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Hi everyone, I'm new here and looking for advice from a MIL perspective. Thanks in advance for reading, it's very long lol. I don't think my my MIL is a bad person and I think (or at least I thought) those feelings are mutual. I'm expecting my first baby which is also the first grandchild on both sides. I would never keep any of the grandparents totally out of my baby's life unless they were hurting her, but there's a difference between just having obligatory monthly grandparent visits and including grandparents regularly. At the present moment I'm not particularly looking forward to MIL being involved and that is NOT how I want it to be. I want to be happy to have her around.
1. She calls the baby growing inside of me "my baby" or "our girl" as if she is the mother rather than a grandmother. She has never referred to the baby as her grandchild, hasn't picked out a grandma name yet, and says she feels weird thinking of herself as a grandmother. The first time she called the baby hers, I told her lightheartedly that her baby is in the kitchen (my DH). Another time when she said she was glad to see a picture of "our baby" I said "I'm glad you enjoyed seeing your grandchild" back, but again in a non confrontational tone so I'm not sure she gets the picture.
2. She touches my belly without asking everytime we see her. I don't mind when most people do this, I know they're just excited. But before my belly was big, MIL told me how annoying/rude it was when people start touching your belly without asking. And then the first time she did it she paused and said, "Sorry I know it's so annoying when people touch like it's not part of your body, but I'm the grandmother so I'm allowed" and then continued touching my belly without waiting for my response. If she thinks it's rude to touch without asking, why doesn't she ask me first? I would said yes. I can't stand the "I'm the grandmother so I will do whatever I want regardless of your feelings" attitude and I fear it will continue when the baby is here. Like, is she going to think she can snatch the baby out of my arms because "she's the grandmother?". I haven't said anything about this because the fact of the matter is I don't mind the touching of the belly, I mind her entitled attitude and it's hard to express that.
3. Showed us some bibs she got to keep at her house and instead of saying something like, "so I'd love to help babysit sometimes" proclaimed, "so iiii get to have her(the baby) sometimes" in a pushy tone. The former would've been appreciated but the latter makes me not want to ask her to babysit ever. Again it's not that she wants to see the baby, it's the entitled attitude about it. Noone other than DH and myself are entitled to "have" our daughter.
4. Keeps suggesting we name the baby after herself. We haven't asked for name suggestions at all.
5. I figured maybe I am overreacting to these things and even if not, maybe going out of my way to make MIL feel included would help the situation. So I invited her to one of my ultrasounds that DH couldn't make it to. My own mom also came and even offered to drive MIL since they live near eachother. The first thing out of MIL's mouth when we got to the scan was asking my mom if this was the first one she had been too as well (my mom had been to one other but she didn't feel the need to share this with MIL). It's possible she was just making conversation but I get the vibe it was competitive. At the end, MIL rubbed my belly (without asking of course) and said to it, "don't forget I'm the favorite" and then when my mom and I said nothing she said, "haha just kidding there are no favorites". Maybe she was "just kidding", but if my own mom had joked that in front of MIL I would've been like WTH are you thinking, that's rude even in jest. But since it was MIL I didn't say anything. Thankfully when I talked to my mom about it later, she said it didn't bother her she thinks MIL is just insecure.
I know most of these things are not big deals on their own. I think there are two reasons why they get to me so much:
1. Since DH and I started dating MIL has done little things that make me feel excluded. Nothing so mean that I could make a big deal of it, but enough that I feel like she doesn't really think of me as part of her family. I don't think it's against me personally, I think she would do this to any of her son's GF/wives (in fact she does it worse to DH's brother's GF whom she personally dislikes). Before DH and I got married I figured well we aren't married so I'm not technically part of her family so I can't fault her. But even now when we're married she doesn't make me feel included. For example, this Christmas was the first DH and I spent together (first married!). I volunteered to go to his parents' this year. They have a tradition of everyone opening stockings together on Xmas morning. MIL fills everyone's except her own and FIL does hers. She knew weeks ahead of time I was coming and didn't bother to do one for me. Christmas Eve afternoon she told me, "Oh I should've gotten you a stocking...Next year". I can't imagine it just slipped her mind while she was getting stuff to fill her sons' and husbands' stocking to get one for me too (and if that were the case, the stores were still open when she 'realized', she could've went to the dollar store or gas station 5 min down the road).
2. She and FIL seem to want the perks of being grandparents but haven't shown any interest in helping us. I'm due in 11 weeks and her +FIL don't ever ask how I'm feeling, haven't gotten anything for the baby, and haven't inquired what we need at all. I know they aren't obligated to get anything for the baby... but then we aren't obligated to give them special grandparent treatment (you don't get to say she's your baby, we aren't naming her after you, you don't get to demand to have her, etc). It should be noted they are quite well off financially so it's not as if they aren't able. My parents, on the other hand, have been amazing. They've gotten us a crib, changing table, high chair, swing, paid for my unexpected prenatal bills, bring us groceries frequently, and are hosting a shower including DH's side since MIL doesn't want to host one. And they don't act entitled to the baby , just excited for her. Metaphorically speaking it's like my parents are working their butts off asking for nothing whereas my inlaws show up late every day and are demanding a raise ( mostly the moms on both sides). Who do you think I'm feeling more inclined to include?
So I think the reason MIL's attitude of entitlement to the baby bothers me because 1. she didn't and sometimes still doesn't make me feel included in her immediate family so it's hard to want to make her feel included in mine and 2. she hasn't done anything to help or showed concern for me during this pregnancy, and given that my mom has been amazing it's making it really easy to want to include my mom in everything and MIL in the bare minimum. Like "you don't care about me or about helping, you just want my baby, and that's not happening".
That said, I would like to give MIL the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't intend to come across like she is. That what she meant when she said "Iiiii get to have her" is "I would love to help babysit", that when she touches my belly without asking she's doing so because she thinks I don't mind, not because she just doesn't care if she's being rude to me. That when she calls my baby hers, she isn't trying to lay claim to my kid like it's hers, she just feels old saying she has a grandchild. That when she "forgets" to include me in her family stocking tradition, it's not to hurt me, she's just having trouble coming to terms that it will never be just her, FIL, and their sons again. The thing is, even if I give her the benefit of the doubt for these things, it'd be nice if they could stop happening. Pretty sure I will go bonkers if she tries to snatch the baby out of my arms unsolicited like touching my belly without asking.
I think my MIL is a good person (she raised the person I decided to spend my life with afterall!) and is probably scared of being "the other grandmother" and that's why she's been doing and saying some of these things. So MILs, how do I gently (preferably non confrontationally) let her know that if she acts helpful rather than pushy I will be happy to have her around? On the other hand, if she does whatever she wants with the baby despite my wishes "because she's the grandmother" I will hate having her around. That if she wants to be included in all of the fun stuff later, then it would be nice if she could help with the less fun stuff now like my mom is doing. And that all of this would also apply to my mom if it were the other way around. Additionally, in the same way I go out of my way to make her feel included by doing things like inviting her wedding dress shopping, asking her to help pick wedding decorations with my mom and I, and inviting her to the ultrasound, it would be nice if she could do the same for me with things like the stocking. I ask this because if I were in her shoes, I would want to be told rather than have my DIL silently be annoyed and eventually not want me around. She can't change if I don't give her a chance, ya know. And I would like to leave my husband out of this as I try to refrain from saying anything negative about his parents to him.
1. She calls the baby growing inside of me "my baby" or "our girl" as if she is the mother rather than a grandmother. She has never referred to the baby as her grandchild, hasn't picked out a grandma name yet, and says she feels weird thinking of herself as a grandmother. The first time she called the baby hers, I told her lightheartedly that her baby is in the kitchen (my DH). Another time when she said she was glad to see a picture of "our baby" I said "I'm glad you enjoyed seeing your grandchild" back, but again in a non confrontational tone so I'm not sure she gets the picture.
2. She touches my belly without asking everytime we see her. I don't mind when most people do this, I know they're just excited. But before my belly was big, MIL told me how annoying/rude it was when people start touching your belly without asking. And then the first time she did it she paused and said, "Sorry I know it's so annoying when people touch like it's not part of your body, but I'm the grandmother so I'm allowed" and then continued touching my belly without waiting for my response. If she thinks it's rude to touch without asking, why doesn't she ask me first? I would said yes. I can't stand the "I'm the grandmother so I will do whatever I want regardless of your feelings" attitude and I fear it will continue when the baby is here. Like, is she going to think she can snatch the baby out of my arms because "she's the grandmother?". I haven't said anything about this because the fact of the matter is I don't mind the touching of the belly, I mind her entitled attitude and it's hard to express that.
3. Showed us some bibs she got to keep at her house and instead of saying something like, "so I'd love to help babysit sometimes" proclaimed, "so iiii get to have her(the baby) sometimes" in a pushy tone. The former would've been appreciated but the latter makes me not want to ask her to babysit ever. Again it's not that she wants to see the baby, it's the entitled attitude about it. Noone other than DH and myself are entitled to "have" our daughter.
4. Keeps suggesting we name the baby after herself. We haven't asked for name suggestions at all.
5. I figured maybe I am overreacting to these things and even if not, maybe going out of my way to make MIL feel included would help the situation. So I invited her to one of my ultrasounds that DH couldn't make it to. My own mom also came and even offered to drive MIL since they live near eachother. The first thing out of MIL's mouth when we got to the scan was asking my mom if this was the first one she had been too as well (my mom had been to one other but she didn't feel the need to share this with MIL). It's possible she was just making conversation but I get the vibe it was competitive. At the end, MIL rubbed my belly (without asking of course) and said to it, "don't forget I'm the favorite" and then when my mom and I said nothing she said, "haha just kidding there are no favorites". Maybe she was "just kidding", but if my own mom had joked that in front of MIL I would've been like WTH are you thinking, that's rude even in jest. But since it was MIL I didn't say anything. Thankfully when I talked to my mom about it later, she said it didn't bother her she thinks MIL is just insecure.
I know most of these things are not big deals on their own. I think there are two reasons why they get to me so much:
1. Since DH and I started dating MIL has done little things that make me feel excluded. Nothing so mean that I could make a big deal of it, but enough that I feel like she doesn't really think of me as part of her family. I don't think it's against me personally, I think she would do this to any of her son's GF/wives (in fact she does it worse to DH's brother's GF whom she personally dislikes). Before DH and I got married I figured well we aren't married so I'm not technically part of her family so I can't fault her. But even now when we're married she doesn't make me feel included. For example, this Christmas was the first DH and I spent together (first married!). I volunteered to go to his parents' this year. They have a tradition of everyone opening stockings together on Xmas morning. MIL fills everyone's except her own and FIL does hers. She knew weeks ahead of time I was coming and didn't bother to do one for me. Christmas Eve afternoon she told me, "Oh I should've gotten you a stocking...Next year". I can't imagine it just slipped her mind while she was getting stuff to fill her sons' and husbands' stocking to get one for me too (and if that were the case, the stores were still open when she 'realized', she could've went to the dollar store or gas station 5 min down the road).
2. She and FIL seem to want the perks of being grandparents but haven't shown any interest in helping us. I'm due in 11 weeks and her +FIL don't ever ask how I'm feeling, haven't gotten anything for the baby, and haven't inquired what we need at all. I know they aren't obligated to get anything for the baby... but then we aren't obligated to give them special grandparent treatment (you don't get to say she's your baby, we aren't naming her after you, you don't get to demand to have her, etc). It should be noted they are quite well off financially so it's not as if they aren't able. My parents, on the other hand, have been amazing. They've gotten us a crib, changing table, high chair, swing, paid for my unexpected prenatal bills, bring us groceries frequently, and are hosting a shower including DH's side since MIL doesn't want to host one. And they don't act entitled to the baby , just excited for her. Metaphorically speaking it's like my parents are working their butts off asking for nothing whereas my inlaws show up late every day and are demanding a raise ( mostly the moms on both sides). Who do you think I'm feeling more inclined to include?
So I think the reason MIL's attitude of entitlement to the baby bothers me because 1. she didn't and sometimes still doesn't make me feel included in her immediate family so it's hard to want to make her feel included in mine and 2. she hasn't done anything to help or showed concern for me during this pregnancy, and given that my mom has been amazing it's making it really easy to want to include my mom in everything and MIL in the bare minimum. Like "you don't care about me or about helping, you just want my baby, and that's not happening".
That said, I would like to give MIL the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't intend to come across like she is. That what she meant when she said "Iiiii get to have her" is "I would love to help babysit", that when she touches my belly without asking she's doing so because she thinks I don't mind, not because she just doesn't care if she's being rude to me. That when she calls my baby hers, she isn't trying to lay claim to my kid like it's hers, she just feels old saying she has a grandchild. That when she "forgets" to include me in her family stocking tradition, it's not to hurt me, she's just having trouble coming to terms that it will never be just her, FIL, and their sons again. The thing is, even if I give her the benefit of the doubt for these things, it'd be nice if they could stop happening. Pretty sure I will go bonkers if she tries to snatch the baby out of my arms unsolicited like touching my belly without asking.
I think my MIL is a good person (she raised the person I decided to spend my life with afterall!) and is probably scared of being "the other grandmother" and that's why she's been doing and saying some of these things. So MILs, how do I gently (preferably non confrontationally) let her know that if she acts helpful rather than pushy I will be happy to have her around? On the other hand, if she does whatever she wants with the baby despite my wishes "because she's the grandmother" I will hate having her around. That if she wants to be included in all of the fun stuff later, then it would be nice if she could help with the less fun stuff now like my mom is doing. And that all of this would also apply to my mom if it were the other way around. Additionally, in the same way I go out of my way to make her feel included by doing things like inviting her wedding dress shopping, asking her to help pick wedding decorations with my mom and I, and inviting her to the ultrasound, it would be nice if she could do the same for me with things like the stocking. I ask this because if I were in her shoes, I would want to be told rather than have my DIL silently be annoyed and eventually not want me around. She can't change if I don't give her a chance, ya know. And I would like to leave my husband out of this as I try to refrain from saying anything negative about his parents to him.