I found this poem by Seamus Heaney (Irish poet) which in my view is the best summary of how mothers feel when the son leaves their life to forge his own life.
Mother of the Groom by Seamus Heaney
What she remembers
Is his glistening back
In the bath, his small boots
In the ring of boots at her feet.
Hands in her voided lap,
She hears a daugheter welcomed.
It's as if he kicked when lifted
And slipped her soapy hold.
Once soap would ease off
The wedding ring
That's bedded forever now
In her clapping hand.
I start this as a new topic because it may allow some of us to address our feelings of being 'made redundant' on so many fronts. These feelings may contribute to problems we have in our everyday communication with DIL. I am now trying to interpret my feelings towards my DIL and the ensuing problems from this root cause. Intellectualy I am willing to let go but after four years of their marriage I have not been able to do so from the bottom of my heart. It still hurts in a place deep deep down. It has taken me a while to acknowledge this because I feel mean and small minded thinking like that. It does not square with the outlook I have on life but it is nevertheless real and I feel I need to address this to gain equilibrium of mind and start a better relationship with the ever growing family who I love dearly.
Does anybody out there feel like this too? Or am I really a possessive mother who can't let go?
We all let go. We just do it in different ways and under different circumstances. A mother had to let go for you to have a dad. Sending love...
I am new here and have been looking for a site like this.
My oldest son is getting married at the end of October and my biggest fear is losing him after losing my youngest and grandson back in March because the dil is a Jealous of our relationship with the son and grandson. I'm at a loss on how to deal with the fear anticipating it happening.
That is the trick belweav. We can't let fear rule our lives. We simply must do our best and hope for the best. People are going to be who they are, and all we can do is be accountable for ourselves.
belweav, whatever you have to do to stay in good graces with your DIL, do it. Try to not let anything she does hurt you or at least don't show it. The key to your son is through his wife. Just let everything go right over your head that she says. It can be daunting sometimes but it's a must.
Quote from: chelmsford36 on September 05, 2010, 12:29:18 AM
I found this poem by Seamus Heaney (Irish poet) which in my view is the best summary of how mothers feel when the son leaves their life to forge his own life.
Mother of the Groom by Seamus Heaney
What she remembers
Is his glistening back
In the bath, his small boots
In the ring of boots at her feet.
Hands in her voided lap,
She hears a daugheter welcomed.
It's as if he kicked when lifted
And slipped her soapy hold.
Once soap would ease off
The wedding ring
That's bedded forever now
In her clapping hand.
I start this as a new topic because it may allow some of us to address our feelings of being 'made redundant' on so many fronts. These feelings may contribute to problems we have in our everyday communication with DIL. I am now trying to interpret my feelings towards my DIL and the ensuing problems from this root cause. Intellectualy I am willing to let go but after four years of their marriage I have not been able to do so from the bottom of my heart. It still hurts in a place deep deep down. It has taken me a while to acknowledge this because I feel mean and small minded thinking like that. It does not square with the outlook I have on life but it is nevertheless real and I feel I need to address this to gain equilibrium of mind and start a better relationship with the ever growing family who I love dearly.
Does anybody out there feel like this too? Or am I really a possessive mother who can't let go?
Hi there, and thank you for posting this poem....beautiful...
You are not small minded at all....and your feelings are valid...I believe what scares us mom's the most is the change, the routine of being in charge all of the time, when our kids are growing up...we were so needed in they're lives for survival....and when they marry, they no longer need us in the lives the same way, which is perfectly normal.....I felt it and didn't realize it, it was a subconsciense feeling....and very difficult for me to explain the way I'd like to, so forgive me if I stumble all over myself....
I think feeling like this, contributed to my problems with DIL...
Right now, your DIL is probably just as afraid of you & your family as you are of her.
We expect them to accept us right away and know that we love them, b/c our son's have chosen them, and we also make the mistake of making comments that hurt they're feelings. We don't mean to, but we do...and they clam up and fear that they will never be able to be the wife and mom that you are...
They also fear, that they're husbands will never love them as much as they love us...b/c when they get together he brags about mom, what a good cook she is, and he's not doing that to hurt her, he's doing that simply to make conversation....but, it really intimidates her...I know this now, b/c my son's father did that with me, and I was young, afraid, sore afraid, and immature, stubborn and wanted my way....I couldn't wait to set up housekeeping and be my own boss...however, she wouldn't allow me to do that, she always had a comment or suggestion to make, which made me feel like wow, I'm wrong....and I knew she wished I would do things her way, and I couldn't....not b/c her ways were wrong, but I had my own ways of doing things. If she would have given me time, it would have been better, I would have acclimated better, but she rushed me into calling her mom, and just moved right into the idea that everytime she thought we should be there, we had to be, and it was annoying, tiring and I was living my life to suit her.
So, I'm not saying you or anyone here is doing these things, I can only warn you and try to write down examples of where I made mistakes or my MIL made mistakes with me.
I would suggest firmly, you sit back and let her be the pilet and let her cue you...don't make any suggestions of how they should do this or that...allow them to take the lead.
More then anything else, understand, that our son's do leave they're families to cleave to they're wives, and when they do, things as we knew them will never be the same....and they shouldn't be....
Traditions that you had with your son, might also change...don't expect to have that same kind of attention from him....he has taken another woman in his life to be his confident, partner, best friend and companion....he doesn't love you any less, he is just simply moving on, and so should you...allowance is what you should be doing, b/c it is perfectly normal and the right thing to do..however, if you DIL is being mean to you, then don't be a doormat....regardless....there is a certain amount of respect that she needs to give you and visa versa.
If you try talking to her, b/c she is immature, she may deny she feels this way....b/c she is young and afraid....
I would try to buy as many MIL books as possible, to help you during this very difficult transition...some of us, have a very hard time ever letting go, others acclimate very well...it depends on the person....however, you will never be able to fight her and if you do...your son will only see it as your rejecting her...if you ever say anything to him against her, he will take it as a rejection of the woman he loves....the love of his life....he won't be capable of understanding, you don't dislike her, you just want to be accepted by her and loved by her....all this takes time, it's a huge transition on her part, and his, but can be very difficult for mothers.
I would suggest to not call him much, let him call you....and don't just drop by they're home unannounced and don't look for excuses to drop by, they are newly weds and they will need they're own space.
I would also suggest, everytime you feel like your going to disagree with a situation they've decided, bud out, and reward them by saying, I think that is a good idea...remember, it's they're idea, they're way of doing things, and if you are negative about they're ideas, what your saying is...."your wrong and they think they're adults and want to live they're lives they're way"....you can no longer protect them from mistakes, matter of fact, by allowing them mistakes will help them move along in life better. They are a team, remember that....and you must wait to be invited in, know when to be there and when not to be involved, which is more times then you'll want it to be. You see, it's time now for your growth to....life doesn't end when your son leaves home, but your growth with him as his provider and caregiver does...your job is done....and this I had to continually say over and over again, as well as, he's a grown man, it's his turn to live life....it's his time, not mine....so I had to find other things to keep me occupied....other hobbies, make new friends, and finally now, if your married, consentrate on your husband, b/c he's been put on the back burner for so long and so have your dreams....continue where you left off years ago and consentrate on putting spice back into your life and marriage, you see, this transition can be a good one, if you let it be.
Another thing that will change are the family traditions....she might want to make her own, which means all your family dinners....yes, we were a close family, my son and I and our family, we were very close...my son confided in me everything and so did his friends...our home was the home that all the kids came to, and we had such a good time....I was a friend to my son as well as his mother....however, I was strict....and didn't give him everything, made him work for what he wanted....and he didn't have the best clothes, etc. Did I make mistakes, heck yeah, I was a baby myself when I had him, so we basically grew up together....but what I didn't see coming, is....
he was leaving the nest and my job was over...it was his turn to live life, and he was no longer my baby....his birthdays were no longer mine, etc....I had to let go, and it took a lot of years and a lot of pain and hurt, not just mine, but they'res....it wasn't about me anymore, and I had to find a new life, new hobbies....new everything, my son, was no longer my purpose.
I don't know if anything here I've written will help, but if you can take some enlightenment from it, then good, if not, then, it's ok....it may not apply to you....
one thing, don't fear being wrong.....and changing your attitude....there is nothing wrong with being wrong....and making mistakes, we do it every day of our lives, that's how we grow....so, listen to them when you can....and follow they're lead, not yours....it's not about you anymore, it's about his wife and they're happiness....remember, all a mother wants for her son is to meet a woman, marry, experience love and life on his own, without mom there to tell him what to do.....
oh, and one more thing...when you can, let them take care of themselves, b/c if you loan them moey or give them to much, it isn't going to change they're attitudes or buy you love, and when you give money to your kids, I don't care who you are, if they don't live up to your expectations, you become very resentful....so, good luck and God bless, I hope and pray things work out for you.
Remember, DIL is very young....immature right now...and just as afraid as you are....and all your son is looking for, is that you accept her and not reject her and not say anything, ever about her to him. It hurts our son's terrible when you do that, even if he discusses personal issues about her with you, you should be telling him, you don't want to know, b/c it will make you biased and you don't want to be.....suggest he work it out together with her....and explain to him that all couples have disagreements....and if they escalate then they should find a good counselor and work it out.
Hugs
Creme
Creme, with me, I only wanted to be a part of their lives. I want to make that clear. Nothing more. As long as I was at their disposal, night and day to do whatever they wanted, I was in. I felt I belonged. I noticed, but dismissed each incident, that they were never there for us, ever. That includes our son. No matter if it was the most extreme emergency, they were no shows. After awhile, that makes you feel that you were being used. I was being used. I think I loved my GD so much that she became the focus of my life and she shouldn't have been. However, I kept her so much how could I help but feel this way? I never dreamed they were using me, just happy to be there and here being apart of something. I loved my DIL and GD as much as I did my own son and he is a very nice guy. She has her ways of making you feel good while you're doing her bidding. I'm so thick headed that it took me years to get it. :(
BT, that's what's going on with us, too, so I know what you're going through. Be strong, and be true to yourself.
We were used and then treated horribly by DIL. What really hurts is hearing about the things they do to help DIL's FOO. Do you remember all my "just say no" posts? I recently had to turn down a request to help them with something major, and I was afraid we'd be cut off but I said no anyway. So far so good :)
Without the wisdom and support of all of you I doubt I would have held fast; thanks so much!
Pen? You said "NO?" Hooray! What guts you have, Superwoman, GRRRR!! I'm so proud of you!! I said no too but that kind of started the distancing. I had the choice of keeping their dogs while they were out of town or go out of town myself. I'm afraid I chose going out of town and brother, did it cost me. It has never been the same but at least I know now what's going on. Congratulations!!
Boy is that a hard word to say and mean..."no." For eons I couldn't even spell it or pronounce it! Sending love...
I feel mean all of the time about my dil who married my youngest son. I know that this woman has taught me to hate. I cannot even find a tiny portion of grace for her. I've lost all respect for my son who called his father a liar when my husband confronted him about what had happened.
Barelythere this was how my dil treated me and once I no longer served a purpose for her she cut us out.
I believe that no one can teach you to hate. It is a choice. Sending love...
I'm tempted to say "no" next time DS asks us to go and babysit which probably won't be for a while now. It's so discouraging after spending time with DIL's family and seeing our Gd interact with them, I fear GD will never be close to us and my heart will be broken again. I had so many hopes and dreams for my first GD and they've all gone down the tube but I'm starting to enjoy life again regardless. DH says he can attach and detach, it doesn't matter to him, I think he's pretty attached already. I'm so afraid to put myself out there to be hurt once more, that's keeping me from getting closer to GD and DS.
I think every one of us should practice saying no on a regular basis just for grins. I think you get strength when you do. Finding out you've been used is hard and I look around and see these great families who really love each other, are there for each other, all I'd hoped for in my life.
I saw my son tonight by chance and I don't know how to explain it but he's not the same person he was even last year. Something is wrong. First of all, he's afraid to look at me, he just chit chats and that's okay but mostly he's quiet, introverted, not like the outgoing guy he once was. I make sure that I don't even look like I'm going to ask him anything personal. He seems like he's covering something up, like his happiness maybe. It looks like he might be unhappy with himself, I don't know. His wife was not with him but she called.
For everyone who has to make these wrenching decisions because someone else has overstepped boundaries or taken advantage, my thoughts are with you. It surely isn't fair, but it's the way it is. I'm not dealing with being a GM yet, but hearing the stories from some of you is inspiring me to be proactive. I want to have personal strategies in place so I can handle whatever DIL and DS decide to do, JIC.
Guest1, my DH just wants a peaceful, loving home. He is tired of the drama and heartbreak, and he wants to know he's number 1 with me. If he has to detach from DS and future GKs, so be it. I guess he thinks there's nothing he can do to change it, so we might as well enjoy each other. I know he dearly loves his son, and he would be a wonderful GF, but he isn't going to waste precious time moaning about what could have been.
BT, thanks for the Superwoman comment :) I was actually shaking on the phone and nearly waffled, but I thought of you all and stood my ground. So, I'm only Super if you've got my back, apparently ; ) Saying "no" is a way to take care of ourselves. For some of us, it's time. For others it's not, and that's OK too.
I'm sorry your DS appears changed and that your relationship with him is superficial right now; it's that way with my DS too. Isn't it weird? (My DIL always calls DS when he's with us on rare occasions without her, usually with an emergency only he can handle.) Here's hoping they figure it out sooner rather than later.
My Husband says that he has no regrets, that he was a good father (the best) and whatever is happening, he's sorry but that it is not going to ruin his life. Gosh, I wish I was a man. I know he's hurt but men can pocket those feelings and put them away, we have a hard time doing that. I'm getting there, though. I'm realizing this is not about me. It still stings no matter who it is about.
Quote from: barelythere on September 14, 2010, 07:47:05 PM
I saw my son tonight by chance and I don't know how to explain it but he's not the same person he was even last year. Something is wrong. First of all, he's afraid to look at me, he just chit chats and that's okay but mostly he's quiet, introverted, not like the outgoing guy he once was. I make sure that I don't even look like I'm going to ask him anything personal. He seems like he's covering something up, like his happiness maybe. It looks like he might be unhappy with himself, I don't know. His wife was not with him but she called.
BT, just want to tell you that after last years incident (the first one) where my DIL got mad because I wouldn't sign the truck I purchased for my DS in her name only....he cursed me out, she called me a monster and there was silence for only 2 weeks, but after that...it took months for my son to look me in the eye. My DH said it was because he knew he was wrong and ashamed of how he treated me...Now going through it again and a really long silent treatment...I think they can't look you in the eye because they ARE NOT living with their own heart but by the stomp of DIL's foot and her opinion and the wrath of what may come with what they really feel towards their mothers. My DS has done that with me, small chit chat, quiet and such when she is around...when she wasn't, he wouldn't shut up and you couldn't get a word in edge wise...even the hugs were different. The weekend before the big bang was father's day and earlier that week my DS called me 3 x for misc. stuff, ie: recipes, about his work and a problem that he was having (not about DIL) well, we were out to dinner and in conversation...I asked my DS if he had worked out the issue. You would have thought I just hit my DIL with a 2 x 4 across the head. He glared at me, she glared at him and then in a sarcastic mode she said, "You CALLED your MOTHER?" Well, needless to say...I didn't get a word the rest of the night from my son, I don't think he even looked at me, I think she kicked him under the table and my goodbye hug and "thanks Mom for the wonderful dinner out in this very expensive restaurant" didn't even happen. I think this was the start of my set up to get me out of their lives for good. This was the night I grabbed my little GD's hands and said we were going to have so much fun when she comes and we are going to go bike riding, to the park, swim in the pool and have a blast....I believe this is the moment that my DIL plotted the end of the end with me and my DS and set me up for failure on the babysitting day. Now my DS can't look at me since he again cursed me for 41 minutes straight, ousted our family for GD's Birthday and 3 months of silent treatment. I believe it's going to be a long time before he grows up and realizes what he is doing if that is even in the cards to happen.
When people can't look you in the eye (my ex was like this and he was a pathological liar) it means that they are untruthful in some way...whether to you or to themselves. There is no confidence in their soul. After all these years of forgiving my ex for being a liar, etc. I realized that he was still that person when he and I ran into each other last week and he ran and hid from me....Oh, My....Now it sounds funny! How pathetic when you have to do that? All he had to do was tell me that he didn't want to discuss DS and what was going on. Reason he couldn't face me is because deep down he knows it's all a lie, untrue and he cannot do the right thing. Whether weakness, being a coward or just plain having a character defect...maybe all 3.
One more thing....I don't have that kind of power over my husband. If my husband wants to do something, he does it. I don't tell him what to do and I definitely don't interfere with any of his relationships. That includes his family or friends. I actually am the one that reminds him or encourages him to do more with his family...because he needs them. But, I am mature, loving and not spiteful and mean. I do believe that our DIL's will change someday...but I think it isn't going to happen within the marriage they are in now. I think it will take divorcing, hitting rock bottom in their life, having pain, growing and maturing and really taking a hard look at themselves...for they don't have to do that now...they are getting their way and what they want right where they are. It's like us. We don't change until something drastic happens in our life to force us too. Not one of us thought prior to our situations, "Boy, I need to change myself now before I have a bad relationship with my DS and DIL" Why would we...we didn't think we were doing anything wrong and we didn't know we need a crystal ball or a genie or someone who could read the future to enlighten us.
Quote from: guest1 on September 14, 2010, 07:25:54 PM
I'm tempted to say "no" next time DS asks us to go and babysit which probably won't be for a while now. It's so discouraging after spending time with DIL's family and seeing our Gd interact with them, I fear GD will never be close to us and my heart will be broken again. I had so many hopes and dreams for my first GD and they've all gone down the tube but I'm starting to enjoy life again regardless. DH says he can attach and detach, it doesn't matter to him, I think he's pretty attached already. I'm so afraid to put myself out there to be hurt once more, that's keeping me from getting closer to GD and DS.
Guest 1, if I were you, I would not say no, unless you have something really honestly planned, when they ask....I know how you feel, and I'm cautioning you b/c I care....but if they would find out you said no just b/c it would make things worse for you. It only adds fuel to the fire....if you can, never do anything out of hurt...it doesn't pay....and I do know about that fear of putting yourself out there again...once you've been burned, it's real hard to trust again...however, if you don't take that chance you'll never know.....will you? Don't hold back due to fear, fear of rejection, or doing anything out of spite....b/c I fear if you do, you'll only hurt yourself more....
I wouldn't be at they're beckoned call though, just make certain, you do have plans made when you say no.
Does that make sense?
Pen, I'm glad things worked out for you so far, it seems like your getting stronger, I know this is totally undeserving to all of you, however, the stronger you become, the more readily you'll be able to deal with issues that come up.....please know your in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs
creme
Thanks Creme, you make a lot of sense. I'm very afraid to get my heart broken again, you see, I'm not just dealing with DIL but also her family, her mother is a hypocrite among other things and her siblings and their families are just plain crazy, I feel like I'll never win. I want more than anything to be close to DS and GD but they'll do anything in their power to create problems to keep us apart, they know how I feel and they're enjoying the situation, they have something similar going on with their parents and grandparents. I've tried to point things out to DS but he always sides with them. I've said it before, so many times I have felt like throwing in the towel and you Creme are the reason I haven't done it, that's how much I trust your judgement. After years of suffering I feel strong enough to say "the heck with you all, it's not worth it". I miss my old son, I don't like the new one, honestly I think I can do without him, but I keep hoping and praying for a miracle. He calls me everyday I think out of habit, we never talk about anything important anymore, we just chit chat, I guess I should count my blessings.
Pen, DH feels exactly like yours, he wants me all to himself now that we have an empty nest, he's always telling me the only person I need to worry about is him. We are enjoying life again, trying to catch up doing all the things we couldn't do when we were younger.
Quoteguest1
Thanks Creme, you make a lot of sense. I'm very afraid to get my heart broken again, you see, I'm not just dealing with DIL but also her family, her mother is a hypocrite among other things and her siblings and their families are just plain crazy, I feel like I'll never win.
Guest1 in the end, nobody wins, but there is a way to a better life...so you do actually win, not in the way you'd like, actually, much better then you ever expected...but it takes a long time, and hard work, but you can achieve it...and it's right there waiting to take you by the hand and walk you through, but it can't do it alone, you've got to be willing.
QuoteI want more than anything to be close to DS and GD but they'll do anything in their power to create problems to keep us apart, they know how I feel and they're enjoying the situation, they have something similar going on with their parents and grandparents.
yes, they do know it, and your bending over backwards to achieve that goal, b/c you want it so bad, however, they see it as a weakness...
QuoteI've tried to point things out to DS but he always sides with them.
And he will, not because he's not loyal to you, but because he only hears your disapproval of them, and thinks it's his job to defend them. When your talking about them to him, it makes him go to a place he doesn't like to be, makes him really nervous and uncomfortable...I would never ever discuss anything negative with him again about them or anyone else. Come in here and vent, but not to him....if you can.
QuoteI've said it before, so many times I have felt like throwing in the towel and you Creme are the reason I haven't done it, that's how much I trust your judgement.
Boy, I'm so gosh darn happy you haven't...b/c I know if you would, you'd be even more miserable if you can imagine that. And there are some that just have to break away for survival...however, you know your situation better then I do...it's best not to ever make a decision out of hurt and anger...but to think it through another day when your calmer and can look at it more realistically, but I do know that some must break away for they're own survival and well being.
QuoteAfter years of suffering I feel strong enough to say "the heck with you all, it's not worth it". I miss my old son, I don't like the new one, honestly I think I can do without him, but I keep hoping and praying for a miracle.
Darlin, sit down and hold onto something...truth is, your son, will never be the same person you knew...he's changed, he's become a man, and he's doing the best he can...and I know he's hurt you deeply....I'm not dismissing your feelings...believe me, I was there and said the same exact words...time changes people, you change, I change, our son's change...life has a way of doing that, it is the cycle of life....and he is never ever again, going to be that sweet little boy you knew...before he left to marry. If you can continue to grow...you will bring him back...but he will be different...and it will take a long time to rebuild the relationship on both of your parts...but eventaully he will want to, if he starts to see, that your getting on with your own life very well without him in it...but he will never again, be able to live up to your expectations....of who and what he should be. And let me tell you, when he does come back, even though he's change, you just might be off to an even better relationship with him then you had before...with distance...
QuoteHe calls me everyday I think out of habit, we never talk about anything important anymore, we just chit chat, I guess I should count my blessings.
Yes, indeed, you absolutly should, that my friend is saying a lot....on his part...it would be just as easy for him to not call, but he does, so what may seem as small potatoes to you, take all you can get and be thankful for it.
and ladies, regarding your husbands, they are so exhausted of all of this and trying to tell you what I've been trying to tell you...
they're honestly sick of hearing it...and every little detail about it..."they are saying "enough, please," they miss the who of who you were. Whenever you discuss it with them, it makes them so frustrated, b/c they can't do anything about it. They are hurting to, so, it's very difficult for them to be your sounding board....and when you discuss it over and over again, it takes from them so much...they see you hurting and they don't like it...and no matter what they tell you, believe me, they are sick to death of it and want change so much....you see, we women can't let go of things, we kick the dog until it's dead and keep on kicking it, and it drives them nuts. They know if they don't side with you, your going to take it as a personal attack, or like they are telling you, your wrong, and they're not...what they're trying to convince you is, that there is nothing right now you can do but change your attitude. I've seen many woman on here right what you wrote your husband said, and we're so wrapped up in our own hurt, we don't hear what they're saying...but they are honestly screaming inside begging you silently to come back to them...and let the kids live they're own lives...they are begging you to see them again as a partner and not as a fixture in the home....we did a whole thread on how you can bring the romance back into your lives...and if you let go of this, and start consentrating on them, your going to once again feel fulfilled. See, right now your very lonely and starving for love...so, go for it, and leave all the negative stuff go....give your husband you, wooo him and love him...make him a drink after supper and dress up for him again, put on make up...be his lover....not someone he's afraid to come home to, b/c he doesn't know what he is going to find when he gets home....I tell you, your husbands deserve a Gold Star for being there for you and waiting for you to come back to them.
Remember, No one can make you feel any way unless you let them...
I know you want to be close to them, but I fear they are staying away b/c they feel smothered, not that you are, but they see it as you doing so...can you understand that? You are not doing anything wrong, I'm not saying you are, what I'm trying to do, is explain to you what you have to do to get out of this whole horrible pain.
This is a cycle of life that your fighting...and the more you fight it, the more miserable you will become...when I say let go, I'm saying it for your own sake...he is no longer yours, and never really was...we don't own people, or our kids...I'm saying this b/c this is what we have to keep saying to ourselves over and over again to make the grief go away...
You guys have one thing I didn't....husbands...and boy, I'll tell you, if I'd have had a husband, it would have been much easier then me. See, I worked construction for oh, 14 years of my life, some of those men talked to me, and confided in me, about problems at home....so I know how men take these things and what they say to they're wives to survive...
The worst thing, you can do to a man, is jump all over him the moment he comes thru that door....and dump on him all the bad things that happened during the day. He only wants peace, and he does the best he can to support you, however, it isn't enough, so he feels like he's failing you every time you complain to him about this....or anything negative...
So, I'm not saying all of you are doing this, only you know if you are...I'm not there...and you can come back and say, oh, my husband says this or that, but I won't believe you, he's saying what he's saying to survive himself...so, please understand, I'm not saying your doing anything wrong, what I'm saying is, it's time to get on with your life, life doesn't stop here, it's going to keep on moving, with or without you, it's your choice....you cannot control how people treat you, but you can control how you react to it...and it can be much better then you could ever imagine if you work hard at it...
So ladies I do know every situation is different...however, there are secrets to changing every situation...and what I have written here, may help some and not others, it's your choice,to take it or leave it...for me, it works...and I know it does for others as well...but it's not for everyone. I really hope you believe I am not the enemy...I'm on your sides...
Don't expect miracles, for every step forward, you'll take two steps back...I still wrestle with myself sometimes, believe me....ROME was not built in a day...be patient and just try, what do you have to loose? actually nothing...
Hugs and sending love...
Creme
Creme, I don't have time to read all the posts so it's possible that you may have commented on this subject before and I missed it, but I'd like to get your personal opinion and this is very personal so if you don't want to respond you don't have to, I'll understand.
Having been through what we've been through with our DS and DILs, would you take your son out of your will if you had one?
Guest1
No, never...regardless....
And I'm at a place that as long as my son stays married to the dil then he will not inherit anything. My will and my husband's will are specific about that.
One side story that is on topic is this: My MIL owns the house she lives in free and clear. There has not been a mortgage on that house for over 20 years. It is also my husband's inheritance. My husband was willing to give this son and the dil the house with no strings attached. When my dil attacked me as she did, my MIL now refuses to give them the house. They lost a houst worth about 91,000.00 dollars which is a good price where I live.