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Pooh and the Muffin,

I agree with both of you, that's the kind of stuff that GP's are supposed to do, it's the parent's job to discipline, GP's spoil, but we're not dealing with "normal" people. They won't leave our GD alone with us, God forbid I put a headband or pretty barrette on her hair, her hair has to be a mess because her mommy says so, now I brush her hair and do it in front of them and if they don't like it, then don't come, I'm getting used to it!

I know how agonizing this is. Based on my own experience I'd say go ahead and give it a try but try not to get too attached to the baby which I know it's very hard to do, you still get to be with your GC and things may change for the better over time. I think the key is to realize they are the parents and they can take GC away any time they want but I think if you refuse to do it, it may be worse. Good luck!

Louise,

I'm sorry about your loss and I'm glad you're feeling better. Many blessings to you.

Hope,

I can't offer any advice but I know exactly what you're going through. Our DS has distanced himself from us even more. He doesn't call me everyday like he used to but once a week. He's very unhappy, he knows his wife is manipulating him but says he can't live without her and GD, that they are his life so we just have to learn to live with it. DS never put up with anything like this from any of his girlfriends so this behavior is so new to us but he's in love...

It's been 2 months since we've seen them and quite frankly I don't know when we'll see them again as he doesn't feel right about coming without DIL and she refuses to have anything to do with us, he also said that right now it's not a good idea to visit them.

We always ended our phone conversations with "I love you" and he doesn't say that to me anymore, he hangs up the phone before I've had a chance to say it to him. It hurts, but we must be strong and try to go on with our lives. No one knows what the future holds, maybe someday our sons will get tired, ours was very close to us before he met DIL, I know her goal is to destroy us for obvious reasons and she may just get her wish. I pray a lot and even though I wish things were different, I'm moving on, I still have some sad days but not like I used to. I lost both my parents that were so very dear to me and I thought I couldn't go on without them and I have, at least we know they're alive and living the lives that they chose.

Trying to look at the brighter side of it, Glitter may be on to something. When my DS and DIL came to visit, they came and went as they pleased, they went to visit friends or to eat by themselves while staying at our house and as I understand it, they do the same thing when they stay with DIL's parents house

You ladies are too funny!

Scoop,

I just read this and had to think really hard for the answer. I don't look down at DIL although she may think I do, I wish I knew how she felt, we don't talk, she won't talk to any of us, the little bit that I know about her are things that DS has told me as she wants nothing to do with us, she won't even come around any more. She's a perfectionist in her own way, DS says DIL and I have a lot in common, it could be that we're too much alike, trying to look back, I don't know how things got to where they are now, I never thought we would get to the point of not speaking and DS doesn't know how to handle the situation. 

I'm not sure why your MIL doesn't take under consideration what you guys like to eat, maybe she thinks it's something you guys like but won't make yourselves, we have someone in the family that prepared weird foods like that thinking it was a real treat for everyone that we wouldn't make because it was very time consuming. And why she doesn't have any treats for the grandchildren beats me but I'm sure she's not trying to be mean, maybe she wants them to learn to eat a little bit of everything. I don't know how old your MIL is but back in the days, kids didn't have all the choices they have now, they ate whatever was on the table.

********I always said that if my dil gave an ounce of consideration towards our family, all hurt feelings could have been avoided.********

This is true for us too, Laurie, but she's definetely not interested, she does whatever she wants with him and he doesn't pick up on it. She told me herself at the beginning of their relationship that he was such a nice guy (and gave me full credit for his upbringing) that if she wanted to, she could make him do whatever she wanted and he wouldn't suspect a thing, and that's exactly what she's doing. I don't know how far she's willing to go with this game of hers, probably at least until she finishes with us.

Misunderstood,

You have gotten some very good advice. I agree that you should always go with your DH to visit your ILs. If you feel up to it maybe you could try calling your MIL every couple of weeks (I would love it if my DIL would take that iniciative), I tried calling her but she doesn't want anything to do with me and don't lose hope even if things don't look like they will ever get better.

Scoop,

These are all little things that you can prepare for ahead of time.

After reading your post I wonder if my DIL feels the same way about me. I do things different than most people, I'm very set in my ways and I'm a perfectionist but the truth is I don't think that makes me a bad person and I don't mean to make anyone uncomfortable, it just makes it harder on myself.

I'm also a very picky eater, always have been and I put everyone's likes ahead of mine. I think you'll be fine, if anyone can handle it you can.

Kathleen, I love reading your posts, you have so much wisdom to offer, I sure hope you'll stay.

Keys Girl, it's good to hear from you. I'm glad your health has improved and you're ready to party. Have a fabulous Mother's Day!

LOL

Oh Holli, I'm sorry but you made me laugh. I went through something similar myself with my first born. She was the only baby in the family in a long time so she was the center of attention, everytime the ILs saw her they hovered all over her and made her cry, she was so scared of them, they also fed her junk food, etc., I didn't like it but I never said anything I knew they had good intentions and it was one day, once in a while, so to me it wasn't worth having a comfrontation over it, they also bought clothes for her sometimes that I didn't particularly liked but I still put them on her, now when we talk about it we laugh our heads off.

As far as the holidays are concerned, we wouldn't think of spending them with anyone but family, we don't have that much family around anymore and it makes us sad, a lot of it has to do with culture, but they need to understand that you have family also, you could alternate between the two FOOs.

If any of this bothers you that much you should speak up, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you do it with respect.

And I think Scoop is right about the renovation, once you start you'll find so many other things that need to be fixed...

Yes Hope, think of 10 things that make you a good mother and write them down on paper and put it somewhere where you can read it often.

I'm usually a very confident person and I worked so hard to have the "perferct" family but with the way DS has treated us I feel so ashamed that I can't look at DIL's FOO in the eyes, I figure they have to know the way DS has humiliated me and disrespected our family, it's embarrasing. They're the ones with all the problems but I feel that now thanks to DS we're at their level. 

Pen, I'm not sure what the problem is and I stopped trying to figure it out, I just try to be myself around GD. I'm clean, don't smoke, don't drink, don't feed her junk food, I'm religious, the only thing I can think of that DIL may not like but I could be wrong is that I like to see GD looking pretty and ocassionally I buy her clothes to put on while she's here since they dress her in rags, we like to spoil her but to me that's what GP's do.

Holli, I see your point and really, if they don't like something they should come out and tell us in a nice way, I don't think any of us would feel hurt by that, it's the way they do it, the disrespect that hurts so much and specially when they put us down in front of DIL, it's devastating.

Congrats, Laurie, how exciting! They make a beautiful couple.