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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: love3 on July 16, 2015, 05:59:49 PM

Title: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on July 16, 2015, 05:59:49 PM
To you good mil's : Who can say they came into their dil's life being accepting ?
who can say they had the best intentions from the beginning? Who can say they couldn't wait to have a relationship with their new dil WITHOUT meddling, being controlling, or intrusive ?
Who can say they came into the relationship staying out of their DS and DIL business? Who can say they have never talked bad about their dil in any way shape or form throughout the relationship only to find out your dil hates you and doesn't want you around because she is insecure and only wants your DS for herself?

Im not a mil yet , but I am a dil who came into the relationship feeling all these things a good mil would feel. I understand the hurt, confusion, frustration, and anger. It seems like your either a good mil with a bad dil, or a bad mil with a good dil. Good mil and dil relationships are lucky !

Just had to vent this out  :) ;) :D Love all you good mils!
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Lillycache on July 17, 2015, 05:49:44 AM
I certainly can say all those things...
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Green Thumb on July 17, 2015, 12:47:54 PM
Love3, I am not sure what you are asking but I will say people are people. There are nice ones and not nice ones. Some are loving, some are hateful. Family relationships are sometimes tough. Some mothers and a few fathers want to be in charge of their kids lives forever, including as the children turn into adults. For some parents, being overly involved with the adult children and grandchildren is a way of ignoring the need to have one's own friends, one's own job, one's own life.

And then there are those who just want to be nice, be loved and be loving back. Who don't meddle, criticize, say mean things, get competitive or take over the grandchildren. Those who have their own lives, their own friends, keep learning new things and doing new things, etc.

You'll have to decide which type you want to be as time keeps marching on. It is good to think about this now, because if a person wants to be the type that can answer "who can say" -- then that person has to walk the walk and talk the talk.

Many of us can say yes to who can say.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Pooh on July 22, 2015, 01:08:48 PM
I can say that I was accepting.  I can say I had good intentions.  I can say I wanted to have a good relationship with DIL, and I'm very non-intrusive, controlling or meddling.

I can't say I came into the relationship staying out of their business or that I didn't speak badly of her.  But mine started when OS was a Senior in High School and DIL was a year older and in College, so it threw a whole new dynamic in our situation.  He still had house rules, curfew, needed to get homework done, etc.  She didn't have any of those things any longer and stayed mad at me because there were times where I would not let her come over because he was not finished with a school project or paper that evening.  She resented it and always took it personally that I was trying to keep her away from him.  I really wasn't.  I was trying to keep him on track with finishing school and getting ready for college.  We worked hours on college scholarships and I would literally have to take his phone away because she would call every five minutes, or text him every minute.  Even after he would tell her that he would have to call her later, we were working on these things, she would still do it until I would take the phone and turn it off.  Then she would show up in the driveway and I'd have to go out and tell her that she couldn't come in.  When I tried to let her in and would say, "You can come in but you'll have to watch TV or something until we are done."  She would interrupt every five minutes or if he and I were talking about something, she would interject and tell us we should be doing it another way.

I could go on and on, but yes, I was in their business as far as clashing with parenting duties.  I did speak badly to him about her, and to her face directly a couple of times because I was getting so frustrated.  I also took the time to explain to her that his inability to see her that evening had nothing to do with her, but his procrastination of waiting until the last minute to do something for school.  I wasn't the only one having this type of thing.  He had 6-8 friends that would group up at a house on a Friday evening and play video games until all hours of the night.  There were about 4 of us parents, that took turns hosting them, because trust me, 8 High School Boys will eat you out of house and home.  He would tell her that he was going over to their house and would see her the next day.  She would show up in the driveway.  His friends were even asking me to talk to him about her...she was driving them nuts too.

So I had conversations with him about how although it was great to be dating someone that wanted to be with you all the time, that he still needed to make time for his friends as well.  I found out later that he was telling her everything I said and she took everything that I said as I was wanting him away from her.

Am I sorry?  This sounds bad, but no.  I would do it all over again the same way.  My responsibility as his parent was to get him through High School and hopefully on to College (which he wanted to do).  Did that make me great MIL material in her eyes?  Probably not.

And love3, I bet you're a great DIL!  Too bad you got stuck with a bad MIL.  Sorry.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: NewMama on July 23, 2015, 07:19:55 AM
I think "good MIL" and "good DIL" are relative terms. Someone can be a "good" IL to one person and a "bad" IL to another. Sometimes there's just some level of incompatibility. My MIL always wanted me to just fade into the background when she was around - not go near or look after my kids. That's not my parenting style. I know people who are more than happy to just hand their kid off to grandma whenever she's around. That's their parenting style. It's an incompatibility between us. Those people would be "good DILs" for her. I am not.

In the reverse of what Pooh said, I know that there are things I've done that greatly upset my MIL, but they were done in what I felt was my kids best interests (especially with ODS in infancy). Years later, I still feel that way, and would do it again even knowing full well the damage it's caused our relationship. Incompatibility.

My grandmother had three DILs - she got along with 2, and not at all with the third. Why? Each person had her own values and personality. Some traits made it easy to get along, and in one case, it didn't.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on July 23, 2015, 11:59:08 PM
I take pride in knowing that I can say all these things, knowing that I  never ruined the relationship  and that I am a happy good person who accepts and loves everyone and I know there are mill's out there who can say the same,  I can relate to you and I feel for you . 
New mama I also think it's a compatibility/incompatibility thing. Different values, morals, and personalities are always going to be there . People need to respect and accept these differences always,  as long if they're not hurting you . Its hard for mils to let go , yes that is very well established  but when it gets too out of hand to the point where the relationship between  the mil and  dil is officially broken, it can take a long time to repair. I could never imagine making my DH neglecting his family people who have done no harm to me in any way  just because I don't want to share him?  I just don't have the heart to do that.

Mil' s please get through your head that your son is an adult,  your dil is an aldult accept that and treat them with respect  just how you would another aldult. Your time of raising kids is over and now it's their time you should be proud and happy about it!

Dil' s don't make your DH stop seeing his loving and accepting  family because you don't like to share that's the meanest thing you can do to your DH you should be happy they love you and want you in their life! 

Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: lrubyhumbird on July 24, 2015, 06:48:19 AM
When you have a manipulative dil who has her own agenda that is difficult. I don't like it when people are phony. My dil.mentally abuses my dS. She has Bpd.She has lied made up stuff etc. The pattern continues. I want no part of it . So my dS decides to keep my gC, from me to punish me. The only one suffering is the GC.I can't miss what I never had. I  was a great mother to him. I tried so hard to get along with my dil. I bought her things she wanted. Helped her get over her alcoholic problems. I am tired of walking on egg shells around her. It is her way or the highway. My ds. Backs  her  manipulation tactics. I owe them nothing.   Some of this generation lacks respect. They just don't get it. One day when their children turn on them, then they will learn what they taught their children through their utter selfishness. You must give to receive and visa versa.It isn't a one way street.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on July 24, 2015, 12:38:41 PM
lrubyhumbird : Your dil sounds like a handful! Mental abuse, bipolar disorder, alcohol , phoniness, she sounds like shes on a way different level! Im so sorry you have this kind of dil . My mil is phony, has made up lies to my dh, has plenty of manipulation tactics , and might have some type of personality disorder is what I feel like too maybe bipolar? aha. Because we know of the typical controlling intrusive mil , some dils use this as an advantage to make even the most nicest mil look like the "typical bad one" to their ds , and of course their dh gives in to manipulation. totally not fair.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on July 24, 2015, 12:50:17 PM
Also Lruby, I think the best thing you can do with a dil like this is to let them know you are always there for them , and if you find it hard to be around them then don't. . Your dil is very immature , things can get better if she realizes this and starts working with you . This is happening for a reason , whatever problems situation your ds and dil are in will come out to show later and your ds will see the reality hopefully, hopefully the both see.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Stilllearning on July 24, 2015, 12:53:07 PM
Oh Love3 I remember when I had the whole thing figured out!  I wish I could go back to that time.  Enjoy it while you can!

Good luck!
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Green Thumb on July 24, 2015, 02:59:59 PM
There are some people that are just "toxic" and no matter what you do, they are difficult to be around, cause problems, are unhappy, complain, etc. etc. etc. We can let these types of people ruin our lives or we can learn to have boundaries and detach from them emotionally. It sounds harsh but is many people's reality.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on July 24, 2015, 03:19:34 PM
Green thumb- I am in that reality , except I never knew hard it is to detach from my mil after everything it should be easy ! She is not happy no matter how much you try to please her. It does sound harsh but I have to protect my family .

Still learning I guess I will enjoy it thanks! haha.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Monroe on July 26, 2015, 07:40:08 AM
Quote from: Pooh on July 22, 2015, 01:08:48 PM
  But mine started when OS was a Senior in High School and DIL was a year older and in College, so it threw a whole new dynamic in our situation.  He still had house rules, curfew, needed to get homework done, etc.  .  .  .  .  .  .  I was trying to keep him on track with finishing school and getting ready for college. 


Like Pooh,  our DIL came into our lives when DS was still in school.   Early early college.  I didn't need to be as involved as Pooh was, since he was out of high school, living away from home, etc.  But he met her when he was not even 21 years old, had over 4 years of school left, which we were paying for entirely, and our parenting was not quite done yet.   When he lived at home in the summers, he had to have a curfew, not because we were controlling him, but because we had to get up and go to work the next day, and it wasn't fair to keep us up all hours. 

So he resented some of the restrictions -- probably shared that with her.   So maybe she resented us for that.   Too bad.   Once he graduated and we were not supporting him, we had ZERO rules for him.   Fine.  He was not living with us, he could stay up all night, didn't bother us.  We weren't paying for anything. 

We included her on one family trip.  She seemed to think it was a getaway for the two of them and that we were in the way.  She didn't realize SHE was the add-on.   

I realized later that because he was still so young and we were still paying for everything, we thought of him as still part of our family, and that it was nice of us to include her in our family trip.   Maybe they thought of themselves as the primary unit.   I think they disregarded the fact they were not self-sufficient, they just wanted to be alone and decided it was us who was in the way.   Ooops!

Might things have gone better if he didn't meet her until he had worked a few years?   Maybe.  Because we are totally hands-off, non-meddling.  But it is tough if they meet their true love during that transition stage - when they are still dependent on the parents and the parents do have reasonable rules - but they think of themselves completely as adults.  (disregard that $$$$$ we shell out every year to the university, folks)   

And as long as we were paying for everything, we  got to set some rules.  They didn't like it, but too bad.   Now they are both graduated, have jobs, support themselves.  We express no opinions, give no advice, do not drop in, do not meddle in the least.   She still doesn't like us. 

Oh, well. 

Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on August 03, 2015, 01:28:44 PM
I am with NewMama on this.  I am both a MIL and DIL.  I have never enjoyed spending time with my MIL.  So far I seem to have a good relationship with my DIL.  None of us is 100% good or 100% bad and sometimes the mix of two people is not good.  And there seems to be built-in problems with the MIL/DIL relationship.  I think I am more sensitive to the plight of DIL's because my relationship with my MIL was so difficult.  One thing I have learned from my relationship with my MIL is that as a MIL, I am a guest in my children's life and their family and not the other way around.  It is their family, their home and their way of doing things and if I get to be a part of that it is a privilege.    I don't have the right to dictate to them how to run their lives, even if I don't agree with how they do things. That doesn't mean they get to tell me how to live my life or what I should do for them either. 
When I entered into marriage with my husband, I was eager to please my inlaws.  However they viewed the situation as I was joining their family and needed to adapt to them, and so I tried.   When I didn't adapt to all the things they liked and believed, I was criticized. I wish I would have realized that the criticism should not have been taken personally, because it was about them and not me.   When we were all together, it was about what they wanted.  I felt like an outsider who didn't fit in.  When it was just my husband and I and our kids, I felt fine.  I felt like my husband and I made joint decisions with the kids about what we wanted to do, eat, etc. and live our lives.  When my inlaws were around, they wanted to take over in my kitchen and made comments about the way I did things that were different from them.  I think my inlaws were good parents and did a good job raising their kids, but they didn't make the transistion very well to being parents of adult married kids with lives of their own and because of that I was the one that suffered.  However I could have avoided a lot of suffering if I hadn't been so eager to please them, and had been more assertive.  My husband and I should not have allowed the criticism and should not have allowed them to take over when WE invited them to OUR house.  I will never do that to my kids and their spouses.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: lrubyhumbird on August 03, 2015, 04:55:51 PM
I too had a difficult mil. We were still a divided country in her eyes. So I was the enemy from the start. I too tried too hard to please... It did not work with my mil. I couldn't  be like her, so I again tried too hard to please and got taken for granted and manipulated in the process. It has always been about them, No respect. So when I finally said NO to something , it was hard for them to process.My Ds was shocked. It felt GREAT! The power of NO was amazing.... I will never be manipulated again. I never got involved unless asked but it was getting too much with all of my dil problems. He married her, he can deal with it. Put on his big boy pants and be an adult...
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Monroe on August 08, 2015, 10:47:34 AM
Quote from: confusedbyinlaws on August 03, 2015, 01:28:44 PM

One thing I have learned from my relationship with my MIL is that as a MIL, I am a guest in my children's life and their family and not the other way around.  It is their family, their home and their way of doing things and if I get to be a part of that it is a privilege.    I don't have the right to dictate to them how to run their lives, even if I don't agree with how they do things. That doesn't mean they get to tell me how to live my life or what I should do for them either. 
When I entered into marriage with my husband, I was eager to please my inlaws.  However they viewed the situation as I was joining their family and needed to adapt to them, and so I tried.   When I didn't adapt to all the things they liked and believed, I was criticized. I wish I would have realized that the criticism should not have been taken personally, because it was about them and not me. 


Hi Confused - I agree with you- - I am a guest in my son's and DIL's life, now that he is self-supporting, etc.  My job was to raise him to be independent and self sufficient.  I have succeeded in that - and I am totally a guest in his life NOW. 

But when they were both still in school and we were supporting DS, paying all tuition, room, board, etc.,  and she joined us on a family trip, all of HER expenses paid by us as well - she was a guest in our lives.  I don't think you were directing any comment at me, but I think the situation  both Pooh and I  faced with the son finding the true love at a very early stage in life, when education not completed, when son still totally financially dependent on parents, when our parenting job is not done - is very different from a situation where the son is through with school, has a job, is not living at parents' house, is not taking $$$ from parents  In that situation, our parenting job is done, we are not paying for anything and we have no right to call the shots at all.   

I think we agree - just wanted to point out the difference in when the son is young and our parenting is not over, and when the son is out of school, on his own financially, and our parenting IS over, at which point we are nothing more than guests in his life.   

I also liked and totally agree with your comment that "they (don't) get to tell me how to live my life or what I should do for them either."

Hooray.  I am enjoying my freedom.   How about you?
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on August 10, 2015, 07:02:45 AM
Monroe,  my comments were not directed at you and Pooh.  I was just speaking of my own experience.  It's a different experience when the son is not yet grown and you are still responsible for them. 
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on August 19, 2015, 06:11:17 PM
Oh my gosh . To the people saying when their son was in school blah blah blah.

If your son/daughter is UNDER the age of 18 and still in school. Yes, you get to have rules in your house. That DOES NOT mean you get to control who they want to be with and love.

If doesn't matter if your son is still at home waiting to graduate or in college . It doesn't matter that your paying for his books, tuition, own apartment, car, loans. IT DOESNT MATTER. They are over the age of 18 stop trying to control how they live their life and who they get to see. Just because your paying for their things does not mean you get to "call the shots". Their big boys by then. The only reason some mil's do this is to KEEP continuing for their sons to "NEED" them.

Just because your dil came into your sons life during high school, in college DOES NOT mean you get to treat her like poop and try to break up their relationship ,and CONTROL them as well JUST because your paying for your sons things. It does not work that way. Your dil is a human being , a person just like you. That is why you mils have problems with your dil's.  You treated them badly before so you broke that relationship for the future . Cause and effect people.

It doesn't matter what school situation your son is in that doesn't give you the right to treat your dil badly. If it was that much of a problem your son could get his own job and pay for their own things like they should have learned by the age of 18. If that wasn't possible well guess what? You still don't get to treat your dil like crap beneath your shoe!

Just had to say my piece that ALOT of others were thinking and I'm sure wanted to say. And now I'm out of here!
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Monroe on August 19, 2015, 10:23:17 PM
Quote from: love3 on August 19, 2015, 06:11:17 PM
Oh my gosh . To the people saying when their son was in school blah blah blah.

If your son/daughter is UNDER the age of 18 and still in school. Yes, you get to have rules in your house. That DOES NOT mean you get to control who they want to be with and love.

If doesn't matter if your son is still at home waiting to graduate or in college . It doesn't matter that your paying for his books, tuition, own apartment, car, loans. IT DOESNT MATTER. They are over the age of 18 stop trying to control how they live their life and who they get to see. Just because your paying for their things does not mean you get to "call the shots". Their big boys by then. The only reason some mil's do this is to KEEP continuing for their sons to "NEED" them.

Just because your dil came into your sons life during high school, in college DOES NOT mean you get to treat her like poop and try to break up their relationship ,and CONTROL them as well JUST because your paying for your sons things. It does not work that way. Your dil is a human being , a person just like you. That is why you mils have problems with your dil's.  You treated them badly before so you broke that relationship for the future . Cause and effect people.

It doesn't matter what school situation your son is in that doesn't give you the right to treat your dil badly. If it was that much of a problem your son could get his own job and pay for their own things like they should have learned by the age of 18. If that wasn't possible well guess what? You still don't get to treat your dil like crap beneath your shoe!

Just had to say my piece that ALOT of others were thinking and I'm sure wanted to say. And now I'm out of here!

Pooh and I were the ones who had sons find their true loves while still in school, so thank you for the blah, blah, blah. 

Yes, we get to have rules when the son is young and in school.  No, that doesn't mean we control who they love.  Nothing Pooh or I ever posted even hinted at that, so I think you have completely misread anything Pooh or I ever posted. 

Paying for their books, tuition, etc. does give us the right to set some rules - like they have to keep their grades up if they expect us to continue to pay for all that.  Pooh's rules for having her son study, etc. was NOT to have her son still NEED her.  It was so he would get a good education and be independent and self-sufficient as I dare say 90% or more of MILs want their sons to be.   There is also no hint that either Pooh or I treated the girlfriend like poop and tried to break up their relationship and control them as well.  We did not treat them badly.  We simply wanted our sons to get their education so they could be successful adults with whatever woman they chose to spend their lives.  Yes, sons could have turned down any financial help for college, and graduated with $100,000 in debt.   

What a great way to start married life.  How much nicer that they got to start with zero student loans.   

Nothing ever posted ever so much as hinted that either of our DILs were treated like crap beneath our shoes. 

This forum is supposed to be a constructive exchange of thoughts.   Your "Blah, blah, blah" comment and accusations that either Pooh or I have treated the DILs badly, like crap beneath our shoes are unwarranted and inappropriate. 

I have read enough of Pooh's posts over the last few years to feel comfortable betting a large sum of money that she has never treated anyone like crap.   I believe apologies are due. 
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on August 20, 2015, 12:45:00 AM
Look, the only thing I'm targeting is the school issue.  People are on here discussing and wondering why their dil's  dislike them so much or have a problem with them. I am giving you an honest insight .
Getting good grades of course should be an expectation.  But what if your son doesn't keep up with grades,  what if he drops out of college? Is that your dil's fault? No it's not. What if he starts of his marriage having to pay back school loans?  Or with a low paying job? So what? At least he's happy with what he decided and who he wants to be with. Everything the son did is his choice point blank period! You can say you wanted the best for him of course, fine. But that does not give the mil any right or reason to put down the dil in any way and blame her for anything that went wrong during his schooling.  Obviously the mil did or said something for the dil to have a problem with her.  I'm done here now. Go ahead and attack me for speaking the obvious truth ! I'm not discussing this any further.  Good luck! 😊
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: jdtm on August 20, 2015, 05:06:10 AM
QuoteObviously the mil did or said something for the dil to have a problem with her.

Not necessarily.  We were accused of things we never said, never did, ere never even thought.  People with mental health issues usually misconstrue words, actions and attitudes.  Unfortunately, it took me years to figure this out and years to realize why our ex-DIL was so - shall we say - difficult.  Usually, things are not black and white.  Of course the opposite could be the situation - the MIL having mental health issues and the DIL being the "victim".
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Lillycache on August 20, 2015, 06:00:31 AM
I think we all should take the opportunity to again be thankful for Louise and her providing us a safe place to vent and discuss our issues.  This if anything should remind us all of WHY this forum was created and why it was necessary.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: PatiencePlease on August 20, 2015, 07:21:08 AM
The older I become, the more I choose to color the world and the people who live in it as gray. 

We all have faults, we all have gifts.  I would rather live my days appreciating the gifts and forgiving the faults of others. 

Life and relationships can not be categorized as simply black and white.  Life is way too short to judge others.  Appreciate each day and let some of the annoyances roll off -- it just isn't worth it to let the annoyances darken your days or perceptions.

Yes, I'm feeling sentimental today.  I'm in the midst of welcoming new grand babies while slowly and sadly closing the door on my aging parents.  Bittersweet, yet grateful.

Just wanted to put my public service announcement in for today  ....  :) 

Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: lrubyhumbird on August 20, 2015, 08:06:55 AM
No one should try to control or manipulated anyone. Mil or Dil! To have a genuine relationship it should not be one sided with the man stuck in the middle. It is not fair to him. But when they are young and needing the parents still, yes the parents have a right to handle certain things as long as ds is being financially supported. There is nothing unreasonable about it. Once Ds becomes 18 he is an adult but not yet indepedent,there needs to be boundaries set. Parents need to be respected, otherwise go out and support yourself. After 18 parents owe you nothing. And the Dil needs to remember she wouldn't have such a great guy without the parents help. RESPECT of everything parents do is what is missing.
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on August 20, 2015, 03:30:30 PM
One last thing. My point is:  NOTHING and I mean NOTHING gives the mil the right  to put down, disrespect, control and belittle the dil. Not the age, not before the age of 18 , not during the age of 18, and not after the age of 18. If your dil disrespects you or starts problems with you personally that's a different issue that needs handling. But she is not to blame for your sons future.  The only way you get to have rules in your home is if your son lives with you and is under the age of 18 . If he still lives with you after the age of 18 he is not obliged to follow your rules besides being respectful to his parents , he's not going to follow your rules at the age of 18 (such curfews, what to eat, who to see and who to date!) just because he lives with you . Kick him out if you don't like it. Your kids already start to take a life of their own when their about to graduate high school. This is the learning to accept and let go!
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Lillycache on August 20, 2015, 04:47:53 PM
Love3...   Not one of us needs to be lectured by YOU..   You said you were leaving... Now go..    Hopefully Louise will step in and remove your posts..   This is NOT what this site is about.. 
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: love3 on August 20, 2015, 05:18:01 PM
I bet you would like my posts deleted because it's the truth.  Even though  I'm the one who started this topic that you responded to. You all are so quick to complain, gang up and talk about your sons and dil's on this site but how dare a dil has a voice of her own!!! I am leaving thank you.  And you can stay here on this site forever complaining about your sons , dils , and how you have no relationship with, who won't let you see their kids, etc. You reap what you sow ! 

Still love you good TRUE  always respectful mother in laws and no disrespect to you!
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Monroe on August 20, 2015, 05:29:20 PM
Quote from: love3 on August 20, 2015, 05:18:01 PM
You all are so quick to complain, gang up . . . . . .   And you can stay here on this site forever complaining about your sons , dils ,   


What I see on this site are MILs who are sometimes bewildered by an adult child or DIL or SIL's behavior, who are seeking understanding.  Like me, they often don't ever understand - but they learn acceptance.  That they don't need to understand WHY.   They only need to accept that it IS.  So I do not see the complaining, ganging up MILs that you see.   I see well-intentioned MILs, sometimes hurting MILs, who soon realize they don't need to understand, only that they need to accept. 

Maybe take a look from a different perspective. 
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Stilllearning on August 20, 2015, 11:40:18 PM
Love3 there are a lot of lessons out there for everyone.  Once you have raised your children and seen them happily married you may see life a little differently.  Until then I think this site has nothing to offer you.  You want to change OUR attitudes, not understand how to handle your situation.  Anyone who wants to convince us that they are right and we are wrong is a bad fit for this site.  The ones who benefit from this site are the ones who are just looking for answers and this site honestly does not have any answers.  It has acceptance.  It has a safe place to vent.  It has a feeling of not being alone.  You, unfortunately, have not gotten any of that from this site.  I wish you luck in your endeavors and peace in your life.  I wish you an end to the anger I feel pouring from your keyboard.  Good luck!
Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Pooh on August 21, 2015, 01:17:54 PM
Well now.  This took an ugly turn for some reason.  First and foremost, although I am involved with this conversation on a personal level, I am also a moderator and we don't allow anyone, no matter if it's MIL or DIL to be disrespectful to another member.  We will allow a certain amount of "discussion" but we do not allow someone to just be flat out disrespectful.

Now that I have that out of the way...I will answer the "truths" you put out there.  Respect is a two way street.  Yes, my Son was 17 when he started dating his now Wife, who was 19 at the time.  Yes, he was starting his Senior year of school and starting College applications.  Yes, he wanted to attend a certain college that was about 3 hours from home.  That was his dream, not mine.  I was a typical parent.  I wanted both of my Sons to attend college because I knew how tough life would be without a degree in today's time...but, it was and has always been their choice.  He was told that if he wanted to go to college, we would help as much as possible, but he was also responsible to do his part, which was keep his grades up and fill out all of the appropriate paperwork, essays, etc. that it took to apply for his scholarships.  He continued to say that he wanted to attend this certain college.  After my now DIL came into the picture, she came to me and said, "Hey, he needs to go the same college I do here locally."  I asked her why that was?  Her answer, "So we can be together."  I responded, "Well, if he wants to do that, that's up to him."  That was it.  I asked him later if he had chaned his mind and if he wanted to attend the local one now.  His answer, "No.  But she wants me to."  My answer, "Well, you know that you have to follow your dreams.  You can still see her, it's not that far."  That was it.  She told him to stop filling out applications for his dream school and I encouraged him to continue.

It went downhill from there.  She was at my house almost every evening.  I cooked every evening and she would fix a plate, leave her dirty dishes in the living room and leave without so much as a thank you.  I finally confronted my Son about it and told him that just like any of his "male" guests, he was responsible for either having them clean up after themselves or he was responsible for doing it.  He basically told her to start cleaning up after herself or he was going to have to do it.  She was mad at me about it.  He and I had an interview with a school counselor after one of his High School Basketball games.  Immediately afterwards.  It was his last chance to apply for a scholarship and this counselor was nice enough to meet with us on the very last night of the deadline, at 10:00 pm after a basketball game, because my Son had procrastinated.  DIL/Girlfriend was at the game and afterwards, came up to me while he was in the dressing room changing and said, "Hey.  He's going with me to Sonic to eat when he comes out."  I responded, "He can't.  We have an immediate meeting with a counselor as soon as he comes out."  She stomped her foot, and screamed, "You can't tell him what to do!"  She did this in front of 50 other parents, teachers, coaches, etc.  I was very embarrassed.  I said nothing, but when my Son came out, I told him he very much needed to have a talk with her.  That I would no longer be disrespected and especially not in front of a crowd like that.  I never confronted her over any of these situations, because to me, that was something my Son needed to do.  They were dating.

I could go on and on and on.  So before you think that I was disrespectful of her, you might want to read the "truth" of how it was at my house.  I still, after they were engaged, did their entire rehearsal dinner, held the wedding at my parent's house (their choice) and tried every way in the world to let bygones be bygones.  I never once, after he graduated, told him or her what to do, where to go, how to do it.  The day after the wedding, she told him that they did not need his family any longer, they had hers.  I tried for two years to reconnect with them and start fresh.  My parenting job was over and I wanted to try to have an adult relationship.  She wanted nothing to do with it.  I can't change that.  That is their decision.

Now, the big question.  Put in the same position, I would do the exact same thing again.  So, before you think I must have done something, you might want to consider that she might have done something.  Respect is a two way street.  I also know that there are DILS's out there that got the shaft with their MIL's and that they didn't do anything.  They simply married the MIL's Son which made them the enemy.  I also know that from experience.  That's the difference between you and I.  I have been on both sides of the equation and neither are pretty or fun.

Title: Re: Who can say?
Post by: Pooh on August 21, 2015, 01:19:02 PM
And I will close this thread now that she says she's left.