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Hi, I'm new here and new to being a MIL. I have 4 kids, been a single parent for 19 years and last May my oldest got married to a women he'd met online 3 years earlier. The relationship between my DIL was bad from the beginning (as in 3years ago). She seemed to come with a predisposition to hate MILs. She is young and uses Facebook in a way that bothered me. She'd say unpleasant things about employers, coworkers, then about me all the time. My DS finally got her to stop but she just made it more secretive as in she'd still say the same things but not attach a name to it. She considers that fine and still does it today. She is needy and is never at fault. I am forever apologizing but then I'm in trouble for not having apologized for the right thing. I went to their wedding (a long ways away at huge expense) because my son really wanted me there. It was obvious I wasn't welcome by her side at all. It was horrible and I was completely ostracized. The wedding was also on the same weekend as my daughter's prom and I had to fly home immediately to make it for her event (she hadn't been invited to the wedding as DIL refuses to have anything to do with her) and being her prom wasn't of a mind to go either. He/they also refuse my wedding gift of ($400) as it wasn't supposedly meant for both of them. 
This was 7 months ago. And things have gone downhill since then. My son was a loner in high school and university, he had good friends but no girlfriends and his first is the one he married. He was afraid he missed the relationship boat and grabbed on and slipped in under the wire. The thing is - he's happy. That's what I want for him. He feels he's in the middle and has to choose between his wife and mother even though I try to reassure him that's not true.
Yet I am soooo tired of being in the wrong. The one at fault. Who did it wrong. Who has to apologize to make it all right. I have been doing everything I can to make things right. To be able to see them. She won't come to the house, refused to actually meet me until the meeting was forced by the wedding itself (!!!) even though I asked and invited her to lunch, tea, restaurant, etc on her many visits here over the 3 years until I was blue in the face.
Then about 10 weeks ago they asked if I wanted to do coffee every two weeks at a neutral place in an effort for her and I to get to know each other. I jumped at it. Do you see where this is going? The meeting was a disaster. I left almost in tears. My son contacted me later asking why I'd treated his sweet wife so badly. I was floored. She wouldn't look me in the eye, played on her cellphone. Wouldn't speak unless he spoke to her and never answered a question unless she could give a yes no answer. I tried to explain and he said he'd talk to her. We did a second coffee meeting and it was sooo much better I was feeling great about the future. Then they went away for their delayed honeymoon and when the coffee time was supposed to come around I never heard from him. Sure, my fault too. I have 3 kids at home, my own business and was in the middle of trying to finish house renos - and I didn't contact him. They live an hour away and come into town a lot and figured he'd call me when they would be coming. He contacted me about a financial matter and that's when I realized they were in town but had not planned on coffee. I asked him about it. He said that they needed more interest on my part and that they figured as I hadn't contacted them all week I wasn't interested.
At no time did they consider that they should call me for coffee as they were in town and it was great timing. And of course things have been sliding downhill. Coffee was supposed to be today. It's not happening. I DID contact him when they got home from Christmas at her place to make sure they were fine, and did contact him this week about coffee. But got a very distressing email from him last night about how he feels in the middle and that until I apologize for comments I made a long time ago (if I made them - I might have but I pride myself on being nice and not mean) and welcome her into the family (something I apparently didn't do properly) then the relationships can't move forward.
He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. It's like htey have a big checklist that they know about but I don't so I can't follow through on anything thus I fail at everything every time.
I cried myself to sleep.
I feel so many things. Confused. Abandoned. Betrayed. Lost. Alone. But I did wake up with a modicum of peace. I found your website last night and realized I wasn't alone. I might not have been a perfect parent but I showed up for that job and did my best for 28 years of his life. I just wish I knew what to do now. Inside I think I have to walk away. How do I make my feet do that when my heart is tearing in two?
Sorry this ended up horribly long. Suggestions? Help? Am I in the wrong - if so please help me to be in the right. I'm so lost and can't find a footing in this reality of parenthood.
This was 7 months ago. And things have gone downhill since then. My son was a loner in high school and university, he had good friends but no girlfriends and his first is the one he married. He was afraid he missed the relationship boat and grabbed on and slipped in under the wire. The thing is - he's happy. That's what I want for him. He feels he's in the middle and has to choose between his wife and mother even though I try to reassure him that's not true.
Yet I am soooo tired of being in the wrong. The one at fault. Who did it wrong. Who has to apologize to make it all right. I have been doing everything I can to make things right. To be able to see them. She won't come to the house, refused to actually meet me until the meeting was forced by the wedding itself (!!!) even though I asked and invited her to lunch, tea, restaurant, etc on her many visits here over the 3 years until I was blue in the face.
Then about 10 weeks ago they asked if I wanted to do coffee every two weeks at a neutral place in an effort for her and I to get to know each other. I jumped at it. Do you see where this is going? The meeting was a disaster. I left almost in tears. My son contacted me later asking why I'd treated his sweet wife so badly. I was floored. She wouldn't look me in the eye, played on her cellphone. Wouldn't speak unless he spoke to her and never answered a question unless she could give a yes no answer. I tried to explain and he said he'd talk to her. We did a second coffee meeting and it was sooo much better I was feeling great about the future. Then they went away for their delayed honeymoon and when the coffee time was supposed to come around I never heard from him. Sure, my fault too. I have 3 kids at home, my own business and was in the middle of trying to finish house renos - and I didn't contact him. They live an hour away and come into town a lot and figured he'd call me when they would be coming. He contacted me about a financial matter and that's when I realized they were in town but had not planned on coffee. I asked him about it. He said that they needed more interest on my part and that they figured as I hadn't contacted them all week I wasn't interested.
At no time did they consider that they should call me for coffee as they were in town and it was great timing. And of course things have been sliding downhill. Coffee was supposed to be today. It's not happening. I DID contact him when they got home from Christmas at her place to make sure they were fine, and did contact him this week about coffee. But got a very distressing email from him last night about how he feels in the middle and that until I apologize for comments I made a long time ago (if I made them - I might have but I pride myself on being nice and not mean) and welcome her into the family (something I apparently didn't do properly) then the relationships can't move forward.
He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. It's like htey have a big checklist that they know about but I don't so I can't follow through on anything thus I fail at everything every time.
I cried myself to sleep.
I feel so many things. Confused. Abandoned. Betrayed. Lost. Alone. But I did wake up with a modicum of peace. I found your website last night and realized I wasn't alone. I might not have been a perfect parent but I showed up for that job and did my best for 28 years of his life. I just wish I knew what to do now. Inside I think I have to walk away. How do I make my feet do that when my heart is tearing in two?Sorry this ended up horribly long. Suggestions? Help? Am I in the wrong - if so please help me to be in the right. I'm so lost and can't find a footing in this reality of parenthood.