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Thanks Kate - I intend to invite her to every family get-together that I control.   According to her maternal grandparents/relatives, she is treating them the same way, so at least I know it is not personal (just found this out),  I have decided to continue with the invitations (same as her brother) but expect nothing in return.  Gifts will be given in person - cards (no funds inside) will be sent through mail or computer.  I pray she is safe.

You're right - it is time to let go.  My gut tells me something is very wrong, but my head knows there is nothing that I can do about it.   All I can do is pray for her safety.  I really believe the reason she is not contacting me is that she does not want us to know "what she has done or is doing".

Thank you for the responses.  Mummy bear - you are right - I am so tired (and another death in the family - just returned from the funeral), is not making things easier.   I do think that our granddaughter might be depressed but I hesitate to question our grandson - he has suffered so much in the past that I want him to relax when he is with us ((knowing that we won't be dealing with difficulties, just mundane and happy thoughts).  And Marina - I do hope our granddaughter is busy with her new job (unfortunately she never seems to last too long at employment situations).  Her mother acted this way - she would assume one committed some "negative" (usually non-existant) act - disappear from your life for a few months or even years,  and then....  But, her mother is a survivor and that does give some comfort.  However, this behaviour is so foreign to me - it is just so hard.

I love my grandchildren dearly.  Our grandson is in college - I try to message him every few weeks - he replies within 24 hours or less.  Our granddaughter is older and in the workforce - she rarely replies to any messages or emails.  She also has mental health issues and drug issues (according to her father is still "clean").  I try to support her by contacting her a couple of times a month by sending her newsy but mundane family stuff by computer.  But she has not replied in three months.  She does come home and that is a good sign.  I am beginning to wonder if something is very very wrong - I cannot stir the pot by asking anyone (I am always accused of interfering and the relationship with our son is tenuous at best, unless, of course, gifts and money are involved), but I am so sad.  I have changed my longer e-mails to short text messages (don't have her telephone number or address) - honestly, I think that I am being blocked and she does not receive my messages.  So, do I continue trying to be supportive (if she is on drugs or severely depressed this would be important) or do I just give up.  This behaviour started after she finished college and is trying to live on her own - she did ask if she could stop in for a visit three months ago and, unfortunately, we had plans for that week-end.  She has not contacted me since and is in our area once or twice a month.  Her birthday is coming - the usual money gift which I could leave with her father, or just a card or maybe an e-mail card - I still am on Facebook with her.  I am just so tired of this ....

I have been through what you are living and it is not easy.  Years have passed, a divorce (DIL left our son and abandoned her children), a remarriage, and the grandchildren are now grown.  And, we are again on civil terms with our son.

In our case, I am glad that we did not cut contact with our son.  Due to the departure of our DIL, our son eventually needed us and so did our grandchildren.  I, too, would feel nauseous whenever I needed to speak to our son (and there is still some of that residual feeling).  What worked best for us was to back way off and let my husband do most of the communications - holidays were horrible (and to this day, I still dread all holiday functions even though things are O.K.).  I had to learn to stop "trying to fix things" and trust that our son  would protect the children.  In fact, if I had taken these steps earlier, I feel the marriage would have ended earlier (which was a joke, at best), and he did eventually choose his children over her.  I so wish that I had not been "so readily available" - so eager to help.  Life would have been better for all of us - especially my husband and me.

I am so sorry ....

We have two sons so we are the paternal grandparents.  We noticed that the maternal grandparents got far more holidays and interactions with our children and grandchildren when they were young.  Our grandchildren are mostly grown now.  Funny, one set of maternal grandparents thought we saw our grandchildren far more often than they did - not true.

My point - it will never be equal or fair as far as holidays/interactions with our families after they marry.  So, enjoy the time you have with your grandchildren and daughter -  who is to say what next year will bring.  In our case, one maternal grandmother passed away far too young (we grew to love her).   The other maternal grandparents saw the grandchildren much less after their daughter left our son and abandoned her children.  It still is not fair - but, today, the remaining grandparents (us and them) are very good friends.  After all, we all love our grandchildren - them and us.

Your son is correct - parents should support their children in most (not all) endeavours.  But support does not mean just funds - it means offering advice (or not - which often is the better), or not criticizing and let them fail (and hopefully learn while doing so), or just saying "I have faith in your judgment" (even if faith means it will be a learning experience) or simply "you are now an adult and the ways of today's world confuse me".  I think you did support your son - just not in the way he expected or desired.  Stilllearning has good advice - focus on the other parts of your life and trust your son will eventually "learn" how to be an adult.  You cannot do this for him.  Glad you have joined us ....

Without going into detail, this happpened in our family.  Our DIL blamed us for all her ills; our son, her husband, sided with her.  The "talk" ended with her raging and our scurrying out the door.  She is now our former DIL (she left our son and abandoned her children).    My advice - if you personally are seen to be the "problem", don't explain your truth (it probably won't be heard) - just leave.  Honestly, I think it would be best if you and your husband were not present and see if your niece can get a handle on the situation.  In our case, our ex-DIL did not want us in her life and that was going to happen.  I have a really really uneasy feeling about this "talk" especially since it has not originated from either your son or DIL.  And no professional is present.  Remember - one cannot reason with someone who will not reason.  Good luck - you are going to need it ...

I found that when I became "unavailable", I was more valuable (not much more, mind you) to our family.   After I reached a certain birthday and dealt with some health issues, not only do I not have much "spare" time or "excess" money; I decided that I would come first.   Boy - that was a strange concept.  No one (except my mother) had ever put me first, so I decided it was about time.  I never told anyone - I just do it!   The first person I consider is me - husband is second.  Life is so much easier now.

I had this happen to me when our son married.  My husband received expensive thoughtful gifts; mine (if there was one) was something grabbed at the last minute - often a regifted  item.  What was happening is that our thoughtful son was purchasing gifts for his father and our DIL was responsible for my (read female) gifts.  It hurt; but I was always grateful (which I think upset her as she seemed to be "looking" for a reason to devalue me).  Oh - the marriage did not last - her selfishness and self- centeredness extended to everyone - not just me.  I really would not discuss this with your son (he probably is not aware of the discrepancy is value).  Oh - I continued to treat our DIL well until the divorce;  after all, she was our son's wife and mother of our grandchildren.  It proved a wise decision after she "left".

Ah - Mother's Day.  How I lamented over this day for almost two decades (guess I am a slow learner).  We always made a big "day" for both my mother and my mother-in-law; never going to happen for me.  This year, for the first time, I just don't want to be bothered with the day - planning, waiting, crying, expecting, being disappointed, being hurt, being an obligatory duty - no, I told my husband we will celebrate Father's Day.  Our family forgot their Dad last year- maybe we will do a restaurant brunch for those who can come (easy with little work).  On Sunday - I will go to church, visit a friend, go for a walk and enjoy the weather.  Relaxing, perhaps a bit introspective, no drama ...

I agree with shiny - I know my family cares for me.  They are so busy raising their children (some with a lot of issues - thanks to their bad parenting IMHO).  We have two sons who probably won't even remember the day; two DILs whom we love, but like this generation, her family counts (husband's family - not so much).  If I had known this forty years ago, I might have tried harder to have a daughter!   LOL

Whatever - right now my husband needs me (health issues that could become serious) and that will be enough for now.  Next year - who knows ....  so, I wish a "Happy Mother's Day" to each of you even (and especially) if you celebrate - shall we say - in a non-traditional manner.

I agree with what has been said.  But, you can still "plant" an idea in your husband's head - suggest he invite his mother to lunch (or even coffee) and then - it is his call.  Just a suggestion ....

So far no plans for Easter but I am NOT hosting our family this year - maybe Mother's Day dinner in a restaurant.   Thanks to Luise and  Patience, I only have a wee bit of guilt.  And Luise - you are correct - it is no longer "fun" to host these meals (especially when your family "eats and runs").  Afterwards, I would feel "sad" - not because the holiday was over, but because the interaction felt so "empty" after I would work and plan and hope so much.  I know I will see my family less - we don't see them much now - but I don't know how to change this (one of my DILs claims I just don't try hard enough) - frankly, I am tired of being the only one who "tries".

It is a "new normal" or "times are a-changin" ....

Do you still host large holiday meals?  Or have you made changes in dealing with holiday functions.  I know - Easter is around the corner and I don't know what to do do.  I don't want to "host" (I am still able but it is difficult) and I'm not sure how many of my immediate family would be available.  It is the uncertainty (two sons with families) that bothers me - do they only come because it is a duty?  Would they rather not?  If I don't host, will we see our family even less?  I could ask but, well - I am embarrassed to say that I might not get a reply (which hurts even more).   Sometimes one of our daughters-in-law hosts but, well - often times not.   My beloved mother-in-law told us when she turned 70 "I don't do big holiday meals any more"; my beloved mother told us "I want to host holiday gatherings as long as I can".  As I said, I do not want to host (restaurants are okay but not for  every holiday).  What to do?  Most of us are here because of a "fragile" family relationship.

Just wondering what the rest of our wise women do or think ...

Honestly, the description of your daughter reminds me of a relative of ours.  She, too had trouble - similar to your daughter.  We found out she was into heavy drugs (and probably prostitution to some extent).  Her father was lucky to get her into an adolescent residential centre for drug and alcohol addiction for six months.  We were lucky - she is doing  fine today (almost three years later).  While there, she had a lot of counselling - diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as well as a possible personality disorder.  Her life, I expect, will always be rather difficult.

I know this is not what you want to hear - I so feel for you.  And, I hope, your daughter is not into as dangerous a lifestyle as was our relative.  Are there any groups you could attend to help you?  Could your local mental health centre have any help or advice?   Unfortunately, this "way of living - constant  partytime" is not uncommon.  Perhaps someone else on this board might have more insight.