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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Bride2Be on December 18, 2009, 04:47:47 PM

Title: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 18, 2009, 04:47:47 PM
At my wedding reception, my MIL decides that it is a good idea to say to my sister and cousin, 'You know 'Bride' doesn't like me. Do you like my son?'. I'm not sure how to feel about this.  My sister told me this about two weeks after the wedding.  I wasn't mad, more so offended than anything.  I couldn't believe she chose my wedding day of all days to say that.  I know she was trying to bait my family into asking her why I don't like her, but my sister caught on quickly, changed the subject and walked away.  I just told my husband today and he seemed a little peeved at what she said.  I think it was such an inappropriate time and place to say such things.  Especially after she came to my house the morning the wedding, helped with decor, we took shots together with my maid of honor, we hugged, she gave me a nice card, I gave her a rose during the ceremony, and sat and talked with her a few times through out the evening...WHEW!!  All of that only to go to my family and proclaim that I don't like her, which isn't necessarily true, and on my wedding day.  She won't ask me what she did for me to have kept my distance for so long because she will just pretend she has no clue what so ever.   How do you handle someone like that?? Someone who says anything regardless of the time or place and then acts oblivious to the hurt that their words caused??  She has no discretion and I'm trying hard not to be angry, I'm just perplexed now.  How do I make her understand that I don't dislike her, but I dislike how she talks to me, some of the things she mentions (like mine and my husbands intimate moments) and the fact that she can never see the err in her way? 

Thanks for letting me vent...
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 18, 2009, 05:31:31 PM
maybe you shouldn't try so hard...just let it go...apparently she's in grave need of a huge amount of attention, and if she can't get it, she will make a negative move to accomplish it?  Just my guess? 
If she brings up anything personal, I would simply say, we're not going to discuss such a personal issue...

I'm so sorry you've had to experience this...it amazes me, how many truly dysfunctional, jealous and self imposed people are out there...and women can be brutal....

be in good karma with your husband...and don't allow her to ruin you...hurt you or make you feel beneath her..b/c that is why she's doing it...a bully has to put others down tomake themselves feel good...

and vent anytime...


hugs Creme
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 19, 2009, 08:16:40 AM
Quote from: Bride2Be on December 18, 2009, 04:47:47 PM
I know she was trying to bait my family into asking her why I don't like her, but my sister caught on quickly, changed the subject and walked away.   

She won't ask me what she did for me to have kept my distance for so long because she will just pretend she has no clue what so ever.   How do you handle someone like that?? Someone who says anything regardless of the time or place and then acts oblivious to the hurt that their words caused?? 

Bride2be, I have noticed your MIL sounds a lot like my FMIL.  I think the way to handle someone like this is the way your sister handled it - don't let her bait you, change the subject and walk away.  I've come to learn that you cannot reason with people like this - the only thing you can do is not engage with their bad behavior. 

Cremebrulee's advice is dead on.  I think we have to learn to not let people like this hurt us.  Sometimes it's easier to ignore their actions if you just remember that they are the ones with the problem. 

From all your posts, I think it sounds like you have really tried your best with this woman.  Certainly more than I have tried with my FMIL I think!  Take comfort in that fact.  You HAVE taken the high road and done your best.  What she did at your wedding was completely inappropriate but it sounds like everyone else tried to handle it as gracefully as possible. 

Honestly, I also think you should stop trying so hard.  Maybe the only way to maintain a relationship with this woman is to maintain a distant relationship.  Right now I feel like that's the only thing I could do with my FMIL and it sounds to me like that might be the best thing for you too.  I don't think these women will change and as long as the people around you - especially your husband and family - support you, maybe it's just best to have as little to do with them as possible because they are just going to act badly and abuse you forever.  I don't know if it's the right thing to do though.  MILs, what do you think of that policy? 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 19, 2009, 08:58:33 AM
 
QuoteMILs, what do you think of that policy?

I think it's a very real and sensible way to look at it...I mean, look at all our inlaws...each and everyone of them run along the same pattern...they're very angry and no matter what you do or say, it's going to be wrong...therefore, it's all we have left to do, yanno?

I agree with every word you wrote, especially the part where she has really given it her all...
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 20, 2009, 06:39:35 AM
Thanks ladies!

Think you all made good points.  I'm not going out of my way to be nice for her but for my husband.  He's kinda getting tired of her loose lips too, but he's had to endure that much longer than I have.  So he's better equipped for that situation so I just let go and ignore her. 

She's still invited to Christmas Eve and whatever else....I just have to take long deep breathes and meditate before she comes by, lol.

Once again, thanks for letting me vent...
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 20, 2009, 07:59:05 AM
Good Luck, and no matter what she says, just laugh it off...don't react or get really angry and start yelling at hubby after she leaves..b/c you know men, they're never going to say the right thing...and yanno, I just thought of something, whose to say, that these MIL's and DIL's who do this, might be doing this just to stir up trouble, yanno?  Remember, she is putting him in the middle, which men loath...just make certain, you don't do the same thing....your husband should by all means see what is going on...so, hang in there tough, and just think of it as one night...and know that are thoughts are with you.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 20, 2009, 12:24:15 PM
I just want to say this...being ignored, as a Mother, is one of the cruelest forms of abuse.  Laughed at, even on the inside is very hurtful. 

Whatever we do as a MIL, unless we're totally crazy, is not meant to hurt anyone.  If we're not wanted, the best way to treat us is to stay away from us. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 20, 2009, 01:15:07 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 20, 2009, 12:24:15 PM
I just want to say this...being ignored, as a Mother, is one of the cruelest forms of abuse.  Laughed at, even on the inside is very hurtful. 

Whatever we do as a MIL, unless we're totally crazy, is not meant to hurt anyone.  If we're not wanted, the best way to treat us is to stay away from us.

You wouldn't consider someone staying away from you ignoring you?  I'm asking in all seriousness.  No stabbiness involved.  To me it would be easy to see the two things, ignoring and avoiding, as the same thing.

"Whatever we do...is not meant to hurt anyone"  That's an interesting statement.  I ask in all seriousness...should we give every person in our lives the same considerations?  Sometimes people do hurtful things (I am not talking about you, or anyone here, or even the whole mil/dil thing) and even if they didn't do it with malice, it doesn't excuse it.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 20, 2009, 07:24:17 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 20, 2009, 12:24:15 PM
Whatever we do as a MIL, unless we're totally crazy, is not meant to hurt anyone.

2chickiebaby, I think the problem is our MILs ARE totally crazy.  They ARE trying to hurt us.  In the way that maybe your DIL (sounds to me) is totally crazy.  The question is, what are we supposed to do?  If my FMIL would just act like a rational person, I would have been happy to have a relationship.  Now I dont' want anything to do with her.  The point about not trying to drag her poor son into it is well taken.  But what are we supposed to do about MIL?  How can we ignore someone who is such a big part of our partner's life?  Marriedchick09 (new name?) has a good strategy but what do we do when these women start abusing us or behaving like they did at marriedchick's wedding?  just shrug and walk away?
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 20, 2009, 07:37:50 PM
I imagine that there really are some crazy MILs out there.  I have not met one, though.  I'm sure that's yours and some of the others are crazy.

I just don't understand how all these women can raise kids to be responsible adults and every one of them are sons (males).  Mothers of sons are not liked by the sons' wives.  They just aren't. 

Mothers of Daughters are loved.  Always.  Why is that? 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 20, 2009, 08:16:09 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on December 20, 2009, 07:37:50 PM
I imagine that there really are some crazy MILs out there.  I have not met one, though.  I'm sure that's yours and some of the others are crazy.

I just don't understand how all these women can raise kids to be responsible adults and every one of them are sons (males).  Mothers of sons are not liked by the sons' wives.  They just aren't. 

Mothers of Daughters are loved.  Always.  Why is that?
Chickie...for a very long time I loved my mil...I thought I had lucked out.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 21, 2009, 04:41:29 AM
Isitme and Glitterati...I agree.  What are you supposed to do??  Sit back and keep saying "Oh well, she never wanted to hurt me so I'll just continue to listen to her hurtful words."  Not a chance.  I wouldn't even let my own mother say such things to me so I definitely won't let anyone else.  I figure if my husband's mother doesn't want to be ignored, she would try to figure what she can do to stop me from ignoring her.  I can't coddle a grown woman because she has no clue that she says ridiculous things. 

2chickiebaby, where are you coming from with your statement?  Did you read anything I said?  Can you not see that I'm trying to get along with this woman?  Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like my husband's mother and I can see what the problem might be for your DIL.  Long story short....you confuse me.  Here I am, a DIL that is trying and you still find a way to make it "not good enough".  You tell me how I should handle her if ignoring her rude comments and laughing on the inside is so cruel.  I guess my husband's mother saying what she said at my wedding should be excused as a statement a loving mother would say??  Not a chance.  I really hope you find peace and I'm not going to let you get to me either...I'm sure I'm just another 'cruel' DIL to you, huh?

But seriously, I hope all of us MIL/DILs can find peace with our situation, it's not easy dealing with someone who wants respect in certain way but can't seem to give it as asked.  What do you do with someone who is so sure it's you that they can't for the life of them see the err in their own ways?  How do you deal with someone who is so sure they are perfectly right in everything they say and do and blame you when you do not respond the way they want??
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: RedRose on December 21, 2009, 05:16:25 AM
For a long time I loved my dil...I still do...but only because she is my son's wife and the mother of my grandchildren.
I  respect her because she is my dil...no matter what she says...no matter what she does...no matter how much I don't like it.
If I don't I may not ever see my son or grandchildren.

My son should demand that his wife treat his Mother the same way...if only because...I am his Mother....and he loves me too.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 05:23:55 AM
Dear Red Rose,
I adored my DIL, just adored her.  She has nothing to lose being like she is.  We have everything to lose.  Grandparenting, our sons....and a family.  I think mine is an excellent Mother. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: RedRose on December 21, 2009, 05:40:39 AM
2Chickiebaby,

So is mine...an excellent mother to my grandchildren...
But...if my son, myself, or anyone disagrees with something she has said or done, all hell breaks loose...she has a horrible temper. She is right all the time....but then she'll say I think I am always right. She'll threaten me with I'll never see my grandchildren. She'll scream at her husband (my son) if he tries to disagree with her. I'd rather go for a walk than be near her...but, I respect her...she is my son's wife and the mother of my grandchildren.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 05:46:55 AM
DITTO...same song for me, 50th verse. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 05:58:44 AM
Do you think there might be a chance that DIL is all bark and no bite, Anna?  I'm just wondering.

I do not know what the excessive need for control is, though. Both mine have it. One is just kinder (to me) with hers.  I do not know how to do the control thing.  It is always a shock to me. 

I'm just wondering if she is trying to control everyone because she feels so badly about herself that otherwise she'll drown?  Does your son realize that she is insecure?  I guess he does if he lives with her.

I'm just guessing, it might not be insecurity. If she's heard this kind of talk at home, she is probably patterning it.  Your son has most likely gotten used to it. 

 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: RedRose on December 21, 2009, 06:10:00 AM
Anna...He sounds like he is exactly like my son...if he doesn't go along with her it will start a fight. He rather be silent and keep the peace.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 06:24:44 AM
Anna, I can see that your DIL has such insecurity!!  She is desperately trying to hold it together.  That is her issue...abandoned?  Clear as glass.  I know it's infuriating but if you could look at it from that angle, maybe it could be more tolerable?  I don't know. 



Mine lived with us for a short time (she hated her parents).....I told her not to do that.  Anyway, I think I mentioned the "death grip" hold she had on son's hand in the first engagement photo. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 06:44:29 AM
I think that's the way abused children act.  It's true....they push those that love them to the edge to see if they will leave.  Maybe they are terrified of closeness. Maybe mine is too.  I don't know.  It's an idea, though. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 21, 2009, 06:46:34 AM
screaming and that kind of verbal abuse or any kind of emotional blackmail is NEVER acceptable.  Either from an MIL or DIL?  So how do we deal with this?  Esp. when we've got son/husband in the middle trying to make everyone happy....
I think on another thread we mentioned the men's role in this mess and how their unwillingness to rock the boat can sometimes make us feel even worse.   :-\

Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 06:52:46 AM
Isitme...we don't have a choice, we have to allow her to do this to gain access to our GC and son.  We don't have the luxury of telling her off.  If we ignored her, she'd be telling son how mean we are. If we yelled, the same.  I have been advised to not engage her.  I think that good advice.  I have to tolerate her.  Son and GC mean too much to us.

I'm hoping to find some kind of way to see thru her instead of hating to be around her.  We're all insecure about something.  These people, though, are different that just being insecure. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 07:01:55 AM
QuoteAnna, RedRose, I, like you & Chickie, loved my dil in the beginnig.  thought she was just the best thing ever. 

It is ironic how we all have similar DIL's from the very same kind of background.  And our sons as well, seem to be so kind, loyal and wanting to help the underdog.

I remember when they first met, was so so happy they were getting married and I loved her.  It didn't matter to me that her mother abandoned her, she was living alone in an apartment and making it.   But, right away, my son, was shampooing her carpets, bought her a new TV...helped her pay off her debts...

Amazing...which also helps me understand even more, why she's so darn insecure.  She owns my son and her daughter...very territorial.  And she is snappy...she's either in a really really good mood, or a bad one...no inbetween.  And, she needs an excessive amount of attention..all the time, she must have center stage...
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 21, 2009, 07:05:03 AM
Someone in this thread mentioned control.  I do think many things are about control...and I think some is generational differences.  Younger generations are tired of doing things because that's how it's always been done.  I guess it's selfish...but we're tired of being tradition bound if it always means sacrificing our own happiness.

In our case I can say our schedules are not as flexible as the grandparents since all the grandparents are retired.  We did many, many things with both them and to accommodate them for a very long time.  Even to the point of doing things that we did not enjoy to accommodate them--like traveling all over creation at the holidays.  (That we do NOT do anymore.  We never enjoyed it.  DH never enjoyed it as a child.  We are not passing that on to our kids.  We want them to enjoy the holidays.  And, frankly, we'd like to enjoy them, too.)  I think it suck that only now in their mid and late 60's--after both sets of parents are gone, do my ils finally get to have Xmas in their own home.  They NEVER had Xmas at home with their kids because of all the travel.  And, on top of it...their kids don't have happy memories of it.  So, it's not like they provided their kids with traditions they'd remember fondly.

We're not operating that way now.  We're doing it as we like it--be it the holidays or anything else.  We'll try to make some accommodations along the way.  We're not doing things simply because it's tradition.  We're not doing stuff very often if it's going to be mind-numbingly boring or no fun at all.  Occasionally, yes.  Frequently, no.  And we just don't care if it hurts anyone's feelings anymore.

I'm willing to share...but this is my family.  DH and I come first.  If there is a limited amount of time to be spent with the kids because of school, work, and life in general...then we come first.  I don't mind having gps at my house every once in a while, but I don't want other people in my house 24/7.  Many times we are tired and don't want to make arrangements to travel all over the place or else the kids have activities.  I'm not making the kids blow off soccer or karate or anything else (barring sickness or death or a funeral) to accommodate any schedule but mine and dh's.

DH and I both watched our parents for years step to the gp tune.  There were lots of times when it wasn't fun for the parents, and times when it wasn't fun for us as grandkids.  I'm just not willing to do that.

I can't say if that speaks to anyone's situation here...I know it definitely is not applicable at all to some situations here.  It's just a window into another point of view from the other side.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 07:05:58 AM
Quote from: Anna on December 21, 2009, 06:33:19 AM
Chickie, yes I remember about the death grip hold.  I understand that dil has issues, BUT we were not the cause.  We helped her in any & every way we could.  You'd think after being with son almost 11 years she would get over it already.  She knows we are not like her mother.  She knows that WE have not abandoned her, or our son. although she has given us plenty of reason to do just that.  almost like shes trying to push us so hard that we will do the same thing to prove to herself that all families will bail if pushed to hard, to justify what her mom did to her.  Not going to happen, we have told son all of his life that we will always be there for him.  ALWAYS.  We will do that for dil too, if she would just open her heart.

She's probably afraid to, deep down inside, she is also afraid of sharing your son, allowing him to close...yanno?  Since there is an insecurity issue, I believe our DIL's sabatoged our relationship, b/c she feared that she wouldn't be loved by us?  I think there aremany reasons why they act as such and not one...
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 07:08:05 AM
The very same DILs, Creme.  Identical.  It's hard to deal with!  Never know what kind of mood she will be in. 

If any of us say anything like: "Mary is soo good with kids!"  Son will say, "so is DDIL"

If we say, "Sue is such a good cook"  Son says: "So is DDIL"

It's the same pattern. 

I've tried pouring on the compliments and it doesn't take. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 07:17:19 AM
Thank you for sharing that, Glitter.  We're probably more your parent's age so yes, we did a lot of doing for others.  I said in one of my posts that I don't regret it and would do it all over again. 

My kids have great memories of all the runnings too. Right now, I'm just preparing myself for whatever the DIL decides is okay.  That will have to do.

The new thing about doing what makes you happy is one some of us don't understand yet.  It's being taught to us now and we'll have to figure it out.  Some of the MILs here do understand the concept.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 21, 2009, 07:28:20 AM
It's heartbreaking, Anna.....
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 21, 2009, 07:36:08 AM
Hmmm...not really sure how this topic turned in to "Why do our DILs want to control us"  Is that what some of you ladies got from what I said??  Do you think all DILs want to control you and their sons?  I just want respect and to me respect is when my husband's mother comes into my home, she gives me the same respect that she would want in her own home.  That's it.  I just want respect.

My MIL tried pouring on compliments and it seemed cheap.  It seemed like she was just trying to be nice to get her way (she wants me to fawn over her), not because she genuinely felt that way.  She would make comments like "Well I'm not going to do say that to you because you'll just get mad at me."  Well questioning me about every little thing I do, why I do it, why don't I do it her way and saying well you'll see it won't work your way does not help at all. 

I'm not here to bash I was just venting and this topic turned into something out of left field.  I was hoping one of you ladies could share some light on why some MILs say whatever they want and then looked shock and are hurt when they don't get the reaction they wanted.  Can anyone help me with that?  Do you MILs expect your DIL to treat you the exact same way your son does??   

Sorry for being a DIL...I don't feel very liked here once again. But I'm not leaving this time.  I'm not a cruel DIL.  I am a grown woman who deserves respect as a mother just as you MILs do and I expect that respect from my MIL just as she does from me.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 21, 2009, 07:44:14 AM
"""I was hoping one of you ladies could share some light on why some MILs say whatever they want and then looked shock and are hurt when they don't get the reaction they wanted.  Can anyone help me with that? """


I'm starting to think of it this way...it's making me wonder alot.

Speaking to your situation...do you think it's because as a mom...she's used to expecting people to do what she says and now that that isn't happening it's causing problems for her?
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 21, 2009, 08:55:48 AM
I expect respect and that's it.  My MIL thinks there should be more than that.  She thinks I should really be apart of her life.  She won't back off, she calls me daughter in law and I hate it.  I feel like I've made a mistake in marrying my husband sometimes because I have to deal with her.  I'm not really looking forward to Christmas Eve and I've finally decided that I won't attend.  I don't want to cook, or be disrespected by being call "daughter in law".  I know this may seem like a silly thing to feel disrespected by, but I'm sure if I called her a name, no matter how true it is, she wouldn't like it she would be hurt.  I'm just hopeful that one day she will recognize the truth and stop trying.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 01:55:33 PM
Quote from: Glitterati on December 21, 2009, 07:44:14 AM
"""I was hoping one of you ladies could share some light on why some MILs say whatever they want and then looked shock and are hurt when they don't get the reaction they wanted.  Can anyone help me with that? """


I'm starting to think of it this way...it's making me wonder alot.

Speaking to your situation...do you think it's because as a mom...she's used to expecting people to do what she says and now that that isn't happening it's causing problems for her?


I don't believe most MIL's say what they want...are rude, and nasty...I know so many DIL's and MIL's who get along famiously.  However, a MIL who challenges her DIL is wrong...or a DIL who challenges her MIL is wrong.

Me, I never said much at all to DIL, scared to death that I would offend her...she's so moody, and she has cut her mother and sister out of her life, countless times...it's her way or the highway...whatever she's angry at me about, were words that went from my son to her...he asked me about situations and I told him what happened, but she turned around and lied instead of taking ownership...right there was the first clue that she had no intention of trying.

In my case, my DIL's mission was from the very beginning to get me out of they're lives...and it took her 12 years...but she finally accomplished that...sad, very sad...she wasn't happy allowing my son to come visit me alone....was I hurt when that happened, sure I was, I wanted her there with us...at that point in time, I wanted to believe this wasn't happening, that maybe it was something I did. 

but it got to much for her, I saw my son, one day out of a year, and she couldn't stand that,  she decided this was working in her favor, we were having an entire day together without her, so, by pretending to tollerate me, she continued her mission by pushing me, and contrlling the visits...when she started comeing along, the visits became shorter and shorter....yes, control has a lot to do with it...but there are many other things going on as well

I work with more girls that are young DIL's then older woman my age...and I get along with them just fine...they are lovely girls, and they are so good to their MIL's.  They love them, and I do believe there are moreGood MIL/DIL relationships then bad ones...as I said once before, I never knew this type of thing happened until it happened to me, and I found these web sites.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 01:58:13 PM
Quote from: MarriedChick09 on December 21, 2009, 08:55:48 AM
I expect respect and that's it.  My MIL thinks there should be more than that.  She thinks I should really be apart of her life.  She won't back off, she calls me daughter in law and I hate it.  I feel like I've made a mistake in marrying my husband sometimes because I have to deal with her.  I'm not really looking forward to Christmas Eve and I've finally decided that I won't attend.  I don't want to cook, or be disrespected by being call "daughter in law".  I know this may seem like a silly thing to feel disrespected by, but I'm sure if I called her a name, no matter how true it is, she wouldn't like it she would be hurt.  I'm just hopeful that one day she will recognize the truth and stop trying.

Have you ever tried talking with her, and telling her the things you don't like?
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: RedRose on December 21, 2009, 05:00:54 PM
MarriedChick09,
I didn't change the topic...What I and the other Mil's tried to show you is our experiences with our dil's. Sometimes I cannot react to your situation the way you want because all I can see is a problem for the rest of your life. If you and your MIL cannot find a way to get along...if you can't see yourself ever finding any good in your MIL...if you never want to share your time...your husband (her son)...and probably your future grandchildren...it will only cause a lot of unhappiness.
If I was you I would never stop trying...no matter how much you feel you regret it now.

Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2009, 05:30:41 PM
Quote from: RedRose on December 21, 2009, 05:00:54 PM
MarriedChick09,
I didn't change the topic...What I and the other Mil's tried to show you is our experiences with our dil's. Sometimes I cannot react to your situation the way you want because all I can see is a problem for the rest of your life. If you and your MIL cannot find a way to get along...if you can't see yourself ever finding any good in your MIL...if you never want to share your time...your husband (her son)...and probably your future grandchildren...it will only cause a lot of unhappiness.
If I was you I would never stop trying...no matter how much you feel you regret it now.


I think these are good points, adding...if you would sit down and discuss this issue with her, and she tells you things that you have done to hurt her, you can't take it as a personal attack against your character...you have to explore together, you and her, what it was that you misintereded...and believe me, a lot of this stuff is all 2nd guessing and petty little stuff that sometimes, was taken the wrong way

I would love to sit down and talk with my DIL and find out, what it was that started all this stuff...but she refuses...which also sends a message loud and clean, she has no intention of even wanting to change the situation...
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 22, 2009, 06:47:09 AM
Quote from: MarriedChick09 on December 21, 2009, 08:55:48 AM
she calls me daughter in law and I hate it. 

Does she refer to you directly as "daughter-in-law"?  How rude!    Can you just call her "Mother-in-law" back?  Or will that cause too much of a ruckus? 

I understand your desire for respect.  My FMIL also disrespects me but DEMANDS respect - which for her means letting her control absolutely everything AND putting up with her verbal abuse in silence.  I've been taught to respect my elders, and it sounds like you have too, so it's very hard for me to go against this.  But at the end of the day, any "respect" I show her is not going to be genuine...it's not real respect.  And that makes me sad because not only does it fuel this cycle, it also goes against my beliefs and has destroyed what chance there may have been to have a relationship with her.  Then again, it's also quite possible that you just can't have a real relationship with people like this.   :(

I'm sorry your MIL is so nasty to you - I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays regardless....  :)

For the MILs who keep on suggesting that we try to sit down with our MILs and try to 'talk' about our differences or what hurts us.....I think this would work if we had an MIL like you.  Unfortunately, marriedchick's MIL sounds like mine - will never admit there is a problem, deny everything, and then turn around and blame/abuse you.  Kind of like those of you who have tried to talk to your DIL's and been rebuffed....  there is no talking to some people. 

Thinking about some of the MILs comments about how their DILs have also cut off their own family.... can we see this kind of behavior in terms of the big picture?  I've seen this not only in my BF's family but also in my best friend's family - which is VERY similar to BF's (their mom's are even friends!).  No extended family, children don't talk to the parents honestly (if at all), siblings don't talk to each other honestly, husband doesn't honestly speak to wife etc. etc.    There is a larger pattern here...
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 22, 2009, 07:41:52 AM
Anna, I'm sorry your DIL is like this.

My family is like yours - we may have our fights but we work it out and forgive and move on.  BF's family has two modes:  walk on eggshells or sit quietly while mother rages/has tantrums.  My best friend's family is the same way...she and her sister once got into a fight when she brought home the wrong ingredients for a pie recipe her sister was making and the two didn't speak for a YEAR.  I'm still a newbie when it comes to BF's family but I"ve witnessed my best friend's family over a lifetime and can see the similarities..

The conclusion I have drawn, though it may seem very judgmental, is that these families are dysfunctional.  It sounds like your DIL's is as well.  When a child grows up in a dysfunctional family, they don't understand the difference between what is healthy and not healthy...they just learn to accept what is in front of them.  It's very sad.  It's hard to break that cycle of dysfunction but it can happen.  I'm hoping me and BF can figure out a way and I pray everyday that my best friend can too (I won't even begin to describe the mess she has landed herself in because of her family...).  With your DIL, I don't know.  It's hard to step in and do anything but it must be tough because you don't want your son or grandchildren growing up in a dysfunctional family.  I think the best thing we can do is just try to provide unconditional love and support so that the victims of dysfunction can see what that looks like..

Your situation sounds very sad Anna.  It sounds like you have really tried to be there for your DIL, even up to admitting you have made your mistakes.  It's a shame she can't see beyond her own insecurities to realize that....
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 22, 2009, 07:44:43 AM
The last time I wanted to talk to her was int he summer and she said she didn't want to talk about the past so I dropped it. 

I told my husband yesterday I just wasn't sure what he was expecting from me as far as his mother but I felt that him and his mother were taking it too far.  I told my husband I would try to be civil with is mother but then she started asking can she buy me Christmas gifts.  I have NEVER wanted anything and have felt offended when she took it upon herself to get me something anyway. I also told him that I would leave whatever day he was going to have his mother over so he can celebrate with her.  Well that wasn't good enough for him.  He said, "I don't want my wife to leave on Christmas, I'll just tell my mom not to come by."  So that's not my decision for her not coming over, it's his.   I just want her to respect me and let me get over the stupid things she has said to me.  I have never had to continually deal with someone I didn't like.  I have always been able to get that person out of my life and move on.  But not this time. 

I just don't like her and I don't know how to get over that feeling or if I even want to.  I don't want to put myself in the same position as before and allow her to say what she wants and thinks she can say to me.  I wish she wouldn't talk to me at all but she just won't stop.  I just want peace.  I'm tired.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 22, 2009, 08:46:40 AM
Marriedchick - i feel like we have very similar experiences - except I"m not married yet.  I went into this wanting to think the best and hoping to have a good relationship.  I've only been kicked over and over again and now I"ve had enough but dont' know what to do.  For the MILs who suggest we never give up for the sake of our partners/their sons, I understand the point.  But don't these women realize that with their behaviors, they are driving their sons away?  Your husband is not going to spend christmas with his mother, he's going to spend it with you.  You could have all spent it together but HER behavior makes you unwilling to be around her and you can't be blamed for that - you should not have to tolerate abuse.  In the end though, she's the one that loses.  My BF tells me he's working his way up to some kind of "confrontation with his parents".  I have no idea what he means by that and I'm terrified that it will lead to some kind of additional rift....But in the end who gets the blame?  US...  This makes me very sad and it makes me sad for you too.  We try to tolerate these women because we want to do the right thing by family, but all that happens is that we get shat on in the process and the family STILL erodes even further.  I want to break this cycle of dysfunction but I don't know how.   

Same with the MILs and their difficult DILs - how do we manage this level of dysfunction?  Is there a way to stay out of it but still provide support?
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 27, 2009, 07:15:50 AM
Quote from: RedRose on December 21, 2009, 05:00:54 PM
MarriedChick09,
I didn't change the topic...What I and the other Mil's tried to show you is our experiences with our dil's. Sometimes I cannot react to your situation the way you want because all I can see is a problem for the rest of your life. If you and your MIL cannot find a way to get along...if you can't see yourself ever finding any good in your MIL...if you never want to share your time...your husband (her son)...and probably your future grandchildren...it will only cause a lot of unhappiness.
If I was you I would never stop trying...no matter how much you feel you regret it now.


My husband sees his mother when he wants to, not in my control.  She sees my kids every week almost and takes them pretty much where ever she wants, I don't care.  I don't want to share my time with her and I don't see why I would.  I don't spend time with people I don't get along with and she is someone with whom I don't get a long with.  I just don't want her thinking we are friends or we are getting "close".  I wish I could find a way to explain to her that she doesn't have to like me just because I'm married to her son and I have her grandkids.  That does not make me feel like anything other than replaceable to her and that's fine.  But as a DIL to hear my husband's mother clearly state that "only because she's with my son is the reason she cares".  WOW is all I can really say to that.  I figure if you don't like me, don't pretend, just be honest up front.  I can respect that a whole lot more than liking me "just because".  If she doesn't like me she should have just not spoke to me, but to pretend she likes and cares for me just because she thinks I will "take her son and grandkids" is absolutely ridiculous and hurtful.  I have never and will never do that. 

What's so hard about baking off and accepting that you just don't get along with someone no matter how much you think you should??  Where is this entitlement feeling coming from and how do DILs get involved?  Why do MILs think that a DIL has to like and and has to spend her time with you?  These are real questions that have been burning a hole in me and I can't get a straight answer from anyone.

I guess I'm just the cruel DIL who is so set on being mean to my husband's mother (not really).  I know I'm not.  I'm just different than my husband's mother and would appreciate her respecting that for a change and back off.  I'm not asking her to stop seeing the kids, or stop my husband from seeing her (any woman who is able to stop their husband from seeing their mother has a weak husband, IMO).  I just want her to realize we aren't compatible and that it's OK that we aren't.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Pen on December 27, 2009, 11:34:36 AM
MarriedChick, I applaud your understanding of your husband's and grandkids desire to see your MIL even if you don't want to. That's more than a lot of the MILs here get. And I totally understand not wanting a forced friendship with your MIL...I'm not particularly interested in palling around with my DIL, either - the only things we have in common are an interest in DS (her DH) and good food :)

However, I worry in my own situation that at some point DS will not want to have that divide anymore (visiting mom w/o DIL), and being the loving husband he is, our contact will be less and less. Is there no way DILs can "suck it up" occasionally and make that duty visit to MIL? Can all sides try to be pleasant and find common ground for a few hours?
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: RedRose on December 27, 2009, 02:54:46 PM
MarriedChick09,
It is always a grandmother's concern that time with her grandchildren and son will be taken away if she cannot get along with her dil. She'll want some type of relationship with you...like it or not. 
What is so hard about tolerating each other during the times you are together. She loves her family. Can you deny that?
As your children get older they will know how you feel about her and how she feels about you. They will not only see it...they will feel it in their hearts too. Like Anna said, "I think they are hurt far more than anyone knows when the people they love have conflict."

Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 27, 2009, 03:33:06 PM
My children know we don't get along.  The truth hurts.  I can't change the past.  I can only move forward without the past.

I don't deny she loves her family, but I'm not her family.  I have never stopped her from seeing my husband and kids so I don't see why that wouldn't be enough.  That's my problem.  I feel like she wants way more from me than is really necessary.  She has access to the most important things in my life, my kids and husband.  I think that's more than enough and it's her family so she's got everything she wants, where do I come in to play in that situation?  My time is my time and it's really annoying for his mother to think she is entitled to any of my time for any reason. 

You're right Anna, you don't have to like someone to be kind.  I feel like I'm being kind when I don't say a word about him and the kids being with her.  I'm not making her feel uncomfortable by knowing there is someone who doesn't really like her in her home.  I stay away. 

Why do MILs think that a DIL has to spend time with them?  Why are we bad DILs if we don't spend time with you? 



Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 27, 2009, 03:39:43 PM
MarriedChick,
What do you want us to say?  Without you, there is no relationship with her son.  He will eventually quit coming over and quit period.  It just IS.  You don't realize at your age what you're doing to her.  If she's a human being, she knows you don't like her.  Why can't you pretend you like her? 

If you had a boss at work, you'd pretend to the nines that you liked her; why don't you do that?  We go through hell with our DILs and it hurts more than you will ever know. 

Your posts make me so sad for your Mother in law.  I don't even know her but I can feel what she must feel.  Heartbreaking. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 27, 2009, 04:06:24 PM
Well if she allows someone to stop her relationship with her son, that's her and her son's problem.  I will not take the blame if their relationship ends (which it won't).  I don't do phony very well and I won't pretend to like anyone just so they feel better.  That's why I don't like her now.  She has pretended to like me so I won't take her son and grandkids away.  WOW, who's giving who the power??

As far as a boss that's a not something I can equate to dealing with his mother.  At least after working with a boss you don't like you get a pay check.  I don't get paid for tolerating her nor does she with me.


If age has anything to do with it, than she should be the older and supposedly more mature woman she is and realized her mistakes early on and stopped.  If age really has anything to do with not liking someone than she should be old enough to know that lying to people for your own personal benefit is wrong.

I just want to know why do MILs think that DILs have to spend time with them?  Would you really want someone around you who doesn't like you, smiling in your face while they really detest the sound of your voice?  That can't be fulfilling at all.  Why not just spend the time with people who really want to be with you and not concern yourself with whom ever doesn't like you?

I guess I'm just frustrated but I'm glad my husband has decided to let it go and keep us apart.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 27, 2009, 04:14:43 PM
I just want to know why do MILs think that DILs have to spend time with them?  Would you really want someone around you who doesn't like you, smiling in your face while they really detest the sound of your voice?  That can't be fulfilling at all.  Why not just spend the time with people who really want to be with you and not concern yourself with whom ever doesn't like you?
_________________________________________________________________________
Yes, I'd rather have someone who detested me around me, smiling even though they detested me, if it brought my son and grandchildren with it.  It is an integral part of his/their life.  It married him.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Bride2Be on December 27, 2009, 04:26:35 PM
Well I you do that...

I totally see why your DIL doesn't like you....  You refer to her as "it"???

I would spit if I knew that's how you felt about me.  And I would stay away and let your son and grandkids tolerate you. 

You want other people to feel your pain but then you refer to you son's wife as "it" and can't even remotely begin to sympathize with someone else's pain.  I hope she stays away forever.

I getting a little emotional now.  This is why DILs stay away, they have MILs who refer to them as "it" but want all the respect in the world.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: RedRose on December 27, 2009, 04:29:57 PM
MarriedChick09,

"I guess I'm just frustrated but I'm glad my husband has decided to let it go and keep us apart."

See, it has started to happen already...in order not to have the argument with you any longer...he has given in to you. You have gotten your way and you don't have to see her any longer. Does this make you happy.

Or maybe...soon...you won't want your children to see her any longer. Then..he will see the whole situation your way..and he will stop visiting her.
All to keep you happy.
Do you see how the whole situation revolves around you and your relationship with your MIL.





Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 27, 2009, 04:31:47 PM
""""Without you, there is no relationship with her son. """"

I am so unwilling to be responsible for that.  His relationship with his mother is his responsibility to keep up or let wither.  It's convenient to blame a dil for it...because it's less painful than putting the blame on the son.

In my case...my husband originally pulled so far back from his mother I didn't know if he'd every speak to her again beyond answering yes/no questions.  He's much past that point now, but he doesn't have the same type of relationship with her as before--and I don't know if he ever will.  And, it's not my fault.  It's her's and it's his.  I refuse to accept blame or responsibility for a relationship that is not mine.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 27, 2009, 04:40:00 PM
Quote from: Anna on December 27, 2009, 04:32:12 PM
Marriedchick, how do your children feel about your non-relationship with their grandmother?  Are they sad, or do they not really care?   

Anna...I can tell you what I did in my case.  My older son once asked me why I no longer visited his grandparents.  I tried to dodge the issue...but he was persistent.  I just opted for the truth and told him I was mad at them, but that it had absolutely nothing to do with him and he was still welcome to go to their house any time they were available.  He asked why I was mad at them.  Again, I tried to be general, but had to end up being specific.  I said "Grandma and Granddaddy thought that Daddy and I lied about something.  Now they know we didn't, but they won't say they are sorry."  He said ok, and life went on.  He just wanted to know what was going on and why.  Sweeping it under the rug made him anxious and insecure.  Once he had an explanation, he was good to go.  He still enjoys going to their house.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: RedRose on December 27, 2009, 04:46:48 PM
Glitterati,
No, you are not responsible for your husband's and mother's relationship.
But, do you want to help them get closer and get over what pulled them apart?

Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 27, 2009, 04:48:57 PM
Quote from: Anna on December 27, 2009, 04:39:17 PM
Glitter, you don't think that when you're married you can't sway your spouses way of thinking?  You don't think you are responsible at all?  I don't blame just my dil, I blame my son.  In fact, lately I've been down right p____d off at him, & I let him know it!!!  How dare he treat me the way he has been when I've done nothing to deserve it.  In my case my dil is off the wall with her thinking.  she is very selfish & controlling, that does not mean that my son has to go along with her.  HE is responsible for HIS actions, SHE is responsible for HERS.  It is both of them, not one or the other, both !!

I do think spouses can have influence.  I do think people make choices about how hard they are willing to have their life be.  I am not buying that it is a dil's responsibility to make sure a husband has a relationship with his parents.

I was very careful not to make my husband choose.  It was enough for me that I knew if I made him choose that he would choose his children and me.  The fact that I wasn't seeing his parents was not the reason he didn't see his parents.  He chose that.  Because he didn't like what they did.   He sees them more now...his choice.  And, I can be honest enough to admit that his time with his parents has cost him some of the respect that I had for him--because they've never owned up to what they did.  They've never said they were one lick sorry.

I KNOW that for a long time they thought the whole reason he was mad at them was to keep me happy.  It wasn't.  If he had been interested in keeping me happy he would have confronted his parents from the get go, instead of reverting to the way their family deals with everything, which is shut up and defer to fil.  If he had been interested in keeping me happy...we would have moved halfway across the country away from them.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 27, 2009, 04:52:47 PM
Quote from: RedRose on December 27, 2009, 04:46:48 PM
Glitterati,
No, you are not responsible for your husband's and mother's relationship.
But, do you want to help them get closer and get over what pulled them apart?

Rose...honestly?  No, I don't want to help them get closer or get over what pulled them apart.   I don't want to do it because the ils refuse to be sorry for their part in the whole catastrophe.  Why should they have a reward at my sufference?
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 27, 2009, 04:55:18 PM
Yes, Anna, the DILs hold the key...they are the Ladies of the Manor.  If they deem fit, we are included, if not, we aren't. 

I think I mentioned the most tragic story of son's friend.  His wife did not like his mother. Bottom line, it was either her or his mother.  One had to go.  His mother went. 

I really thought this guy was going to have a breakdown.  He is over it now but I can tell you, I know his heart....he is deep down devastated and always will be.  His mother was a little different but believe me, not any worse than her mother.  Her mother stays, of course.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 06:54:07 AM
MarriedChick, I feel like I really understand where you are coming from and I have the same questions as you.  I understand all the MILs perspectives here about how it's important for them to maintain a relationship with their son and grandchildren.  I"m like MarriedChick and would never stop my partner from seeing his mother - I know it is an important relationship.  But sometimes I know he wishes his mom had something else in her life to focus on besides him.  It's just not healthy for her to sit around the house all day and obsess about her son and the "bad" things everyone is doing to her.  I feel bad for her but I"m also angered when she blames me for coming between her and her son and tells me I"m not normal because I"m not trying hard enough to have a relationship with her.  No matter what the power dynamic, demanding respect from someone will never get you REAL respect, it may at best get you token respect which is insincere and not really respect at all.  Part of me also wants to say to her "who are you to tell me what's normal?  you want your 39 year old son to be scared of you and to run home every few weeks to sit in front of the tv with you and pretend he is 10 again."  I can't see BF as a real adult anymore - he's just a child to me sometimes...  :(

It's really really hard to be around someone who is fake nice to you but snipes and behaves very meanly to you behind your back.  I don't blame MarriedChick for not wanting to be around her MIL.  I don't want to be around my FMIL at all anymore but I"m being told I just can't "disengage".  I know that but at the same time, being around her makes me feel so awful, so terrible about myself.  I'm not trying at all to shut my FMIL out her son's life.  I agree with Glitterati that I do not want to be responsible for the relationship between these two, no matter how unhealthy I see it.  And I agree with MarriedChick in that I just can't be phony.  I don't want to have to walk on eggshells around this woman and I know no matter what happens, I"m going to get the blame.  So how do we find a balance?  I never say anything to my BF when he goes home to see his mom, but at the same time, I cant' help but feel hurt that I know he is going home to this childish relationship where I don't exist.  How can I put my trust in a partner who is like this?

MILs - do you expect the relationship with your sons to change now that they are grown up?  What do you see as the difference between your relationship with him as a child and your relationship with him as an adult? 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 28, 2009, 07:36:43 AM
Quote from: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 06:54:07 AM
I"m being told I just can't "disengage". 

Yes, you can.  You just might not like what happens.  You have to decide which is more painful...not dealing with her and listening to your dh whine about it because he has to take the full brunt of her nasty behavior--and believe me, you WILL be blamed.  Or sucking it up, taking her abuse (and it IS abuse), making your dh happy, and over the years growing not to respect or even like him at all.

The third choice is to run, run, run.  Sometimes there's just too much crap to put up with to make it worth it.  We should never have to put up with bad behavior from someone because they are family or "that's just the way they are".  Life is too short to be miserable.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 08:55:48 AM
thanks...  you're right Glitterati... those are my options.  I just feel like I need a reality check sometimes because I don't know when I'm overreacting because I've been hurt and when it's acceptable to put up with insults and abuse because it is coming from someone's mother.  Right now I feel like my BF is clinging to this fantasy of having a close happy family and is desperately trying to believe that his mother will change and we can all have that (ironically, this is more what my family is like).  I feel he is being too optimistic about his mother changing to behave in a more rational and respectful manner.  He thinks I'm being too pessimistic when I assume she WON'T change and that we BOTH will have to modify OUR relationship with her and establish some boundaries that we can agree on in order to make this work.  That's what we are in counseling for now.  I am trying to give him some space to work on his individual issues  - but i can see it's hard for him because he clings to any small gesture his mother might make that is positive and tries to ignore all the hurtful stuff.  On the other hand, am I being too pessimistic?  I feel like any "positive" gesture his mother makes is insincere and just a tactic to get everyone to go along with her until she gets upset again and the crazy comes out..  I can't live like that - Life IS too short to be miserable.  I don't want to abandon my BF but if we cant' work this out, I might have to because I don't want to make him choose between me and his mother.  I would send him back to his mother.  But then again, isn't it kind of pathetic for a 39 year old man to need his mother so much that he will put up with all her bad behavior?  I know he is trying to be a "respectful" son and at first I admired him for that.  But now I see that the "respect" he has for her is what I described before.  It's not REAL respect, it's just a token show of subservience to keep her quiet but then he never really tells her anything and it feels like he has this whole other secret life where he does what he wants.  That's not family to me.  And that's not the sort of relationship the MILs on this forum seem to advocate either. 

MILs, what kind of relationship should a son have with a mother like this?  Is it reasonable of her to expect me (as her FDIL) to continue to reach out to her over and over again and never stand up for myself?  I wanted to respect this woman and that is how I tried to start out.  But after all this time, my respect is just gone.  My respect for this whole family is gone but I feel bad that my BF who so desperately wants a happy, close family is never going to have that if he just hangs around with his mom all the time.  Reality check time - am I being unreasonable and a bad DIL by feeling this way?
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: Glitterati on December 28, 2009, 09:06:39 AM
Quote from: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 08:55:48 AM
when it's acceptable to put up with insults and abuse because it is coming from someone's mother. 

It's never acceptable.  And, if your bf loved you like he should, he wouldn't want you to be abused.  Abuse is not okay...no matter who it comes from.  It just isn't.

QuoteMy respect for this whole family is gone but I feel bad that my BF who so desperately wants a happy, close family is never going to have that if he just hangs around with his mom all the time.

He's never going to have that happy, close family because it isn't possible.  People rarely change.  They don't change unless what they are doing becomes too painful to do otherwise or unless something totally life altering happens.
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 09:53:33 AM
darn, just wrote out a long reply and lost it....

well - my BF is still clinging to the hope that his mom will change.  He didn't go see her for christmas but went a few days after (not my decision)..... he thinks she is going to change because she realizes he is starting to get mad at her.  She apparently mentioned something about how she wished I would come up for Christmas - I don't think it was meant sincerely but BF doesn't see it that way and it's not my place to say that.  After the way she spoke to me last time, how can she expect me to want to visit her house??  I wish I could just say that to her in a polite way but instead I'm just going to be blamed for being the one to keep the distance.  My BF and his family keep saying "let's have a fresh start", "open yourself up to the possibility that the relationship will improve".... but when they say I should make a fresh start, I feel like they are just telling me to forget all the nasty mean things they have done to me in the past and move closer so that they can kick me again.  How many times can you "start over" with someone before you decide enough is enough?  I realize my BF's point that we can never stop trying because this is his mother.  But this has now entered the realm of the absurd I think....  I don't know how we are going to reach a compromise on this because we just will never have the same opinion about his mother.  I wanted to have a good relationship with her but the more I learn, the more I realize maybe I just can't and we'll have to live with that.  I will never try to interfere in the relationship my BF has with his mother because it's not right for me to do that but at the same time, it just sickens me. 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: cremebrulee on December 28, 2009, 03:41:36 PM
isitme, I totally understand, and feel that you've been more then obliging...as I mentioned before, once you've been hurt, it is very hard to trust again...very hard, it's like an infidelity to the soul when someone breaks that trust...

yes, it is his mother, but she was and is abusive, you cannot be responsible for her sitting around feeling sorry for herself b/c her son isn't there any longer...lady I admire your compassion and understanding...but I fear, if you marry this man, the problems you are facing now, are nothing compared to what they could be....

first, it's up to him to keep friends with her if he wants to...but it's not up to you to do the same...you have choices...but after your married, you may not...and I could be wrong...I hope I am...

one more thing...you can only feel sorry for someone for so long...and then one has to look out for themselves....
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 28, 2009, 03:53:30 PM
Creme, I think I've been way off base with Isitme...I didn't realize he was abusive.  I know his Mother is a pain in the neck, for sure but I didn't look at it this way. 

I can see what you're saying...
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: isitme? on December 28, 2009, 04:21:08 PM
no chickie, he's not abusive...it's his mother.  But asking me to put up with it IS abusive on his part in a passive kind of way.  But I think another problem is that he doesn't see it as abuse because he's been emotionally abused like this his whole life and thinks it is the norm. 

I've posted some of my other thoughts on this in response to your comments on another thread.  Thanks so much for the advice and insight.  And for letting me vent too! 
Title: Re: MIL makes me regret trying
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 28, 2009, 04:41:38 PM
I'm glad you are getting counseling.....I really thought his mother was just a pain in the neck.  I didn't realize it was abuse.  If he's been abused his whole life, that is very hard.  I am sad for him.