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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Grieving

31
Grandchildren / Not bonding with GC
July 17, 2012, 06:52:01 AM
Wow, I am not the only one ;) I have been 'lurking' here for several months, and have realized that more people than I thought have problems with their DILs, etc. but have never quite figured out what to post. My story re: DIL is similar to many, just details different. To summarize, loved her until she got pregnant and she turned into a "pain", tried to give her benefit of doubt(hormones),but she blew up at Christmas over something I considered trivial, and certainly unintentioned. I apologized, but she never did ( I felt we both were at fault), it has tainted the relationship with DS, and GS ever since. Prior to birth, DS/DIL kept saying how much they wanted us in GC life, I was excited about being GM.....to an extent. I always had some reservations, such as I did not want to be like most of my friends who thought their lives were so much richer, better, exciting, fulfilled, yada yada , now that they were GPs. Even before holiday blowup, I did not feel that close to GS , who was born in fall. Some of that could have been lack of bonding due to inability to help with the care after birth. We were asked and expected by DS/DIL to be there, changed our schedules to do so, then were pretty much ignored.(We live several hours a way) Keep in mind, I told them I thought it was their time, but we would do what they wanted, glad to help if they wanted/needed us. The few times I was allowed to hold GS by DS, DIL swooped in and took him away,so very little bonding or warm fuzzy feelings during that visit.  Oops, just realized I was in danger of posting more about DIL problem than keeping on thread. We just a nice visit with DS family recently, but not the warm, happy kind we had pre-preg/birth, more the stiff, formal, polite kind of casual friends--every one careful not to step on toes. Playing with GS was fun, entertaining, but I still do not feel a real connection to him. He is adorable, looks so much like DS, but I am content to see pictures. I am sure some of it is my self-protection kicking in. I am afraid to get to attached, as never know what DIL might do, don't feel like they really want us in his life---he has teeth we were never told about, if I ask how much he weighs/height, it is viewed as national secret. But some of it, is the ugly fact that being with him is not worth the effort of being with DIL. I realize that it is their right and duty to raise him--I certainly don't want to do it--but her ideas are so far-fetched IMHO, that being with GS is not worth putting up with them.Since I can't be the fun loving, doting GM that I wanted to be(ie. grieving), I am content to maintain my distance both literally and figuratively, so it is nice to know that there are others out there, and I am not the cold unfeeling soul that I feel like when I am among those goosy GMs.