March 28, 2024, 11:32:12 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Sunny

1
Lisa,

Welcome, and I'm sorry for your pain. I too lost myself in motherhood, and have had a brutal awakening in the last few years. If they told us when we were young women how it all might end up, how many of us would have had children I wonder.

I have seen more than a few stories on message boards from mothers who have single handedly raised the children after a divorce, only to have the errant father reappear when the kids are young adults and successfully buy the affections of the kids they have had nothing much to do with for most of their childhood. It seems so grossly unfair for kids to reward the parent who wasn't there while simultaneously turning on the parent who put their life on hold and stuck it out.

You wonder what goes through the minds of the kids, but I can only assume that immaturity is the major culprit here. These kids have no idea how much love and how many sacrifices it took for them to become healthy, successful adults. They get to adulthood and put their childhood behind them and take whatever good stuff is being offered to them regardless of the rights and wrongs of the situation. It seems often that the better the job we did, the less unfinished business they have with us and the more likely they are to leave us behind. Motherhood is a thankless job sadly.

I really hope that some way down the line, when your kids have kids of their own, that they finally appreciate what you have done for them. But for now, rebuild, rebuild, rebuild!! It is your turn now, and as hard as it is in the beginning, time to find pleasure again in things that are not child centred. And try not to fret too much about Christmas, and the happy families you see out and about. I think there are so many people who are struggling with some form of grief over Christmas, but hide it well. If you saw me out shopping with my husband and oldest daughter, you would have no idea that inwardly I am very sad that I won't be seeing my youngest daughter at Christmas.
2
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Struggling
December 09, 2013, 12:12:29 PM
I am also a member of the club of mothers who were once very close to their daughters, but then something went horribly wrong in the relationship so I very much feel your pain.

Just looking at your situation from an outsiders perspective, I get the impression your daughter feels she is in some sort of struggle for control of her life. Maybe she interpreted your thanksgiving gift to your grand-daughter as you trying to control what your gd wore on that special occasion, when she might have wanted to make that choice herself? It is so hard to know what goes through their minds. But one thing is for sure, once our children are grown, we don't get a say in the role we play in their lives. It is completely up to them, and we can only abide by the boundaries they create and try to get on with our lives as best we can.

I am finding myself that as time goes on I find it easier to live with my situation if I feel I have done the right thing. Guilt and regrets are the hardest things to live with, so instead of fighting back against my fate and then wondering if I have damaged the relationship further, I am increasingly accepting of my role as an occasional bit player in my daughter's life. Like you, I hear from my daughter occasionally then she drops out of my life again. I am positive and friendly when I hear from her, and if she wants help I will give it as long as it doesn't involve any sacrifices on my part. To be honest it is getting easier and easier to get back on with my own life when she disappears again, time really is a healer.

You have been caring and generous to your daughter and in time I'm sure she will appreciate it. But for now, time to find things to do that bring you satisfaction and pleasure and let your daughter go for now.
3
Welcome Lauren! I'm sorry you have family problems that have led you to this community, but this is a wonderful place to let it all out :)

I am going to guess that your son's marriage may be in trouble, and that is why the changes in behavior of both him and his wife. If they were married about 15 years ago, then the children may be nearing teenage years and they may also be having a heap of difficulty with their children that you don't know about. Those can be tough years for people on every front, and dealing with extended family on top of all the difficulties of day to day life can fall into the too hard basket. It is really about them, and not about us once they are grown-up, and it sure hurts at times.

Some people here have found it useful to take a step back from their adult children, and stop pushing for contact. Once the pressure is off, after a while some AC will re-engage with their parents of their own volition. Maybe you could stop the visits for now, or make them shorter and offer to stay at a hotel to take the strain off everyone. You could also consider saying to your son that he seems busy and distracted when you phone, and you would be willing to leave him to make contact when it suits him. For whatever reason, he is seeing you as a burden he doesn't have time for at the moment, so as Luise says, best develop your own life for now. Changing your life is hard in the beginning, but very rewarding in the long run.

4
I'm honestly not sure about the concept of getting very attached to grandchildren. Enjoy them, yes; care about them, yes; do your duty to them; yes. But the big time bonding we experienced with our own children, well, I think that was another place and another time. One of my own MIL's grandchildren passed away a number of years ago, and my MIL was sad but not distressed. She was a very  interested and involved grandmother, and I think family expected her to be much more upset, but she pointed out that she was the child's grandmother and not the mother. Her primary bonding was still to her own children, even though they were  grown-up, and she just didn't have the same intensity of feelings for the children of her children.

Having less emotion involved in a difficult situation is not necessarily a bad thing and is ultimately safer, things are less likely to go wrong if you are reasonably detached. Getting angry because of hurt feelings, and then doing further damage to the relationship because you are angry and hurt, is much less likely to happen. I think it is fine to just do your duty in your situation. Go over if invited, say all the right things, then go home and enjoy your life as an emancipated woman :) Do enough to be free of regrets and guilt, and then let it go knowing you have done all that can be expected of you. I'm not a grandparent yet, but I already know that I spent all my maternal energy of my own children and if there are grandchildren I don't honestly expect to be much more than an interested onlooker. Especially now that I know how the fairytale sometimes ends.  I just wouldn't, actually I couldn't invest another 18 years of my life into nurturing another child, the optimism and innocence is gone, and I am more interested in doing different, non-mothering things with my life now.



5
Quote from: luise.volta on September 09, 2013, 01:32:27 PM
I was headed into one of my 'young adult learning adventures', (sounds better than again making and defending stupid decisions), and he said. "If you run out of money, honey, call me and I will tell you how sorry I am."  :D :D :D
Lol  ;D
6
Exactly what Pooh said, it is time to look after you and find out what makes you happy. Your daughter is an adult now and she will go her own way and make her own decisions.

I have noticed that there seems to be subgroup of adult children who turn towards the parent that abandoned them, and turn against on the parent who made all the sacrifices and raised them. I can only imagine the reason for this is that they have unfinished business with the parent who neglected them and need to try, even at this late stage, to get those feelings of love and validation from them. Maybe your daughter has had to make you the bad guy in order to justify moving in with her father. Whatever her reasons though, abusing you is just not acceptable.

Detaching from the situation with your daughter is the best way forward. Letting go is hard, but inevitably our children grow up and move on and we are left with no choice but to pick up the pieces and put our lives back together. I wish you peace and healing.


7
Thank you for your inspirational post! You are so right in all that you say. I really appreciate you taking the time to come by to share how things have worked out for you.
8
Welcome Scarlette! I completely understand your pain- I also have a 19 year old daughter who was given a great deal of loving care but who turned on me and became extremely nasty and abusive. To have a child whom you loved so dearly treat you like this is like having your heart torn from your chest. It is easily one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Your post is rather hidden here at the end of this thread- you should start your own thread and then more people will see your post and respond to it  :)
9
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Dear daughte
September 03, 2013, 02:44:18 AM
Welcome Willow, and I hope you find some comfort here. There are many of us with similiar stories- you are not alone.

I have to say, as I read your story my stomach began to knot up. I have also been on the receiving end of the sort of psychological warfare your daughter practices.  It has an actual name, this practice of creating a false reality by twisting situations and changing the facts so the other person becomes completely confused and starts to doubt themselves in every way. It is known as gaslighting, and is a time honoured way of making someone quite crazy.

My own daughter is a master of gaslighting. It had a terrible effect on me.

I think in the end what you do in regards the relationship with your daughter depends on how close to the end of being able to cope you are. By the time I arrived here I had got to the end of my ability to take any more abuse from my daughter and I exited the relationship. All the best as you work out the right path ahead for you.
10
Attagirl!  :D It is past time we bestowed on ourselves the sort of loving care we used to give to our children. I have managed to give up junk food the past few months. It wasn't even that I comfort ate bad quality food, the problem was that my head was spinning so much I barely noticed what I was putting in my mouth. Such a relief to have a calm head again. Better times ahead for all of us here!
11
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Update
September 03, 2013, 01:04:56 AM
Thank you Luise and Didi  :)
12
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Update
September 02, 2013, 12:40:26 AM
Hey Sad, I'm so pleased to see your update! I do often wonder how you and others who have  posted to this site are doing. I am in much the same place as you- at peace and happy most of the time. I am no longer depressed and I am really looking forward to what life now has to offer me. I have been in some very dark places over the past few months and frequently wished to die as I didn't see how I could ever be happy again. But the worst of the grief now seems to be over and I can't quite believe how far I have come in such a short period of time. I will post my own update soon, when I feel sure that this good place I am in is permanent.

You know, chances are that one day our daughters will reappear in our lives wondering what became of their doormat mothers. Nothing like being unavailable to pique their curiosity I suspect. Pity they won't find us at home waiting for them- we will be far too busy  ;) Our lives will never revolve around them ever again- how incredibly liberating.
13
I'm sending you {{hugs}}- to find out your daughter is married and with a baby at the age of 20 while supposedly at university and you knew nothing about any of it must have come as a huge shock. I think you responded with great restraint. Your daughter's behavior just sounds odd to me, and it sounds like she has been unusual in the way she relates to her family from a very early age. A young relative of mine behaved in a similiar fashion when being collected from kindergarten and was some years later diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. Has she ever been assessed for any problems like that? I wish I had some answers for you but I am new here also with my own set of problems with a daughter of a similiar age. The only think I know for sure is that you have to take care of yourself, so if the problems with your daughter are affecting your health then it is time to perhaps take a step back.
14
Pooh- I am so glad to hear that you have reached a calmer, happier place. 2 years is the sort of time frame I imagined so you reassure me that I will feel better in time.
Pen- I hear you on the back to square one problem- I have had quite a few days like that- usually when I thought I was making progress too. Grief isn't exactly a linear process...

That I got to the stage where I have "unfriended" my daughter still feels like a bad dream. I could never have imagined when she was growing up that this is how is would all end up. Sometimes I feel like I really need to make contact with her, but then I remember how hostile she was when I phoned her, how  abusive she was and how sick the stress was making me and the feeling passes. One thing I have always had is a lot of pride. So she may not love me or like me, but she has no right to abuse me and my pride won't let her disrespect me anymore. At one stage I was particularly sad that she ditched her FOO for a guy while so she was so young and that I missed sharing her college experience with her. Increasingly I am happy that it did happen when it did as I am young enough to rebuild my life. I would have been even more devastated if this happened ten years from now, and I had meanwhile been living a half life waiting for the grandchildren to arrive to give my life meaning again.
15
Exercise and keeping busy are the ways I deal with the bad days. Yesterday I felt angry, today I am awash in sadness for what might have been- I am never sure what the day is going to bring in terms of difficult emotions. On the plus side- I am getting a lot of things done that I have been putting off for a while so I do get a sense of achievement at the end of the day.