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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: catchingup on January 16, 2011, 08:07:55 AM

Title: Heartbreak
Post by: catchingup on January 16, 2011, 08:07:55 AM

I heard today that a Grandmother was looking after her Grandchild while the parents were away.
The child a 16month old toddler drowned in a murky pool.
How does a person get over something like this?? How will it affect the family relationships?
Why did this child have access to the pool area?

Becoming a Grandmother scares me.
When I was about 18 I told my mother "I dont think I should have children"I knew I would worry too much. I just loved children too much
I think I should have listened to my instincts and made my career amoung other peoples children

Fortunately my 3 sons turned out good guys with good careers and survived my neurosis.

This feeling I have of not wanting to get too emotionally involved with Grandchildren to spare myself the worry must be abnormal judging by the besotted ladies on this site.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: LaurieS on January 16, 2011, 08:41:31 AM
I understand exactly how you are viewing this.  My own mother chose not to be close to her grand children, she kept my boys once in their lives and that was disastrous.  I always chalked it up to the fact that she never appeared to really like even having her own children, as if we were something you were suppose to do rather then chose to do.  But it could have been the responsibility that she partially avoided.  Accidents can certainly happen to a child while under a parents care or a grandparent, yes I think living with the weight of knowing that a grandchild was injured while on your watch would be horrible. 

Just this week a article in the paper spoke about a child who drown in a bathtub while mom was playing on Facebook, it's a shame but accidents can and do happen.  I once had a pediatrician who I was visiting with a injured child, tell me not to ever turn my back... he really let me know that my child was hurt because of my actions alone.  I listened to the lecture because I am responsible for my child's safety.. but finally I asked if his house was clean when he got  home?  Was his dinner prepared when he finally walked through the door?  I said well then at some point your wife is turning her back if only for a moment..  We have to be realistic along with aware, and hopefully life will treat us with kindness.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: holliberri on January 16, 2011, 09:28:31 AM
Catchingup,

That's a normal feeling! I was terrified of becoming a mother, and then I became one and was even more terrified. Then came the time for daycare, and it only got worse. I think the idea that something could go wrong is something we need to learn to live with. Everyday I get up, I am so glad I made it through one more day to spend with my DD, without something happening to either one of us. I don't think the fear that something could go wrong will ever completely go away, but that doesn't mean that we need to avoid the joy that can be in the present.

Terrible things happen all the time, and while I certainly wouldn't want to be the one responsible for anything like that, there are some things that are just beyond our control. I read a story about a dad leaving his son in the car at work all day in the hot sun. I was terrified I or my DH would do this. I called the daycare everyday to make sure DD got dropped off. However, I FINALLY looked up the statistics; this happens in this big country of ours (U.S., assuming!), about 5 times a year. The odds are so miniscule, that we simply have to live with the fact that it is an imperfect world, and sometimes even if things appear within our control, they actually are not.

The fact that something could happen is exactly why you NEED to be an integral part of your GCs lives (especially if your kids allow you that opportunity!). I lost my best friend of 20  years to cancer last year, and we had lost contact for a few years before then. I decided to reach out, and shortly after that she was diagnosed. I am so grateful for that precious time with her, even if it was spent in a hospital, and watching her die. I think her and I got so much out of just loving despite the fact that things might go wrong. Your GCs need to know who you are because we just never know when our time is up. Sometimes the bad times can be just as enriching as the good, and sometimes good things do come out of tragedy.

I'm learning to live happily despite having the fear of something happen; and I'm only now just learning what true love can overcome. Don't short change yourself or your GKs out of fear.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: LaurieS on January 16, 2011, 10:52:54 AM
On the flip side and I'm not speaking directly about you Catchingup.. but if for any reason someone has doubts about their ability to keep up with their grandchildren, they need to face that limitation within themselves and then make it known to the children's  parents.  Kids are fast, they have unlimited energy and minds that can find danger even when not looking for it. 

I have had friends who have been angered when a parent has not wanted to babysit for a variety of reasons.  First there is nothing wrong with not totally rescheduling your every event to fit your children's needs.  Secondly if it's out of your comfort zone, then so be it.. I'd rather see a grandparent be honest before helpful. 
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: holliberri on January 16, 2011, 11:04:15 AM
Laurie is right about that. Limitations are okay too, as long as we are honest about it. I asked my mom to watch DD twice a week and she curtly said no. I felt rejected, and felt like my mom was preventing me from going to class. My dad then explained my mom wasn't trying to make my life difficult, she just is in school herself and was battling a bad cold to boot. A kid two nights a week was too much on her plate. I understood her point of view, but I wish she'd been honest with me initially.
In the end, you need to do what is right for you. Just don't be afraid of the emotional attachment! You can do a lot with GKs without being the main caretaker.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: luise.volta on January 16, 2011, 11:41:26 AM
All you have to do is turn your head for a moment. The threat is always there. I knew a couple who got a waterfront home and their little guy fell off the dock when they weren't looking. We all know of horror stories. Some of us have lived them. And yet we can't "not live." Sending love...
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: JaneF on January 16, 2011, 02:26:56 PM
I understand the fear some have of a child or grandchild getting injured or worse. I lost a son as an infant (not due to injury or accident), and I was devastated over it. It does make a parent a little more cautious sometimes, but you still have to let a child be a child. For me the loss of my son made me appreciate having my other children more, if that makes any sense. I was not a perfect mother by any means, but then kids are not born with instruction booklets! I did the best I could at the time. We can't let fear rule our lives, or we would never take chances. I took a chance 3 years ago and changed jobs even though I was sneaking up on 50 years old! I was intimidated by the fact that there was so much I had to learn, but I am so happy I took the risk! I am still learning daily, but I love my job. If you stop learning in life, you are doing yourself a great diservice. I hope what ever fears you have you are able to overcome. Blessings to you.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: Faithlooksup on January 16, 2011, 04:10:18 PM
Hi Catchingup!!!   Yes, that story was sad, and I do understand your fears...but do not let your fears rule you....You raised your sons and did a great job....actually when I became a grandmother it was so much fun, I was more relaxed with both of them, I went into my second childhood with them as well.  Meanwhile due to the fact that we raised our children, I knew what my GC were up to before they new......Go with your instincts, if it feels right do it, if not don't...   If you live in fear~you will not live, and that is what life is all about...living.

Sending Hugs.....Faith
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: Pooh on January 18, 2011, 08:16:01 AM
Fear is normal as a parent or grandparent.  But I will say that my two boys got hurt more doing "normal" things, than they ever did doing things that they shouldn't.  I remember my MIL having a fit when we bought the boys a trampoline.  "They are dangerous, kids get hurt so bad, blah blah blah."  They would drag their basketball goal over to the trampoline and practice "extreme basketball".

I went in the house......
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: LaurieS on January 18, 2011, 08:20:42 AM
I agree Pooh.. and it seems like the only ones that are fearless are the kids themselves.  Knock on wood, but I even never suffered a broken bone with my kids.. now me on the other hand, let's not forget I fell off my new bike just two weeks ago.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: Pen on January 18, 2011, 08:26:05 AM
My kids never broke bones either, but we spent time in the doctor's office over embarrassing issues like ring worm. Hey Laurie, I fell off my bike too! I was going up a hill very slowly and sort of tipped over into a pile of rocks. Very graceful. DH laughed.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: Pooh on January 18, 2011, 08:27:39 AM
Me neither.  I managed to escape both the boys childhood, with only 6 stitches.  And that was OS, in high school, playing a basketball game.  Banged heads going for a rebound and his teeth went through his lip....ouchie. 

I truly think you get hurt less when you are not afraid.  Just look at all the stories of drunks in horrific crashes that walk away without a scratch!  The lack of fear or inhibitions truly relaxes your body.  IMO.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: cremebrulee on January 18, 2011, 08:28:43 AM
Quote from: Pooh on January 18, 2011, 08:27:39 AM
Me neither.  I managed to escape both the boys childhood, with only 6 stitches.  And that was OS, in high school, playing a basketball game.  Banged heads going for a rebound and his teeth went through his lip....ouchie. 

I truly think you get hurt less when you are not afraid.  Just look at all the stories of drunks in horrific crashes that walk away without a scratch!  The lack of fear or inhibitions truly relaxes your body.  IMO.

so then we should drink more???????   ;)
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: Pooh on January 18, 2011, 08:30:29 AM
Hmmm.....hold on...I'm thinking....
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: LaurieS on January 18, 2011, 08:47:01 AM
yeah Pooh.. I think it's because they are drunk.. not fearless :)   I thought I had escaped all the really embarrassing issues but then my dd got head lice at the age of 21, she was coaching little girls and put on a helmet..go figure
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: Pen on January 18, 2011, 08:59:35 AM
LOL, we managed to avoid lice, amazingly.

I happened to tune into "Infested!" the other night - OMG, now my skin is crawling and I'm freakin' out. Do not watch that show.

Back to the topic of Heartbreak regarding GC safety, I'm pretty certain DIL will be monitoring my home very closely when she's ready to have kids. We live 'way out yonder and do occasionally have critter/pest issues she's not used to. I'm not expecting to see GC often :(
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: holliberri on January 18, 2011, 09:19:00 AM
Pen,

Don't despair just yet, I still think you've got a positive thing going.  BTW, you live out yonder...much less likely to get bed bugs, lice, and a whole host of other things that like to live in the more populated areas.

We're all bound to have one infestation or another in our lifetime; I hope DD doesn't make a big deal out.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: cremebrulee on January 19, 2011, 05:32:31 AM
Quote from: catchingup on January 16, 2011, 08:07:55 AM

I heard today that a Grandmother was looking after her Grandchild while the parents were away.
The child a 16month old toddler drowned in a murky pool.
How does a person get over something like this?? How will it affect the family relationships?
Why did this child have access to the pool area?

Becoming a Grandmother scares me.
When I was about 18 I told my mother "I dont think I should have children"I knew I would worry too much. I just loved children too much
I think I should have listened to my instincts and made my career amoung other peoples children

Fortunately my 3 sons turned out good guys with good careers and survived my neurosis.

This feeling I have of not wanting to get too emotionally involved with Grandchildren to spare myself the worry must be abnormal judging by the besotted ladies on this site.

No, not at all, actually, can you imagine, if you are sitting there 8 months pregnant, and you hear or read this story?  This is the very reason, why young mothers are overly protective.  I was....I work with a  32 year old man, who just had they're first child, they refuse to let the child sleep in his own room, b/c they are afraid....and I can't blame them...but a lot of times, Grand mamas, take offense when a DIL won't allow them to take her kids all over the place, they take it personal, or like DIL is saying, I dont' trust you and she's not...she is just being over protective, I was of my son, and my DIL was of her daughter, and yes, it hurt, b/c I couldn't take my GD around but I learned to be happy with what I had and not obessess about what I didn't have....I seized the moments....

I've told this story before, and it's so sad, I had a friend, she's gone now, but she had two children....right after the baby was born, say only a few months, she put the baby in the car seat in the back, she went around the corner, the car seat was faulty, the baby fell out and she ran over him.....

How she lived with that, I mean what were the chances of that happening?  Yet it happened, and young mother's hear these stories and it scares them to death....it's not that they don't trust us, it's the fear of something unavoidable happening....b/c they were not there to protect they're child.  And anything can happen, at any time, however, I know the fear they have and realize it b/c I was there...It wasn't anything against my mother in law...but I feared her getting in an accident, while taking my son somewhere....it's not about distrust, it's about the knowlege that horrible things happen and are accidents....and they don't want to chance it....so try and be prepared for her boundaries, and as unreasonable as they may sound to you, respect them, understand her position, and you'll be a much happier Grand mama

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: Pooh on January 19, 2011, 05:52:28 AM
This feeling I have of not wanting to get too emotionally involved with Grandchildren to spare myself the worry must be abnormal judging by the besotted ladies on this site.

I don't see anything abnormal about your feelings.  That's what makes us different individuals.  I know people that don't have children because they frankly don't like them.  I know people that have 5, 6, 7 children because they love them.  Does that make any of them abnormal?  Nope, just different.  Nothing wrong with different.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: Faithlooksup on January 19, 2011, 05:58:08 AM
Creme, I have to ask...how did the baby fall out of the car if the door was closed?????  That is just horrible.....
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: seasage on January 19, 2011, 06:35:43 AM
Quote from: catchingup on January 16, 2011, 08:07:55 AM

This feeling I have of not wanting to get too emotionally involved with Grandchildren to spare myself the worry must be abnormal judging by the besotted ladies on this site.

I admit that I don't want grandchildren, and it's not that I worry about becoming emotionally involved.  I have much better things to do than change diapers.  I have never been besotted by other people's children, and I don't expect that to change.

There, I've said it.  Call me Grinch.

Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: cremebrulee on January 19, 2011, 07:20:57 AM
Quote from: Faithlooksup on January 19, 2011, 05:58:08 AM
Creme, I have to ask...how did the baby fall out of the car if the door was closed?????  That is just horrible.....
Faith, I do not know...honestly a freak accident...and the baby was in a car seat....to boot...?????  All I know, is everytime I saw her, my heart sank and wondered how she got thru life....honestly....I didn't know her when it happened, only afterwards, and for years...and she worked, worked, worked....all the time....guess she had to....but my heart always went out to her....horrible.....

Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: LaurieS on January 19, 2011, 07:53:54 AM
Quote from: seasage on January 19, 2011, 06:35:43 AM
Quote from: catchingup on January 16, 2011, 08:07:55 AM

This feeling I have of not wanting to get too emotionally involved with Grandchildren to spare myself the worry must be abnormal judging by the besotted ladies on this site.

I admit that I don't want grandchildren, and it's not that I worry about becoming emotionally involved.  I have much better things to do than change diapers.  I have never been besotted by other people's children, and I don't expect that to change.

There, I've said it.  Call me Grinch.
Naw doesn't make you a Grinch either you won't even earn the title of Grumpy Grandma.   Like I said my parents had better things to do then to interact with their grandkids and as a mother I accepted it.  I rather have honest then to see someone force themselves to live outside their comfort zone.

Whatever your reasons are Catching up.. are your reasons or your limitations.  When dealing with the lives and especially the responsibilities of children, no one would want you to be anything less then honest about your limitations.... if you aren't comfortable, you simply aren't. 

I would highly advise Catching up, that you are very bluntly honest about your feelings.. people have a way of pushing their kids, dogs, rats (in my case), or nasty food on you while saying.. look give yourself sometime, you'll learn to love it.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: luise.volta on January 19, 2011, 11:30:25 AM
Me, too...Seasage. I was a grandmother at 42 and when I felt I was just starting to live. I love my grandsons...one is a very successful defense attorney and the other is the Art Director for a huge computer game company...but I had no desire to be a part of their upbringing except as an occasional observer. For some reason, they don't care and love me, anyhow. My great grands are in late high school and early college...and we have the same thing going.

I think people who love all babies and kids and are bonkers over their grand kids are wonderful. I'm just cut out of a different piece of cloth. It's a "been there, done that" thing for me that few understand.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: catchingup on January 19, 2011, 12:58:58 PM

That is correct!! " Been there done that "and if my kids think "I know nothing" how will my GC refer to me.

Talking about falling off bicycles and broken bones. My son fell off a new bicycle he was given as a Christmas gift and needed stitches. Only when the doctor lifted him up onto the couch did he crinch in pain as he had broken his collar bone.
Nevertheless, when he saw the needle that was going to be used to stitch his wound and crinched again I said to him " Dont worry DR.... has had sewing lessons"
I could see my doctor was not amused. The things we say and wish we could take back or have the floor open under us. ;D :D
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: luise.volta on January 19, 2011, 01:07:00 PM
Perfect!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2011, 08:05:23 AM
Catching, my feelings on the subject is....
This is YOUR life, Your time....so you have a right to live it any way you choose, and your feelings on any subject are important, b/c that is what defines you and how you want to live your life....don't ever feel badly for not living up to the expectations of others, b/c people who do that, set themselves and everyone else up to fail....

Beeeee Happy!  Embrace yourself....cuz your very signficant in the whole big picture..... ;D

Hugs


Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: holliberri on January 20, 2011, 01:03:36 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on January 19, 2011, 11:30:25 AM
Me, too...Seasage. I was a grandmother at 42 and when I felt I was just starting to live. I love my grandsons...one is a very successful defense attorney and the other is the Art Director for a huge computer game company...but I had no desire to be a part of their upbringing except as an occasional observer. For some reason, they don't care and love me, anyhow. My great grands are in late high school and early college...and we have the same thing going.

I think people who love all babies and kids and are bonkers over their grand kids are wonderful. I'm just cut out of a different piece of cloth. It's a "been there, done that" thing for me that few understand.

Luise,

I already know that is how I'm going to be. I just was never into kids to begin with, just my own. My dad says it all the time when he sees my DD, "She'll just never be as good as you were." I guess that's where I get it from.  I understand what he means completely; lightning doesn't strike twice. I know he loves his GD, but he was a once and done kind of guy.  I think that is why I get so possessive of GD's time; after this, it's over for me. I'll spectate, but nothing more than that.

I know people get horrified when I say wasn't any less happy before DD was here, but it's true. I would've managed to find life just as fulfilling without kids. Same happy life, just a different kind of happy life. Motherhood will give me my best and worst experiences; if I wasn't a mother, something else would give me my best and worst experiences.
Title: Re: Heartbreak
Post by: luise.volta on January 21, 2011, 02:32:03 PM
I know that motherhood gave me one gift it would have been hard to get anywhere else...although I wouldn't have known if I had missed it, probably. I learned to put others first. When there is a sick baby and you are sleep- deprived and then get sick yourself...you don't get to say, "I pass." You get up and do the impossible. Kirk hovered between life and death for his first four months. Unable to tolerate my milk or any formula. Stanford Lane hospital couldn't find the cause or a treatment...nothing worked. I kept him alive with Gerber's bananas and by never putting him down because he was always in pain and would tough it out if he wasn't alone. He was too weak to cry and live through it.

The down side, is to learn where to draw the line regarding putting others first. Big lessons there. Sending love...