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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Goldenmom13 on April 04, 2011, 05:09:23 PM

Title: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Goldenmom13 on April 04, 2011, 05:09:23 PM
I have one son who has been married for almost 3 years and has a new 2-month old baby girl. His wife is nice enough and I have known her for many years since they went to high school together (although were not together as a couple then). She comes from an extremely wealthy, suffocating family and she and , particularly, her Mom are extremely close. I should mention that they also live about 150 miles from us and her parents live in the same neighborhood as my son and daughter-in-law. Her parents see the baby every day (they also all work together) and when it comes time for us to see the baby..we always have to come to their house and when we are there, her parents are ALWAYS in the picture...we have not had more than one day alone with our new grandchild. My husband is becoming very frustrated at the disparity and wants me to talk to our son..I know our son loves us and wants to be with us, and he constantly says how much he wants us to be there for the baby....but I think he is pressured by the fact that he feels like he has to do what his wife's family does because he works in their business. What would you do? S.

Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: luise.volta on April 04, 2011, 05:34:39 PM
I would agree. They have a hold on him that may make it hard for him to feel independent. Can you talk withh im about it and ask him how it could work for both of you? Sending love...
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: tryingmybest on April 04, 2011, 05:51:10 PM
I feel for you, but I've got to be honest if I were you, I wouldn't say a word. Anything you say is going to be heard as a "demand", and they tend to backfire. You can make your visits special and fun and relaxed even if they have to include your DIL's family, :o Figure out a tradition you can have with your grandaughter that's something special just for you. My Grandmother used to bring me movie magazines and lemon drops.
It sounds like your son is in a very pressured situation. Letting him know you are there for him, without adding to the pressure I think will mean alot. I'm facing just about the same situation BTW, my DIL is extremely emeshed with her family. It ain't easy.  :-X
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: L on April 04, 2011, 06:10:49 PM
Maybe you could tell DS on the phone on your way down for next visit that you want to treat DS, DIL, and GD out for dinner at restaurant (don't include her parents in invite) and see what happens.  Also, you could offer to babysit and let your DS and DIL go out by themselves.  Maybe when you and DH are there you could suggest you and DH take baby out for a stroll by yourselves and you could add lightly and smiling "we want to have a little special alone time with our sweet grandaughter".  I think it may be easier when your GD gets older because then you can invite her to come stay at your house during the summer for a long weekend or a week if DIL would allow and you and your husband then will have quality time with her without the other grandparents.  Hang in there, actually since you don't live so close, as your GD gets older it will be "extra special" to her when she sees you as she always sees the other grandparents.       
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: L on April 04, 2011, 06:35:59 PM
Just thought...have you ever invited them to your house for a weekend?  That would give you time alone with DS and GD without DIL's parents hovering.  When you are at their house though, I would turn it around to offering to babysit while DS and DIL take a break and tell them you would love to have the time with GD and for them to go out and have fun.  Hopefully it won't backfire and the DIL's parents won't insist on helping you babysit! haha.   :-[  then you will still be stuck with her parents still there!  Good luck.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 04, 2011, 07:00:45 PM
Easter is coming up. Maybe invite your DS/DIL/GD for Easter weekend. It seems kinda "natural" to me that they are very close with DIL's family since her family lives so close and you aren't. It certainly isn't "fair" but it does make sense. But I too would caution against saying anything that might come across as a demand.

You said they went to high school together? Did you guys move or did her family move?
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Kennedy on April 04, 2011, 07:38:42 PM
Bless your hearts! I can understand how that would make you feel badly.
Some of our Grandchildren live within 5 miles of us and we see them all time! Sometimes daily. And when their other Grandparents are in town to see them. (They live in another state) We always stay away except for the next to last evening they are here. Then if they are up for it we carry the entire group out to dinner.
But we know that is special time for them and the grandchildren! So we don't go over there and so they can have all their attention.
And thankfully with the Grandchildren that we have that don't live near us, their other do the same for us.
I have no suggestions for you on how to get them to do right? I wish I did! It seems selfish and really kinda blind of the other Grandparents not to see that y'all want to love and play with the baby just like they do.. I don't understand that?
I'm sure that many of the WW here will be able to help you.. God Bless!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on April 04, 2011, 08:35:48 PM
Goldenmom.. you and I need to sit down one day with a glass of wine and compare notes... I'm in the same bind as you... while my dil is pregnant with her first, it will be the same with her FOO because it has been like fighting a sea of jellyfish just to get to see my son.  They have pushed, and dil has insisted that her parents be there at every single turn....  my son was heading out on his first deployment and we had only a half of a day to see him, and guess who decided that they needed to see him off as well... I boldly went where no one should have to go and told everyone that this was going to be our time with our son, oh yes no one has gotten over it, and now it's become a game for her family... We had plans in Nov to do a weekend away with my ds/dil (we were invited for the weekend, not our idea) when at the very last minute oops guess who was going to fly in to join all of us... needless to say I said thanks but no thanks, catch you another time.... matter of fact I seem to be saying that a lot any more, because I'm sick and tired of having her family shoved down my throat and up my butt every waking minute of every day.   With us this has nothing to do with money, social class etc, it's based on the selfish wants of a very spoiled, self-centered young lady, who has parents who apparently approve of her self-centered ways, because they sure go along with it.  Now where is my hemorrhoid cream.. I feel an itch in an odd place. 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Kennedy on April 04, 2011, 08:55:01 PM
Laurie, I just LOVED your reply! And I don't blame you one bit! I'm still laughing! Did you find that cream?  :P
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on April 04, 2011, 09:27:16 PM
You know, after a few years of this, it really is just a pain in the rear... I have a good relationship with my kids, wanted to enjoy my new dil, but she has just made it almost impossible.  But.. on a good note she is showing my own daughter what not to do in life :) .. I have a feeling that I'll be searching for that cream for years to come.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Nana on April 04, 2011, 10:31:18 PM
Thanks Laurie for this laughing moments....priceless.

Love
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 05, 2011, 12:34:09 AM
Hello goldenmum ...

join the world wide club of MIL's who's sons are married and have a baby that none of us see !!
There are many on this forum who have the same dilemma as you have ! their wives seem to think that their
husbands family don't have the same interest in their grandchild as her parents .
Unless you state your case with your son , they will be happy to let you see your grandchild high days and holidays only.
As you are in a different location , it's up to him to arrange your visits .As the baby is still very small perhaps a visit
to you would be a problem , but as she gets older , make sure you  let them know you would like them to visit you .
This is not a demand , it's a gentle reminder that this baby has two sets of grandparents .
Eventually , hopefully, they will get the message .
New babies bring a lot of love , but also a lot of work . The new parents will be under a lot of stress at the moment .
Remember that feeling ? Sheer panic , lack of sleep , am I doing this right .
Given time when they have a routine established , your son will welcome your visits .
As her parents are THERE , I know how you feel , but by keeping in touch , they know you care .
Congratulations Grandma .....!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: misunderstood on April 05, 2011, 01:01:37 AM
Hi

Sounds tough, but GD is only 2 months old, so I for 1 wouldn't be travelling 150 miles each way yet.  Perhaps DIL family do not realise that they are imposing, maybe they want a relationship with you guys also.  How many times have you visited and how long did you stay?  Were her parents there the whole of your visit or did they just stop by.  It may be that DIL is suffering from Post Natal depression, so needs Mum around to support her.  Or it may be that her mum is overexcited with her first grandchild too!

However, it would be incredibly frustrating to have this happen al the time.  So why not try and relax, offer to have them stay with you when they are up to travelling and next time you visit offer to take them DS/DIL out.  Try not to make it a competition.  It seems as if they are happy to have you visit them which is good. At this young age I wouldn't want to be separated from my baby, 2 months is quite young to be leaving DD alone with anyone, so don't be offended if DS/DIL don't take you up on offer of babysitting yet, if you mention it  make it an open offer as in when you guys fancy it we'd be happy to babysit sometime.  Perhaps if DIL wanted a soak in the tub and DS was out etc would you lik me to watch GD whilst you soak would be nice.  I didn't leave my dd with anyone (including dh as I was breastfeeding) for at least 6 months.

What I sometimes struggle with is the its our right to see Grandchildren, to me its a privilege to be enjoyed, its not a competition or a contest.  Children should have a right to see their grandparents (in most cases) and other extended family as I personally believe that in most cases the more people who can love and care for and be good examples to a child the better.  However as soon as someone starts demanding time with DD my shackles go up, my line was always we'd love to see you when its convenient, and would try and see each family (and there were 3 my parents, and his mum and dad were separated) once a month but at times with work, church (and as children get older parties) sometimes it wasn't possible. 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Scoop on April 05, 2011, 05:39:41 AM
I have to say that I don't understand this need to be alone with the GC.  I don't get it.  What would you do differently with the baby if your DIL's P's weren't there?

I am a DIL, I'm not a Gma, so maybe I *can't* get it.  But, I don't *need* time alone with my Mom, or my brother, or my nieces or nephews, or cousins or even best friends.

ASIDE: That being said, Laurie, I can see where you NEEDED time alone with your DS (& DIL) before he deployed.  That's different.

I don't know GoldenMom, I think you're looking for a fight in this situation.  When you visit, I'm assuming you spend at least 1 night.  So you get to see the baby first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  Are DIL's P's there the WHOLE day?

I can see where they want to have a relationship with you.  They will likely be seeing you guys at every occasion in the GC's life, birthdays, holidays, graduations, wedding ect.  I think it's AWESOME that they're trying to form a relationship with you.

"If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

I think you need to change the way you think about this.

PS - Just FYI - for GP's (or anyone really) wanting to be alone with the baby (i.e. no parents either), that it is a HUGE red flag for most Moms.  I'm just sayin'.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 06:00:36 AM
I can't answer for the OP Scoop, but I can answer for myself.  My OS/DIL don't have children yet, but when we were visiting and doing things together, when they were dating and engaged, DIL always managed to have her FOO magically show up.  Then instead of being able to have an adult conversation with DS or her, it became very strained.  If you asked DIL anything, she would answer curtly then look at her Mother.  One or the other eye-rolled or smirked.  If I asked DS anything, her Mother would interject into his answer.  So then he would clam up and be very "one worded" with his answers.  Her Father, is a very nice man who I really like, but if he said anything that seemed to echo anything we were saying, she would jump all over him, so he normally just sat there not saying anything.

When we actually invited her FOO to things on our side of the family, then they would huddle in the corner of the room whispering to each other, and not socialize with anyone.  If we tried to bring them into conversations, they would answer then go back to whispering.  It was very uncomfortable for everyone.  It was like DIL had to have her FOO there so she could say, "See how bad they all are.  I told you", and her FOO could rally around her saying "I see what you mean" and therefore, she got her justification for acting badly.  When you have a very self-centered DIL, she wants people around her that will play into her self-centeredness.  Her FOO are her groupies.

I imagine that if we did have a relationship with them now, and there were children, it would be very hard to be able to play with, talk to or do anything with them without her Mother hovering or saying things.  So I for one, would also love to be able to do things with DS/DIL or GC, without her FOO around, simply because they make it very hard to have a nice visit.  I have no desire to make it a competition, but they would.  And then if we took a stand, we become the bad guys and can't get along.  It's a no-win situation.

So yes, you are right.  It would be awesome to be able to have everyone together and have a great relationship with her FOO.  It wouldn't bother me at all if they were there when we visited, if they were all about equality.  It wouldn't bother me if they were also there because they wanted to see us.  But many of us here are dealing with people that don't want to be there to form a relationship, they want to be there to uphold their DD's stance.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: FAFE on April 05, 2011, 06:08:05 AM
I don't understand why anyone would question the GP's wanting to be along with their gc.  We love having the baby to ourselves.  And, when we do - the parents have brought her to us while they are spending a little time to themselves.  They call US and ask if they can bring her by while they have a meal together, do a little shopping, etc.  We spoil her rotten (a grandparent's thing, don't you know) and then send her home!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 06:17:03 AM
After the weekend I've had, I have serious reservations about leaving DD alone with MIL. I have no idea what I'll feel when the time comes...but MIL and FIL are going to be up for an entire week before DD's birthday.

I will be working, and FIL and DH are working on the house then. I'm not sure what MIL thinks will be going on, but I'm not willing to pull DD out of daycare when I pay $277 a week just so she can have the benefit of alone time with DD. I don't get a refund for days DD isn't at daycare, and since I'll be the one up with her  all night (as I always am when MIL is around) I don't need her schedule and routine thrown off while I have to work and attend school. That sounds like one, sleepless miserable week to me, and I'm planning a birthday party on top of that.

I don't let my mother pull DD out of daycare either, so I think I'm being fair in that respect. My mom does babysit for a few hours at a time when I need her to; and I would love if I could trust MIL enough to respect DD's needs so I could enjoy a nice dinner or shopping with DH, but she isn't cognizant of DD's needs when I'm around. I can't imagine what will happen when I'm not.

I think some (I do imagine MOST, but I'll just say some) GPs are quite capable of watching GKs without totally traumatizing them. My MIL on the other hand...I'm not so sure. It would make my life very easy if I could trust her enough to watch DD, but I don't.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 06:22:35 AM
But, I am also one that wants my FOO to stay very far, far away when the ILs come. I never thought the ILs would have been comfortably with my FOO hovering or hanging around. I expect that they'll see one another at the birthday party and that's it, unless DH's renovation is SO big that he needs 3 people and not 2...then I guess my dad will be around, but that's it.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 05, 2011, 06:42:31 AM
I'd like some clarification on what you mean by alone time- do you mean alone time with your son, DIL, and the GC?  Or do you mean without anyone else except GC?  If you meant the first one, I think you should ask for it next time you are planning to visit.  But make sure not to say anything REMOTELY close to, "well they get to see her alone all the time and we don't."  Don't compare yourselves to the other grandparents at ALL.  That is going to annoy them.  Just simply say you were wondering if the 5 (?) of you could have a day together when you come to visit.  Ask your son, not your DIL.  If he does ask about DIL's family, tell him you have enjoyed the time spent with them, you would just love to spend some "one on one" time with them this trip.  If you don't ask, you'll never know.  I think as long as you're not making comparisons, your son won't get bent out of shape about it. 

But if you were talking about having time alone with just your GC and no one else...yeah, I'd stay clear away from that one.  They will ask you when they are ready. 

I also wouldn't take offense that they don't drive 150 miles to see you with a 2 month old in tow.  Give it some time.  They are still adjusting.

GL!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 07:18:26 AM
I took it as she meant, alone time without the FOO, not alone time with the baby.  That's totally different.  I don't expect alone time with a GC unless the parent's are ok with it.  Parents have different beliefs on that, and it is their choice.  I left my children alone with GPs, but I was ok with that.  I didn't like my MIL, but I never worried about leaving the children with her.  But parents have different opinions on overnights, or leaving their children with people.  That's ok.  That's a parenting choice.

I took it as she was talking about always having the FOO around when they visited. 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 05, 2011, 07:22:46 AM
I figured that was what she meant too, so that's what my reply centered around...but I think different people are interpreting it differently, so I wanted to be sure.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 07:31:43 AM
I  think a few posters are interpreting it to mean alone time with GKs.

But, I really don't think her FOO should be around ALL the time, if at all when you are there. Maybe for dinner or something one night, but that's it. It's uncomfortable enough having to deal with one IL, let alone the IL and all of their family.

Although, I do love all of DHs extended family, but I suppose that's a DIL perspective, not a MIL perspective...that was a family I married into, so it was easy for me to regard them as a package deal.

But, I am also one that has been told that my family has made the ILs feel very unwelcome when they visit due to their scarcity. I suppose by that account, I should feel unwelcome by my own family...I see them just as much with the ILs up as I do when the ILs aren't visiting. You just can't win sometimes; some people will find problems with everything.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 07:36:28 AM
Yes, and we are all dealing with different people, so what works for one, may not work for the rest.  I love all my DH's extended family too Holli, and I knew it was a package deal when I married DH, including the two crazy cousins.  Luckily, he loves mine too, including the two crazy aunts.  My parents like everyone on his side and visa verse.  So no issues to get them all together, or when we visit seperately. 

Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 08:11:30 AM
Scoop.. let's toss that shoe onto the other foot... if every time your mother came to see you, your husband, and grandchild, would it be right for dh to have his mom there the entire time as well?  In my opinion there is a reason extended families are called just that.. extended family.  I had little desire to spend my every moment with my ds/dil and her whole family.... Now I flat out dread it and almost refuse to take part in these types of activities and there are a multitude of reasons.  Add a baby to the mix, when I visit the kids and their little one, that is who I'd like to visit and see a a family unit... even if her family was the greatest most wonderful.. I would still be there to enjoy my son/dil/baby, not everyone else included.

The original poster was stating that the 'other' grandparents visit on a regular basis.. no one is constantly invading their time with their daughter and her family... especially if the other set of gp's are traveling a good distance, someone in this group of adults should say to themselves.. hey wouldn't it be nice if we could back off a little and let the other gps get to know their child as a husband and father. 

My dil relishes and is protective of the time she spends with 'her' family... not once have we EVER been invited outside the wedding to participate in any of their families activities.. not even the birthday celebration that they held for my son... to be honest that is fine, I really have no desire to go to her parents home. Yet, in the last 2 years I can not recall a time when they did not attempt to invade our time with our ds/dil.  My  son once used the excuse "you need to understand Mom, family is important to her" No... her family is important to her.  And like with Pooh, her family's behavior is odd and borderline rude.. thank goodness she has a normal sister(just had to toss that in).

So yes when my grandchild is born, I would at some point like to visit with my son and his wife and get to know their new child without the odd relations being involved.  No red flags need to fly, this isn't an odd request..
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pen on April 05, 2011, 08:53:11 AM
Goldenmom, I have almost the identical sitch, although no GC yet. It hurts. My DS has been absorbed by a shiny new family and we feel like an old car with faded paint and a couple of dings. We might remember golden times when the car was new but now it's an eyesore, and people who never got to ride in it when it was hot off the showroom floor see it as an old, worthless wreck. DIL's FOO sees no value in us past spawning DS.

Why is it that  we moms of sons are usually the ones who have to shut up about the inequality in time spent with our DS/DIL/GC, walk on eggshells, wait for our special time, etc? When is it the DIL's FOO's turn to be last? I put up with it silently because I'm not ready to be cut off, but there are times I want to point out how terribly unfair and deeply painful it is.

As Laurie said, put the shoe (or the bald tire, continuing with the old car analogy) on the other foot (wheel.) If DS's FOO was always around, wouldn't it be weird? They gave the splashy grad party/birthday for DS to which we were not invited. It's going to be worse when GC arrive. My friends love being grandparents. I'm not looking forward to it; isn't that sad? 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 09:09:28 AM
It is sad Pen and exactly where I'm at.. my dil is pregnant with her first, this will be ours and her parents first grandchild and there is a large part of the joy being overshadowed by what is coming down the pike... The week before their big announcement I had talked to my son and not so joking said that I will be known as Grandma Who.   It's coming.. I was crying in a pm to Holli  just yesterday about how it's already being set up.. how I feel that my dil took something that I said and twisted it in order to make me the bad guy thus closing the gate in our face and trying to show my son that only her parents will love and care about this child. So unnecessary
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: luise.volta on April 05, 2011, 09:21:11 AM
And so calculatingly cruel. Sendding love...
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 05, 2011, 09:28:02 AM
Can you please tell me why as adults and parents , we continue to put up with the treatment
that is doled out to us by our own kids or in law kids ?
No respect whatsoever in most cases .
Yet when they were children , we wouldn't have stood for that treatment for a second !
What makes us become like this ?
as I read these posts of parents and grandparents with breaking hearts , it makes me mad !
We let them ride rough shod over us time after time with out a word from us in remand .

Sorry to rant ...but there are too many decent people here suffering needlessly .
mostly from our offspring that we have lovingly brought up the best we can , to be discarded
like an old rag that they no longer need !


now all you nice DIL , please don't take any offense at this old biddy , but I needed to say that .. ::)
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 09:28:54 AM
Quote from: Pen on April 05, 2011, 08:53:11 AM
I put up with it silently because I'm not ready to be cut off, but there are times I want to point out how terribly unfair and deeply painful it is.

Pen, I still think you should point it out too. DIL said to you that the holidays aren't as important to you as they are to her family--a corerction of that perception MIGHT help, it might not. But, at least she would know where you stand, and she wouldn't need to continue insulting your intelligence by saying things like that anymore.

Have you explained to her that they are just as important, but you aren't willing to coerce/push/force her into visits? If she is going to leave herself wide open like that, I'd be itching to give her an explanation.

I don't really believe she thinks they are more important to her family, but if she's going to continue repeating it, you might as well set her straight about that. I don't think you would chide/whine/yell or overreact to it. You could very nicely, very matter of factly get your point across.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Scoop on April 05, 2011, 09:50:23 AM
Shoe on the other foot - okay!

Whenever we're invited to my DB's house, my SIL's P's and sometimes her sibs are invited too.  I like my SIL's family and I don't mind seeing EVERYONE.  I usually manage to find time to chit-chat with my DB & the DN's.

Whenever we go to my IL's, my SIL & her family spend time with us.  Often, SIL's IL's will be at her house, if it's a celebratory supper.  I have no problem with that.  I like her IL's (better than my own).

Whenever I go "home" to visit my best friend, we try and all get together, so I never see "just" my best friend, it's always a group of friends, DH's & kids.  It's fun.

My DD's birthday falls on a major holiday, for her first 3 birthdays, the IL's stayed at our house for the weekend and my parents stayed at my brothers.  We spent a LOT of time together, but my parents got along with my IL's, and it was actually EASIER for me, because Mom served as a buffer. 

And even then, my parents would eventually leave, and they weren't there at the crack of dawn, so my DH got to spend time alone with his parents.  I think we need more information, because if GoldenMom and her DH were staying at DS's house, and DIL's P's weren't there from sun up to sun down, then yes, they did get time alone with the little family.

I know that the situation is different when the 2 sets of IL's don't get along.  An uncomfortable weekend is not fun.  But if that were the case, don't you think GoldenMom would have complained about her DIL's P's being mean/rude/whatever? And not just about "not spending alone time with the little family"?  I'm just pointing that out, because we can all interpret things differently, and that's how I interpreted her post.

I would also like to point out that the baby is 2 months old.  That's a small time frame to make a judgment call.

To GoldenMom - how often have you visited in these 2 months?  And were there any family-type celebrations (birthdays, anniversaries, ect) that could justify both families being there?

-+-+-+-+-+-+-

RE: one-on-one time with the GK's.

My red flag would go up if someone INSISTED on alone-time with my child.  If someone even insinuated that the time they spent with my child, when I was there "didn't count" because they were not ALONE with my child, they would never be allowed to be ALONE with my child.  Because, what are you going to do when you're alone with my child, that you can't do when I'm there?

This is not what happened in this post, I know that, it's just that the first (or second) person who responded mentioned something about requesting "alone time with the sweet little baby" and I wanted to make sure that GoldenMom knew that this might not go over well.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 05, 2011, 10:15:17 AM
Quote from: Scoop on April 05, 2011, 09:50:23 AM
I-+-+-+-+-+-+-

RE: one-on-one time with the GK's.

My red flag would go up if someone INSISTED on alone-time with my child.  If someone even insinuated that the time they spent with my child, when I was there "didn't count" because they were not ALONE with my child, they would never be allowed to be ALONE with my child.  Because, what are you going to do when you're alone with my child, that you can't do when I'm there?

This is not what happened in this post, I know that, it's just that the first (or second) person who responded mentioned something about requesting "alone time with the sweet little baby" and I wanted to make sure that GoldenMom knew that this might not go over well.

When my SIL eventually has a baby, I would LOVE to have "alone" time with DN. Maybe babysit for the weekend or something (especially when they are a little older). I would never insist on it. For me it isn't a matter of "what am I going to d that I wouldn't do if parent were present" like I'd do something bad, but the parent watching me like a hawk makes me overly nervous. Like, am I holding the kid right, are they going to cry, if they cry am I being "bad." It just makes me overly self-concious.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 10:17:31 AM
Yes I agree insisting on alone time with a infant would be odd at best and I would be concerned about a request such as that.. not to say that I would not leave my child alone with someone, but the demands would not bode well.

When I'm with my entire family we have fun, it's good... but it would have been so unfair of me to say to my dh's family that this is the only time that they would get to visit and learn to know their grandchildren.  With us this problem has been ongoing, and will only become more irritating after the baby is born... these people are not my family, I am not at the same comfort level with them as I am with my ds/dil alone.  It's not a matter of disliking them, it's once again feeling like we are being force fed her extended family one appendage at a time.  Meanwhile her family has an entirely different set of boundaries..oh wait they have no boundaries, they are welcome to come and go and intervene in ds/dil daily lives at will.  But it's often explained that this other set of parents/grandparents cherish and love their time with ds/dil/ and soon to be child combo. Why.. because as my son has informed us.. family is important to his wife. 

Scoop if your mother was coming for a visit, I just can't see you being thrilled about your mil showing up at the same exact time. 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 05, 2011, 10:24:02 AM
I sure as heck wouldn't like it.  In fact, I DIDN'T like it when I had my ILs trying to cram themselves down my throat and get my parents to join them in one big happy family tradition for every holiday so they didn't have to cope with time apart from my DH.  I was all about spending time separately with each family.  I believe that is a reasonable request no matter the source.  My parents didn't even "dislike" my ILs, they just came from two totally different worlds and it was awkward. 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pen on April 05, 2011, 10:29:45 AM
"Family is important to his wife." We know how that feels because family is important to us too!

I think in my case DIL's FOO doesn't see us as humans who are capable of having feelings and emotions. We aren't thought of the same. I'm not sure if it's from their desire to be the only ones in DIL & DS's lives or from a real predjudice against us. Doesn't matter, I guess...it hurts all the same.

Laurie, we started being set up for non-GP status right after the wedding. Hints were given...DS claims he won't allow it, but he won't cause WW III over it either, I suspect.

Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 05, 2011, 10:30:52 AM
Family is important to her...what a cop out.  That would make me so mad.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 10:37:47 AM
Quote from: Pen on April 05, 2011, 10:29:45 AM
"Family is important to his wife." We know how that feels because family is important to us too!

I think in my case DIL's FOO doesn't see us as humans who are capable of having feelings and emotions. We aren't thought of the same. I'm not sure if it's from their desire to be the only ones in DIL & DS's lives or from a real predjudice against us. Doesn't matter, I guess...it hurts all the same.

Which is why I think a correction as to the facts is more than warranted. Don't let her say/imply things about you and your family that are on their face a lie.

1.) Her behavior  may change after you mention that family is just as important to you. OR
2.) She will have to come up a better reason than that.

You might as well let her creative juices flow. There are certain things, in my mind, that you just don't say. And, "Family is important to her" is one of them.

It's a shoddy argument.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 10:39:26 AM
It's a matter of basic respect... when my son was being deployed the first time.. her parents went to visit the kids two  weeks before the deployment date.. they stayed for almost a week.. had a good fun visit.  With only days left before he deployment we had arrangements to see our ds.. he had not seen his brother or sister in a while, it was actually set up so the kids could spend an evening together, then we were coming up the next day to spent time with all three kids, and my dil.. Then here they come.. the time the kids had alone turned into her family event with ds/brother and sister being drug along doing what her family wanted to do with the day.... still not good enough they wanted to also be with  us the following day, that was when I blew a cork. 

I seem to have enough respect for dil's family to not invade their week long visit with the kids.. I have enough respect for my ds/dil's marriage not to be there when she says her final goodbyes as he is heading out the door and their first real separation. I have enough respect not to be there when he arrives back home... So why is it that my dil and her family have NO respect for our family or our love for our son. 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 05, 2011, 10:41:06 AM
Pen, I agree with holli- if she is saying something to imply you feel a certain way (or don't feel a certain way) and it isn't true- you are doing nothing wrong by correcting that assumption.  I sure would. 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 05, 2011, 10:50:26 AM
Before my GD was born I would never have imagined that I wouldn't be involved with her life
as we all got on so well ...how wrong was I !!
Before the Gk's come along , I think a gentle reminder to your own DS /DD that you would like to be
involved with your Gk's life . this is not a demand in any way , just a reminder that you are there .
We don't want to be pushy GP's , but neither do we want to left on the back burner .
Mr F/DIL reminded me that I couldn't possibly hope to have a mother/daughter relationship with her .
however , I pointed out that I still would like a relationship with my own GD .
They are still part of us , regardless of which sibling , son or daughter , had them .

I hope they now realise that I'm not going to disappear , nor sit  quietly in a corner , but neither
do I rant and rave about seeing my GD. at the moment I see her once every three weeks at their
invitation . They only live 20 miles away . I have looked after her once on my own , she is now 14 months and that was for two hours . We can't insist that we see them but a request surely
can't harm or worry anyone . 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 10:57:30 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 05, 2011, 10:41:06 AM
Pen, I agree with holli- if she is saying something to imply you feel a certain way (or don't feel a certain way) and it isn't true- you are doing nothing wrong by correcting that assumption.  I sure would.

I agree with both Holli and OW.  Is it worse to walk on eggshells, worried about every little thing you say or do, to be insulted and degraded, to be made to feel like a person you are not,  than to chance losing the ability to see DS?

That's the question each person has to ask themselves.  I took door number 2, because door number 1 wasn't a relationship, it was a dictatorship. 
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 05, 2011, 10:58:25 AM
Quote from: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 10:37:47 AM
1.) Her behavior  may change after you mention that family is just as important to you. OR
2.) She will have to come up a better reason than that.


Woah! My MIL plays the "Family is important to me card." I told her that MY family is JUST as important to me which is why we can't make it to all the get together or give her both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.... She didn't change, it made her more *bleep* about the situation than she had been before.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 11:04:39 AM
But, ADil, at least you made your point and your feelings heard. Sometimes that, in itself, goes a long way.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 11:16:02 AM
But did you say it in English or Klingon'ish
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 05, 2011, 11:20:52 AM
Quote from: Laurie on April 05, 2011, 11:16:02 AM
But did you say it in English or Klingon'ish

Oh, Hu'tegh! I must've said it in Klingon. No wonder she doesn't understand me.... LOL
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 06, 2011, 03:21:39 PM
Christmas 2010 was the worst I've ever encountered .
My GD first one , presents wrapped , extra twinkly lights inside and out , waiting to see the wonder on
the little one's face ......never happened !
F/DIL spent all the Christmas Holidays with her FOO and my docile DS in tow ! Plus New Year's too ..
this is what brought all the tension to a head , and according to my Doc , my heart problem !
So please think on when doling out precious time with the GP's , we're only human .
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pen on April 06, 2011, 05:27:50 PM
LL, how sad for you and the GC. I always wanted my kids to have more love, not less...what is up with these people? Perhaps there are families who would love a gran to spoil the kids. We could have used one! I know it's not the same as your very own GC, but at least you'd be appreciated. I'm planning on finding such a set up if worse comes to worst regarding any future GC.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 07, 2011, 01:02:08 AM
Pen .......talking about rent a granny.  !  My DD  has two  friends who are both expecting . Their own FOO are miles away so this granny has been adopted and have my knitting orders already .....It's nice to know some new mums need a squidgy granny to cuddle their babies .....and this granny is only too pleased to fill that gap .With no blood ties ,things seem less complicated somehow .Anyway the pins are clicking away .Looking forward to a housefull of babies ......
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: misunderstood on April 07, 2011, 01:03:01 AM
LL - that's really sad that you didn't get to see GD and that the stress has made you ill.  Did you invite them over and them not show up?
However, i think its a little unfair to always blame the dil, DS is a parent also as well as being your son, he could and should actively encourage your relationship.  How old is your GD?  Did he not invite you over or even suggest an alternative date to get together?  Is GD too young to leave mother, could he not pop over (if not breastfed) with GD as I think you said you only live 20 mins away?   I know in my situation I am blamed for every perceived negative action and DH is credited with every positive, although oftentimes I am the one suggesting him to call or do something together. 

Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: misunderstood on April 07, 2011, 01:05:01 AM
LL that's a really positive step, sharing love with those who have need.

Yes often outside of family relationships work better as the expectations are fewer and you normally befriend the type of person you get along with.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 07, 2011, 01:46:12 AM
Hello M....
It's a long story , perhaps old news now ...
It was a difficult time between DIL and myself . After asking about their plans over and over for weeks before Xmas
with no response , I thought perhaps they would fit me in for one day .No plans were made however and I only learnt of their plans on Christmas Day . I asked if I could drop by and drop GD presents off , I was told a certain time as they would be travelling
back from DIL FOO .! As for my DS you are absolutely right ! . His mind is mush where his partner is concerned , where she leads
he will follow . Since then , there have been lots of '' discussions '' and now I am considered where visits are concerned .
The best thing for me is ...my GD and I get on like a house on fire . she is only 14 months old and clings to me like a pet
monkey !! she cries when I leave the room , so they won't be able to leave me behind now ....lol
As for my DS bringing her over on his own .....you have no idea the problems this would create ....my DIL and her family are
a unit , and travel as one !To my knowledge he hasn't himself been allowed out alone with his DD !!  Does anyone know
of a family DIL/SIL relationship without any issues ?  Oh for a quiet life .....lol
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: luise.volta on April 07, 2011, 05:33:16 AM
I do. After all of the agony that came with my estranged, eldest son and his wife (who loved to pour fuel on the fire)...there's our Webmaster, here, Kirk, who is also my son and his wonderful partner, Sandy. There hasn't been a ripple of anything but love, understanding, respect and partnership in our relationship...and it's going on two decades!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: misunderstood on April 07, 2011, 06:32:26 AM
That's nice to know Luise.

I'm convinced problems with in laws either way are to do with expectations.  That people on both sides have unrealistic expectations and then are upset/angry when things don't work out the way they "expect" them too.

My MIL, when asked, told me her list of expectations, ie every holiday, every birthday, 4 weekends a year alone with DH, gifts for every occassions, that she be put before my DD needs, to be welcome whenever they choose to visit, that we would give up our bedrooms and entertain them each day whenever they visited etc etc.  Unfortunately I was so taken aback I did laugh, because I could not honestly believe she was expecting to dictate our entire married life.  I then did explain that we (DH and Myself) would decide between us what time we had for his family, in consultation with them, that visits would need to be mutually convenient, that DH could no longer take the week off everytime they visit as he did before marriage, that his holidays would have to take into account other things now.  That in this house unfortunately we don't have room for them to stay, so they would have to stay in hotel like they do when visiting both of their other children, but are welcome to join us for dinner in the evening etc.  I'm now seen as the wicked daughter in law. But MIL will make no "allowances" for the fact we have a 11 y o DD, and therefore have different needs to adults.  Since then she has continued to be awkward, nothing we do is good enough, no offers for compromise are met (ie if we come for Christmas we need to at least allow dd to open some of her gifts before 6pm).  Her words are her family her rules her way.  So we didn't go, and she bad mouthes me to all and sundry.  Its not fair.  As a mother she should beable to see that its obvious that DD, DH and my needs need to be taken into account aswell as her, her husband and BIL and SIL's. 

I dread having children as she has already told me how its going to be.  Sorry MIL, but we as parents get to decide what, when and how we deal with OUR children, some of your ideas may be good, some may not fit with our lives in the way they fitted in yours when you raised your children.  And dare I say it some we just won't like.  We have no objections to you seeing any future GC but all children in this home will be treated equally (as far as age and ability allow).  We are not however likely to be sending a young baby/child to stay with you on its own regularly, (a you live 5 hours away, b we like to spend time as a family unit and c you keep telling us FIL is very ill and cannot do any active things or cope with disturbed sleep), that is not your right. When GC are older and able to do things on their own then perhaps, if they know you well and want to we'll look at the circumstances at the time.  I very rarely went out without my DD 1  and both DH and I have said that we don't plan to be any different with future children, with DD 11, we had our honeymoon whilst she was holidaying with friends, and only once in the 7 months since asked anyone to have her over night.  We have our time together alone when she's at a club or activity or even occasionally whilst she's at school.  Its how we choose to live, and raise children.  They may have left their children with any and everybody but neither dh or i enjoyed that existence.  If GPs want to take GC to park or for ice cream no problem - keep them for a week 5 hours away no way.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: luise.volta on April 07, 2011, 06:54:46 AM
We can never generalize, of course...and that said...the new family unit makes the rules...(just like the old one did.) Sending love...
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pooh on April 07, 2011, 07:04:13 AM
There are always going to be expectations, on both sides.  It's when the two sides can respect and understand the other sides expectations, working to find an agreeable compromise,  that good relationships happen.  It is also when one side turns their expectations (or both sides) into demands, that relationships fail. 

On this forum, it seems most of the issues are when one side makes all the compromises while the other side stands rigid.  That standard seems to be the norm here whether it is IL, DIL, SIL, DS, DD, GC, FIL, MIL, etc.

Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: luise.volta on April 07, 2011, 07:38:43 AM
...and once in a while we have a situation where both "sides" stand rigid. Curtains...
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 07, 2011, 07:40:27 AM
Quote from: Pooh on April 07, 2011, 07:04:13 AM
There are always going to be expectations, on both sides.  It's when the two sides can respect and understand the other sides expectations, working to find an agreeable compromise,  that good relationships happen.  It is also when one side turns their expectations (or both sides) into demands, that relationships fail. 

Wise words, Pooh. Yes, compromise fixes relationships but demands break them. And they are usually demands for stupid things like "I will NOT allow my child to cal that woman Grandma because she is DH's STEP-Mother!"

Seriously? It's ridiculous. Why ruin a relationship over something so silly?
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pooh on April 07, 2011, 08:12:13 AM
It is truly sad and ridiculous.  People are treating people as if they are disposable. 

I shall consider myself not disposable, but a recyclable!   ;D
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pen on April 07, 2011, 08:42:30 AM
Some people aren't concerned with the feelings of others. If their goal is getting rid of the other party as if that party never existed, they certainly aren't going to be interested in a compromise. I wonder what name the professionals have given that syndrome, LOL?
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on April 07, 2011, 08:47:54 AM
I really do believe that many relationships fail simply because one party never wanted a relationship in the first place. Seems like there is no solution for that, other than an attitude change.

Pen, that made me LOL without a question mark.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 07, 2011, 08:49:21 AM
misunderstood:

I take any visits or invitations whenever they are offered , full stop !
No demands , just a little consideration now and again . seems to be working .

Isn't it wonderful when it works ..... :)

Pooh :
I think thats called Extinct Syndrome ...!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 07, 2011, 08:52:29 AM
Pen :.......Sorry ....its these meds ......making me go doolally ....lol I do apologise ..... :)
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pen on April 07, 2011, 09:07:05 AM
At least you have an excuse  ;)

No worries.

I call it "Spawn and Die" since I feel like a salmon who has done her duty and has swum back upstream to await her fate while the young 'uns swim free in the big, shiny ocean. Sorry, we had roasted salmon for supper last night...and I'm having a bit of a rough go today.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: lancaster lady on April 07, 2011, 09:13:16 AM
My heart aches for you Pen ....you never catch a break ....wish we could have a coffee and a chat ....then I could give you a big
<<<<HUG >>>  :)
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pooh on April 07, 2011, 09:20:20 AM
Pen..Pooh.. bah....we knew what you meant!

And Pen, that gave me a good ole' LOL too!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pen on April 07, 2011, 09:37:45 AM
Thanks guys. I wish you could be here too. The coffee is great, the view is stupendous. I really have nothing to whine about when I think of all that's going on in the world. {{{Hugs}}} back to you!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: luise.volta on April 07, 2011, 11:51:23 AM
Atta girl, Pen! Sending love...
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Rose799 on May 03, 2011, 09:14:28 PM
I'd want to spend time alone as a family before a child of mine was deployed too, Laurie, & whether or not it appeared as a 4 year old tantrum or a rabid dog on a rampage, so be it.   Some mothers are just that way.   :)
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on May 03, 2011, 09:31:15 PM
I would think rabidity and temper tantrums wouldn't be necessary at all...

Why? Because it's just one of those "boundary" things. I know when it comes to goodbyes, my parents dont' rank as high on my DH's list as his own do.

Somehow, my parents are 100% totally okay with that, and made sure to say their goodbyes in advance and make sure to give DH much needed time with his parents. Even if they were invited (MIL loves a large crowd), their answer is respectfully, "No."
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Rose799 on May 03, 2011, 09:36:42 PM
...in a perfect world, it would work out like that.  But some people have no sense of boundaries.   I will admit though, I can't actually recall having to pull the rabid dog scenario.   :)
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on May 03, 2011, 10:59:20 PM
I don't think I did an impersonation of a rabid dog... I just firmly stood my ground.  Now that our wonderful new friend Dolt has been removed after only one posting do you think her post can be as well since it was totally uncalled for in every conceivable manner.. I would greatly appreciate that.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Rose799 on May 03, 2011, 11:28:46 PM
Quote from: Laurie on May 03, 2011, 10:59:20 PM
I don't think I did an impersonation of a rabid dog... I just firmly stood my ground.  Now that our wonderful new friend Dolt has been removed after only one posting do you think her post can be as well since it was totally uncalled for in every conceivable manner.. I would greatly appreciate that.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it in that light, Laurie.  But honestly, if given the same set of circumstances, I may well have come off looking a little iffy on the rabid test.  There are some lines that just shouldn't be crossed.  That was one of them.  Mine was crossed when fmil pressed dd to go shopping together for her wedding dress while I was out of town.   

Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 03:55:39 AM
Rose, she didn't! That is unbelievable.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 05:32:43 AM
I removed all mentions of the person that came in here last night at attacked a member. I don't see the point in keeping her post or the others up there (including my own), since she is no longer a member. I didn't feel that her post contributed anything but a waste of time to this topic. 

In lieu of locking what is otherwise a very nice and supportive board, I thought it best. If you do have a complaint about it, you can use this post to "report to moderator" and I will do my best to take everything I can into consideration.  I'm totally learning as I go here, so please be patient.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: tryingmybest on May 04, 2011, 05:47:31 AM
No problems at all with your decision, IMO it was the right one. I hate to see this board attacked by sad angry people. you are doing a great job!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Kara487 on May 04, 2011, 05:51:16 AM
I dont see anything wrong about sharing time with the other grandparents.Just because you dont personally like them .
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 05:53:58 AM
Hi Kara,

Welcome to the Forum. If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement under "Open Me First."

I hope you've had a chance to read some posts and you like what you see! The ladies here are very welcoming and are wonderful at offering support, empathy and friendship, so hopefully you will find it comfortable here! Again, welcome!
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Kara487 on May 04, 2011, 05:58:02 AM
Thanks Holly.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: LaurieS on May 04, 2011, 06:10:50 AM
Quote from: Kara487 on May 04, 2011, 05:51:16 AM
I dont see anything wrong about sharing time with the other grandparents.Just because you dont personally like them .

Guess I'm lost yet again... what other grandparents are you referring to?


Rose it's ok..I just have this fear of rabid dogs, they drool and slobber .. Tasmanian Devil is more my style :)
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 04, 2011, 06:39:29 AM
Quote from: Laurie on May 04, 2011, 06:10:50 AM
Rose it's ok..I just have this fear of rabid dogs, they drool and slobber .. Tasmanian Devil is more my style :)

O.M.G. lol Tasmanian Devil. Really? Taz was my nickname when I was little lol My mom said that when I got soooo mad they thought I would start spinning around like one! LOL
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Rose799 on May 04, 2011, 07:25:29 AM
Thanks, Laurie, I was actually trying to make a bad situation better, & wound up with my foot in my mouth... 

Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 07:28:55 AM
No you didn't , Rose.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 04, 2011, 08:00:10 AM
Hello, My name is Anonymous. And I too suffer from foot in mouth syndrome.  :-[ LOL
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Rose799 on May 04, 2011, 08:28:15 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 04, 2011, 08:00:10 AM
Hello, My name is Anonymous. And I too suffer from foot in mouth syndrome.  :-[ LOL

My name is Rose, it's nice to meet you ADIL...  :)
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pen on May 04, 2011, 08:46:07 AM
Welcome, Kara. I'm confused too..what other grandparents?
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Kara487 on May 04, 2011, 09:49:16 AM
Her Dil parents. They would be the other Grandparents.
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: overwhelmed123 on May 04, 2011, 09:54:08 AM
Kara, I don't believe the problem is that anybody dislikes another set of grandparents at all.  Have you read the entirety of the thread?
Title: Re: Help...I do not know what to do.
Post by: Pooh on May 04, 2011, 06:55:03 PM
Welcome Kara487.

I dislike several people but can still be at the same place with them and treat them respect, equality and civility.  It's not a matter of dislike with me, it's a matter of we don't get the same civility, equality or respect in return.  It's also not a matter of them being the other grandparents.  I would feel the same way if it was anyone there that treated us badly.