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My husband's parents moved across country about 1 ½ years ago, not long after I tried to have a frank talk with them about my feelings that caused a big blowup between us.  Since that time, I did apologize for hurting them in that way and a year later they wrote a letter apologizing to me for causing me pain.  Yet I still feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, not feeling good about staying away but wanting to protect myself and do what is good for me.  I have declined going to visit them so far and my husband has gone to visit twice without me.  I have gone back and forth in my mind about re-establishing a relationship with them and can't decide whether or not to join him on his next visit.   I thought writing down the pros and cons of going would help me decide.  However there are compelling reasons for both.    What do you think I should do? 

Reasons to go:
1.   They say that they want me to come and want to have a relationship with me and I don't want to hurt their feelings
2.   It might help me achieve closure or peace with them.
3.    I might feel good about myself if I can be with them without giving up my power or feeling bad about myself.
4.   I would like to see my husband's brother and new family.
5.   I could do some sight-seeing  in New England.
6.   I worry about how other extended family will feel about me if I never go.
7.   It's expected of me.

Reasons not to go:
1.    I dread going.
2.   I could get hurt more.
3.   I could hurt them more.
4.   My husband enjoys time spent with them on his own and I believe they enjoy it that way too.  He is not pressuring me to go and in fact has said he has said I should go for me or not at all. 
5.   I would rather spend money on an airline ticket to see someone I miss and would love to see that I haven't been able to see.
6.   I could donate the money that would be used for my airline ticket to one of my grown kids, as I know my inlaws would like to see them.   
7.   It's expected of me.

My mom went through a similar thing as Pooh with my dad, but the difference is my dad adapted and their marriage became better.  It was after they had been married for 30 years, the kids were raised and my mom was going through menopause.  My dad had been rather controlling and she had been submissive and she just decided one day that she wasn't going to be that way any more so she stopped being submissive.  For awhile there I was afraid  they were going to end up divorced but in the end my dad went to counseling with my mom and they worked it out.  I think they both ended up happier in the long run, even my dad and were married 56 years before my mom died.  It's not that he stopped trying to control right away, but my mom didn't allow it and eventually he stopped trying.  But it could go either way.

I certainly wouldn't want my children in my life if I had to take them to court and force them to be in my life! 

I agree with you Freespirit that it's harder to be detached within your marriage because you live together.  Has your husband always been critical of you and is he that way with everyone or just you?  That is something that's hard to live with because it's directed at you. You described him as a grumpy old man, so it might not actually have that much with you but it is directed at you because you are a safe target.  I wonder if he is depressed or something.  I have always gone to counseling for my problems, so I would suggest this for you.  If your husband is willing to go with you all the better but if he refuses to go you could go anyway.  You shouldn't feel like you are walking on a tightrope in your own home within your own marriage.  Have you ever told your husband that you feel this way?
My counselor has always said pepple's behavior has more to do with them than it does me and seems like a lot of the women here say the same thing.  It does help not to take their behavior and criticism personally.  It takes some of the sting out of it, but it still doesn't make it pleasant.  You deserve to have someone supporting you rather than dragging you down. 

Luise, I am so sorry about your husband. Freespirit, I am sorry you are not as happy as you'd like to be.
I have been married almost 29 years and we knew each other for 2 years prior to that.  We have definately had our ups and downs, but I too am married to my best friend.  After this many years we know each other pretty well and the thing I enjoy the most is the comfort level.  Also my husband is a pretty considerate person, so since he knows what pushes my buttons he tries not to do those things.  I feel like he knows me better than anyone else in the world... warts and all and I feel like I have total acceptance from him. 
My biggest complaint about being married for so long is the lack of excitement, surprise, sparks etc. that most people experience after being married for so long.  We don't have trouble getting along so much as keeping it exciting or passionate.  But I wouldn't trade what we do have for those things which are probably unrealistic at this stage in life.  We do still work at it though. 
The only other thing I would complain about is that he never stood up to his parents for me, but he gets that now and is doing that now.  And I'm not sure if that was really his job.  I know Dr. Phil says the offspring of the problematic inlaws should be the one to confront if there is a problem.  I feel like I should have spoken up for myself with his support. 
This was my second marriage after a brief marriage from age 20 to 22, which only happened because I was pregnant at the time.  It's my husband's first marriage. 

I don't think our children owe us at all.  I would hope my kids appreciate that I raised them and took care of them as children, but I don't want them to feel like they owe me for that.  I did it because I wanted them and loved them.  I don't think any of us would want our kids to be in our lives out of obligation.   But it does hurt to feel rejected by these adult children who we love with all of our hearts.  Try not to look at it as abandonment but as them trying to find their way in life and establish a healthy separation from us.  Both of my kids went through this and were able to come back as friends once they established that they were in control and not me.  It was a process for both of us and still ongoing at times. 
I totally understand why you aren't happy with him reuniting with his girlfriend because of the way she hurt him.  However it is his decision and he might alienate himself from you if he stays with her and you are never willing to accept this.  It might be hard now because the hurt is still fresh for you and you don't trust her, but in time that might change.  On the other hand she might hurt him again and you will be there for him.  But it's something he needs to find out and your acceptance of that might help both of you in my opinion

I would just like to add that although cheating on your son by his girlfriend was very wrong, it doesn't necessarily define her or the relationship.  I have known people who have been through this and sometimes the one who cheated regrets what they have done very deeply.  A good friend of mine had an affair and lost her husband in the process.  She later told me that she regretted what she had done, but it was too late because her husband understandably could not forgive her .  She often wished she could go back to where she was prior to the affair but it was too late for her.  My own husband was not exclusive with me early in our relationship before we got married, but I have trusted him completely since we have been married and he has not given me any reason in the years we have been married not to trust him.  I am really thankful after almost 30 years of marriage that I was able to forgive his early behavior.
Cheating is a horrible thing to do and it causes a lot of pain to the person who is cheated on, but it is a mistake that some people make. Some people regret it and are lucky enough to be given a second chance and prove themselves worth of a second chance.  It may be in her nature to cheat or it might have just been a bad mistake on her part that she reqrets very much.   I am not saying this is true for your son's girlfriend and don't know the details of the situation. 
We tend to feel protective of our children, so when someone hurts them it hurts us too.  But what if it was your son that did the cheating on his girlfriend.  Would you be able to forgive him for that? 
My inlaws knew that my husband was not exclusive with me when we were dating, but they have never held that against him, but when my SIL cheated on their other son they were done with her. 

I understand why you feel the way you do toward your son's girlfriend because of the hurt she caused your son.  I am so sorry your are experiencing this and if I were in your shoes I would probably be feeling the same way.  However your son is an adult and has apparently decided to forgive her and trust her enough to get back together.  It's his decision and even if it's not the decision you would like him to make, it's out of your control.  The relationship might not last and he might end up hurt again, or it's possible she realizes and is sorry for her mistake and the future might be good for them.  Either way it is his life and these are his decisions to make and I fear that he might become alienated from you if you don't step back and let him figure this out without further input from you. 
You have shared your concerns with him, but if you continue to try to push him away from her it could backfire and push him more toward her.
If the thought of having her in your lives makes you sick, you don't have to let her back into your life.  When your son is around, try to enjoy his company without feeling like you have to talk to him about his girlfriend. 
I know it hurts to feel abandoned in this way and so suddenly, especially since you have been very close.  However relationships between parents and their children naturally change as they become adults and sometimes it feels like abandonment when it is really just the adult child trying to achieve autonomy. 
Somewhere down the road, if your son gets married to this woman or to someone else, that person will be the most important person in the world to him and it will change your relationship with your son.  Many of us struggle with that as parents because we have loved and been so involved with our children.  But I have learned that the more I tried to hold on to the closeness I had with my children when they were young, the more alienated they became, especially my son. 

Hi stilltrying,  I have done the same as you as far as giving too much headspace to my inlaws.  Someone pointed out to me awhile back that I was ruminating too much and advised me to look it up.  I found out that that is what I was doing and it actually impaired my thinking about the situation and keeping me from forgiving and moving on.  The advice I have been given is to continually divert my thoughts whenever I start replaying all the hurts and retrain myself not to keep going there in my mind.  It had become a habit or obsession for me too.  I've never had this much conflict with anyone, so I obsessed about it, hoping to figure out a solution but in reality this kind of thinking was prolonging and intensifying my anger toward them and as a result making in less likely I would reach a resolution.  I still think about my inlaws and would still like to reach a resolution with them, but I am trying hard not to continually replay the hurts and try to shift my thoughts to the future.  I have also had to accept that I may not be able to resolve things in the way I had hoped for. 
Incidentally my counselor has suggested doing this with many of my ways of thinking.  I tend to be pretty hard and critical of myself and this has a huge impact on how I feel and I have been working on being aware of these thoughts when they pop up and replacing them with more positive thoughts about myself and retrain myself to think differently about myself.  You can do this when any persistant thoughts you have that are not good for you.

I agree with what Scoop and freespirit say about going and having a good time and not allowing DIL or anyone else's opinion about you or their behavior affect you.  That being said, we aren't all in a place where we can do that especially in relationships that have a bad history or with someone who pushes your buttons.  I have been given the same advice about being with my MIL, that I should go and hold my head high and not allow her scrutiny and criticism affect me.   I understand that it's easier said than done.  I hope to get to a place where I can do that, but I am not there.  The way I feel at this point when asked if I want to visit them is "hell no"  but then I feel guilty and think I'm being "callous or mean"  It sounds like you are feeling the same way?

It sounds like you are on speaking terms with your son.  Why not tell him you are confused and ask him why now?  I can see why you are confused.   I definately wouldn't go without having more information.  You don't know if your DIL wants you there or what her motives are for inviting you or allowing your son to invite you.  Maybe things have cooled down for your DIL and she is willing to put your differences aside for her husband and children, but you don't know that and you don't trust her.  Perhaps it's just that your son and grandkids want you there and they are winning the battle.  It does sound like your son wants you in their lives at least.
It doesn't sound like you want to go or that you want to have more interaction with your DIL and her family.  If it's working that you can see your son and grandkids without your DIL present, why change that?  You don't miss her and perhaps she doesn't miss you.  If i were in your shoes I would probably talk to my son about it.    But like others have said "go with your gut"

Pooh, it sounds like you were really patient with your DIL and I admire how you dealt with the situation with the washing machine with her.  You asked and listened to what she had to say and how she felt, while still expecting her to take care of things in your home. It's great that you were able to see that it was hard for her too.  It changes things when they live with you because it is your home and you need people to have respect for your home and the way you do things and not ruin your washer, etc.  If they had not been living with you it would be easy just to conclude that it's not your business how DIL keeps her home or how full she fills the washer and it wouldn't be a source of conflict. 
I know you felt bummed when they moved out, even though you were happy for them.  It is how it should be. 

I agree with the others.  I sent  an email letter to my MIL expressing my feelings in a way I thought would be well received and it was not well received at all.  It would be better to talk to her directly.  Also like others said, it sounds like you are pointing out what she is doing wrong and that you want her to change and I agree that it would be best when you do talk to her that you talk more about how you feel rather than what she does. Like others have said I statements work best.  And also in your letter you talk about about what she can learn from you and I am sure she can learn alot from you.  But don't assume she has more to learn from you than you have to learn from her. And she might not be interested in all of the things you would like to teach her.  You are asking asking that she get to know you and not assume she know you based on what she thinks she understands.  I would als ask yourself the same question. 
It does sound like you really want to work things out and build a better relationship with your DIL but I'm just afraid this letter might not be well received.  With some people even talking about the issues doesn't work well and with others it works out well.  With some people it might work better just to change your reactions to them while in their presense and that generally changes the relationship and the other person's reactions toward you.  Or it might be best just to address things as they come up, and talking about how you feel rather than what is wrong with her.  I'm not saying she is right in the way she is behaving, but how you approach it can make a difference between causing more hostility from her or causing her to feel more warmly toward you. 

What Luise says makes a lot of sense

Your son is an adult now and in the long run it's going to be better for him to know that he can't depend on you to take care of him and his family.  It's a tough thing to do, but it really will be better for him and his family too.  I was concerned about my son's failure to launch for awhlle too and he is much happier now that he isn't depending on us.  It's too bad they treated you so badly, but now you can take care of you and they can take care of them.  It's no longer your job.