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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Victim on January 16, 2010, 03:55:46 AM

Title: Hard Times
Post by: Victim on January 16, 2010, 03:55:46 AM
Are there times that are harder for MILs like us who have been effected by DIL jeolousy and isolated from our families?

I find Christmas hard, my son and DILs wedding anniversary as it reminds me of when this all started, and times that were usually spent with me in the past the traditions that are no longer there.

How about the rest of you?

Also, what behavior does your DIL do to you that hurts you the most? For me it is not seeing my grandkids as I love my granddaughter so much.

Maybe we can problem solve around these times together and figure this out before the next hard time comes along.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: smlgrammy on January 16, 2010, 04:54:48 AM
Survivor - Wow, I can't imagine being totally cut off from my son and the GC. How long has it been this way? I've read some of your "confession" posts, and truly admire your courage and honesty. Know you've been going to counseling also. How's that going? Is counselor working toward inviting son to participate to help in healing relationship with him? I certainly hope so. Please keep us posted. My heart breaks for you hon.

I won't allow my DIL to hurt me anymore. I took that power away from her a while ago. Early on, after her 1st child was born, she hurt me by ignoring me as a grandmother. What I mean by this, she never called to ask if I wanted to see the baby, but would arrange those times with her own mother and then tell me about the wonderful time they had. At first, I ignored it thinking she was trying to build a better relationship with her mom. That may sound a little trivial, but being completely left out time and time again took its toll. For several months, I never spent time with my GD alone. If I wanted to see her, I would have to call (felt I had to make appointment) and go to their house. Felt like she didn't trust me alone with her child. That hurt me because pre baby I believed we were pretty close and got along well. Wrong. As I said in an earlier post, "I don't know what demons were unleashed when she became a mother but she has never been the same person since".
Thus began the downhill slide and her true colors emerged. But . . . . she does not have the power to hurt me anymore. I took that away from her.

God bless Survivor - hope things improve for you, son and GC soon. (((((HUGS))))))
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cocobars on January 16, 2010, 06:02:19 AM
What a great post Survivor!

Although I don't believe I've been able to take the power away of my DIL hurting my feelings like you smilgrammy, I always try to prepare myself for the times (christmas, anniversaries, cookouts), that she will be around.  I promise myself ahead of time that I will be open minded and "let" myself enjoy the moment.  Sometimes it works.  Other times I'm left wondering why I set myself up for it.  I'm still here trying though, and I hope we can think of more constructive ways of dealing with those times here!  Doesn't mean we'll never be hurt again, but we are trying and not giving in.  It's what separates us from the hate sites.

When someone is jealous of us, we don't have to react with anger.  As a matter of fact, I think that feeds their already misled fears and jealousy of us.  A little compassion goes a long way, and the negative comments and feelings can be filed away until you get to MILU.

I'm no expert, but those are my thoughts. 

Again Survivor - thanks for posting this!  It gives everyone a chance to talk about their own hurts but opens a door for suggestions at the same time! 

Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 06:44:39 AM
Holidays are the hardest times for me, Coco.  I try to prepare myself but never know what might happen.  One DIL makes it extremely hard for us to know what will happen.

The other DIL always includes us but does battle with the other DIL for control. Makes me nuts. 

I am so aware of what they are doing that I go into a deep depression.  I hate holidays now.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cocobars on January 16, 2010, 06:53:03 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 06:44:39 AM
Holidays are the hardest times for me, Coco.  I try to prepare myself but never know what might happen.  One DIL makes it extremely hard for us to know what will happen.

The other DIL always includes us but does battle with the other DIL for control. Makes me nuts. 

I am so aware of what they are doing that I go into a deep depression.  I hate holidays now.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cocobars on January 16, 2010, 06:58:05 AM
Oops!  quoted, but hit the button too quick! 

Chickie, the holidays are the worst!  I get so upset when I know they are coming.  I take deep breaths and start preparing myself about a week ahead!  LOL!

I don't have any other sons (so I don't have the problems with two different DIL's), but one is enough.  I have three daughters and they seem to be fine then, except for one.  I didn't think I had problems with her until her wedding though, and realize now there were some underlying problems with my SIL instead, and her father trying to buy their attention.  I'm not going to worry about that.  It's their mistake and I believe some day it will all work out.  Time is a great healer (I'm hoping!)
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2010, 07:23:02 AM
Everything is awkward now! I never know how it's going to go. No matter what happens I have to be quiet or risk being cut off for sounding needy, jealous, clingy or b****y. I used to be fun-loving & witty, a well-informed participant in discussions of current events, loved to plan celebrations and outings. Now I feel like an old worn out pair of cheap shoes...kept around for messy chores, but hidden and forgotten until needed again.

From holidays to life events such as birthdays & graduations I just don't know what to do. Will DIL's family have a big party for DS (to which we won't be invited?) Should we have one? If we also have something will that step on DIL's toes? We're not allowed to invite our friends because DIL doesn't like them. Since our family consists of just us (everyone else lives far away or has passed on) it's always a very small gathering. DDD is hard to take if one isn't used to dealing with her. DIL's family is large, beautiful and loud by comparison, so once again we look sad and pathetic while her family looks like the more fun, successful, attractive family - who would you rather hang out with?

So much has changed for us. DIL's family has been invigorated and ours has degenerated. I used to love holidays but don't now. I have to go through the motions for DH and DDD, however. They don't deserve to lose out over this. My heart just wasn't in it this year. Maybe next year will be better.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 07:56:06 AM
Pen, I do know what you mean!!!  I was once the life of the party; we had lively debates about current issues and loved every minute of them.  That was part of our entertainment here.

DIL thought it was chaos and hated it.  While I don't blame her, I do wish that had been made clear to us but no, she had to slowly, painfully, like Chinese water torture get rid of us for her family...larger but to me, S T R A N G E.  I can't imagine son being happy there but he seems to be.  She has convinced him that he was not loved here.  (YES, SHE DID)

I don't care if anyone thinks that's not possible, it is.. if done with slow cooking.  Over time it happens and with CDIL battling her, it has become intolerable.  SO SAD!

Although if we go there (to DILs house), she runs the show and as I've mentioned, either barks orders or like a torture drill, hesitates to answer any questions for 30 seconds before answering them.  It is so freaky. 

Imagine saying, "DIL? how did you like your (whatever)?  She stands or sits and says nothing for 30 seconds and then son says, "DIL?"  and she pops out an answer.

Why did we have to enter the Twilight Zone?  I never wanted to go on Rod Serling's TV set but here I am.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2010, 08:09:13 AM
Chickie, you mean you're actually invited to DIL's & DS's house??? We haven't ever been invited and they've been married more than a couple of years! (Oops, I mean invited for anything other than help with moving & cleaning.)
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 08:14:50 AM
Let me clarify....CDIL puts it together sometimes and she takes control while there. DDIL dearly wants her friendship.

Son always says, "come up when you can"

Once in awhile, we invite ourselves to go.  When we do, all I listed in my other post takes place. 

Pen, what if you asked the next time you saw them if you and DH come go there for a visit?  Do you think she'd let you?  You could make yourselves really scare and stay in a hotel and just go over.  Do they live far away?
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2010, 08:37:16 AM
They're fairly close by, not in our immediate neighborhood though. When I told DS that I wished we could spend more time with them it backfired on me - I was seen as needy and clingy. The thing is, if we were dealing with friends we could just call and chat and plan to get together, no weirdness. With DS & DIL it's awkward and hurtful. I don't know my place so I wait for them to guide, and then get hurt because we're excluded. If I plan something and they can't participate suddenly for whatever reason, I get hurt not to mention put out because of time and money spent. It's happened more than once.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cremebrulee on January 16, 2010, 08:43:05 AM
I'm with Granny, I won't allow her to hurt me anymore....and what hurts me the most is, she doesn't send me pics of my GD ever anymore...because she hates me, my GD must do the same.

When my DIL was pregnant, two people told me, due to her behavior before that, they feared she would use my GD to hurt me...she has...

and yes, there are harder times then others...but, I won't give her that power  any longer. 

It is harder when my friends talk about they're Grand kids...and how they so love they're DIL's and what they're DIL's do, regarding calling them, and just being part of the family...however...she is the way she is, she's not going to change, so, I'm not groing to try any longer...


would I like it to work, yes, indeed, but, I won't allow her to make me a victim and conjour up situations which puts my son in a  position that he has to choose who to believe...even if she were talking to me, if she did anything to me, I wouldn't call her on it, with him, if it was really bad behavior, I'd tell them both how I feel....but basically, I'd keep my mouth shut...
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 08:49:56 AM
I see.....it's the control issue.  Penstamen, she is exercising the need for complete control, that's why she suddenly doesn't show up or finds excuses to exclude you.  It's more out of HER need.

I have that same thing with CDIL.  She will do some things but will not show up for others. It's very hard and very hurtful and no, you don't know where your place is.  I understand that completely. 

I don't know where this need for ultimate control comes from. Does anyone else?  What causes this?   
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 08:51:55 AM
Creme, I'm glad you know of people who have good DILs.  I don't know any.  I've heard of it but don't know it first hand. 
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: smlgrammy on January 16, 2010, 08:58:31 AM
Gosh, after reading these posts, I am flabbergasted with the lenghts some DIL's will go to to cause pain and suffering for their husbands parents! Unbelievable, but good to know I am not alone, but so unfortunate, sad and absolutely uncalled for.

cocoabars - I was able to take away DIL's power by eliminating any expectation that she would BE kind, SAY something kind, DO something kind, etc. If it happens, great, but I no longer expect it. That way, I am never disappointed nor hurt by her behavior.

You know, I have to believe that DIL's want a better relationship with MIL's - and it is abundantly clear here that MIL's want better relationship with DIL's so why do they and us work so hard to NOT have a good relationship? Very strange indeed. Comments/thoughts?

Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2010, 09:18:11 AM
I wish I knew why this is so difficult. Some of you feel there is a jealousy issue on the part of DILs. Maybe so, but in my case I think our DIL sees people like us, just regular folks working hard to provide for our family but not uber-successful financially, as not worth having any feelings about. We're part of the great unwashed hordes. Who cares if we have feelings? Who cares if we're suffering? We don't merit a second glance.

The jealousy is on my part - I'm jealous of the imbalance of time DS spends with DIL's family vs. with our family.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 09:34:13 AM
That can't be it, Penstamen....you write too well, phrase your words too well...smart and all that goes with it.  It can't be that she views you like that.

I wonder if it's the way you feel when you're around them due to their immense wealth?  It would be intimidating to anyone.  I told my husband that when I'm with CDIL and son, I don't feel good about myself.  She has stated that money is all that matters.  She has tons of it.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cocobars on January 16, 2010, 09:47:23 AM
Quote from: smlgrammy on January 16, 2010, 08:58:31 AM
cocoabars - I was able to take away DIL's power by eliminating any expectation that she would BE kind, SAY something kind, DO something kind, etc. If it happens, great, but I no longer expect it. That way, I am never disappointed nor hurt by her behavior.

You know, I have to believe that DIL's want a better relationship with MIL's - and it is abundantly clear here that MIL's want better relationship with DIL's so why do they and us work so hard to NOT have a good relationship? Very strange indeed. Comments/thoughts?

smlgranny, thanks.  I understand what you meant by that comment now.  It's so true that we all seem to work toward not having that relationship.  Very strange, but maybe due to each of us coming from a different perspective or point of view?  What do you think?
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2010, 10:10:28 AM
Hey, thanks Chickie! That's one thing I managed to drag away from my old 'hood! And yeah, she feels that we are losers - she's actually said it. Oh, well.

Smlgranny, I know what you mean about having no expectations. I'm working on it. DH is way better at it than I!

I confess I don't want the relationship on DIL's terms, but I do whatever it takes to see DS. DIL would be happy if we fell off the face of the earth. She really has no use for us. Although to be fair, she did seem to be trying to accept us the last time we saw her.
My perspective is "go along to get along." Hers is "my family rules, his drools." My goal is to see DS. Hers is to limit access.

Can you tell I'm having a rough day?? Sorry! I'll try to perk up! One of those "hard times" is approaching rapidly.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 10:17:20 AM
She said that, Penstamen?  She said you were losers?   You can't be too bad, you raised her husband.  Does she think he's a loser? 

What's the difference between you and your son?  There is none.  It's gonna take a long time to get over the "loser comment". 

I know you want to see your son and you will but it will always be on her terms.  You deserve a bad day!!  This is exactly how some of them operate. Disgusting.  If it wasn't you, it would be another parent that she did this to.
You are not a loser!!
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2010, 10:28:07 AM
Maybe she views DS as a prized possession, like a luxury car. One might love the fabulous, fancy car but be repulsed by the idea of sitting down for dinner with the mechanic who built it :)
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cocobars on January 16, 2010, 12:28:59 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 10:17:20 AM
She said that, Penstamen?  She said you were losers?   You can't be too bad, you raised her husband.  Does she think he's a loser? 

What's the difference between you and your son?  There is none.  It's gonna take a long time to get over the "loser comment". 

I know you want to see your son and you will but it will always be on her terms.  You deserve a bad day!!  This is exactly how some of them operate. Disgusting.  If it wasn't you, it would be another parent that she did this to.
You are not a loser!!

No you are not a loser!  I'm so disheartened by the comments I've heard on here coming from DIL's!  You did (at least) something right (which equates to a lifetime of raising a well balanced and intelligent son who loves her).  I sooo agree with chickie!   

My DIL has commented on what a great job I did with my son.  While I'm happy she recognises my efforts, I still have to contend with her opinion that she is the only "good" mother on the face of the earth.  I'm afraid of the jitter's I get when thinking of that!  I would never tell her, but I NEVER packed my kids into a car without enough gas to get back home!

I'm sorry I keep harping on that one thing, but it really got to me!  It will take some time for me to get over the fact that a "good mother" in her eyes does things like that with her children.  Makes me wonder about my own capabilities.  Was I really a good mother, or is the observation coming from someone who really doesn't know? 

Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Orly on January 16, 2010, 02:25:01 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 08:51:55 AM
Creme, I'm glad you know of people who have good DILs.  I don't know any.  I've heard of it but don't know it first hand.


Chickie,
I do have to say my mother had two good DIL's.  They were always glad to see her come, gave her all the access she wanted with grand-kids and in general were good friends with her.   Now, my brother, was the one who had a hard time with the fact that HIS MOM, kept a good relationship going with her DILs when he got divorced from them.  When she passed away, the CDIL came to the funeral, the DDIL paid to send HER KIDS (she works in nursing and couldn't get away) to it.    They tell me to this day, they miss her.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 04:54:41 PM
I think that's wonderful, Orly....I know your Mother must have been a good woman and a good friend to the DILs.  She was blessed
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2010, 07:57:37 PM
Have DILs changed over the years?
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 08:15:01 PM
I think they've changed because society has changed.  My husband asked me if we were better off because of woman's liberation?  I told him that in many ways we were but as far as women and their inability to just be kind, it's gone.

They probably can be kind to strangers but it's hard for them to do the same with us.  We're like a Corporate threat, they can't break the glass ceiling as long as we're in the way.

I think I told you about my husband and his work...he works with women.  About 180 of them....he said it was like herding cats.  He doesn't care for the younger ones but gets along with them.  They are very cocky and curt.  He hates curt.  He's a Southern gentleman. 
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cremebrulee on January 17, 2010, 02:52:30 AM
Good Point Chickie, which brought another point to light...I work in the corporate field for a huge world wide corporation...do you know, that most women I talk to say, they wouldn't work for another woman.   Now, granted, I've worked for some very organized and confident women in my life time, but not many...however, there are women in the workforce who are brutal....they are not confident and organized, but were put in positions years ago, due to minority percentages...you can't imagine how many are not good leaders....they're secretaries cry, out of frustration and being hammered down by these women....they want to take over, but in doing so, they blame everyone else for they're mistakes...and the effect on they're workers is very negative...I know of several women who have been demoted or walked out...they don't belong there...do you know that our workforce is predominately women...which is ok with me, as long as they can do the job....and be good leaders...

Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 17, 2010, 06:23:16 AM
For the most part, no, I would not like to work for a woman. I don't know anyone who would.   They are "people stepper on ers"

If they want something, usually they step on anyone in their way, not always but a lot. I'm sure that could be said about men and has been said through the years.  There's just something different about a catty, curt, bossy woman.  Even other women don't like them. 
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 17, 2010, 09:36:37 AM
I've worked for both men and women, and I've only had four good to excellent bosses, equally divided between male and female. The qualities I like in a boss don't really have anything to do with gender.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 17, 2010, 02:11:45 PM
Anna, I wonder what PPD is?  Did I have it, could I have had it?  I could have pulled all kinds of stunts if I had only known!   Drats!!
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2010, 08:38:43 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 16, 2010, 08:51:55 AM
Creme, I'm glad you know of people who have good DILs.  I don't know any.  I've heard of it but don't know it first hand.

I'm the only one I know who has a problem...my cousin started out having a problem, years ago, but she said, always held onto the fact, that there was no way, she was going to allow her DIL to push her buttons so that she wouldn't see her son or Grand children, and she swallowed a lot, but now they are great friends and she watches her GC all the time...wish I had done the same thing, just never said a word....
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Orly on January 20, 2010, 06:25:17 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 17, 2010, 02:11:45 PM
Anna, I wonder what PPD is?  Did I have it, could I have had it?  I could have pulled all kinds of stunts if I had only known!   Drats!!


Chickie,
Fortunately I never had to worry about "suffering" Post-partum Depression,  just the regular everyday kind....so basically the only people I ever dream of "doing away with" are the really mean, nasty ones that go out of their way to be hateful to others.  Since I'm now menopausal, I'm getting really inventive in my daydreams.  Too bad I still keep my darker side squelched tight, it might be cathartic to go postal once in a blue moon....Dang, missed my chance on NEW YEAR's EVE!
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 20, 2010, 06:32:10 PM
It's great having daydreams, isn't it Orly?  We're menopausal and now we know about PPD and PDP and PDDPDD....watch out!  No one should have told us we could have all these things!
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 06:37:59 AM
Hi All,

I have been away for a while.  I have to confess that a couple of times my hurt has caused me to make some bad decisions like drink a little too much wine and then feel worse about everything.   Yeah I know this is bad.  This just makes you more emotional.   

I don't feel the knot in my stomach as much anymore,  but I can't even get my son to call me back.  I called him on his birthday and left a message and sent him a message but never heard from him.  I just never thought he would stay away from me because of someone.

I still can't believe all of this.  I really was so excited about the new baby and thought I was going to get to play a big part and I don't even get to see her.   

It stinks!!!!!
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 22, 2010, 06:58:12 AM
Dear Sadat,
I went back and read your first post where the DIL said you broke her rules.  I know you know that you shouldn't have spilled the beans now but I'm sure that at the time you just thought, like the idiots WE ARE that joy was spilling out and you were bursting to tell.

These infractions are not forgiven by these young women.  I don't know why but to them, any offense is "major cut off time".   I hope that you will not continue to let this eat your breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Believe me, I know how hard this is going to be.  You are in grief right now, just as in a death so I hope you will back WAY OFF of this for a long time.  Be the hold out; be the one to care about yourself enough to let her/him get in touch with you.

As Luise has said, this behavior is known as "cutting him  from the herd".  It will last as long as she needs it to to  feel in control.. and then and only then, will she will let you back in. 

It is infuriating.. I know it is. It makes me infuriated just to read your story!! >:(

No infraction can be forgiven because 'the little brat' is not yet in total domination of her husband.  She must dominate and whatever it takes to do that, she'll do. 

Wait this out.  Know that in some way she will allow him to have contact with you at some point. 
When he proves to her that she is the big head honcho boss, she will allow him back in. 

Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cremebrulee on January 22, 2010, 07:16:09 AM
Hello Sadat
I totally agree with not only Chickie's advice, but her explaination as to why they do what they do....it is most unfortunate, sad, and unthinking...and they are acting like Brat's as Chickie refers to them...
doesn't make your situation any easier, nor does it give you answers or help the pain your going thru, but the best thing you can do right now, is busy yourself....and I mean really busy yourself....lead your own life and when she's ready, she will send up smoke signals, and if you comply, hard as it is....she may also surprise you given time....

Big hugs, and instead of drinking wine, come in here and vent, or come over to my house and we'll make margarettas (sheesh, you guys are going to think I'm such a lush) 

Serioulsy...hugs hun and know your in our thoughts and prayers
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 07:28:16 AM
Thanks Creme and Chickie.  I really can cut them off for awhile.  I just feel guilty for cutting them off and not trying at all.   People say don't give up.  I will never give up but there is only so much rejection a person can handle.

It is kind of like being young or when I was divorced going after a guy that I liked more than he liked me and then him just not responding to my calls or messages so I said okay he is not into me.  LOL

Maybe they don't think that I have anything good to offer them as a parent or grandparent so that is just what hurts.

Thanks for listening.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Pen on January 22, 2010, 07:30:58 AM
Sadat46, you're right - it truly does stink. There's no reason for it. I can only imagine your grief; the little I've had to deal with compared to you is hard enough. You must take care of yourself so you can continue to take care of the rest of your family.

This site is such a comforting, safe place to land. {{Hugs}}

Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: isitme? on January 22, 2010, 07:40:22 AM
Quote from: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 07:28:16 AM
Thanks Creme and Chickie.  I really can cut them off for awhile.  I just feel guilty for cutting them off and not trying at all.   People say don't give up.  I will never give up but there is only so much rejection a person can handle.

It is kind of like being young or when I was divorced going after a guy that I liked more than he liked me and then him just not responding to my calls or messages so I said okay he is not into me.  LOL

Maybe they don't think that I have anything good to offer them as a parent or grandparent so that is just what hurts.

Thanks for listening.

Sadat, I don't think you should give up either but the idea of cutting them off or giving them a "time out" might not be a bad one.  Don't let yourself feel guilty about it - maybe you can think of it as a "time out" that might allow you to keep trying in the future.  I know exactly what you mean about there only being so much rejection you can handle though, I think a lot of us here are dealing with that.  It's harder for me to comment on the MILs experiences here since I don't have the same level of experience but in my opinion, your DIL does sound like a brat.  It's so sad when people don't realize that their actions have an effect on others.  But I guess that is the definition of self-centered....  >:(
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: Invisible on January 22, 2010, 09:05:47 AM
smlgrammy,

Please tell me your secret. How are you able to insulate yourself from being hurt. I need to follow your advise.

Quote from: smlgrammy on January 16, 2010, 04:54:48 AM
Survivor - Wow, I can't imagine being totally cut off from my son and the GC. How long has it been this way? I've read some of your "confession" posts, and truly admire your courage and honesty. Know you've been going to counseling also. How's that going? Is counselor working toward inviting son to participate to help in healing relationship with him? I certainly hope so. Please keep us posted. My heart breaks for you hon.

I won't allow my DIL to hurt me anymore. I took that power away from her a while ago. Early on, after her 1st child was born, she hurt me by ignoring me as a grandmother. What I mean by this, she never called to ask if I wanted to see the baby, but would arrange those times with her own mother and then tell me about the wonderful time they had. At first, I ignored it thinking she was trying to build a better relationship with her mom. That may sound a little trivial, but being completely left out time and time again took its toll. For several months, I never spent time with my GD alone. If I wanted to see her, I would have to call (felt I had to make appointment) and go to their house. Felt like she didn't trust me alone with her child. That hurt me because pre baby I believed we were pretty close and got along well. Wrong. As I said in an earlier post, "I don't know what demons were unleashed when she became a mother but she has never been the same person since".
Thus began the downhill slide and her true colors emerged. But . . . . she does not have the power to hurt me anymore. I took that away from her.

God bless Survivor - hope things improve for you, son and GC soon. (((((HUGS))))))
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cremebrulee on January 22, 2010, 09:14:20 AM
Quote from: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 07:28:16 AM
Thanks Creme and Chickie.  I really can cut them off for awhile.  I just feel guilty for cutting them off and not trying at all.   People say don't give up.  I will never give up but there is only so much rejection a person can handle.

It is kind of like being young or when I was divorced going after a guy that I liked more than he liked me and then him just not responding to my calls or messages so I said okay he is not into me.  LOL

Maybe they don't think that I have anything good to offer them as a parent or grandparent so that is just what hurts.

Thanks for listening.

your right Sadat...and I thought of a suggestion while I was reading this post....don't think of it as cutting them off...and don't formally cut them off...just stay quiet, respond very nicely when they do, but let them alone for awhile and see what happens...

and yes, I know that hurt very well...and I wish no one would have to feel that kind of pain....that is why it's so important to cry, when you need to cry, and then move on...it's always a work in progress...but keeping as busy as possible is very, no, hugely important....

You know we all love you, and care...so, when it gets tough, come in and post, don't drink the wine and become more depressed, that's not good....and doesn't help a thing....

think positive, read, take an art course, or horseback riding lessons, adopt a little fur person, I did, and I can't tell you how much that helps....we do a lot of walks together and he is soooooo loving....

Big hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 12:04:06 PM
Yes Creme,

I did get a new puppy and she is a lot of work and help.  Believe me I am extremely busy but sometimes find it hard to stay focused.  I work full time, have a 1 1/2 hour commute twice a day, hubby, 15 year old daughter, 19 year old step son.  I usually cook 4 to 5 nights a week and always on Sunday.  I go to church most Sundays.   

Marriage is not really great but we are working on it. 

Matter of fact, a warm vacation might be wonderful.  But that is only temporary.

I did try counseling but it is too expensive so this is my counseling.
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: cremebrulee on January 22, 2010, 12:17:02 PM
Quote from: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 12:04:06 PM
Yes Creme,

I did get a new puppy and she is a lot of work and help.  Believe me I am extremely busy but sometimes find it hard to stay focused.  I work full time, have a 1 1/2 hour commute twice a day, hubby, 15 year old daughter, 19 year old step son.  I usually cook 4 to 5 nights a week and always on Sunday.  I go to church most Sundays.   

Marriage is not really great but we are working on it. 

Matter of fact, a warm vacation might be wonderful.  But that is only temporary.

I did try counseling but it is too expensive so this is my counseling.

LOL, well then, I guess we're covered?  Yes?
Title: Re: Hard Times
Post by: sadat46 on January 22, 2010, 12:24:31 PM
Yes we are pretty covered.  I love the new dog, she is a mess but very loving.