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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: miss_priss on August 18, 2010, 10:13:35 AM

Title: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: miss_priss on August 18, 2010, 10:13:35 AM
I'm feeling bombarded with issues the last few days.  Thankfully, I have a vacation scheduled for the end of this month...just a long weekend with the girls, but thank goodness...I need to get away from all this for a few days!

Yesterday evening when DH and I got home from work, UPS had left a rather large package.  You guessed it, it was from MIL.  The same woman who just 2 months ago DH told to leave and never come back to our home.  (Lots of background info here, but if you're new:  MIL verbally and emotionally abused DH his whole life, she enspoused him, controlled him, guilted him, manipulated him, made him pay for her lifestyle, she never accepted me, she's cursed both of us, she tried to break up our relationship and when that didn't work, she just started to pretend I wasn't there, told lies about us to victimize herself and gain sympathy from other people and to turn them against us.  She's toxic in every way and it goes on and on, until finally DH said "enough is enough" and he told her to leave our home and not to ever come back or contact us again.)  Their final contact was just about 2 months ago.

Back to the present:  This package came as no surprise really, as she's always bought her way into an apology after any argument she ever had with anyone.  The last big stink she caused at our house she started an argument, and perpetuated it, that made my blood pressure skyrocket and caused my baby to go into distress.  Within 3 weeks she sent us a 60-inch flatscreen television...then called a few days later to "make sure we got it."  No verbal apology.  No acknolwedgement that there was even an argument.  From that phone call forward, she acted as if nothing ever happened between her son and her.  She picked up with her son right where they'd left off, but continued to act like I don't even exist.  And that's just the way it was for months.  It hurt, that DH let her buy her way back into his life again (she's done this several times before, with money, large gifts, etc.).  He accepted her gifts as apologies to HIM just as he always did, yet she still refused to acknowledge me as his wife, even just a person.  She still would not even speak to me if I were standing right in front of her.  That's an issue DH and I handled in therapy.  We agreed that we would no longer accept her lavish gifts as apologies, and our counselor agreed that it enables her and gives her a false sense of entitlement because she equates money to forgiveness. 

Now, we have this package.  It's full of baby stuff.  Clothes, toys, very nice things.  There are also some very nice dress pants for DH.  There is no letter, no card, no hint of real remorse...just nice, expensive gifts for our child and for DH. 

The problem is....DH thinks we should keep it.  Eventhough we agreed, and our counselor agreed, that accepting her gifts in lieu of apologies was a bad idea and it was enabling her...he wants to keep her gifts "because they are mostly for DD."

I think it's the "same ol' MIL" trick, just as she's always done and she will use it as her ticket back in just as she's always done.  What would you wise women do???

     
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: Pooh on August 18, 2010, 10:29:59 AM
I agree with you.  It sounds like another ploy to gain access again.  The first thing that hit me was that you said full of gifts for baby and DH.  Not that you want a gift from her, but something geared to you would be an indication she was including you in her thought and would indicate more sincerity.

Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 18, 2010, 10:38:35 AM
I would send a thank you note telling her that you have donated the articles to a shelter. And I would do just that. It's of no use to explain that money and gifts aren't apologies. I'd keep my distance and maintain my autonomy. If DH caves...the door is reopened for more abuse, which was the point of the package.

Sending love...
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: cremebrulee on August 18, 2010, 11:40:08 AM
If another package comes, I would send it back without opening it.
and if you write her telling her anything, it should be husband who composes the note in his hand writing.....

Have you and hubby tried to tell her to get counseling?

Glad your getting away....good for you!!!!
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: barelythere on August 18, 2010, 11:45:57 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on August 18, 2010, 11:40:08 AM
If another package comes, I would send it back without opening it.
and if you write her telling her anything, it should be husband who composes the note in his hand writing.....

Have you and hubby tried to tell her to get counseling?

Glad your getting away....good for you!!!!

I would think Postscript and her husband might have a hard time not keeping these nice gifts.  Counseling might be good for her.  She might learn that gifts don't buy love or caring. She has those mixed up, yanno? 
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: cremebrulee on August 18, 2010, 12:01:27 PM
yes, I know people who do that...it is the only way they know how to express love....

boy, this woman sounds like a real dozzie...I'd be pulling my hair out....

however, it is also very common and normal for a grand mama to want to buy for her grand child, and I have no problem with that, as long as it isn't over done....

problem....there is a generation gap, and what I like my DIL may absolutely hate.....so I send money....? 
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: barelythere on August 18, 2010, 12:09:01 PM
Quote from: cremebrulee on August 18, 2010, 12:01:27 PM
yes, I know people who do that...it is the only way they know how to express love....

boy, this woman sounds like a real dozzie...I'd be pulling my hair out....

however, it is also very common and normal for a grand mama to want to buy for her grand child, and I have no problem with that, as long as it isn't over done....

problem....there is a generation gap, and what I like my DIL may absolutely hate.....so I send money....?

I know whatcha mean about sending money.  My Parents raised me to think that sending money  was the path of least resistence, which was just about as bad as could be.  It meant you put no thought into the gift but nowadays it could be the wrong gift that a child might not even like or fit them or that they would play with.  It is a new generation for sure. Creme, dear? Money is the best policy these days!. ;D
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: miss_priss on August 18, 2010, 12:34:35 PM
Luise - your suggestion of donating the items to a shelter was my very first thought about this package.  When I suggested it to DH, he said the note would just make her more angry and wouldn't solve anything.  I tend to agree with him, that it will make her very angry.  I don't want to do that if I can help it, she can be very relentless when she's angry.  God only knows what she would do, because its like she lacks the ability to recognize consequences.  I have nightmares about her kidnapping our daughter.     

Barelythere and Creme - the thing is, the items she sent are great!  They are beautiful items, she really does have exquisite taste.  They are things I would love to put on DD, but they come with such a heavy price tag that I just don't want them.  I don't want to see them everyday, and know what they represent.  And even at this early age, DD's 7 months old now, I don't want DD to learn that she can "buy forgiveness."  I just feel like its a trend we need to stop now.  And keeping this gift means that we're condoning it, to me anyway.       
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 18, 2010, 12:59:44 PM
This price is too high if you keep the gifts and the price is too high if you don't. Look at the power you are giving her. It looks like since there is no peaceful action available to you, that you need to take the one where you can face the consequences. Why is is so unrealistic to make her angrier? You can't incorporate her into your life and your values. To keep the gift supports the continuation of the game you have professed you don't want to play. It's a no-go, right? If you can't donate them, then return them with a note that says it appears to you that the gifts are inappropriate under the current circumstances.

Sending love...
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: Sunny1 on August 18, 2010, 01:47:45 PM
I agree with luise...donate every bit of it.

My MIL and SIL literally stole the joy out of and ruined everything there was to ruin about our wedding. Complained about the cost of the bridesmaids dress for SIL (that never got purchased anyway, but that's another story) Then, upon returning home from our honeymoon, we found extremely expensive furniture from the most expensive store in the area in our living room.. it also looked eerily similar to the furniture in MIL's home. She was actually trying to decorate my house to look like hers! Now, DH and I each owned our own homes at the time, so we already had two houses full of furniture, we didn't need more furniture. It was just another one of her control tactics, it continued for quite awhile after that too. We told her absolutely no gifts this past Christmas, so she gifted magazine subscriptions. Then kept making excuses about canceling them. She absolutely refuses to respect our wishes for anything, not even the small stuff, she has to control or manipulate everything and everyone around her.

We've resorted to returning, canceling, donating, or just plain smashing and returning to her, anything that appears in whatever way she manages to dream up.  :)

My MIL is a supposed lifelong Christian, but I've found that hell will freeze over before she will ever apologize for years of lies, hypocrisy and manipulation. A sincere apology is all I've ever asked for, but I know I won't get one.



Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 18, 2010, 01:56:26 PM
What a story! I think there is so much to be learned regarding manipulation, if we aren't into it. We fear the person and don't step up to the plate. They keep it up because we are actually continuing to play the game by being fearful.

Sending love...
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: Sassy on August 18, 2010, 04:29:42 PM
As you know, this is not about gifts.   Perhaps DH can discuss with the counselor why he wants to keep the gifts, so someone neutral can walk him through his thought process. If he doesn't want to play, then he won't play.  However, it sounds like DH very much wants to play, and that he wants to keep that door open to her.  Despite what he may have said he wanted, two months later she's ready and apparently so is he.  His actions are louder than words.  The problem is, from what you wrote about the threat of kidnapping, this is not a game you (or your DD) can afford for him to play.

I strongly suggest you and DH speak to a Domestic Violence counselor. Living your life with the threat that MIL will kidnap your child is living with domestic violence.  If the counselor you're seeing is not trained in abuse, which is what this threat is, then she is not fully prepared to handle this situation.   Ask your counselor: "are you trained to specifically handle abuse and domestic violence."  For you, I'd prepare yourself for how you will handle protecting yourself and your daughter from the next step it seems DH will want - to include her in his life.   Even if he says it's "just because" not doing so will make her angry enough that she would hurt your daughter. 

If you and he are honestly concerned a mere note could make her angry enough to kidnap your daughter, and he's not creating that threat as an excuse to twist doing something wrong into a good thing ("By accepting and keeping these gifts, we're actually protecting our daughter from harm!").. then you need other reinforcements in place NOW.  If a note can send her off, then so could one terminated phone call, and that can come at any time.

As parent, it's your responsibility to protect your child from forseeable harm.  If a civil exchange (such as the note) is expected to result in criminal action being done to her, this is NOT a game.  Reinforce, doors, locks, window guards.  Install alarm systems.  If MIL ever had a key to your home to water plants, even if she returned it, she could have made a copy so you must replace all locks that key would work on.

You need to alert the police in both areas (where you and she live) and provide pictures.   You need to register DD with child-identifcation resources.  If she's old enough for daycare or school you need to provide photographs of MIL with explicit instuctions police are to be called if she attempts to come on school property.  You must inform any care providers and provide pictures, including those of cars she drives, and instructions to call police immediately.   Consider notifying any neighbors in viewing distance of your house know about the threat.   Same things with any friends you think MIL could contact for information.  Take down any pictures or personal information about your plans and whereabouts from any social networking sites, no matter how "blocked" you think they are, they're not.  Look at personal protection and stalking websites to learn more. 

You need to talk to a lawyer to find out about stalking laws.  Find out what your state needs to  issue restraining orders, if they issue restraining orders. In some places, any contact from you towards the person providing unwanted contact, even in response, neutralizes the charge of stalking, and so by sending any note, you may be less protected.  Find out from a lawyer, and a policeman, what he personally would do.  Consider that all future communications should be from a laywer or the police, including a Cease and Desist.

Engaging someone dangerous just so they don't hurt you is a calculated risk (and in my opinion a fool's move) and if your DH insists on dragging your daughter into a dangerous place by engaging someone so dangerous they would kidnap her, you must be informed about the risks, rights, and obligations to protect your child.

Miss Priss it's hard for me to gauge your seriousness.  I know this is complex, and emotions run the range, but hearing you talk about MIL's exquisite taste in children's clothing, and basing how you'll react to them on the threat of  MIL kidnapping your daughter in the same thread is somewhat confusing for me.  However, I am responding as if you are serious, and if you are serious about the threat, then I suggest you react to this threat with all total seriousness.  Winging it without full legal knowledge isn't an option.
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: miss_priss on August 18, 2010, 07:29:25 PM
Sassy - thanks so much for your post.  There's so much information there, I feel so informed.  I appreciate your taking the time to write it.

There have been no real "threats" communicated, I didn't say that.  I just have nightmares about it.  I've had these nightmares ever since DH and I found out she was sending her niece to the hospital "to take pictures" of our DD when we weren't there, she was in the NICU for several weeks when she was born.  DH had put niece on the list to be able to get in to see her whenever she wanted, even when we weren't there, because she was living with us at the time and we both thought we could trust her.  When we caught her lying about just how much time she was spending with the baby without us (I caught her at the hospital when she told us she was "at school"), I immediately removed her from that list and notified the hospital staff that she was no longer to be in the room with the baby without DH or I present.  When I found out that MIL had been  funneling money to her so she could drive back and forth to the hospital to send MIL private photos, and then telling niece not to tell us...I was LIVID.  But worse, I was terrified.  I realized just how easy it would be for her to take her. 

I have voiced my concerns with DH, he agrees that she can't be trusted alone with DD, but he also assures me that she's not crazy enough to take her.  I'm not so sure, but I'm not willing to take the chance.  We have already changed all the locks, installed a home alarm, and given MILs picture to her daycare with instructions to call the police, then call me if she ever shows up there.  I've seen her do some pretty crazy things out of desperation, and it makes me feel crazy myself that I have to worry about this.

Regarding her gifts...Sassy, you're absolutely right.  Its not about gifts, that's just her ticket in the door.  DH sees that, but he says that if we reject the gift, or send her a note telling her that we donated the gifts, that he will have to face the rest of his family who will rally to her defense...he says he just can't deal with that anymore.  To me, its only their business if he allows it to be.  I personally have no problem telling anyone "sorry, that's between ourselves and MIL.  It's not your business." but he can't seem to do that, he never could.  His family is very prying and feudal, that's just the way they are.             
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 18, 2010, 08:31:56 PM
When DH says he can't deal with it anymore...he is setting both of you up to have to deal with it forever.
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: barelythere on August 18, 2010, 09:45:34 PM
I don't understand why your Mother in law can't get it through her thick head that she is not wanted in your life!  Even stooping to stealing pictures of her granddaughter, desperate tactics!Sending expensive gifts, clothes?  She's not wanted and it looks like she'd get a clue but she remains clueless and still does it.  Somebody's just going to have to say it clearly that she is not wanted, never wanted and to go away, which I'm sure you've done.  This can make a mother want to crawl in a hole and never come out but she's really bad. and is desperate.  My prayers are with this woman so she can overcome her desire to be apart of your lives. 
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: cremebrulee on August 19, 2010, 05:42:29 AM
I think you've got some exceptional advice here on this one....
something we must all remember though, it is very difficult for anyone to go against a parent...that is still his mother, and as dysfunctional as she is, I can understand why he wants to keep the door open...but for the sake of your relationship with you, he must understand the consequences of doing that...that it would hurt you both....

when my own mother treated me so badly....I still loved her/hated her....but always went back for more, until eventually realizing, she does the best that she can do mentally, and she will never change...so, I don't go back as much and try very hard to let things roll off me.

One very important thing your husband has to realize, his mother is not capable of love....b/c what she is doing, is NOT love....it is manipulation and control that she loves...she loves sabotaging her own life....it's who she is, and how she has learned to be....

I know you both would like a very natural relationship with her, but it cannot be.....

Good luck....
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: GreatWhiteNorth on August 19, 2010, 05:49:17 AM
This is yet another post that I could have written word for word. Even some of the replies, I live daily with the threat of MIL kidnapping my daughter as MIL has already tried at least twice.  I have had to keep my daughter in private school due to security measures because of MILs constant threat. I am scared to death of big school coming up in September because of MILs past kidnapping attempts, this is a fear that I would wish on any mother but I live with it daily.

MIL has never admitted to wrongdoing, still maintains that she is the victim of our lying daycare.

Know what I found when my DH and I went over there once? (MIL and FIL were on vacation, so it was safe), it was a new booster seat, one that only fits our daughter out of all the grandchildren sitting in MILs garage. I think MIL even has some fun with this...she knows what she did was wrong, I do believe that.

As for the gifts, we were getting those a while back and they just felt so "icky" and this morning we get a call from the evil due of MIL and FIL and FIL wants to know how much money we need to close our new house (we are moving in September, alot of big changes for us coming up).

It just creeps me out, I am not sure what he is getting at and I will wait to see in September, but my first though is that if they contribute somehow that in exchange the indebtedness of us is our DD (who MIL has been completely obsessed with since she was born). As if a couple hundred thousand dollars (my PILs are extremely wealthy people) would be a suitable exchange for the safety of my DD.

I say that because exposure to toxic MIL poses great risk, the munchausen by proxy, the extreme enmeshment, the trying to take over as mother, just the resentment MIL causes in our little family.

We have been doing so well by cutting out the toxicity, I was so enmeshed with MIL that my mental sanity was starting to look alot like hers.....
I just had to break away for my sake, for the sake of my family and how me being this enmeshed meant I was not really there for them, I was too busy living MILs life, focused on her dysfunction.


Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: Sassy on August 19, 2010, 05:50:52 AM
Quote he will have to face the rest of his family who will rally to her defense...he says he just can't deal with that anymore.  To me, its only their business if he allows it to be.  I personally have no problem telling anyone "sorry, that's between ourselves and MIL.  It's not your business." but he can't seem to do that, he never could. His family is very prying and feudal, that's just the way they are.    

QuoteAs you know, this is not about gifts.   Perhaps DH can discuss with the counselor why he wants to keep the gifts, so someone neutral can walk him through his thought process. If he doesn't want to play, then he won't play.  However, it sounds like DH very much wants to play, and that he wants to keep that door open to her.

I strongly suggest you and DH speak to a Domestic Violence counselor. Living your life with the threat that MIL will kidnap your child is living with domestic violence.  If the counselor you're seeing is not trained in abuse, which is what this threat is, then she is not fully prepared to handle this situation.   Ask your counselor: "are you trained to specifically handle abuse and domestic violence." 

For you, I'd prepare yourself for how you will handle protecting yourself and your daughter from the next step it seems DH will want - to include her in his life.   Even if he says it's "just because" not doing so will make her angry enough that she would hurt your daughter. 

A threat need not be verbalized to be a Threat.  Even this "gift" is a threat.  Trust your gut.  You are not powerless.   Again, I suggest you talk to a Lawyer and talk to a trained Domestic Violence counselor. Even if your husband refuses to or is not interested in learning how to deal.   Take care of yourself and your DD, even if your DH doesn't.  Those resources are out there for you and your DD.  I hope you use them.  Sending you strength.
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 19, 2010, 07:28:05 AM
I feel the danger here may be your DH reluctance to face up to this onslaught. You need a united front or your MIL may drive a wedge between you. His inability to act positively for his family is something you can work out together. He is validating her power by fearing her retaliation. Take this to a counselor and create a united front. Action is required in my view. Sending love...
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: pam1 on August 19, 2010, 08:12:30 AM
miss_priss, I know the struggle over gifts very well.  It's not easy and my heart goes out to you guys.  We go through this every gift giving occasion.  It's overwhelming and it's really not about the gifts, but about control.  It's not a good feeling.

I think sometimes you kind of have to give with your husbands, *you* can clearly see the price of the gift but your husband hasn't gotten to that point yet.  I think it may be easier for you to separate the box and tell him he can do with his gifts what he will but you're going to donate your child's side as you don't feel comfortable.  I think if you set the example eventually your husband will become more comfortable with setting his own boundaries.  I also think that sometimes husbands have to feel the brunt of their FOO's actions before they start realizing that they need to change and that this situation is not comfortable for all involved.

So if you quietly take yourself out of the picture and let him deal with it directly, it saves you peace of mind too.
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: Pen on August 19, 2010, 09:25:22 AM
Quote from: GreatWhiteNorth on August 19, 2010, 05:49:17 AM
This is yet another post that I could have written word for word. Even some of the replies, I live daily with the threat of MIL kidnapping my daughter as MIL has already tried at least twice.  I have had to keep my daughter in private school due to security measures because of MILs constant threat. I am scared to death of big school coming up in September because of MILs past kidnapping attempts, this is a fear that I would wish on any mother but I live with it daily.

MIL has never admitted to wrongdoing, still maintains that she is the victim of our lying daycare.

Know what I found when my DH and I went over there once? (MIL and FIL were on vacation, so it was safe), it was a new booster seat, one that only fits our daughter out of all the grandchildren sitting in MILs garage. I think MIL even has some fun with this...she knows what she did was wrong, I do believe that.

As for the gifts, we were getting those a while back and they just felt so "icky" and this morning we get a call from the evil due of MIL and FIL and FIL wants to know how much money we need to close our new house (we are moving in September, alot of big changes for us coming up).

It just creeps me out, I am not sure what he is getting at and I will wait to see in September, but my first though is that if they contribute somehow that in exchange the indebtedness of us is our DD (who MIL has been completely obsessed with since she was born). As if a couple hundred thousand dollars (my PILs are extremely wealthy people) would be a suitable exchange for the safety of my DD.

I say that because exposure to toxic MIL poses great risk, the munchausen by proxy, the extreme enmeshment, the trying to take over as mother, just the resentment MIL causes in our little family.

We have been doing so well by cutting out the toxicity, I was so enmeshed with MIL that my mental sanity was starting to look alot like hers.....
I just had to break away for my sake, for the sake of my family and how me being this enmeshed meant I was not really there for them, I was too busy living MILs life, focused on her dysfunction.

I totally agree that you have a mess on your hands here and valid concerns for regarding your daughter. However, I'm wondering why it's "OK" to go into IL's garage when they aren't there? If you want to break the enmeshment tangle, you must also respect their boundaries.

This is kind of an issue with me because DS & DIL have no problem using a key to get into our home whenever they like, but have never invited us to theirs. (DS has a key because he's our only relative in the area and we feel it's necessary for someone to be able to help in an emergency.)

Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: miss_priss on August 19, 2010, 01:04:54 PM
Thank you all for the caring advice.  MILs strangle-hold on DH has always been an issue, in the years I've known him anyway.  But I do understand how hard it must be.  He doesn't want to close that door permanently.  He's STILL hopeful that she will come around, and therefore he doesn't want to make the situation worse by throwing her gifts back in her face.  I can somewhat understand his reasoning, she is his mother afterall, and if the shoe were on the other foot and this was my mother, I would be devastated.  I try to keep that in mind when we are discussing this recurring issue, but I am with you ladies:  I want to let her know, once and for all, that she cannot purchase forgiveness for all she's put us through, and the only apology we can accept now is for her to get Psychiatric help.  I would like to do it in a way that is sensitive and kind, but I realize this woman doesn't have the capacity to see beyond her own nose, and the simple idea of rejecting or donating these items will in itself send her into a rage.  DH realizes that too, and he doesn't want that to happen and therefore he cannot return/donate the gifts. 

At this point, I am prepared for the repercussions, from whatever way its handled.  DH wants me to trust him to handle it.  It's hard to do, because of the years that he...well, he just didn't, but instead, ignored the issue hoping it would go away.  Those years were hard on our relationship, and I feel like we're circling back there again.....which is exactly what she's wanting! 

All of the advice you awesome ladies have posted is exactly what needs to happen....the trouble is convincing DH that its the right thing to do.  When I make these same suggestions to him, he automatically rejects them and shuts down.  Any suggestions there?   
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: GreatWhiteNorth on August 19, 2010, 02:05:31 PM
Pen- We have a family business situation that is on the way of being completely resolved, so their garage is where alot of my husbands tools and such are for the business, the PILs at one point talked my DH who is an engineer out of his engineering career to work for their family business. That way they control his livelihood and keeping all the business supplies at their place is great way to ensure he always stops in.  He lined their pockets for years while they paid him peanuts.

I usually don't go anywhere near the place, and my DH takes a second trip when they are there to get stuff he needs for work, I didn't actually go in the house at all, the garage is separate and the house is locked even from the garage, he asked me to come in and talk to him while he was getting what he needed. I felt creepy being there to be honest.

Miss Priss-I use to run into this with my DH as well. I found that counselling really helped. I have read that admitting that your parents are evil (which many NPD actually are) is one of the hardest things for a child to be able to do.  Dr. Peck even suggested a second category for the variety of Narcissism called Malignant Narcissism to be instead called "evil personality disorder". It is about accepting who his parents are. It comes with time.

You have to remember that he grew up with this dysfunction all his life, starting at childhood in all likelihood. How does a child deal with dysfunction? they are not old enough to survive on their own. They typically form defense mechanisms and the more years that they have to employ these the stronger they get, but then what happens is they get older and even though the defense mechanisms are no longer needed they are still deeply engrained.

Then they marry someone who has not needed to form these defense mechanisms and that is where eye to eye is not seen. The spouse you see is not equipped with these defense mechanisms like he is. His home was likely very enmeshed and he likely learned to be enmeshed too. The enmeshment here is that he has these defense mechanisms and might just unconsciously think that you do as well, that everyone does as well. Likely one of his defense mechanisms was to view some of her dysfunction as normal, perhaps he had to pick his battles as a child and learned to let alot go and this has continued on.

As he understands the situation better the defense mechanisms will be spotted easier and as an adult he can choose to work through those and not use them anymore. It is hard work, but well worth it...

Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: Sassy on August 19, 2010, 02:06:48 PM
Of course your DH loves his mother, wants her approval, and dreams of a good relationship with her.  What child of any age doesn't? 

BTW, my MIL is similar to yours in many ways.  She is relatively quite young, and always expected DH to pay her bills.   She showed up univited to our wedding wearing a black dress and veiled hat, on the arm of his ex-girlfriend (and they were escorted off premise by the off duty police we had hired for that purpose). She complains terribly and calls me "gold digger" to his Aunt and Grandmother, neither of whom came to our wedding.  Both of whom call him and alternately berate him and try to make him feel pity for her, and to tell him he should pay her bills.   She does try with his cousins but they see through her and still support DH (he is an only child).  Despite her flair for drama, I have never felt any physical danger from her.   Because of her money issues, I do however have multilevel security in place against any inquiries or applications for credit in our names, and get regular email updates about any changes made to our credit reports, just in case.

Your DH has a wife who sincerely fears physical danger from someone in her family.  He has a daughter who may be in danger of being abducted from her parents by her own grandmother.  He has a daughter whose grandmother put a member of your household on her payroll as an undercover spy to deceive you regarding the child.   Does he realize you live with a man who seems like he's once again becoming willing to put the women who need and trust him most in harm's way?  By exposing you and DD to it, he too is committing a sort of third-party violence against you both.  If it was a FIL who showed tendencies of being a sexual predator, (instead of a MIL who shows the tendencies to steal a baby from it's parents), and DH insited on including FIL in your lives,  that third-party responsibility may be more evident.

And the gifts?  I would not recommend sending dangerous people notes.  I would recommend donating the items to charity anyway.  It is bad energy in your house.  If you husband wants to keep her bribe, and use and enjoy it, that is the warning bell sounding.  Heed it and YOU learn how to defend yourself and your daughter from what's to come.
Title: Re: Unexpected "Gifts" from MIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 19, 2010, 02:49:17 PM
Blinders are dangerous.. as in not seeing where the gifts are leading and what they mean. As in not heeding the warning and acting accordingly. I agree that you need to extricate yourself from the "game" and have it be what it is... a mother targeting her son and his family and a son preferring head-in-sand to protecting his own or even acknowledging the threats. Her behavior isn't rational. Have any of your ever been overtly cruel and then followed it up by sending lavish gifts without communication or explanation?  No, of course not.