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Problem Solving => Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters => Topic started by: Ree on August 01, 2010, 10:17:26 PM

Title: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: Ree on August 01, 2010, 10:17:26 PM
Hello all,
My 24 y/o son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has a 16 y/o son, a 15 y/o and an 11 y/o daughters!
She is manipulating him to the hilt!  He is no longer interested in going back to college and his temporary job is about to end in 2 weeks!  She works the same temp job and will be losing her job too.  He's talking about marrying her and having a baby with her!  He asked me if I wanted to meet her and I told him no thanks.  Yesterday was my birthday and since I rarely see my son He and I took a road trip to a topiary garden.  The woman called him 5 times while he was driving me to the garden!  He was texting her back and forth whle we were at the garden and became frustrated with her and said I told you we'll talk about it when I get back. I'm trying to spend time with mom today because it's her 50th birthday."  Feeling proud of him for finally speaking up to her , We completed our trip, ate lunch and headed back.  Well, 30 minutes later the woman had her 11 y/o daughter call my son and he spoke to the girl for a few minutes and then finally told her (the child) that he was spending time with his mother on her birthday and he would see her later.  After he hung up he told me that the girl (the 11 y/o) said to tell me happy birthday! 
Am I wrong for feeling that this woman is emotionally unstable and her lack of parenting skills are WACKO?  She told my son that she hopes when they have kids that "their" baby won't have the same vision problems he has (my son wears glasses)  BABY?! ANOTHER CHILD at 34 when you don't even have a job and neither does the intended father (my 24 y/o inexperienced son)?!  I say again WTF?!  Her children's father supposedly beat her when they were together (for 15 years but they never got married)...he's now married and has more children with his wife.  She constantly tells my son about her past relationships with other men. (she's only dated 2 guys in her whole life (at age 34! (WOMAN PLEEEEEEEZE)  each one turned out bad because the guy was abusive according to her) She keeps telling my son that he's probably going to be the same way and she can't trust any man...blah,blah,blah. But she calls him 5 times within 15 min of him leaving her to visit his own mother? If the man was so bad why did YOU KEEP HAVING children with him?  HUH? What the heck?  She still talks about her children's father and still has the children visit with him and his wife.  My son has met the 36 y/o man and even though they had no qualms with each other .  My son is now bad mouthing the 36 y/o man too...  This is manipulation in it's simpliest form to me.  My son plays computer games and X-box with her 16 y/o son!  I tried desperately not to get upset and I was successful until the woman's daughter called my son (call number 6 in a 45 min time period)  Am I wrong to have said that I didn't want to meet this woman?  Isn't there something seriously wrong here?  I was a single mother with my son (His dad and I were married for 11 years and divorced when he was 5 years old).  He is an only child so I realize that I may be in a protective mode, but...Help!
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: luise.volta on August 01, 2010, 10:28:03 PM
Please reread the agreement about the language that is not allowed and the abbreviations, as well. Thanks. I modified your post, accordingly.

My sense is that your son is of age and is going to make his own choice here. And I agree that any way you can counsel him to step back and take a long look at what he is about to get himself into is worth a try. The whole thing is loaded. No wonder you don't want to meet her.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: Ree on August 01, 2010, 10:39:08 PM
...sorry about the abbreviations. :-[  just over venting...won't happen again.  I had a flash forward to the future and I don't see my son happy.  He seemed weary not happy, the whole time he was telling me about her.  Thanks for your insight Louise.  I'm calmer now.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: luise.volta on August 01, 2010, 10:47:18 PM
It's awful when we see our young adult (kids) on the brink of what is so obviously a huge mistake. It sounds like he has a great relationship with you so maybe you can help. Sending good thoughts your way.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: Ree on August 16, 2010, 10:39:03 PM
Well, my son asked me again if I wanted to meet his new "girl" friend.  I said no thanks again. After he told me more about what's been happening, I got up the courage to tell him how I feel about the whole mess. I told him the woman is too old for him to get serious about.  I told him she was manipulattive and she seems clueless about her daughters safety. I had not been sleeping well after the woman's 11 y/o daughter called my son again this time "just to talk".  I told him to protect himself by never speaking to the girl or her sister (14 y/o) again on the phone w/o their mother's knowledge.  I told him to ask immediately if the mother knows they are calling him and ask to speak to the mother.  I told him to tell the mother that it is inappropriate to allow her 11 y/o daughter to call him, be alone with him, or sit on any 24 y/o MAN's lap! (Yes, the mother was watching and said nothing!)  My son said he felt "uncomfortable" and now he stands up the whole time he's there to keep the girls from sitting on his lap or even near him. MY SON said HE FELT uncomfortable!  The mother's reaction was to join them on the sofa by sitting next to my son.  It was "family time" to her and her other daughter (a 14 y/o) who sat on the other side of my son and laid her head on his shoulder.   I told my son that his reaction was the right one and to speak up as well as keep standing up if this "family time" incident is about to happen again.  He said he would just hang out with the 16 y/o boy and/or the woman from now on and say No to "baby" sitting  the pre-teen and teenage daughters alone even if the mother is just in the next room! The girls wink at him & tell him they miss him.  The woman(the mother) says the same thing to him.  My son said he "feels nervous" when they do that and smiles or looks away to hide it.  Am I the only mother who thinks this whole scene is CREEPY?  What kind of mother would...Am I over reacting?
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: luise.volta on August 16, 2010, 11:02:13 PM
It sounds like a mess to me and a dangerous one. At the same time, your son has to step up to the plate and become an adult and think for himself. It's good that you are talking and being open and he's listening, though. He has put himself in a situation where he has to grow up fast.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: Pen on August 16, 2010, 11:25:40 PM
Your son may end up in a very serious legal situation. May he extricate himself quickly and safely before he's accused of something awful. Creepy doesn't begin to describe this!
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: cadagi101 on August 16, 2010, 11:42:53 PM
Hi Ree, my thoughts on this are....when I read the first half of your post I thought doesn't sound unusual, quite disturbing for a mother but sometimes these things happen with our adult children and we make the most of it.  When reading your post today it is a completely different kettle of fish.   Your son can't put himself in that position again ever.    You wouldn't know what this woman has up her sleeve  Is there anything in this relationship that is positive?     The 11 year old is probably unaware but the 14 year old is in danger territory and knows how to manipulate a situation.    This is so creepy it gave me goosebumps..That woman should not allow any man to be alone with her daughters that in itself say's a lot about the type person she is.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 05:07:25 AM
This sounds a little creepy to me, and more then low life on the part of this mother and her daughters....your son needs to grow up and leave....pronto....this woman is to me, only looking for someone to take care of her....and by the way, if he leaves, are they going to cry rape?  If I were him, I'd get out of dodge right now, never looking back.  I would also suggest he go to counseling to find out why he deems this behavior acceptable....and why he would date a woman like this....?  Please understand, he may make the very same mistake again, if he doesn't.....
Did your son even bother to find out this woman's history before he got involved?  I mean, where is she from?  If she is from out of town I'd be a bit more then concerned....?  Does he know anyone else who knows her? 

Most of all, tell your son to follow his intuition...if he feels it's not right, then it probably isn't and he should leave.  I fear if he leaves this woman, she might cause trouble, it's the 3 of them against him and his word...they were there...and can claim anything.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: Orly on August 17, 2010, 07:46:01 AM
Your son's internal radar is trying to slap some sense into him.  This behavior is beyond creepy...it is borderline insanity.  If your son is not living with this woman, he should be running as fast as he can back to college.  Keep talking about him finishing that before he gets into raising someone else's children.  Or as others have alluded to ....he is accused of being a sexual deviant.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: miss_priss on August 17, 2010, 11:01:42 AM
Ree - I have to start by saying, I can understand how you would feel that this is a really messed up situation for your son.  You're defninitely fearful for him, and your posts imply that you want so badly to drag his little butt outta there and shake your finger at him and tell him to never do that again.

Your son is 24.  Not 4, not 14....24.  What does this mean for you, his mother?  It means you're finished raising him, and you're finished paddling his bottom for mistakes.  It means you're no longer responsible for him.  It means you have to let this go, because quite honestly, its none of your business.  I completely agree its twisted, (it's terribly twisted), and it has potential to get even worse.  I totally get it and agree with you there...but in the end it's still none of your business. 

And to reject her automatically based on hearsay, without even meeting her or wanting to...you have already shut the door and you don't even realize it yet.  Be honest with yourself...what CAN you do about this???  Can you really stop it?  Do you even have a right to?  What if your son does marry this woman?  What if he does have a child with her?  Are you going to refuse her then, without at least giving her a face-to-face shot?  How did you feel the last time someone did that to you? 

I think you owe your son that, you at least need to meet her.  He wants you to know her and approve of her, thus he's asked you twice to meet her, according to your posts.  You have predetermined notions of her and you have already formed an opinion of her and you haven't even met her.  That is sad, and it is dangerous territory my friend.  Also know that if you deny her, you are denying her children...even those potential future chilren that might belong to your son.  I know that's a scary thing to think about, but I can tell you as a DIL that anyone who can't treat me at least civil does not get access to my children and I'm sure you felt the same way when you were a young mother.  And chances are,too, that if you deny her, your son will eventually resent you for it (IF he chooses to move forward with that relationship), and then you may have to say goodbye to him too.  So put that on the back burner....it could happen.  And your actions today can determine the outcome of any future relations you have with her AND your son.  I would tread lightly.               

Creme offers some very sound advice....you can tell him to "trust his intuition."  It's neutral, its safe, it devoids you of any guilt.  He's an adult, and if you raised him right to the best of your ability, then you have to trust him to make the right decisions for himself, even if they are not the decisions YOU would make for him. 

That being said, I hope this works out.  It is a terribly twisted situation that could get worse for your son.  I hope it all works out, and I will pray for PEACE for you.   

Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: neecee on August 17, 2010, 11:11:23 AM
You are abolutely correct.  I have an acquaintance who was accused of inappropriate behaviour by his step daughter, who was young adolescent.  Although the young woman recanted after she turned 18, it changed his life forever.
He is a professional who can never be licensed.
Young men can be easily manipulated sexually.  They are often novices in the art of romance and this situation can easily get the better of them.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 11:14:00 AM
Quote from: neecee on August 17, 2010, 11:11:23 AM
You are abolutely correct.  I have an acquaintance who was accused of inappropriate behaviour by his step daughter, who was young adolescent.  Although the young woman recanted after she turned 18, it changed his life forever.
He is a professional who can never be licensed.
Young men can be easily manipulated sexually.  They are often novices in the art of romance and this situation can easily get the better of them.

Ohhhh my, I cannot imagine what this man has been through....?  It can ruin a life forever....
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: Sunny1 on August 17, 2010, 11:27:47 AM
 I'm 34 and my DH is 28, and I have a teenage son.

Our age difference and my child were two of the many things my MIL used to try to break up DH and I when we were dating.

I don't know his maturity level, but miss priss is right, he's an adult. Tell him your fears, (especially about the teen girls!) Then love him and stay involved, meet her and be respectful. The last thing you want to do is drive them away by being too pushy with your fears of her manipulation,  it will only fuel it more.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: cadagi101 on August 17, 2010, 04:42:57 PM
miss priss, I have to say your post was so full of really good stuff.   It is one of those posts that gives the reader plenty to think about.    I also agree meeting this woman can'dt do any harm.  It might  reinforce preconcieved opinions ree has of her son's girlfriend and ree is so right to be concerned but  maybe she is a very misguided girl with a tramatic past that she can't mentally escape from.   It is so unknown I know  b but but by being a strong person in all this you might be helping 2 young girls.   I must be in a soppy mood right now because I  go back and forth on this one.    If your son does choose to stay with her how can you give an opinion on someone you haven't met.  ree you might know more about this woman than you have mentioned in your post .    I sympathise with you and understand what you are saying.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: Ree on August 17, 2010, 10:40:15 PM
Ladies, Thank you for your posts.  I am compelled to share more.  I don't know anything about this woman except what my son has told me.  I see how his whole attitude has changed about his future. College or no college he still needs to be around progressive people. My son is always the one who initiates conversation about the woman and I've managed to to offer my opinion only after he asks me  to "say something mom, what do you think about this or that mom?" I see how weary he looks and sounds and it makes me dislike her even more.  The issues with her daughters scares me the most as a mother and as a woman even though I don't have daughters.  I do have sisters and one of them was molested by one our mother's "boyfriends"  who she later married.   Our mother and the man blamed my sister and stayed together for 40 years until he died.  My sister is in her late 50s now but the relationship between her and my mother stinks.  I share this because I know my son is not a sexual deviant but I believe a mother should ALWAYS protect their daughters (and sons now a days) from anyone she's involved with.  Since the MAN in this case is my son around unrelated young girls competing for his attention I am concerned about HIS SAFETY from being false accused.   I don't want to meet this woman because I will speak to her without diplomacy.   I am not trying to sway my son one way or another.  I want the best for him, so I listen to him and tell him what I think when he asks me.  I put a lot of my thoughts in my posts because doing so allows me to share them with third parties without harming our mother/son relationship.  I've done enough reading and talked to enough "seasoned" parents to know that interfering with an adult son and his woman (wife, girlfriend) is a sure way to end a relationship with your child. This is as "neutral" as I can get. I did ask my son what he liked the most about her.  He said he liked the fact that she "talks his ear off and he likes the way she looks." His dislikes were he hated how she doesn't seem to want to do anything with her life and has no goals. She constantly talks about the age difference, her past relationships and how she was treated by the men she was involved with.  He said she has broken up with him 3 times so far only to call him 2 or 3 weeks later asking him to come over to watch the girls for her or just to "talk."  Whoever posted that this is none of my business is probably right. But I want my son to reach his full potential and know that whenever he wants to talk I am available to listen and give feedback when asked.  Time to talk things out wasn't possible very often when I was raising him because I worked 3 jobs (often taking him to work with me), went to college and by the time I/we got home it was bedtime for both of us.  I worked as a Librarian.  So the conversation he is seeking now that I am retired is important.  I just want him to be happy.  I don't see that happening with this relationship.  (Again, I base this opinion on what he's told me.)
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: cadagi101 on August 18, 2010, 12:52:58 AM
only you know in your heart what is right.    You are so very fortunate to have a relationship with your son where he comes to you and asks your opinion.  Many of us would only dream of such a son.  Yes, you have to hang onto that relationship no matter what.
Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: Sunny1 on August 18, 2010, 05:31:49 AM
Ree, I'm truly going back and forth on this one too. You are definitely in a very tough situation with him because you genuinely jeopardize losing  him/ pushing him away if you interfere too much.

Again, I somewhat sympathize and understand both sides of this. As a woman that is the same age as your son's girlfriend, asd I can understand her issues of not leaving an abusive man.  My first husband was abusive, it's not as a easy as everyone thinks to get up and just leave them. I was married very young, and considering the ages of your son's girlfriend's children, it appears she was very young too when she began having children with her abuser. Being that young, and still naive without a career, where would a single mom with several kids go? Abusers manipulate too...if this woman has never sought counseling for herself, then she is probably carrying a lot more baggage than you could ever imagine.

I for one had picked myself up, dusted myself off and went to school. I've never recieved child support from my ex for my son, and I don't want it either. By the the time I began dating my current husband, I owned my own home, and I make more money than he does.

Her lack of initiative to provide for her children would concern me as well, she's not really setting a good example for her kids on how to deal with adversity. She seems to be looking for the next free ride, which makes the fact that teen girls are learning this from their mother stand out even more. Red flags are flying.

You said her lack of initiative already concerns your son, and that his temp job will be ending soon. The possible reality of caring for four others financially without a job should be weighing on his shoulders soon. Make sure you are in contact with him and do just as you were doing, lovingly identifying the positives and negatives.

Good luck...my prayers are with you.


Title: Re: 24 Y/O Son is dating a 34 y/o woman who has 3 teenagers
Post by: juju68 on August 18, 2010, 09:57:16 AM
It is so hard dealing with adult children... for so long we were able to protect them and now we can offer our opinion and move on...I am learning to let go and hope that my daughter does not get hurt,but if she does then she will have to learn from it. It seems the more I interfere the more she pulls away. My heart an prayers go out to you. I know you feel Hurt an sad,but it will all work out..We have to learn to take care of us an let our kids take care of them. I will pray an send positive thoughts your way...