Another Mother's Day is here and my, how things have improved since I first found this wonderful site!
Are my AC more attentive, more loving, more giving than before? Heck no! However, I've changed my expectations and my attitude. Does it still hurt to have AC who don't dote over me? Heck yeah! But because I've changed my attitude by using what I've learned here, it doesn't bring me to my knees anymore. Do I still resent DS spending precious time & resources on his MIL (DIL & her FOO have become the main event) while I am lucky to get a quick call (or at most a quick visit) once every few of months or so? And never on Mother's Day? Oh, yes...I'm not going to lie, it still causes a bit of hurt and resentment.
BUT, the good news for those of you who are new here and still raw and reeling from their AC's uncaring actions, is that it gets better. It takes time and it takes some hard work, but one day you'll wake up w/o that achy, despairing feeling and you'll know you've turned the corner.
Because of the support and wisdom I gained here, I decided to take better care of myself. So taking Pooh's lead, I started watching what I ate and exercising. As I lost weight & gained fitness, that lead to more confidence and the ability to join DH in some sports activities that I'd been too insecure to participate in. We then found our relationship rekindled (after years of putting it aside unconsciously due to child rearing, work stress, etc.) which lead to planning our own activities instead of basing all our celebrations and vacations around what the AC might deign to share with us. I am secure in the knowledge that I have always been, and continue to be, a caring, loving, good mom. I made mistakes, said awkward things at times, but never wavered in my love of and commitment to my kids and their needs.
No, it's not what I'd envisioned when we decided to have kids. It's not easy to have co-workers and friends ask how my Mother's Day (or any holiday for that matter) was and then have to listen to all their stories of a wonderful day spent in the loving company of adoring AC & their spouses. However, it's waaaayy better than it was when I arrived on Luise's virtual doorstep years ago, full of sadness, confusion, rage, pain and a deep sense of loss.
As they say in recovery circles, "it works if you work it." This year I've requested a day at the beach & a lovely picnic instead of waiting to see what someone else will plan. AC will be invited to join, but DH & I will have a blast whether they are there or not. Here's to finding our way to a special Mother's Day, however we choose to spend it!
Pen - What a lovely, inspiring post. Thank you! Watching you work through this has been awesome! Also, thank you for your faithful, volunteer work as one of our Moderators!
To All: I launched WWU on Mother's Day of 2009, so we've been going strong for a half a decade! My motivation came from my counseling Website, launched on Mother's Day of 2005. What I learned there was that the question most asked, worldwide, was how to cope with adult children and extended families. I felt it deserved a forum venue. Hugs...
What a great post Pen! I too came here angry and bitter. I echo everything you said and I am a much better person because of everyone here sharing their stories, heartaches and triumphs.
I too...... love your post Pen. I have also come a very long way from the way i was feeling when I first came here 2 and half years ago already have gone by.
I don't think I could have kept my sanity without all of you giving me courage and strength to move on. Mothers Day
was always especially hard but I am getting better and learning to cope.
Thank you all and enjoy your day.
It was suggested that I read what you wrote. I don't know what mother's day will hold (tomorrow). Thank God I have my daughter visiting from out of town. Hope to see ds and family. Not holding my breath. Well, yes I am. I think he will show, we've always had a very strong bond,hopefully, that will continue. Really miss the grandbaby:(
I found this sight because I was looking for answers/help/support. Hope I find something here for me. Any comments on my post, "not sure what happened", are welcome.
Thanks everyone, and I hope you all have the best mother's day possible.
Penn, I love your post too!!
I can still remember the day I stumbled on this site. I was wretched and despairing that there would ever be any improvement. I was trying everything in an effort to stay a part of my DS's life and the harder I tried the more he pulled away. Meanwhile my DIL looked for things to take in the worst possible light and I would hear from sources that I called her names I never called her and so on.....
Then there was the day I read something here and I wish I could remember exactly who said it and exactly what they said, but suddenly things changed. I finally realized that although the cause for my pain was legitimate, it was (and is) up to me to control how much pain I was in. I could either stay in the mire of self pity I was stuck in or I could climb out of the pit. I never have been a martyr and I am not about to start now. I started looking at the things in my life that were (and are) good!! When things got me down I reminded myself that I have another son who is wonderful and I am fortunate enough to have an incredible husband and both of them deserve to have a happy mother/spouse. I started focusing on things that made me happy and putting the situation with my DS/DIL out of my mind.
Since then my life has really improved! This morning my younger son asked me what I wanted from him for tomorrow. My DH and I have made plans and if my older son contacts me today or tomorrow I will invite him to come along but he won't because my DIL is scared of canoes and the water. It will be a marvelous day on an uninhabited barrier island........ I can't wait!
Excellent post. Inspiring and motivating Thank you! :-*
My specific circumstances were not the same, Pen, but my experience was. I think that's the glue that holds us together here...we learn that our circumstances are very personal but/and that our paths through them are very similar. It's a kind of sisterhood-survival thing, maybe. Love to all!
Wonderful post, Pen, I'm so happy to be part of the sisterhood here.
CP
Great words, Pen! It has been a long time since I visited here, but Mother's Day reminded me of this wonderful site, the encouragement and understanding of the members here gave me the strength to stay on course and find my way after being estranged from those I love. We do heal! Thank you all, again, for being here.
Wonderful to hear from you, M! Sending love...
Pen, thank you so much you are speaking my words and feelings. This site has helped me so much. I just returned from some time in Chicago with my mother in her last days and my sisters and brothers and I buried her at 86 on April 10. My DS came to Chicago to be with me and to act as a pallbearer and was my support. My 3 DD's still continue to be cold and aloof toward me after 5 years being divorced from their Dad. He is ruining his health due to the habits that ruined our marriage and they feel sorry for him. I never imagined I'd wake up again without the terrible ache of those girls' rejection. I take my life one day at a time. I learned that here. I am finding the thought that my mom is no longer in this world very difficult but I know time will heal and I find myself wondering if mine will even care when I die. But I pull myself back from dark thoughts easier since I found help with all of you. Tomorrow is my 63rd birthday as well as Mother's Day and I'm spending the day with my DS. Happy Mother's Day to all of you. Love and prayers to you all.
DM, my condolences. I'm glad your DS could be with you during that tough time.
Happy birthday & Happy Mother's Day to you :)
Happy Mother's Day to all of us!
Happy Mother's Day, everyone! I have named myself Happy Mom because I am still the same happy person I was before, just with this additional sad space. I'm still happy with my husband and other daughter and with my life and my blessings in it. If I didn't have the other daughter or even the husband, I would still have enough blessings that I would hope I would still be happy and fulfilled.
When I told my husband I was registering on this site, and my chosen name, he suggested I name myself "All That Work for Nothin' Mom" instead. Haha! You see why he is one of my blessings.
I'll tell my story in another post, but I wanted to report my first Mother's Day without my older daughter. Younger daughter and husband and I ate out, then came home for gifts they gave me - owl wind chimes and a candle/oil drops essence dealie, plus flowers and candy. And lovely, meaningful cards. They are totally wonderful, aren't they.
My guiding principle, though, is even if I didn't have them, even if I were all alone in the world, I would still have myself, and being alive as myself is a pretty happy thing right there, isn't it?
So it was a wonderful Mother's Day - just with that sad space. My younger daughter had a hard time with this (as she has throughout). She was disappointed and rather disgusted, I think, that older daughter ignored it, and she (younger daughter) told me she was sorry. I told her I appreciated that. So the three of us all have that sad space, but we still have ourselves, and our love for one another.
Every mother can celebrate Mother's Day, in my view, regardless of estrangement or even, heaven forbid, the son or daughter has died. Because we were and are mothers, and good ones (or good enough ones, as one expert put it), which no one can take away. It is our accomplishment, and we get to celebrate that, even if we are celebrating it alone. We all wear that badge of honor. It doesn't take others, and certainly not specific others, to agree in order for that to be a true fact.
Welcome, H - We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Web-site.
My take is that you're right and much can be solved by looking at our blessings without denying the fact that life isn't perfect and never will be. Hugs...
Thank you, Luise! I did read those posts first (I knew to).
I gave myself a name to try to live up to, rather than one to try to crawl out of!
Oh, I like that idea, H.! :D (And good for you for finding what we put there for you.)
I felt I needed to use my own name here, since it is my Website. I guess if I'd selected one...it might have been 'NotDoneYet', since I am 87 years young. 8)
Oh i thank for your post. I got a text msg today from OD, no call from YD and an obligatory call from DD3. I drove 120 miles to be with my son who took me to lunch and gave me a book by my favorite author. No sweet cards from anyone (today is also my birthday) but who knows maybe in the mail. No expectations a lesson i learned. I love your husbands suggestion it does feel like all that work for nothing:-) Its how it feels. Your words comforted me tonight thank you.
I too have changed my approach to Mothers Day, and other Holidays for that matter, since joining here. I make my own plans. This year DH and I rode up to our other house in the country, visited an asparagus farm, picked some fresh rubarb out of our yard for strawberry rubarb pies, checked out our plum, peach and apple trees. I made a nice dinner for DH and I and we enjoyed a weekend in the country. I didn't give DS a thought. But guess what. He called me on Friday to say he wanted to visit me on Saturday with the kids. Too late, kido... Mom had other plans and was out of town. He best learn to call a little farther in advance if he wants to see me. And that is the attitude I have been taking. If he wants to see me, and wants me to see his kids, he has to realize I just may have made other plans. Four years ago, I'd have been waiting by the phone for him to decide to call and tell me he was going to see me. To heck with that! He did post a very lovely poem on my FB page yesterday, praising me and all that I have done for him. That was sweet. I don't have daughters to fill in the gaps... I have to make my own Mothers Day special... cuz ya know what? I am, at least DH thinks so.. and I have always valued his opinion! lol!!
Welcome, HM!I love your post and totally agree - we know we were at least "good enough" mothers and if no one else is honoring us we can honor ourselves. We spend many decades of our lives parenting, and if we allow those years to be dismissed we're losing a big chunk of our lives. I have fond memories of those years, even the tough ones, and I know I gave parenting my all.
My MDay plans went through a few changes before I settled on simply staying home and working in the garden. I didn't want to spend 4+ hours on the road for a 1 hour lunch w/DS, DD & DH (DIL wasn't available.) DS was too busy to make the drive to us. He did call & we had a lovely little convo which made my day. DD & I finished a cut & tie blanket for her bed, and DH & I planted our veg boxes.
It would have been nice to have been treated to a day w/o cooking or other household chores (DH always says "You're not MY mom") and I would have loved to have been gifted with a spa day, flowers, concert tix or jewelry, but I've learned not to expect those things. I can take myself to the spa or buy myself flowers another day. I loved working w/my DDD and seeing her joy when she completed her blanket. :)
What a win, Pen! :) My son spent 17 Mothers' Days in Hawaii. The last two, after they moved back to WA, were with me. Something I'm never going to take for granted again! I'm sure they moved back two years ago because I hit 85 and stopped driving but they won't admit to that. (Sweet...)
I think that's great, Lilly! Because OD, 27, is married (6 years) and YD, 24, isn't, our holiday plans have always been that YD gets with OD to arrange the date. Not only is there his family to consider (who I always gave first dibs to, though they dont always celebrate holidays, depending on how dysfunctional they're being at the time), but in the past three years, he has had a job with an ever-changing schedule that can include nights.
This has been practical, and has always been fine with YD. YD also likes to see us, with a boyfriend, maybe, on Christmas day also, if we have all gotten together the day before. Everyone lives in the same city.
We have always celebrated Chistmas, Thanksgiving, 3 birthdays (two of them are celebrated combined), and MD and FD. I've never been particular at all about the exact date we celebrate these, except for Christmas, which the rest of us want to have on Christmas or the day before - morning, afternoon, evening, doesn't matter. We don't do as many get-togethers as when my mother was alive, who liked doing Easter, etc., as well. Some might think that's still too many, though.
Well, I think we created a monster by always scheduling everything around OD and SIL's needs and desires, because in the past few years, she has increasingly acted as if it is a total burden to be with us at all. I remember once we had her birthday dinner a month after the fact! (They are not really that busy.) That didn't upset any of us; I just mention it as an example. And in the past two years, she has focused on some little imagined thing at two of these events to get upset over, which threatened to ruin things, that I had to smooth over.
The height of all this was this past Christmas, when the dates she submitted for celebrating with us were something like December 14 and January 12! I said that was ridiculous, and eventually they saw their way clear to scheduling us for Christmas Eve morning. Because the rest of us just were not going to do that. That meant the dinner I usually make everyone was out, but we had a very nice brunch instead.
(The best ever was one we had on Christmas Eve, because that gave me much more time to prepare and enjoy the fabulous dinner, THEN relax and do gifts! Imagine doing things in the way that's best for mom!)
I was honestly getting to the point where I was considering putting the three of us first, for a change, despite SIL's changing schedule, and offering them a choice of two or three dates we decide on - pick one, and if you can't make it, we'll do it without you.
So like I said, created a monster. That won't be a problem anymore, though, should they ever come around again, I can tell you that.
I want to share with you how I had the best Mother's Day in years. I found out about a location nearby that had a lovely park. I went, enjoyed the sunshine, talked to the people with small babies, and did whatever I wanted to do. I treated myself to a large pizza on the way home and worked on a big project that I love to do. It was close to midnight when I was finished working and I realized that I had a lot of fun on this particular Mother's Day. No gifts from anyone, just the gift to myself of 24 hours to do exactly and precisely what I wanted to do.
The flower sellers, jewelry merchants and gift shops probably love Mother's Day in the same way they love Christmas shoppers. I say we "Take Back Mother's Day".......and start a movement to go to parks or shelters where homeless families are found. Give them the gifts you didn't get, the flowers you wish you had received. While Mother's Day has always been a day for the kids to remember their Moms, I think we should transform it into a day where we take the nurturing, affection and whatever we can afford to improve the lives of some children (and their parents, there is nothing worse than not being able to give your children what they need or want). I wish I had thought of it yesterday, so today I'm off to make a donation to my local shelter that cares for the Homeless.
Don't dwell on what isn't in your life, make a difference in the life of someone else's children.
CP
P.S. We did sometimes have these get-togethers without SIL, except for Christmas, which I couldn't imagine without him, and told them so. The last get-together we had was in January (my birthday and YD birthday), and I just assumed he would be working or something, but he showed up, and I was so happy!
Love your positive post Happy Mom.....It is uplifting to hear....I have myself been having a very hard sad hurtful
mothers day...I don't know why.....This is the third mothers day that I have not heard from OD and it really cuts like a knife....I wish this feeling would just go away already...
I know I have to busy myself with something else and forget about this and move on.
I hope by next mothers day I can have your attitude and be happy with all the good in my life, my wonderful DH and DS and DIL who still love me and I'm very grateful for that. I know I have to hold onto that tight. And I will.
I'm not defined by one person's view of me, I was a "good enough mother" and I can be happy and we all can have a good life. It's up to us isn't it?
D - My view is we never 'forget about it'...but we can learn to focus elsewhere. I got stuck in the injustice way too long and didn't move as on quickly as some of the others here. I think we may all have our own pace. Sending hugs...
Yes Luise so true.... Guess i'm a slow one at getting to that better place I need to be. I am learning and this site has been so wonderful for helping me see that I will get there eventually.. Thanks to you and your wonderful caring son
I don't want to make it sound like I'm not miserable about the situation with my OD, cause I am. The pain is acute at times - like you say, a stabbing sometimes. And the next MD could be even worse somehow! I told my younger daughter maybe next MD might be better, and she said, I doubt it. This situation has only come to a head two months ago or so, so I'm really a newbie with it.
I worked hard to get past the shock. (That felled me for a week.) Then to get to acceptance, which i think I've done a pretty good job of so far. I looked up various forums, and found books about estrangement - misery loves company, ya know! Then I discovered this forum, and spent the last several weeks devouring as much of it as I could. It has been very helpful. Mother's Day seemed like a good time to hop in.
Getting stuck in the injustice - i know the feeling. When it's unjust, it just is. But nothing you can do about that, so . . .
Having good holidays is certainly not about wishing it was different, and still feeling the pangs. It's about not letting it ruin your holidays, or any day for that matter.
I came to think about losing the relationship with my OS like a death of someone you love. I lost my Grandmother years ago, and in the beginning, I was miserable. I thought about her constantly and holidays were horrible because I missed her so much. I didn't want to celebrate holidays because she wasn't there. I could cry at the drop of a hat just because I was eating something she used to love. In time, the pain got less and I was able to realize that although I would always think about her and wish she was there, it wasn't consuming my thoughts constantly and I was missing out celebrating all the good that comes along with them and life.
That's seriously how I think of OS now. It has gotten easier with time to let go and move forward. Doesn't mean there are not times that I go, "Wow, I wish he was here for this....or wow, I wish I could tell him about this." It just doesn't hurt as bad as it used to, and once I've thought it now I can go, "Well, yes, that would be nice, but that's not what is going to happen." It no longer consumes me and I took my Holidays back, I took my days back, I took my nights back.....I took my life back.
You can't control their choices, but you can control yours.
Oh Luise yes the injustice. My daughter callef me incompetent and unloving and i know that's untrue. She was a rude and unruly teenager and my x let me take the fall with the situation. She's still resentful but now im Grad school. I did that. I've lost her but i saved her.
Cranky, we r sisters from a different mister! I'm so glad you had a great MD! :) Pooh, we too! Take back the holiday and take back your life while you're at it!
I finally got a life and it almost got taken away and then to recover only to be tied again into a family web going back eons before I was born? NOT!
Here is a toast to your new and improved life! Make it GRAND! I am trying that for myself too!
Dear Dedicated,
maybe you also saved her ....for later. I hope we all live good and long lives so it occurs to me that time could be our friend in these situations. She may have some more growing to do and who knows what's next for either of you? Look back 10 years or even 5? Now flash forward 10, 15 or more?
I agree that we could be gone in a second so we shouldn't waste a single moment and that is why it is so important to take this time out to focus on you.
Thank you. Footloose I hope for a better future
Footloose, it's not as if I haven't grieved for the loss of the relationship with my son, it felt as if someone had cut out my heart in the early days, weeks and months since the cutoff. It's been a few years, and this year I had a really good time, for a change. Yes, we do have to take back as much as we can, whenever we can, however we can. I know I'm not getting any younger and I need to make the best of all the days I have left.
I also intend to have a great Christmas.......yes, I know it's a bit of a ways away, but I'm going to plan something that takes me away from the Christmas carols and smiling families that reminds me that I'm not one of them. As the Girl Guides used to say "Be Prepared".
Kudos to you too, Footloose,
CP