Hi Ladies,
I haven't posted in a looooooong time, but i hope some of you still remember me! Things have been going pretty well, and I've still been reading and learning from all the posts here (and applying a lot of what I have learned from all of you to my own relationship with my in-laws).
Well, I've got another question for you and would appreciate your thoughts:
Do you have an opinion whether or not your DIL takes your family name or if she keeps her maiden name? What does it mean to you if she does/doesn't?
Thanks!
Quote from: isitme? on May 06, 2010, 06:31:43 AM
Hi Ladies,
I haven't posted in a looooooong time, but i hope some of you still remember me! Things have been going pretty well, and I've still been reading and learning from all the posts here (and applying a lot of what I have learned from all of you to my own relationship with my in-laws).
Well, I've got another question for you and would appreciate your thoughts:
Do you have an opinion whether or not your DIL takes your family name or if she keeps her maiden name? What does it mean to you if she does/doesn't?
Thanks!
Hello, how are you, I have missed you! ;D
I have no opinion, I believe it should be between the couple who are getting married, whatever they decide....
It's ok by me if she doesn't....again, to each his own....however, my culture, in my day, wouldn't have agreed to it...it's culture actually and what you were raised to believe...but my own personal belief is, it's they're business and what they feel most comfortable with...
Hello is it me,
I took on my dh's name after we married but it's a trend to keep your maiden name this days. Some ladies keep their maiden name for professional reasons (doctor and such) and others do it for independent reasons (divorce and such). For me, it was an honor to take on my dh's name. Plus, I desired to have the same last name when we began to have children. Less confusing and I'm more traditional in that area. My dh and my in laws were neutral in the subject so it was truly up to me. I'd rather have a wonderful dil come into the family verses being concerned about her personal decision with keeping the maiden name or not. Have a great day! :)
When I married I couldn't wait to change my name to my DH last name, but I worked at a very large company. We had offices all over the US & International and I dealt with everyone everyday. We had a directory in which you would put people's name in and it would pull up their email address & phone number. So you were usually know by your full name.
I knew from when other women had gotten married and then asked HR to change their name they got lost in the system, their emails got messed up. It was horrible. We lived & died by our email - since that is how we kept in touch with a lot of our customer base and our own internal groups.
We got married in January and I didn't officially change my name at work until at least 9 months later.
One of the driving forces for me to change it was because I was pregnant and my file at the doctor's office had my maiden name on it and they told me when I delivered I would be know as maiden name and baby would be know as maiden name baby. I felt like this would be disrepectful to my DH, so this is when I officially changed my name.
I did get some flack from my MIL and DH actually told her that the reason I waited to change it was because of my job and not because I didn't want to be know by their last name.
So sometimes it might be worked related, sometimes it might be a new trend and sometimes it might be that people don't like change. I mean I know some people who feel like their entire indentity is around their name, so they don't want to change or they resist it.
My DIL started signing with our last name before the marriage, and frankly I thought it was weird but kind of cute. After the wedding I noticed some of her communications had her maiden name, some had our name, some were hyphenated. I think she's still working it out. Since she doesn't think much of us I doubt she'll want to use our name, but you never know. It doesn't bother me one way or the other except that we don't want to offend her by innocently using the wrong name.
I didn't want to use my dad's name since our relationship is strained, but I didn't want to completely ignore my family history either. Luckily for me, I wasn't given a middle name as a child so I took my maiden name as a middle name and use my DH's last name as my last name too.
Oh, and welcome back, Isitme! We missed you. I'm so glad to hear things are going well. Love you!
Thanks ladies - It's nice to know I can still check in with all of you when I have questions (I'm always reading to find out how everyone is doing - and to learn, but don't post so much anymore).
Long story short, I am not changing my name - mostly for professional reasons, but like many have said, it also is not that uncommon for women to keep their maiden names these days. Well the in-laws are REALLY not happy about this. DH got yelled at for 40 minutes about this yesterday when they found out (we were legally married yesterday). I have not yet talked to them but I dont' want to have an extended discussion. I have worked hard at getting along with them these past few months and it was working. But I fear that might be at an end now.....
Congratulations and best wishes! I'm sorry your ILs are so rigid...their loss, really, but I know it makes life difficult and sad for you and DH. (Hey, it's DH now instead of FDH....and there were days when you thought the day would never come!)
Quote from: isitme? on May 06, 2010, 08:51:38 AM
Thanks ladies - It's nice to know I can still check in with all of you when I have questions (I'm always reading to find out how everyone is doing - and to learn, but don't post so much anymore).
Long story short, I am not changing my name - mostly for professional reasons, but like many have said, it also is not that uncommon for women to keep their maiden names these days. Well the in-laws are REALLY not happy about this. DH got yelled at for 40 minutes about this yesterday when they found out (we were legally married yesterday). I have not yet talked to them but I dont' want to have an extended discussion. I have worked hard at getting along with them these past few months and it was working. But I fear that might be at an end now.....
OMG, congratulations!!!!!! I'm so happy for you!!!!!!
Don't worry, and I know it's easier said then done...however, isitme...you have gone the distance trying so hard to get along with them...above and beyond...give them time, and hopefully they will come around...it seems as if you do anything beyond they're comprehention, they are going to get upset....but you can't walk on egg shells just to gain they're approval....that would drive you nuts....I hope you can realize, your doing all that can be done...and what you did isn't out of the ordinary...so just try and be happy in ynew life and don't allow them to pull you down to they're unhappiness....
big hugs and thank you for sharing the good news....whooo hoooo!!!!!
Thanks ladies!!!!!!!
I feel a lot better. I know we might be in for some rough times over this issue but DH (still have to get used to that - yay! ;D) agrees with me and has promised to try and handle things. I will certainly keep you all posted and will do my best to do justice to all the great advice I've gotten from all of you. :)
Quote from: cremebrulee on May 06, 2010, 09:23:34 AM
...it seems as if you do anything beyond they're comprehention, they are going to get upset....but you can't walk on egg shells just to gain they're approval....t
Creme, this is it EXACTLY. If it's not what they want and they cant' control it, they get upset. And upset means UPSET - constant phone calls, crying, yelling, lecturing, getting other family members to call, snarky comments... I have figured out that DH has sought their approval his whole life and has never gotten it. I see him try so hard now to make his mom happy..... but until she can be happy with herself, there's nothing we can do I think.. well, I'm going to do my best to handle this as best I can. :-\
Quote from: isitme? on May 06, 2010, 09:59:06 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on May 06, 2010, 09:23:34 AM
...it seems as if you do anything beyond they're comprehention, they are going to get upset....but you can't walk on egg shells just to gain they're approval....t
Creme, this is it EXACTLY. If it's not what they want and they cant' control it, they get upset. And upset means UPSET - constant phone calls, crying, yelling, lecturing, getting other family members to call, snarky comments... I have figured out that DH has sought their approval his whole life and has never gotten it. I see him try so hard now to make his mom happy..... but until she can be happy with herself, there's nothing we can do I think.. well, I'm going to do my best to handle this as best I can. :-\
Good God girl????? I am shocked! please know that your husband is not responsible for his mom's happiness....only she can do that...no one else can make her happy and it is very important that your hubby and you both understand that....I'm wondering, if this is how she got her way for all these years, now a whole new culture has come into her life and she thinks upset the apple cart....welll, she isn't going to get her way any more....and that's life I'm afraid, we can't always have what we want. If she was smart, she'd knuckle under and zip it realizing she had one of the best DIL's she could have....God bless you both...get as far away from her as you can...and the phone calls, don't answer them....what a way to start a marriage, how dare she?
well fortunately we're moving soon...
Even though we both know it's up to MIL to find her own happiness, it makes me sad to see how much DH tries because he loves her and how bad she makes him feel sometimes. I know she loves him (and I think her recent "tolerance" of me has been because she doesn't want to lose her relationship with her son - not because she suddenly realized she like me..) but both his parents seem to have a HUGE problem separating the concept of love with the concept of control. And of course they are going to blame me.... now that's he's married, he's SUDDENLY changed and now I control him instead of them. The truth is, NO ONE control DH - he is his own man. But he has kept quiet all these years to avoid a fight but it hasn't led to anything healthy :-\
I'm so glad I can talk to all of you here about this. I guess it's still a new situation so let's see what happens over the next few days...weeks....months... years? Apparently this was an issue with their other DIL as well - and it got so unpleasant that after a year she caved and changed her name. And I think she might be bitter and resentful and jump on the bandwagon to try to get me to change my name as well. Sorry, it just isn't going to happen. I'm not trying to be petty or mean about it - but professionally it would be a very bad move and personally I had just never planned on changing my name. I feel bad though because it really seemed like things were starting to get better.... but as I said earlier, I suspect it might start to go downhill again. Thankfully this time I have some of you wise ladies, and your wise words to help deal with it :-\
Isitme, I know this sounds rude, but there is a huge similarity between how dogs learn and how people learn. If you know anything about training dogs, you'll see it right away.
Just like a dog who learns that if he begs for food LONG enough, he'll get something "just to shut him up". Your IL's have learned is that if they badger you for A WHOLE YEAR they should be able to get you to cave, because your SIL did. Stay strong!
Also, when a new rule comes along, there's such thing as "extinction bursts", which means that just before giving up, they'll likely give one more big, HUGE push. Stay strong!
Okay, I can be a bit of a trouble maker, so I would be SO tempted to get DH tell them that he is thinking of changing HIS name! That would be so funny, especially if you both decided to change your names into some combination of your names (i.e. Smith/Wesson into With or Smesson). The goal being to shock them into realizing that whenever you open negotiations and ask for "more", once the negotiations are open, you may end up with *LESS*.
I don't know if anyone else has any ideas, but you're going to have to nip this one in the bud, because it WILL go on for over a year, they won't be giving up without heroic measures.
Quote from: Scoop on May 06, 2010, 11:07:25 AM
Okay, I can be a bit of a trouble maker, so I would be SO tempted to get DH tell them that he is thinking of changing HIS name! That would be so funny, especially if you both decided to change your names into some combination of your names (i.e. Smith/Wesson into With or Smesson). The goal being to shock them into realizing that whenever you open negotiations and ask for "more", once the negotiations are open, you may end up with *LESS*.
Thanks Scoop - I think you are absolutely right and I am determined to stay strong AND not lose my cool over this...
DH and I ALWAYS joke around about combining our names etc... given both of our lengthy and ethnic surnames, the possibilities are pretty hilarious.... sadly, MIL and FIL have ZERO sense of humor about things like that. I learned the hard way.. no joking around because they will misread EVERYTHING and take it in the worst way possible.
Oh well - the cat might get the combined name... or maybe hyphenated. No way we will share that fact with the in-laws though. MIL HATES cats.... surprised anyone? :o
Quote from: Scoop on May 06, 2010, 11:07:25 AM
I don't know if anyone else has any ideas, but you're going to have to nip this one in the bud, because it WILL go on for over a year, they won't be giving up without heroic measures.
Hmm... DOES anyone have any ideas? DH's first words to me after this happened was "we need to come up with a game plan" but I honestly don't know what to do besides stay strong, tell them DH and I have discussed this and made our decision. DH wants me to let him deal with it so he can go through ALL the different reasons we both feel I shouldn't change my name. He is free to do as he likes but I think this will accomplish absolutely zero.
thoughts anyone?
I think you have to "begin as you mean to go on", so you can't do the JADE-ing thing. Do you know that one? It stands for Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain. You don't have to give them any reasons for your choice. It's YOUR choice and the only person who has any input is DH, because he's your partner now.
As a first attempt, you and DH should kindly tell them that it has nothing to do with them, it's not a rejection of them, that this is the decision that you have come to and you would like to drop it now, please.
Then I think you're going to have to give them consequences, and if they bring it up, you/DH will hang up, or leave. And you have to do it, every single time, even if there's food on a plate in front of you at a restaurant/family gathering. You/DH should calmly say, "That is not open for discussion. We'll be leaving now."
In fact, you should PLAN on it happening at least a few times. So if you're going to a restaurant, have some cash to put on the table to pay for your meal, so that you don't delay your exit. As you drive to their house / the family gathering renew your commitment to walking out if it gets brought up. Have a code word, so that if MIL gets you alone and rags on you, you can find DH, say "blue armadilloes" and you'll both walk out, immediately. Trust that it will get worse before it gets better.
And if it continues, then you'll have to visit them less and less. I'm not talking cut off, I'm talking about taking a break between visits / calls. DH can even tell them "I was very upset that you continue to bring up the fact that you want Isitme to change her name and I needed some time away from you."
Good luck - I think you're going to need it.
Thanks, scoop - sadly I think you might be right about many things.
Yes the JADE thing was something I was thinking about and am trying to get DH to understand. I think I might re-read my "Emotional Blackmail" book and pass it on to DH as well.
Quote from: Scoop on May 06, 2010, 11:07:25 AM
Isitme, I know this sounds rude, but there is a huge similarity between how dogs learn and how people learn. If you know anything about training dogs, you'll see it right away.
Just like a dog who learns that if he begs for food LONG enough, he'll get something "just to shut him up". Your IL's have learned is that if they badger you for A WHOLE YEAR they should be able to get you to cave, because your SIL did. Stay strong!
Also, when a new rule comes along, there's such thing as "extinction bursts", which means that just before giving up, they'll likely give one more big, HUGE push. Stay strong!
Okay, I can be a bit of a trouble maker, so I would be SO tempted to get DH tell them that he is thinking of changing HIS name! That would be so funny, especially if you both decided to change your names into some combination of your names (i.e. Smith/Wesson into With or Smesson). The goal being to shock them into realizing that whenever you open negotiations and ask for "more", once the negotiations are open, you may end up with *LESS*.
I don't know if anyone else has any ideas, but you're going to have to nip this one in the bud, because it WILL go on for over a year, they won't be giving up without heroic measures.
Scoop,i might be looking at this the wrong way,but how i perceive the way you handle communication to resolve an issue is very immature.Being open and honest is the only way to have a healthy relationship.
To try and provoke a shock to teach them a lesson,is a very poor form of communication.
The purpose of this to me,is game playing,and a power play.......not communicating.
If you tell DH things like this,and how to handle it this way,this is changing his perspective of his parents.
This kind of mind set,is what cause's communication problems,creates distance and a lot of the problems we MIL"s have.
Sorry but this is my perception.
Does any one else,see it this way or is it just me?
Hi Mominwaiting....yanno, years ago, my aunt said the same thing, she trained dogs, and was exceptional at it, however, when she referred training dogs to training people and kids, our entire family got upset with her, however, I remember thinking about it, and thought it might be a good idea....
In this case, we must think about why are his parents acting like this, we know that people do things for not one reason but many, in this case, fist and foremost, to get they're way...but are they confrontational people looking to bring people down...to make them feel bad about themselves...
My aunt used to say, if you want a kid to listen, you never threaten with a punishment you can't go thru with, and you never go back on a punishment...and if you don't want them to do something once, you don't say no, and let them do it later...you have to continue with a consistent form of discipline, and that is what I did with my son. By the time they're 5, they become who they're going to be for the rest of they're lives, so, it is very important to discipline early and I did...
Mominwaiting...my own maternal mother is very dysfunctional....she is confrontational and hates people...no one is any good...so, when I go to visit her, if she starts putting me down or yelling at me, I leave...I did this two or three times...I don't say a word, b/c if you start to try to reason with her....she turns it back on you and blames you, meaning you in general for the upset....and she then starts to argue worse, she gets to the point where she'd hit you...so, I thought about this and figured, ok, if she starts I'll just get up and leave...so I did this 3 times, and the 4th time I went to visit her, each time went longer before I went back, she behaved, b/c she knew if she didn't I'd leave...and it works...if she wants me there she didn't sound off....
I'm not saying yours wrong, however, we should also take into consideration that there are people who you cannot communicate with b/c they love to argue...it's all they know and these people may be the same way,no matter what you say, they'll come back with something which isn't logical and continue to argue, fight and yell....I don't know which way is best...in this case...but I do know my mother and she is a mess...it's the only way I can retain some kind of normalcy when I visit her...she is so bad, she has no friends...and I feel very sorry for her....?
What do you think?
Creme that is very sad about your Mom,I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
When my OS and DIL got married,she kept her name,plus his.They explained why,i undestood had no problem with it,if thats what they wanted.If they wouldn't of explained,i could of made all kinds of assumptions.That could of cause doubts about DIL.I know another Mom,who has these doubts about her DIL,she was never given an explanation about it.It's getting a lot more common,and some people have still never heard of any one doing this.
Creme,i also understand some people you cant talk to,they just want to argue.There is no discussing any thing,they only see what they want.
Mominwaiting, I understand your point about explaining things - it seems like you wanted to know their explanations and then when you heard them, you accepted them. What if this is not the case? what if your in-laws/parents refuse to consider any of your explanations - or don't even really listen to them in the first place and just keep talking over you, telling you that your are wrong/bad/not normal because you dont' do EXACTLY what they want you to do? Should we allow it to escalate into a fight? I'd like to avoid this. I think the whole thing about avoiding JADE-ing (Justify, argue,defend, explain) is that you do this when dealing with UNREASONABLE people who won't listen to you or respect your opinion no matter what. Then it just becomes a battle that no one can win. You cannot reason with unreasonable people and unfortunatly it seems like many of us driven to this website (both MILs and DILs) are dealing with someone unreasonable...
isitme,oh believe me,do i know people like that!
Sorry,i guess i just didn't understand what Scoop was dealing with........it's a nightmare trying to talk.
Sorry scoop...... :-[
I'm at work and have limited time to read all the great replies, so if someone has already thought of this tactic, forgive me:
Why the *bleep* does your MIL have to know what name you'll be using? Is she likely to read professional papers or see checks or other legal docs that show your maiden name? Let her think you've seen the light and are marching in step, but keep your own name if you choose. I have no idea what name my DIL is using, since I never see anything official that has her name on it!
If DH must write a check to her from your joint account, you can always say,"Oh we didn't want to spend the money on new checks when we already had all these from before" or some vague lame excuse. If she's going to be unreasonable you're kind of forced to fudge the truth, but she's kind of asking for it.
Best wishes, again; try to focus on the joy and not the difficulties.
good point pen.
Well, DH and I always knew this was going to be a point of contention. But I guess he was hoping they wouldn't figure it out for a while... but he called them last night after we were legally married and I guess that was the very first thing his father asked him "Did isitme change her name?" and he couldn't think how to dodge the question so he was just honest. Wow, if your son got married (even if it was just the legal ceremony and the actual wedding was a month away)...wouldn't you at the VERY least want to slip in a "congratulations" or something? DH is such a wonderful man and all I want is for him to be happy. I wish his parents could feel the same way but I don't think they know how :(
isitme..........congratulations! :)
You would think they would say that,maybe they are waiting till the wedding.
My OS and BIL are very overbearing,narrow minded,nosy,controlling,was not happy when my niece was getting married.But they have cooled their jets,and now things are fine between them.
I would always be honest with them,if they keep pressing you for info you are not confortable with sharing.Tell them that.
My son just told me on his own about DIL keeping her name,and why.I see no big deal about it.
Your game plan, in my view should be that it's not their business period end of discussion.
Isitme it really isn't their business, it's between you and your husband, he understands and that is all that really matters. It isn't their place to yell at your husband for 40 minutes in regard to anything, would they yell at a good friend for 40 minutes? Is he deserving of any less respect or courtesy as an adult? My son is a teen and I wouldn't yell at him for 40 minutes, I may get a little heated with him but I certainly respect the fact he is more or less and adult now and I afford him the same courtesy I would any other adult else close to me including my husband, albeit with a little more final control seeing as he is by law a minor at this stage.
It's hard to transition from the child/adult relationship with ones parents, but there comes a time that you realize your parents while close to you, do not have the right to treat you badly just because they are your parents. As a married adult your husband has the right to say, "actually Mom and Dad, this is a decision we made together and it's none of your business" then walk away.
Quote from: Postscript on May 06, 2010, 07:18:17 PM
would they yell at a good friend for 40 minutes?
You know I think they actually might be capable of doing this :o
I have been hearing about how DH's cousin's wife didn't change her name and they still carp about it.. if it wasn't this, it would be something else. I guess I'm just disappointed because we were starting to have a more friendly relationship and I was always kind of wondering how long it would last before they got mad about something else.... turns out, about 2.5 months...
Ok so these folk have a pretty warped view of communication :o
I honestly think all your husband can do it stop them cold and refuse to engage in explaining himself when they go off like this. You teach people how to treat you. Clearly these are unreasonable people and they won't consider any course but their own. I don't engage unreasonable people, there comes a point where you realize that no matter what you say they are going to stick to their view.
Many years ago I had a problem with a co worker, she was responsible for rostering. She rostered me for a duty I swapped with someone else (we were allowed to do that) roster lady came to me and asked to swap her duty for mine. I explained that I had already swapped with someone else and no longer had the duty. Roster lady went into the roster and rostered me her duty and herself mine, by then it was the day before the duty and the roster had been finalized the week before. I was furious, I went to a team leader and explained the situation, team leader thought we should have a mediation meeting. During the meeting I outlined to roster lady that she had in effect misused her power to get what she wanted and it was unethical, talk about a brick wall! No way could she understand that by altering the finalized roster, inconveniencing two people to make it reflect what she wanted it to, was morally wrong for one and completely undermined our trust. Her final words before I walked away were, I didn't realize you hated X duty so much. And I did walk away, I told the team leader there was no point in further discussion with someone who was so morally bankrupt that they couldn't see what they had done.
Roster Lady became a victim for a while, I hated her blah blah blah, she'd tell the story and imply it was all because I hated x duty so much but people just looked at her like she was crazy. Roster lady never messed with my duties again though.
I don't really care one way or the other.
I kept my maiden name. My ILs know this. They have never said anything to me, but they never address anything to me with the correct name or title. But there have been plenty of other occasions where they have complained to me. And at first I tried to accomodate, or to JADE. Then I realized that it didn't matter what I did. If they weren't getting their way, then they weren't happy and no amount of apologies or explanations or concessions were going to change it. So I stopped. And it's amazing what you learn to just tune out. And I learned that "No, thank you" is a complete sentence.
Wow Clover that's kind of passive aggressive of them. It seems you have a good solution that kind of aligns with my walk away theory.
Mominwaiting - No worries!
My initial comment was definitely on the cheeky side (you say immature, I say cheeky). But rest assured that it was in consideration of how impossible it is to have a rational conversation with people who think nothing of yelling at another adult for 40 minutes.
Scoop
PS - maybe that's how it's conjugated:
*I* am cheeky
*You* are immature
*They* are jerks
Quote from: Postscript on May 06, 2010, 07:50:32 PM
Ok so these folk have a pretty warped view of communication :o
I honestly think all your husband can do it stop them cold and refuse to engage in explaining himself when they go off like this. You teach people how to treat you. Clearly these are unreasonable people and they won't consider any course but their own. I don't engage unreasonable people, there comes a point where you realize that no matter what you say they are going to stick to their view.
Yes, I think they do.. I've noticed a lot of "secondary" communication in this family... mom tells brother to call other brother and tell him that she is upset with DIL... Dad gets on phone to tell son that mom is mad - etc. etc.
I agree with the idea that you have to try not to engage with people who are unreasonable. DH and I had a discussion last night and he said I should just defer all comments about it to him and let him handle it. I think he wants to spare me from the unpleasantness. However, I think HE is uncomfortable with the idea of shutting down the discussion with his parents when they bring it up (i.e. hanging up the phone, leaving the house if they bring it up, as someone suggested). He feels they have a right to express their opinion and he should hear them out, even if he doesn't agree or go along with it. While I agree that parents SHOULD be allowed to express their opinion (all family members should) and deserve to be heard, I do NOT agree that this holds across the board. If someone cannot be respectful, or accept someone's different opinion, or becomes verbally abusive etc. etc.. I think that changes things. It should also not be a topic that should be brought up again and again and again until the other person caves..
This is really a shame. I was getting to the point where I was comfortable talking to the in-laws, but now I feel that same kind of dread about them that I used to.
Aroo? I think that his parents *have* expressed their opinion. What is the purpose of them expressing it, again and again, in a rude, infantilizing way, other than to be bullies?
Seriously, get your DH to answer that.
I'm trying to think of any other situation where it's okay to express your continued disapproval of something another adult is doing, that isn't breaking a law or hurting anyone.
Uuhh...when my DIL criticizes, in various combinations, where I live, what I do, my financial status, who my friends are, what I wear, how I do my nails & hair, how I cook, how I raised my children, how I decorate my house, my housekeeping skills, what car I drive, our traditions, etc. every time we see her?
DILs can be brutal towards MILs at times - it hurts us too, you know. The only difference is, and I know I'm repeating myself here, we put up with it to see DS. DILs can pull the "cut-off card" and walk away without losing a child.
Pen, we're talking about the same kind of people here. The title doesn't matter when people are rotten.
I do get your point though, about DIL having the power. It's true. And it's not fair.
I'm always preaching to change the way you look at things. I'd like to show you an example. My SisIL (married to my brother) is in the running with yours and Anna's DILs. Luckily, my Mom (the heart of our family) is VERY easy going. My Dad and myself, not so much. So we have clashed with my SIL in the past, with my Mom and brother mediating. Although, at one point my Mom did tell my Dad that if his behaviour caused SIL to cut them off, she was leaving him. So my Dad and I tried to look at it a different way. We made it a game. Because we knew that SIL disliked us as much as we disliked her. To us, being polite and eating her cruddy words, meant that she had no reason to cut us off, and would just force her to spend MORE time with US. And yes, it was worth it to "take it" from her, because then we could inflict ourselves on her (and see my brother and niece and nephew).
And really, it doesn't matter what your DIL thinks of you. From the way you've described her, I would take her disapproval as a compliment. When an axe murderer tells you you're dysfunctional, you should do a little happy dance!
I really do feel badly for your situation Pen.
I think you need a "pat phrase" to pull out when DIL starts on you .... "Well then, aren't you glad you ... don't have to live there? ... don't have to work there? ... don't have to look at my nails & hair every day? ...... aren't friends with my friends? ...... drive that kind of car? ... ect" Without being rude or snotty - just stating the fact. And then change the subject. The best way is to ask a question, because then they have to talk, they can't just sit and *think* of more nasty things to say.
Here's how I spell Scoop..S-p-u-n-k! :D
Is that Ms. Spunk or Mrs. ? ;)
Scoop, thanks for your thoughts. The input we get here is so helpful. You'll be glad to know we've already decided to be sweet and kind, and you're right - there's not much one can say in response to good treatment :) I don't even feel like I'm being phony, because I really do admire my DIL; she's pretty amazing. Even though we feel hurt by her, we do accept her different values and personality. We wish she'd reciprocate, but she's not there yet :(
Here's a phrase a friend just taught me. I think she got it from a self-help book that was all the rage a couple of years ago: "Is that so.." It's going to replace my old phrase, "Good to know," which put a judgement I may or may not feel on the topic. "Is that so.." acknowledges their opinion without agreeing that it's true. And I will have some questions on hand for re-directing the conversation (as when we're dealing with students or disabled children.) Thanks again, Scoop and all!
It is up to the person, to each their own. Me, I loved my maiden name and was not happy to see it go back then people did not keep their maiden names generally so it was unheard of where I lived to do so. It is up to each woman, the man should let her do as she chooses and so should everyone else. My dil did not take our last name and as angry as I do get with her I have to say I am glad that I am the only Mrs X and that she does not have our name.
Bettylou your post reminds me of after we got back from honeymoon...
We went to visit the ils and toward the end of the visit, Dh said Mrs X? (to me, it was novelty value back then) before I could answer my new standard phrase "yes Mr X?" My Mil said "Yes?"
Dh said, I was talking to my wife.
Mil simpered "oh hehe I'm used to being the Mrs X people are talking to"
Which is kind of weird because bils wife had been Mrs X also for over 2 years at the time.
Well, I have no concerns about what my son's wife's name is going to because they have been together for 15 years in a lifetime-committed-relationship and have never married! (That one was easy!) ;D
"Is that so?"
"Really now"
"Good to know"
These are all great and I'm going to remember them all (maybe it's good to mix it up a little bit..)
Ladies: thank you so much for helping me realize that I'm NOT being unreasonable about this name change and that it's not something abnormal or weird or unacceptable for me to do. I didn't think I was - and neither did DH, but if his parents keep on pressuring me about it, it will help to remember the things all of you have said.
MIL left me a voicemail last night asking me to call her. DH told me NOT to call and to wait until he had a chance to talk to her today and find out what was up. Urgh. It's quite possible that FIL has not yet passed on the news about my "bizarre" choice not to change my name and she was just calling to talk about wedding details. But DH wants to limit my exposure to anything nasty his parents might say to me about it so he wants to scope things out first. I appreciate his efforts to protect me (a BIG change from him throwing me to the wolves in the beginning because he didn't realize how bad things were..) but I wish we didn't have to cause this drama. I feel like this is def. a situation where the MIL and FIL are making it hard to have a relationship - and I know many of you MILs are in a situation where it is your DIL that makes it hard.... how frustrating!
Quote from: isitme? on May 08, 2010, 06:35:02 AM
MIL left me a voicemail last night asking me to call her. DH told me NOT to call and to wait until he had a chance to talk to her today and find out what was up. Urgh. It's quite possible that FIL has not yet passed on the news about my "bizarre" choice not to change my name and she was just calling to talk about wedding details. But DH wants to limit my exposure to anything nasty his parents might say to me about it so he wants to scope things out first.
Well! MIL just called again and left a message and I know DH told me to wait till HE spoke to her before I called her back, but I just felt kind of rude ignoring her (and he's at work all day and I didn't want to spend the day worrying about it..in case she kept calling back) so I just called her back....
AND!
we had a really nice long friendly chat about the wedding details and she congratulated me for the legal marriage and said welcome to the family. Possibly FIL has not yet told her about not changing the name but I've decided that if they bring it up with me, I'll just say something about how I'm not trying to disrespect their family or reject them in any way but this is what we've decided.
But this is what I've been thinking - and it's an idea I've gotten from some of the posts here. I didn't listen to DH on this one. I called and spoke to his mom before he talked to her. I didn't wait for HIM to mediate, I did what I felt was right (largely in part from the things I've learned from you wise ladies here!).. and the results were good!
I don't think this is something that will help any of you MILs with difficult DILs - because your son IS caught between the two and your DILs don't seem willing to put in any effort. But I think this is an experience that is going to help me...
Hi There, I'm so happy things turned out for you well...as I was reading your post, in the beginning, when you said you called her, I was going...Oh Noahhh, this woman is going to really yell at her...whew...I'm so relieved...isn't it funny how when sometimes we expect the worst, good happens?
I'm so happy, your husband is working with you on this...he sounds very mature and aware...I will admit, in the beginning when I first met you, there were huge doubts, due to your MIL...not you, of course...however, you never know...and your wise in thinking things through
As far as calling her...I believe hubby will understand...you were curious and did what humans do...LOL...I'm glad you called, and I'm sure hubby will understand...just b/c your married, doesn't mean you can't react on your own intuitions now and then right?
big big hugs
Creme
isitme,
Congratulations on the marriage and on the successful phone call. I wish you all the best in dealing with your ils. I like the idea of using the "is that so" responses (all three of them) and not getting swept into arguing.
Hugs, Hope
Isitme I thought of another response for your collection: I'll give that the consideration it deserves
I like "I hear you." (Doesn't necessarily mean I agree but conveys respect.
Sending love...