March 28, 2024, 03:58:42 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - QuietSong

1
You Dear Lady,
Such problems we have with our AC.  I may write more later.  I just read your post and am thinking about it.  The first thing that popped into my head was to suggest you stay out of it as much as possible.  Perhaps tell her you are going to remain neutral.  As for the GC.......I have GC.....sometimes all I can do is tell them I love them.  I can't hug them because they live 4 states away from me.
I'll write more as I give it more thought.   These were just simple suggestions.
2
Thank you Green Thumb.
What you said makes sense.  I am tired of hurting too.  i may write more later.
3
Yes Bamboo...........I too hope they are learning.  I started a new thread because I learned something new recently.  That although my DIL sends lots of cards and gifts to her FOO...........she does not do this (nor does my son) for my ES's FOO. 
I still have times where I can't believe things are they way they are.  My son was 27 years old when he met his wife.  I never ever thought he would drop 98% of his communication with me.
The first couple of years after he moved out.......were fine.  He was here in 2009 just before he left for the Army.  He never came back and ALL of his personal belongings are still here.  Yes the Army changed him a little........but before he met his wife on FB......he and I still talked approx. once a week.  Sometimes he was off for special training........but he would email me when he could.
It just never never crossed my mind that things would be this way.  It's hard to believe...........but I think he already had the ability to drop his mom before he met her.   Ya know.......maybe he was just kind of tired of the relationship........or maybe he thought now that he had a love interest he could drop mom a whole lot and he would be whatever he pictures a man to be.
:-X
Hard telling.  I'll probably never know what went thru his mind.  Doesn't matter.  I have decisions to make for myself.  ES has a new baby.  She is part of this decision I am making for myself.  I haven't decided whether I will send her gifts or not.  Once I stop all contact with them.......they may decide to give the baby's gifts away or just throw them away.  That is a waste of money.
So I haven't finished working all the details out in my head.
4
Dear Luise,
Now that got the tears of joy flowing.  Thank you so much for the hope.  I have two (twins) granddaughters by the other son.  They don't live in this state but are crazy about this grandma  ;D
Hopefully...........like you............this new one.........will meet this grandma and be crazy about her.  I can't dwell on the hope though.  Not right now.  I feel the need to stay strong.  Stay what feels like detached.
Thanks Luise.  I will will story that little light of hope safely in a locked file cabinet in my heart. :-*
5
That's a good way to look at it Luise.  This new baby may never get to know this grandma.  But I do like that I can choose whether she sees me being abandoned or abused.  Course I am aware that at any time she may be told anything or nothing about me.  I have no control over her parents.  Eventually one day she will have her own grown up life and will make her choices too.  Don't know if I'll be around.  Doesn't matter.  I have complete faith and belief in "what goes around, comes around".  Why?  Because I have reaped what I've sowed too.  In short.  I stayed away from my mom because I thought she didn't want me around.  I didn't........not call her.  I still loved her in spite of her meanness. We still visited her.  But.........it did come around anyway.  Now I have a son who rarely calls.  Today I can say oh well.  Tomorrow I may be crying.  I truly do wish him well and hope his AC treat him better than he is doing to his mother.
Thanks Luise
6
Bamboo,
Sounds like you are doing really well here.  I am glad for you.  Thank you for your help too.  I can't add anything to what all these wonderful gals have suggested.  But I am glad to be a newbie with you.  I just got done working my three/12's.  I am tired but feel good emotionally.  I have suffered for the last six years with this son.  I know he is an adult and can make his own choices.  I just wasn't dealing well with his choices.  First he joined the Army at age 27.  (I don't like fighting of any kind)  Then he met this woman on FB.  Site unseen.....he fell for her. 
Before all of this he and I were buddies.  We had actually become friends once he was a young man.  He had moved out, which was fine.  We continued to be buddies and would talk on the phone a couple times a week.  Even after boot camp......he would call me approx. once a week.  But then I noticed he called less and less.  I just figured he was busy doing his Army thing.  Nope.  He was busy FBing with her.  I'm not real bad with that "no woman is good enough for my son" thing.  At first........I welcomed her with open arms.  But within a couple of days I learned that she didn't give a care to what I thought.  She had hooked him and I was gonna be out of the picture.  If you have heard the new expression "he was catfished" then you'll know what I am talking about.  Learned it from a nurse at work.  Catfished = a person on the internet poses as one person but is another.  ("I am a white man.............in reality, person is a woman of another race") ad infinitum. 
This son was always naive.  Nothing I could do.  Nothing I could say or I would have totally alienated him.  Course considering he has only called me twice this year.........total alienation isn't far off is it.  No the Army doesn't keep him that busy.  He actually calls it going to work.
Anyway Bamboo..........that is a little more of my story.  No I don't call him.  I don't like being put on speaker phone without knowing it so his wife can listen to the conversation.  And no it's not one of those.......we'll all have a conversation thing.  I'm not asked or told that the speaker phone is on.  I am not respected anymore.  This is the relationship's affect on my son.
So I'm done rambling for today Bamboo. 
Thinking of all the great wise women here.   :D
7
 :)  Thanks Luise.  You said it with good clarity.  That is exactly what I needed.  I realized this somewhat already.  The way I thought of it was, I was once 33 years old.......like ES.  I was living my married life with two young sons.  My issues back then were very different than today and very different than any my on may have.  I lost the nice parent (my dad) when I was 15.  Not having gotten any help with that I have struggled my whole life to achieve peace.  My mom was cold and unaffectionate, where I was always the lovey huggy type and I needed lots of hugs.
Anyway.......I won't analyze myself anymore.  I try to keep it simple.  I try to remember to live just one day at a time.  I am learning that my ES probably doesn't think of himself as estranged.  He is just living his life the way he sees fit.  If he thinks of his mom.........I wouldn't begin to try and guess what he thinks of her.  I don't know.  He only calls when he has something to say and so far this year that has only been twice.  I don't call him because it doesn't feel right and besides.........he puts me on speaker phone (without telling me) I guess so his wife can hear me.  I don't know why.........and I don't ask.  I also won't call because of that.  Plus now they have the new baby.  I have no idea if or when I will ever see my new GD.  But I joined your group because he had said my handicapped brother could not come into their house after the baby is born.  Well sorry.  It is only me and my two brothers now.  And we three stick together.  If one of us is unwelcome.  Then all three of us aren't going.  I don't hurt over the new GC.  My ES knows I can't afford a trip plus hotel.  His in-laws stayed at his house.  But his mom can't?  I am over it today.  I don't care anymore.  I'm having a good, strong day today.  I'm not going anywhere I'm not wanted.  If my son wanted me there he would say so and he would offer to help.  (he can get a discount on hotels for me)  There was no offer.  There was no "I want you here" or "I want my mom to meet my daughter"  or my daughter to meet my mom.
Enough.  Today I can say I'm done.  One day at a time.  Tomorrow I may be back here crying again.
8
Thanks again to everyone.  I am going to be working three nights in a row again, so I won't see you for a few days.  My thoughts are with you.  I hope to be helpful to others soon.
9
Sorry.  I am still new to how this site works.  I just wanted to go back and edit a reply and ended up pasting the whole post a second time with the added sentence.  lol
I am not terrifically tech savvy.
10
Quote from: QuietSong on November 03, 2015, 04:47:27 PM
Thank you all for your loving and caring words.  I work nights (yes I still have to work) and so isn't it logical that I sleep days.  After all of your loving help I began to feel better.  It felt as though I'd taken my power back.  I remembered years ago hearing how we can give our power away.  But I had forgotten about that and had given my power to my DS and DIL.   
Today I still feel empowered and am feeling much more positive.  I feel more in control of my own life and am not focused on their life.  My DS was 27 years old when he chose to join the Army. That was 5 years ago.  That was a shocker since he had never expressed wanting to do that.  He had dreamed of being in the medical field or the veterinary  field to work with animals.  Today he is very good with animals and is very kind to those whom he chooses to be a part of his clan.  I just don't happen to be a part of his clan.
So I will focus on those that welcome me into their lives.  I do have other GC.  They just happen to be twin girls.  :)  I am looking forward to finishing their Christmas gifts.
As for my DB and I we are doing just fine.  I hope to save enough money so that he and I can stay in the Smokey Mountains in the spring and then visit my twin granddaughters during that trip as they live close by.
I have had a string of good days and I wanted to share that with you.  I know how grief works since I have had a lot of deaths and loss in my life.  So I am not done needing you all.  At the same time, I hope to be able to be there for some of you too.
Love and Hugs
11
Thank you all for your loving and caring words.  I work nights (yes I still have to work) and so isn't it logical that I sleep days.  After all of your loving help I began to feel better.  It felt as though I'd taken my power back.  I remembered years ago hearing how we can give our power away.  But I had forgotten about that and had given my power to my DS and DIL.   
Today I still feel empowered and am feeling much more positive.  I feel more in control of my own life and am not focused on their life.  My DS was 27 years old when he chose to join the Army.  That was a shocker since he had never expressed wanting to do that.  He had dreamed of being in the medical field or the veterinary  field to work with animals.  Today he is very good with animals and is very kind to those whom he chooses to be a part of his clan.  I just don't happen to be a part of his clan.
So I will focus on those that welcome me into their lives.  I do have other GC.  They just happen to be twin girls.  :)  I am looking forward to finishing their Christmas gifts.
As for my DB and I we are doing just fine.  I hope to save enough money so that he and I can stay in the Smokey Mountains in the spring and then visit my twin granddaughters during that trip as they live close by.
I have had a string of good days and I wanted to share that with you.  I know how grief works since I have had a lot of deaths and loss in my life.  So I am not done needing you all.  At the same time, I hope to be able to be there for some of you too.
Love and Hugs
12
Oh my gosh,
Thank you all so much for your replies.  I am/was overwhelmed while trying to write about this.  Guess some part of the mind doesn't always like letting it out.  I don't know about you gals but sometimes I feel crazy. :-X
Anyway.  To Bamboo2.........I am so grateful to your questions/suggestions.  Please know that I am writing this with gratitude and kindness.  Too often we can read things as if we are being scolded.  As for visiting my new GC,  I would never leave my DB alone in a motel room for more than an hour.  In some ways he is like a child and would be afraid to be let alone for too long in a strange place.  To drive 10 hours, get a hotel room, drive for so many minutes, visit with ES, DIL and GC for how long?  Maybe 30 minutes then have to leave again because of DB?  That wouldn't work for me.  Going alone is a great idea..........but I have no one to leave DB with and I really do believe I am not welcome in their home either.  My ES has not made any overtures about him wanting his mother to meet his daughter.  Know what I mean?  2 and 1/2 years ago he kept saying how he wanted me at his wedding.  At that time, (I would have made sure I went), my best friend had just died.  We were like sisters and since I have no one else other than another brother who lives half way across the country, another son who also lives half way across the country.........I was devastated over her sudden death.  It will be three years this Feb. since she died and I finally feel that the worst of the grief is behind me.  Happy my ES was getting married.......horrible timing for me.  I was truly not myself.  I was actually having mini blackouts (not fainting).  Loosing time.  My ES told me at his wedding that he had never seen me like this.  All I could say was that it was do to Linda dying.  I told him I was doing my best.  But apparently that was not good enough.  I won't try to write all the little details.  Bottom line.........I was humiliated and criticized.  I promise you, I did not jump up and down on tables......lol......or make a mockery of anyone.
My ES and his wife can use any excuses.  When my other brother and my ex both said they thought it was the DIL, I had to admit to myself that even though she had sweet overtures "before" they were married..........didn't mean she was who she tried to portray. 
Long distant relationships are very difficult.  Both of my sons live in different states from me, their dad and each other.  The ES has preferred his wife family since before they were married.  ES is in the Army and deployed in 2012.  His GF (now his wife) threw him a going away party at her parents house which is a good 18 hour drive.  My DB can't fly because he gets sick.  Besides........we do not have a lot of money for flying and hotels.  Did my ES bother to come see his mother before he left for Afghanistan?  Nope.  And I don't remember if he called even.  Has he been here to see me since he joined the Army in 2009?  Nope.  I've had to drive to see him.<<<<<<<<<Sorry for letting out some anger.  I am so used to taking the blame.  Guess maybe I am starting to wake up and realize..........this is not all my fault. 
Yep Pen..........my DIL prefers her FOO.  Which is ok.  But my ES prefers them too.  DIL and ES have been to her FOO several times since they have gotten together.  They have never been here.  Her FOO is an 18 hour drive for them.  I would only be 10 hours. 
Thanks again Green Thumb.  I work around new mothers.  I don't know how much I can say here, but I also remember how my own hormones affected me when I was  pregnant and afterward.  These two have been acting like this since they got together in 2010.  They are in their own little world and if you are not invited into it (like her FOO) then you are treated different.  It has been one shock after another with this ES behavior.
My mother used to say I was overly sensitive.  I of course took that as another of her put downs.  lol  But she was right on that one.  When I love someone I am vulnerable to their words and actions.  But I believe that is true for anyone. 
Interestingly.........the DIL sent emailed me some pics of the GC.  I have a sneaky suspicion it is to rub salt in the wound.  There was not typed message with the email.  Just the pics.  WHY?   I responded with a simply "thanks for the pics".  I get no messages.  And nothing from my ES.  No texts.  Nothing.
BTW, I think you all should know too, that her family and her friends will be staying at their house as they come into town.  They have a large house, where my DB and I did stay in the past.  I'd guess it to be about 3000 sq ft.  To me that is large.  lol
So I'm ok for now.  I hope I answered any questions.  I feel a ray of sunshine/hope. I also already feel a loving bond starting to grow with all of you.
I will be working the next two nights, so I won't be on here much if at all.
Thanks so much for your love, hugs and kindness.
13
Dear Green Thumb,
Thanks so much again for taking the time to reply to my cry for help.  I was in another fog last night when I wrote my first blog here that you replied to.  I do have another brother and he and I have resolved what to do should I pass before our younger (handicapped) brother.  The point I was attempting was that my ES went from "oh no absolutely no resident homes for my uncle" to "uncle is not allowed in my house".  I personally did not expect my ES to take my DB in but was so emotionally moved by the gesture"............that when he made this "no entry" announcement Last June I went in to shock. My other brother went into a rage but recovered shortly afterwards. My ex husband (ES father) have always been on friendly terms. He thinks that all of this is my DIL. As does everyone else I talk to.
I agree that I need a new mindset and am struggling to get there. I have good moments and bad moments. Good days and bad days. I just had this set back when my new granddaughter was born. I don't know if I will get to see her in person. I do have relatives that have emailed me pics of her. None of which came from my son. That's why I call him ES. He very rarely communicates with me and I chose to not contact him because he usually sounds as if I am bothering him.
Anyway,  thanks again. I am so glad I found this site. I count all of you and Louise as blessings
14
My story is probably the same as others here.  I have been in a lot of pain for 2 and 1/2 years.  I have two sons.  The oldest was independent the day he was born lol.  The youngest was our little lovey. He would just put his arms around your neck when you picked him up.  So sweet.  Today he his 33 years old and has changed in the last 5 years from a very kind and loving person and son, to someone who can't be bothered.  I don't understand this change, but I can tell you it started when he met his wife.  I know the saying about a son is a son till he takes a wife.  But I never expected it to become an estranged relationship.  I have an adult nephew who does not treat his parents this way. 
I have a brother who is handicapped that lives with me.  My ES lived with us for 6 years and was always good to my brother and myself.  When he decided to strike out on his own, I was happy for him.  We continued to have a bond between us, but understand he was not a mama's boy.  Neither of my sons are/were mama's boys.  I didn't want that anyway.  When we ended up living in different states, we continued to stay close via the phone.  Like I said all was well  until he met his wife.  I had no problem with him falling in love etc.  But it was painful because he stopped calling me.  I didn't understand it and when I asked him about it he laughed and said he was busy.  I wasn't used to this, but tried to accept it.
My mother always said that I was overly sensitive.  I guess I am.  I try not to be.  I have tried to grow a thick skin. 
Today this ES is a new father.  My new granddaughter was born a little over a week ago.  I do not feel welcome to go see her since my ES announced that my handicapped brother is not allowed in my ES house.  My brother has Downes Syndrome and has done nothing to warrant this treatment.  My brother is a very sweet person and my ES knows this.  My ES does not want my brother around his daughter and made this announcement last June.  I was so shocked.  I told my family members and they all said that they thought it came from my DIL.  Of course I can not ask my ES about it because he would just get very angry and yell at me.  I would be accused and blamed for it all.  I am tired of being the punching bag. 
Last July is when I found WWU.  I have been coming here off and on for comfort and finally got the courage to tell you my story.  There is much more to tell, but I am starting to get nauseous so I better stop.  Bottom line............I feel kicked to the curb and not good enough to see my new GC.
15
Thank you so much for your reply Green Thumb.  I feel confident enough to start a new comment and to tell my story.  I need the women here.