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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Itsgoingtobeok

1
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Drug overdose DS
February 27, 2020, 09:00:48 AM
Ty, Louis, this is a tough one. I am taking your advise and seeking some help.
2
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Drug overdose DS
February 17, 2020, 01:09:41 PM
My son passed away this weekend to a drug overdose. I am heartbroken, yet some what relieved that he is at peace. We hadn't spoken in almost 4 years. I tried to help, we always fought, actually he was very awful to me, pushed me away as hard as he could. Right now, I am in shock, kind of comatosed,don't know what I should be doing. I don't even know why I am here, just hoping someone else out there has experienced this and could share some  wisdom.
3
Luise, you are so wise. It really is a web isn't it? A toxic one. I am shocked, i guess, that this family member thinks he's helping by being a confidant. He himself was in the same place once, he should know that he who blames others, takes no responsibility for ones self worth. I cant believe this person is falling for it. I am just disappointed in it all.
4
Venting: Well here we go again.  I was informed by my another family member, my S is back on the drugs, even worse than before. He robbed someone and moved to a city on the west coast with his enabling GF. I am assuming they went to her mothers. My S called, in confidence confessed to this family member. I took that information and informed the GF's M that he was indeed on drugs and that i was concerned for her daughter. i informed my family member I had warned the GF's M. He then says this to me.  Why would you do that? He trusted ME! You should stop running your mouth, your ruining his life...ect...ect.

In my eyes, my S is an addict, and this family member should not be keeping his dirty little secret. My S could wind up dead, or hurt someone. Why would he want to keep his trust? My S lies about EVERYTHING!!!

So now this has put a wedge between myself and my closest family member.  I just got to a place where I was happy and content. It almost feels like my son does this to ensure I will never be happy....awwwwwwwwwwww

I am having trouble sleeping now, I have anxiety, I have been so busy renovating to keep my mind off of this I am hurting myself physically. Its hard to just put it to the back of my mind and forget about it. Any advise?
5
Hi Ladies need some advise. As I have mentioned, my oldest son and I have a gas and match relationship. Recently my father his GrF passed away and we had to speak again. That was ok i consoled my son. But once again he drove a knife in my heart. The thing is he was partially raised by his grandparents, he loved them they loved him. As for me I loved him looked after him but he seems to have no memory of that. He stated that his grandfather named him!!!!! , he wrote it on social media. I felt a knife go right through my heart. His grandfather died, being angry with my son because of the way he treated me, he wasn't at peace with his grandson. He had felt the same pain I have felt because my son had taken advantage of him as well.
The thing is, is that tomorrow is the cremation. My son and i will be the only two there. I dont want to tell him anything that will hurt him. I just want to go get it done and go in peace. But i feel scared to see my son. I feel like I DONT want to see him or need to. Also, the last 10 months have been peaceful, and i dont want to start back into this toxic relationship. My guts are wrenching of the thought of seeing him.  :(
6
Thank  you Luise, Pen, Trailblazing, and Green Thumb.

I think what i needed to understand is the point of blame is "their' way of deflecting their issues/problems. It just so happens, I was the person to whom caught the crap.
I am feeling better and stronger already.I did a self evaluation, i feel I am a good, honest, caring, confident person. I don't need anyone in my realm who will put me down or try to make me feel anything I don't want to feel.
I will miss the way things were, but in all honesty, i don't think they respected me for years. In turn that made it even easier for them to use me as their emotional punching bags.

I am just going to keep on keeping on, and do what makes ME happy!!

7
Helpful Resources / Re: Support for rejected parents
March 22, 2016, 08:47:43 AM
This read was very good for me. Ty

At this time i feel: *Uncertainty: Am I crazy? Is this all my fault? Am I that insufferable? Will this ever end?

I am going to follow the advise within this article and get positive and thankful about life again! baby steps
8
This morning i feel a bit better after reading posts and reading your response Luise. But i have this unsettling feeling. Why do I have to disconnect? Isnt there a way to help my second son realize that blaming his Mother only hurts us both in the long run, and breaks my heart in the mean time? How can i get that point across...should i even try?

I am a mess the tears are flowing,  I hate the thought of not being able to see him.
9
Luise. Thank you for this safe place to heal. I hope to be as strong as you are one day.

I appreciate the quick response and warm welcome.

10
Dear WWU.  I took time to look over posts, while trying to heal myself. It seems/feels to me this might be a place where I am not alone, in what I am dealing with.  Thank you to whom ever created this site!!

So hears my low down. I have two sons, Two different Fathers. Neither have participated in their sons lives. Not that I didn't want them too just because they didn't (simple as that). I struggled raising two boys on my own, but we made it through.  I did my best, and I know I wasn't perfect, but it was my best.

My oldest son now 26: He has always been independent. When he started school at age 5, he was dressed, hair combed, and ready to go. Mind you it was 5 in the morning. He lived between my parents and I at ages 7-15.  1600 km separated us. I didn't like that, but he longed for my parents, they gave him security,  I was always moving around for work or cheaper places to live. I learned not long ago, that on one of our summer camps he was abused. By a woman! He has approx 11. At 12 he started using marijuana. At 15, he was out of control.  At 16, he was on his own on the streets ect...  We didn't really speak unless he needed something from me. And if I didn't have what he needed, I was told I was a piece of trash. He would yell, swear, blame, bully, threaten, everything besides throw a punch. About 7 years ago he was straightened out had a girlfriend and was moving to the province in which I lived. I owned a business so he asked me to employ him. Hesitantly, I did. Big mistake! We fought, he yelled at me in front of employee's and customers. He was living with me and threatened to smash everything in my house if I didn't pay him....NOW.  It wasn't payday for anyone...?? So again I asked him to leave...away he went. We didn't talk for 2 yrs this time. In that time he started using a much worse drug, and I searched high and low for him. He disappeared for 6 months without a word to anyone I thought I had lost him. I thought he was dead. Then he turned up, cleaned up and again he asked for my help. So I went and got him, he moved into the town I am in, things were going good. Until his GF broke my truck and I asked her to pay for the damages. Well.....hells doors opened!!! Again he was verbally abusing me, blaming me, and saying things like I am a "wasted piece of skin", horrible things came out of his mouth. Heartbroken again, I disconnected and we have not spoken nor seen one another for 8 months now. I am staring to accept the silence, and take comfort in the silence.


Then recently, and up to today. My youngest which I thought I had a loving relationship with, started in on me. He is 21, he just had a baby girl with his ex-gf. I was not thrilled at first of them having a baby, but I was accepting, and excited when she arrived. I am patiently waiting to see the baby it might take time for my son to get his visitation rights in place, so I am sitting back waiting. Then he says, he feels he cannot see his baby nor can I,  because I had talked with his ex's parents and expressed my concerns of two young adults having a baby. Neither parent in my opinion were nor are near ready. Neither was I when I had my first son, I know what it takes and I disagreed. So the other Gp's and ex Gf seem to be holding my view against my son. He is bitter with me now, seems to be blaming me for his life and whats happening in it, and started saying I slapped him when he was younger! I did no such thing! I am heartbroken. I didn't think my youngest would do the blame thing with me. He saw what his brother did and what it did to me.  I am disengaging now from my youngest. The two of them I believe are ganging up because they finally have something in common to talk about (Me). How can I accept the fact that I raised two children that I feel I need to disengage from? What did I do wrong? How do I stop this pain in my heart?  :'(