Ladies, I know this is an emotionally safe place so here goes. The short story is, we haven't seen new DIL in over a year--Haven't spoken to her in more than ten months. We are deeply in the "no contact" stage. We have seen DS a couple of times on his own without explanation of why DIL isn't along. Now, out of the blue DS has raised the possibility of a visit by both of them. I am quite frankly, ambivalent. I have been trying to adjust to the silence and worked hard at it. I don't want any drama. I just want peace through the holidays. The last conversation with DIL was very unpleasant--a diatribe of our interfering ways- (which, truthfully is unfounded--I know you have to take my word for it but I am asking you to do that). The conversation was suppose to be a start fresh talk but instead it was a one-sided condemnation of my family. I did not argue--just tried to get off the phone politely.
I am surprised by my ambivalence. I thought I would like a visit and a chance to really start over. Now, I am not so sure that the silence may not be just what I need to promote my own continued healing. In addition, I literally do not know how to talk to DIL--never have figured that out in five years. I just don't know how to communicate with her at all. I am so uncomfortable around her--guarded, nervous and mostly just afraid. I become another person in her presence. She has way too much power to turn me into something I don't like to be. Is this a wierd reaction?
Quote from: justdontunderstand on October 28, 2010, 10:14:42 AM
Ladies, I know this is an emotionally safe place so here goes. The short story is, we haven't seen new DIL in over a year--Haven't spoken to her in more than ten months. We are deeply in the "no contact" stage. We have seen DS a couple of times on his own without explanation of why DIL isn't along. Now, out of the blue DS has raised the possibility of a visit by both of them. I am quite frankly, ambivalent. I have been trying to adjust to the silence and worked hard at it. I don't want any drama. I just want peace through the holidays. The last conversation with DIL was very unpleasant--a diatribe of our interfering ways- (which, truthfully is unfounded--I know you have to take my word for it but I am asking you to do that). The conversation was suppose to be a start fresh talk but instead it was a one-sided condemnation of my family. I did not argue--just tried to get off the phone politely.
I am surprised by my ambivalence. I thought I would like a visit and a chance to really start over. Now, I am not so sure that the silence may not be just what I need to promote my own continued healing. In addition, I literally do not know how to talk to DIL--never have figured that out in five years. I just don't know how to communicate with her at all. I am so uncomfortable around her--guarded, nervous and mostly just afraid. I become another person in her presence. She has way too much power to turn me into something I don't like to be. Is this a wierd reaction?
hi there,
this is a real pickle....it sounds to me, like your son has been working on her to get this visit going...your damned if you do and if you don't....
here is what I would do....
insist on staying at a hotel/motel....explain to them, like my girlfriend explains to her kids...they just need they're privacy...medical reasons, waking up to having several cups of coffee, without having to feel like talking to anyone....yanno...? So, they stay in a motel/hotel
then, I would not make the visit longer then 3 days...the shorter the better....that is what I used to do....any longer tends to lend stress to the situation....
don't over do gifts....if I were you, regardless, the safest and easiest thing to do, is ask DIL, not son, if she thinks it would be ok to give GC a gift wrapped gift card...or ask her what she feels would be a nice gift, when she tells you, stick to it....and then give the GC money.
when your talking to them, don't look at son and ask him when he is doing this or that....but address them both....ask, "when are you guys planning on doing....this or that..." Hug her first.....address her more then son....no matter how she reacts to you....reassure her that your interested in her as a family member, and you don't want to cross boundaries by calling her first...and asking her what she feels would be an appropriate gift....
same with son and her...
I'm so sorry your going thru this...and I know you want to make it work...I'm certain other ladies will come in and give you some very good pointers...so, rest assure, we want to help y ou make this work if we can....
when you go, don't fall all over her....or be nervous...be you, that is all you can do...and be confident....smile a lot....and ignore any ill feelings she may do or say....if she talks about your family....then, change the subject immediately, don't even respond....she might get the message....?
lastly, do you want to go? I'm guessing both DIL and you feel it is to soon, however, son probably feels like your over due for a visit...and has been pressuring her to have you come...I could be wrong?
I'm interested in reading the responses from the others, b/c I just don't know?
Hugs
Creme
Quote from: justdontunderstand on October 28, 2010, 10:14:42 AM
Ladies, I know this is an emotionally safe place so here goes. The short story is, we haven't seen new DIL in over a year--Haven't spoken to her in more than ten months. We are deeply in the "no contact" stage. We have seen DS a couple of times on his own without explanation of why DIL isn't along. Now, out of the blue DS has raised the possibility of a visit by both of them. I am quite frankly, ambivalent. I have been trying to adjust to the silence and worked hard at it. I don't want any drama. I just want peace through the holidays. The last conversation with DIL was very unpleasant--a diatribe of our interfering ways- (which, truthfully is unfounded--I know you have to take my word for it but I am asking you to do that). The conversation was suppose to be a start fresh talk but instead it was a one-sided condemnation of my family. I did not argue--just tried to get off the phone politely.
I am surprised by my ambivalence. I thought I would like a visit and a chance to really start over. Now, I am not so sure that the silence may not be just what I need to promote my own continued healing. In addition, I literally do not know how to talk to DIL--never have figured that out in five years. I just don't know how to communicate with her at all. I am so uncomfortable around her--guarded, nervous and mostly just afraid. I become another person in her presence. She has way too much power to turn me into something I don't like to be. Is this a wierd reaction?
No, I have found that after some distance from your son and DIL, you start to see your son differently, or at least I have. I understand how you feel and I don't blame you one bit for not wanting them to disturb your comfort zone. It is extremely hard to see your son turn into another person at the alter and then to just embrace the new him and his wife, the instigator of the transition, with open arms when they feel like it.
Creme,
Thanks for your quick response. I should have made it clear--DS and DIL would be coming to us not us visiting them, so I cannot easily control all the factors you mentioned without seeming unwelcoming. I think you hit on one of the problems--too much togetherness when someone stays with you. We always stay in hotels when visiting with anyone. I insist on it because I like my privacy. I think DS would expect to stay with us because this is what he always does. There are no grandkids--so no issues there.
Barelythere,
You hit the spot--my comfort zone seems to be challenged. Your insight really is right on about how I feel. Thanks for the support and understanding.
Quotejustdontunderstand
Creme,
Thanks for your quick response. I should have made it clear--DS and DIL would be coming to us not us visiting them, so I cannot easily control all the factors you mentioned without seeming unwelcoming. I think you hit on one of the problems--too much togetherness when someone stays with you. We always stay in hotels when visiting with anyone. I insist on it because I like my privacy. I think DS would expect to stay with us because this is what he always does. There are no grandkids--so no issues there.
well, how do you feel about it? I mean do you think you could pull it off? obviously son wants to see his mom...how long are they staying, and when are they coming..? Are others coming? Friends, family members...
I think you are very right to feel how you do. Once we let go, we find that it is a big relief to not have to deal with the hurt and drama. And their visit, if it doesn't go well, can open up old wounds. And then there is the whole "I have to behave this way or it will all start up again." Such stress and worry.
On the other hand, you want to think that this could be the start to repairing the relationship (not that you have anything to be forgiven for). But a way to create peace and harmony and have a better relationship with them down the road.
I guess it would boil down to this for me. "Do I want a better relationship than we have, or am I content with how things are now?" Only you can answer that question for yourself.
And notice I said, "What do YOU want?" Not what do they want.
I think you have to go into this hoping for the best. Okay, don't expect to leave as best friends, but really, if you can have a visit where you're both civil to each other - sometimes that's the best you can ask for. After a couple of civil visits, maybe you can both warm up to each other and start to trust each other and let your guard down.
This is "Chicken Little" speaking: I would tell DS that the problems have cost me too much and I need to heal. I would tell him that if and when DIL approached me directly, openly and kindly, I would be up for anything that looked positive but that a visit without a new approach and mutual respect is more than I would be able to deal with. Sending love...
Yes difficult one this.
I have always felt comfortable with all my sons girlfriends except for the one so I know how you feel
I had a problem with her family blaming me for something I did not do and I vowed to never set foot in their house again and am now in a comfort zone I am not willing to step out of.
They have tried to get me out of there but I now see a red flag and og=fcourse this is what you see.
You dont know how to handle the situation without causing futher friction.
She will sense this and regard it as a weakness and may play on it.
It is a difficult one and no matter how you try to handle it you may not succeed."Try" is the key word here.If you cant be yourself and be accepted trying will not resolve it.
I dont think staying in your comfort zone is the answer though--I may not be able to stay in mine forever-- Take the risk it may resolve itself
As someone else said, it's a pickle, because you don't want to risk closing the door, but you also don't want to open yourself up to abuse and drama, especially if you have no distance between you.
I would be honest with your son in any case, and let him know that you are ambivalent, and what your concerns are.
Can you maybe suggest reversing the visit: going to see them on they days they suggested coming to see you (or maybe just for a day or so), and staying in a hotel? That way you and they both have someplace to retreat to if things don't go the way your son obviously hopes they will. If your son is pushing your DIL into a reconciliation, it may really not pan out the way he thinks, especially if she's away from her home turf, "trapped" in your house, and feeling defensive. If you all have a little bit of breathing room, it may go a lot smoother.
Good advise from Elsieshaye there.
Justdonunderstand,
I've felt the same way you do, I talk to DS on the phone everyday and I'm comfortable with that but I don't look forward to seeing him in person that much anymore, I don't like to see the person that he has become, I'm uncomfortable around DS and DIL, nervous and don't act like myself and I feel guilty for feeling this way, as his mother I feel that I should welcome him with open arms but I'm so afraid to let my guard down. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
We see eachother about once a month now, I guess he's trying his best but I get very nervous before he comes and get totally wiped out for a couple of days after he leaves. It's a little bit better when we go to their house, I think because I know if I want to cut the visit short I can leave anytime I want. I so wish that things could be the way they used to.
Do the best you can. Wish you luck.
JDU, how cool is it that you're ambivalent? I think it's great! There's power in ambivalence - you don't expect anything, you're not going to be disappointed, you are in 'take it or leave it' mode. Hurray! You said "She has way too much power to turn me into something I don't like to be." I understand, oh boy do I, but reading this post from you shows me that NO, she doesn't have any power over you that you don't give her!
Best wishes - take care of yourself and the rest will follow. And have an escape plan. Perhaps a friend could suddenly need a big favor that only you can handle? You'll think of something.
Chicken Little
I agree with you totally. If justdontunderstand is already begining to stress this visit, it is apparent that she is already thinking about how it will affect her.
The last time I saw my son was six years ago and we stayed at his home (at his request) for three days. Since I did not know where exactly it was, he met us at our hotel and stayed with us for one night before driving the remaining distance to his home. That one night he was the same guy that I had known years ago , joking with us, teasing his younger sister etc. It was a nice night. The next morning we drove to his home where dil and gc were and the whole dynamic of the visit changed.
I felt extremely uncomfortable, like we were putting her out, she complained she had to go food shopping, complained about everything and really did not speak to us at all. My son said very little until late at night when dil went to bed and then he was back to his oldself. I must say it was a very uncomfortable visit and one that I would not want to repeat. If dil really is not interested in a relationship with you and is only present because your son is forcing the issue, even if she says nothing you will still feel the resentment.
It would be an entirely different matter if dil was the one calling you to visit , at least then you could see that she is trying to make amends but this way I think you are opening yourself up for yet another chapter of "How the dil turns"
To All You Kind Ladies,
There is so much thought provoking in your responses! I wish I could respond to each and every one. Here are just some of the things you have made me think about.
What do I really want? Truthfully, I don't want to see DIL right now.
Can I handle a visit that goes poorly? No, I don't think I could. If things got worse because of it, I would feel like I was starting all over again.
Can I hope for the best? No, I don't think I can (Luise--Chicken Little flies around my house too!)
Could I be open and honest directly with DIL about my feelings of hurt, confusion and desire to move forward? No, I am afraid that if she saw how hurt I have been she would feel empowered.
Do I think my son is pushing this visit as some attempt at reconciliation? No, I think he is in denial of how wide the estrangement really is and how much hurt we have felt.
Do I think my DIL may be nervous around me or feels similarly about our relationship? No, I think she has the relationship she wants with us---aloof and distant. Why do I think that? She has never done one thing to try and reach out to us from the beginning. All the reaching has been on our side and our arms are tired! :)
With all that said, I don't know how to say no to DS without driving him away. He is clueless, I think of just how hard it has been for us. It would be so easy for him to see my refusal to this visit as a clear sign that I don't want to be around his wife. I feel trapped. I want to take care of myself by saying no. However, just like when he was little, I feel like I should put my needs second to his. It is a hard habit to break! I feel absolutely trapped!
Quote from: justdontunderstand on October 28, 2010, 09:47:01 PM
To All You Kind Ladies,
There is so much thought provoking in your responses! I wish I could respond to each and every one. Here are just some of the things you have made me think about.
What do I really want? Truthfully, I don't want to see DIL right now.
Can I handle a visit that goes poorly? No, I don't think I could. If things got worse because of it, I would feel like I was starting all over again.
Can I hope for the best? No, I don't think I can (Luise--Chicken Little flies around my house too!)
Could I be open and honest directly with DIL about my feelings of hurt, confusion and desire to move forward? No, I am afraid that if she saw how hurt I have been she would feel empowered.
Do I think my son is pushing this visit as some attempt at reconciliation? No, I think he is in denial of how wide the estrangement really is and how much hurt we have felt.
Do I think my DIL may be nervous around me or feels similarly about our relationship? No, I think she has the relationship she wants with us---aloof and distant. Why do I think that? She has never done one thing to try and reach out to us from the beginning. All the reaching has been on our side and our arms are tired! :)
With all that said, I don't know how to say no to DS without driving him away. He is clueless, I think of just how hard it has been for us. It would be so easy for him to see my refusal to this visit as a clear sign that I don't want to be around his wife. I feel trapped. I want to take care of myself by saying no. However, just like when he was little, I feel like I should put my needs second to his. It is a hard habit to break! I feel absolutely trapped!
Whatever you decide to do, and you will make a good decision when the time comes, I would advise you NOT to talk to your DIL about your feelings. The problem is that she might/she will-- go to your son and tell him something about what you said to her. Often it isn't what you said. Not always but often. "your Mother said...so and so"
I know how trapped you feel, it is scary, no doubt. She is going to be a part of your son's life so you are going to have to be with them. It's just a fact. And no, don't let her see you're hurt. Do not engage her at all. Don't be aloof but don't agonize over every word you say and everything you do around her. I've been there, it only makes them worse. You will be strong this time when you are around them.
Dear Barelythere,
You struck a chord. I do not feel I can trust my DIL with my feelings. If there was trust there, we wouldn't be where we are today. I no longer feel I can communicate truthfully with my DS either. A once close and open relationship has morphed into something unrecognizable to us. The truth is I could easily blame DIL (he did begin to change when he met her) but he might have changed anyway. I am willing to say I don't know why he changed (and not blame her) but the why really doesn't matter so much anyway. I am trying to deal with the new DIL and the new DS as well. I think he wants to stay in our lives but I just really don't know what DIL wants. I think she is pretty content not to have much contact based upon how she behaves. What else can you go on except how someone behaves toward you?
My biggest issue is that I am an open book kind of person. My emotions show in my face and I have no "game face". What you see is what you get. I simply am not good at wearing a happy face when I am stressed or nervous. I can hold my tongue but I can't hide my emotions. I am still in that "cry easily" stage when I get frustrated with this new reality. I am so afraid that I will cry in front of my DS or DIL if something is said or done that hurts me or my family. I do not want to show that vunerability . I want to keep my dignity!
Quote from: justdontunderstand on October 28, 2010, 10:41:10 PM
Dear Barelythere,
You struck a chord. I do not feel I can trust my DIL with my feelings. If there was trust there, we wouldn't be where we are today. I no longer feel I can communicate truthfully with my DS either. A once close and open relationship has morphed into something unrecognizable to us. The truth is I could easily blame DIL (he did begin to change when he met her) but he might have changed anyway. I am willing to say I don't know why he changed (and not blame her) but the why really doesn't matter so much anyway. I am trying to deal with the new DIL and the new DS as well. I think he wants to stay in our lives but I just really don't know what DIL wants. I think she is pretty content not to have much contact based upon how she behaves. What else can you go on except how someone behaves toward you?
My biggest issue is that I am an open book kind of person. My emotions show in my face and I have no "game face". What you see is what you get. I simply am not good at wearing a happy face when I am stressed or nervous. I can hold my tongue but I can't hide my emotions. I am still in that "cry easily" stage when I get frustrated with this new reality. I am so afraid that I will cry in front of my DS or DIL if something is said or done that hurts me or my family. I do not want to show that vunerability . I want to keep my dignity!
We have the very same "show on your face emotions". Until I quit trying with all my might to engage my DIL, she continued to say and do things that hurt terribly. She knows I am a cryer and all things show on my face. I quit all engaging with her and she got better. She still stomps around barking orders but I don't care anymore so i don't react. Been at this for years and years. I wish I had back the years this took from me.
I love my son and think highly of him but I also feel differently about him. This last ordeal about her FOOey's and their need to control their every move, showed me what he was up against. Her FOOey's are boss and to keep her from being hurt, he goes along with them.
We are not offered the same. It makes you not feel the same. If you really knew what was going on in your son's life, you might feel this way too. I hope you find out.
JustdontUnderstand
This is not an easy one. I so much relate with you. I used to get all nervous around dil all the time. I was not the usual me. Trying to say the right things....not wanting to make mistakes so that she would love or at least accept me. I was a rack. Things changed completely and now I feel comfortable with her around and I feel she does too. We could say we are now close....
I am an open book too. You can see when I am happy, sad, worry. I cried many times. I remember when myfirst gc was born. I went to visit her just like other relatives (her relatives and ironically some of my relatives, such as nieces, my son's cousins and aunts) and she was so rude to me that I just step out of her house and cried all the way back home. My husband saw me and was really mad at dil. My son called wanting to know the reason of me living his house and I refused to speak to them both for about two days. She then called me and apologized and we both cry on the phone. Some other things came later, but after two years we did resolve our differences.
When I feel that people hurt me, I mark the distance even if this tears my heart. But once I am heeled, I do think at least twice if I want to exposed myself to start all over the pain process if things go wrong. Should you get out of your safe zone? I am not sure, but then you will never know. Probably it is worth it. What if she has reconsidered her attitude and is sorry? We know ourselves well and only you know how difficult it was for you to adjust to your new life without them.
Ask God or whoever you believe in....to make you make a wise decision. And that what you decide be for better.
Love
Quote from: Pen on October 28, 2010, 06:20:28 PM
JDU, how cool is it that you're ambivalent? I think it's great! There's power in ambivalence - you don't expect anything, you're not going to be disappointed, you are in 'take it or leave it' mode. Hurray! You said "She has way too much power to turn me into something I don't like to be." I understand, oh boy do I, but reading this post from you shows me that NO, she doesn't have any power over you that you don't give her!
Best wishes - take care of yourself and the rest will follow. And have an escape plan. Perhaps a friend could suddenly need a big favor that only you can handle? You'll think of something.
[/quote
"An escape plan" Wonderful idea Pen.
Funny you should say this. I was pondering on this question this morning and was thinking that even having a quick whitted,cheerful friend pop in "Unexpectedly" would be a good idea.
Dear justdontunderstand,
Our situations are almost exactly the same. Nearly two years ago, my DIL and her FOO accused me of things that aren't true - quoting chapter and verse on how they knew that I loved my daughter more than my son. I realized that they were effectively driving a wedge between me and my son. I cried for months about it. DIL has avoided any contact with me since then. (I think she may be embarrassed about things she said.) Several weeks ago DS informed me that they would be coming to visit us on Thanksgiving, and asked me to think of things that would make DIL feel welcome here.
I can't even say that I am ambivalent, as you have expressed. My true feelings right now are that I don't want her here. I don't know how I can be a gracious hostess for her. I know that I am not yet ready to re-establish a relationship. I also know that I should NEVER say this to DS.
I am lucky this time, however, because two days ago DS informed me that he will come home alone, that DIL doesn't want to come here, that she will go home to her family instead. So I have escaped the bullet. Temporarily.
So perhaps I know exactly how you feel. I know that DIL will come here someday, and if I have not healed by that time, I will need to find ways to cope with the situation. My plan for coping, should I need it, is to smile a lot, but say nothing. (My words have always been misinterpreted by DIL.) Isn't there some research somewhere that says if one smiles, the body goes along with the ruse and eventually relaxes and has a good time? I'm hoping that may be true.
With all that said, I don't know how to say no to DS without driving him away. He is clueless, I think of just how hard it has been for us. It would be so easy for him to see my refusal to this visit as a clear sign that I don't want to be around his wife. I feel trapped. I want to take care of myself by saying no.
--------------------------------
JDU
look at this from unwanted quest point
did DIL invite you to her house? -No
you did not invite DIL to your house? -No
DIL put you into this a situation,
DIL must know how uneasy, tiptoed you are around her,
yet why did DIL invited herself to your home?
Because she love your son and respect you? -No
Why DIL is willing to come knowing that you did not invite her?
is that some new mother-in law test DIL put on you?
If you say NO to her invasion into your home
she would be probably very happy
and probably say to your son
" you see, you mother does not want me in her home"
and from now DIL would have a reason not to come
which would leads to estrangement.... :'(
it is still little hope here that DIL will canceled on the last day
calling you that she is so sick that they can not come...
what would I do in your situation?
prepare for best, but have so back plans-
my friend is sick, have to bring her soup, have to walk her dog
-which is true -I do that time to time
forget to buy something-will be back soon-
-asking son and DIL if they want something...
about crying in from of DIL -
just be honest and tell them that you do not feel good lately
-which is true, stress is not good for you
wishing you well
Dear Seafoam,
Thanks for sharing. It is so helpful to know someone "gets it". Sometimes I just feel like I have bad karma or something. What have I done that merits this pain? I blame myself for not being stronger...for not being tough enough to "soldier on through it". Then I feel like I am just whining and need to get on with it. I can't win even with my self talk! :)
Dear Eva,
I have wondered what my DIL's part in this proposed visit is. Is this another test for me to fail? Am I missing a change of heart she might be having even though there is nothing actually being said to lead me to believe that? Is this just my DS trying to hold on to us>
I am so off balance around DIL because I just don't know her well. What I do know about her is full of heartache. Thanks for responding to my reaching out.
Dear JDU,
If you decide to let that visit happen, let us all know when the event occurs and I (we) will be available for support. I liked several of the suggestions others made - suggestions to get out of the house when the going gets too deep. I can imagine wanting to take some chicken soup to an imaginary sick friend -- I really thought that one might work --- until I remembered that DS knows all my friends. As a 'local' boy, he knows the town better than I. Could I manage to escape to the store for some forgotten ingredient? Or would he jump in with an offer to get it for me, leaving me alone with DIL?
I don't think you are whining. I know the hurt feelings and the crying. But I know that for myself, I am going to get on with it just because I don't want to risk any new dings in my relationship with my son.
We're here for you. Make plans. Talk them out.
seafoam
Could I manage to escape to the store for some forgotten ingredient? Or would he jump in with an offer to get it for me, leaving me alone with DIL?
I don't think you are whining. I know the hurt feelings and the crying. But I know that for myself, I am going to get on with it just because I don't want to risk any new dings in my relationship with my son.
We're here for you. Make plans. Talk them out.
--------------------
seafoam happy Halloween
first one was scary-
leaving me alone with DIL?
very good strategy would be invite DIL to come with us,
driving to mall and stay there for couples of hours...
second one is very smart-make plans talk them out...
jdu - I agree with Scoop. Do you think it may push your son further away if you tell them not to visit? If my dd wanted to visit I would welcome her, and hope it was the beginning of healing.
Or, for another escape plan, tell them a friend called and needs some emergency "lady product," the more intimate the better. I'll bet you'd get to go alone :)
But seriously, I totally understand what you're going through. It's so hard to be on this emotional see-saw. We know it could be so much easier and less stressful. I hope it becomes so for you.
I have been thinking about this, because I can so put myself in this situation. I really wish my DS would visit, but without my DIL and that's not going to happen.
I love all of the advice that's been given, but I honestly must say, I am tired of walking on eggshells and being deceitful to keep the peace, so I have stopped. I have not been calling, texting, leaving FB messages....nada!
If all of a sudden my DS and DIL decided to come for a visit, I would say "Sure." I would wait and see how the visit played out. If DIL was being nice, then I would be nice. If DIL was giving it an effort, I would give it an effort. If DIL was trying, I would try....but if I saw no improvement and she was still acting her normal self, all bets are off! I will no longer take the hateful looks, rolling eyes, foot stomping and hateful words. I would simply look at her and say, "You are in my home and will treat me with respect. If you can't, then the visit is over." If DS stood up for her, then so be it. I am to the point that my DS needs to take a stand as well. He can either tell her behavior is not acceptable, or not. If HE wants a relationship with me, then it is his responsibility to take care of it. All I can do is stand up for myself and not allow them to treat me badly. If he wants to get mad at me, Ok. I am over it. He choose her, not me and if he wants to get mad at me, for what she says, well.....have a time! I know this sounds mean of me, but I am tired of her treating me badly, and DS going along with it and refuse to let it happen any longer. If they stomped out.....so be it. At least my dignity would remain with me this time instead of going with them! I do hope for a relationship with them, but not at the expense of myself. She either learns to be respectful, and he learns to refuse to stop letting her be disrespectful, or they can go to Chuck-E-Cheese!
It's in their court. You want respect....then give it.
Whew...that felt good!
I agree with you 100%, DH and I are at that stage right now, it doesn't matter that our GD is in the middle, we figured it's their loss and if someday GD wants to have a relationship with us hopefully we'll still be around, but we're tired of their attitude. Lately our DS and GD have visited us without DIL, at first we saw it as rejection, now we feel relieved that we don't have to put up with her.
I am with you Barbie. They have no children yet, but if they do...then I am like you. I will wait for a break in the relationship, or wait on the GC to get older and have an opinion. But at this point, when GC do come along, it is going to be something else for DIL to hold over me. So they either learn now, learn later or never learn. Their choice and you are right, their loss if they don't.
I will tell you, I wish DS would come visit without her! I'm jealous. ;D
I love it when Kirk comes over from Kauai for my birthday in March and stays a month. It's a retreat for him. Sandy's sister comes to see her and they do girl-stuff. It works for all of us! ;D (They have a park model trailer just 7 miles down the road from me.)
Quote from: justdontunderstand on October 29, 2010, 01:47:21 PM
Dear Seafoam,
Thanks for sharing. It is so helpful to know someone "gets it". Sometimes I just feel like I have bad karma or something. What have I done that merits this pain? I blame myself for not being stronger...for not being tough enough to "soldier on through it". Then I feel like I am just whining and need to get on with it. I can't win even with my self talk! :)
Dear Eva,
I have wondered what my DIL's part in this proposed visit is. Is this another test for me to fail? Am I missing a change of heart she might be having even though there is nothing actually being said to lead me to believe that? Is this just my DS trying to hold on to us>
I am so off balance around DIL because I just don't know her well. What I do know about her is full of heartache. Thanks for responding to my reaching out.
Perhaps your first grandchild is on the way and they want to tell you personally.Imagine turning them away--allthree? I would let them visit
Lets face it you will always wonder how it would have turned out
It is a funny thing but if we push people to spend time with us it drives them away
You have sat back and withdrawn. Perhaps she realizes you are not the inteferring person she thought you were and has had a change of heart.
I would say risk it.You may find all will turn out well
I don't know if this response is too late to matter, but if you aren't ready for a visit, you aren't ready for a visit. And you can say that. "this is not a good time for me, but I'm eager to see you another time."
When you are ready, you can invite them. And if you don't want them staying with you, they can stay in a motel. If they can't afford it, you can pay for it. If they can afford it, you can make the reservations and say, I've reserved a room in xyz for you so we can all have our privacy.
You can only be abused if you put yourself in a position to be. Don't do it.
HERE IS HOW IT TURNED OUT...
Well, we had the visit. It turned out really good. I nearly made myself sick with anxiety before it occurred (the price I usually pay for worrying too much). But, DIL came and was actually trying to be gregarious and work at getting along. DS seemed to want things to go well too.
My strategy was one of just taking it as it came...being myself but also remembering that my sense of humor is apparently something my DIL does not understand. So in that way, I held back my usual goofiness a bit. I also found moments for myself to de-stress when I needed too. There were a few times of discomfort when DIL said things that could have been interpreted as critical BUT I chose to ignore them.
All in all, it was a good restart....I hope! Hope is truly priceless in these situations.
:D :D :D WONDERFUL! CONGRATULATIONS! :D :D :D
Yay!
Great news! I'm glad it worked out. Thanks for letting us know.