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Welcome "C". I have not experienced the situation myself but the pattern of DILs being deeply entrenched with their families of origin has come up before.

However, in your situation, your DIL doesn't seem to like it or encourage it, she just doesn't know how to deal with it. How sad if her solutions is to cut and run.

And the religious thing is sure a hot topic. Personally it makes my blood boil to know her parents are quoting the bible and destroying the marriage simultaneously. That's the height is hypocrisy in my book. (Hope I didn't step on any toes.)

We need an 11th commandment. Prissy is really good at that kind of thing. How about: Thou Shalt Not Meddle?"

It must feel awful for you to be watching all of this play out and not e able to help. It's theirs to deal with or be conquered by. Blessings, Luise

Oh, Millie...you had a whole gang around you, too. All of us!

And I know that often men aren't able (or maybe willing) to get into such deep emotional water. Letting go is such a tall order and yet I'm sure that's the only way to go. We can't have our lives end because someone took an eraser and erased us from their reality. We haven't been erased from the planet. Bless your daughter's heart for caring. And no, of course she shouldn't have to try to make up for your son. Each person has his/her own reaction and takes whatever path is chosen.

I'm not suggesting you take up basket weaving but there are people who are childless that lead full lives. There are other avenues beyond those of the heart that have been initiated by our choice to become parents. Fir instance, one of my readers on my other web site signed up to be a part time foster parent and is creating other "grandchildren" to love, who need it desperately.

I think many of us seem to have experienced being loved without reservation by one child while being damned by another. That's so confusing...at least for me.

Blessings, Luise

Hi Millie,

It's Sunday morning...and today is the day. Just putting it out there that you are not alone...you have a new family, and that's all of us. Sending you loving, healing energy.

I will share, probably on Grab Bag, what has been going on with me. (Lots.)

Blessings,

Luise

Well, I am interested in this exchange, of course. 

I think we need to remember there are no actual MIL/DIL prototypes. We/they come in all sizes and shapes, attitudes and behaviors, backgrounds and life experiences. Tolerance is hard to create and even harder to maintain when the chemistry isn't favorable. What one MIL wants is not necessarily what another would value. The same goes for DILs. Terrible, unforgivable damage can be done and sometimes minor slights can be seen as terrible, unforgivable damage. We can share and learn and then we have to sort it out from our own vantage (or disadvantage) point.

I think there is something in our Forum Policy that we agree to the refers to bold type and capitalization. When the need to do that comes up, and I'm sure it will for most of us, lets agree to stop, take a deep breath and break for tea or a coke or whatever. Or what I do when smoke is coming out the top of my head is I write it but I don't send it until I tone it down a bit. Whatever works for you. OK?

This is a Forum...it wouldn't have any juice without divergent opinions and experiences. We want that and it needs to be tempered with "viva la difference." (Misspelled, I know...but poor spelling is a sign of brilliance according to Einstein.) Blessings, Luise

Welcome Home, Millie! Missed you! Blessings, Luise

Welcome to our Growing Clan, SouthernBelle. I can't understand adult children acting like that. Little kids fearing step-mom's, yes...look at what Prissy had to put up with and go through...all with no rhyme or reason. How terrible for her to have suffer such neglect.

But when the "kids" are grown, gone from home and on their own, whose business is it, anyway?  How stupid and disgusting. You made lemonade out of lemons but it cost you big time. Forgiveness is written all over your post but so is hurt. How totally unnecessary. On the other hand, it's great that your guy was worth it! Did his kids ever have the decency to apologize? Did they learn anything? Blessings, Luise

Well, P., certainly the patent on that kind of DIL should be burned and scattered at sea!
(And I won't even go to the memorial service!)

There doesn't seem to be any way out of the pain. If you close the door it will kill you and if you leave it open you will bleed to death. I never come up with anything new...refocus...and that's old. Expand your interests; take up belly dancing with a fly on the end of a pin.  Something!

Self-love will triumph. It *will*! It's real and internal where rejection is delusional and external. L.

To P. and All: The mountains in that picture are the Olympic Range and the land on the other side of our salt water bay is Camano Island. We both lived there before we married 20 years ago. Now that my husband is almost 98, I take him on drives out there often and we reminisce. (Wow! Either I actually spelled that word right or my spell-check just broke!) 

Yes, humor can be an wonderful expression of happiness. Of course there are other varieties; like dark humor, sarcastic humor and many other kinds of humor where a barb or negativity can be effectively (or ineffectively) masked but I am whimsical by nature and have a steak of mischief that is still alive and well. And is there any lovelier sound than hearing our adult children laugh? I don't think so! Blessings, Luise

I think I should have said in my last post that I was responding to Beide2Be. (I'm learning.) 

So, the rest of this is to Millie: I, too, am thinking of you and your Memorial Weekend  vacation during which you will be making your decision. I'm sending loving, healing energy your way. Blessings, Luise

You're right, P. The name-calling in your head and written down is a great way to express without defeating your own purpose by pouring fuel on the fire. I would guess that survival is your purpose. It must be awful to be able to see so clearly what is going on. Sometimes being very bright can be a liability. I am touched by the humor that you still evidence even after 16 years. There is light and beauty in you.

Thank you for your comments about my Memorial Day ritual. I can step out of my little 660 sq. ft. unit and immediately find myself in deep forest where the evergreens are well over 100 ft. tall and 100s of years old. I'm often the only one on the path that winds down to the water all the while looking out over Puget Sound through the trees. My simple ritual will be remembering those who have come and gone in my life  who have made such an impact on me.

To see what I see on my walk, go to: http://www.warmbeach.org/ The picture at the top of the page was actually taken from where I live.

Hey, you  got through it! Good for you! Name calling doesn't work for me but it's a way to blow off steam. I can imagine that the phone calls drove you nuts...they would me. I would silently want to stomp the cell phone to death.

I am sort of gearing up emotionally for Memorial Day because at my age I have more family and friends who have passed than I do ones who are still around. I want to do a little ritual and honor all of them and still keep my cool. None of them are war veterans but to me it is kind of a generic day of remembrance. Here's the "close" list...three sons counting the babies I lost and my 52 year-old who passed in 2000, my best friend who died just a week ago, two sisters and two brothers in law, my mom and dad, my mother in law and father in law and yet another brother in law and sister in law and a whole passel of pets.

Isn't it wonderful...how you hold yourself back? LOL!

Well, it seems to me that all you can do is what you're doing. My take is that the lady has some serious limitations that you have probably pegged pretty accurately. Starting over with a clean slate would take two mature people in agreement. I'm not sure you have that or can create it, unilaterally.

As far as hardening the heart, I don't know. It seems to me the heart takes a real beating when there is misunderstanding and misrepresentation and that pulling away or "hardening" is pretty much a natural survival response. We open our hearts...hoping...but it is simply unwise to keep them open if battering is what comes, masked as love or "whatever."

I'm very touched by your ability to express that marriage to anyone's son doesn't automatically guarantee an instant, deep and abiding friendship and connection between mother in law and daughter in law. Those things come, if and when they do, over a relatively long period of time as mutual respect builds. With few exceptions, there's probably no shortcut.   

I feel that you are a blessing to this site...giving us a lot to think about. I also think you are doing your best under very difficult circumstances.

Well, you could send him a card...that would let him know that you know, right? All I am suggesting is that you may be making it harder on yourself, if not others, by trying in any way to be present at the event, even as an observer.

As horrible as it sounds, they have the right to lives their lives as they choose. Someone reminded me recently, when I wrote that on MomResponds, that there is such a thing as Grandparental Rights. Apparently, you can go to an attorney, press charges and get mandatory visitation. I wonder, though, who among us would go to that extreme and how the grand kids would feel about it, if we did? It feels irreconcilable to me. That's why I have attempted to come up with suggestions and options. Blessings, Luise

Of course it's hard. Bless your heart. And you're right, you are in charge of your actions and reactions. They don't run you unless you set it up that way...you run them.

That doesn't mean you don't yearn for peace and equality and compassion and relaxed, family fun. You do. And it doesn't mean you don't deserve them. You do.

I honestly have come to believe that "having things be how they are" is the hardest lesson if life. When we ace that sucker, we're home free!

And it is possible to do that. My teacher is my husband, who has it down pat. He is the most peaceful and vertically connected person I have ever met. For most of my life I thought the best we could do was fake it. Seriously. Then I met and married him and found myself confronted by a magna cum laude college grad who was so peaceful and centered I found him intimidating! 

I'm not there yet...but I'm moving in the right direction. So are you!! Blessings, Luise