WiseWomenUnite.com

Thanks Louise - love that utube and its message!

Without open communication which includes the opportunity to clarify the intent of words spoken, the nuances of meaning, I think we are constrained, in varying degrees, in the quality and depth of connection to those we love.  I struggle with it often in the slow rebuilding of a sense of belonging with my DS and DIl and now little grandchild. Accepting what is, waiting when my adult child wanted no contact, changing my expectations, and learning to discern what I really wanted rather than what others want me to do are all lessons which taxed me as a  parent of ds and dil.  Who ever knew it would be this way? I didn't for sure. Despite all that, the best I can do is to concentrate on myself and find peace and love in my life from whatever quarters it is available. If I held on to resentment of what happened to me, what was done to me actually in my opinion, I do not think there would have been an opening for re-connection. I had to let it go and learn not to look for the slights which are ever present in my connection to dil. I know it will get passed to grand child too, and yet I can do nothing about that, so I do not focus there.  I want to live in the moment when there is love with them available to me and not miss what can be, even though it looks so different that what I imagined so long ago. I want you to know there is hope for this peace, I found it after much searching and wailing and breaking of my heart. All the lessons to be learned are here in the stories of these ladies. Read and reread them as often as you need. Know you are not alone - that most of all.

Molly - I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.  KG says it all straight up - and we are here to listen and support you.

Ladystar - I am so sorry for your troubles.  It must be so hard to do what needs to be done now to preserve and restore your peace of mind and health. 
Once you do change the POA and your ds and dil have moved, it might be a good though difficult idea to inform ds by registered mail that his POA has been revoked.  Your attorney will probably advise this as well. If a 'crunch' time comes and ds still thinks he is POA he may take that poa paper to a bank or medical facility to prove his right to act.  Such entities normally do not do any kind of search to verify the POA was not changed since its execution originally.  If however the POA ( in this case you ds) has been notified by registered mail that he is no longer POA, it acts as a deterrent as there are severe penalties for acting illegally on a revoked POA.
Given the terrible treatment you are enduring with them in your home, I hope you do not tell them of the change until after they have moved and your home is secure from them.  I would fear it blowing up further if you told him now, though I do hope you change it now and tell him later.
This happened with my mother, who changed her poa for medical and financial from a daughter who lived far distant to those closer to her location. When she notified the daughter of the change, that daughter completely blew up at her and only once in the final years even talked to her again.  An ugly outcome, and one that proved she needed to make the change, hard as it was. Valid reasons ignored by unreasonable people often point up dissonance between what is in an individuals best interests and someone else s interests IMHO. Just saying...

Freespirit, I am so sorry you are experiencing this sadness. You are supported here and heard. I agree with the other posters regarding a physical move far from ds who treats you well, though I can certainly understand the allure.

Autumn - so happy to read your post. My own experience is similar and I do not think I would be where I am today - in contact with ds, dil and new gd if not for the wisdom of the ladies here. Enjoy that party and kudos to you and all the ladies here who give so honestly from their hearts.

Louise - you crack me up

Dear Louise - Please accept my condolences. I keep you in my prayers and like to think of you and Val tooling around in your RV. My post last week when I read about this seems to have disappeared, so thought I would repost. Sorry for redundancy if I just don't see it somewhere.

Congrats to you Kate. Enjoy this new life come to earth.

Wendy and H - It appears you are both traveling a similar road and one many of us here have traveled, myself included until the last number of months. It is hard to understand what is not clearly presented and yet at times all one can do is deal with the veiled behaviors once the hope ( expectations ) of clear communication to resolve problems is gone. It is hard work and you are both well on your way to focusing on the only person you can change - yourself. I could have written major parts of both your stories myself. A year ago I would have told you all hope was lost for connection and a sense of belonging with my formerly sweet and loving and respectful son. A year later it is different, a difference which could not have happened had I not left the door open a crack while at the same time requiring a base line of respectful communication when there was phone contact. Slowly he began to come around after a few months of no contact. In my case I will never know just what happened to cause him to change so radically from the way he was raised, though I chose to go on and try to reconnect in new ways when he and dil told me they had decided they wanted me in their lives after all. The not knowing 'why' and resultant trepidation about the future ( could it happen again) is always a bit in the background for me, yet I can just stay in the present and enjoy what is presented there for the most part. I do think in my case my dil was the change factor and maybe time has shown her I am no threat to her primary position in my ds's life. I think with us it had little to nothing to do with what was actually going on in real time or the real world, it had to do with the place I had in my son's mind and heart which had to be destroyed for her. So...that place went quiet for a long time though ultimately love triumphed - it has no frontier after all and now expresses itself in different though familiar ways - a shorthand so to speak. 

I hope the pain of what you are both going through recedes and you find ways to partake in joy in your daily lives to mitigate the dark nights. I have a feeling the ache never completely goes away for us, Louise can speak to that, yet there is light possible after such heartache.  That light is connection and a sense of belonging which may not look like what we had imagined it would, yet never the less it meets the definition. Hugs to you.

Thank you all for your good wishes.  It is fun to share this joy. I had a skype call with new baby and ds and dil last night - she is so adorable. She was sleeping on her daddy's chest skin to skin and it was special to see my ds holding his daughter and her holding his finger so tightly.   

My first grandchild was born yesterday afternoon. Mom and baby are both fine. Only a 12 hour labor, though induced so rather intense.  I already have 2 sets of pictures and heard her cry and then immediately quiet when her daddy ( my ds) walked in the room and spoke to her. He said she turned her head to him at his voice and I could hear his wonder as he related that on the phone to me. The circle of life and this amazing journey through and around it hold moments that take my breath away. I am grateful the New Year is here, and for the new life it has brought into my family.
I expect to visit in a few weeks when summoned to help. They live 1500 miles from me. Until then I will just get used to the fact I now have a new role - grandmother. I once read that love knows no frontier - neither time nor distance, physical or emotional.
My own journey through the last years has been very difficult. There were times I thought  all was lost without the past connection and trust destroyed and all the things so many of us contend with regarding our adult children. Now, well somehow I washed up on new shores, and content myself with love in the moment. Perhaps it is a better way to live after all. I find it is all just enough to my surprise.
I wish all of you a blessed New Year, joy, and many smiles to see you through.

What a great outcome Begonia. I admire very much the balance you have found in allowing other perspectives to inform your own.  It can be so hard to walk in the other persons' shoes, even when they tell us how it is for them, and much more difficult when you have to suss it out on your own as you have.  Have a wonderful Christmas - it is a special season of miracles after all.

I think you answered your own question when you said 'this is unacceptable'. I hope you will seek outside counseling if needed to make the best decision for yourself and your child.  It is hard to imagine this will have a happy outcome if you proceed to living together or marriage and while hard to hear, love is not enough. While it is true nothing is perfect, you are facing a long standing pattern with your man, one which will be very hard to change. Unless and until the pattern is resolved in a way which allows him the freedom in himself to choose a life with you over his family, please do not proceed.  If he is unwilling to face this head on, you have his answer.

So sorry to read about your mishap, though very glad to hear you are on the mend. Sending healing thoughts your way - maybe you should make up your other eye to match and tell anyone who says anything you are going 'goth' or that smudgy eyes are in! Take care dear Louise.