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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: cmyers2028 on April 25, 2012, 11:13:49 PM

Title: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: cmyers2028 on April 25, 2012, 11:13:49 PM
My son met this girl while working out of state just after graduating from college.  She comes from a family where the women are completely dependent on men.  They are uneducated and believe that men are their only source of income, as they refuse to work.  She became pregnant not long after meeting my son, I will admit that I did not react positively about the news.  Still, I love my grandson.   They moved to Texas after he was born, a move she was not and still is not happy about.   During his first year of my grandson's life, she was hysterical, always threatening to leave my son, take the baby.  She would jump out of moving vehicles, hitchhike with strangers with the baby, pack her bags everytime they fought, and did not want my son spending time with me.  We had started a business together and she made it impossible to meet.  Eventually he could not come to my house to work.  Overtime, my son and I have became more estranged.  I guess he chose the lessor of two evils, appeasing her. 

I now have 3 beautiful grandchildren (age 5, 2, 11 mos)   All three have spent a great deal of time with me, overnight visits as well.  They are so attached to me that I rarely visit them at their home, because they will cry and want to leave with me when I go.  If they see me in public, they want to come with me.  Because my son has worked seasonal jobs since they moved to Texas, our family has supported them.  My parents bought them a new home when they moved here, and I bought her a new car just last year.  We financially support them by paying the house payment, house insurance, taxes, car insurances.  I often buy them diapers, formula, clothes and toys for the babies of which is complains about when I give them to her.  More often than not, my grandkids do not wear the clothes I bought them, she gives them away.

Last week my grandson spent the night, I took him to buy a toy as a reward for always helping me with his sisters.  When I took him home, she flipped out, yelling at my grandson (age 5) and myself over the toy.  She claims that he had asked her for the toy in front of me and that I had heard her say no.  Honestly, I never heard this conversation, and it's quite possible that she is lying, as she has lied about things before.  I tried to reason with my son over the toy, but he sided with her.  Claiming I don't respect their wishes and rules.  I understand that my grandchildren have an abundance of toys, but in my opinion she/he have no reason to mistreat me over a toy and the clothes I buy the kids. Honestly, why pick a fight over toys and clothes, why not be grateful, very grateful.  Note, she doesn't work and when she has it doesn't last long, she quits or gets fired because of her temperment.

I'm sad because my son has chosen such a horrible partner, I'm sad because he has allowed her to manipulate him and isolate him from his family.   Although she fights like "cats and dogs' with her family, she's all about them.  They are contribute absolutely nothing to their household, instead, her family expects my son and us to pay for their expenses when they visit.  She has insulted me, cursed me out in front of my grandkids and others, treated my son the same, taken the kids out-of-state to her family, ignoring my son's calls.  But when she returns, she expects everything to be as if nothing ever happen!  My son can never visit me alone, she has to tag along.  She takes off to see her family out-of-state every chance she gets, while my son could never do that. 

My son told me today that I can no longer see my grandkids, that until I abide by her wishes it's best I don't see them. My heart is broken and I worry about my grandchildren.  It's hard to believe that my well-educated son is so manipulated by this uneducated rude girl.  You can't even imagine all of the support I have provided to them and to my grandkids.  To be kicked to the curb hurts, especially by my son.  A son that used to be so kind, so thoughtful and now he's become this.

I would sue for grandparental rights, but under the circumstances I have no real legal rights, since they live together.

She has managed to convince my son that I am their problem, and she is using my grandchildren to hurt me.  I feel like I have just been kicked in the stomach, my heart aches more than you will ever know.  But I refuse to "bow" to her wishes.
A toy is just a toy, clothes are clothes, she is making this an issue to get her way.

I don't know what to do next.  Friends and family tell me to "lay low", that they need me, more than I need them.  But I fear this time around it's different.  He has never kept the kids from me.  I'm worried this will become permanent.  My grandkids will wonder what happened to me, they will think I abandoned them.

I don't know what to do?? need advice.

Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: jdtm on April 26, 2012, 06:30:02 AM
I have lived what you are going through - except, we only had two grandchildren.  Every item you mentioned in your posting I have lived through - even to the toy issue.  Our elder son's wife was abusive - physically, emotionally and mentally to her children, as well as to our son's family, friends and neighbours.  After eleven years of marriage she stopped all communication with us (I was unable to babysit once) and so, our son (like yours) had to continue down the road alone - financially as well as in every other aspect.  It was very difficult especially since we lived across the street from them (literally).

But, after a year of no one to "blame" for all her ills, our son realized that his marriage was over.  Actually, she left him and abandoned her children - no one to help babysit or get meals or purchase clothes or give her money - she just did not want to be a wife or mother any longer.  Really, you don't have any other options except "lay low".  I was so hurt there was a time I did not know if I would "make it"; but once I accepted the fact that I could not "fix" it and could only help myself; things started to get better.  Take walks, join a gym, attend church, visit elders, garden, take up a new hobby, change shopping venues, attend theatre/movie productions, read, try new recipes, paint, etc. - whatever is different from what you now do.   I also required medication for depression and this helped a lot.

As for the grandchildren - I sent e-mails and my husband delivered gifts to their home (leaving them outside, of course).  I don't know if you could take things to your son or would having your husband be a better go-between (if was for us).  It has been three years since our DIL left and things will never be the same for our elder son and grandchildren as it is with our younger son's family.  But, things are getting better and we see our grandchildren some, but not as often as before - but some.

I so feel for you as I know what you are going through.  It will get better but never as it "should' be or "was".  I guess that is what we have to aceept - we do not get the "Norman Rockwell" family - not fair, but that is what it is.  So sorry ....
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on April 26, 2012, 07:33:35 AM
Welcome, CMyers. You'll find a lot of support here, as JDTM has shown. You are definitely not alone!

You've probably already done so, but if not, please take a moment to read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit and to give an idea of the policies here.

Glad you're here :)
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Scoop on April 26, 2012, 08:16:05 AM
Cmyers, what exactly are her "wishes"?

If she says to NOT buy a toy, then you shouldn't.  You don't know what's going on when you're not there.  Maybe she made a deal that GK could have that toy if they did XX.  Maybe she doesn't like that kind of toy and doesn't want her kids to have it.  Maybe she doesn't want them to be spoiled with toys.  Maybe they don't take care of the toys they have, and she said 'no more' until they could.  And actually, it doesn't matter WHY, it just matters that she said 'NO' and you didn't respect that, because you don't respect her.  Yes, I know you said you didn't hear her, but I wonder, was this the FIRST time?

Same thing for clothes.  Let them buy their kids clothes (and NOT with your money).  If they have 'too much' that they don't wear the ones you've already bought, then stop buying them.

I also have to say that I think you've made a HUGE mistake in supporting them financially all of these years.  I'm sure your DS and DIL feel like you OWN them, because you've paid for everything they have.  Of course they're going to buck against that, no one wants to feel like they OWE anyone or that anyone OWNS them.

Unfortunately, I don't know how you can change the dynamic.  If you withdraw all of your financial support, they will hate you for it (you know, "the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed" and all that).  But I don't think you should continue paying for them.  I think the best you could do would be to take all that toy & clothes money and contact a financial advisor and see if you can help them stand on their own 2 feet.  It's time for them to grow up.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.  I've always found that when a person becomes independent from their parents as a teenager, it's MUCH easier in the long run.  In my experience, it's always WAY more traumatic when an adult person has to either force their own independence or have it forced on them.

PS - I can also see where if you're buying all the clothes and all the toys, it doesn't leave anything for her family to buy for the kids for their actual birthdays ect.  And really, people want to pick out their own kids clothes.  Although it's 'just' toys and clothes, this is something you're taking away from them.  I'm just trying to show you a different side to your story.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: pam1 on April 26, 2012, 08:24:06 AM
Welcome cymyers :)

I really liked Scoop's post and thought she made a lot of good points.  The only thing I really have to add is that I think they may possibly be picking up on your distaste in DIL, you've mentioned she is uneducated several times in your post and how you think your DS made a poor choice in wife and mother of his children.  This kind of attitude is a really hard thing to hide, I would think they pick up on it. 

The breaking point is obviously the toys and clothes like they said, but the root comes from somewhere else.  If you find DIL, the mother of your grandchildren and wife of your son, this "horrible" then why do you think they would choose to be around you?  Would you choose to be around someone who thinks your horrible?  No matter what they do for you, would you want to be in their presence?  Would you want your child in the presence of someone who thinks their mother is horrible?

Just some food for thought.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: luise.volta on April 26, 2012, 08:42:01 AM
Welcome - It looks to me like the User Name you have chosen would help identify you. I suggest that you change it. There are a lot of good reasons to be cautious. Sending love...
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: NewMama on April 26, 2012, 09:29:24 AM
I'm sorry you're in such a situation. I think jdtm has some great advice there - you may not be able to 'fix' it, and you only have control over yourself. Find something new to focus on, take some time for yourself doing things you enjoy. Pushing them on the issue may make things worse. I'd also agree that you need to withdraw financial support - if they're refusing to have a respectful relationship with you, there's no way they should be getting any of your money. And even if they come around in time, they should still be supporting themselves.

I'm don't know your DIL and haven't had to deal with her, but something I commonly hear is that DS must have been brainwashed by DIL, because there's no other explanation for their behaviour. I think DSs get let off the hook a lot in situations where there's tension between a DIL/MIL. Saying that's it's hard to believe such a well educated man could be manipulated like that might be because he's not actually being manipulated at all, and you might have to face the fact that he's just siding with his significant other.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: luise.volta on April 26, 2012, 09:59:34 AM
That's a good point, NM. I found it so hard not to blame my DIL when my eldest decided I was the wicked witch of the west. And yet, he sided with her in deciding the same was true regarding her mom...and they sang the "Somebody's Done Me Wrong Song" together. It seems sometimes like there is an club. Let's see: the IAOMACOIP - International Association of Maligned Adult Children of Imperfect Parents? You know what I dislike the most about that? I was a member for many years. >:( No, I didn't take it to the lengths it is being seen today but my covert contempt, impatience and imagined superiority must have been hard for them to take from a former fun-loving and affectionate daughter. Ah, hindsight...
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on April 26, 2012, 01:27:20 PM
I wouldn't think the ILs would be buying gifts and clothes for the GC if they expect DS & CMeyers to pay for their expenses when they visit, so that may be a moot point. And I can see where it would get frustrating to be financing the whole kit and kaboodle but be treated with little or no gratitude.

Scoop is correct, IMHO, about your bankrolling them. Stop paying their way immediately! Stop w/the gifts already! Keep a scrapbook for the GC to have when they are old enough to choose a relationship w/you so they can see how much you've loved them and thought about them through the years. Put money in a college fund if you must. Let DS & DIL figure out how to maintain the lifestyle they now enjoy.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: lancaster lady on April 26, 2012, 03:19:21 PM
cmyers :

Could be she resents you for buying her life .
It does not however explain her bad behaviour .
You have to detach and create some space between you even though you help with the children , which she
probably resents as well .
They need to create their own life together , whether you approve or not I'm afraid .
You have to reverse the roles and think how you would feel if someone was buying your lifestyle .
This is your son's family and his responsibility .
We have to step back and wait to be invited back in , and hopefully we will be .
It's just how it is .
You have done more than enough to set them on the right road , leave the rest to them .
Most of us have to face these facts one time or another , some of our offspring do it in a kind way
some don't .
I think the toy episode was the tip of the iceberg , there's lots more beneath .
They are her children , and she's staking her claim .

I feel your heart is with those kids , but as their Mom , she comes first , we get to see them
when she says , tough but we have to go with it .
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: tryingmybest on April 26, 2012, 04:31:08 PM
You know if the descriptions of this DIL's actions are accurate our poster doesn't like her, and seriously who would?  ??? My advice is don't get angry and don't feel you are at fault, you did the best you knew to do at the time. But unless you forced your financial support on them, they took it. Sounds like they want it all on their terms , and that's not the way it works. if they have decided to cut you off then that extends to the financial support too. I would tell them you are honoring their request for space, and tell them that extends to the financial support too, it's time for them both to grow up.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Doe on April 27, 2012, 04:48:56 PM
I think your DIL has bigger problems than you know if she is getting so mad about a toy for a 5yo.  When I see adults acting like 5yos are out to get them, I see stressed adults that need a break.  Children that young don't have the capacity to take down adults, imo.

I've also been told that I can't  be a part of my son's family unless I remake myself entirely and I decided that life is too short to play that game.  I can't advise you to do that - but I got fed up with trying to figure out how to please these people and continually falling short.  My integrity finally kicked in and said, "No More". 

I think it's pretty simple - you either do what they want you to do and what ever they want you to do in the future or you don't - but it isn't easy.  Weaning myself from this son has been one on the hardest things I've ever done.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on April 28, 2012, 11:03:27 AM
I'm brand new, so I hope nobody minds if I chime in.

I'm sorry for your family troubles. You may be right that your grandchildren are as attached to you as you say, but I want to point out that just because children cry when a visitor goes home or want to go with Grandma (or any other loved one) when they see her out in public, that does not necessarily mean what you think it means. I think a lot of children cry when fun time is over and either they have to go home or their guests have to go home. I did it when I was little. Now my young daughter does it. She doesn't see her extended family out in public because they don't live around here, but if we run into our neighbor at the grocery store, she sure wants to go with her, or at least get a promise that she can go visit after we get back home. She's a very social child and loves being around someone "new". I'm saying this not to denigrate your relationship with your grandchildren but so that you will know that this kind of behavior doesn't mean that the children aren't happy at home, aren't attached to their mother, or anything like that.

Also, as a mother I can get frustrated when people give my child things without asking me first. An example so all you grandmas can see what I mean: My daughter went through a period where she became addicted to watching videos. She'd get up in the morning and want to watch something immediately, she'd want to watch for hours, etc. If limited or told no, she'd throw a tantrum that would go on and on. I dealt with it by getting rid of the videos we had and putting a temporary moratorium on buying or renting any new ones, to help break both of us of our bad video habits. Soon after, her grandmother gave her a set of six children's DVDs. They were really nice, but one of the worst things she could have chosen to give at the time. I didn't get angry and yell at her, but she asked about them later and I had to admit I'd traded them for a gift card that I used to buy picture books.

There are a lot of little things well-meaning adults want to do for children that seem so small to them but can cause such problems. It may not be a big deal to get one toy or one piece of candy from Grandma, but does Grandma know how many other adults are giving that child toys and candy? Is there something else going on that she doesn't know about? I know if you're a mother trying to keep her child healthy and well-behaved and you are surrounded by adults whose actions (however lovingly meant) undermine your efforts, you can get frustrated and blow your top over very minor things, leaving some poor soul scratching her head wondering what the heck happened.

Sounds like your problem with your family runs deeper, but I thought I'd give my two cents for other grandparents who may be confused over how gifts and sweets can cause such tension.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on April 28, 2012, 11:31:08 AM
Welcome, Vasilisa  :)

All good points, and well spoken. Glad you've chimed in!

When my own DC were young I appreciated any expression of love towards them from either side of GPs. I didn't expect the GPs to check with me over seemingly inocuous gifts such as toys or DVDs. Rifles or motorcycles definitely, lol.

Vasalisa, I'm wondering why you didn't consider putting the DVDs aside for later rather than exchanging them for something else, perhaps saving them to be watched w/ GM during a special visit? Not judging, just curious and interested in avoiding future landmines w/my (future) GC.

As a P I would never have cut anyone off or thrown a childish tantrum over a toy as CMyers DIL did.

As an aside, perhaps we older folks have forgotten our childrearing years and the challenges therein, or things were just different back in the day. IDK, sometimes I feel that some younger folks forget that we already went through what they are dealing with now. We older ones have experience in both areas, whereas new parents only have one. We have a wider perspective? Just a thought.

Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on April 28, 2012, 12:31:30 PM
Pen:  I didn't keep the DVDs because the bad video habit was mine as well as my little girl's. I tended to use videos to babysit her so I could get things done. If I'd kept them, I'd have eventually broken down and gone to get them. Why didn't I just give them to a friend for a while, I hear you ask. Good question. Answer: I wasn't thinking. And it would not have occurred me to ask MIL to keep them for watching with the LO, mainly because I wanted to encourage them to spend time together actually doing things rather than watching things. That had been a problem already.

I have pondered the big issue of grandparents giving toys and parents getting upset about it. Lots of people have this issue! Here's my take on it: I'm 39, younger than most of you, probably. When I was a kid, there was definitely a busy market aimed at children, but nothing like it is now. There are so many more toys made now, so many toys with accessories and upgrades, so many toys and clothes and other things that are being used to market TV shows and movies -- in one generation, childhood has become very materialistic. Indeed, adult life is also more materialistic, but the materialism is even more of a problem for children because, as they are going through a strongly sensory phase and also tend to have a lot of natural greed that needs to be curbed, they very quickly develop wrong attitudes about objects. There are more objects for them to develop wrong attitudes about, more different kinds of objects, and more objectionable objects than ever existed before.

There are legitimate concerns about toys these days that are probably unprecedented. Some of them promote glitzy or trashy lifestyles (Bratz dolls come to mind), some promote bad habits, like video games. Not everyone is careful about buying things that are appropriate, perhaps assuming that all the kids have that sort of thing now.

Many parents now have safety concerns with most of the toys you can buy at the store being manufactured in China -- badly put together out of poor materials. Some parents are just concerned about all the recalls; some of us have more recherche concerns and get anxious about phthylates and offgassing. Life was less chemical-saturated in the past, and anyway most parents simply did not know about those things.

An occasional toy that doesn't meet a parent's standards isn't a problem unless it is completely beyond the pale. However, grandparents are different now from what I remember: My grandparents gave all their grandchildren two modest gifts at Christmas and two or three things for birthdays, and with the exception of a rare surprise, that was it. There were a few spoiled kids, but I remember gifts from extended family being pretty low-key with most of my friends. Our grandparents were present and loving, but they just didn't spend that much money on us. It's a big contrast to my MIL, who would bring a bagful of toys over once a month, on average. When you give more, one of the problems is that by default you are just going to give more that is problematic. Adding to the problem is the fact that aunts and uncles also seem to give a lot more than they used to. Maybe that is because so many people my age and younger are delaying childbearing and they have more money to spend on other people's kids; my aunts were married and raising families of their own, so they probably weren't even interested in shopping for me beyond a Christmas present. Toys from all the relatives add up even if Grandma wasn't giving that many to begin with.

As for the grandparents having more experience, well, that's true but people do tend to get resentful when that extra experience is waved around like a flag or used as an excuse to do things that the parent doesn't approve of. In a perfect world with well-adjusted generations and clearly defined roles, grandparents would always be gracious and gentle when offering their experience, which they would only do when necessary, and their children would be mature and confident enough to take it in that same gracious spirit, and use it when it would beneficial to do so. Most of us are just awkward, though, and can be jerks when we feel embarrassed and put on the spot.

Hope this doesn't derail the thread. I am planning to start a thread with my thoughts about why MILs and DILs might have such a hard time getting along these days. 
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: lancaster lady on April 28, 2012, 12:53:24 PM
I learned that lesson early on . Do not feed gd anything without  moms ok . Also I email photos of any toys or equipment  for approval before I buy . Gets me brownie points. I still think we should be issued with instruction manuals when becoming a MIL/GP, would make life much easier.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on April 28, 2012, 01:24:08 PM
As a young P, I also was concerned about toys from China, off-gassing, etc. I also was concerned about unbridled materialism. Fortunately we didn't have a GP who brought bags of toys once a month. As an adult my DS has rebeled and become much more materialistic and status oriented. Our DIL calls us losers. Raising kids w/deeper values backfired on me big time.

I have a hunch, well more than a hunch since DIL has already predicted this, that the ILs will be the "involved, spoiling GPs" and we'll be the weird, rural, occasional GPs. And you bet, I will check before I buy any kid anything. And I'll bet the ILs will do whatever they please.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on April 28, 2012, 01:37:04 PM
Quote from: Pen on April 28, 2012, 01:24:08 PM
As a young P, I also was concerned about toys from China, off-gassing, etc. I also was concerned about unbridled materialism. Fortunately we didn't have a GP who brought bags of toys once a month. As an adult my DS has rebeled and become much more materialistic and status oriented. Our DIL calls us losers. Raising kids w/deeper values backfired on me big time.

I have a hunch, well more than a hunch since DIL has already predicted this, that the ILs will be the "involved, spoiling GPs" and we'll be the weird, rural, occasional GPs. And you bet, I will check before I buy any kid anything. And I'll bet the ILs will do whatever they please.

Hippie! Can I adopt you?

And lancaster lady, you are so right about instruction manuals, only all of us need them. If only we would all just sit down and talk to each other about what we expect and need -- but I say this as I look back with regret and see what a lousy job I did of saying to my MIL that I was unhappy and needed some changes until I had reached the breaking point.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: NewMama on April 28, 2012, 01:59:42 PM
Always ask. I can't stress that enough for multiple reasons. It may seem silly, but when you've spent an obscene amount of time thinking and re-thinking what you feel is best for your child it's infuriating when someone comes behind you, totally contradicts it and says I don't see what the big deal is. Example: we've tried very hard to feed my nearly 1 year old a healthy diet - his first 'junk food' would be his birthday cake. But our extended family (on both sides) keeps trying to feed him junk food that's usually a choking hazard. They think we're being uptight, we think we're looking out for our baby's health and safety. He also doesn't watch TV, and just about everyone doesn't understand why we think there's no need for a 11 month old to watch hours upon hours of TV.

Secondly, this is something we run into with my MIL. She has a limited budget, but always comes bearing gifts for my DS. She usually gets things on sale, which is the primary thing she looks at before whether or not it could be used. But because she doesn't ask, she tends to buy him things that are inappropriate - shorts that will only fit in the freezing cold Canadian winter, pacifiers after he stopped taking them, babyproofing supplies that don't fit our cabinets etc. We can't use them, they're not returnable, and she's spent money she probably could use elsewhere. I wish she'd ask for as much as her sake as ours. Both of our parents go overboard with him and gifts (it was insane at Christmas). He's too little to understand at the moment, but I don't want him to grow up expecting a gift every time he sees a grandparent. If I can get them to contain it to holidays/birthdays, I'll be happy.

And I do think that in time sometimes you forget some of the challenges that come with small kids. I've heard my mom complain over the years about unwanted advice from my grandmothers when we were small, but she doesn't hesitate to do it to me because in her eyes she's helping. I'm sure my nans thought they were too. My mom also talks about how we were practically the perfect babies, which my aunt has told me was soooo not true.

And just to add, as someone that had a wonderfully close relationship with my grandparents, I don't remember a single toy they bought me. I remember spending time with them, playing with them, babysitting us near daily while my mom worked when we were small, and most importantly, just being very interested in us. They supported all our activities and celebrated all our accomplishments (and they had 12 grandkids!). I recently lost both of them, and I can tell you there's no bag of toys that could've competed with just knowing they loved us.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: lancaster lady on April 28, 2012, 02:18:27 PM
Thing is , how do you explain to a loving GM that she is buying all the wrong things without offending her ?
I learnt a lot after coming to this site and listening to other DIL's .
We don't mean any harm by doing all the things we do and if you could find a way of letting us down gently it would be
much appreciated .
Saying that I spent a wonderful afternoon splashing on the beach with my GD , she had wellington boots on , I didn't  :-[
So she wants me to buy a pink pair , so I can go splashing with her .
No gifts , no expensive outing , just pure joy .
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on April 28, 2012, 02:21:59 PM
I agree with what you said, NewMom. I don't like people on limited budgets spending so much of their money on things that we will not and often cannot use, so I have tried let them know what we did and didn't want. Consequently I got the reputation in certain corners of being picky and probably ungrateful.

Oh, and junk food! According to the dentist, my DD's baby teeth just have very thin enamel and are prone to cavities. I found that out when she got three fillings at 18 months! So I am what probably seems uptight about certain foods. It really upsets me when people ignore my rules about food and give her juice, soda and candy. They aren't brushing her teeth afterward, and they're not the ones who are paying the dental bills. This is why parents get to make the rules: We are the ones who are responsible for the damage.

Now if anyone can tell me how to be clear about this without causing more pain than necessary, I'm all ears.

Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on April 28, 2012, 02:46:32 PM
You'll ROTFL at this: my DIL thinks I was cruel to limit sweets/toys/TV/ etc. when my kids were young. I'm more likely to be the concerned one while DIL & her FOO overindulge.

Hippie? Well, maybe a little when it comes to healthy living and reasonable values. I haven't ever not shaved my pits, dislike tie dye, like nice handbags and wear heels sometimes, so I don't really meet true hippie standards....but I'll adopt you anyway, Vasilisa :)
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on April 28, 2012, 02:52:55 PM
Quote from: Pen on April 28, 2012, 02:46:32 PM
You'll ROTFL at this: my DIL thinks I was cruel to limit sweets/toys/TV/ etc. when my kids were young. I'm more likely to be the concerned one while DIL & her FOO overindulge.

Hippie? Well, maybe a little when it comes to healthy living and reasonable values. I haven't ever not shaved my pits, dislike tie dye, like nice handbags and wear heels sometimes, so I don't really meet true hippie standards....but I'll adopt you anyway, Vasilisa :)

We'd get along, then -- I like to bathe and groom, but I read lists of ingredients and fuss about plastic and microwaves.

You know, since becoming a mother I am very reluctant to judge other mothers because I believe the normal ones act out of love and I assume they tried as hard as I'm trying. However, I'm also very touchy when I'm feeling judged and undermined in my mothering.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Ruth on April 28, 2012, 03:35:59 PM
This was a very informative, thought provoking thread.  I am sorry you're reached this juncture, cymers, but I hope you can see it for what it really is, a time for some really new and positive growth and a turn around for your family dynamics, i.e. healing.  Mistakes have been made on both sides, and it seems there's been a bad breach of mutual respect going on.  This is, thanks be to God, one of the few problems I haven't faced in my own family dynamics.  DS has no children, DD and I are pretty much in agreement at least on the important things regarding the care and feeding of g/c.  We both believe in paying your own way if at all possible, and I am a firm believer in DP make the rules for the DC, not me.  I always ask for DD advice on gifts for the g/c, largely because I'm clueless, but I don't have excess income to worry much about undue extravagances.  I still contribute a lot of support but more for essentials like tuition and food periodically.  Probably this 'cut off' thing has become more commonplace than I ever imagined, maybe its just a form of adult temper tantrum.  It doesn't have to be permanent, a cooling off period will help and after a time of reflection, maybe a well written letter expressing how you see things differently and how can all of you work together to be happy as a family and start over.  But it will be to be later, for now the door is not open.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on April 28, 2012, 04:14:07 PM
Have any of you seen a little gem of a movie called "Away We Go?" Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski star as a pregnant couple looking for a place to raise their child. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays an over-the-top hippie dippy new age mom (still breastfeeding a 3 yr old, etc) who freaks when the couple buys a stroller for her as a gift. She cries, "I love my babies, why would I want to push them away?? Get it out of here!!"

Don't know why I just thought of that... ;D
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on April 28, 2012, 04:24:24 PM
Well, I nursed my child till she was four and I made her stop, but I still loved the stroller -- great for picking up a few groceries, too.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on April 29, 2012, 10:39:46 AM
No offense meant, just a humorous characterization in a sweet little comedy. It's one of my faves, great ensemble cast, good writing.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: tryingmybest on April 29, 2012, 04:48:21 PM
The gift things is going to become an issue for me too, went out of my way to pick out a special Easter Basket for DGC filled with special baby stuff, toys, age appropriate, little socks, etc. it was taken with a "0h thanks " and never looked at, still sitting in the house untouched two weeks later. FOO gifts, Fussed over and made much off.I'm not even going to try and " compete", she isn't going to let me past the starting gate.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on April 29, 2012, 06:07:25 PM
So sorry to hear that. TMB. It hurts worse when we see the ILs getting the royal treatment, I think. It wouldn't bother me so much if DS/DIL treated everyone badly, lol. Spend your money @ the spa or on the horses. One of the MILs here a year or so ago went out and bought herself a convertible  ;)
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on April 29, 2012, 07:32:17 PM
It's so sad that gifts have become such a source of contention. On the one hand, there are the gifts with strings attached, the gift as veiled insult, etc. On the other hand, loving people genuinely trying to be thoughtful and getting snubbed, as above. Hurts to read about it.

Maybe we should be like the ancient Greeks in the epics and start just giving each other golden tripods and things. How can anyone say no to a golden tripod?
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pooh on April 30, 2012, 09:56:47 AM
Ok, am I the only one here that has a problem that DIL is throwing herself out of moving vehicles and hitchhiking, with the baby, with strangers and the advice is that the GP's should not give kids toys?

Sorry, but I played with GI Joe (didn't make me join the militia), ate mud pies (had to be more harmful bacteria in that if you stuck it under a microscope), owned at least 5 water guns and cap guns (I haven't made America's most wanted yet) and every toy I had, had sharp edges and small parts. 

I know what you guys are saying and if there are specific wishes by the parents as to toys, then they should be followed.  But she said she didn't know or didn't hear them say anything about the toy beforehand.  I'm more concerned with that DIL is hitchhiking with the baby, with strangers and that is more concerning than any type of toy.  Forgive me, but I can't wrap around that DIL/DS is concerned with lead-based paint if placing baby in a dangerous situation with strangers isn't concerning them.

The best part of my grandparents, both sides, was knowing we would get ice-cream, candy and treats, and get to do things our parents wouldn't allow at home (jumping on the big feather bed).  They wouldn't have asked before doing so because that was the whole point.  Mom just shook her head and expected it and when she became the GM, did the same thing.

Stop the money train now.  They should be paying their own way.  It bothers me that you are funding most everything but yet she is still taking so many trips.  If they can afford her trips, they can afford the mortgage.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on April 30, 2012, 10:58:35 AM
Quote from: Pooh on April 30, 2012, 09:56:47 AM
Ok, am I the only one here that has a problem that DIL is throwing herself out of moving vehicles and hitchhiking, with the baby, with strangers and the advice is that the GP's should not give kids toys?

Sorry, but I played with GI Joe (didn't make me join the militia), ate mud pies (had to be more harmful bacteria in that if you stuck it under a microscope), owned at least 5 water guns and cap guns (I haven't made America's most wanted yet) and every toy I had, had sharp edges and small parts. 

I know what you guys are saying and if there are specific wishes by the parents as to toys, then they should be followed.  But she said she didn't know or didn't hear them say anything about the toy beforehand.  I'm more concerned with that DIL is hitchhiking with the baby, with strangers and that is more concerning than any type of toy.  Forgive me, but I can't wrap around that DIL/DS is concerned with lead-based paint if placing baby in a dangerous situation with strangers isn't concerning them.

The best part of my grandparents, both sides, was knowing we would get ice-cream, candy and treats, and get to do things our parents wouldn't allow at home (jumping on the big feather bed).  They wouldn't have asked before doing so because that was the whole point.  Mom just shook her head and expected it and when she became the GM, did the same thing.

Stop the money train now.  They should be paying their own way.  It bothers me that you are funding most everything but yet she is still taking so many trips.  If they can afford her trips, they can afford the mortgage.

We got off on a tangent about toys, which is a more common problem than hitchhiking, etc. Yeah, she probably isn't too worried about lead-based paint.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: forever spring on May 01, 2012, 04:39:14 AM
Quote from: Pen on April 28, 2012, 01:24:08 PM
A we'll be the weird, rural, occasional GPs. And you bet, I will check before I buy any kid anything. And I'll bet the ILs will do whatever they please.

Not weird at all. I'm beginning to wonder about our role as rural - in a wider sense -, and occasional GPs, Pen.
Most of us here with DS and the ensuing FOO/DIL problems are in a phase where GKs are small. We should not give up hope that in years to come the 'occasional GPs, -us! will come into our own and be very much cherished for the 'other' stuff we can give. We never know how times and values will change.
I for myself hope I'll still be around to be a significant person in GKs life, when they are ready for it. This doesn't mean that I want to compete with FOO GPs in the future, they'll always have their place.
I just feel it in my gut that I shouldn't be too sad at this point in time when my relationship with the GKs is on hold and jeopardised. There is a time for everything - and our time is still come!
Remember 'Everything's not lost!' (My favourite Coldplay song by the way.)
We must hold on to this hope!
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on May 01, 2012, 09:12:08 AM
Pooh, love the walk down memory lane. I was an outdoors girl, ran through the hills playing guns & mudpies, snuck into the reservoir, collected various rocks, plants & critters and put them in my pockets (laundry day must have been fun for mom) etc. etc. Still do, lol. I think that's what DIL is afraid of!
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on May 01, 2012, 10:41:10 AM
Quote from: Pen on May 01, 2012, 09:12:08 AM
Pooh, love the walk down memory lane. I was an outdoors girl, ran through the hills playing guns & mudpies, snuck into the reservoir, collected various rocks, plants & critters and put them in my pockets (laundry day must have been fun for mom) etc. etc. Still do, lol. I think that's what DIL is afraid of!

You sound like my mother's paternal grandma, and she was Mum's and my aunts' favorite! Hope DIL gets over it because the kids would have fun with you.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pooh on May 01, 2012, 11:49:12 AM
Me too Pen.  I can't tell you how many times I stepped on glass or got a crawdad stuck on my toe playing in the creeks without shoes.  I guess as I get older, I will be known as "eccentric!"  Me and DH spend $10 two days ago on Nerf pistols.  It's been war in the house since!  He cheats though.  ;D
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pen on May 01, 2012, 03:17:11 PM
Too cool! I'll have to get some to pull out the next time we're graced w/ a visit :D
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: pam1 on May 02, 2012, 11:32:11 AM
Pooh, I'm inclined to agree with you.  In a DIL role I don't always understand the rules about buying for children, I was brought up to just say thank you and express appreciation for the gift.  As a parent this is what I have taught too.  I don't give rules for what to buy DD and frankly, being asked her likes/dislikes I start to wonder if the person even knows my DD well enough to buy her a gift.  I understand some people do that just to make sure but just simply put, it annoys me.

The rules and gift-giving have gotten out of hand, IMO.  I will say that if I know something, like the Mom won't let the kid play with Barbies, I won't buy a Barbie.  But if it was one massively long list of what can and can't be bought or a wish list, I'm likely to just give a gift card at that point. 

What used to be fun can start to be painful and that's when I stop.  With all that said, I did ask my in laws to limit the gifts or may be try experience gifts.  Because our house runs out of room and the time it takes to actually open all these gifts dominate the holidays and begins a competition with the other grandparents, who aren't willing to compete but are hurt just the same.  I also feel it is socially irresponsible to let a child grow up this way.  I won't make a rule list about what she can or can't have, if I find it to be so inappropriate, I'll take it away but I can't even think of a time I did that.

I think I'm reasonable about this and still wasn't respected.  I can't imagine the long lists of what junior can/can't have and how they go over with other people but to each their own.  And I'm sure those type of parents think they are being reasonable also.  I tend to think it's one of those things that if the negatives outweigh the positives, time to change some things up.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on May 02, 2012, 12:15:28 PM
Pam1, that is why I am in favor of gift cards. I've never known anyone who wasn't happy to get an Amazon gift card.

I understand what you're saying about being gracious and thanking people for the gifts without making lists of what they can and can't buy, but you have also pointed out problems that come even when you are open like that. I think it just isn't the same as it used to be when I was growing up (and maybe when you were, too). There were fewer toys, fewer outrageous and poorly made items, and most people weren't as extravagant. It would be nice if I as a parent didn't have to have strict rules about gifts and could just assume everyone would be reasonable, but I can't.

I've also noticed, however, that I get more annoyed with people for buying too much and getting inappropriate gifts if we don't have a good relationship to begin with. If I know someone cares about me and my child, gifting gone wrong is small potatoes.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: NewMama on May 02, 2012, 02:17:20 PM
I think it's important to ask, but if someone gives us or DS something that we can't use/is inappropriate/he won't play with we don't make a big stink about it either. We still say thank you, try to say something positive about the gift and leave it at that. In my head I might be thinking "Great, ANOTHER teddy bear he won't play with that's going to sit on a shelf collecting dust" but I don't say that out loud. I just put it away, and in time they're all going in a bag to be donated.

I have been given gifts that clearly say "Choking Hazard. Not for children under 3" for my almost 12 month old son. If I say he can't play with that, I'm ungrateful. So you get stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have to store all this stuff he can't/won't play with or wear, but look like an uptight new mom if I say anything. The other thing is, I get asked "Where is the ____ that I bought him?" so I have to keep it. My MIL still goes on about the pacifiers she bought him 6 months ago that he won't take. A simple "Do you think it's a good idea to keep some pacifiers at my house for him?" could've given me the chance to say "He won't take them anymore, thanks but it's not necessary". Instead 6 months later I still get grilled about what I did to make him give them up - which was nothing, he found his fingers and likes them better - and bemoaning that she spent money on them. Did she learn anything? Nope. Still does the same thing.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: lancaster lady on May 02, 2012, 02:43:50 PM
Well as I said before I always ask , for instance .....my DS is moving house , again , to one with a big garden for my Gd to
play in .
I am pleased because everything I bought for my GD for the garden eg. sandpit , paddling pool , bike etc resides in her other
GM's garden as their own garden is too small after moving previously .
So I thought as a treat I would buy her a playhouse and emailed a photo of one I had spied .
Oh no ...my DS said , there is no way I am placing that pink thing in my garden , it's too pink !
So imagine me sending it only for them to be horrified.
So I will settle on the one of their choosing , I don't really mind , as they have to see it everyday in the garden ......
wonder if they like purple ????   lol
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on May 02, 2012, 04:49:12 PM
Gracious, isn't anything brown anymore? I am so sick of purple and pink and nearly everything for girls is!

(Although a playhouse in any color would be so much fun for a little girl ...)
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: pam1 on May 02, 2012, 05:21:11 PM
NewMomma and Valisia, I understand what you're both saying.  I've been struggling with this one for years and finally did a little detaching.  Now I don't care so much if they think I'm ungrateful or what have you.  For me, the holidays and being with family are more important and I'm going to concentrate on that.  I've said my piece, I've made it clear, it's not respected....well, that's their choice. 

This is where etiquette columns come in really useful for me, I say the same thing over and over again when the grilling or questioning starts.  Usually a pat and no response needed answer.  "No room in the house" is a favorite of mine lol. 
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: elsieshaye on May 03, 2012, 03:20:25 PM
Quote from: NewMama on May 02, 2012, 02:17:20 PM<snip> I have to store all this stuff <snip> "Where is the ____ that I bought him?" so I have to keep it.

Um, no.  No you don't have to keep it or store it. Once someone gives you a gift, it's yours to do with as you please, and if they try to say otherwise, they're being extremely rude.  Sorry, but "I have to" pushes a button with me.  It really means "I feel pressured to" or "I feel obligated to" or " I feel like a bad person if I don't."  It doesn't literally mean that I -HAVE- to do something, and I find for myself that phrasing things that way robs me of a chance to really examine why I feel the pressure and obligation and what's going on.  It's actually much more validating and strengthening to say to myself "I am choosing to keep this thing that I don't want because I don't want to be criticized / to be the bad guy / to make anyone mad."  If I identify why I'm really doing something, I may choose to keep doing it, but it allows me to maybe choose differently.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: pam1 on May 03, 2012, 05:31:15 PM
Quote from: elsieshaye on May 03, 2012, 03:20:25 PM
Quote from: NewMama on May 02, 2012, 02:17:20 PM<snip> I have to store all this stuff <snip> "Where is the ____ that I bought him?" so I have to keep it.

Um, no.  No you don't have to keep it or store it. Once someone gives you a gift, it's yours to do with as you please, and if they try to say otherwise, they're being extremely rude.  Sorry, but "I have to" pushes a button with me.  It really means "I feel pressured to" or "I feel obligated to" or " I feel like a bad person if I don't."  It doesn't literally mean that I -HAVE- to do something, and I find for myself that phrasing things that way robs me of a chance to really examine why I feel the pressure and obligation and what's going on.  It's actually much more validating and strengthening to say to myself "I am choosing to keep this thing that I don't want because I don't want to be criticized / to be the bad guy / to make anyone mad."  If I identify why I'm really doing something, I may choose to keep doing it, but it allows me to maybe choose differently.

Good point, it's not rude to not store items or deal with gifts how you see fit.  I mean, barring ripping it to shreds or other obvious rude behavior. 
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on May 03, 2012, 05:43:45 PM
My MIL had the habit of telling her DILs (and maybe other people, I don't know) that they "needed" to keep a gift because it was expensive. I really resent it when people give me something and then talk about how much it cost, whether it was cheap or expensive. That makes the gift lose all value for me because I feel as though they're telling me exactly how much I'm worth in monetary terms, either telling me I'm not worth much if the item was a bargain or complaining that it cost too much and I'm not really worth it.

In my opinion, that's giving with strings attached. The only good reason to give a gift is because you want to give pleasure to that person. You can't expect anything, including gratitude or appreciation. Which is not to say that decent people won't appreciate or shouldn't show gratitude for gifts given in this spirit, but the giver cannot expect it.

Of course, if you repeatedly give gifts and the person who recieves them isn't thankful and/or doesn't use the gifts, there's nothing wrong with deciding that you will stop giving to that person and spend your time and effort on someone who will appreciate it.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: pam1 on May 03, 2012, 05:57:04 PM
Oh gosh, Vasilia, I know exactly what you mean!  My MIL did the same.exact.thing with gifts too and it drove me *nuts* for a long time.  I probably have several dozen posts on here about her gift giving behavior and how much it bothered me. 

It occurred to (not very long ago btw) that it really had nothing to do with me, this was her behavior.  This was her rudeness, this was her choosing to cross explicitly stated boundaries.  I could choose to let this bother me or take action.  DH and I spoke so many times over the years about this and the last time we set our boundaries and stuck to them.  We don't do gift exchanges with them.  Stopped cold.  She was told and told why, and really since we talked so much over the years how we would like to compromise etc, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to her, but somehow it still did.

If there wasn't DD involved it's likely that I would have just ignored her, but I felt strongly enough that this was not something I wanted DD growing up with.

What I'm taking a long time to say is that, in my experience, this is something you've got to choose whether it's a hill to die on or something to let go of.  You're not going to change her, you're not going to change her comments, what she buys etc.  You know how she is and you know what bothers you.  You have more options than just doing the same thing over and over with her and getting bothered by it.  You can choose to let it go, stop the gifts etc. 
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: NewMama on May 04, 2012, 08:13:02 AM
Elsie and Pam, I see where you're coming from. I think I feel compelled to keep the gifts because I'm having such a hard time with MIL lately, and if she finds out that I got rid of them it will make it worse. She has good intentions, like buying pacifiers for our visits to her house or the babyproofing supplies, so I feel guilty. My MIL is the opposite of Vasilisa/Pam's - she'll criticize others for spending money on gifts for my DS and play up that she got something on sale/second hand (which I don't care about, and I wouldn't want to hear if it was super expensive either). His favorite toy up until recently was not cheap, but it was his favorite and made him stop crying (worth it's weight in GOLD to me). I heard about that for months. I don't want to know how much money anyone spends on us, and I don't want anyone to do things they can't afford to either. Just come and visit the kid, he doesn't need anything fancy!
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on May 04, 2012, 08:31:45 AM
Quote from: NewMama on May 04, 2012, 08:13:02 AM
Elsie and Pam, I see where you're coming from. I think I feel compelled to keep the gifts because I'm having such a hard time with MIL lately, and if she finds out that I got rid of them it will make it worse. She has good intentions, like buying pacifiers for our visits to her house or the babyproofing supplies, so I feel guilty. My MIL is the opposite of Vasilisa/Pam's - she'll criticize others for spending money on gifts for my DS and play up that she got something on sale/second hand (which I don't care about, and I wouldn't want to hear if it was super expensive either). His favorite toy up until recently was not cheap, but it was his favorite and made him stop crying (worth it's weight in GOLD to me). I heard about that for months. I don't want to know how much money anyone spends on us, and I don't want anyone to do things they can't afford to either. Just come and visit the kid, he doesn't need anything fancy!

My MIL IS like this. The first time she gave me a Christmas gift, she told me as I was unwrapping it that she never pays full price for anything. It is precisely because she is so into sales and thrift stores (which is fine, nearly everything I own from furniture to shoes I bought used) that she is very aware of how much things cost; if she pays more than $10-20 for something, it is "expensive" and I must keep it. She even told me that I needed to keep a baby gift her daughter gave us because it was expensive ... and yes, she is somewhat critical of/astonished by people who spend money differently, but that doesn't come up much.

Anytime someone places an emphasis on how much the gift cost, whether she's crowing over getting a good bargain, knocking other people for spending too much or too little, or making sure you know her gift was expensive, that puts the focus on money rather than affection, care, and thoughtfulness. Nobody wants that. It really IS the thought the counts, and some people are only thinking about how much money they can save while scratching you off their shopping list, or how self-sacrificing they are for running up a big bill for you at Dollar Tree.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Pooh on May 04, 2012, 12:48:02 PM
I agree with everything you guys are saying and I have been on the other end of that too.  I've given a nice gift to my DIL only to have her wrinkle her nose and say, "Oh, an IPOD.  I wanted the bigger 8g not the 4g."  After I had searched everywhere for the pink one, because her words were "I will die if it's not pink."  Well guess what Missy?  That's what you got.  Lol.

I do get it.  I always say thank you and then decide later what to do with it if I can't use it.  Same thing with the kids.  My MIL would always buy age inappropriate toys.  She had good taste, just would be about 2-3 years ahead.  So I would hide them away and she would ask about them.  I told her the truth.  "They aren't quite big enough for it yet, so I put it up until then."  She didn't like it, and griped, but I couldn't help that.  Some of the things she would buy at Christmas that were age appropriate, but I just didn't have room (she went overboard), I would say, "Can we leave some of the toys here so they will have something to play with?"  She loved that and I didn't have to figure out what to do with it.  I noticed after a few years of that, she didn't buy as much, as she was running out of room too!
 
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: constantmargaret on May 04, 2012, 03:43:35 PM
When my son was born my mom bought him a bugs bunny sweatsuit for Christmas. Nine months later she gave him the same outfit in a bigger size. 3 months later I bumped into her in the store with yet another bugs bunny sweatsuit under her arm. I asked her who it was for and she said it was for my son for Christmas. I said, "Mom, you've already given him that outfit twice!"

She looked mortified and said, "I did?"

We laughed so hard in the store about that and when she finally stopped laughing she said, "Oh well, at least I'm consistent!"

I bet if what happened between my mother and me happened between some MIL/DILs, somehow it wouldn't be so funny.
Title: Re: Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies
Post by: Vasilisa on May 04, 2012, 06:12:10 PM
I guess she really, REALLY liked that Bugs Bunny outfit. I hope you did, too, since you had to see it for so long.