Hi Beloved WWUers,
Here is an update on my experience of having my beloved husband, Val, age 98, admitted to our nursing facility on March 31st.
Initially, it was like a divorce (of which I have had considerable experience) and my heart felt like I would never recover. But time heals and I now know that "Care Giver Syndrome" is something that deserves a lot of respect.
Val is happy and content. He likes his room and his room mate, the food, and the staff. I visit twice a day, once taking over his little Chihuahua, "Me, Too" and once to walk the halls with him to support his continued mobility.
I am allowed to do little things for him like hydration, hearing aid and dental bridge maintenance...etc. so I still feel like I am contributing to his well being. And little, by little, I am accepting this as "what is" and creating a continued relationship that is meaningful to both of us.
While I was in transition, I put his picture up by my name so you could visualize him and today I've changed it back to my picture. I deeply appreciate your interest, prayers and incantations, "atta girl" posts and intentions. Bless your hearts one and all for helping me over this latest bump in the road of life.
Sending love,
Luise
Quote from: luise.volta on May 11, 2010, 10:00:39 AM
Hi Beloved WWUers,
Here is an update on my experience of having my beloved husband, Val, age 98, admitted to our nursing facility on March 31st.
Initially, it was like a divorce (of which I have had considerable experience) and my heart felt like I would never recover. But time heals and I now know that "Care Giver Syndrome" is something that deserves a lot of respect.
Val is happy and content. He likes his room and his room mate, the food, and the staff. I visit twice a day, once taking over his little Chihuahua, "Me, Too" and once to walk the halls with him to support his continued mobility.
I am allowed to do little things for him like hydration, hearing aid and dental bridge maintenance...etc. so I still feel like I am contributing to his well being. And little, by little, I am accepting this as "what is" and creating a continued relationship that is meaningful to both of us.
While I was in transition, I put his picture up by my name so you could visualize him and today I've changed it back to my picture. I deeply appreciate your interest, prayers and incantations, "atta girl" posts and intentions. Bless your hearts one and all for helping me over this latest bump in the road of life.
Sending love,
Luise
Luise, hello and thank y ou for the update....I'm glad to hear you are somewhat more relaxed about this....I know it's hard, b/c I saw my mother go thru it...however, I think you do know, your doing what is best for Val....and that is what is important....
I'm so glad you shared this with us...thank you
Creme
Thank you also Luise, for sharing that with us.
I'm glad your transition is getting easier,and you are accepting "what is"
I just love the relationship you and Val have,it always touches my heart!
I hope your ankle is getting better also.
Sending you a hug
The love between you two warms my heart. To witness your process of accepting and adjusting to life and love's change is inspiring.
You've always spoken of the miracles of love. That you speak this from your experience is true wisdom. Love, love, love.
Thank you one and all. What a marvelous community we have!
Luise,
Thanks for the update. Good for you for making the best of a difficult situation! Val still gets your special attention and you still get to feel that bond with him while showing him your true love. There is a sense of satisfaction in caring for those we love, isn't there? I appreciate your great example for us to learn from........... what a treasure.
Love you! Hope
Luise,
After you have helped so many of us over the "bumps in the road of life," how could we not respond?
You are a true role model in so many ways, wise and comforting, but never more so than in regard to your
treatment of Val. Both of you are so lucky to have each other.
Age 98!!! How absolutely wonderful! There is a couple down the road from us who walk hand in hand each day; he is 94. God truly gives us a
gift with such of the beautiful elderly. I am sorry Val does not live with you any longer, but feel your happiness to still have him with you.
Sending good karma,
Kathleen
I feel the love and thank you all so much! We take a walk in the hall every day...holding hands, too !
Luise, you precious world of wisdom and grace, how is Val doing?
Luise,
Good for Val and you to be making a positive transition out of one that could be negative. He is still with you on this planet and that's what counts most, don't you think? You are both fortunate to have each other.
One thing I want to say having watched others in the caretaker role is to take very good care of yourself. It's easy to get emotionally and physically exhausted. I am sure you know this, but just wanted to reaffirm it.
Lots of baskets of flowers to Val and you, including spring shasta daisies from my garden now growing in a massive border along the back of our yard,
Kathleen
you've got my flowers, hugs, love and well wishes to...
it's so comforting to see a couple as yourselves...
God bless you both!!! And thank you for sharing your life with us
Much love to you and Val! You give so much of yourself to all of us. We really appreciate you, Luise!
Hugs to you both, Hope
Thanks so much for your lovely and supportive posts. You have no idea how much they comfort me...
The hardest thing about the last eleven years of care giving has been my unacknowledged denial. I really thought I was being realistic about my limits. I could clearly see others going too far and burning themselves out; on duty 24/7...some even dying before their loved ones and some becoming a hollow shell, permanently...having gone way past recovery.
Yet someplace within me was a silent commitment to keep Val at home in familiar surroundings with his wife and dog...long after his level of awareness required or even valued that. After he was admitted, I tried to recreate and maintain some level of intimacy by having supper with him every night and when a lack of space in the nursing dining room dictated it was no longer possible for us to have our "table-for-two", I crashed again and it took me a while to see that it was meaningful to me...not Val. Again he's not aware enough for it to matter that much.
He likes my visits but doesn't relate to the time of day or whether it's my first visit or last. What we do doesn't seem relevant. I keep learning. It's not a learning "curve", it's seems perpendicular, to me.
You are such a strong, caring, loving and thoughtful person Luise. I only hope that if I ever get to the place you are at in life, that I can do everything that you do for people with such dignity and compassion.
It seems as Mothers, Wives, Daughters, and Friends, we will push ourselves to the very edge for the people we love even if it means sacraficing our own time, money and health. And we are usually the last to see what we are doing to ourselves. Some people may say that makes us stupid and blind, I say that makes us compassionate and human. I am sorry your suppers didn't work out but glad you realized that it doesn't matter what you do with him, just visiting him is the important thing for both of you.
God bless you Luise and my thoughts and prayers go up daily for you both. You are truly an angel.
You are so kind. Actually, I think I have a little devil on one shoulder like Orly does. There is often dissension in the ranks. ;D >:( ;D ;D >:(
I think there's something beautiful in what you just wrote. It's not the time of day, the tables for two, and the trimmings that matter to Val. It's having you. I think that speaks so much to who you and Val are that when things start getting a bit hazy, the thing that's clear is his love for you and the thing that matters most is your love for him. There's just something so pure in that. I picture you and him walking the halls hand in hand, and it seems like it should be a photo on some inspirational calendar with the words "dedication" or "enduring" or "forever" written beneath it. You and Val are both in my prayers. (((HUGS)))
And your post brought me to tears, Clover. There is something so precious in being heard and acknowledged. So many of you have offered me that and I can't tell you what a difference it makes. You walk with me in some way.
Quote from: Pooh on May 27, 2010, 06:33:15 AM
You are such a strong, caring, loving and thoughtful person Luise. I only hope that if I ever get to the place you are at in life, that I can do everything that you do for people with such dignity and compassion.
It seems as Mothers, Wives, Daughters, and Friends, we will push ourselves to the very edge for the people we love even if it means sacraficing our own time, money and health. And we are usually the last to see what we are doing to ourselves. Some people may say that makes us stupid and blind, I say that makes us compassionate and human. I am sorry your suppers didn't work out but glad you realized that it doesn't matter what you do with him, just visiting him is the important thing for both of you.
God bless you Luise and my thoughts and prayers go up daily for you both. You are truly an angel.
How true, Pooh. It's hard to turn it off when one has been giving on that level for so long.
Luise, I think a lot of us are in denial about our strength and our limits. We are hardwired? taught? to give and give and give until there's nothing left. I'm glad you figured it out before you became one of the "empty shell" women. I'm still working on it...thanks for sharing your insights with us. You are amazing!
Yes, and I think that the ego gets in there too and refuses to give up. We have an equal number of men here in my community that have burned out being amazing care givers for their wives. Once you start...once you take it on, there is no way to stop. It's like an avalanche but you think you can beat the odds and stay on top of it.
So it becomes our identity?...and we don't know how we'll exist without the label we've put on ourselves? I guess that phenomenon works in many areas such as parenthood, marriage, employment, etc. Helicopter parents, "Donna Reed" wives, workaholics are perhaps going through a similar thing...lots to think about here.
Some of our DILs are trying to deal with this early on, I think, and good for them...although sometimes they may feel the need to go a little overboard in protecting their autonomy, and that can seem harsh to us older folks. It'll even out as everyone gets used to it, I hope...DILs won't feel as threatened by our desire to maintain a relationship with them and our DSs, and we'll understand that our DILs are trying to avoid the loss of self that some of us have experienced even though we may have known better and tried mightily to avoid it (we did go through the Women's Movement, after all.)
Again, I'm thinking out loud. If I'm not making any sense, I'm sure someone will gently let me know :)
Thought provoking, Pen. For me there is a fine line between something becoming my identity and something becoming my mission. They both may look the same but I don't think I lost my identity in care giving. This forum, my counseling Website, (www.MomResponds.com), the designing of my new Web-forum almost ready to launch (www.vintageRVforum.com) and the book I am writing (Aging with Wisdom)...plus my relationships with family, friends and community remained consistent as expressions of my self during the last eleven years of care giving. So did my love of solitude, reading "brain-candy" mysteries and going to Curves for workouts. Unless I'm missing something, it wasn't an identify crisis. It was probably partially cultural, however...my generation, born in the 1920s and living through the Great Depression, is a stubborn one.
Luise,
You never cease to amaze me! You - right now at age 83(?) - are doing more single-handedly than most people do at the prime of their life. I would feel overwhelmed just doing one of the big projects you are juggling. And you don't know how to do anything half way.......I'm sure each project is done with enthusiasm. Where do you get your energy? And to think you are doing all this while being a care-giver. I'm sure while working on the most challenging stages of these projects you were the primary care-giver for Val. You are still a partial care-giver with your two visits a day. I'm 55 years old and tire so easily. I've gained weight over the past 8 years from my inactivity and seem to do less and less each year out of pure tiredness. When I was less than 45 years old, I had sooooo much energy - I felt like I could do anything. Not any more. I told my doctor, but he says it's just age. What is your secret?
Hugs, Hope
Sweet Hope - Cyber-relationships can be misleading...and full of misconceptions. Everything I wrote is true. I don't think I lost my identity in care giving but...I very nearly lost my life. I will try to give you a different perspective.
Val is in nursing because after 11 years of care giving and "pushing through" my mounting fatigue, I simply dropped. I wept without reason...my energy was so low that I was unable to converse. It felt like I did not have the strength to breathe. When an insurance caseworker who was assigned to Val, suggested a home nursing service evaluate our situation with "respite time" for me in mind, I was shocked to realize that it wouldn't help because if I had any time when I was not on red-alert, I would be too tired to do anything with it except lie down...and when I got up, nothing would have changed. Our staff social worker here offered three days respite for me where Val would be admitted to nursing and I could be alone. (I wasn't sleep-deprived, I was just burned out.) Then she realized that I needed the maximum, which was two weeks. And finally as I sat in her office trying to sign up for that, weeping and unable to speak, we both realized that Val had to be moved into nursing permanently and that I might have passed the point of no return.
That happens here a lot; either the loved one out-lives that care giver because all of the care giver's reserves have been used up and he/she dies...or when help is sought, it is too late, and the care giver never recovers and is just a shuffling, lifeless shell for the rest of his/her life. I could see it in others but not in the mirror.
I have written about this on WWU and have left the site for extended periods of time...and have stopped my work on www.MomResponds.com, letting questions pile up there on several occasions.
Val has been in nursing now for two months and I am still very marginal. Yes, I visit him twice a day and walk our pup three or four times a day...yes, I post here and have caught up on my questions "over there"...but my ankle hasn't healed properly from the fracture of Nov. 20th and my energy is very minimal and unreliable. I can't drive far or walk far. I eat my evening meals over in our assisted care unit on my way over to see Val the second time because shopping and cooking are beyond me. It's going to be a long, slow process...I can see that clearly and I am still facing eventual loss.
Where you are concerned, I would not accept that fatigue is "normal" at 55. You are Kirk's age and the age of several of my closest friends and "sort of" kids. There is a reason for you fatigue whether it is medical or something else (or even a combination of reasons) and you need to look for it and get you Life Force back. If I can do it at 83, you can do it! Look closely, journal, pray and see a wise counselor. I started a whole new life at 62 when Val and I married...you can get yourself back! Sending love...
Luise,
Reading your last post, I realize I have very quickly imposed on you some vision in my mind of an unending tower of strength.
And you are not. You are finite in your ability to cope with life problems, as we all are. But from somewhere you have summoned the strength to give us this web site and these connections that have helped so much.
I know what you mean about a broken bone not healing. Last winter, I fell down on the granite step of our new retirement home and cracked a rib. The house we worked so long and hard for, that was going to give me such strength and solitude with nature, backed up and bit hard. The pain was excruciating and for two weeks never seemed to end; no sleep, loss of appetite, etc., etc.. I ran into a young woman in a supermarket and apologized to her for my slowness in taking my items out of the cart--she was behind me-- and she said, "Oh, don't worry, my husband cracked three ribs in a motorcycle accident." This was an interesting connection since one of the worst aspects of life in New Hampshire are the bikes with open pipes that crack through beloved silence and damage birds and other wildlife, and I have very strong feelings about the bikers that do that, but she and I made a human connection and I asked, "So how long did it take for his ribs to heal?"and she said, "Six months," and I thought, wow. I'm not even half way there yet, and he's in his 20's. And then this weekend I met with my 86-year-old friend in New York City and she told me her broken rib of 40 years ago still gives her trouble!!! So "healing" is a relative term that we must learn to live with, and frankly, Luise, at our age, any broken bones that do not cause serious disability or worse are a lucky star. It means osteoporosis has not set in. It's a good omen, the way I look at it.
But you are suffering far worse burdens than your ankle. You have, as you note, the classic and terrible burnout from being the caretaker to a loved one. Luise, you need some fun in your life. Can you define that? Can you provide yourself with some relief from your feeling of responsibility for Val? He loves you---what would he want? Maybe it would be a day totally away for shopping or a visit to a museum or a library or a sports event, whatever gave you pleasure both before and with your life with Val. Maybe it would even be two weeks away to really rest. Can you give yourself permission to enjoy life again, even in increments, even for a while? Because you so much deserve to be able to do that, and I would do much like to read that you have.
In one of my previous posts I urged you to take care of yourself as a way of taking care of Val. That's because a very VERY close friend of ours destroyed our friendship over his obsession with his wife with Alzheimer's. I know you would not do something like this and perhaps I should not even hint at this, but the loss of this friendship was so devastating to me. He could not let go and I watched his health decline and I watched as he lost so many relationships. You would never do this, but I hope you can see how you need to avoid all such consequences.
I am concerned about what you describe as the cumulative effect of "pushing through." Luise, I don't agree with you that if you have time out from "red alert" you would be too tired to "do anything but lie down." You should, please, I hope, give yourself permission to find some distance from the situation in order to come back truly refreshed. You MUST give up the "either-or" scenario you describe and find other options to cope. Maybe this would involve giving yourself permission to take a much-needed vacation to a spot you might truly love. Really getting away.
Know that I say these things because I know them to be the truth, and because I have, in such a short time, come to care so much about you, because of what you have given to me and obviously to so many others,
Baskets of flowers,
xoxo
Kathleen
Hope, it isn't just old age at your age...not that I'm qualified to say, but I'd get a second opinion. I'd been feeling older than I should and it turned out to be thryoid and stress related, so you never know. We should always have these things checked out, I think. Quality of life, and all that. Best wishes; you deserve a vibrant, healthy life!
Luise, thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts on the subject of caregiver burnout. As the parent of a disabled child I know a little about this from a slightly different perspective. I ruined my health (see above) trying to do it all. I had no choice for many years; we couldn't get any help from any agency. Also, there's guilt about asking for time away from one's child; one feels like a selfish, unfit parent. Now that my child is living away from us (she's an adult) I'm slowly starting to heal, but it's taking a long time. Some of the damage is irreversible; it's hard to realize that, but I'm trying to deal with what is instead of what could have been. (I didn't ruin my health through hedonism, just martyrdom, so that's something, eh?)
There's a saying regarding parenting a disabled child that refers to "mourning daily the death of the perfect child" or something to that effect. Do you think it's similar being the caregiver of an adult with dementia or another degenerative disease?
Thank you, Kathleen - Wish I knew how to do paragon but I don't have a clue. ???
Thank you so much for caring and sharing.
The care giving exhaustion and "pushing through" it are behind me. I visit Val twice a day for a total of 2 - 3 hours and the other 22 are focused on my healing. I don't have the energy to go to events or to even leave the campus but I have scheduled two trips in September just for the pure joy of anticipation. One is to see a friend for two days and the other is a three day/four night cruise: Seattle, WA/Astoria, OR/Victoria, B.C/Seattle, WA. I don't plan on going ashore for tours because it is all familiar territory but...I have booked a room with a balcony so I can sit out there and enjoy being at sea while spoiling myself with room service. ;D ;D I love to read brain-candy-mysteries and interact on the Web...so a great deal of the time I am just resting. We have Sit Aerobics here, Flexibility and Balance classes and water exercises in our indoor pool so I am not sedentary. Slow but sure.
I've seen endless examples of care giver burn-out here where the care givers actually pre-deceased their loved ones or those left behind..pretty much ending up empty shells, shuffling through what left of their days with no reserves to even address recovery. I was warned...but like everyone else, I was in denial because I couldn't give Val up while I could still stand.
It's all behind me now but any exertion and I'm flat again. It may be a long road back. My son and DIL are coming to WA (home is Kauai) for the summer months. Their place is just 7 miles down the road and that will be wonderful.
Not to worry. Of course, Val is becoming less and less aware...but he still enjoys my visits with his pup and our walks in the halls together. It feels like he is slowly leaving but there is nothing I can do except support that and admire his remarkable Grace.
Pen - Yes, I really think it's two sides of the same coin. I agree that some of the damage is irreversible and that dealing with "what is" is all we can do. My heart goes out to you because my situation is about the normal course of events and yours wasn't. I also believe that there's a gift someplace in care giving. Maybe not at the time but we are forced to tap resources others may never even realize they have. Bless your heart!
Thanks, Luise. The way DH and I see it, every child comes with his/her own set of needs, so as parents you deal with them. For some there are resources readily available, for some we must work a little harder. We didn't even think about it, we just did it - now that I have some breathing room I wonder how we survived :P
Enjoy your trip. It sounds wonderful.
Pen - I can only hope that I am able to go on that cruise. It isn't until late September. There's no way I could do it now...but I love the anticipation! It's a huge ship but there will be about 50 of us going from Warm Beach Retirement and that feels good to me. I'm not up for going it alone....(most of the rest aren't, either.) Our activity director is going, too. We will be taken down to Seattle on a bus and brought back here, etc. I like that.
I haven't gone anywhere on vacation in 11 years...so it's high time!
Three days on the water and three months to look forward to it!! ;D ;D ;D
GREAT to read! I am so glad you are thinking cruise. It certainly is HIGH TIME.
I am glad you have this plus your visiting this summer to look forward to.
Kathleen
Quote from: luise.volta on May 27, 2010, 09:56:47 AM
You are so kind. Actually, I think I have a little devil on one shoulder like Orly does. There is often dissension in the ranks. ;D >:( ;D ;D >:(
Yes Luise, you do have that little devil...you just keep him in line better than I do mine!
Well, I'm a couple of years older! ;D 8) :o
I'm sending up tons of good vibes so that you do go on that cruise...you deserve it Luise!
We're all rootin for you!!!
Thank you so much. My energy is pretty non-existent, which often happens to long-term caregivers...but I have three months to move ahead in the healing process. Fifty of us are going from here along with our activity director, so I will have support close at hand. :)
Luise, I am very new to this site. In a such a short time you have inspired me
more than anyone has in my entire life. I am 48 and I now I feel life has just begun.
there is so much to look forward to. ( I haven't always felt that way.) Be kind to yourself you give so
much to others.
Thankyou for sharing with us and enjoy the cruise.
It is nearly time for full payment for the cruise and I am waffling. I don't see a lot of improvement, energetically...if any. Many tell me it takes years and you don't ever get back to where you were but I plan to. ;) At 83 you just don't bounce back...it's more like a crawl. And of course I am still going over to nursing to see Val twice a day. He continues to decline. He didn't recognize his kids on Father's Day. But he is content and at peace. Bless his heart.
If you didn't have the the low energy problem, would you be waffling? Don't get me wrong, I know you want to have energy to go and enjoy yourself, but if you truly want to go.....GO! You so deserve it and I think it might help recharge your batteries some to go. So all stumbling blocks aside, do you want to go?
No, not feeling the way I do. I tire too quickly and a good night's sleep doesn't right it. I have no reserves. I should have put Val into nursing about three years ago...I have been care taking for eleven years...and ran on "empty" too long. We see it here all the time...by the time a spouse is put into nursing, there's no saving the care taker. I'm going to be the exception to the rule. I am! :)
Bless your heart. I know you are not looking for sympathy and even though you know you should have done something three years ago, you are such a giving person you were doing what you thought was best for him at the time. I know you are going to be the exception to the rule! ;D
Thank you. I could see it in others...going to far for too long...but I couldn't let go until I was unable to function. I see in retrospect that I was preserving a lifestyle that Val was no longer aware enough to value but I didn't know that. We often see care givers die before their loved ones here. Until I was reduced to being unable to do anything but cry, (and I'm not a crier) I didn't see it in myself.
Ok, so make an alternate plan....hmmm. Let's see....we could have our own WWU convention somewhere in say, two years. There will be Japanese Tea, a slip and slide and Oreos. My kind of convention! Lol.
Lots of love to you Luise and I am so honored that you choose to share your stories, words of wisdom and experiences with us.
Just remember, dear one, that if the members didn't show up, I would be sitting here posting to myself! Thanks so much! :)
Luise,
I stumbled upon your site last week and finally decided to post last night. Then today I am looking at recent posts and saw this post about your husband. I just have 5 words to say, YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN! I am so sorry to hear about Val. My 80 yr old mother is in a nursing home ten miles from me and in the home there are a few spouses in your same situation. I cannot even imagine. My mother has declined a lot lately, she still knows who I am but we spend a lot of quiet time together lately, she just drifts off mentally in her own little world. Its not easy being the caregiver and then making the decision to finally ask for help. I am sure the guilt was overwhelming at first. I know mine was when I made the decision to place my mother in a nursing home. I know for myself, I have a huge "caregiving" type personality and a major theme in my life is "guilt". I tend to carry the burden of the world on my shoulders. I just wanted to take a few minutes to commend you for all you have done for Val over the last 11 years at home and what you continue to do while you live apart in residences but not in your hearts. I also want to thank you for being the person behind the screen who has been there for so many when they felt like no one else was there to hear their trials and tribulations. Thank you so much! I believe I will be here at your site for a very long time. Your new friend (and neighbor) on a little island in the Puget Sound with a Naval Air Station. Hugs, Sandy
Well, we're glad you're here! :) I am three years older than your mother and Val will be 99 in October. It's a tough scene, not matter the age or how you're related. Bless your heart for hanging in there with her.
Quote from: luise.volta on May 30, 2010, 10:27:11 AM
Sweet Hope - Cyber-relationships can be misleading...and full of misconceptions. Everything I wrote is true. I don't think I lost my identity in care giving but...I very nearly lost my life. I will try to give you a different perspective.
Val is in nursing because after 11 years of care giving and "pushing through" my mounting fatigue, I simply dropped. I wept without reason...my energy was so low that I was unable to converse. It felt like I did not have the strength to breathe. When an insurance caseworker who was assigned to Val, suggested a home nursing service evaluate our situation with "respite time" for me in mind, I was shocked to realize that it wouldn't help because if I had any time when I was not on red-alert, I would be too tired to do anything with it except lie down...and when I got up, nothing would have changed. Our staff social worker here offered three days respite for me where Val would be admitted to nursing and I could be alone. (I wasn't sleep-deprived, I was just burned out.) Then she realized that I needed the maximum, which was two weeks. And finally as I sat in her office trying to sign up for that, weeping and unable to speak, we both realized that Val had to be moved into nursing permanently and that I might have passed the point of no return.
That happens here a lot; either the loved one out-lives that care giver because all of the care giver's reserves have been used up and he/she dies...or when help is sought, it is too late, and the care giver never recovers and is just a shuffling, lifeless shell for the rest of his/her life. I could see it in others but not in the mirror.
I have written about this on WWU and have left the site for extended periods of time...and have stopped my work on www.MomResponds.com, letting questions pile up there on several occasions.
Val has been in nursing now for two months and I am still very marginal. Yes, I visit him twice a day and walk our pup three or four times a day...yes, I post here and have caught up on my questions "over there"...but my ankle hasn't healed properly from the fracture of Nov. 20th and my energy is very minimal and unreliable. I can't drive far or walk far. I eat my evening meals over in our assisted care unit on my way over to see Val the second time because shopping and cooking are beyond me. It's going to be a long, slow process...I can see that clearly and I am still facing eventual loss.
Where you are concerned, I would not accept that fatigue is "normal" at 55. You are Kirk's age and the age of several of my closest friends and "sort of" kids. There is a reason for you fatigue whether it is medical or something else (or even a combination of reasons) and you need to look for it and get you Life Force back. If I can do it at 83, you can do it! Look closely, journal, pray and see a wise counselor. I started a whole new life at 62 when Val and I married...you can get yourself back! Sending love...
Luise, I apologize for my long absence. I just saw your post. I have thought often of you and my other wwu friends in the time that lapsed. I get lost in this site and find myself unwilling to do anything else when I get wrapped up in it. I had to take a break as the workload at my job has been relentless and things at home are hopping more than usual. Among other things, we are having a baby couples shower at our house this Saturday and the planning has been a time hog. Reading over your post describing your fatigue and set back has given me a new appreciation for what care givers go through. I'm so thankful that you sought professional help and that you did what had to be done - settling Val into the nursing home. I see you as an incredible woman - with so much to offer. You have given of yourself not only to Val, but to everyone in your life, including us. I'm so happy to hear that you plan to go on a cruise. I think it will do you good to go and relax. It's about time you took care of Luise! And going with an organized group that will be handling the details is a great idea! The food alone will be a piece of heaven. Go, go, go! Taking each day in little bite size pieces will get you through it and back to the Luise you once knew. Love you! Hope
Great to hear from you Hope. You were missed. And life does go on! ;) I hope the shower is a great success. I read about it on another thread today.
I have canceled the cruise because I don't see the improvement, energy-wise, that I would have to make to be able to do it. There will be other ones, I'm sure. I spoke before a large group on Sat. and it put me under. No reserves.
The good news is that my son, Kirk, our webmaster, (who lives in Kauai,) and his Sandy will be here next week and they will stay for three months. They have a little place seven miles down the road because they don't like Hawaiian summers...(thank heaven!) :) I am going to live that! ;D
Val's son and daughter were here for Father's Day and he didn't know them. Difficult times...but he is safe and content. Sending love...
What a dear friend you have become. Thank you. I am fine as long as I remember that healing comes first. :D
Dear Luise, when you wrote that you had remarried again about 60 years of age (I think I have that right -- not positive), I thought, "Well, a lot of older women just don't like living alone." (Because that's been my experience with us older ones. A lot of us just want to get hooked up again.) I don't know why it never crossed my mind that you might really love Val. And you so obviously do love him. I am so deeply touched by your posts.
I have a new friend who married a man 28 years older than herself, 28 years ago, when she was 30 and he was 58. She's now 58 and he's now 86 and he's not doing well. But she says she wouldn't have missed these years with him for anything.
I envy you both. And I'm thinking that maybe it isn't too late for me to love again. BUT, on the other hand, I don't think I could face losing that Loved One. I've always said that at least I don't have to worry about that anymore and probably never again. AND YET -- maybe it's worth it.
All I know for certain right now is that, as much as I love growing older, 'growing older is certainly not for sissies', as the book title states. And you are growing older beautifully and courageously.
Know that you and Val are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Fran
Thank you so much. Yes, I was 62 and Val was 78 when we married. And it was/is totally worth it! :)
BUT YOU MARRIED AN ITALIAN! :o (I'm Italian -- I can joke about it!) ;D
Ok, I'm going to have to clean myself up a bit and open my eyes and see what's out there. :P Maybe join a Bridge club? ;)
On a serious note, if it's not too personal (and it may be), would you tell us how you and Val met?
Love,
Fran
I retired at 60 and became a full time RVer. A mutual friend knew Val and his wife and after she died, tried to get us together. We both balked. I loved my independence and he was buried in match-makers. Finally, we both agreed to lunch to shut her up. :o We had five lunches over a three month period, when I was in Washington State visiting my adult sons. When I was on a trip to Hawaii celebrating my 62 birthday, he called me there and asked if I liked dating. I said, "No! It is so contrived and limiting." He said, "Me, too, so let's get married and get acquainted later!" My plane landed, we got a license and after the three-day wait, we married. The rest is history! ;D
That is so sweet!
Quote from: luise.volta on June 26, 2010, 10:44:57 AM
He said, "Me, too, so let's get married and get acquainted later!" My plane landed, we got a license and after the three-day wait, we married. The rest is history! ;D
High risk, of course...but we were both up for it. 8)
What a great story. Why am I not surprised you did this. :D
Yes, it may have been high risk, but as someone recently said (Wayne Gretsky?): we miss 100% of the shots we don't take. ;) And I am a firm believer in not marrying someone I'm 'in love' with. Been there/done that. I'll marry a friend and let love grow. Like my mother always said (and I did not pay attention LOL), we will grow to love a good man who is good to us.
Ah, wise Italian Mama! 8)
Ok, love the story Luise! I will tell you guys mine sometime (2nd husband) but I have decided that doing it backwards is wonderful!
Val is my 5th husband! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
5!!!!!!! No wonder you are so wise!!!!!! Lol.
Yes...I always say..."I'm a slow learner!" But the truth is I married the right person every time and then outgrew them. I guess the staus quo is pretty comfortable for most men and inner grown doesn't beckon. Not true with Val.
Luise -- you've been married *5* times???!!! And I have always felt a tad bad because I am twice divorced. I gotta get over this and get out there and find a good man! LOLOLOL I am wasting good time! ;)
Love you
Fran
Go get 'em, girl!! 8)
Go Bella.....Go Bella.....your name is.....close to Stella......so get your groove on!