March 28, 2024, 11:15:10 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Topics - Posey

1
I have been reading posts on here for the last 6 months, seeking a forum to see others' experiences.  This is one of the few sites that handles these issues without judgement on either side and is a lot like having coffee and talking to friends it seems.  Thank you for that. 

I started reading because I saw warning signs with my DS about halfway through this year,  his senior year in HS.   Mainly,  I overheard him tell his gf outright that he hates me and wished to move in with her and her mother.  He was walking down the steps anden he realized I was home and sitting on the couch,  he said 'I have to go' and hung up.   We had a long talk about it,  and his future plans,  and I told him my concerns and he told me his.   There were warning signs prior, with the gf,  but I never wanted to push it in a way that would push him away.  He was sincere that night,   I know him well,  but I got the distinct feeling also that he was playing two roles,  one that was expected here with me,  where he could say how he felt even if I didnt agree,  and one where it was black and white with his gf. 

Some back history, I know it helps when responding to posts,  people giving details has helped me out when reading these.   I am a single mom.  I came from a very abusive family and had my oldest out of wedlock with someone who had addiction problems,  then went on to marry an abusive man whom I had my second child with.   We divorced within 2 years,  he was convicted, but with a slap on the wrist,  and I got help and have stayed true to the healing process.  I didnt want my kids becoming statistics too.  I regret always that I didnt get help sooner,  now more than ever, so that I didnt bring children into a dynamic like that. 

The oldest's father has been in and out of his life since age 2, due to his addictions.  I encouraged DS to keep in touch during the times of estrangement but he became obstinate about it around age 16, so I only occasionally asked him to do so, respecting his feelings,  but at the same time making sure he knew I was not alienating him.  This was a continual thing with his father.  He would syop coming or contacting him then tell him/scapegoat me that I was somehow the cause of it and used the word 'alienate' a lot.  I grew up as a scapegoated child,  its not a fun dynamic. 

Last year,  his father was incarcerated for drug use and sexually assaulting a minor.   I broke it to him in stages,  and made sure he had a support system in place.   He turned down an offer of therapy.

He did witness the abuse in my marraige to his brother's father.  Even witnessed my being arrested after one such time,  after his stepfather made a false report to cover himself, and no doubt re-establish control, when I said I was leaving him after he hit me.  I thought that getting out, and showing by example,  that he eould learn better skills.   I put him in therapy then too,  I went also to sessions,  family and individual.   I thought I was doing everything right. 

What no one prepares you for is that my XH went on to sue for sole custody of my YDS anywhere between 2 and 5 times a year for the last 9 years.   I was continually being drug into court,  had no money for the continual expense (my XH had a trust fund anddidn't work,  so did  not pay child support but had a lot of money for legal and lawyers), and my custody has been wittled down gradually over this time.  The final blow came when last year my YDS came to me from XH with dried blood in his nose,  scrapes on his face and what was shortly disgnosed as a concussion.   He told the doctor he was hit by dad,  hard.  It was even on the right side of his face,  XH is left handed.   They reported it to OCY (office of children and youth),  CYS told me to file a protective order,  then went on to clear him of the charges.   Something I didnt know at the time was the statistics for children reporting abuse.  Family courts,  70% of the time,  remove reporting children from the protective parent's custody,  and give the accused full/sole custody.   The statistics can easily be found by googling 'abusers getting custody', The Leadership Project and American Bar Asdociation themselves have put out the statistics.   But I didnt know this myself,  when I followed OCY's directives to file, so Im sure many of you dont know either.
A seperate judge has since told me that there is no way to 'earn back custody' as she could not find a way for me to improve listed.  Basically,  for example,  if I had a drug issue,  I could enroll in a drug program.   But as I had no stated reasons for losing custody,  there is nothing to fix or work on.

So,  basically in one year,  my DS was faced with his father's incarceration and his stepfather getting away with harming his brother,  and losing him too (our custody was reduced severely from about half to 15-20%).  He was vunerable.