Why does a person choose jealousy, which tears relationships apart?
Past betrayals cause jealousy and distrust...
I've heard people say, "I don't trust anyone". and boy that statement alone, makes me distance from those who feel that way...it's ok to be cautious, but to distrust and be jealous is a obsession for control.
Jealous people are tyrannical, controlling, manipulative, domineering and completely insensitive to the impact of their actions on their partner
Jealousy and anger are emotional reactions to believing scenarios in your mind that are not true
Truly lasting happiness is yours when you have the self awareness to choose the criteria in your mind and change it at will. With self-mastery you are able to choose the emotion you express in each moment. When you have this level of self-mastery the obvious choice is to express love. The Dalai Llama is a well known public figure that demonstrates this mastery of expressing love.
It is not a religion, but should be...you cannot give love, unless you know what love is...happiness, is the root of that love...along with compassion for others, and developing the awareness that how you think and feel, not only effects your own personal character but the lives of others....
So true. I didn't know you were a fan of the Dalhi Llama, but I wish more people were.
You're right, jealousy is usually a sign of something else, like insecurity.
Jealousy is based in a fear of losing something.
Jealousy is a protection response formed to a perceived threat, (real or imagined).
Like may emotions of passion, jealousy can be useful, but when left unchecked, it becomes destructive towards the very things it's meant to protect.
Ironic (or not) that Abusive husbands are also often called "Jealous husbands."
I think jealousy, is the by-product of coveting. The person sees people living a life they would like to live....and if they can't get that exact result in their own they become jealous of the example family. Or anyone that has something they desire.
Abusive husbands or wives, have a dream of how people should see them. If their spouses don't perform to their expectations all hell breaks loose.
So what do you call those emotions that hit you in the gut when suddenly DILs family is the one that gets all the time and attention from DIL & DS, going on trips and to events, having parties, etc. etc. and we're left with next to nothing? I do envy DIL's family for having more time with DS & DIL, but I don't want to be called "tyrannical, manipulative, controlling, domineering" etc. and honestly don't think I am. I consider myself hurt, confused, & sad about a change I had nothing to do with.
I think DIL's family is tyrannical & domineering and all the rest, actually, since they call all the shots. They aren't jealous of us in the least!
Honestly, Penstamen,
It's that the DIL calls all the shots and the kick in the gut is that you are standing there, after raising a good son, with nothing but leftovers. It's ridiculous, again, ridiculous.
It's asking too much of us as parents to watch this and have tape over our mouths afraid to speak! I don't care how you dissect it, it's just not right! But for Heaven's sake, don't say a word. You'll be cast out into outer darkness for speaking.
Yeah, but Chickie, am I all those horrible things that jealous people are? 'Cos I do admit to being envious about how much DIL's family gets vs. what we get.
No, you're not! NO YOU'RE NOT! Of course you feel that way, who wouldn't? You feel exactly like anyone else who has been kicked in the gut. It hurts.
We've done nothing wrong. Just had a son, that's all.
Penstamen,
You may feel envious of the time the Dil's family gets...but you ARE NOT controlling the time management. Your DIL is. Her jealousy of your relationships causes her to manage as much time for her side of the family as she can. She is trying to create it or a facsimile of it there. She doesn't realize that her hubby's parents are a vital part of that relationship .....she thinks if she has the son the goodness will blossom for her and her parents. What she gets is a pale shadow of what she wants. She blames it on you, as your fault, when all along it is something lacking in them.
Quote from: penstamen on January 14, 2010, 05:05:55 PM
Yeah, but Chickie, am I all those horrible things that jealous people are? 'Cos I do admit to being envious about how much DIL's family gets vs. what we get.
Hey, it would bother any normal person Pen...believe me...don't beat yourself up for being human....I promise it would hurt anyone....
I think it's perfectly normal to feel a little jealousy, or envy, when you see other people going to fabulous parties, trips, events without you. That's why etiquette guidelines generally say it's not nice to talk to people about parties they're not invited to. To spare their feelings.
But it's hard with families, because you do want to ask whatever they've been up to and to hear their stories. Of course it helps tremendously if you do get to also do cool things with them. You'd have your own memories with them to come back to, to balance the envy out. When you don't have that, it makes sense that the jealousy would grow and be harder to manage.
I think if the jealousy is not expressed at all, or expressed in a positive-ish way, like "ooh! that sounds fun!" or even "oh my gawd, I'm so jealous! tell me more!" with admiration or awe, good energy, then it's probably in the realm of safe jealousy. To express it with sadness, as if their good times cost someone else joy, then I think it would make others uncomfortable. To express it with anger, as if they did something wrong by having good times, might frighten people away.
How it's channeled, and as a matter of degree?
Like with husbands, if my husband gets a bit jealous because a college-age store clerk seemed to flirt with me, it can be flattering and even cute. "He thinks I'm attractive to strapping young boys!" But if he got jealous because a male workmate had to call about a project, and he started asking me 100 questions, and looked at me suspiciously, it would repel me.
Quote from: Sassy on January 15, 2010, 08:29:23 AM
I think it's perfectly normal to feel a little jealousy, or envy, when you see other people going to fabulous parties, trips, events without you. That's why etiquette guidelines generally say it's not nice to talk to people about parties they're not invited to. To spare their feelings.
But it's hard with families, because you do want to ask whatever they've been up to and to hear their stories. Of course it helps tremendously if you do get to also do cool things with them. You'd have your own memories with them to come back to, to balance the envy out. When you don't have that, it makes sense that the jealousy would grow and be harder to manage.
I think if the jealousy is not expressed at all, or expressed in a positive-ish way, like "ooh! that sounds fun!" or even "oh my gawd, I'm so jealous! tell me more!" with admiration or awe, good energy, then it's probably in the realm of safe jealousy. To express it with sadness, as if their good times cost someone else joy, then I think it would make others uncomfortable. To express it with anger, as if they did something wrong by having good times, might frighten people away.
How it's channeled, and as a matter of degree?
Like with husbands, if my husband gets a bit jealous because a college-age store clerk seemed to flirt with me, it can be flattering and even cute. "He thinks I'm attractive to strapping young boys!" But if he got jealous because a male workmate had to call about a project, and he started asking me 100 questions, and looked at me suspiciously, it would repel me.
I can understand the logic of what your saying, and it does make sense....
when I was young, I remember being jealous, but that was a long time ago...plus since then, I've had a lot of marvelous opportunities...travel, going to many places, vacations, etc....so, when someone tells me they're going some where, I'm so happy for them...and can't wait to hear all about it when they return...
I really don't get very jealous any more? but I will admit, I envy MIL's who have great relationships with they're DIL's, or DIL's who share happy nice stories with me about they're MIL's. It makes me wish, yanno...
I deserve a DIL who likes me...we all do....but, I'm lucky cuz my son's friends still come around a lot...so, it does kinda make up for it...they tell me, they'd love to have me for a mom in law....so, I'm lucky and try to stay focused on that....
but, ya can't hate me for wishing right? LOL
I'm also happy for friends who have something wonderful to tell me - I'm happy for DIL & DS to have all the opportunities we never had, also. I know who I am and who DH is and how our lives are - no illusions there. We have a good life and enjoy many blessings (think Haiti right now; our situations are not even close!) We have our own activities that we enjoy and honestly don't want to live like DIL's family. We have other priorities than spending money to impress others (Haiti right now, for example.)
Here's what I would say to DS & DIL if I could do so without fear that that would be the end of our fragile relationship:
What I'm envious of is the time and attention DIL's family gets compared to us. It's not even close. I don't care if it's equal time - just treat us like human beings with feelings. Don't treat us like afterthoughts. Understand that when you tell us/show photos about the wonderful times you've had with DIL's family it might be hurtful, especially if we'd been dis-invited and then shunned at the same event. Also, I'd rather get nothing for Christmas or Mother's Day than some re-gifted or cheap present that is a slap in the face because it has nothing to do with me or my interests or my life. I'd like to occasionally be appreciated for the effort I put in as a mom and who I am as a person!
Quote from: penstamen on January 15, 2010, 09:39:08 AM
I'm also happy for friends who have something wonderful to tell me - I'm happy for DIL & DS to have all the opportunities we never had, also. I know who I am and who DH is and how our lives are - no illusions there. We have a good life and enjoy many blessings (think Haiti right now; our situations are not even close!) We have our own activities that we enjoy and honestly don't want to live like DIL's family. We have other priorities than spending money to impress others (Haiti right now, for example.)
Here's what I would say to DS & DIL if I could do so without fear that that would be the end of our fragile relationship:
What I'm envious of is the time and attention DIL's family gets compared to us. It's not even close. I don't care if it's equal time - just treat us like human beings with feelings. Don't treat us like afterthoughts. Understand that when you tell us/show photos about the wonderful times you've had with DIL's family it might be hurtful, especially if we'd been dis-invited and then shunned at the same event. Also, I'd rather get nothing for Christmas or Mother's Day than some re-gifted or cheap present that is a slap in the face because it has nothing to do with me or my interests or my life. I'd like to occasionally be appreciated for the effort I put in as a mom and who I am as a person!
hmmmm, I wonder what your son would do if he heard this from you? Gosh, it's such a brutal honesty...how could they reject you for feeling like that....? Reject you for loving them, wanting them around, they should be honored that you feel that way...
boy, sometimes I really dislike people for being so self imposed.
I've thought and thought about how I could convey my feelings to DS and possibly DIL without having it make me sound like a whiny, pitiful, jealous, clingy mom. You know how some people can twist anything around to make it fit their agenda? I'm pretty certain no matter how I phrased it I'd end up looking bad.
Penstamen,
I have a friend whose daughter married a well to do Dr's son. They have access to much more than my friend has. Vacation homes, etc. My friend just about grieved herself to death and at first, her Daughter distanced herself from her Mother a little when they first married.
My friend never said anything that I know of to her but just waited and now, the Daughter has a child and is coming closer to her mother now. I am so happy for her!!
I guess with a DIL you really can't say much of anything. IT WILL be twisted around no matter how well you phrase it. Nowhere for us to be ever!
It's comforting to know someone understands. Thanks, Chickie.
I also think that jealousy is about coveting. Those that I know that are the most jealous seem to also be hoarders, they have to have it all and they hoard alot of things.
They don't understand that there is enough love for everyone and thus they feel that there is only so much love available, thus if you are getting some you are taking from the limited resources of love and thus there is less for them, some even believe you are taking from them.
The person prone to jealousy does not want love in general, they want to come absolutely first, to them it is a competition as to who is the fairest of them all.
Yes Survivor, your correct, and sometimes, I can't help but feel sorry for them, b/c most of them, will never grasp the bigger picture...and be at harmony with life...and others...
The last time I was visiting, I met two of they're friends, very nice people, but the moment they left, she was talking about them....sad...she is jealous and doesn't know how to be happy for the accomplishments of others....she always wants what she doesn't have, or think she doesn't have....
I agree with Orly and Survivor,
Jealousy is how people react to coveting. I believe there are 3 ways to respond to life: (1) Get Good...(at something), (2) Be Good...(Have Friends..Be well Liked), or (3) Drop Out...(Jealousy and Shun the people most admired).
Quote from: Survivor on January 16, 2010, 04:02:38 AM
I also think that jealousy is about coveting. Those that I know that are the most jealous seem to also be hoarders, they have to have it all and they hoard alot of things.
They don't understand that there is enough love for everyone and thus they feel that there is only so much love available, thus if you are getting some you are taking from the limited resources of love and thus there is less for them, some even believe you are taking from them.
The person prone to jealousy does not want love in general, they want to come absolutely first, to them it is a competition as to who is the fairest of them all.