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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: overwhelmed123 on February 24, 2011, 12:58:59 PM

Title: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 24, 2011, 12:58:59 PM
I feel so jaded toward other DILs right now at the site I used to frequent.  I find myself wanting to defend MILs when I see every single little thing being turned against them.  I swear there are some people out there who would tell you after their MIL said, "I understand what I did, I have no excuses, and I'm very truly sorry," she really meant, "I hope you die."  It's like they read into EVERYTHING.  If she offers you leftovers from a meal, she's insinuating you're a terrible cook.  If she calls to see how you're doing, she's just trying to glean information.  "Oh trust me, I know her.  I know she was insinuating that she hates me when she said she's glad I'm her DIL."

And what really really makes me so jaded is how quick people are these days to say OH, CUT THEM OFF RIGHT AWAY!  I hate being cut off.  It's such an awful feeling.  We tried everything we could think of before we made the decision to cut off communication- and it was not made lightly.  It shouldn't be made lightly- okay, just because you have no real attachments to your husband's family doesn't mean that HE doesn't.  It's like if a MIL accidentally spills something on your rug, you should cut her off!  It is really upsetting to me for those of us who really DO have real problems and aren't just control freaks who have to have it their way all the time.  I sometimes think to myself, "my gosh, what I wouldn't give to have a MIL like yours and you're sitting here just looking for reasons to dislike her."   It really gets to me sometimes.   
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 24, 2011, 01:06:06 PM
OW, you have such a good heart.  I have been on a couple of DIL sites before I found this one, because I wanted to see if I could get some perspectives from other DILs to see if I could find a way to get along with mine, or see if there was things maybe I was doing that I didn't recognize.  I kept reading story after story of things that as an MIL and a DIL, I just didn't understand either.  I found most of them were just interested in bashing their MIL, not looking for answers or ideas.  So I didn't go back after awhile.

I think that is what is different here.  We may not always agree, but we don't just bash away at each other or a category.  And I like that if a bashy DIL or MIL comes in here, the other MILs and DILs will defend each other.  It's great.  So hold your head up and don't let those types of people (MIL or DIL) get to you.  You have true issues with your MIL and you gave it every opportunity to work out before making your decision.  You are not the same as them, and never will be, because you believe in family.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 24, 2011, 01:12:18 PM
We started out a MIL site but soon found that DILs wanted to interact with us. Hate sites are for haters.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 24, 2011, 01:15:22 PM
Thank you, Pooh, that means a lot. :)

Yes, I would often find that if I would try to bring something up and offer a "bigger picture" or different perspective, it would be criticized because I wasn't saying, "YEAH!  She breathed wrong!  How dare she- cut her off!"

You are right, Luise-hate sites are for haters!  It's a shame it is a hate site, because I feel that so many would benefit from a little perspective.  I'm so glad I found you guys.  And my new MIL, Pooh.  ;)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 24, 2011, 01:17:09 PM
That'sssss right.  And if we get mad at each other, we are suiting up for laser tag...whoever has the most points at the end...wins the argument...problem solved!  :P
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 24, 2011, 01:26:02 PM
Some people just want to vent and don't want a solution or the solution is harder than their problem. I can't say I really blame them but it's definitely not for me. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 24, 2011, 01:40:38 PM
We're glad you found us, too!  ;D We have had women here from both sides of the issue that just wanted to stay stuck and hammer their point of view across. They don't last long. Either, they move past the self- pity and/or rage and consider other options or they leave...with or without my "assistance."  Sending love...
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 24, 2011, 01:41:43 PM
LOL!  Good, Pooh, cause I rock at laser tag!

I know what you mean, Pam, but sometimes it seems like it's not even just venting.  It's completely cutting someone off or literally "hating" them for stupid reasons.  I get the venting thing, but it seems so overboard sometimes. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 24, 2011, 01:47:25 PM
Yup...
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 24, 2011, 01:56:22 PM
Yeah, everyone needs to vent sometimes (Moi' included), but when it is always venting....umm....there's another name for it that I am not allowed to say or Luise will put me in the time out chair....
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 24, 2011, 02:00:58 PM
That's true, but it isn't just DIL's who are like that.  Not that I'm disagreeing with you, I don't want to be around a constant dumper, but I just think it's better for my frame of mind to remember that it's not the title.

And what do you get to do if you don't want to play laser tag????
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 24, 2011, 02:01:13 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 24, 2011, 02:20:22 PM
Quote from: pam1 on February 24, 2011, 02:00:58 PM
That's true, but it isn't just DIL's who are like that.  Not that I'm disagreeing with you, I don't want to be around a constant dumper, but I just think it's better for my frame of mind to remember that it's not the title.

So true, you are so wise, Pam! :)

What about bowling?  Monopoly?  No that takes too long.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 24, 2011, 06:09:11 PM
Awww, I hope DH reads this thread! 

Bowling is okkkk, monopoly no.  How about watching housewives and eating fancy snacks and drinks??
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Mariatobe on February 24, 2011, 08:59:39 PM
I'm almost certain I know what site you are referring to...as there was recently a "fight" on there.  But let me say this...I just read a post on here that stated something like..."my dil is so disrespectful, now she's getting the whole family involved."  When pressed for details, there are none, more like, "just take my word for it."  Sorry, but no.  I'm can guarantee my mil thinks I'm disrespectful because I don't behave the way she wants me to.  Why?  Because I don't take her snide remarks and cut downs anymore.  Therefore, I must be disrespecting her. The other ladies on here said something like..."we feel your pain, we'll just take your word for it."  Really?  At least on the "other" site, they go into details about problems, and other ladies offer genuine solutions.  On here, every single post I've read turns into a gab fest about something entirely different. 
If you want to defend all mil's, that's fine.  But I can't and won't do that until some facts emerge, and not."just take my word for it." Some ladies do recommend cut offs.  Some offer solutions to try to work it out.  But I'll be damned if I jump to the defense of every MIL on here, because some times, I can see my MIL in some of these posters as well...   It's my opinion so if anyone wants to dump on me, then so be it, but I see what's in front of me...
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 24, 2011, 09:07:53 PM
Having a bad night Mariatobe?
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 24, 2011, 10:05:01 PM
I don't think many here really want this site to be compare in any way to dilsociety. Furthermore I strongly disagree that everyone here jumps onto the bandwagon of mil's with total blind faith and if this is what you are seeing, then you are simply not reading enough postings. 

Gab fest .. maybe so, but it's how we keep the subject tolerable, because it's really hard when you are watching your children either make mistakes in life, or close you out of their lives. This is where we mother-in-laws have one up on those who are only daughters, or daughter-in-law... we are talking about our children.  There is a level of love and concern that until you have an adult child, it's hard for you to fully understand how it feels.  The dils on this site that have earned great respect are those that are willing to try and understand... and hopefully through this understanding their own relationships can benefit.

If you are getting more out of the 'other' site, by all means hang out there, because trying to blend the two sites is not a suitable concoction that many here are willing to participate in.  It's one thing to have your own view of a subject, it's quite another to try and force feed us the dilsociety's views and approach, because frankly those women are the extremist that I for one will try to avoid at all cost.  So please, state your views based on your beliefs, don't feel the need to validate anything by using a hate based site as support.

I do feel the need to reiterate my signature:  As always I'd like to state that  is solely my opinion, I recognize that you have the right to your own
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 24, 2011, 11:27:04 PM
Quote from: Mariatobe on February 24, 2011, 08:59:39 PM
I'm almost certain I know what site you are referring to...as there was recently a "fight" on there.  But let me say this...I just read a post on here that stated something like..."my dil is so disrespectful, now she's getting the whole family involved."  When pressed for details, there are none, more like, "just take my word for it."  Sorry, but no.  I'm can guarantee my mil thinks I'm disrespectful because I don't behave the way she wants me to.  Why?  Because I don't take her snide remarks and cut downs anymore.  Therefore, I must be disrespecting her. The other ladies on here said something like..."we feel your pain, we'll just take your word for it."  Really?  At least on the "other" site, they go into details about problems, and other ladies offer genuine solutions.  On here, every single post I've read turns into a gab fest about something entirely different. 
If you want to defend all mil's, that's fine.  But I can't and won't do that until some facts emerge, and not."just take my word for it." Some ladies do recommend cut offs.  Some offer solutions to try to work it out.  But I'll be damned if I jump to the defense of every MIL on here, because some times, I can see my MIL in some of these posters as well...   It's my opinion so if anyone wants to dump on me, then so be it, but I see what's in front of me...

Hi, Mariatobe. I understand what you're saying, and I admit to being guilty of vagueness regarding some of my DIL issues. The reason is if my DIL/DS ever discovered me here it would be over. I'm just not willing to take the risk of losing my son to prove a point. The DILs on the other site who are specific about their situations have either already cut off their ILs or don't care what the ILs reaction might be, apparently. Losing a son is much different than losing someone you don't care about anyway.

Regarding defending all MILs, there is a difference between support and defense...what we do mostly is support, IMHO. I have no problem supporting anyone, DIL or MIL, who is in pain and looking for a way to progress past the hurt or the unfortunate circumstances that put her there. I can do that without defending behavior I may not think is productive.

I really appreciate the kinder tone here, but it isn't for everyone and that's OK too. Take what you need :)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: tryingmybest on February 25, 2011, 05:11:52 AM
Maritrobe, if your post was aimed at me, let me try to explain. I wasn't asking for anyone to solve my problem, because my problem was my frustration over the actions of an inmature girl. Period. The details were not given because the situation is so specific that it would identify me instantly if my DIL happened upon this site. The difference with this site is no one here bashes DIL's as a group, or MIL's as a group either. As mature women I think we all get the fact the only things under our control are our own actions and the way we view other people. I don't think anyone on this site should have to feel as though they must defend their FEELINGS as long as they are expressed appropriately and aren't spewed with hate. We are all at a challenging time of life. The support of other women who have walked the road is invaluable. I have seen the other site and some of the comments are chilling.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 05:46:33 AM
Quote from: Mariatobe on February 24, 2011, 08:59:39 PM
Therefore, I must be disrespecting her. The other ladies on here said something like..."we feel your pain, we'll just take your word for it."  Really?

Ummm....yes?
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:00:58 AM
I must say that I completely understand where Maria is coming from. Some (not all, but SOME) of the posts on here do lack any details whatsoever. And it really does seem that we are just supposed to stand at attention and agree with the poster that her DIL or MIL is well, you know.... lol

You all call that being supportive. Well, I can't be supportive of something unless I know what is going on. When you only hear one side of the story without any details it comes across more like this

"I hate her. She's evil."
"Why?"
"Because she is. You should hate her too!"

Ok, not quite like that, but a detail would be nice. Sometimes those details are "She pulled my hair." "Why?" "Because I called her a name." See, details are nice. Sometimes, not always, DILs OR MILs actually have a good reason to dislike their MIL/DIL, but a lot of times, they don't.

A few details won't blow your cover. As far as the dilsociety is concerned. I have posted specifics on that site in the past. I have NOT cut off my IL's. I do NOT want to cut them off. But without details about my situation, the ladies can't give me advice on what to do. I don't post details because I don't care what the IL's think. It is because I am trying to understand them better to move forward in our relationship.

Sometimes, not always, MIL's loathe ANYONE that their son marries no matter what for no reason except that she took their son away. Well, ladies, that is EXACTLY what she is supposed to do. You haven't been replaced because the lover/wife position was never yours. Try to think how you would feel if someone were interfering in YOUR marraige in the way some MIL's interfere in their Son's marraiges.

I know my MIL hates me and well, I don't really like her too much either, and it is because she treats my husband and Me like children and interferes in our marraige. Constantly telling me that DH isn't honest with me and manipulating us to get her way.

But I digress, there have been some "issues" on the DIL site. You are right, you don't want that here. Mutual respect is important-- both here and with your real life relationships with IL's.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 06:15:46 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:00:58 AM
Sometimes, not always, MIL's loathe ANYONE that their son marries no matter what for no reason except that she took their son away. Well, ladies, that is EXACTLY what she is supposed to do.

I agree with you that some Mother's are not going to like anyone that their DS marries.  I know some of them personally, and it irks me.  But I can't agree with you on the second line.  That is not how it is supposed to be.  When you marry someone, you should not have the mentality that you are taking them away from anyone.  That is the problem with some of our problem DILs.  The mentality should be that you are marrying a partner, an equal.  You do not now own them, as no one should own another person.  You are marrying them to share your life with them.  And sharing their life means, their entire life.  That includes their family, their kids (if they have them), their friends, their hopes, their dreams....etc.  You come with a life, and they come with a life, that you are saying you want to be part of.  You should be each others priority now, but not their only priority.

I am my DH's #1 priority, and he is mine.  His Mother is a priority of his as well.  As is going to work, paying bills, his daughter, his religions, etc.  I know I am his #1 but I also know he has other priorities.  When I married him, I didn't expect him to drop everything else about his life.  I didn't TAKE him away from anything.  And he didn't TAKE me away from anything.  And THAT is how it is supposed to be.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 06:16:26 AM
Why read it if it bothers you?

If it hurts when you do this, stop doing this.

Really, other people are going to be how they want.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 06:34:01 AM
Honestly, I'm shocked that anyone felt so strongly about how great dilsociety is that they felt the need to defend them or insinuate that I am "defending all MILs."  Maria, clearly I said nothing like that.  There are those of us that have REAL problems with other family members.  There are some of us who really have suffered mental or verbal abuse, or our DHs have suffered because of their need to control and manipulate.  There are some of us who really do have to deal with toxic people.  But that site has turned into "let's butch because my MIL accidentally dropped a plate in my house and I hate her!"  "Let's all pick out little things about our MILs and blow them out of proportion and blindly support each other for doing that!"  I could go back and forth with you all day about MIL/DIL, but that really is not productive because I don't really care about the title.  But what you're saying happens on here (details are vague, or people don't give all the information) has also happened plenty of times on the other site, so there's really no difference there.  Furthermore, on dilsociety, if you are to ask for more information and give advice that ISN'T "maybe you could try these other things before never speaking to her again," you are criticized like you're a mean person or told, "no, you don't know the situation and don't know what you're talking about."   I have given some MILs advice on here that hasn't been "oh I think you're completely in the right and I'm just here to coddle you."  I have told them if I think they're making a bad decision regarding their family member, or if I think they are being unfair or judgmental where they don't know all the facts.  I can't think of one time they've actually tried to argue with me because of the perspective that I gave.  There is just a maturity level here and a level of common decency that the other site seems to lack these days.  I see all these catty controlling women on the other site and I'm not surprised they have problems with their MILs (especially if their MIL is a catty, controlling person as well).  I find it actually very surprising that anyone would come into this thread just to tell me I'm wrong and squabble about who does what more often, as if it's some sort of competition.  If that's what you want to do, obviously you know the site that suits you best.  But I think anyone who can't admit that site is judgmental, immature, just plain hateful, and non-flexible as a whole doesn't really have a leg to stand on.   As Laurie said, that is purely my opinion.  You have your right to yours, but I don't see the point in coming here just to argue with me about mine.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 06:36:55 AM
I am so glad OW is my adopted DIL!!!!!!!!!!!  Woot Woot!!!!!!!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:39:08 AM
Pooh, I agree with you completely on the DH #1 priority thing and his mother/family still being a part of his life. My word choice of "away" once again was a poor one. What I meant was that sometimes MIL's feel that the DIL Shouldn't be DS's #1 because she was and should continue to be the #1 woman in his life. You see it a LOT in enmeshed mother/son relationships. That type of relationship is actually what I was refering to. Sorry for my poor word choice.  ;)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:41:47 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 06:34:01 AM
But I think anyone who can't admit that site is judgmental, immature, just plain hateful, and non-flexible as a whole doesn't really have a leg to stand on.   

That is very true of a LOT of the DIL's on that site, but not all. There are a few good ones there, but the "evilness" of the ones you describe is ripping the whole place apart.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 06:47:10 AM
Well thank you for explaining what you meant.  I was like...Whoa!  Lol.  I am in total agreement with you that there are some horrible MILs out there that do just that, and they are wrong.

I just find this thread very interesting, as it doesn't matter that I gave every little detail about my situation or not.  I could be making every bit of it up, and everyone would simply be commenting and supporting me based on my lies.  We take everyone here at face value, by what they write.  Tryingmybest answered her reasons for not going into details.  It's her decision to make, not mine...not anyone else's.  If I didn't want to support her because of her decision, then that is my prerogative.  But it doesn't mean I have to think she is hiding something or doesn't deserve support.  I found her answer to the question as honest and understandable.  Just because I don't care if my DIL finds my stuff, doesn't mean she doesn't.

Just like in ADIL's case, I choose to believe her and support her that she has a terrible MIL, and that she has tried to have a relationship.  Just like I support Holli, OW and many other DILs here on their problems with their MILs.  It's not about if I support an MIL or a DIL.  I happen to support people here, not their title. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 06:52:40 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:41:47 AM

That is very true of a LOT of the DIL's on that site, but not all. There are a few good ones there, but the "evilness" of the ones you describe is ripping the whole place apart.

That is why I said "as a whole."  Maybe we are talking about 2 different things.  I think making jokes about my MIL dying or talking about how much I "hate" her is awful.  I think it's very immature and I think people gathering to fuel their hatred for someone instead of looking for SOLUTIONS (sometimes solutions that aren't CUT HER OFF), or honest advice is not productive or healthy.  It's just blind hatred. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 06:58:05 AM
Quote from: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 06:36:55 AM
I am so glad OW is my adopted DIL!!!!!!!!!!!  Woot Woot!!!!!!!

Hehehe, thanks Pooh!!!  ;D
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:05:44 AM
Now when is a MIL going to adopt me!!!!!!  I've been waiting so patiently, I'm just going to have to snatch one of them. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:08:04 AM
What was the one who said they make peanut butter cookies with kisses on the top?   ;D
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 07:11:20 AM
Oh I see, you are all about the chocolate!  Well, I will gladly adopt you too, as long as you like laser tag, rock-paper-scissors and you have to agree that Pink the color is great, but Pink the singer is so-so.  If you like Pink the singer, then you will have to talk to Laurie, cause that was the one of the rules of her and Holli signing adoption papers!   ;D
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 25, 2011, 07:11:59 AM
If you happen to like Pink the singer, you can be Team MIL-Laurie. : )
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 07:12:30 AM
LOL!  We can be sisters, Pam!  With our situations being so alike, we might as well be!!  I can make a mean batch of homemade brownies.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 07:13:24 AM
Ha ha ha...we must have all been typing at the same time!  So tough decision now....chocolate or Pink?
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 07:15:30 AM
Pfft...shouldn't be a tough decision.  Chocolate takes precedence always.

Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 25, 2011, 07:15:35 AM
Um...I make Peanut Butter cookies with chocolate kisses on top and I make homemade brownies. You can have your Pink and eat your chocolate too!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:15:58 AM
I really don't like running unless I'm being chased.  But I guess I can play laser tag...I only like old Pink music when she first came out and I'm just ok with pink the color, although my bathroom is hot pink! 

Brownies....I know, I saw where you use a zester to bake.  Now that's some skills, I can only bake what they sell in a box.   And yes, we might as well be sisters lol.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:16:28 AM
Can't I have both?
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 07:25:05 AM
I do like Pink's attitude... and while I may love chocolate.. I can devour a rum cake like it's nothing more then finger food.  And whoever  might be on Team MIL - Laurie... has to use vinegar to clean with ... you know I have a fetish about my vinegar.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 25, 2011, 07:29:00 AM
Vinegar...check!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 07:31:29 AM
Laurie, do you clean the rats' cage with vinegar and water?  That's what I used to use.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:36:17 AM
I use vinegar to rinse my hair with sometimes?
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 07:36:46 AM
You don't havvvve to run to play laser tag...as long as you are good at finding a hiding spot and just ambushing people.  I make a mean "chocolate suicide cake" and I don't detest vinegar, but do not have the fetish Laurie has.  I do use it some, like to descale my coffee maker, in mop water and a small dab in my homemade chili.  I am willing to compromise on Pink the singer - a little.  You can be a closet Pink person, but when I put the top down in the convertable, we must jam to 80's music and no rolling the window up, so your hair doesn't blow unless we hit the Interstate!  I do have some standards......
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:38:29 AM
Oh I am so there, Pooh!  I can hide and I can ambush.  And 80's music is my looooove :)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 07:41:38 AM
Done!  OW....congradulations!  It's a girl!  You now have a sister!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 07:49:25 AM
Woooooo!  I always wanted a sister!!  ;)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 07:50:39 AM
*pinch*
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 08:02:15 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 07:31:29 AM
Laurie, do you clean the rats' cage with vinegar and water?  That's what I used to use.
Yes I do, they are so sensitive with what fumes they can inhale.... I tried to give them away yesterday but no luck...  I'll even toss in a bottle of vinegar and cage bedding :)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 08:04:25 AM
Really now 80's music isn't that like when YMCA came out?  I'm a 70's kinda girl
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 08:28:20 AM
Hah! It came out 1978
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 08:34:32 AM
lol did it.. ok I don't lay claim to that or I Shot the Sheriff
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 25, 2011, 09:50:35 AM
What a fun bunch of MILs. How can our DILs possibly dislike us??? LOL

I wish my DIL could have fun with us, but the activities our family enjoyed when the kids were home have no value whatsoever to her. It's hard to be ourselves when we are adjusting our activities to accomodate her. She can control how we spend our time together by simply wearing inappropriate clothing. We aren't comfortable taking off for a day hike & picnic when she's sitting home in 6" heels and a sheath dress. I'm pretty sure DS would choose to stay with her, and that would defeat the purpose of a visit. Without saying a word she continually lets us know, loud and clear, that we and our interests are not acceptable.

Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 10:13:08 AM
Well she is quite the party-popper isn't she.  LOL so here you are in your jeans, and comfy tee and she comes strutting in dressed to the hilt.  Wouldn't it be funny if everyone was in evening gowns and tuxedos next time she visits.. and yeah go ahead and have that picnic. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 10:28:11 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 25, 2011, 09:50:35 AM
What a fun bunch of MILs. How can our DILs possibly dislike us??? LOL

I wish my DIL could have fun with us, but the activities our family enjoyed when the kids were home have no value whatsoever to her. It's hard to be ourselves when we are adjusting our activities to accomodate her. She can control how we spend our time together by simply wearing inappropriate clothing. We aren't comfortable taking off for a day hike & picnic when she's sitting home in 6" heels and a sheath dress. I'm pretty sure DS would choose to stay with her, and that would defeat the purpose of a visit. Without saying a word she continually lets us know, loud and clear, that we and our interests are not acceptable.

Just an idea here.... Next time your DS and DIL are coming for a visit, why not tell DS "Hey I thought it would be nice to go for a hike and picnic this weekend since the weather's going to be so nice. Ask DIL if she liked the potato salad I had last time." Make sure to include something for DS to ASK DIL or he might forget to tell her. Then if she shows up in the heels and dress, go anyway. Maybe arrange to be meeting with your brother or sister or something at the place so you "just can't cancel." 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 25, 2011, 10:35:41 AM
I think ADil is 100% correct. Her clothing shouldn't dictate your plans. Oh wellsies. I think that's her problem, not yours. I have a girlfriend that caught on pretty quick that when she was with us, stilettos weren't going to cut it. She actually enjoys dressing down now to see us, especially b/c her DH started just going without her, as he would be dressed appropriately. She seems so less pressured now; she doesn't have to "think" about what she wears. If you don't live in the Taj Mahal, she shouldn't be dressing like you do. There is a time and place, and that is something she should learn.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 10:43:09 AM
she most likely already understands it and this is how she is making her point without uttering a word... If you feel that someone is 'below' you what better way to let them know then to show up dressed like Paris Hilton.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 25, 2011, 11:11:24 AM
Who's Paris Hilton?
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 11:12:17 AM
LOL Luise
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 11:18:48 AM
Someone whose FMIL will need to be on here. lol
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 25, 2011, 11:19:09 AM
We were asked to vote for out favorite movie star today at Curves and I voted for Clark Gable.  ;)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 25, 2011, 11:21:34 AM
Which is exactly why I think their plans should continue as they were. Pen's not beneath her, and if her point is ignored, it appears as if the point she was trying to make wasn't made at all. She has a whole lot less power than.

Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 11:28:29 AM
But in all fairness and to stop any hard feelings.. I think the plans should be made perfectly clear ahead of time.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 25, 2011, 11:29:42 AM
I always have a pair of sneaks and jeans in my car. Ya never know.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 11:31:20 AM
Quote from: Laurie on February 25, 2011, 11:28:29 AM
But in all fairness and to stop any hard feelings.. I think the plans should be made perfectly clear ahead of time.

Exactly! Because if she Normally dresses in 6 inch heels, that's how she will dress, but if she knows that it is a hike/picnic, she Should dress accordingly. No sense getting upset that she didn't dress for a hike when she doesn't normally.

I'm not as prepared as you Holli. But I have a picnic blanket in there lol
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 11:33:13 AM
I looked in my trunk yesterday... I have a winter jacket, a baggie of dog food and a roll of toilet paper
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 25, 2011, 11:53:25 AM
I always keep a candle and a match in mine. If it gets too cold, and you're stuck broken down one night, a single lit candle can add 10 extra degrees of warmth in a car. Probably not needed in Texas.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 25, 2011, 11:55:54 AM
My truck contains the Nutrisystem "treats" that I can't keep around the house and set of jumper cables (in case I  ever find someone to jump.)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 01:01:16 PM
Hey, but when I used to see my ILs I used to dress "fancier" than they did.  That's just how I dress.  :(  Now did I wear a sheath dress or something I could wear to work?  Well...no.  But I often wore sundresses or a nice blouse and did do my makeup and my hair.  But it wasn't to show that I was better than them, we just had different styles.  They dressed down and I dress up.  If I was told we were going on a hike, I would dress appropriately for that- but if I'm just going over there, I like looking nice.  It's just who I am and I really don't think anything about anyone else when I do it.  Just thought I'd mention that!  I know my ILs talk about my family like we're snobs and think we're better than everyone else and that was probably one of the reasons they thought that, but it was a completely unfair judgment.  I am a girly girl and I really, really love putting on makeup and "dressing up," though not to the extent that Pen was talking about.  But I know they considered it dressing up because it was so different from how they dress.  Although I rarely wore heels, only sometimes when we met them out for dinner. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 25, 2011, 01:18:13 PM
Thinking about it, I generally am dressed to the 9s when the ILs are around. FIL was angry that I would dream of wearing pants to my courthouse wedding (see earlier posts about how I didn't have time to shave my legs, and we were an hour late b/c MIL had to look her best for her son's wedding).

Since then, I am very aware of how I am dressed around them. I dress a lot nicer, simply b/c I feel I am being judged.

I doubt this is the situation for Pen, though.

And like I said: sneaks and jeans in the car. Always.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 01:25:34 PM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 01:01:16 PM
I am a girly girl and I really, really love putting on makeup and "dressing up," though not to the extent that Pen was talking about.  But I know they considered it dressing up because it was so different from how they dress.  Although I rarely wore heels, only sometimes when we met them out for dinner.

I'm a Girly Girl TOO!  :D I LOVE Hats! The ones with the really wide brims that you kinda bend so they can only see one eye as you look out from under it. I look like a "Southern Belle" when I'm out and about in the summertime. (And yes, it makes me feel SEXY! lol)

I remember going over once while DH and I were dating and his mother giving me "that look" because she (and all the kids except DH) was working in the garden and I (with my long girly fingernails, sundress, and hat) wouldn't go help. I was definitely not dressed appropriately for yard work, but since I was going down to see my BF and go out on a date, I didn't feel I should look "garden worthy" lol
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: 1Glitterati on February 25, 2011, 02:35:13 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:41:47 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 06:34:01 AM
But I think anyone who can't admit that site is judgmental, immature, just plain hateful, and non-flexible as a whole doesn't really have a leg to stand on.   

That is very true of a LOT of the DIL's on that site, but not all. There are a few good ones there, but the "evilness" of the ones you describe is ripping the whole place apart.

The site that I think being talked about is relatively tame.  If you want to see a site that ends in limb ripping and dancing on the bones...then pan me and I can send you to it.

I do think that it is very easy for a mil to feel empathy for "her" side of the fight and a dil to do the same.  I think everyone here has done it at one time or another.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 25, 2011, 03:08:29 PM
Yes, speaking only for myself... I have expressed anger, irritation, heartache but never hatred. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 25, 2011, 04:23:05 PM
This is a place to heal. I think anger, irritation and heartache can't help but be part of it at times. It's my belief that hatred hurts that hater.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: MotherOf3 on February 25, 2011, 04:36:07 PM
I too have found some DIL sites to be severely slanted into reading everything the "wrong" way.  There have been many times where I read things and think... This DIL is way over the top.  They complain about things their MILs do but often the things they say they do to their MIL are unbelievably mean.

I'm a very easy going person and I hate arguing with anyone.  If by chance I happen to get a DIL who is confrontational I would just back off and not say a thing.  ANYTHING a person says can always be misconstrued if someone tries hard enough.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 25, 2011, 06:13:07 PM
Good post, Mo3. I think our agendas going into a situation have a lot to do with how we see the other person.

I find myself not wanting to do or say anything even though my DIL isn't confrontational. She just interprets things to fit her agenda. Now I do it to myself, even when she's not around. I've lost my natural joy of living and have become a lot more self-conscious.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 25, 2011, 07:04:30 PM
Oh, Pen, that's so sad. You are such a marvelous person! I can see how it could happen...yet keeping the essence of who you are is vital. It just is! Sending love...
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 25, 2011, 09:20:27 PM
Thank you, Luise. You are so right about the importance of keeping the essence of who we are. I'll eventually figure out that either DS isn't going to forget me or that he and DIL aren't worth losing myself over. I'm not quite secure enough for the former or brave enough for the latter, but I hope to find my bearings soon.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Nana on February 26, 2011, 01:15:24 AM
Pen

I am so sorry you say that.   Your essence (who you really are ) is still there.  It only took a nap.  Sometimes we feel we've changed...probably we do to some extent....or we just put a protective shield to stop the suffering.   But who we are, and what our heart believes....and the love inside us is still there.  Dont you let anyone (least those who dont deserve you) steal your dreams.

Love you
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: tryingmybest on February 26, 2011, 05:04:58 AM
Well saw the family yesterday and observed with interest the attitude shift which was basically "the kids" know all and I am the mom to be tolerated with amusement -  ::)
Ah when did THAT happen?  ??? My son was complaining about an overwhelming day during which he had to keep a number of things straight. I said "would you like to hear a suggestion?" His response was an eye roll and "Do I have a choice?" Even though my urge was to dump a dinner plate over his head, my reposnse was "Of course you do, that's why I asked first."
Now mind you DIL was not there, this was him. He agreed after hearing my suggestion that yeah it would solve his problems completely and make things much easier. He was like amazed that the old broad had an idea....."grrrr". I just smiled and never said another word about the issue.
So I think alot of the problem is the son is frantic to break away in order to become "The Man", and the DIL's don't have a similar need and are quite happy to keep their sources of emotional support - their FOO, close. As a woman, the DIL's way makes more sense to me. I'm grabbing onto that "loving detachment" and have let go of any guilt I used to feel when I put myself first. But you know whats awful - when things I warned him about happen and he's scrambling to deal  with problems that could have been so easily avoioded, I just smile, offer sympathy but in my head I'm saying "I told you, I told you!!!"
Have a great week-end, and heres to us!!!!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 26, 2011, 05:36:12 AM
Quote from: tryingmybest on February 26, 2011, 05:04:58 AM
So I think alot of the problem is the son is frantic to break away in order to become "The Man", and the DIL's don't have a similar need and are quite happy to keep their sources of emotional support - their FOO, close.

I think that is true of many DIL's, but definitely not all. If my mom treated me like a child, she would be kicked to the curb. Maybe sad, but true. My brother has pretty much been completely cut from our lives because he treats us with no respect. And well, treating a grown up like a child is, well, just disrespectful.

Maybe the "young people" don't know it all, but I think they know a LOT more than their parents would like to admit. And, sometimes, young people just wnat to complain without getting a solution (I'm sure that was your son's whole "Do I have a choice?" thing. He didn't want a solution, just wanted to vent about it.) And, they need to go through it on their own (sometimes fail) or they will never learn.

Anywho, that's just my thought/insight as a "young person."
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Hope on February 26, 2011, 05:51:29 AM
tryingmybest,
Good post.  I understand what you're saying and I think you have some interesting points.  I think men do have a need to "break away" from their foo more than women.  Not to say that a mother's relationship with her adult child is coddling - it is as adult "friends" who listen to each other's problems and offer suggestions, lend a hand when needed, or just enjoy sharing life.  My relationship with my dd's is as friends - it's great.  I wish my relationship with my ds was like that - but he has errected a wall between us in recent years.  I can't really feel comfortable around someone who doesn't even want to smile at me.  I am waiting it out - I believe he will eventually come around.  If not, I will just have to accept what life brings.  And I so get the feeling of bewilderment you spoke of when you see your adult child do something you tried to warn them not to do and they have to suffer loss or consequence.  And I also understand that it's their life, their choice, and their lesson.  But we would love to see our children have the most of life............and it's hard to see them struggle b/c we love them so.
I ask our adult children for their advice, too, or how to do something that they know so much more about.
I also get what AnonymousDIL said about people just wanting to vent sometimes without really wanting a solution.
Have a wonderful Saturday, everyone!
Hugs, Hope

Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: tryingmybest on February 26, 2011, 05:55:39 AM
And I think that's the lesson I've learned. Everyone has to make their own choices and deal with the results of those choices good and bad. That's life and growing up. It's hard for Mom's to go from "No don't do that, you are going to get hurt, to not saying anything." It's hard but its necessary, you'll deal with it too, some day down the line. And IMO, caring about your child's welfare is not treating them like a child, and the concern never stops, no matter how old your child gets - so don't be too fast to kick your mom to the curb, be grateful she cares.   - just my thoughts as an "old" person  ;).
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 26, 2011, 07:38:55 AM
We went to an adoption training session this week, and there was a myriad of things they told us that I was a little surprised about. I won't go into all the details, but the one thing they told us to say to our school aged children was, "Are you just looking for someone to listen, or are you just looking for advice?" when they have a problem or a bad day at school.

For me, part of listening is giving advice. I want to jump in and help. My girlfriend was talking about her infertility struggle, and I realized I was sounding like a self-proclaimed expert on the topic. I wasn't really giving her any empathy. But, I guess advice isn't always helpful for some people. It's hard not to want to fix the problem; but I've noticed people are a lot more comfortable with my "listening" when I'm hearing a problem that I honestly believe there is no fix for. I think that's when they recognize my friendship and my support.

I can't help but think what the adoption session was preparing us for was for when our children grow up. There were many other things mentioned that I realized were applicable to adult children. I don't think it is applicable to all adult children, but I think they're expecting that some children aren't going to want advice...and this is a way to make sure you're meeting your child's needs, without pushing them away.  I think it is something they know takes practice if that's the method you choose to use, so if you're going to say it when they're an adult, it has to start before that.

I don't like a lot of advice; my parents haven't really given it, unless I asked them, and when I ask MIL to back off with the advice and help she wants to provide she says, "Oh well, that's what MILs do...we throw everything at you and hope one thing sticks." I find that approach partly redundant and partly overwhelming. She says many things I already thought of, and she also provides so many different angles to something I get a headache. I DO listen to her when she gives advice, and all it does is make me doubt my choice. She injects too much noise into a problem. I have kept my distance from friends that are heavy on advice too, so I'm definitely going to have to work on that "advice" trait in myself.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 08:53:10 AM
That reminds me of my eldest (deceased) son. They were seriously looking at a new house and because I had been in Real Estate and in the decorating business, asked me to come and see it. I did. They showed me the things that weren't right about it for them and said they were still going to buy it because of the location and price.

I went home and thought about it and called with several ideas. I got their answering machine (remember those?) and left  my suggestions there. DS called me back to tell me how angry they were that I gave them unsolicited advice. (I honestly thought that was why they asked me to make the 100 mile trip.) He said I had hurt them deeply....and... that they were going to use all of the ideas I has suggested. Egg shell, eggs shells, everywhere...

Another time I dropped something off at their place and had my new step-daughter (Val's daughter) with me. DS was out, so only DIL was home. I introduced them with some joke about being the Step Mom of one and the MIL of the other. I got a call after I got back home from DIL to the effect that I wasn't her mother in any way shape or form and I was never to refer to her as my DIL again! Egg shells, egg shells everywhere! (She's the one who wrote me the hate letters 7 days after DS died.

If we look for logic, all is lost. We need to seek survival.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Rose799 on February 26, 2011, 10:58:08 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 08:53:10 AM
If we look for logic, all is lost. We need to seek survival.

My df used say, if we "kids" couldn't use good common sense, it may be necessary to pound some into our thick skulls.  Though I know you're right, Luise, it may require some pounding...   :-[
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 11:04:57 AM
Most of us don't give up ideal easily...and that may be a good thing. Sending love...
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Rose799 on February 26, 2011, 11:07:08 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 08:53:10 AM
Egg shells, egg shells everywhere!

It's those egg shells that always trip me up.  Why is it that we have to be something we're not so others can be who they are? 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 11:28:25 AM
We don't have to be "less than." There is always choice. We often just don't like the consequences of the choices available. Pleasing others (or at least keeping them at bay) at the loss of self is a choice. Those of us who choose not to be ourselves have had to face the loss that goes with it. We choose the loss of self over isolation, rejection and attack.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 26, 2011, 12:47:37 PM
If we don't have any say over the choices available to us, it's like having no choice at all. It's amazing how one young woman can have so much power over a family she doesn't know, like or care about.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 12:55:10 PM
We always have a choice...we just don't like the consequences of some of them. It took me a long, long time to learn that and I haven't felt helpless since. We often don't like the choices available and wish things were different so we didn't have to choose...but we have a choice. Others put up road blocks and issue ultimatums..but they can't make us do what we choose not to. When we compromise, there is something in it for us, Again our choice.

And I should add IMHO, of course.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: JaneF on February 26, 2011, 06:53:02 PM
Very interesting topic here ladies. I agree with a lot of what has been said. I also think we have choices we can make, and I too tired of "losing myself" to walk on those dang egg shells all the time! Especially when it made no difference anyway. The statement about some MILs not wanting to "lose" their ds made me think too. I thought most moms wanted their sons to find a mate they were happy with and send them off then with their blessings...guess not all are like that after all. I see that unsolicited advice is a huge problem for a lot of folks, so I tried never to do that with ds and DIL. Dil would only contact me when DS made her mad or was doing things that were bad (and I agree he was being bad!). However, I also guess he was reacting to her constant control of every aspect of their life (but I said nothing!). Not all DILs are awful, not all MILs are awful. Situations are different with every case. Cutting out family for minor infractions is just a control tactic (in my opinion). Cutting out family for real toxic behavior I understand. Luise your story about your son and the house buying thing was quite interesting! And also...Clark Gable in "Gone With The Wind" was awesome!!! But I am only in the 50 age range! I have gained a lot of new perspective on this topic, thanks ladies!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 26, 2011, 08:37:22 PM
JaneF, I am thrilled that my DS found a mate and is off on his own. I'm proud of the man he has become and how seriously he takes his vows. His wife is amazing - I just wish she found us worthy of acceptance. I don't want DS to feel he can't communicate with us because of her disapproval, which is why I am concerned about possibly "losing" my DS.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Rose799 on February 26, 2011, 10:19:24 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 12:55:10 PM
We always have a choice...we just don't like the consequences of some of them. It took me a long, long time to learn that and I haven't felt helpless since. We often don't like the choices available and wish things were different so we didn't have to choose...but we have a choice. Others put up road blocks and issue ultimatums..but they can't make us do what we choose not to. When we compromise, there is something in it for us, Again our choice.

And I should add IMHO, of course.

I've pondered this all day.  I see that I do have choices; I just don't like the options dd gives me to work with. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: JaneF on February 27, 2011, 04:22:03 AM
Pen, I know exactly what you are saying! That is also my situation. I have already "lost" my son because DIL cannot seem to allow anyone in their "circle of family", except for her FOO. Sometimes like I said before, it does not matter what you do or say, or don't do or say, you are cut off...period.This has been in the making for a dozen years, and now her wish is done. I do not understand why, I would be spinning my wheels worrying about why...doesn't matter really. I did want my son to be happy, and I do honestly believe a husband should support his wife and that their relationship is most important (in normal situations, if their is a normal situation!).  In my opinion my DIL is either very spoiled, immature, or a control freak. For instance, sometimes my DIL and DS smoke cigarettes. If DIL thinks it's okay for them to smoke, they do...if SHE decides they shouldn't HE CAN'T! Before that statement upsets anyone let me say this, I used to smoke, don't now. To each his own, if you smoke it's your business, if you don't same thing. We all have choices to make. Also DIL does not use salt, for some reason she fears it and thinks it is deadly even in small amounts. She gets angry if son chooses to use a bit of salt on his food! DIL also judges people and uses religion to make herself feel "above others", but this girl goes to bars, drinks and smokes, swears, steals, and lies about family members to get them to fight and argue. It's okay for her to get her doctor to give her xanax bars "for her anxiety", or valium, or powerful stuff to" help her sleep", but anyone else is a "drug addict" if they use the stuff. She has the "I can do no wrong syndrome". Every statement I made about her has been witnessed by more than a few people. She tried to cut my DS out of his grandmothers life by telling him this lady "flipped her the bird" one day! This grandmother was a great lady that would never have done such a thing. I knew her for 30 years before her death, she was my ex husbands mom, and one of my best friends. DS knew the statement was not true, grandmother told him so. DIL was mad when he continued to see his grandmother, even though DS took all their laundry to her house and did it every single week while DIL stayed home and refused to be near DS FOO. Strange behavior! Blessings to you all.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: JaneF on February 27, 2011, 04:23:25 AM
I just noticed my typing error! First line...saing (mercy), meant saying of course. OOPS!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 27, 2011, 05:51:48 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 26, 2011, 08:37:22 PM
JaneF, I am thrilled that my DS found a mate and is off on his own. I'm proud of the man he has become and how seriously he takes his vows. His wife is amazing - I just wish she found us worthy of acceptance. I don't want DS to feel he can't communicate with us because of her disapproval, which is why I am concerned about possibly "losing" my DS.

I really think your DS will come around, Pen.  She doesn't have anything to really disapprove about!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 27, 2011, 07:33:17 AM
Pam1, you're so sweet. You give me hope, thank you.

I could fill a post with my shortcomings as seen through DIL's eyes...it's all true, that's the sad thing. Qualities that are interesting and charming to some are boring and annoying to others, I guess.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Hope on February 27, 2011, 09:04:21 AM
Pen,
You always make perfect sense to me and my admiration for you runs deep.  Could be that no matter who your ds's mother was, your dil would feel threatened b/c she wants her foo to be on top.  Or maybe it's just that you are so different that she just doesn't feel comfortable - not that either of your life styles are "wrong".  It's a guessing game.  One thing for sure - no one is perfect.  If someone is looking for fault - it's a guarantee they will find it - in anyone.  In my books, you are top notch!
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Rose799 on February 27, 2011, 09:41:39 AM
Quote from: Pen on February 27, 2011, 07:33:17 AM
I could fill a post with my shortcomings as seen through DIL's eyes...it's all true, that's the sad thing. Qualities that are interesting and charming to some are boring and annoying to others, I guess.

Pen, has it occurred to you that dil wants to give you that impression because she finds you a threat?  Maybe it has nothing at all to do with you, but rather that dh speaks too highly of his dm?  Maybe she's insecure & afraid of the competition?  At times dd acts that way.  I'm always taken by surprise as I never know when I've been entered in a contest.  I learn after the fact, seeing dd's reaction to having won.  The sad thing is that I was always in dd's cheering section. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 27, 2011, 11:28:37 AM
Thanks, Hope, I greatly admire you as well. Your kind words and thoughtful posts are much appreciated.

I think you're right - no matter who DIL's ILs might have been they'd never live up to her FOO.

Rose799, the contest surprises me too. When did I sign up? I'm not competitive at all.

My DIL is wonderful - she's devoted to DS, very accomplished, beautiful, hardworking. It doesn't make sense that she'd be threatened by me, but if DIL wants to be the only important person in DS's life perhaps it's hard for her to deal with his FOO.

Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 27, 2011, 12:48:05 PM
JF - What typo?  :)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: JaneF on February 27, 2011, 01:17:18 PM
Ahhh, thanks Luise...that is cool! I guess my mind was racing faster than my typing fingers! I wish all of our issues in life could be fixed as easily as you fixed my typing error, that would be great wouldn't it? Have a great day!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 27, 2011, 01:34:11 PM
Pen.. has the opportunity ever come up to where you could ask her.... but I tend to agree, most likely would have happened to any extended family that she married into.  I honestly believe my dil would have behaved the same had she married Prince William.  Would have been kinda cool to see the Queen logging in here
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 27, 2011, 01:48:32 PM
The Queen is my age and so is Shirley Temple. We grew up together...Girl Scouts - boys, you know!  (I was the lucky one!;D ;D ;D)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 27, 2011, 04:48:07 PM
So that makes this Shirley Temple doll I have here quite old... lol.. I lived to watch Shirley Temple movies
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 27, 2011, 06:48:06 PM
Yup, you have a treasure there!  :)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 27, 2011, 06:59:45 PM
My mil gave me the doll.. she didn't have the heart to part with it, so this is her way to keep it in the family.. Matter of fact as much as I love my mil, this is my one qualm with her.. everything in her life has a special meaning and she is terrified that when she dies these treasures will be lost forever, so she is constantly asking me to take pieces, or for permission to put my name on them... lol.. honest you can pick up any item in her house and there is a person's name on the bottom.  A doll, her candlewick collection, these things I can pack up for safe keeping and store them.. but now she is looking around my house and asking.. where will my furniture fit in here if you keep buying furniture ... lol.. guess I was suppose to sit with an empty house waiting for her to pass away.. which btw isn't happening soon .. she is healthier then I :)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 07:50:25 AM
I think you have to ask yourself a couple of questions when you are "walking on egg-shells" and not being yourself.

1.  If I continue being this person who isn't me, and my DIL excepts me for that person, can I live with being this person?

2.  If I continue being this person who isn't me, and my DIL is still not responding, why am I doing this to myself?

I am not talking about compromising some of our ways to please someone else, I think that is what compromise is.  But truly being uncomfortable in your own skin for who you have become.  I personally, can't do that.  I am who I am.  Imperfect, flawed, loud-mouth, loving, caring and loyal.  I can compromise on things and always improve myself, but my basic person is there to stay.

Pen, take a look around at all your friends and family you get along with.  I figure if I can honestly say, right now, I have at least 20 people that love me and like to hang out and talk to me, and 2 that don't.....I'm doing pretty well.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 28, 2011, 09:54:24 AM
Laurie, your MIL would drive me bananas. I was raised in a home where everything you picked up had a story and was priceless and irreplaceable for that reason. And there was way too much of it. It seems to be in the genes of some. They project value and then are at the effect of it. (My take.) Both of my sisters got the gene but I didn't. (One told me once that my home looked like a store window, unlived in.  :() Three times I have sold a house fully furnished because the buyer loved every bit of it and didn't know how to replicate the essence of my decorating. I truly love the things I place in my surroundings and some things have a story like the oil painting over my fireplace that I watched being painted by a very highly regarded (highly priced) local artist. I offered him $100. for it ( they go for $1,500. and up) because that was all I had and he sold it to me "to give it a good home."  :D  If I moved and changed my decor, I would let it go without issue. We have a Thrift Shop here on our campus and it is a marvelous outlet for me and many others. (Although I sometimes run into someone in the halls wearing my clothes.  :o) I have certain things on my end tables but no clutter. I have a little what-not cabinet about 12' wide and a buffet with upper glass doors that has "pretties" in it. But nothing is sacred.

I don't think others are more sentimental ...we just have differing values without a right and a wrong. I'm such a "purger" that I often toss something that I have to later replace!  ;D ;D

P.S. I would love to see a Shirley Temple doll again. Yup,  I too, had one. We all did.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 10:05:56 AM
That would drive me nuts too.

My MIL insists on coming over before any yard sale so she can pick out all the things of ours that she wants to keep for sentimental value.  Our stuff!  She's also terrified that I will give/throwaway/sell something from DH's childhood.  First of all, he doesn't have much of his childhood stuff b/c she has it all and never gave it up!  Seriously, he's not even allowed to have a couple pictures of himself as a kid.  And secondly, why can't he decide what to keep and not keep?  I mean, after she is gone...is he supposed to take it back and keep it forever?  I don't get it.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 28, 2011, 10:15:13 AM
Hello, My name is AnonymousDIL and I am a packrat..... LOL

I'm sooo much better than I used to be. I used to be a hoarder growing up, but now it tends to only be cards and notes from loved ones, "sentimental" gifts from my mom (like a "To My Daughter," music box), and my doll collection. Most of them are now in storage because Hubby thinks they are creepy when I have them out (I set them up decorating the Christmas tree and that kind of stuff lol), but I just can't part with them. They are like my children. And my dad actually made some of them for me.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 28, 2011, 10:21:09 AM
I try to keep sentimental things, but I wind up going overboard. I then purge the whole house. I always keep something if someone made it for me though; I love the effort in gifts like that. Except for baked goods, those are gone in a day. Yum!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 10:22:33 AM
I think it is easy to tie emotions and memories to an item.  We have been going through my house in another county, getting it ready to sell.  It has been really hard going through and getting rid of much of my things.  I found myself putting a thing in a box I was keeping because I was in tears going, "Oh that was YS's first rock he collected on his first day of kindergarten..." , "Oh DS brought that stick home from his first camping trip with...."  Oh geesh.  I finally caught myself and made myself realize that it wasn't that item I was tied to, it was the memory.  And I could part with the item and still have the memory.  I shed many tears going through all my things and getting rid of stuff.

Pam, my Mother gave me tons of stuff for 20 years and when I was going through everything, I set aside in boxes the things she had given me, that I didn't want.  When I would get a box or two full, I would call her and tell her that she needed to come look through it before I got rid of it to see if she wanted any of it back.  She didn't.  But she also admitted to me that it has just been in the last 10 years that she has been able to turn loose of alot of her stuff because she was raised during the depression where you don't get rid of anything.  To her, it wasn't emotional attachment, it was logical attachment from being raised that "that's still got use in it".

So I do get it....but I'm learning to not get it!  ;D
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 10:27:07 AM
You guys need to watch Hoarders before you get out of hand!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 10:29:00 AM
Nuh uh!  They have rats.........
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: AnonymousDIL on February 28, 2011, 10:31:51 AM
Quote from: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 10:22:33 AM
I think it is easy to tie emotions and memories to an item.  We have been going through my house in another county, getting it ready to sell.  It has been really hard going through and getting rid of much of my things.  I found myself putting a thing in a box I was keeping because I was in tears going, "Oh that was YS's first rock he collected on his first day of kindergarten..." , "Oh DS brought that stick home from his first camping trip with...."  Oh geesh.  I finally caught myself and made myself realize that it wasn't that item I was tied to, it was the memory.  And I could part with the item and still have the memory.  I shed many tears going through all my things and getting rid of stuff.

LOL I used to be that way, but I progressed past that point lol I hope I don't revert when I have kids lol!
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 10:33:33 AM
Quote from: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 10:29:00 AM
Nuh uh!  They have rats.........

Not all of 'em!  One lady hoarded chickens and another guy had rabbits!!!!!  It just shows the places you can end up with hoarding. It starts out small.....
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pen on February 28, 2011, 10:41:25 AM
Yikes. I think I might be a hoarder, if cellulite counts  ;D
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 10:46:39 AM
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.......
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 10:48:40 AM
haha, its ok, I hoard hair in the winter :)

Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 28, 2011, 10:57:02 AM
I hoard WWU members. I have over 2000!  8)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 28, 2011, 01:24:18 PM
I have found that life is so much less stressful for my mil when I say, yes Mom I will take good care of that...  One day she was chasing me around asking do you like this.. how about that.. finally I asked, "do you mean now of when you're dead".  Mom does have beautiful things, things that belong with her style :)  but Shirley does have a home here, although I keep her wrapped and boxed up like she's in a coffin.

Oh speaking of coffins.. my son got to stay in one of those Japanese capsule hotels.. can't be a hoarder if you are going to live like that.

Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: holliberri on February 28, 2011, 01:27:36 PM
It doesn't look like you could have claustrophobia either.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 01:32:36 PM
I hope he got a free MRI with that....
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 28, 2011, 01:42:08 PM
What the...I have never seen one of those.  Wow, I could NOT do that small of a space.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 02:00:09 PM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 28, 2011, 01:42:08 PM
What the...I have never seen one of those.  Wow, I could NOT do that small of a space.

Could you sleep here?  http://www.geekologie.com/2008/02/underwater_hotel_in_istanbul_t.php

I hope those walls are insulated really well in Japan, I'm pretty sure I could sleep in there if there wasn't much noise. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 28, 2011, 02:05:42 PM
ohhhh yes I could/would/should sleep in a underwater hotel
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 28, 2011, 02:23:17 PM
OMG!  Underwater!  No no no no no!  See, I find the concept incredibly cool and I enjoy scuba diving, so I really don't mind being underwater.  But OH the anxiety of wondering if something in the foundation of the hotel would give, it would flood, and we would all drown.  Oh gosh.  I just couldn't.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 28, 2011, 02:30:09 PM
Well if the floor was wet upon entering I might ask for  a refund
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 28, 2011, 02:30:56 PM
Laurie, it just takes one small leak and then BAM!  Haven't you seen Titanic?  ;)
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 03:55:25 PM
No, I didn't watch the Titanic b/c I already knew what was going to happen. 

But, if the underwater hotel busted, wouldn't the glass break from the pressure since you're on the bottom and then the pressure would just send you up to the top? I have no idea what I'm talking about but it makes sense to me lol.  I would assume they'd have suits and oxygen masks so you can find your way out still breathing too.
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: LaurieS on February 28, 2011, 04:14:08 PM
Quote from: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 03:55:25 PM
No, I didn't watch the Titanic b/c I already knew what was going to happen. 

But, if the underwater hotel busted, wouldn't the glass break from the pressure since you're on the bottom and then the pressure would just send you up to the top? I have no idea what I'm talking about but it makes sense to me lol.  I would assume they'd have suits and oxygen masks so you can find your way out still breathing too.
LOL really Pam
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 05:26:55 PM
Hey, I may not have paid too much attention in physics but I think I'm onto something.  Think about it, the titanic sunk because it was filled with air on top and the water weighed it down.  So if water comes crashing into an underwater dwelling the pressure would likely cause the thing to burst and everything would shoot to the top.  Now I guess it would stink if the structure didn't burst all the way and you got stuck up near the glass.  lol, I thought about this all the way throughout dinner.  Maybe I've found something to go back to school for. 
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on February 28, 2011, 07:25:33 PM
I can't do this thread. I'm feeling sick...
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: Pooh on March 01, 2011, 06:28:05 AM
Quote from: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 05:26:55 PM
Hey, I may not have paid too much attention in physics but I think I'm onto something.  Think about it, the titanic sunk because it was filled with air on top and the water weighed it down.  So if water comes crashing into an underwater dwelling the pressure would likely cause the thing to burst and everything would shoot to the top.  Now I guess it would stink if the structure didn't burst all the way and you got stuck up near the glass.  lol, I thought about this all the way throughout dinner.  Maybe I've found something to go back to school for.

I think she is right....that's what happened to Sylvester Stallone and the chick in "Daylight".   ;D
Title: Re: I am so jaded...
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2011, 11:39:21 AM
This room is spinning....