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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: just2baccepted on August 03, 2009, 04:58:08 PM

Title: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: just2baccepted on August 03, 2009, 04:58:08 PM
Prissy and Luise - Can you give details into what kind of relationship you would enjoy with your adult sons and their wives?  How many visits, how much contact etc.  What would your ideal relationship be with them?

Anybody else is welcome to answer too!
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: Prissy on August 03, 2009, 05:27:12 PM
Just2b,
Just to be accepted and treated with respect.  That sweet love only a child of your own can bring.  That's all. 

I don't even want a relationship with his wife anymore.  I'm sorry to say this but I just can hardly stand her. I'm being brutally honest.  She is so controlling, so rigid, so strange and so unlike anyone I've ever known.

She slipped and said one time: "he changes when he's around you all".

He is a total robot with her. We don't know him any longer.  Can you imagine?  Can you imagine raising a child and them becoming a stranger?

Her parents are just perfect to her (these people are the fruitcakes of the earth) I'm not kidding. We were loved in this town (50,000 people) and loved by our sons so much.

We had a happy family until she came into the picture. Still, I catch myself and know that this is what he needed. He needed to be controlled.

I wanted to be treated the same way she treats the fruitcakes who brought her up.

Just2b...I relate so much to all you said in your first note.  In fact, it made me cry because it brought up so many painful memories.  I don't know why your MIL rejected you. I can feel your kind spirit in your words. 

How did you want her to treat you?  How does your Husband treat them? :)
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 03, 2009, 05:36:58 PM
  Not too much involvement.  A phone call to say hi, how ya doin from EITHER of them.  (Now I am going back a few years).  Perhaps when I invite them over for dinner they don't let out an exasperated moan, ask each other, put hand over mouthpiece and discuss for awhile.  And if they do accept they try to come on time?  Partake in the banter at the table and not leave so soon?

   Include us in something about their lives - something that is happening in their lives? 

  Any little morsel would do. 

Not to just be called when they need someone to watch pet, house, take them to car repair, loan money, etc.   
  Just to be treated a little like some of their friends.  That we aren't just some awful obligation they feel they HAVE to fulfill, begrudgingly.  With her parents it is so different. 
  They were always going out with one of them - since they are divorced - having little get togethers, shopping, etc. 
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 04, 2009, 10:36:03 AM
I would like to have been given a clean slate when she met me. My elder (deceased) son decided when he was about 13 that I was totally unacceptable. I don't know when the DIL I am writing about decided that about her own mother, but when they got together the "somebody done me wrong-song" was fully established and we were both stereotypes. We were treated like second-rate citizens; tolerated but definitely inferior, unwanted and unloved. I never understood any of it.

My second son's wife was prejudiced in the opposite way because he thinks he really lucked out in the mom-department. (Same mom, for heavens sake.) Anyhow, she came into my life with open arms and an open heart. We are very different but we have a deep respect for each other and can count on each other when either of us needs help.
We have a friendship that is separate from their relationship and we love to do stuff together, email back and forth, etc.

My point is that there was no clean slate in either case. A picture was painted of me that highly influenced our relationship before we ever met. I know that is hard to erase, but I would like a future DIL to decide for herself what she wants from me and what she has to offer...after we have met and had a chance to get to know each other. It can be pals, or just courteous. It can provide the opportunity to go deeper or stay on the surface. I'm able to adjust. I just want it to work.
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 04, 2009, 01:31:56 PM
Courteous!!  Oh my, you said it right there! 
   Ours are a whole different generation.  I was taught to respect and be kind.  I didn't look for any problems with my mil and I didn't find any.
   I went along with the program as best as I could but I was always courteous to his family.  I was just raised right I guess!! ;)
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: Prissy on August 04, 2009, 01:39:02 PM
uh, yeah, that is gone with the wind, I think. These young women are "different", not respectful. (I know, Luise, not all of them. I don't know one who isn't, that's all)

She whispered to me one time, triumphantly: "you don't like it cause I stole your little boy"

How low can you go?
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 04, 2009, 01:39:09 PM
I think there's a lot to be said for that. We can be independent, self-starters and still be gracious. I know the old, down-trodden and passive "little-woman" is a thing of the past (thank heavens) but we can stand tall and still be gentle about it. We can listen and we can understand...those traits don't have to be trashed along with dependency.

Opps! Almost fell off my soapbox!
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: just2baccepted on August 04, 2009, 01:42:46 PM
Luise - I went into my marriage I guess naive to the realities of family relationships.  Since my family seemed to accept my hubby then I assumed that as long as I was nice and welcoming then his parents would like me too.  Oh my gosh was I wrong.  Were they just prepared not to like me?
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 04, 2009, 02:34:57 PM
Well, if there was that mind-set, to already not like you even before they met you, what a bummer. I'm sure that happens.

I was just as innocent at age 62 when I married my now-hubby and made the same assumptions. But his son and DIL were terrible to me. I thought if I made his dad happy, that would put a star in my crown. Not even close. I was much younger, so I must be after his money. What money! LOL!  ;D
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: Prissy on August 04, 2009, 03:20:44 PM
That's terrible!! Off with their heads!  I can't believe it.  Oh but yes, I can. People can be so mean.
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 04, 2009, 03:33:55 PM
Well, twenty years later he thinks he invented me probably because he doesn't have to deal with his aging parent but maybe he just figured out that I'm wonderful! More LOL!  :D
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: Prissy on August 04, 2009, 03:52:07 PM
You have 8 pluses  >:(  I am so jealous.
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 04, 2009, 05:32:20 PM
Are we doing good cop/bad cop?  ;D
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: Prissy on August 04, 2009, 07:34:13 PM
I haven't decided  :-*
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 05, 2009, 12:41:05 PM
The PLUS  *hint*hint to this is that they can learn.

   If one truly wanted to be a friend to their mil, they would be.  end of story.
 
   There is always passive aggressiveness.   :D :D :D
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: Prissy on August 05, 2009, 02:27:46 PM
Or, guilt trips!!! :P
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 05, 2009, 10:21:06 PM
Truth be told, we have met some really great DILs on this site who gave their all to their MILs and were still shut out and put down. It happens.

I remembr 100 years ago when I was was still in high school and accepted my boyfriend's fraternity pin. I lived in Michigan, he lived in Illinois. (Long story.) He was in pre-med and eventually became a doctor because his mother wanted him to be one. He wanted to be a writer. My aunt introduced us because she was his Creative Writing teacher in high school and liked him a lot. He took me home to meet his mother and she walked into the room and snarled..."Well...I don't think we need to be introduced, do we?!!" It was all downhill for me after that. Not for him...but I simply couldn't cope with that kind of person. I'm sure glad she showed her colors early on. 
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 06, 2009, 08:01:11 AM
A trusting, loving son is the key to disaster? I'm not quite following, since in my instance my eldest son was distrusting and unloving and found his perfect match. And when my trusting and loving younger son misread his former wife and found himself locked into her pathology, he ended it. Not for me...for himself.

In the situation I just wrote about, I don't think my boyfriend was even worried about taking me home to meet his mother because he was used to his mother's antics. I was the trusting one that gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and trusted one and all unless I was given reason not to. But when I found reason not to trust, I acted in my own best interest.

It seems like sometimes our sons, back to the other side of the coin, see their best interest as disconnecting from their families of origin because they didn't detect the fly in the ointment, (the wife's insecurity or whatever), until it was too late. Leaving is not always the solution, just as staying isn't always the solution, either. It's their issue and we ofter suffer what is now being called "collateral damage." (Heartbreak.)

Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 06, 2009, 08:26:59 AM
Quote from: Anna on August 06, 2009, 08:17:32 AM
I know Louise, ironic isn't it.  I see the wall around my son, he is careful of what he says & does in front of his wife, just as we are, because she is like dynamite & we never know what will set her off.  It must be really hard for him living this way, he has to deal with it on a daily basis.  At least we CAN step away now & then.   
I sooo worry about the day when he implodes over the so-called-life they have with each other.  I have repeated myself to my family many times.  The door has closed.  I don't want to bother with him anymore. 
   Sounds harsh, mean, etc.  It is NOT a get even tactic.  I just cannot fathom having him back in my life and all the baggage ever again. 
   I can say that once I made my decision, the migraines became fewer, the IBS just about disappeared!!, ulcer healed, weight and b/p under control, and I enjoyed waking every morning to a new day.  When they were in my life it was turmoil, drama, upset, and a big dose of hurt.
   I am free. 
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: Prissy on August 06, 2009, 10:17:14 AM
Oh HappyDay,
How I wish to be free.  I am caught in the "wish it was different" stage. Son is so different and remote. Why did I ever buy him those long pants??? (a quote from Auntie Mame)
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 06, 2009, 09:31:26 PM
We have had some lovely DILs on this site who have wanted desperately to relate warmly to their MILS and who took endless abuse trying in vain to establish mutual respect. If the raw material isn't there, it's a no-go. 
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: just2baccepted on August 08, 2009, 07:32:34 PM
Luise! I had no idea that you were the creator of the momresponds website!   I have read that one several times trying to get ideas about my difficult MIL.  I also didn't know that you created this website, I thought you were just another poster.  I love your momresponds website.  I have read many of the questions.  I read the one about your chihuahua and his tinkle problem.  Have you ever heard of belly bands?  They're bands that go around the doggies little willy and that keeps them from the marking behavior in the house.  You just take the band off before they go outside to potty.  I think you can get them at any pet store.  That's one of the reason why I prefer girls and also so I can put pretty bows in their hair.  But its certainly nice to meet the lady of that neat site!!
Title: Re: What kind of relationship do MIL want with their children?
Post by: luise.volta on August 08, 2009, 10:02:33 PM
Well, thank you! What a nice post.  ;D And thank you for the great Chihuahua advice! I will try that and report back.

In my bio that is on my www.MomResponds.com website, there is a picture of me with my webmaster-son. That's how I have been able to do this kind of work. What a great facilitator he is!

This site evolved out of my work with Prissy on that site. We have a wonderful gang here!