March 28, 2024, 02:46:18 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Lillycache

616
I've been dreading MD..  I'm certain my son will call me to say "Happy Mother's Day"   He will not send a card. He will not come over with a token gift.  What do I say to him when he calls?  I will say "thanks".  That's about it.  I will NOT say "Where the heck are you?"   I will NOT say "When are you coming over to see me?"  I will NOT make my feelings known.  Because to do so will tick him off..  Then instead of 1 month without hearing from him... it will be 2 months.  I have to ask myself... WHY do I care so much what he thinks?  My relationship with him now is superficial at best.  I don't know what's going on in his life.  I don't know how he is doing on his job, or if he ever got that promotion to store manager.  Why should I feel this hurt?  The reality is that he has become nothing more than an acquintance I hear from once in a while.  "How are you?" is not supposed to be followed by anything but "Fine".  He really doesn't want to hear about my bum knee or my high cholesterol numbers.  I don't really have anything to talk to him about.  Has anyone else just considered breaking it off?   I do sometimes.  Then I can't.
617
It's not just the Holiday or special event recognition that we miss out on.  It's the day to day interaction that the family.. particularly the mother of the DIL has.  My DIL made a point to rub it in my face that she talks to her mom daily... sometimes several times.  My son calls me ever 3-4 weeks.  These calls are superficial.  I don't hear about what the kids are doing on a day to day basis.. I might hear about a major event.. but not the things mom of DIL gets to be a part of.  Like how GS did on his spelling test, or how he hit a homer in little league.  I don't hear about my GDs tummyache  or how she sold the most cookies in Girl Scouts.  ( I'm making these things up because I have no idea what I've missed).   These are things FAMILY know about..  and I'm not family according to DIL.  My Son is oblivious to my needs and to my hurt.   If I tell him, I will only be another problem or obligation in his eyes.  Maybe he doesn't even know about all the things his MIL gets to hear about and I don't.   We are often told to accept our role and get a life.   I HAVE a life..  I have a career, I have hobbies, I have causes and interests. (I too have been an activist and marched in DC several times for women's causes)  I think I am a pretty interesting woman with a lot to offer, I have a lot  to impart on the GKs..  If only it was valued and wanted.    I have sat back and waited for it to be requested... out of concern of being seen intrusive..  Now I'm relegated to the "unimportant" list.   
618
The reality is that most of the contact I have had over the with DS and the GKs has been orchestrated by DIL.  SHE has been the social planner.  All of the Christmas gifts, birthday and Mothers Day cards and gift were the result of her, despite the fact that she has hated doing it.   NOW that she is pretty much out of the picture for me and DS is in charge of making the effort... guess what..  NO Christmas gift, no birthday card... and I am sure there will be no recognition on Mothers Day.  Perhaps a brief phone call.. but no card... no little token (like a potted petunia) Nothing.  I have no illusions about my son.  He is self centered and selfish.  So the fact remains.. without DIL, I loose out on a lot.  Of course this is not about monetary and material things... but you have to admit it's nice to know that DS would take the time to remember you with a token, no matter how small.   Most times... having a son is nothing like having a daughter.  Women are much more thoughtful and men don't see the big deal.  I know my son, and he feels that just by showing up with the kids every couple of months is all the effort he needs to make.  He thinks phoning me every 3 or 4 weeks is sufficient.  I guess I should be happy for what I have because I know many here don't even get that.. and I am... but I cannot help but feel I am usually an afterthought.  Am I making sense?  Or coming off materialistic and whiney.... which is not my intent.
619
I truely believe that DIL started out wanting a relationship with me.  We went shopping a few times and had lunch when she and DS were engaged.  She invited me to come along with her when she went to pick out a puppy after they were first married.   I thought those one on one times went well.  Apparently she didn't.  I guess I wasn't the kind of person she liked.  I wasn't the MIL of her dreams.   I was me. After a few years she stopped trying. I made the mistake of waiting to be invited as I didn't want to be a pest.  So perhaps it was my fault.  I also believe that I made the mistake of really not relating to her as another adult woman, but as I related to my son.... as my child.  BIG MISTAKE.  In my and most MILs defense... we never were MILs before, and we were in the learning process also.  It's a shame that she didn't come to me and talk about her feelings.  Instead the festered and grew way out of proportion until as I said in the other thread... the message board postings were completely exaggerated and overblown.  There apparently was nothing I did or said that wasn't offensive.   Unfortunately, I think that 12 years later...we are way past any sort of reconciliation or meeting at common ground.  I am simply not that important to her.  It is not important to her that any holidays or events include me.  It is not important to her if I see my son or Gks.  So she really isn't at all into me.   Had I read the signs early on.. it just may not be like this.
620
Quote from: Pen on May 04, 2012, 03:17:19 PM
Good post, Lilly. It's true, everything is out there forever and can be used against us.

Re: speaking up - I too hate walking on eggshells. I was always a direct, speak my mind gal; my friends can't believe I'm not letting my thoughts be known to DS/DIL. The only reason I don't speak up now is because I'm afraid of losing my relationship w/DS. How does one get over that fear?

I don't know that we ever can..  There is no stronger love and bond than that of a mother to her child.  I don't care if they are  4 or 40.  They are still our flesh and blood.  They have been the focus of our love before they were even born.  I understand.. I would die if I knew my son didn't want to see me or talk to me.   Not that he is particularly conscientious about this.  Sometimes I don't hear from him for a month.  That hurts me... but I realize he is busy with his life and his family.  I want him to put his family first.   I just wish he would care enough to check in on me to see if all is well with me.... more often..  I take what I can get.   having a son is not like having a daughter. 
621
I think many get a false sense of security while posting in message boards.  After all... these people "are my friends".  No one can know this.  This is NOT your living room.  It's the internet. Google cache is NOT your friend and what's posted will be out on the webs forever.  So it's imperative to follow basic common sense.  Be sure to tweek your details just enough to make identification more difficult.  DO NOT use your email address.... or ANY part of it as a user name.  Do not give real names of yourself, your DH or your kids. Do not post pictures of yourself or your kids.  And as my DIL did, which made me cringe, is post a picture of her HOUSE!  It was so irresponsible.   It puts her family in danger.  She cannot know for sure who is reading and what their motives are.  I think we tend to be trusting.  Especially after posting with people for so long.  We THINK we know them.  Nothing can be futher from the truth.  Everyone has the responsibilty to protect themselves and their families.
622
Quote from: Vasilisa on May 04, 2012, 10:59:19 AM
I have learned that it's best not to share personal troubles with my mother. She will always take my side, which can feel good at the time but doesn't give me needed perspective and tends to feed any animosity I may be feeling. Plus then she'll always look askance at that person. I would guess most mothers are like that. We should probably take our complaining to a mature, trusted friend, preferably one who isn't likely to have a relationship with the object of our complaints.

I think this is very wise.  I never thought there was a problem between me and her mother.  We always got along the few times we were together.  There have only been 6 or 7 times in all the years.   Dinner when our kids got engaged.  The wedding Shower... The rehersal dinner... the wedding.  one baby shower and 2 christenings. and when the third child was born.   It always seemed pretty civil to me.  At all events I was mostly around my family members and didn't interact all that much with her family.  So .. thinking back really hard... I am certain I never said anything untoward to anyone. It had to something taken completely out of context or intent, because somehow and for some reason, the well was poisoned.  This is all very helpful.
623
Wow... thank you Silver Spring!  That is one wrinkle in the cheese I hadn't considered. 
624
I would really hope my DILs mother did not intentionally tell a fabrication in order to start trouble.  It really upset me... because here is a woman that has so much!  She has 5 daughters.  4 of them are having babies left and right. She has 8 grandkids..  She sees them all the time.  And Me?  I don't really have that much save sharing 3 of her 8 gks... What would she have to gain by causing problems between her daughter and I?   I could never do that to another mother.
625
Quote from: Vasilisa on May 04, 2012, 08:37:10 AM
Do you think DIL could have some sort of depression? Was there a time you two got along? Did things go wrong when the babies came? Many young mothers are not getting enough sleep, are malnourished and rundown, and that really does affect temper and outlook.

Or maybe she is just unreasonable and mean like a junior high girl, or maybe having problems with her marriage that she is blaming on you, as suggested by others.

Don't approach her mother. If DIL hears about it, the sky could fall in. Search your conscience and if you decide you did something wrong, make it right and leave the rest. Don't look at anymore of her comments and just try to be yourself. I hope things get better.


Yes.... She mentioned PPD in several of her writings..  and in looking back, things got worse and worse between us after each baby.  There are 3 now..another boy.   Her animosity toward me seemed to jack up a notch or two after each baby.  After this last baby the obvious distaste could be cut with a knife.   

I believe she comes from a very close female dominated family who have little desire to include an outsider.. particularly another female.
No I'm not going to approach her mother.  As I said, there is no truth to this story.  I'm not sure if it's DIL making it up.. OR her mother.  From the gist of her writing... her mother told her about this..  Do mothers of daughters intentionally try to cut out the other mother?  Is there a competition there?  I can't imagine ever wanting to alienate part of my child's spouses family. Could SHE have lied to dil?    I'll never know.
626
Thank you all so much.  I am feeling better.  I also feel vindicated at some level.  For years I have wondered what the heck the problem was.  It was frustrating to try to interact with DIL only to be cut off at the knees with one word responses.   I asked DS every chance I had to clue me in on what I had done, or what the problem was.  NOW I KNOW, and DS didn't have to spill the beans.   I also know that I am not guilty of any horrendous missteps.  Because all the things I read were so off the wall. 
Take for example, how supposedly I said vile and wretched things to DILs mother in front of everyone at some event... Not sure if it was a baby shower or Christening.  I really would like to ask DILs mother what it was.  I have no recollection, of there being any "words" between us and it was bothering me.  However, based on her other complaints, I now know that it was probabley some totally innoculous comment or joke that was twisted or taken out of context.   I certainly would remember saying vile and wretched insulting things to someone.   I am not an impulsive crazy person with no self control.  but it simply doesn't matter now.   I have you guys to thank for helping me see that.  Nothing I say will make them think better of me, or change minds or positions that have already hardened. 

I know my son cares about me and wants his kids to grow up knowing his mother.  He has brought the kids to see me without her coming along.  Those were nice relaxed visits.  No eggshells... no awkward silences, no nasty remarks between DIL and DS..   This is maybe for the best.
627
It would be nice to be handed a manual regarding the appropriate thing to say or how to react to every given situation. It seems MIL cannot just relax and interact with DIL as she does her own family.  I think that's where most of us go off course.

As for my expressing a preference for a girl the 2nd time around and my excitement at finding out the ultrasound results... My goodness..  DIL herself stated she wanted a girl and she would have one of each.. When it was confirmed she was over the moon and saying how she looked forward to now being able to buy frilly girlie clothes and ribbons.  Should I have inferred from that that SHE now didn't feel her son was as special, or that she would now love him less than her daughte?  Of course not... That never entered my mind.  I was sharing in her excitement and voicing my own.  I can't believe she would twist things the way she did.   

But be that as it may... it's done and a myiad of other innocent gaffs of mine have been festering for years and years.   I don't think there is much hope to turn back the clock and start over.  I can't help but feel it is way to late for that. 
628
Thank you all for your input.  Not saying anything is the way I was leaning.  I just needed to hear it from others I guess.  It is going to be so difficult from now on.  I will be absolutely afraid to open my mouth... and I'm sure THAT will be construed in a negative way.    Let me give an example of what was in those posts...   When they had their first baby, it was a boy.  I was thrilled!   I love that kiddo with all my heart.  He is my first grandchild and holds a special place.  However, when they told me they were expecting a 2nd child I said that I hoped it was a girl this time.  I never had a girl...  MY grandmother and I had a very special relationship that holds only the fondest of memories for me.  When the ultrasound was done and it was confirmed she was a girl I was estatic!  Just thrilled.  I said that I was so happy about having a granddaughter.   However my excitement apparently was taken in a different light.   On her message board, it was turned into my not caring about my grandson!  That I didn't give a hoot about him anymore, because a granddaughter was coming.  How can you anticipate that happening?  How can you even know what to say?   Had I not said how happy I was, I'm sure that would have been taken to mean I didn't care about any of the kids.  So things like that are what I said were lies..  I guess not really lies, but total twisting of meanings and intents.   That is only one example  of many.  I was amazed at how such innocuous statements by me were taken totally out of context.   

Also my caution about not being intrusive and not calling to ask to visit without an invite was also taken to mean that I didn't give a hoot.  I never asked to go to Tball games, or ballet recitals..   I was never invited.. I didn't even know these events were taking place.   I blame my DS for that, not DIl...  But still, it apparently has upset her as I am painted as not caring.  Somehow I suspect that had I called constantly to see what was going on and asking to come would not have been the right thing either..  Don't you?   

As for knowing for certain that these posts were from her..  No doubt about that.  Her picture and the kids pics were in her siggy.  So no doubt about the legitimacy.   Can you understand how difficult is will be for me now?  I don't know what she is thinking or what the right thing to do or say will be.  I don't think that anything I say will be the right thing.   I know also that I have inadvertantly been the cause of battle royalles between her and my son.  From some of her posts, this issue has been the root of all the fights and problems between them.  What a heavy load I feel I have to carry.  I don't want that. I never wanted that.  I never suspected that.  Sorry so long..  I guess I just needed to get this off  my chest.
629
Hello... This is my first post, but I have been reading here for some time.  I have a situation which is causing me great hurt and pain.  My relationship with DIL has been on the decline for some time.  She is distant and cold.  When my son and her and the kids visit, she barely speaks and looks very unhappy while she is here.  I have asked my son what the problem is, but he is not saying.   He is vague and says.. "oh it's me not you"  I didn't want to confront her and create a problem.    I always thought I was very careful about staying out of their business and not offering uninvited advise... not visiting without being invited... etc..  But her coldness was very perplexing.

This week I was bored and surfing the net... playing around and typing in names and emails.  Up pops a message board with my DILs name.  It appears that going all the way back for years she has been writing horrible things about me in this support group.  She has called me horrible names and made accusations that I have absolutley no recollection of.  She has told these people outright lies.  Her hatred and viotrol were scathing.  I am reeling.

I have not done anything with this.  I have not told my son.  I have not confronted her.  But I don't know if I can ever look at her again.  Our relationship is not good now.  If I bring this up I am afraid it will be completely over. My son will be stuck in the middle, which I don't want.  What should I do?   Continue on as it is with a knot in my stomach everytime I see her?   I had no idea she harbored these feelings about me.  NONE..  Apparently everything I've done or said for years was discussed.  I'm just sick.   How I wish I hadn't been snooping on the net, but what is done is done.  Where do I go from here?   If only she had come to me with her complaints and not let it go on so long. I had no idea I was such a problem.