't assume it. Something along those lines. Even if it's true...it's going to cause further alienation. My be is that it would be perceived as mean spirited, blaming everything on the dil, making out that son is a weak man controlled by an evil woman he is afraid of, etc. Or, it could also be taken as mother in law making the outlandish claim that her son and grandson prefer her over dil. I can't be sure exactly how it will be taken...but I'm pretty positive it wouldn't be well and it would lead to further visit restriction and even less communication. I hope I came across as encouraging her to vent here...to have an outlet that wouldn't lead to more drama.
Quote from: bettylou on April 15, 2010, 06:42:14 PM
I have admitted eachtime that I was wrong (even when I thought I wasn't really, just wanted to keep my son and grandson), and eachtime I always explained why I said or did what I did. About the gym membership, I told her later that I knew she was into fitness and working out and that she mentioned her sister in law who she thinks the world of works out there and I wanted to give her an outlet for any feelings of being closed in or stuck home with a baby all the time. I said I knew the spa was good quality and that it included facials and massage and thought she deserved to be treated by me. She told me she "heard" my apology, but clearly she did not accept it. It is a real shame. I told her how sad I was that I can not interact with grandson and she told me "well that is what happens" when me and my daughter have upset her so much. I just wish I had the energy to tell you more hoops I am forced to jump through to see my family.......but I am sure you all know what is like to be on the outside.
I think it was a great gift. Do you think she'd have behaved differently if there'd been a note saying that? Or do you think she'd have been upset no matter what?
Is there any chance she has ppd? I can tell you this...I had a horrible case after my second child. It was so bad that everything angered me. You could have told me the sun was shining and it was yellow and I would have thought you were the most horrible, mean, ugly, vile person ever. I wasn't exactly rational for a while. There wasn't anything that anyone could do right. I felt like I had to do it all because everyone else was just screwing things up deliberately to make me mad or else they were screwing it up because they were the stupidest people I had ever met. I couldn't even carry on a civil conversation with anyone. Even the cat made me mad.
Ok- so they weren't official announcements. But you sent pictures, undoubtedly you included vital statistics (height, weight, etc.) and it sounds like it was a mass email, i.e. to a group of people. So yeah, it was pretty much a de facto birth announcement. To the point where, when the parents send out their own announcements, anyone who got yours will just go "Whatever, I already got this info" and move on. The crux of it is, you stole their thunder. If this was the only thing that had happened at that point and you apologized sincerely, without casting blame at anyone else, then, sure, forgiveness could have been feasible at that point.
You said they accused you of pestering them. That you asked repeatedly to be at the hospital. Well, if you asked 3+ times, asking the same thing over and over and they're saying "no" each time, then yes, that is pestering. Like glitterati said, plenty of new parents just want some time to bond with their own babies without interruption.
The gym membership.... wow. Considering the other things that had already taken place, there's just no way this could have gone well. You may as well as dropped off some girdles and a case of slimfast shakes.
Just one more thing. You've said that you apologized each time you were wrong, even if you didnt feel you needed to. Did you apologize with true sincerity, or did you say "I'm sorry that you're upset", then kept on doing the same things? If you keep doing the same things over and over and yet expect a different result, I'm afraid you're just going to continue to be disappointed.
As far as the Christmas breakfast thing. She may not be a morning person, I know I'm not. You couldn't pay me to go to a holiday breakfast gathering. Now, maybe they participated for a time with the understanding (between themselves) that once they had kids, they'd start their own traditions. That's what we did. Once DD was born, it was our turn to play Santa, have our own family time lounging in our pj's until the afternoon, just enjoying the morning. It sounds like you still get to see them for the holidays, just not on your terms.
Quote from: penstamen on April 15, 2010, 06:05:51 PM
I do have a question about your caution - why would the statement about son and grandson wanting grandma and daughter around be something that would cause a retaliation unless the DIL really was trying to get rid of MIL and SIL? As a former DIL I would have said, "D-uh, of course DH wants to be around his FOO! They're his family!"
Because if you're telling your friends and relatives about how awful your DIL is, then how is your DIL supposed to believe that you're not also trashing her to her kids? It's natural to distance yourself from people who say awful things about you. How is she supposed to trust that she can leave her kids with you when it appears that as soon as she is out of earshot, you're complaining about her?
Yes, they are his family of origin, but his immediate family is now his wife and child.
I do not bad mouth my daughter in law to my family even when they do it, I tell them she is young let her be, etc. When my daughter talks about her I tell her "your brother chose her for his wife she is your sister now we have to learn to make it work it is not a choice" But I do talk a few friends on the outside of the family for support and they do not move in the same circles so it never gets back to her or my son. I feel that is ok to do to talk to ladies I went to high school with about my family and my life and to let it out, with people that do not know her. I have held my tongue so many times when others were telling me she was awful I found nice things to say about her.
I do not want to be the mommy of anyone anymore that is over for me I am too old and I could never do it again. And I like having my small comfy home with out toys everywhere. It makes me sad for us that we do not get to visit with them much. Once they got serious and I saw that her family comes first I told them if you want to spend the holidays with her family that is fine you are grown, but we can do breakfasts here for each holiday that way everyone can visit eachother and then they have the entire rest of the day to spend with her family. I was trying to give a little, but now it is too hard on them they said and they spend it all with her family and only come to us a week later. It is sad to be treated like that when I have tried to do nice things and accept their holiday wishes. No matter what I do respect their age and family status, I just want to be the grandma not the old witch
I agree!
bettylou,
I think you are doing everything you can possibly do to have a good relationship with your dil.
Bettylou, my XH and I divorced when DS was very small, and from then on we ended up having 2 each holiday. One was on the holiday itself, and invariably with my son being at XHs. I was not welcome at those, since he saw it as an infringement of his visitation time with DS. Depending on the holiday and everyone's schedules, the other was a week or so before or after, and was with me and my parents. I don't think we ever got to see DS on the actual day of the holiday, and he's 16 now. We still had a wonderful time with him, and made just as much of a fuss as if it had been the calendar holiday. DS loved it, because it spread the holiday out more, and what kid doesn't love the idea of 2 birthdays. :)
I was initially really upset about not getting official holidays w/DS, and it took me a couple of years to get comfortable with it. My parents were much quicker in getting there, which made everything easier. In the end, we still had Christmas and Easter and all the happy memories that went with those times. The specific day they happened on no longer mattered.
If you can get to a point where you can look forward to seeing your DS and his family on whatever day they can come, rather than feeling disappointed because it wasn't on the holiday itself, I think you will ease a lot of your own hurt.
That's true, Elsie, we don't need to put so much emphasis on the actual day. However, if the feeling that's projected by those who have dictated the schedule is "The real deal was with DILs/MILs family on the real day, and this is a meaningless pity visit" it can be very hurtful. When we don't see DS & DIL at Christmas and then get a fly-by as an afterthought it isn't the same as having a celebration where everyone is involved in sharing happy times with each other.
Of course, in some cases it won't be happy no matter what day it's on; maybe we should save our money and effort and go away for the holidays, alone or with someone who really wants to be with us...Creme does that and loves it!
Once my husband got sent out of state for the holidays and me and daughter flew down to see him and surprise him it was so much fun. That really cheered us up eventhough we were not with son or grandson for the holidays, but we can not do that every year, some years we host my sister and her family too.
I wish you could do that more often, it sounds like a blast. I'm going to plan something fun for us to do this year; it doesn't have to cost a bundle, just be something special we can look forward to.
You've totally got it going on, Bettylou! Their loss.
I talkd to husband last night about how hard the last few holidays were on me when they were just the three of us at home, and he told me if that we can go to another city and stay in a hotel, nothing fancy but one with a holiday brunch, and decorations. I will run this by daughter and see if she likes the idea too. Better than watching tv all Christmas day I think.
Bettylou - I think it's great that you're considering alternatives for holiday celebrations. I think it's good for you to start thinking about the future, when your DD is married too. Hopefully, after everything she's seen, she'll be spending time with her IL's for holidays too.
For us, my brother and I both live out of town from my parents. When DB got married, they agreed to alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving, every other year with SIL's family. When I got married, my Mom asked that we coordinate their 'turn' for Christmas, so that my brother's family and DH & I were there together. So every other year, my parents spent Christmas at my Aunts house (while we were all at our IL's).
Even then, we're in another state of change, because the DN's are growing up and moving out. So now when they come "home" for Christmas, it will be to their parents home, not the GP's home. Luckily, my DB and I are in the same city, Christmas will be in our city and Mom will come and stay with us.
I'm just trying to get you to think of the future - things will always change!
Penstamen, I love the idea of going away for Christmas by myself! DS has already told me that when he's in college, he's going to spend holidays with friends or traveling, rather than coming to stay with me. He was pretty firm about it, even though he knows I don't really do holidays and wouldn't insist on his coming back home in any case. When I asked him why he was so emphatic about it, he said that he thinks his father will expect him to spend every school break with him, and was mostly "practicing" saying no. At this rate, I'll be a little miffed if DS *does* decide to come to my place for holidays, since I'll be making travel plans, lol.
ETA: I do understand being hurt by being treated as an afterthought. It's very hard to stay open to someone in your life who treats you that way.
Betty - I've read this thread a couple of times and I can't help but see both sides of this.
Without knowing the extent of your relationship or your history with DIL and just based on what I'vve read here these are my two cents if anyone is interested in them...from the point of view of a DIL with a rough relationship with her own MIL..
I think what you've got is a huge serious of misunderstandings and expectations on both sides that were innocent but mistaken. I actually laughed out loud when I read you gave your DIL a gym membership. I'm still chuckling a bit at that one. I've read a lot of your posts and I truly think you are nice woman, who wants a good relationship with everyone, including DIL, despite the fact that you've been hurt on both sides.
But you have made mistakes. As a DIL, if my MIL was bugging me about being in the hospital, or sent an eamail announcing the birth of my and DH's child, gave me a gym membership after I'd given birth and was heavy, showed up unannounced at my home (if I read that part correctly, where you went and she locked herself in her room - honestly? I probably would have too if my MIL showed up without calling when I had a newborn...) and was pushing to have her teenage daughter baby-sit (I wouldn't allow that either. Not with a newborn)...I can understand absolutely why your DIL has wanted some distance.
However, her reactions to these things are extreme. It sounds like she was so peeved she totally overacted to these things. Her DH is probably empathetic and sees his wife upset, and he's probably annoyed with the whole thing as well, on both sides, and is sticking up for her, as he should. But given the fact that you apologized, and haven't made the same mistake so to speak twice, I think what's needed here is some time for everyone to calm down, regroup, and try and move forward.
I read about how you'll be babysitting - I think that's great. If DIL hated you, trust me, you would NOT have been asked. She trusts you to care for her child - that is MASSIVE. And a huge step forward.
As for the holidays, I think its appropriate to ask your son and DIL (together) something like this (And do it in Novemeber or December - not five months before ): We would love to spend time with you over the hoilidays. If you're busy this year we understand, but maybe we could find a time for all of us to get together that's convinient for you during Chrsitmas?' Something like that. Let them think it over and come back to you. I really hope your DIL is reasonable...
I wish you guys the best!
Quote from: penstamen on April 17, 2010, 12:00:55 AM
That's true, Elsie, we don't need to put so much emphasis on the actual day. However, if the feeling that's projected by those who have dictated the schedule is "The real deal was with DILs/MILs family on the real day, and this is a meaningless pity visit" it can be very hurtful. When we don't see DS & DIL at Christmas and then get a fly-by as an afterthought it isn't the same as having a celebration where everyone is involved in sharing happy times with each other.
Of course, in some cases it won't be happy no matter what day it's on; maybe we should save our money and effort and go away for the holidays, alone or with someone who really wants to be with us...Creme does that and loves it!
OMG, do I ever....there are times, I just don't want to be with family....and now, my one sister's husband goes to OHIO to visit his mother...b/c my sister encourages him to do that, since we lost our mother...(ya never know what tomorrow brings)
OMG, I can't tell you how wonderful, peaceful and quiet it is....and the man I rent from always puts up a Christmas Tree....
Honestly, and this is the truth...except for my son, when he was little, I hated Christmas, literally hated it, and I always got so depressed around Christmas....b/c all we ever did was run around to everyone else's home....I was never once allowed to spend one Christmas at home, otherwise, InLaws and Immediate family would have a hissy fit, if I even suggested it (ugh) so, about 13 years ago, I started creating my own Christmas, and went to the Bahama's twice at Christmas...and now I go away, but not quit as far..as long as I'm on the ocean I'm a happy camper.
It was the most memorable vacation I've ever had...alone, and nothing but the ocean, peace and quiet...
thanks Pen, for remembering and reminding me....
Creme, how could I ever get the image of a peaceful beach in the Bahamas out of my head??? I spent some years as a child living at the beach and miss it so. I have beautiful vistas and amazing sunsets/sunrises, but it just isn't the same.
Pen, I know and I hear you...I bought a house 2 years ago, and every year, I want to go, but spending that kind of money, isn't logical right now...growing up with the ocean under your skin....well, it's like a distant tug at the soul, isn't it...we went to the beach every weekend, however, nothing compares to the islands...but, I'd take it in a heartbeat...don;t think I'll ever go back to the islands...don't want to fly any more...however, yes, remembering those many days and nights looking out to the horizon, and the evenings at dusk, the sunsets are just beautiful...even the storms...
we're kindred souls, the ocean/seas are simply mezmorizingly beautiful...pssst...(whispering) I think that's where God lives...LOL....
As a post stated...everything is different now. Having said that I want you to know that I really understand you. Things were different many years ago.....yes, they were better. My mother and mother in law were wonderful in-law and grandparents. I have nothing to say about my mil because she was really nice and supportive. You Mary Lou are wonderful too. Dont let anyone convince you that you made wrong choices. You did what was normal and does not have to be different now. I truly think that everything changed because our youth changed. They picture in-laws as terrible people who would intrude in their lives. And what they did was to put a wall....and not let us in. They are commiting a huge mistake.....just give them time....and they will see. They will encounter the same problems. Parents are over-protective with their first born (you tell me). I did not get to hold the baby without my dil making faces. I would come home and would cry like a baby. She did a lot of nasty things to me and drove me to a real tough depression. I might sound dramatic but I wanted to die. Everyone could enjoy the baby more than we the immediate family (my husband, my daughters and me). My son at first seem not to notice. When she needed me she started bringing the baby on Fridays so she and son could go to work because it was the day that she wanted her mother to rest of babysitting. She would come with a big long face and barely said hellow, she would just give instruction and leave. When she came to pick the baby....she always found fault in something. When I couldnt take it any longer (it was killing me) I decided to call my son and ask him to come home to speak with my husband and me. He of course came alone and I told him that I did not want to babysit anymore on Fridays because of all the problems we were encountering. He agree with us and told us that he had notice all this and that he was not polite to his in-laws anymore because she was disrespecting us.
Mary Lou...No one has the right to strike us only because they have the power to do so. They have the power because they have something we want. So we are in their hands. So what to do is your choice. You have nothing to lose because they give you nothing at all. Step back.
My story continues in that my son told her everything and she tried speaking to me and she realized that we loved her baby and that we were not trying to be the parents. We never visited them. We always waited them to bring the baby. We never tried to give advice and mostly WE WERE ALWAYS TRYING TO HELP THEM IN ANY PROBLEM THEY HAD. sO THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW, sHE BRINGS THE BABY TO OUR HOUSE, WE BABYSIT A LOT, SHE IS RESPECTFUL AND EVEN LOVING AND ALL OF THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE WE TOOK OUR CHANCES AND SPOKE OUT.
I am sorry for the long post but when I was reading your post I was reading my own experience. I even feel your sister. I love you and wish the best for you and your family. May God Bless you always.