March 28, 2024, 04:55:38 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Elise

181
I've been visiting and reading here for months.  You have all helped me so much to begin coming to terms with my broken relationship with my only child ( son 32), married one year tomorrow. I was a single mom since he was under a year old, and until 3 years ago I thought we had won the lottery and beat all the odds. I raised him to be autonomous, he moved right along on schedule and has lived far away since he was 18, coming home when he could. We had become friends and thought we had a mutual relationship based on trust. He seemed to walk the world solid from both the heart and head, getting a fine education, making a good life for himself wherever he happened to be living at the time.

He brought his girlfriend from his early 20's back into his life about 3 years ago. I had liked her a lot the years I knew her, and hoped they would marry as they appeared so happy together - almost glowed it seeemd to me. The very day I remet her was the first time he screamed at me and within a month he was threatening to put me out of his life. Nothing had happened between us, so I tried to forget it when he would not talk about it, and in time his behavior deteriorated towards me into real emotional abuse. For a long time I thought he was under such stress he was just venting at me and I tried to ignore it. I remained loving and kind always to him and her, despite the escalation of abuse all through the last year. I thought in time he would settle down and either resolve his problems or finally tell me what I was doing which was upsetting him, since he would not address either when I tried. Sadly, that did not happen. 

I waited until all the wedding parties around the country were over finally in July. We are each others only family. When he ramped up the calls to me (way way too many the last 2 years) I finally started to stand up, trying to get him to stop the screaming at me, labeling me without examples, etc.  Then he moved into a variety of other destructive tactics, seeming to be trying to get me to accept his perceptions as real for me. Crazy-making for sure.  By Sept I knew this was not getting any better, as the things he would say once he could occassionaly talk without screaming moved into telling me what I thought and felt - very very wrong in all of his statements. He refused to listen to me, or let me speak. I went into therapy and that has helped me a lot in confirming his labels are projections most likely since they do not fit me. I also needed help in setting clearer boundaries. After a few months of not talking, he agreed to limit any relationship talks to skype only when we could be eye to eye and agreed phone calls were only to be on lighter subjects comfortable for both of us. He agreed either of us could use the word 'stop' if we became uncomfortable and the other would immediately stop , end the contact nicely and we could talk about what happened to stop communication the next day if we wanted or just wait to see how it went the next time. Because it was only one call on Skype in November that worked a little, I declined to allow them to come home at Xmas, agreeing instead to go to her parents a state away for a day the day after Xmas.  He was not happy about it though he agreed as his wife's family had invited me.  I took a hotel room and met him at a museum the other day for a little one on one time as he said he would feel awkward seeing me at their home without some one on one time.  We had a decent visit at museum, walked around a bit and I requested we find somewhere to get a hot chocolate as I was cold.  I wanted to sit across from him so I could look at him for a few minutes as he had avoided my eyes for so long. He could not hold my eyes and when I held his he became agitated and started getting hostile, telling me I was grandiose all afternoon ( his most often used label in the last year or so). He refused or was unable to give me an example though I requested same, saying he preferred to just tell me how I am, went on to tell me I am not retional anymore. At that point I told him to 'stop', he didn't, I waited to take a few breaths and calm down, he kept on swirling off into some other nonsense. At that point I stood up, put $20 on the table, said a swear word ( which I never say - have never in his life sworn at him) and walked out. He was behind me talking after a block or so, accusations of my resenting him marrying ( first time I heard that one) until I was at my car. I opened the trunk - full of presents and food, he was at the trunk, asked him if he wanted the food and presents, he said yes, I unloaded them into his arms and on the sidewalk, got in my car and sat there.  He stood outside the car at the front bumper, I could see his lips moving, could hear nothing, busy street scene. After a couple of minutes he elbowed the passenger window, I put down the window, he leaned down and said "you can't do tis to me, I will be humiliated with my inlaws, etc.  I looked at him and said 'choices'. I waited until he moved back from the window, saying nothing other than about himself. He was raised with the mantra ' choose the behavior and you are choosing the consequences', so I think he knew all he had to say was "i'm sorry' and I would relent and help him save face. He has not been able to say those words or won his behavior to me these years.  I sat there until he walked away, thinking. I knew I could help him by just accepting what he had done and save face for him by putting up with the resentment and cold treatment I would get at the inlaws from everyone other than the grandmother, or I could enforce the agreed boundaries which were inplace, even if only in the last 2 months.  I chose the boundareis and drove off.

My son completely changed in these years to me, he has a psychology undergrad degree and much training in how to manage conflict and proper communication skills.  I have never even yelled at him in his whole life - he was such a wonderful son. He married a clinical psychologist who does autism research. I wish them well, and am detaching with love, giving it to God. I may never know any more than I know now, which is little about why and how and all that. I am working on acceptance and must be getting there.  The tears are far fewer than I would expect, maybe I have cried an ocean and am dry. Maybe it is just because all I am losing now are my final illusions.

It helps so much to share this finally and you all have helped me so much get to here, even though it is no place I would ever have imagined my family would wind up - destroyed.  We are strong, we go on, we will be ok in time.