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Thank you for sharing that sweet story, Patience.  It is especially timely as we look forward to Thanksgiving.  We would all be fortunate to have a loving person to care for us in times of need.  I wish you and your parents well!

Hi Starfire,
You have done so much to try to accommodate this MIL, but I thought I'd offer one option, if it makes sense to you.  What about offering to host an EARLY or LATE Christmas gathering at your house for your in-laws? It could be the weekend before, or whenever fits into everyone's schedules. Then MIL can host her own event on the day itself and you can have your own nuclear family time in your own home.  That time is precious for you, DH and DS to build your own family traditions anyway.  (forgive me if you already offered that as an option to MIL, but I was assuming you had invited her to come on the actual date of Christmas in your initial offer).

As for Thanksgiving, sounds like MIL threw that in kind of last minute, and of course it won't work for your son at her house since he has allergies to their pets.  If you offer to host Christmas this year, and Thanksgiving next, and explain this is the schedule that accommodates both families (both sets of grandparents), MIL can accept it or not.  But there is your boundary. 

IMO, your son and your small nuclear family's needs come first.  Don't stress out trying to accommodate everyone else's needs.  They are adults and life will go on.  We have to advocate for the voiceless...and you are doing a wonderful job in that regard 

I also second Luise's idea of going to the Helpful Resources section.  There is one book that looks helpful called Toxic In-Laws by Susan Froward.  The title sounds negative and off-putting but there may be some pearls of wisdom to be gleaned.  The DIL who recommended it mentioned that her husband didn't really understand the effect his own mother's controlling nature had on him since he had lived with her behavior all his life; that was his "normal".  The book was a real eye-opener for both of them. 

Hi QuietSong,
Thanks for your post. It must be so hard when you had those years with your son as friends.  My daughter was just 17 when she met her BF, and believe me that the red flags were flying.  Even she saw them and turned away several times.  But desperation got the better of her.  She couldn't handle being abandoned again and took the guy who would never leave her.  She turned away from us, and it was almost inevitable that she would move out of our house shortly after she met him.  So we have missed out on this close adult-to-adult relationship like you had with your son.  I get why you have been hurting. Six years is a long time out of your life.  Now in some ways it is better not to hear from them so much as it doesn't perpetuate the pain, don't you think?  We can just focus on the people who are still part of our lives and the things that make us feel useful and happy.

I just learned a new phrase...catfished.  I learn something new every day.  You know the saying...fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Our AC have both been fooled but now their eyes are open.  Hopefully they are learning. 

Awwww...Luise, this loving forum just warms my heart

Hi QuietSong,
So wonderful to know you have had a string of good days!  It sounds like you are in a good place emotionally now.  Doesn't that feel great?  I'm feeling that way, too!

You have two precious granddaughters to focus on now.  What fun you will have with them if you get to visit them with your brother in the spring. 

Hope those good days keep coming.  Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who love you!

Hi Gettin' Gold,
You're welcome.  Actually, Monroe suggested it.  I had posted last month that I wanted to practice Loving Detachment with my DD, but then realized I didn't understand it fully.  I thought it meant simply to go no or low contact and loving from afar, which is what I've been doing now. Not initiating contact unless necessary and being pleasant when she initiates.  That alone has been very helpful, but there will be times when we interact again, like perhaps during the holidays, and it is likely that some of those "medium chill" phrases will be useful (especially if she brings up her abusive boyfriend and his large FOO),as well as the caveats about how to put detachment into practice.
Hope things are going well with you, GOAC.

I found this excellent resource on Medium Chill with some useful examples and phrases:

http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/MediumChill.html

I forgot to add the invitation to anyone to please add to these ideas about detachment, as I am sure there is much more to be learned from those of you who have put it into practice. 

Here is something I just found on a WWU search for "medium chill," posted by JDTM in 2011:
We interact on a very polite but superficial level.  If anyone was watching, they would think we had a good relationship. However, I don't divulge any personal details, opinions or commitments.  I appear to agree with everything that is said, while in truth I may not.  If a topic is one I can't discuss with them, I'll say, " You know, that's one topic that is off-limits in this house" and then laugh.  You'll be upset but with "medium chill" everyone needs to believe you're totally comfortable and calm.  Actually, after a time one really feels that way.

Here are some wise words from Pen and Elsieshaye on a thread from about 2011 (I didn't write the date or topic in my journal, only the pearls of wisdom).

From Pen-
You don't want to slam the door shut, but you want to stop being hurt.  Let DD know you love her (directly) and let it go.  You detach, go about your business, and accept only kind, positive and loving communications from her.

If she contacts you with anger, demands, recriminations, etc., don't engage.  If you're on the phone and she starts in, you've got to go because someone's at the door or a pot is boiling.  If she sends an unacceptable text, don't respond.  If she is in your home and starts in, have something else that needs immediate attention; don't be a sitting duck.  Keep your hurt and anger out of it; be cool, calm, loving and detached.  Also with someone who is extremely manipulative, always have a witness, so you don't feel like an emotional dumping ground.

The next quotes/summaries are from Elsieshaye, talking about the difference between "medium chill" and compassionate detachment -
Medium chill is a technique used with people you don't care about, but you may still have to interact with from time to time, so maintaining a relationship is not a consideration. It is not a silent treatment; I'm not ignoring the person -  but any response I give is boring, neutral, non-reactive, calm as possible. When the other person makes a "clunker" comment (like a put-down), change the subject after some silent beats pass.  I can pretend I don't understand hints/subtexts/carefully-worded put downs by responding in a boring, non-reactive way.  I don't have to argue, infer meaning or defend myself. 

Compassionate detachment is aimed at people I care about (unlike medium chill), where abandoning the relationship is not the option I choose to take.  The big difference between compassionate detachment and medium chill is that I DO initiate some contact and I DO sometimes make statements like, "I recognize you're angry but I won't be shouted at." But for the most part I again strive to be consistent, boring, and non-reactive when attacked, although I make more of an effort to speak my piece in a calm, respectful way.  I hold the relationship loosely, and accept it may not be what I had planned, but it is what it is.
I am doing this with my son right now.  He has a drug problem, so in between the large stretches of silence, I'll occasionally get texts or Facebook messages that could be from angry Ds, high DS, needy DS or sad DS, never sure which.  Some of them I just let lie and don't respond to.  Some I answer the explicit question and ignore the angry subtext (the passive-aggressiveness or mean point behind the question).  Some I respond to honestly or with a question.  If it gets too bad, I'll say, "I don't want to have this conversation with you while you're being so aggressive with me. If you can't be more civil, we need to stop now" and then if it continues I hang up or end the conversation. The governing concept here is, " I love him and we both deserve respect."  The governing concept for medium chill is, "Not my monkey, not my circus."

Finally, this is Bamboo here adding a piece on detachment that a friend gave me from Al Anon - and I'm modifying it a bit to be more inclusive of any behavior or decision made by a loved one-

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind.  It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching.  Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's choices can be a means of detaching; this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situation realistically and objectively.

We learn that nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else's behaviors or decisions.  We are not responsible for them.  Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a power greater than ourselves.  We can still love the person without liking the behavior.

We learn to do the following:

1. Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of others
2. Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others
3. Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
4. Not to manipulate situations so others will get up, go to bed, eat, go to work, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit.
5. Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds
6. Not to create a crisis
7. Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events

By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve.  We allow the loved ones in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.

Sure...I will post it under a new thread called Loving Detachment 101.  Luise, I will put it under Adult Children, but if you want to move it to another area, feel free to do so.  I have found great info from Pen and Elsieshaye that helped clarify what loving detachment can look like, and that is what I will post on that thread.  Thanks!!

You've got that right, Pen.  And I have a page filled with "Penisms"...most notably something you wrote a few years ago about detachment and what that might look like in practice with a loved one.  (Those examples are so useful). I'm going to practice that dance of detachment over the holidays if needed.  I'm going to be okay, with support from my WWU friends as needed.

Thanks for being here 

Hi QuietSong,
Don't we all feel crazy sometimes over our AC!?!  Take comfort in knowing we have all been there, and still go back there from time to time.  You are not alone.  Also you are not alone in being sensitive regarding loved ones' words and actions.  What I have gleaned from the women here is that they have chosen to turn their focus away from their ACs hurtful words and actions and toward the only thing they/we have control over...ourselves.  We still do have a choice in our own joy.  Sadly for you, the dreams you might have had about your relationship with your new granddaughter are not coming to pass.  Right now that is their choice and it is so painful.  The more you dwell on that, and the other people who get to have a relationship with her, the harder it is on you emotionally.  You deserve to have a joyful life, regardless of their decisions.  That is your choice.  If you stay quiet like you have been with ES and DIL, things could change.  Either way, you will be okay, as you will be working on caring for yourself and those who value you.  Find ways to nurture yourself and/or someone special who needs nurturing, mentoring, tutoring, or just a friendly presence.  Hugs to you 

Hello, all, just an update.  DD came over today to bring us a big cream pie. Yum! She also said that her BF says hi and happy Halloween to me.  (I found out later he was out in her car waiting for her...so relieved she didn't bring him in the house).  As we ate some pie, I told her that I really don't want to hear any more about BF since he has continued to hurt someone I love and I can't give him a free pass when he has continually made her life so hard.....got that choice of wording from Pooh.....thanks, Pooh.  And I said that she is an adult and makes her own choices, and so do DH and I. Got that from Luise....thanks, Luise!  She had tears in her eyes as I told her all that, but she didn't say anything in reply. She said she will be moving back to our area soon, and BFs mom is helping them find them an affordable place.  I said NOTHING...thanks to you all for that great advice!  I'm not going to ask any questions either.  The less I know, the better.  The less I say, the better.  Ignorance really IS bliss  . You rock, ladies!  I have made some great strides in a relatively short time, and I give so much credit to you all.  I constantly sing the praises of WWU!

Welcome, QuietSong, and I am glad you felt comfortable to post today.  I'm a newbie, too, and though my situation is different from yours, I do have a few questions and wonderings about your issue.  First of all, do you think the backlash regarding your brother has anything to do with worry that ES and DIL will eventually end up caring for him?  Could that be why they won't even let him into their house?  Did this happen after they had the baby or before?  Would a calm reassurance from you to ES that you are getting this issue of guardianship resolved help matters?  Regarding you visiting them to see your grandchild, would you consider going alone?  Would they invite you if you came alone?  I know how hard it must be to see your son now turning his back on family, and especially your dear brother, who probably wouldn't hurt a flea, and likely had to deal with a lot of intolerance in his life. (I used to be a special education teacher, and I know how hurtful some people can be). When my daughter turned her back on her family it felt like such a betrayal, a knife to the heart.  In your case it sounds as though DILs unaccepting and intolerant attitude is probably influencing your son now.  There is nothing you can do about that. Consider that she may be very forceful and he may feel pulled in two directions on this, but feels he must be loyal to his wife. I will be interested in hearing other WW weigh in.  I wish you well, QuietSong.  BTW, love your name.

I just wanted to share some happy news!  My daughter, who had given me the silent treatment after DH and I didn't give her what she wanted, posted something loving on FB "To Mom", and signed it "Your stubborn child". The funny thing is I don't use FB, but DH does.

Thanks WW....this belongs to all of us moms