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Quote from: Pooh on August 16, 2013, 08:25:17 AMat some point, you realize there is nothing to get.  It is what it is and looking for the why's will drive you bonkers.

Thanks, Pooh, I needed to hear this today.  I have better and worse weeks dealing with the situation with my son.  His aunt is taking him to visit colleges today, and I'm struggling, because, in an ideal world, I would love to be the one going with him.  But we don't currently have that kind of relationship, and while I absolutely own my part in that (including the fact that I've distanced myself from him out of a sense of self-preservation, for good or ill) it does hurt that his father and his aunt get to be involved in his life in ways I'm not.  I have to keep reminding myself that, it is what it is, and it's not really my job to understand, necessarily.  Just to accept the reality and make my own decisions about how to proceed in my own life.

Sending you lots of good vibes, Didi.  Good for you, for standing your ground. 

I'm walking that fine line with my son right now too, DaxiesMom.  It's a balancing act setting limits on the behavior I'll accept from him towards me while still remaining open if he initiates contact.  I think it's time to take care of yourself a bit, and focus on the other parts of your life.  Like Luise often says, we were whole people before we were parents, and we can be whole people again even if our kids aren't actively in our lives.  (And, honestly, the lack of drama when a contentious relationship gets a little distance in it can be a huge relief, even if it's with our kids.)

I'm terrible at reading people's minds and predicting how they will react to what I do and say, and find that I stress myself out trying to pre-emptively act in such a way as to draw no fire.  Because, I have no control over that, and in trying to carefully gauge my behavior to avoid a bad outcome, I'm bending myself into a pretzel for no good reason.  All you can do is act in good faith and "err on the side of kindness", as Scoop said.  How other people react is their business, and not your problem.  Be as positive and pleasant as you can, do what's comfortable for you, and know you did your best with what exists.  If she wants to build a bridge or a moat with the materials you provide just by being you, that's up to her.

It's incredibly damaging to be told you are stupid, dumb and ugly.  My mother had an alcoholic friend when I was very little.  This woman was actually jealous of attention that my mother paid me when she was around us, and would be very nasty to me when mom's back was turned.  Even though I understand now that she was drunk all the time and had some serious emotional problems, when you're small you don't have that insight, and the words can have a big impact.  Your first responsibility is to your daughter.  If your MIL can't keep a civil tongue or is drunk around her, then she can't be around her.  It's not about punishment or being mean, it's about specific behaviors that it's not appropriate for your child to be around.  Would your husband be willing to talk to her about this, and tell her that these specific behaviors are having a negative impact on her relationship with all of you?

It's not fun to be a trailblazer when it involves biopsies.  I'm sorry, Pooh.  How frustrating!

I think when someone is unhappy, regardless of why, it's easier sometimes for them to pick a target and frame the unhappiness as being solely because of that target.  In those circumstances, and particularly because she actively keeps you at arms' length, keeping your distance honors her wishes and gives her the space to figure herself out.  For your own happiness and sanity, you may want to consider just stepping back and focusing on your own life for a while.  Do things you enjoy, spend time with friends and family who treat you well, and let it ride.  Don't have expectations of your daughter.  If you want to keep the door open, then figure out the minimum level of contact that you can sustain without harm to yourself, and honor that.  A friend of mine has a saying:  if my presence isn't helping, then my absence can't hurt.  Not everything that happens with your children is your fault.  She's her own person now, and has stuff to work through in her own time and way. 

Edited to add:  Welcome to our site!  (I missed the part of your post where you said you are new, sorry!)  Please take a moment to read the pink highlighted posts in the "Open Me First" section.  We're a moderated site, and those posts lay out how things are structured here.  We ask all new members to read them, to make sure we're a good fit for one another.

Sorry, Pooh, I didn't realize how long I was away from the board until I saw this!  Glad the biopsy went well!  How are you feeling now?

Quote from: Pooh on July 22, 2013, 06:54:36 AM
I took the off ramp, squealed around the corner and ran the red light!

Haha, I love the way you put this, Pooh.  I did the same.  Haven't "unfriended" DS, but have created buffers around myself and my life so that the door's open, but I'm not bothered by the draft blowing through it.

Quote from: freespirit on July 25, 2013, 12:14:01 AM
I would also talk to the grandchildren, just to see if it's true...Important is to ask them in a playful way. They shouldn't feel confronted or threatened. It's even possible that they had to promise not to say anything.

I would be exceedingly cautious about doing this, and would probably avoid it, honestly.  The parents are the final arbiters of how and with whom their kids spend their time, and I personally would go nuclear if my parents had put my son in the horrible position of having to confirm or deny something I said (and my parents had unlimited access to my son, including being allowed to spoil him rotten).  Even if you don't intend it to be offensive, it is hard to imagine that they would take it well when their kids report back.  (And you have to assume they will, because children should be able to tell their parents anything.)

Quote from: freespirit on July 23, 2013, 09:16:18 AM
When I think back how my father flipped out whenever we children were fresh to my mother. I never ever had that support in my marriage.

I think you've got your answer right here, as to why.  Their father allowed it and encouraged it with his silence.  He and your sons bond at your expense. 

Wow, Lilly.  I can't even imagine how I'd react. Definitely a lot of complex feelings to process. You're doing a good job taking care of yourself and working through it. Sending you supportive and healing thoughts.

Sending you love, Pen.  There are sad days with this estrangement business, to be sure. Holidays, especially.  It helps to just write it all out like you did.

((((Pooh)))) 

I really liked the one about telling my truth, even if I worry that the other person will be angry with me.