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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Peggie on September 30, 2011, 10:14:19 PM

Title: Help with MIL
Post by: Peggie on September 30, 2011, 10:14:19 PM
Hi I am Peggie and I was after some advice regarding my MIL.  I know this is a site for DIL problems so I hope you don't mind me posting here. I would love a MIL's perspective.  I have been married about 5 years and from the beginning I seem to butt heads with my MIL.  I never had a problem with her until I was married and then all these issues seem to evolve.  It took me by surprise because I never thought there would be any issues with her. My biggest problem with my MIL is that she seems to have a lack of respect for me.  It all seemed to start when my DH and I gave my MIL a key to our house to take care of our pets when we went on our honeymoon.  She decided to re-decorate the house while we were gone.  She actually went so far as to move furniture around and told me on our return that she had put all the old tacky things away and bought nice new things for our house.  Now the house was one I had bought on my own and decorated after working very hard to pay for everything in the house - I can't tell you how hurtful it was that she referred to my belongings as old and tacky.  She had also bought bright pink bath mat and toilet mat which just was too bright for me so after a couple of days I changed things back.  Well this started a huge drama which now has her buying things for our house all the time. 

I do have a couple of items that she has bought for us up in our house but the gifts keep coming.  This causes an issue between DH and I because I want to decorate our house myself and he thinks it's rude to reject someones gifts.  Now it was ok for him to tell his mother to stop buying him clothes but apparently it's not ok to tell her to stop buying things for the house. I have accepted everything occasionally I tried the exchange option (this was suggested by friends) however this didn't work too well, I heard her saying to my DH "I'm so sorry so sorry" when I had told her it was ok but that metal lampshades wouldn't suit the house so I might just exchange them but thank-you. I mentioned I was going to buy cushions and how excited I was so she went out and bought cushions.  I left her cushions for 6 months before I changed them and she wasn't happy about that.  I finally decided to be honest with her (after a couple of years of her buying us stuff) and I had a chat with her and said that I appreciated the fact that she bought us gifts and that she may not understand how I felt but that I really enjoyed decorating my house and that it caused issues when she was constantly buying stuff as it put my DH in the middle between not wanting to hurt her and me getting upset. I said that I would really like it if she got other gifts if buying gifts made her happy that just weren't for the house.  As well as that we didn't have room to store everything we were receiving furniture items, stools, chairs, wall paintings, cushions, lamp shades, rocking chair etc etc.  Well the gifts didn't stop even after I explained how I felt.

And this is what hurt me.  She knew it caused problems between DH and I, she knew I wanted to decorate our house myself but she kept on doing it.  She either didn't respect my feelings or just wanted to cause troubles.  This went on for 4 years until one day I lied to her and told her I was wrong and that I loved her gifts and yes you guessed it the gifts stopped that month.  So when I tell her that I liked it she doesn't do it anymore. I now can't trust her and feel resentment toward her.

She also likes to put me down, she told me while looking at a wedding photo that one of her friends had seen the photo and thought I looked fat (no I'm not fat), she will pick up on something that I do and then tell a story where a friend of hers is doing the same thing and how stupid they are.  It just seems a constant battle with her if I want to do A then she will insist on doing B.  My DH and I were talking of traveling next year and my DH mentioned that I didn't want to travel to South America so you guessed it my MIL is constantly harping on about us going to South America.

I guess I just want to know how to handle this.  I do understand that rejecting gifts is rude but when she started giving furniture for gifts I thought that honesty would be the best approach, it backfired majorly.  She denied there being any issue told me it was my problem and that I couldn't expect to always get my own way.  That was after telling me that whenever she sees my DH upset she wondered what I had done to him.  I also realize that I have gotten angry and spoken harshly to her on a couple of occasions however I have apologized for this.  I have always tried to be fair with regard to holidays etc etc and I don't always expect to get my own way. I have organized family holidays and we have paid for them to come with us however she has let me know how nice her son is for doing that for her, even though DH tells her that I have organized everything.  I am quiet and she has put me down for being quiet but I am not a snob I am just quiet and a bit shyer.  I guess I am just frustrated.  I have no idea why she would do this, so from a MIL's perspective where is she coming from, is it ok to speak honestly or would this just have come across as rude.  How should I handle this?  I do understand that life is different for her now, her son moved out of home after marriage and I do realize that this is hard for her but I want a quiet peaceful life.  How do I deal with this?
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Shelby on September 30, 2011, 11:04:20 PM
Peggy -

you most certainly DO have a MIL problem - she has no boundaries - and doesn't respect yours.  She has to learn to respect your boundaries, or it will be nothing but trouble between you and your husband. 

Decorating a house is a matter of personal taste.  I would have a huge problem with my MIL rearranging and replacing furniture, and I am a fairly open person.  (Many years ago when my darling MIL was alive - she had a key to our house and came over while DH and I were at work and left her wonderful homemade chili in the refrigerator.  Some on this board might be offended if their MIL did that - I was delighted.  Hey, she was being thoughtful and generous, and I then didn't have to cook that night!  :)  After my MIL died, my FIL married a lovely woman, who has embraced our family and been a wonderful MIL and GM to our kids )

So I'm pretty open, and I would have humongous problems with your MIL. 

For starters, I would hire a pet-sitter to take care of the animals when you and your husband travel.  Paying a pet sitter would be cheap compared to the problems that come with your *free* MIL petsitter.  Too many strings attached to her *free* petsitting.  Pay cash to a stranger - much cheaper in the long run and better for your emotional health.

If she starts up doing things to the house when you're not there again, you may have to change the locks. 

But mainly I think your husband has to get involved.  He needs to stand up for you with her.  If he doesn't back you, she may think she can continue to steamroll you for years to come.  He may also have to reassure her that he can love her and you at the same time.  She's obviously insecure.

I also think she has a passive/aggressive streak - Continuing to give gifts (that I betcha she knows you don't like) when you ask her not to - and stopping the gifts when you tell her you like them.  So why not use that against her?   If she violates your boundaries - tell her how much you appreciate her doing whatever it was that was the violation.  Knowing how her mind works, you can probably use reverse psychology and keep her at bay. 

Most MILs on this site seem to be going to great efforts to walk on eggshells around their DILs.  Your MIL does not seem to be making any effort to respect your boundaries.  It's not you - it's her.  I suspect that 90% of us on here would adore having you as a DIL.  Hang in there - get hubby to help.  He's a man - he needs to man up and set boundaries with her. 

Best wishes

Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: sesamejane on October 01, 2011, 12:04:05 AM
One thing Luise might have said is - you can't make sense out of things that don't make any sense.  Stop trying to figure her out; it will probably be just a waste of time.

It would be nice if dh made his boundaries with his mother more clear, but you can't force him to do that.  I'm afraid that's out of your control. 

You do sound alike a lovely person who has done all she can to keep the peace.  Shelby is quite right; many of us would give our right arm for a gal like you in the family.    You sound like a very reasonable person.

there are many wise and caring women on this site.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Peggie on October 01, 2011, 12:30:28 AM
Thanks Shelby and Sesamejane.  My MIL has also bought over numerous dinners for us, which I love because she is a great cook, I have even asked her for some recipes however she has never given them to me.  My Dh has stood up for me, she insinuated I was a terrible cook so he told her he loved my food and when she insulted me about the wedding photo he told her that was rude.  She cried and said sorry to him not me.

I guess I really wanted a nice relationship, I don't think it should be this hard.  I even asked her when I had the chat with her what she wanted in a DIL and was I doing something that was upsetting her.  She said all she wanted was to be acknowledged on her birthday and mothers day which is something I have always done.  Of course when I then asked her why she had never acknowledged my birthday in all the years we had been married but acknowledged everyone else's birthday she just looked at me blankly. She has even called up on my birthday and when DH had said it was my birthday she still didn't even say happy birthday. I know I can't change her but how do I stand up for myself when she cries to my DH and uses guilt to make my DH feel bad? 
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: FAFE on October 01, 2011, 06:14:31 AM
Peggie, I think she's one of those people who you just cannot win with.  You may want to remind her that you'll probably have some say into which nursing home she will reside in one day. 

Are you the only DIL, and if so, are you the only one treated this way?  Some people are just not happy unless they are causing some kind of strife in ever path they walk.
When she gives you advice, just smile and say thank you and then go and do exactly what you want to do.  (Advice I gave my DIL in dealing with me.) 

I would not like her decorating my home at all.  I do buy gifts for my DIL but make sure she is with me and picks out what she wants.  I don't even do that to my DD unless I know it is something she wants or I will call and see if it's ok with her.  I bought several things for GD when she was decorating the baby's room.  Some she used, some she didn't.  I did not give a rip either way.

Hope things get better for you.   

Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: lancaster lady on October 01, 2011, 07:06:24 AM
hi Peggy and Welcome ,
You have tried it the pleasant way , now maybe time to get serious .
No point asking your husband as they usually sit on the fence . This is your problem so you have to deal
with it .
Tell her how things will be from now on . This is your marriage and your household and you would like to run it your way .
You appreciate everything she has done , but would now like to decorate , holiday , whatever , your way !
When she prattles on about something for example the holiday , speak up , tell her there is no way
you are going to South America !
No need to be rude , just firm , she'll soon get the message .
Oh yes , and buy her something '' lovely '' for her house for Christmas !
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Shelby on October 01, 2011, 07:08:04 AM
FAFE - I chuckled out loud when I read your comment telling Peggie to remind MIL that Peggie would someday have some say in picking out the nursing home MIL would live in.  Love the idea, but I don't think Peggie should actually say it *out loud* to either MIL or Peggie's husband.  Remember the Miranda warning -- anything you say can and will be used against you.  I guarantee MIL will use that against Peggie if Peggie ever actually says it. 

Peggie can't win in dealing with this MIL - who is a caricature of a control freak.   - Peggie should comfort herself internally that someday she will have input into that choice of nursing home - but use the thought as a secret comfort - a mental security blanket if you will. 

Try to imagine yourself as made from Teflon.  Nothing sticks to you.  You could also develop selective hearing loss - and just not hear much of what MIL says, and therefore not take it to heart.  (I suspect most MILs on here can tell you that a high percentage of their children had selective hearing loss as teenagers)  ;)   

And always remember the Serenity Prayer - which I can't exactly remember - but is something like --

God, Grant me the courage to change the things I can,
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and
The wisdom to know the difference. 

Peggie, dear - you are going to need one ton of serenity - because you are never going to change this gal. 

Sounds like you live in same city as MIL - which can be an advantage.  Compartmentalize.  Have your own job, own friends, have a good relationship with your husband, and let your husband maintain a solo relationship with MIL.  You can see her only on holidays - he can see her the rest of the year.  Maybe the two of them have lunch together once a month - while you join me at the spa!  ;)

Of course he can't cater to her and hang out with her all the time - or you'll be hanging out with a divorce lawyer - but maybe you can just not have much to do with her.  Lots of DILs of the MILs on this forum do just exactly that!!  Of course it drives the MILs nuts, but apparently the DILs like it  ;)

Peggie - take care - take comfort in knowing that Sesamejane is right when she says you sound like a lovely person who has done all she can. 

Sesame is also correct that you can't force your husband to make boundaries clear with his mother - but perhaps you could get him to go to counseling with you - and through that he might begin to see the damage he does to his marriage if he won't set boundaries. (He sounds like he understands the boundary concept - after all he doesn't like her picking out his clothes - so why should he like her picking out furniture that belongs to both you and him?)

Again what you pay a therapist is cheap in terms of the value in your DH learning to put you first.  (and you can always have a garage sale, sell all that stuff she gave you that you don't like - and pay for the therapist that way)  ;)

Hang in there.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Ruth on October 01, 2011, 07:33:46 AM
I'm sorry Peggy.  I agree totally with LL, and she has earned her wings in my opinion dealing with volatile issues in her family.  Your MIL has some major personality issues, you'll have to be a lot stronger than you've been before.  It isn't about you.  I think this kind of bully does back down when they see strength.  I wouldn't stop at telling her the nursing home line myself, if I got her alone and she was continuing to flex her muscles, I wouldn't consider this under normal circumstances.  But she's a stinker.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Ruth on October 01, 2011, 07:41:48 AM
And by the way, I think at this time you have set the record on this site for MIL from HEL.  !!!
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: sesamejane on October 01, 2011, 09:09:12 AM
If someone has already said this, I apologize.  But it seems to me that the gift giving is a bribe.  This used to happen in my FOO.  "Isn't it wonderful that I am giving you a gift."  No matter that this person undermined you the day before or diminished your abilities or is highly intrusive and rude.  Of course it matters, and the gift is a way of controlling you to "be quiet."  So dear one, if I were you, I would put the "gifts" in a consignment shop or give them to a local charity, as I think refusing them would only escalate.  She probably would love you to refuse the gifts as she would have an opportunity to whine to dh or anyone else who would listen. When she asks about the gift, play the "dumb blond (sorry and do not mean to offend any blonds, just an expression),"  "oh it's around here somewhere..." or "oh I put it away.  I want to save it for a special ocassion."

Let her cook for you to her heart's content as long as she does not mean to stay for dinner!!  Lovingly thank her as you close the door.

I hope it all works out for you.   ::)
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Pen on October 01, 2011, 09:47:00 AM
Welcome, Peggie. I feel your pain and frustration; my DM put up with a truly heinous MIL (my GM) her entire married life. GM outlived DM by 20 years, so poor mom never stood a chance. It won't get better unless you and your DH set boundaries and stick to them. Best wishes!

BTW, we're a bit MIL top-heavy here but we love to have the DIL POV. Please keep posting and reading!
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: pam1 on October 01, 2011, 10:28:10 AM
Welcome Peggie :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I know it's really not that funny but when you're describing telling MIL you like something and then she would stop -- I just can't help but imagine the fun you could have with this lol.

We have a thing here called "loving detachment" where you pretty much disengage from the toxic party.  I think it would help you.  You have to decide what you're willing to accept and that's it.  DH will probably be upset, MIL is already upset....oh well.  I suspect once DH is on the front lines taking MILs fire he'll be singing a different tune. 
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: forever spring on October 01, 2011, 11:13:38 AM
Hi Peggy, so good to have a DIL here. This MIL is a bit of a handful I do agree. I'm a MIL myself with problems of my own but I would never have dared decorating the house. I think, but that's for my DIL to say, that I have respected her. Boundaries is the word as so many others say who have replied to your post.
Hope things will get better. DH is such an important part in the whole scenario but they often don't really know how to deal with two women having issues with each other.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Peggie on October 01, 2011, 12:18:15 PM
Thanks so much for all your replies.  I do think boundaries is the main issue, something I will have to work on.  I guess I really just wanted to understand why she acted the way she acted, I just don't get it at all.  I am starting to see though that it's not my problem to understand, I will never understand so I might as well just let it go.  I have taken it all so personally and really this is about my MIL not me.  Yes there is another DIL and she is nice to her face (she has kids) but not so nice behind her back. This is all easier said than done but it's a start.  Thanks for all your advice, I appreciate it.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Rejected on October 01, 2011, 12:52:29 PM
Hi Peggy! Wow! Your situation is crazy! My first thought in reading your post is, don't stop the gift flow...hear me out. You have confronted her in the past and she hasn't stopped so it sounds to me like she is doing this to prove a point or most likely, to be obnoxious. If I were you, I'd be making a couple bucks off her "gifts." Do you have a local online classifieds site for your area? Like Craigslist? They are free. Sign up and start listing the items and start making some money and then with that money go buy what you want for your house  ;D  Don't bother displaying her gift for any amount of time, that only feeds into her gifting obsession. This way it's an win, win , win situation. Your MIL gets to give her gift, your DH gets to accept the gift, and you get to buy what you really want from the money you make from selling the gift.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Nana on October 01, 2011, 01:52:21 PM
I agree 100 percent with Lancaster Lady.  Time to get serious.  Not rude but firm.   You now know your husband will not put a stop here, so its where you should come in.  She is disrespectful, selfish and is kind of crazy (sorry).  You will never win with her, I agree.  But that doesnt mean you have to have her in your life.  Having her in your life is like "sleeping with the enemy". 

I would talk one more time with husband and tell him that things will change...from this point on....and take action.  You have the right to your life, privacy and peace. 

You have a good heart...just dont let her take advantage of you.

Wishing you the best.

Love
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Doe on October 01, 2011, 02:04:05 PM
Oh, I just about sprayed my computer screen with mouthful of tea when I read that your MIL redecorated your house!!  That is so ridiculous!

Thanks so much for posting this - I needed to see this today and see evidence of other MILs who are MUCH! worse than me.   I know this is a problem for you but this gave me a good laugh -at her, not you.  She is really in la-la land!


Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Pooh on October 01, 2011, 04:51:47 PM
Welcome Peggie.  If your DH has a "man cave" or a room (office, study?) that is just his, I would just start placing EVERYTHING she buys into his space and let him use it for decorating.  I mean, pile it up until there is just a path for him to walk.  When he gets sick of it, then tell him that he can ask her to stop buying things.

I'm serious.  We have learned here that the road to boundaries seems to start with the men.  Disengage yourself from the situation and let him figure it out.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Peggie on October 01, 2011, 07:22:49 PM
Rejected I have also wondered if she was trying to make a point but I have never worked out what the point was except to create a lot of tension.  Sometimes I wondered if the gifts were for my DH or whether she felt the need to decorate his house for him it's like sometimes she forgets or tries to forget that there is a DIL in the picture, like never acknowledging my birthday, refusing every dinner invitation I have given her, thanking her son for holidays I have planned for everyone.  The end result now is that DH is to organize any holidays and dinners so yes you guessed it, that has all stopped.  I guess I sometimes felt bad about it, I thought maybe there was another perspective I was missing but if I was going to get it it would be here.  There's no point in continuing to complain, I may as well enjoy life and let DH deal with his mother.

Doe glad I can make you laugh, I am surprised if the MIL's here know not to re-decorate your sons and DIL's houses and to have boundaries then I can't imagine what your DIL's have to complain about.

I think I will disengage and take a back seat for a while.  Not be walked all over but just get some distance from the whole situation.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Peggie on October 01, 2011, 07:35:39 PM
Oh forgot to ask, Shelby why do MIL's hate it if their DIL's don't visit?  Surely if the relationship is tense then the MIL would actually like the DIL not visiting and the son just visiting on his own.  That way everyone is happy, MIL gets alone time with DS and DIL gets time to visit friends go shopping etc etc.  Why would MIL's want the DIL to visit if they don't like them?
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: forever spring on October 02, 2011, 12:09:16 AM
Good question Peggy. I remember when I was still living near DS and MIL I really enjoyed looking after the GK with DS when DIL was at work. It was really nice and without any problems but I know it was probably me being possessive and wanting DS on my own. Well I'm far away now and this situation does not arise any more but I do have fond memories of going to the park with GK and DS.
I so wanted to be relaxed around my DIL but I just can't do it at the moment. That's why I said in an earlier post, we probably have to allow for this special relationship  to grow and it may take a long time. At the same time I do firmly believe that it has to grow organically and no amount of talking it over etc. will change things for the better. I'm not saying we should sweep everything under the carpet and in your case to raise the issues you are having and set boundaries is very important, but for a sincere relationship between MILs and DILs to grow no amount of talking will be successful, just gentle gestures over a long period will make this grow. I'm still hoping that this will be the case with my relationship. I don't know at the moment whether it will ever happen, but I do know that if it does it will be most rewarding and one of the best things that will have ever happened to me.
I wish you luck. From what you are writing it seems that the channels of communication - for better or for worse - are still open and that's a good thing.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: lancaster lady on October 02, 2011, 01:20:46 AM
Hi Peggie ,

I think perhaps you made your MIL too comfortable , and she felt like one of the family too literally !
Taking over your responsibilities . Or perhaps , she was just continuing looking after her son , in a different house !
As for sons visiting their Moms on their own , mine wasn't allowed to !
I was informed we come as a unit !! All or none !
So sometimes it's not all the MIL's fault . I would have welcomed any visits from one or a hundred and one !

Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Doe on October 02, 2011, 07:00:21 AM
I agree that you've gone through all the socially accepted steps to handle your MIL and you could do just about anything you want at this point.   Some people go out of their way to misunderstand/not understand so further explanations are useless.  Overt action is called for!   

I wouldn't expect to change your MIL but you can get down to the task of keeping your home the way you want it. Refuse shipments, take the stuff back to her house, sell it without compunction, give it to Goodwill, stick a 'free' sign on it and put it out next to the garbage. 
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Pen on October 02, 2011, 08:26:36 AM
Not all MILs hate it if the DIL doesn't visit when DS does...I for one enjoy seeing DS alone, because my DIL gets testy if we talk about any subject other than her/her FOO. It's been months since I've had a relaxed conversation face-to-face with my son (we do get to talk on the phone when she's not around.)

Of course DIL's FOO doesn't have this issue; there are many times DS chooses not to join them. I feel as if DS has been absorbed into DIL's FOO. They didn't lose a daughter, they gained a son. We've lost a son and not gained a daughter.

BTW, we have been very careful to not hover or make nuisances of ourselves. It kind of backfired on us because DIL takes that as a sure sign that we don't care about DS as much as her overbearing FOO does.

Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Doe on October 02, 2011, 08:45:50 AM
I treasure one on one conversations with my son.  After he got engaged, we hardly ever saw DS alone and after they married and moved away, the structure they chose was group Skype conversations once a week, same day, same time. 

I asked for some spontaneity, and at times asked to chat with DS without the group setting (didn't say without DIL) but it stayed the same till DIL cut me off.  At least I don't have to sit in front of a computer screen trying to think of things to say anymore.  :P

Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Pen on October 02, 2011, 08:52:56 AM
Doe, that would be so awkward!

I'm having one of those days when I miss my DS a lot. I'm feeling very envious of his ILs.  :'(
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Doe on October 02, 2011, 08:54:57 AM
((((((((Pen)))))))))), you're going to get me going - I'm missing mine today, too. 
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: pam1 on October 02, 2011, 09:00:46 AM
I agree that it is rude to tell someone what to get you/not get you.  And all attempts to explain yourself regarding what gifts you like are ignored.  It's not rude to give away or sell a gift, once it is given it is yours to do with what you wish.  It is rude to attempt to tell someone what to do with a gift, so I think you're totally in the clear to sell this stuff.

I don't think it's possible to truly understand people like your MIL.  Really, the gifts have nothing to do with you, it's all about her. 
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: sesamejane on October 02, 2011, 09:03:55 AM
I agree - gifts have nothing to do with dil, so give them to dh and put in 'man cave.' Pooh, I think that is a stroke of genius! ;D
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Peggie on October 02, 2011, 04:39:08 PM
Pen and Doe I'm sorry you are missing your sons.  Pam1 I do agree that it is rude to reject gifts or try and stipulate what gifts should be given, I understand that I'm not fault free in all this mess.  That's why my DH didn't want to get involved, he said it's rude to refuse gifts.  For me I was trying to set boundaries in our home although I could have handled this better.  I love the man cave idea.  DH can use what he wants in his man cave and we will give the rest to charity.

I know I have vented a lot, so thanks for listening.  I guess deep down it's not all about decorating, it's the way my MIL dismisses my feelings, opinions and ideas.  If I invite everyone out to dinner because she mentioned a restaurant that looked nice, she refuses however if DH invites everyone then she goes.  Other than that dinners always have to be at her house. I haven't pushed the dinner invitations and now leave it for MIL to organize dinners at her house if that's what she is comfortable with. My mom wanted to have a joint family dinner so she asked me to ask MIL however when I asked MIL I was told to stay out of it and let them decide things.  So my mom called her and asked them for dinner however when it was time to return the favor my MIL asked DH to invite my mom.  So it's ok for her to invite everyone for dinner through her son but not ok for my mom to invite everyone through me.  Then there's the insults I say I doing some painting and the next time I see her she tells me her friend is doing drawing and how only stupid people do art things. These are small examples so picture them with everything.  It's like she sees me as a child, I certainly don't want to take over or make all the decisions but something as simple as dinner invitations should be ok.  My FOO don't have family holidays so the holidays I have organized have been their family tradition and even that she praises DH for it.  It's the constant dismissal of me as if I am expected to sit in the corner and shut up and let MIL and DH run the show but sometimes she forgets this is my life too. I have continued to join in with their family traditions but it's like she wants to make sure I'm hidden in the background out of her way. I do stay out of MIL and DH's relationship and that is why I try to talk to her on her own as otherwise it becomes a weird triangle situation with DH in the middle.  I figure we are adults and should be able to handle each other one on one. 

But despite this I do see that I can't change things and I do understand by what some of you mean by just relaxing and letting things develop over time without trying to force or rush things.  I really appreciate everyone's feedback and advice, at least now I have a way of handling the gifts.  Thanks for all the advice I appreciate it.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Ruth on October 02, 2011, 04:49:06 PM
Peggie you have the EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND mil there.  Its even funnier than a sitcom.  In years to come you'll look back and laugh about her.  I hope you and hubby can maybe relocate far far away...

I miss my son today.  I'm seven days into the flu and sick.  I'm sad today, I really miss my son.  ...
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Peggie on October 02, 2011, 05:29:47 PM
Thanks Ruth, I guess I should see the funny side to it all.  I do tend to vent first.  Perhaps that's what aggravates MIL's about DIL's they wish we would laugh things off more readily, take a lighter approach rather than be so serious with all issues.

I am sorry that you have the flu and that your missing your son.  I can't imagine how infuriating it would be to have someone new come into your family and then interfere with your relationship with your son to the point that you rarely see him.  It would be heartbreaking. 

Thanks for everyone's thoughts it's probably time I let you MIL's get back to discussing us DIL's,  this forum is for you, I just wanted to visit. I did get a lot of great advice which I'll use.  I think I really need to just relax and let things be, I will be more assertive with some boundaries but I am hoping I can laugh about it in years to come and I hope things work out for everyone on this forum. Thanks.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Pen on October 02, 2011, 05:51:46 PM
Peggie, please stick around! This forum is for all of us, and we love having DIL input. In fact, I'll bet there are quite a few MILs who would adopt you as a surrogate DIL right now (me, for one.) As if you needed another MIL with the situation you've got on your hands, lol.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: FAFE on October 02, 2011, 06:18:32 PM
Peggie, I'll take you as a DIL in a heartbeat.  But, you've gotta start churning out those grancchildren (LOL).  I need someone esle to spoil! 
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Shelby on October 02, 2011, 07:09:42 PM
Peggie - you asked me specifically why MILs hate it when the DILs don't visit.  I don't think that is the case.  If it is a good MIL/DIL relationship, I'm sure there's no scorekeeping as to whether DS visits alone or with DIL.  In a good relationship, DIL and MIL probably have a fair amount of contact that doesn't even involve DS. 

When the relationship is strained, frankly I think it is a relief and a treat when DS visits alone.  Then MIL and DS can have natural, comfortable interaction -  not have to walk on eggshells all the time.  While I was initially disappointed my DIL wanted little to do with DS FOO, I long ago accepted her indifference, so rather than hate it when DS visits alone, I thoroughly enjoy it.  I'm fine when they visit together, too, but on those occasions I have to choose my words very carefully, so it is not as much fun. 

My big concern now is that since they have moved all the way across the country, I'll see them maybe once or twice a year - and there will probably not be any chance to se DH alone.

Peggie - Thanks for coming on -- you have boosted spirits of a lot of us - we don't feel nearly so bad when we see what a truly bad MIL is!  And I think you should stay on the site - as your perspective will be invaluable.  So stick around! :)
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Pooh on October 03, 2011, 05:31:45 AM
I'm going to weigh in on the question.  I think it's totally about the relationship.  Even though I don't like my DIL, I would still love if she visited some so we could work on the relationship.  I can't work with her if she never shows up.  That being said, in my idealic world where we got along, I would like a mix, but not just for me, for them.  DS to drop by sometimes on his own, both of them to drop by, and DIL to be able to go to her FOO alone as well.  It's not about scorekeeping, it's about giving everyone some freedom.  As a female, I loved going to see my Mom and Dad without my DH sometimes.  My Mother and I would have long talks and felt the freedom to do so after Dad went out to mow or tinker with his John Deere.  No different than I hope my Sons can go see their Dad and go play golf, fish, bowl....whatever on their own.  (Not happening with OS as DIL will not let him even spend one-on-one time with his Dad).

I will say if a DIL has no interest in her DH's FOO and refuses to visit at all, that's ok too, as like Pen said she doesn't run block on the DS's visiting.  It's ok that my DIL doesn't like me as she is entitled to like who she wants.  I wish it was different but right now, it's not.  Just don't interfere with DS being able to visit without her.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Ruth on October 03, 2011, 07:16:36 AM
I agree that you are one of us now Peggie, please stay.  I should also clear up something I have obviously been confusing about somewhere, its so easy to type fast and think the reader knows all your history, but no one came into my family and caused me not to see DS.  His F and I were divorced when he was adolescent so it was not a step issue.  He chose custody with his F and it just went from bad to worse.     
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Doe on October 03, 2011, 07:17:32 AM
Definitely stay!  We need all sorts of wise women here!
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: pam1 on October 03, 2011, 07:18:29 AM
Quote from: Pooh on October 03, 2011, 05:31:45 AM
I'm going to weigh in on the question.  I think it's totally about the relationship.  Even though I don't like my DIL, I would still love if she visited some so we could work on the relationship.  I can't work with her if she never shows up.  That being said, in my idealic world where we got along, I would like a mix, but not just for me, for them.  DS to drop by sometimes on his own, both of them to drop by, and DIL to be able to go to her FOO alone as well.  It's not about scorekeeping, it's about giving everyone some freedom. As a female, I loved going to see my Mom and Dad without my DH sometimes.  My Mother and I would have long talks and felt the freedom to do so after Dad went out to mow or tinker with his John Deere.  No different than I hope my Sons can go see their Dad and go play golf, fish, bowl....whatever on their own.  (Not happening with OS as DIL will not let him even spend one-on-one time with his Dad).

I will say if a DIL has no interest in her DH's FOO and refuses to visit at all, that's ok too, as like Pen said she doesn't run block on the DS's visiting.  It's ok that my DIL doesn't like me as she is entitled to like who she wants.  I wish it was different but right now, it's not.  Just don't interfere with DS being able to visit without her.

I love how you put that Pooh and agree. 

Peggie, my DH will not visit his FOO without me, it's very, very rare.  Even though I tell him to go, he was like this before me.  I remember MIL thanking me for coming into the picture, DH came around his FOO more.  I think when I started to get fed up with the issues and stopped going so much, MIL noticed that her DS wasn't coming as much.  Therefore, it was my fault in her mind.

She probably thinks if you wanted to see her more, DH would want to see her more.  I think also when someone has this big of an issue with boundaries, they take a lot of things as rejection.  B/c honestly, acting this way they are going to get reject a lot in our society.  Try to look at your MIL as a whole....does she have a social life outside of her family?  How are her work relationships?  Does she have any long term lasting friendships?  For my MIL, it's all a no.  As a person she does have a very sad life, albeit one she chose for herself.  It helps take the sting off the interaction I do have with her but also gives me a clearer picture that there is nothing I can do to help her.

Setting limits and preventing interference in your marriage is the best thing you can do.  It helps you and it does help her.  It is probably the kindest thing you can do for her. 
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: Pooh on October 03, 2011, 08:20:18 AM
Quote from: Peggie on October 02, 2011, 05:29:47 PM
Thanks for everyone's thoughts it's probably time I let you MIL's get back to discussing us DIL's,  this forum is for you, I just wanted to visit.

Peggie, the history of this forum was it did start out as a place for MILs to discuss issues and get advice, but it evolved a long time ago as more DILs found it and joined.  Luise changed the name to WiseWomenUnite in order to encompass everyone.  So please stay and know that you are more than welcome.  We love our DILS here and most of us have been or are DILs as well.
Title: Re: Help with MIL
Post by: forever spring on October 03, 2011, 11:03:29 AM
 :) Yes please stay, it's so good to have both sides here.  :)