March 28, 2024, 08:18:14 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Scoop

16
Can you make a joke about it?  Next time she calls you Mrs Smith, say "Oh please call me Sue, whenever you say Mrs Smith, I start looking for MY Mother-In-Law!"

or "Oh, we're all adults here, please call me Sue."

or "You know what?  I'll know for sure when you really start feeling "at home" here, because you'll start calling me Sue, and I will fall off of my chair for sure!"


17
My MIL has always been a terrible gift-giver.  Your present from her really depends on your status in her 'book'.  I've gotten gifts ranging from good to well, nothing. 

We received a package today from the home shopping network from MIL.  It's one of those banana based frozen treat makers.  Now, here's the thing, DD can't eat bananas due to bathroom troubles.  I've explained ths to MIL before.  Ive even told her that there is sometimes blood when DD wipes.  So it's not capriciousness on my part.

I'm trying not to look at this as a deliberate thumbing of her nose at us because we're not going to the IL's for Christmas (it's not their turn).  But it really feels that way.

So, my question, can I refuse this gift based on DD's health?

Scoop
18
Sadmom - I'm sorry your DS is such an idiot.  Seriously, he has a townhouse for less than half the rent of an apartment.  All he has to do is pay $425 per month.  Even if that is a week's worth of wages, it's still easier to swing than $900 a month!

I have to say, I hope that GF realizes how terrible he is with money and doesn't end up married to him.  Putting her on your phone plan is DEFINITELY a bad idea.  If she leaves him, you'll be stuck having to deal with that too.

Now, if you evict DS and GF, what happens to YDS?  Is he out of a place too?  (Although, I don't really understand why HE isn't paying rent too.)

Will you be able to rent out the townhouse once they're gone?  Make sure you rent it for enough money to cover any losses and any cleaning up after they leave.

I don't think you should be sad, I think you should be OUTRAGED at your son.  He's definitely looking a gift horse in the mouth.  Speaking of which, tell me you didn't buy him a Christmas gift!

Scoop
19
Peachykeen - I had wanted to reply to your post earlier, but I didn't get a chance and then too much time had passed.

BUT - I really want to reply to you now.

First off - stop sending your MIL money.  Obviously, she's not good with it.  If you want to help, then pay her bills DIRECTLY.  It's not right for 'your' money to go to extravagant gifts from MIL to ANYONE.

As for MIL's friendship with your DH's ex.  Unfortunately for you, she's allowed to be friends with whomever she wants.  And if that person is the parent of her GK's, I can see the allure even more so.  MIL's only obligation to you is to be civil.  You can be the sweetest, perfectly ripe, juiciest peach and there will always be someone who doesn't like peaches.
20
Lucy - what do you think he would say if you showed him this thread?  Would he be open to going for counseling with you? 
21
Lucylala - I have to second, third, fourth & fifth the above advice.

You are walking into a VERY, VERY difficult situation.  It would be difficult even if your FDH was on your side and a willing participant.  With him WANTING to support them, you are fighting an uphill battle and let me tell you, life is too short for that.

I would also like to point out that at this point, your FMIL has been the "second Mom" to FDH's girls and will likely NOT be very accepting of you as the new "step Mom".  Again MORE problems.

Add the disabled DD to the mix, and you've just upped the drama-factor by at least tenfold.  Because, OF COURSE, FMIL will know how to 'handle' her better than you.

This would be a deal-breaker for me.
22
JaneF - it just goes to show you that we are dealing with the same kind of people.  I completely agree with you about the idea that a little bit of compromise (or effort) would make a world of difference!

As for your grandkids, they *ARE* all your *REAL* grandkids!  I'm so glad that you're not showing favouritism and that you're so welcoming to all of the little children.

Take care of yourself JaneF and focus on these people who appreciate you!
23
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: I finally blew!
November 05, 2012, 12:18:24 PM
I agree Pooh, it doesn't do anyone any good to triangulate.  Maybe you should give DIL the book "Toxic In Laws"!  (That would be funny!)  But really, that book does say that you can't do the emoting for other people, it means they don't have to feel their own emotions and so, don't deal with them.  In the end, it would be terrible if your DIL remembers her shower because YOU were tense, instead of because of SMIL's actions.
24
NewMama - you gave the solution to your problems in your message.  If MIL can only manage to be civil to you when your DH is around, then don't be around her without him.  If she can't speak to you kindly on the phone, don't talk to her.  Invest in caller ID and let DH answer it when it's his Mom.

As for the ornament, it would be kind of you to get one for MIL.  Otherwise, DH's Mom is DH's problem.  With 2 little kids (soon), you'll have your hands too full to worry about gifts and cards for his side of the family.  He's big enough, strong enough, old enough and cute enough to figure out what his own mother wants for Christmas.  Tell him where you got it, send him the link to order one himself, but don't worry too much about doing it yourself.

I did this "pulling back" and I was AMAZED at how much *I* was maintaining DH & MIL's relationship.  Now, since I'm not putting in the work, it's sad, but neither DH nor MIL has stepped up to do the work on their relationship, and it's settled to a really low level.  Ah well, not my fault.
25
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: T-day trauma
November 02, 2012, 12:17:54 PM
Pen, what is the motivation for changing to the earlier dinner time?

Here's what I came up with:

A) because that's how you used to always do it - I don't get this for 2 reasons: first, if you usually eat dinner at 6 pm every other night of the year, why does Thanksgiving dinner have to be earlier?  Second, if a tradition doesn't work anymore, then it SHOULD be changed, I think it would send a message to DS that 'tradition' is more important than having a meal with him.

B) to spite DS and 'force his hand' - well, that's just not going to work.

C) because a later time doesn't work for other people who ARE glad to come - I think it's perfectly correct to accommodated the people who will actually enjoy your company.
26
PP - part of the problem I have with my IL's is that they're always harping on something, they don't see us enough, DH doesn't call them enough, we're leaving too soon, we don't spend enough time with them.

My Mom is just happy to see us and spends any time we have together ENJOYING being with us.

I think this combines well with what Luise says.  Leave the past in the past (especially because he apologized) and enjoy your time with him.

As for your script, I believe you should also be ready for anything, practice it if you have to!

- I'm sorry, we don't have any money to give you, times are tough all the way around, we have to consider our retirement, or else we'll end up living with you!  Ha-ha.

- Please change your tone.  Or, I won't believe you when you eventually apologize, because part of an apology is the intention to NOT make the same mistakes again.

- I will NOT be spoken to in that way, we're leaving.  (But you have to follow through!)

+ We're so glad to see you!  We've missed you so much!
+ You're looking good.
+ Tell us about this new job, it sounds interesting.
27
Begonia - our library will let you "borrow" books on tape,  you should check yours out.  Do you have an ipod? Maybe you can download a book for the trip?  We even have an adapter that will play our ipod music over the car radio - it could be your gift to yourself.

Five hours in the car is a long time, but it's long enough to listen to a book AND belt out some good tunes!

Is it stressful at your sister's?  Could you spend another day there?

I just really want you to be in a place (even a head space) where if your phone rings or not, it doesn't impact you.
28
 Hugs to you Begonia!

Okay, you need a PLAN, so that you're not foundering over 'maybes'.

Plan A - FUN-FUN-FUN  Go to your sister's and enjoy yourself as much as possible.  Really let your hair down.  But make sure you get yourself  a new CD or book on tape to listen to in the car.   The CD should be something that you can sing along to at a LOUD volume - showtunes, AC:DC, whatever floats your boat - BELT IT OUT.  If you can get a copy of the book "Let's pretend this never happened" by Jenny something or other who blogs as The Bloggess - she's HILARIOUS.  You'll be laughing your head off.  Throughout all of this, when you think of your kids, you'll have to say "too bad so sad FOR THEM, they're missing all of this and ME".  Personally, I would be thinking RUDER words, but Luise doesn't like to hear us talk like that. ;)

Plan B - RELAXATION  Prepare yourself for a day of pampering and relaxation.  Unplug your phone, turn off your cell, cover your computer.  The only TV that's acceptable would be yoga DVD's or similar, or having the "spa music" or "nature music" channel on from the satellite TV music channels.  Prepare yourself some spa water and light but delicious meals (and gloat that everyone else is probable feeling STUFFED).  Take a detox bath with epsom salts.  Do your finger and toe nails.  Do a mud facial.  Do a hair nourishing mask.  Slather on some thick and wonderful smelling lotion.  Listen to or read a calm book that nourishes your soul (sorry, I have no recommendations).  Take a nap.  Do some light exercise, go for a nature walk or do some stretches.  Your mentality that day, will be that you are taking care of YOURSELF, mind, body and soul.  If you have negative thoughts, you have to (and I don't care if it sounds silly, but you HAVE to) put them in a bubble and blow them away.  Seriously, make a shape of a bubble with your hands, mentally put the thought in there and actually BLOW it away.  Surround yourself and your space with white light.

Plan C - WORK  For this you're going to banish all thoughts of everything else, because you've got TOO MUCH to do.  Put your gardens to bed for the winter.  Clean the garage.  Clean out the storage area.  Organize your books.  Organize your Christmas decorations.  Do you know someone who needs help?  Help them.  Help at the free dinner or the shelter.   Do your Christmas baking.  Bake some extra for the people at the shelter.  (A friend of mine once brought a beautifully decorated sheet cake to the shelter on Christmas Eve and they were SO appreciative.)  In fact, you can make it a whole birthday month plan that you're planning on helping 60 people for your 60th birthday!

Anyone else have any other ideas?
29
Doe, for turkey on toast, it's just buttered toast, with shredded turkey in a single layer on it, salt & pepper.  It's not fancy, but in my family, that is the usual breakfast after a turkey dinner.  Personally, I'm convinced it's because we were just so pleased to have ACTUAL butter.

For many years, when I requested turkey on toast for breakfast at the IL's (it was no extra work for them, the leftover turkey was already out), they would NOT accept the fact that I ate it just like that.  It was always "are you sure you don't want mustard?"  .... "well, what about mayonnaise?"  This happened time and again, for many, many years.  To me, it was an indication that my MIL never bothered to learn what I liked.  So this was the first time, in 15 years, that my MIL made something (okay, saved some turkey) that was just because she knew I liked it.  And I have to say that I was impressed.
30
She DID get her pie and was VERY happy with it!

MIL was SUPER stressed because her pies cracked.  I thought all pumpkin pies cracked when they cooled?  I told her that NOT ONE of the people coming to dinner was going to say "I'm not eating THAT" because we all love pumpkin pie SO MUCH.  DH suggested she cover it with whipped cream and we joked that whipped cream was the caulking of the baking world and we all laughed.  She was still weird about it though.