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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: brandynd on March 12, 2010, 07:41:54 PM

Title: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on March 12, 2010, 07:41:54 PM
I'm sorry for infringing, as I know most women on this site probably are not a big fan of DIL's "lurking".  I do, however, have a genuine problem, and I don't want to bring it up on some of the other sites on the web, just to have women tell me what an awful MIL I have.  I just want an unbiased opinion.
DH and I got married almost a month ago to the day.  We've been together for 3 years, and we've always gotten along well.  MIL has always had an issue with me, and why I'm not really sure.  She goes out of her way to make me uncomfortable, and publicly humiliates me every chance that she gets.  She threw a fit about paying for a rehearsal dinner for our wedding.  If it was a money thing I would understand, but she can afford to go on a major vacation every 3 months, so DH didn't see a problem with asking her to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  When he called her to ask her if she was going to handle it, she responded to him by saying some pretty hurtful things about my family and how they weren't contributing enough to the wedding.  She went so far as to call my parents white trash, and even suggested that they pay for it themselves.  My father was laid off after an accident 4 months ago, and my parents helped pay for half of our wedding expenses...
It didn't stop there.  Her antics at my wedding were atrocious....and she didn't have a single drink in her.  First she kept making comments about one of my BM's, saying how she was so beautiful, and she always thought that DH would end up with a pretty blonde.  She also invited DH's ex girlfriend to our wedding (without my knowledge), and then went on to talk to anyone who would listen to her about how "my baby used to date Miss *****" (I really don't want to name the state, I'd rather not go into that).  I wound up spending a good hour and a half of my wedding reception crying.  It isn't that I'm insecure.  I'm okay with the fact that DH used to date a woman who most people would consider much more attractive than me.  That's ok, because there's so much more to people than looks, and if he wanted her, he'd still be with her.  It was just so hurtful to have somebody saying things like that on what was supposed to be one of the most special days of my life.
The latest happened about a week ago.  She decided to throw my SIL a birthday dinner at the last minute, which I couldn't go to because I work evenings and getting time off is difficult at best even with advanced notice.  DH told her it would just be him coming because I would be at work, and to that she replied "Oh, that's okay.  I just wanted to have family there anyway."
I don't understand.  I have never had someone dislike me so strongly.  I've tried so hard to be okay with DH's mom and who she is, but it's getting to the point where I LOATHE going to family events, because I know she'll find one way or another to make me feel bad about myself.  I'm going to risk sounding like a child for a second when I say it just isn't fair.  My family LOVES my husband.  They have since day 1.  It breaks my heart that he got to marry into a family who embraces him for who he is, while I have in-laws who are on a good day luke-warm.
I just don't know what to do.  It seems like everyone else I know ended up with a MIL who they adore, while I've gotten to the point that I'd rather have a root canal without anesthetic than be stuck in a room with mine.  I hate the position this is putting DH in, and I'd never make him choose, but I don't know how much more I can take.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 12, 2010, 07:58:27 PM
This is so sad, Brandy.  I am so very sorry for you, for your husband and I feel badly for your MIL, who is digging a hole for herself that she will not likely get out of.  She is creating a battle ground for herself.

If it wasn't so late here right now, I'd try to be of more help but we have some DILs on board here that I think could at least identify with what you're saying.  I know you're doing your best right now.  How sad this is. 

I'll talk to you tomorrow and I do hope you feel welcome here.   :)
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Hope on March 12, 2010, 09:31:05 PM
Brandy,
You have every reason to feel hurt.  It's a real shame that your mil doesn't appreciate you for the person you are and welcome you into her family.  By treating you this way, she not only makes you feel bad, but she is putting her DS in an akward position.  I liked your comment in reference to Miss **** whom your dh once dated, "if he wanted her, he'd still be with her" - it shows your true strength.   8)   Inner beauty is much more important than outer beauty.  What good is physical attractiveness if it is selfish or mean? 

There is no need for your mil to be unkind - it seems like bullying to me.  This is not acceptable treatment.  Have you considered talking to your dh about how it makes you feel when your mil treats you this way?  Perhaps your dh could talk to your mil and let her know that he does not approve of her treatment toward you.  Then if her poor behavior continues, you and your dh would have to come to an agreement of a consequence - such as once she treats you in this manner, you will both make a quick exit (you could have an agreed upon signal).  It is important to have your dh's understanding and support.  It's not that you want to come between him and his dm, but come on, she is being down right vulgar! 

Other posts on this site suggest that you not show weakness because bullies will feed on weakness.  If you plan in advance and try to think of something that makes you feel proud of yourself and strong so that you can recall that thought when you are being ridiculed, that will help give you the stance of strength.  Don't react. Bullies want a reaction as it rewards them, and thus they continue, or as Dobson says, "If there is no reaction, bullying's no fun".  You can respond, but not react: No screaming, no bursting into tears, no fighting back.  You can act as if the taunts are childish.  Stay calm and controlled.  It also helps to keep a journal. 

You are very articulate and resourceful (after all - you found this site)!  I only make these suggestions with the desire to help.  My suggestions are just that - suggestions.  You must follow your own heart.

Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Orly on March 12, 2010, 10:01:59 PM
Keep posting and dialoguing with the ladies. You are going to get support here and you'll read something that eases your mind. 

Right now you are adjusting to married life....and your MIL is adjusting to YOUR married life.  A month into your journey....you are still working out the dynamics of combining two families into something resembling a whole, or just balancing the two.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cremebrulee on March 13, 2010, 02:33:31 AM
Hi There Brandy and Welcome
I am sorry this is happening to you...as Orley said, you are adjusting to married life, being a new wife...so there are an awful lot of adjustments to be made.  However, your MIL does sound like a bully, and if I may suggest, it isn't you...I personally think, even if your DH would have married that beautiful blond, she would be the same way.  She sounds like she had pretty much control over your husband, and now subconsciously realizes, it isn't going to be that way any longer, and shouldn't be.  Try not to feel badly, b/c I'm certain your MIL was like this all her life...sounds like she's always been a princess and used to having her way.

That doesn't make her snyd remarks any less painful or excusable...but if you can, start adapting to the fact that she is who she is, and it may never change.  DH loves you, he chose you, and that is something she's going to have to acclimate to, if she ever does. 

As time goes by, and you and DH do discuss this, never, ever get into an argument about it...or take things he says, like he is defending her and not you...he is caught in the middle...raised all his life to respect his mother...that is called conditioning which we all have had.  However, when you discuss this issue, listen to him...and only ask of him to do the same. 

Perhaps you two could eventually go to counseling together for a little while, just until he views your point of view and how hurtful this is for you.  And remember, as hurtful as it is for you, it is also hurtful to him...all our son's want is peace, and for his family to accept and love they're wives...


It is very important for him to eventually if not sooner, discuss this with his mother and let her know, that you are his wife, and he expects nothing less then respect from her when she talks to you, that you are family now, and she is going to have to accept that...and if she  doesn't by her own choice, she is going to drive a wedge between he and her and it won't be a good thing.  Perhpas eventually you can all go to counseling together...however, maybe not...in the meantime,weigh out the things she says, and do stand up for yourself...perhpas when she says things that are unacceptable, say to her, excuse me, that is unacceptable and hurtful...

I know one of my girlfriends did that in the beginning, and it worked, however, you must weigh the entire situation and from your heart react...b/c every situation and person is different...in the meantime, let hubby know how hurtful this is....and discuss, never argue...and ask him if there is anything you could do.  Ask him if he thinks you should stand up to her...don't allow this to put a strain on your marriage.

Love and hugs
Creme
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Marilyn on March 13, 2010, 10:17:59 AM
Welcome Brandy,first i would like to extend a heart felt hug to you.And we are a fan to any Dil that is hurting and feeling distress.I'm so very sorry your special day was ruined by your MIL's unacceptable behaviour,and her uncalled for and hurtful remarks.I agree with what Creme told you.Your hubby needs to know,and you do need to stand up to her.As most of us here know,when things like this happens,your not expecting this, and your just in shock and speechless.If you can get this worked out now,and are able to be assertive with her,will save you a lot more heart ache in the future.

Please keep us posted,and know you have all our support
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on March 13, 2010, 12:34:33 PM
Hey ladies, I'm back....I was writing my post last night while I was working late, and I read over it this morning and realized that this probably all sounds like it's coming out of nowhere.  I guess I'm so used to the way that things are that I forget to start from the beginning...
Forgive me, this is probably going to be a bit longwinded, and I don't mean to sound like I'm attacking my MIL, so if it comes across that way I do apologize.  I'm just at my wits end, and I can feel my patience dwindling.
The bad behavior from my MIL started shortly after DH and I got engaged.  I was living with them temporarily, because after I left my sorority my so called "best friend" kicked me out of our house, and my parents lived 2 hours away from campus.  I couldn't really afford to get an apartment on my own just yet, so DH offered to let me come live in their guest room for a while.
The night we came home from him proposing to me, she took my engagement ring right off of my finger and demanded to examine it.  I chalked this up to her excitement over the engagement, but then she started complaining about how she and DH's sisters didn't get to go to the restaurant with him when he proposed. 
When DH and I found a house to move into, she threw a fit because he was moving out, and therefore could not pay her mortgage anymore.  I'm not even embellishing on this, which is the sad part.  My DH was working his way through college and simultaneously supporting his 50 y/o mother, who is in perfect health.  She sold her home shortly after, and then got upset because DH didn't want her to come live with us and be our "roommate."  She blamed the whole thing on me, when all her son wanted was to be allowed to be an adult.  I had nothing to do with his decision, as when it comes to anything having to do with "momma" I usually keep my mouth shut.  I'm horrible with confrontation.
Fast-forward to a week before the wedding.  Every day during our wedding week she called my husband an average of seven times a day.  I understand keeping a close relationship with your FOO, but how many mothers on this site can honestly tell me that there is nothing wrong with calling your child half a dozen times in an 8 hour period?  I would not mind this at all if it weren't for the fact that while she was doing this we were both running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get last minute details done.  And it wasn't even her calling to offer to help, or to get important information from him.  She actually told him that she felt like a little piece of her was dying on the inside.  When I heard her say that my jaw just dropped.  I had no response for that one.
I should probably add in that DH and I had to cancel our original wedding because of her, which was to take place a month before the wedding we had.  DH's father was killed in a car accident last summer, and we didn't feel right about having a big wedding without his dad, who was a wonderful man.  (I feel like I should go ahead and let everyone know that FIL and MIL divorced 21 years ago).  Anyways, we had everything booked, and had agreed to pay MIL's way for the wedding, and that she could pay us back at a later time.  After we had her trip booked, she called back and switched her reservation to the highest room class at the resort, which cost $2000 more than DH's and I's entire trip!  We told her we could not afford this, and she threw a fit saying she just wouldn't go to the wedding.  After 2 months of arguing, we finally cancelled our destination wedding, and plan a local wedding at home.  We got a phone call last week saying that we needed to pay DH's sister the money for MIL's deposit on the upgraded room, because she had put it on my SIL's credit card.  No way, that's not happening.
Which brings me up to the wedding day fiasco, which I've already told you all about.  I've come to realize that there is no getting through to this woman, and I don't even want to try anymore.  The best I can hope for is that by continuing to be cordial to her she will someday extend me the same courtesy.  I'm afraid what will happen when DH and I decide to have children.  I won't keep her from being a part of their lives, but I really don't want my children to be around her when she exhibits this type of neurotic behavior.  Reading through this it sounds so petty, and I don't mean it to.  I guess there are some things that just can't come out as pleasant and nice, no matter how you try to word them.  I've tried repeatedly to find some justification for her behavior, but I just can't.  I feel like I can't do anything right.  I just want to be able to HAVE a relationship with my MIL, and not feel like I'm walking on eggshells every time I'm in her presence. 
Any MIL's on here up for a MIL/DIL swap? Hahaha.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cremebrulee on March 13, 2010, 12:49:43 PM
without dissecting what you've written, I'm going to say, most assuredly, that you have to take charge...your MIL will be your children's grandmother, however, that doesn't entitle her to anything after acting this way.

Brandy, how does your husband feel about all of this...it really seems like you do have a handle on things, but how is this effecting your marriage...what does he say about it?

Every situation you speak of, isn't at all a simple misunderstanding...she, your MIL has some serious problems and expected her son to keep taking care of her...that is what she is envious about...you've taken away her free ride...I say tough!

And by the way, you have a right to feel the way you do, and it is valid...a mother who loves, wouldn't act like this...and cause all this trouble...this is some kind of personality disorder...and I'm wondering if the other ladies here agree....this to me, is one of those abnormal situations that never goes away...and I'm so so sorry your going thru this...I know your frustrations, the feelings of rejection, hurt, anger...we all do...so, don't believe for one moment this is foolish b/c your feelings are important...

and know, that we as Mil's are pretty sharp...doesn't mean we dislike DIL's, not in the least...especially one as yourself....you shouldn't have to be living this nightmare...and I would if I were you, do my best to council with DH as much as possible....

I'm worried there are a lot of problems your husband has developed due to her...please tell me I'm wrong...

Is he able to stand up and be counted, or is he afraid, b/c she is his mother?


Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on March 13, 2010, 01:20:44 PM
DH knows that his mom is difficult.  He does his best to keep her in check, but there's only so much that he can do before she throws things back in his face.  He has a hard time with standing up to her, because he doesn't want to alienate her, as she's the only living parent he has left.  I really don't like to talk about it with DH, because every time I bring it up, it comes across like I am attacking her, which isn't at all what I'm doing, but it's very difficult not to get emotional.
The problem that he does have, though, is accepting the fact that since we're married now, our family (ha and I) is what needs to come first.  I understand that the FOO is still important, but now that we're married, I expect to be his number one priority, as he is now mine.  I don't want to play second fiddle to his mother for the rest of her life. 
I've been talking with my priest about this a great deal, as well as a senior couple at our parish, who we did our FOCCUS training with before we were married.  This is an issue that has been ongoing throughout our time together as a couple and I've found that through having the support of them it's made it more bearable for me to handle the things that are happening.  It doesn't make it easy though.  The only real sense of support I have from DH's side of the family (aside from him) is my BIL who also married into the family and knows how MIL is.  The words of advice that he offered to me were to paste a smile on my face, and when she starts going on and on to just tune her out, and every once in a while nod. 
We'll see what happens.  We just put a bid on a house, and MIL is already going on about how her lease is up soon (she ended up selling her home) and she wants to move in with us.  If this continues I will not keep my mouth shut.  I don't think it is appropriate for her to be living with us, when she is still fully capable of taking care of herself.  Hopefully this cleared up my last post a bit for you!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cremebrulee on March 13, 2010, 02:38:43 PM
I honestly dread the thought of her coming to live with you, it wouldn't be a healthy environment, and she'd have you two going round and round...she doesn't need to be living with you...that is so wrong...

Gosh, I'm so sorry to say, however, there are so many people out there who are so selfish and mean...

please know your in our thoughts and prayers...stay tough and come in and vent anytime...

Hugs
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Marilyn on March 13, 2010, 03:11:15 PM
Brandy,Oh my,your Mil is very overbearing! :(

I think you would really benefit by going to counselling.Even if it's just you going at first,then see if you could get your husband to go with you.He is still grieving the loss of his father,so i'm sure this is a very uncomfortable situation for him.Some times it takes a third party to be able to see things more clearly.

Sending prayers,and a hug
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on March 13, 2010, 06:00:07 PM
There is no infringement...we renamed our forum WiseWomenUnite because so many DILs joined us. We love you!

I was hated by my mother the moment I was born because I wasn't the boy-baby she thought would save her marriage. And when I married Val 20 years ago, his son and DIL hated me before they met me because I was after his money. (What money?)

It's heartbreaking to be invisible and hated for no reason whatsoever...and never given a chance.

I'd create distance. ASAP!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cocobars on March 15, 2010, 01:51:56 PM
Quote from: thelaststraw on March 13, 2010, 01:20:44 PM
DH knows that his mom is difficult.  He does his best to keep her in check, but there's only so much that he can do before she throws things back in his face.  He has a hard time with standing up to her, because he doesn't want to alienate her, as she's the only living parent he has left.  I really don't like to talk about it with DH, because every time I bring it up, it comes across like I am attacking her, which isn't at all what I'm doing, but it's very difficult not to get emotional.
The problem that he does have, though, is accepting the fact that since we're married now, our family (ha and I) is what needs to come first.  I understand that the FOO is still important, but now that we're married, I expect to be his number one priority, as he is now mine.  I don't want to play second fiddle to his mother for the rest of her life. 
I've been talking with my priest about this a great deal, as well as a senior couple at our parish, who we did our FOCCUS training with before we were married.  This is an issue that has been ongoing throughout our time together as a couple and I've found that through having the support of them it's made it more bearable for me to handle the things that are happening.  It doesn't make it easy though.  The only real sense of support I have from DH's side of the family (aside from him) is my BIL who also married into the family and knows how MIL is.  The words of advice that he offered to me were to paste a smile on my face, and when she starts going on and on to just tune her out, and every once in a while nod. 
We'll see what happens.  We just put a bid on a house, and MIL is already going on about how her lease is up soon (she ended up selling her home) and she wants to move in with us.  If this continues I will not keep my mouth shut.  I don't think it is appropriate for her to be living with us, when she is still fully capable of taking care of herself.  Hopefully this cleared up my last post a bit for you!
thelaststraw, welcome!  I would sit down with my husband and have a long talk about this situation before it comes up.  I would explain to him your feelings, exactly as you have stated them here - that you accept her as family, but absolutely can't have her living with you, because it appears she doesn't accept your marriage yet.  I thought your post explaining this was very well put, and wouldn't imagine it coming across as an attack.  I'm hoping he will see it the same way, and would even consider giving him a copy.   If you are suspicious she is planning to move in, I would explain that to him and put your heads together to try to head her off at the pass.  She may be looking for ways to manipulate him into letting this happen.  I would even make some sort of back-up agreement, where if she comes up at the last minute with a hard luck story, you will find a place to put her temporarily.  I don't know how finances are, but check the homeless shelters in your area, if you can't afford a hotel (of course this is a last resort idea)  - I know this sounds really harsh, but you both need to consider the ways she is trying to exert control over your marriage (which she is not a part of).  She may not try again after realizing that she can't move in on you, and be more willing to look at options for herself. 

I know I will probably get alot of arguments for saying that, and I'm sorry if that's the case, but I started out with some stronger ideas that I've toned down to a more reasonable stance.  I'm sorry.  I just believe if you and your husband do not put up a very strong united front (maybe even stronger than most couples), you may regret it later.  Sometimes it takes a little time to adjust for some MIL's, but they usually mellow out over time - this may still happen. Your husband knows his mother better than anyone.  Ask him how far he believes she will take this, and take every precaution you can as a couple to get her to see that you are indeed a separate entitiy.  I would remind him also, that since he knows her very well, she also knows him just as well.  I would consider that too, when looking at what she may do.  A good reaction may have to surprise her to get her attention. 

I believe it's really up to your husband to talk to her, with you at his side (hence the united front), but I also think that when I am dealing with someone who is so strong willed and controlling, a back-up plan in place helps.  I doesn't sound to me like she is considerate of the family unit you have both created together, and the future you deserve - without her involvement to that extent...

I'm sorry if I upset anyone.  This is just how I feel, short of putting tacks in her chairs to make staying in my home uncomfortable.

Some of these ideas are probably extreme, but I hope you put your heads together and think of something.  Consider the element of surprise.  She doesn't seem to realize your DH is a grown man now with a family unit of his own.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on March 15, 2010, 03:07:41 PM
I agree that it is time to be your own advocates. To lie down and let yourselves be run over is self-destructive, it seems to me. If you don't take care of yourselves, who's going to? When I told my son one time that I was helpless (I forget now what it was about) and there was nothing I could do...he told me there are always choices...we just don't want to face the consequences. I would stand tall and take charge...before she does. Sending love!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cremebrulee on March 16, 2010, 04:16:10 AM
Coco, is right to suggest that hubby talk to his mother with you by his side, however, I do know for a fact, that is so much easier said then done. 

Men don't like to stand up to they're mothers...most of them can't.  They were raised to respect they're mothers and from what it sounds like, your MIL had full control and while growing up, your hubby probably experienced some fear factors, which kept him in tow...which is probably present today...and I know that is difficult for young wives to understand...it's not that they don't feel your #1.....it's just simply because I believe they feel disloyal to they're mothers if they do...due to being raised to respect adults...

This is two women fighting over the same man...and it's just like a love triangle...putting hubby/son in the middle, which is so frustrating for a man....and so difficult, and it does weigh on the marriage....

When I discussed my situation with my son the last time, he was so frustrated....so sad...all our son's husbands want is for us to get along...My son told me, which is true...women are vile....something sets us off, and things keep escalating from there...everything that happens from then on, is another strik against them...and then we actually percieve in our minds, that she is purposely trying to hurt us. 

I would firmly suggest counseling...especially if it is suggested that this woman come to live with you....your husband has to understand, you are not attacking his mother...you are trying to preserve your marriage.  He must understand, that this person isn't your mother and you were not raised like this...and that you love him with all your heart, however, you will do everything you can to avoid problmes in your marriage.  He must understand, you don't hate his mother, you HATE her behavior and her behavior is selfish and effects the lives of others in a very negative way.  He must learn how to deal with her and this is where counseling comes in....plus, no matter who she is, just b/c she is his mother, doesn't entitle her to expect people to pay her way...

You should have never canceled your destination wedding, and I suggest, that just the two of you someday plan another destination wedding, of your choice...invite no one else....

A friend at work did that...they didn't want anyone else there...they went to an island and got married on the beach...and she said, she wouldn't have changed it for the world....society breeds us to believe we must have these huge weddings, with all the frills, and it is so stressful...all the worry, getting all the bridesmaids together, the fights with mom and MIL....whose going to pay for what....it's just not worth it...when you could take that money and have a beautiful ceremony somewhere by yourselves, with no stress....

But I know a lot of young girls today don't agree...and parents seem to want to run the show, b/c they're paying for it...and then inlaws get upset, b/c they are expected to pay for so much of it, and it turns into a civil war....however, I do know that some weddings go very well...and work out just fine....but the expense is what bothers me...and so many young people expect huge weddings...

anyway, sorry, I got off track....

what I would do, is get your husband into couseling...there is a gal here who was having a lot of problems with her MIL, same as you, and before they got engaged, she insisted on going to counseling...

Isitme...please chime in and help this girl understand what I'm saying, as I don't always come off to clear....help me out, will you?

I believe Isitme's words would help you much more then mine...

I hope it all works out...keep the faith and understand, this woman has always been this way, and it's not you...she is simply devoid of understanding, the feelings of others...and doesn't care as long as she is getting her way....

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: catchingup on March 16, 2010, 06:19:18 AM
Quote from: thelaststraw on March 13, 2010, 01:20:44 PM
DH knows that his mom is difficult.  He does his best to keep her in check, but there's only so much that he can do before she throws things back in his face.  He has a hard time with standing up to her, because he doesn't want to alienate her, as she's the only living parent he has left.  I really don't like to talk about it with DH, because every time I bring it up, it comes across like I am attacking her, which isn't at all what I'm doing, but it's very difficult not to get emotional.
The problem that he does have, though, is accepting the fact that since we're married now, our family (ha and I) is what needs to come first.  I understand that the FOO is still important, but now that we're married, I expect to be his number one priority, as he is now mine.  I don't want to play second fiddle to his mother for the rest of her life. 
I've been talking with my priest about this a great deal, as well as a senior couple at our parish, who we did our FOCCUS training with before we were married.  This is an issue that has been ongoing throughout our time together as a couple and I've found that through having the support of them it's made it more bearable for me to handle the things that are happening.  It doesn't make it easy though.  The only real sense of support I have from DH's side of the family (aside from him) is my BIL who also married into the family and knows how MIL is.  The words of advice that he offered to me were to paste a smile on my face, and when she starts going on and on to just tune her out, and every once in a while nod. 
We'll see what happens.  We just put a bid on a house, and MIL is already going on about how her lease is up soon (she ended up selling her home) and she wants to move in with us.  If this continues I will not keep my mouth shut.  I don't think it is appropriate for her to be living with us, when she is still fully capable of taking care of herself.  Hopefully this cleared up my last post a bit for you!

It may help to read my post on the thread Daughter=in-laws, son-in-laws and the sub category "My story with my MIL"

I call what your Mil is doing "Emotional abuse"
If she hit you she could be charged with assault but she can merrily go along and emotionally abuse you which actually is worse and can leave bigger scars than assaulting you physically.

Now I am going to say something that you are not going to like and it was what a friend said to me that turned me round 180 degrees.

It is not your mother-in-laws  fault it is your fault. You are allowing it.

Dont expect DH to tell her ,warn him and tell him what you are going to do the next time she abuses you.

Tell her when she abuses you. "That is emotional abuse, and if you do that to me again you will never see me again"

Practise it over and over and over until it becomes second nature and also tell her that she will not be coming to live with you.

As we would say in South Africa "Finish and Klaar"

I was the same
1) Dont want to cause trouble in the family
2) I dont want to come between mother and son  blah blah blah
3) I want to be her friend
4) I will fight for her approval

Believe you me dont waste your time.

Do as Nike would say"Just do it" Tell her
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: isitme? on March 16, 2010, 01:58:56 PM
Quote from: cremebrulee on March 16, 2010, 04:16:10 AM

Isitme...please chime in and help this girl understand what I'm saying, as I don't always come off to clear....help me out, will you?


Here I am!  Thanks for thinking of me Creme - I was just thinking about responding to this and then saw your post and knew I had to!

hi thelaststraw, well as another DIL on this site, I think you have come to a great place to try and find the best possible solution to your MIL problems.  I think the ladies here have given you fantastic advice already... in fact the same kind of advice they gave to me when I first joined the site with my own FMIL problems.

From what you describe, I think the problem is your MIL and not you.  No one is perfect but no one deserves to be treated the way you have by your MIL.  Sad to say but you can never expect her to change.  You can only change yourself - that's one of the big lessons I've learned from all of this so far.  I hate confrontation too, but understanding my FMIL more has helped me change the way I react to her.  The idea that you shouldn't react to her is a great one - this goes for ALL bullies, as some ladies have already mentioned.  There are some good books out there that can help deal with this - two I recommend are "Emotional Vampires" by Albert Bernstein and "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward (she also has a book called "Toxic In-laws which is also good).  I highly recommend you check out some of these books - it can help you figure out how to interact with her in as healthy a way possible..

The most important thing is the relationship between you and your husband.  It's hard to realize this when you are being attacked, but your husband doesn't see/experience things the way you do and as someone already mentioned, may be "conditioned" to think these kinds of things are normal.  Certainly these kinds of behaviors aren't uncommon - but that doens't mean it is okay. 

Counseling might be a good option for the two of you in order to make sure you are on the same page.  When I first got on this site, it was suggested to me and I thought "wow, I don't know if things are THAT bad for us to go to counselling.."  But you know what?  I asked FH if we could go if we still were having problems with his mom, and when those problems continued, he agreed without any hesitation.  We went for a few months and it was helpful.  Our counselor told us she thought we had a really great relationship but also helped us work on individual issues.  Most of our conversations were about my FH's parents though - our final session was pretty much focused on how FH should try getting his mom out of the house and/or on anti-depressants.  This was kind of what I had been saying all along but hearing it from a 3rd party is probably what made it stick....  I'm happy to report that things have been going well so far and we have finally been able to start planning our wedding!  I think the counselling really helped in several ways.  It gave my FH a little bit of a wake up call to have a professional suggest to him that his mother's behavior was abusive and that their family was pretty unhealthy (that's a bit of a gloss but the general gist of things).  It also helped us BOTH develop communication strategies that hopefully will strengthen our partnership in the future.  So in addition to thinking about going to counselling as a solution to in-law problems, I also tried to think about it as general pre-marital counselling and I"m REALLY glad we did it - I learned a lot of things.  That being said, I have to admit, I also felt a little bit validated after hearing a professional state that the problem really was with FMIL (hearing it from the ladies on this site helps too!).  In fact, I would say it was a combination of the counselling and talking to many of the women here that helped me reach the place that I am in (quick shout out to the ladies here - THANKS!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!).  FMIL is still difficult but I feel better about it and as a result, our interactions lately have been... well, not necessarily great but a far cry from her calling me up to yell at me for 20 minutes about how I wasn't normal and never call her (you can see my earlier posts for that story - the ladies here made me feel SO much better about things like that!).  It's only a matter of time before she loses it about something again, but at least I feel like I have the tools to deal with it in a mature way AND I don't stress out about it all the time the way I used to...

I think the key to discussing things with your husband (with or without a professional) is to try and remain calm and unemotional.  It helps to work through ideas/venting first and come up with the right way to say things... that way whatever you are saying is perceived the way you mean it and not viewed as an attack because it comes from all this pent up emotion that you have from being treated so badly... at least, I think that was what was happening to me initially.  On DIL sites, they often say you don't have an MIL problem, you have a husband problem.  Sometimes that is true if your husband cannot stand up to an abusive parent etc. because most men really ARE bad at handling emotional scenes/drama/manipulation.  But everyone plays a part in the relationship - you have to be responsible for your side, make sure your husband knows what he has to do (you both should be agreed on these roles), and then leave the rest up to your MIL.  Relationships only work when everyone wants them too.  Don't blame yourself if she doens't change.  Just know that you have done everything you can..  the MILs here are great and really are a surrogates for us sad and unwanted DILs.  You have found yourself in a good place among really kind and caring MILs!  Good luck!!!!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on March 16, 2010, 03:18:38 PM
Isitme - Thank you so much for that! Pings! :)
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cremebrulee on March 17, 2010, 04:50:03 AM
Isitme, if you were here or I were there, I'd give you the biggest hug right now....
thanks so much for your help and time....
wonderful post...as always!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Hope on March 17, 2010, 08:21:58 PM
Well put, Isitme!  The best advice is from someone who has been there.  You are an inspiration!
Big bear hug, Hope
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Paris1950 on March 18, 2010, 10:23:28 AM
I will trade DILs.  Do not allow her to move in.  THere are so many nice active retirement communities and she can mingle with people her own age.  I am afraid if she moves in her goal will be to break your marriage up and have her son all too herself.

This MIL is looking to alienate you from the family.  I am not sure why your DH doesn't stand up for you at times.  There are constructive ways to do this.  It could be in your best interest for you and DH to get some professional advice before something is said for her to move in with you. 

Is there anyway you can move further away from her?  I wish you all the best.  I consider myself as a giving MIL and I have 2 DIL's who take advantage of me and they don't respect me either.  They know if they ask me for a favor I will do it. 

My children have given me a lot of drama for years, I am moving away to a retirement communitiy in the next 2-4 years if I can.  It depends on my situation with my son and grandson. 

God Bless
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: SunnyDays09 on March 18, 2010, 10:50:25 AM
  In my case it was the dil's mother that became enmeshed and ran the show. 
    Her daughter is a very insecure type and never stood up to her mom.  I came into the picture wanting not to "hover". 
   I never phoned unexpectedly.  I never gave my advice to either.  I was neutral.  I helped when asked and basically I thought we were getting along.
   I minded my own business and kept my mouth shut.  Oh well. 

  I guess I should have become as controlling and self centered as the other mother for things just did not work out.

   My point?  Fight for your right - whether you be mil or dil.   If there is anyone stepping over the line just matter of factly tell them so.  If husband can't handle his mother than the wife just may have to.  But the same deal goes for HER mother as well.  There should be a balance and one half of the couple should not be allowed to have all the control.

   There.  Whooo, I guess that has been stored up for awhile.  Oh, and you're all great people.  Just a little misunderstood when it comes to inlaws - and maybe some unusual expectations not being met.  Whatever it is...be smart, be kind and just let them know -- boundaries are a good place to start.   And good luck!!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on March 18, 2010, 11:01:18 AM
Wonderful to see you posting, Happy!

And Paris, why not start now researching Retirement Communities? We did a lot of that. Didn't know the difference between a for-profit and a non-profit except the obvious. Lived in two for-profits before we realized we didn't want to be entertained until we died. It got old. We needed a non-profit, where volunteering in a meaningful is legal. Didn't know it was illegal in the for-profits and we needed to feel useful. Here's the URL on the third place we moved to and have been in for ten years. And it had low-income housing, regular units, assisted care and nursing. That's call a Continuous Care Community." The big plus with that is you don't have to move and leave your friends when you need: more care. www.warmbeach.org . (Yes, that's a picture of me on the Home page.) Lots to learn!! Sending love!

Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: SunnyDays09 on March 18, 2010, 11:05:33 AM
QuoteWonderful to see you posting, Happy!

Hi luise!  Great to be here!  So many new people! 



Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on March 18, 2010, 11:12:54 AM
Yes, its just gets "wonderfuller and wonderfuller!"
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cocobars on March 18, 2010, 12:43:19 PM
Gooder and Gooder too! ;D
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on March 18, 2010, 03:00:35 PM
And lov-er-ly!!  ;D
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on March 24, 2010, 09:23:07 PM
Sorry I've been MIA lately.  We've been so, so busy.  One of my ousins is now getting married, and he's allowed me to take control and plan his wedding....FOR PROFIT!  Heck, yes, it's my first paid wedding.....hopefully I'll have my business fully up and running within a year.  Anyways, MIL is still being quite difficult.  I've gotten to the point where I just smile and nod at her, and when she says something I don't like I tell her I'm leaving and make a beeline for the exit.  She isn't going to change, and DH refuses to go to counseling.  There isn't much else that can be done about her but change my own attitude, and learn how to tolerate her and try to keep her in check.
I've started laying down ground rules for her.  Changed the locks on our doors so she can't let herself in at all hours, and finally informed her that unless someone is dying or seriously injured, she is not to call before 8am, or after 10:30 at night.  No excuses.  It's a small step, I know; but I've decided I'm done being her doormat.  If she does not treat me with the respect that I deserve, then she will not be seeing me around her home.  DH has said that if I don't go over to see her, then he won't either.  I'm not trying to keep him from his mother, but maybe spending a little less time with her will help snip the apron strings?  I can dream, can't I? 
I also told her that she will not be moving in with us.  She isn't even of retirement age yet, as she is only 50....maybe 52?  Anyways, I told her that we need some time to just be newlyweds and enjoy one another, and that we were planning on starting a family soon and would appreciate some space.  She hated that and threw a fit to DH....it was his idea, and he's the one who told her rudely.  I just tried to smooth it over and make it sound civil.  Oh well.  I find that if I take into consideration the source as she's berating me, it makes me feel a whole lot better.  Afterall, it isn't her opinon of me that is the important one.  I respect her because she is my husbands mother, but that does not mean we have to be best friends.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Hope on March 25, 2010, 06:15:17 AM
Sounds like you are headed in the right direction.  Hopefully, your MIL will see that respect should go both ways.  I would love to see you be friends one day.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cocobars on March 25, 2010, 06:29:29 AM
Hi thelaststraw!

It sounds like you have set some healthy bounderies since you were here last!  I definately agree with "considering the source," and letting her know that you wont stay around for harsh words.  Sometimes that's all you can do.  Respect is a two way street, so you may have to show a united front with your husband before she understands that you are his wife and deserve that.  I believe you have some healthy views of your marriage, and unfortunately, sometimes these boundaries have to be laid down.  Not every MIL is healthy, just as not all DIL's are either.  I'm happy you are here and I believe your perspective is very important to us in this forum.  I read another post by you this morning, where you seemed to be worried about playing devils advocate.  I thought you were very wise in what you said and I hope you will keep coming back through and posting, and no, I do not believe anyone will be upset with hearing different views. 

Good luck with the wedding you are planning!  Sounds exciting!  Sending hugs your way!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on March 25, 2010, 08:54:33 AM
I second all of that! Good for you!!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cremebrulee on March 25, 2010, 09:28:13 AM
Quote from: thelaststraw on March 24, 2010, 09:23:07 PM
Sorry I've been MIA lately.  We've been so, so busy.  One of my ousins is now getting married, and he's allowed me to take control and plan his wedding....FOR PROFIT!  Heck, yes, it's my first paid wedding.....hopefully I'll have my business fully up and running within a year.  Anyways, MIL is still being quite difficult.  I've gotten to the point where I just smile and nod at her, and when she says something I don't like I tell her I'm leaving and make a beeline for the exit.  She isn't going to change, and DH refuses to go to counseling.  There isn't much else that can be done about her but change my own attitude, and learn how to tolerate her and try to keep her in check.
I've started laying down ground rules for her.  Changed the locks on our doors so she can't let herself in at all hours, and finally informed her that unless someone is dying or seriously injured, she is not to call before 8am, or after 10:30 at night.  No excuses.  It's a small step, I know; but I've decided I'm done being her doormat.  If she does not treat me with the respect that I deserve, then she will not be seeing me around her home.  DH has said that if I don't go over to see her, then he won't either.  I'm not trying to keep him from his mother, but maybe spending a little less time with her will help snip the apron strings?  I can dream, can't I? 
I also told her that she will not be moving in with us.  She isn't even of retirement age yet, as she is only 50....maybe 52?  Anyways, I told her that we need some time to just be newlyweds and enjoy one another, and that we were planning on starting a family soon and would appreciate some space.  She hated that and threw a fit to DH....it was his idea, and he's the one who told her rudely.  I just tried to smooth it over and make it sound civil.  Oh well.  I find that if I take into consideration the source as she's berating me, it makes me feel a whole lot better.  Afterall, it isn't her opinon of me that is the important one.  I respect her because she is my husbands mother, but that does not mean we have to be best friends.


I think your on a roll, good for you....and, I'm behind you all the way...so keep on keepin on.  She won't like it, however, perhaps your the first person to set boundaries with her, and down the road, she may even respect you for all of this....

Good Luck
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: catchingup on March 28, 2010, 01:46:47 PM
Quote from: thelaststraw on March 24, 2010, 09:23:07 PM
Sorry I've been MIA lately.  We've been so, so busy.  One of my ousins is now getting married, and he's allowed me to take control and plan his wedding....FOR PROFIT!  Heck, yes, it's my first paid wedding.....hopefully I'll have my business fully up and running within a year.  Anyways, MIL is still being quite difficult.  I've gotten to the point where I just smile and nod at her, and when she says something I don't like I tell her I'm leaving and make a beeline for the exit.  She isn't going to change, and DH refuses to go to counseling.  There isn't much else that can be done about her but change my own attitude, and learn how to tolerate her and try to keep her in check.
I've started laying down ground rules for her.  Changed the locks on our doors so she can't let herself in at all hours, and finally informed her that unless someone is dying or seriously injured, she is not to call before 8am, or after 10:30 at night.  No excuses.  It's a small step, I know; but I've decided I'm done being her doormat.  If she does not treat me with the respect that I deserve, then she will not be seeing me around her home.  DH has said that if I don't go over to see her, then he won't either.  I'm not trying to keep him from his mother, but maybe spending a little less time with her will help snip the apron strings?  I can dream, can't I? 
I also told her that she will not be moving in with us.  She isn't even of retirement age yet, as she is only 50....maybe 52?  Anyways, I told her that we need some time to just be newlyweds and enjoy one another, and that we were planning on starting a family soon and would appreciate some space.  She hated that and threw a fit to DH....it was his idea, and he's the one who told her rudely.  I just tried to smooth it over and make it sound civil.  Oh well.  I find that if I take into consideration the source as she's berating me, it makes me feel a whole lot better.  Afterall, it isn't her opinon of me that is the important one.  I respect her because she is my husbands mother, but that does not mean we have to be best friends.

I see DH's response that he wont go round to see her if you don't as appealing to your emotions.
This is not fair because you do not want to keep him from seeing his mother (The good spirit in your nature wont allow that)
His response is a little unfair and you should tell him that he is to go otherwise it would mean that you would have to shoulder the blame for keeping him away from her.
How in heavens name did you ever allow her to have a key to your house in the first place?
I think you have made progress but I do also think that you should point out emotional abuse to her.
Using strong language like abuse may shake her up and give you an excuse to avoid her.
Give her something to think about.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cocobars on March 29, 2010, 05:57:00 AM
I agree with catchingup.  If your husband does this, your MIL will most likely blame the entire situation on you.  If he keeps going, even without you at his side, I would think he may have the chance sooner or later to help your situation with her get better.  He knows her and how she is.  I think she may listen to him if he is there and tells her about her abuse.  It soiunds like he may not do that, but I believe if he is there often enough, he may be able to reach her in some way, or at least warn her sometime that he can't tolerate her language and behavior toward his wife.

I also think it will help if you point out her abuse.  If both of you stick together I think it will help.  Sometimes people who are controlling like this will never change, but she should have the chance (and the warnings), without blaming you to understand what she's doing.

I hope things work out for you!  I still think you are growing and have made such progress!  Feel that? - Me patting your back!

Hugging you!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: catchingup on April 25, 2010, 08:33:11 AM
We have not heard from" Thelaststraw" for a while. Wonder how she is getting on.
I identify with her so much
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on April 25, 2010, 09:04:59 AM
thelaststraw...where AAAAAAARRRRRRRREEEEEE you?
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Pen on April 25, 2010, 10:29:45 AM
Last night I was thinking of all the WW who haven't posted here in awhile - I hope they check in; it would be great to hear from them.

This MIL story of LastStraw's is just awful! Thankfully not all MILs are like her...my DIL should be very grateful that we don't: throw tantrums, have a key, drop in, call, lecture, demand, whine, want to be BFFs, or any other ridiculousness. She hates us all the same, since we do have the audacity to exist. Oh, well...we tried. I'm still glad I'm not a Monster-in-law, even if DIL can't appreciate that :)
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on April 25, 2010, 12:16:46 PM
My "ex-daughter-of my heart-in-law" traveled over 500 miles to celebrate her 65th with me this week. She was rear-ended 2 1/2 years ago by an 18 wheeler and has severe brain damage. Had her own successful, high tech recruiting company and never worked another day. Her memory and brain run on strange and unreliable tracks...but she is slowly adjusting if not recovering. We had a wonderful visit. What a beautiful relationship can develop when no one is a "monster-in-law!" Those of you haven't read it...I wrote a Poem to her and it is under (surprise!) Poems.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on May 02, 2010, 03:25:15 PM
Sorry sorry sorry ladies!  Things have been hectic at best lately, and I've been busy being a worker bee.  Things are alright I guess.  MIL still hates me, but what can you expect?  We just moved yesterday into an apartment for 6 months until our house is ready....I swear it'll never be done.  Anyways, MIL is up to her tricks again.
Yesterday while moving a box spring out of the U-Haul, my BIL accidentally took me out with it, knocking me off of the ramp and successfully tearing all of the ligaments in my ankle.  DH and I had to go into the ER, and after being told that walking is a no-go for at least 2 weeks and sent home with my pain meds, all I wanted to do was cry from the pain and wait for the pain pill to knock me out.
When we got to the apartment, everybody had left except for MIL, who proceeded to tell me that I was "milking it," and didn't want to help with anything.  My ankle is still the size of a freaking volleyball, but yeah, I'm milking it.  She just has a bad attitude and I'm so sick of it.  I've gotten to the point (and I know this sounds bitter, so please, try to reserve judgement) that I'm wondering when she'll die so I can live in peace.  Wow, that's mean; I'm sorry, please don't think bad things about me!
Other than that, my green monster is coming out....badly.  DH and I want a baby sooo badly.  We've been trying for a few months now, which I mentioned to his sister, and to that she replied "Oh, well that's nice.  I don't want anymore--ever.  I think one is plenty and I wouldn't want to have to raise another one."
That was fine and good, until we got the call from SIL last night and she's pregnant again....and it's planned!  Ugh.  I know I shouldn't be jealous.  I'm totally aware that my response to her pregnancy is irrational, but I can't help it.  Lord help me, I am 22 and reproductively challenged :(
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on May 02, 2010, 03:55:15 PM
Ouch! Double ouch!  :o Sending love and sympathy!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Pen on May 02, 2010, 04:15:00 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this, TLS...it's hard enough to be laid up without hearing someone give you grief about it. And I'm sorry about your baby issues, too. It must be doubly difficult to have SIL being so flippant about it. My heart goes out to you. You're dealing with some really inconsiderate people. Take care.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on May 02, 2010, 06:18:11 PM
Bleh....is anybody still signed on tonight?  I'm just sitting at work and could use a definite pick me up.  The long hours at the office without any work to be completed leaves m feeling sad and reeling.  I just want to be a mommy so, so bad.  Now that we've been failing for the last 4 months, DH thinks we should quit trying as our honeymoon is in October and he doesn't think we'll have time to bump it up at this point if we do conceive.  I don't know what to do at this point.  I don't want to wait until October to continue trying, because we've been unable to make it happen for the past four months already; and lord knows how long it'll take if we wait until then to continue. 
It's just not fair.  People who don't even WANT kids are able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, and all that I want is to be a mommy and it just isn't happening.  The doctor thinks that it might be me, because I had some ovarian issues when I was younger.  I hope to God that isn't the case.  I don't know....just a depressing evening.  It doesn't help that it's storming outside and I'm the only one in the office.  I just want to cry.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on May 02, 2010, 07:23:18 PM
I'm up. It's only 7:21 PM on the West Coast.

For people who have tried and tried for years, four months probably doesn't sound like an eternity but I get that it does to you. So... here's what I would do...I would quit trying and have fun and let your baby choose the time. Sending love...
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: catchingup on May 06, 2010, 09:58:33 AM
 :D Get some fertility treatment and confound SIL.
Heehee ;) Maybe you will have triplets.

Have you used that word abusive to MIL yet.
What a B......
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on May 10, 2010, 08:49:37 PM
Sooo....just thought I'd update everybody on what's up.  I actually just was talking to DH and he made the comment that we haven't had tampons on our grocery list for a while (TMI, I'm sorry), which I hadn't even been thinking about.  I looked at the calendar and I'm actually 2 weeks late!  I didn't even realize it with everything that's been going on, because I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off working on a wedding.
Definitely picking up a test before bed tonight, and oh I hope.....I hope I hope I hope!!!!  Sorry for the excess enthusiasm ladies.  If anybody is remotely religious say a little prayer for me and my somewhat dysfunctional body!  Hugs and hugs and hugs, I'll be in touch soooooooon!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on May 10, 2010, 09:00:45 PM
I am not remotely religious but I am doing prayers, incantations and affirmations to the Fertility Gods!! YES!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on May 11, 2010, 07:24:10 PM
Oh ladies, I am back.  I'm sad to say that there's no baby cookin' yet. But it's okay!  I'v got to stay positive about the whole thing!  Going into meet with the doctor tomorrow; pretty sure they're going to prescribe clonopin? is that right?  Oh well, whatever the super fun baby making drug is, that's what they're shooting to put me on. Is anybody else trying?  DILs, where are you at on this one????
Ahh!!!!  I've hijacked my own thread!  Oops.  I'm a bit of an AD/HD kid, so please ignore the fact that I get off track by every little thing imaginable.  Anyways, the MIL chronicles have continued, so I'll post some more of her super fun shenanigans when I get back from late night sushi (really just rice for me, because my body doesn't like the mercury) with the hubby and some good friends!
Sending hugs and love, and all sorts of cheesy smiles your way!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on May 11, 2010, 07:34:35 PM
Oh, Fu Manchu!  :(
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Scoop on May 12, 2010, 06:25:34 AM
TLS - buy the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Something-or-other.  Have you already started charting your temperatures?  That's usually the first thing the doctors ask for.  So before you even go see a doctor, it helps to have a couple of months of charts available.

Are you overweight?  Even losing 10% of your weight will make it easier on your body.  Actually it helps in many ways.  Your "old" clothes fit longer and you're still strong from carrying the weight, such that the pregnancy weight is not so hard to bear.

It took us 3 years to conceive DD, and in the 6 years since she's been born, we haven't had any "luck" conceiving a sibling for her.  So be prepared.  Sometimes it's not that easy.

As a last resort, you should get DH a football player uniform and you a head cheerleader uniform and then borrow his Dad's car - that always works in highschool!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on May 12, 2010, 07:02:43 AM
I know this is a really serious subject but that crack about high school was hilarious!!!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: MLW07 on May 12, 2010, 08:26:27 AM
We have been trying for 4 months.  No baby yet, but everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it yet.  They say as soon as you stop worrying about it it will happen.  Oh I hope so.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on May 12, 2010, 08:34:05 AM
Crossing my fingers, eyes, elbows and ankles!  :-)
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on May 12, 2010, 06:25:21 PM
Bah...went to the doctor today.  The reason we're having a hard time conceiving is because I had stage 2 displaysia when I was 17, and they had to freeze my cervix and all that fun stuff, so it may take some time for us to get pregnant, but according to the doctor all is not lost!
No, MIL is jus making me nuts.  She has made some comments about our reproductive issues, and doesn't think we should have a baby because "Surely the marriage won't last."
Never thought she'd actually come out and say that to my face. I suppose I ought to give her credit for at least having the courage to say it in front of me instead of just saying it to family members.  Weird....as I'm writing this I'm not even upset.  I don't even care what she says anymore..I suppose I have you ladies to thank for that.  My whole mantra is "Just let it rol off your back like water off a ducks back..."
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on May 12, 2010, 06:34:38 PM
Sorry to hear that and glad it's treatable.

Oh, bite my tongue! I would want to say.."Really? May I borrow your crystal ball?" ( ;D ;D)

And you are so right about letting it roll off. Such unkindness is 100% about her. You're just fine.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: 1Glitterati on May 12, 2010, 07:08:31 PM
Quote from: thelaststraw on May 12, 2010, 06:25:21 PM
Bah...went to the doctor today.  The reason we're having a hard time conceiving is because I had stage 2 displaysia when I was 17, and they had to freeze my cervix and all that fun stuff, so it may take some time for us to get pregnant, but according to the doctor all is not lost!
No, MIL is jus making me nuts. 

She has made some comments about our reproductive issues, and doesn't think we should have a baby because "Surely the marriage won't last."
Never thought she'd actually come out and say that to my face. I suppose I ought to give her credit for at least having the courage to say it in front of me instead of just saying it to family members.    Hon...that's not courage, that is pure d trashiness.  That is so nasty it doesn't even deserve a bless your heart said in the truest southern sense.



Weird....as I'm writing this I'm not even upset.  I don't even care what she says anymore..I suppose I have you ladies to thank for that.  My whole mantra is "Just let it rol off your back like water off a ducks back..." I think you're amazing for having that attitude.  My first impulse (although not action because I actually do have a wee bit of self control) would be to hit her right in the mouth and keep hitting she choked on the loose teeth.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: cremebrulee on May 13, 2010, 03:55:11 AM
Quote from: thelaststraw on May 12, 2010, 06:25:21 PM
Bah...went to the doctor today.  The reason we're having a hard time conceiving is because I had stage 2 displaysia when I was 17, and they had to freeze my cervix and all that fun stuff, so it may take some time for us to get pregnant, but according to the doctor all is not lost!
No, MIL is jus making me nuts.  She has made some comments about our reproductive issues, and doesn't think we should have a baby because "Surely the marriage won't last."
Never thought she'd actually come out and say that to my face. I suppose I ought to give her credit for at least having the courage to say it in front of me instead of just saying it to family members.  Weird....as I'm writing this I'm not even upset.  I don't even care what she says anymore..I suppose I have you ladies to thank for that.  My whole mantra is "Just let it rol off your back like water off a ducks back..."

why would she even think that?????  Even if my DIL and I didn't get along, I would never think that, or want that?  What is wrong with people...I'm sorry girls but stuff like this really upsets me....I cannot believe how evil some minds are??

I'm sending you big hugs and prayers to the fratility Gods, and I'm so so happy you are able to let this stuff she says roll off your back....you are a gem!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: catchingup on May 15, 2010, 12:11:02 AM

It is so nice to have a DIL chat to the MIL's here.
I think Thelaststraw should have been one of our DIL's
seeing she takes time to talk to us oldies.
Her MIL does not appreciate her.
Fancy saying "The marriage will not last"
If I was you I would tell her ever so sweetly that if she
does not like you that you will keep out of her way completely
Then do so for a considerable time anyway. She needs a shakeup.
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Pooh on May 18, 2010, 01:32:43 PM
Ok, only two things to say:

(Ahem)

1.    I will GLADLY swap DILs for you girl!!!!!!!  Then my DIL and your MIL can go argue over who gets to use the bidet' first, while we go walk along the river, feed the ducks and people watch.

2.    You are a better person than I am.  After the comment she made about the marriage not lasting, I would have had to say, "Well, truthfully I am just in it for the sex anyway!" and watch her mouth drop.  (Muah ha ha)Psst...that's my evil laugh!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on May 18, 2010, 07:00:31 PM
Oh Pooh,
You are too funny!  She is who she is though, and that's okay!  She can only make me feel inferior if I let her, and I don't plan on that happening, so she can just go on ahead and be miserable.  If it weren't me she were picking at it would be something else, and it just makes me sad for her.  Someday she'll find peace with herself....hopefully!  I would love to do a MIL/DIL swap.  Hahaha....I'll just ship her to you first class;nothing but the best for dear MIL!
Anyways, I better get going.  I think I'm coming down with a stomach virus, so I'm feeling pretty yucky tonight!  Off to bed so I can feel better tomorrow and finish up my thesis paper.  Wish me luck ladies, this thing is going to be the death of me!
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: brandynd on June 06, 2010, 02:19:59 PM
Ladies it's been a while....wanted to be sure before I told you. Time to do the happy dance, cause there's a baby on the way!!!!! I'll write more later. On the way  to dinner with DH and his family....wish me luck, I'll need it! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Marilyn on June 06, 2010, 03:21:37 PM
Congratulations! :)

Hope you have a wonderful dinner with IL's
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: luise.volta on June 06, 2010, 03:37:20 PM
Yippy-Yea!!! Sending love...
Title: Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
Post by: Pooh on June 07, 2010, 06:06:33 AM
Woot Woot!  Whoop there it is.......whoop there it is......

Congratulations!  :D