Hi guys ......
Think I would like your take on my DD ......
for those who know my history on here , they will know the difficulties I had with my FDIL and my GD ,( limited access) to make
a long story short .
During this time my own DD took it upon herself to become the mama bear towards me and got very involved against
my wishes in protecting , she thought, my feelings against anyone who dared to upset me .
In doing this , some nasty things were said to my FDIL and consequently a war of words was had leaving a nasty after taste between the two .
Fast forward 6 months , when my Ds and his family came to live with me through financial difficulties , plus they got married .
Now .....my DD went reluctantly to the wedding , got drunk and became quite abusive while hitching a lift with the bride and groom .
After hearing about this the following day , I told her how wrong she was and how unacceptable her behaviour was .Her DB
was now married and she had to accept the fact and move on .
She didn't congratulate the couple or her DB , she didn't give any gift or card , and has yet to apologise !
She has also stopped communicating with me , her portable bank !
I know she acted out of love initially for me , trying to protect me when all the chaos was happening .
However , if I can move on , I think she should too .
She and her brother have been very close , like forever , so I think the green eyed monster has
captured my DD and changed her personality completely .
She now acts like the world is against her , and I dislike the person she is becoming .We were also very
close .
I would appreciate my wise women's take on all this . It kinda ruined the wedding , also her relationship with her
DB , not to mention me .
Oh Lancaster Lady, I'm so sorry to hear this happened.
My take is that she is an adult and is responsible for the consequences of her actions. The natural consequence here is that her DB and new wife pull away from her and that's tough lesson to swallow. Anything less and I think she wouldn't really learn anything from this other than she can behave horribly and get away with it. Hopefully, she'll take something positive from this.
Hubby's sister behaved similarly at our wedding. I know part of it was b/c MIL was complaining to her about our decisions and she took it upon herself to be Mama Bear. It didn't endear her to me. And DH said this is par for the course for her and she's been like that since they were kids. He thinks it had nothing to do with MIL complaining to her, if MIL hadn't done that...DH said she still would have done something to get attention. That this was her personality.
Is it possible your DD has issues with attention?
Oh my. One of my sister's brought her drunk boyfriend to my wedding and my only male cousin stayed drunk in a van during it too! However, your DS having to have his sister drunk at his own wedding, is not something he will forget, nor his wife. It sounds to me like your daughter may be jealous of her SIL. Her new SIL is getting a closer relationship than your DD had with her brother. It sounds to me like your daughter can't handle not having that close relationship anymore. Perhaps in some way her brother was her anchor in life and now she feels she is adrift and floating around. The getting drunk part, meant she couldn't handle this change perhaps. Girlfriends can easily be dumped and she was not threatened so much by them perhaps, but a wife is not so easy to dump and then come children that she will also have to compete with for her brother's attention. Is there a chance she used her brother as some kind of anchor in life, when she had no one else her age to confide in?
I would step back...way back. They are having growing pains. Achieving adulthood is no "walk in the park" as we all know. It's what's up for them. Leave them to it...with love in your heart...and get on withyour life.
Dear, Dear, LL, so sorry for you!!! But you are strong and a real survivor! I am sorry also but I almost burst out laughing about the drunk episode! We all have these drama issues going on in our family, let them work it out themselves, I think your DD is probably a little needy for your attention and possessive, and its probably just her personality. People have short memories all in all, and time will heal. You will be fine. Send all of them out to your peripheral vision.
Hi Ruth ....
wish I could see the funny side of it too .....
She is my youngest and has always been spoilt , she is 28 and unattached and perhaps jealous of the newly married couple .
Also the fact they are staying with me , getting a free ride as she called it !
However , I bought her the dress for the wedding , also paid for a two night stay in a posh hotel , without a thankyou !
Her take was ...I didn't want to go anyway ..!
I wish I had a big naughty step , 'cos she would be glued to it !
Still no contact .....think I'll try the ''Whatever'' phrase for a change .
I have to say that, even though my DB had moved out and moved in with his fiancee, it didn't hit home that he was "gone" until the wedding. I did have a bit to drink, and I cried and cried, because I really felt like I was "losing" my brother. They were gone at this point and I don't think I ruined the wedding or anything.
So LL, maybe it just 'hit home' for your DD that her DB is a married man now? And I'm sure there was some jealousy about still being single, with no prospects in sight. At 28 she's probably feeling her biological clock ticking too. Right? So, a year to meet someone, a year to date them, a year engaged, and maybe a year or 2 as a couple before having kids - she's already at 33 y/o by then.
LL - you know her best, how would this work for her? What if you apologized to her, for complaining to her or unloading on her when times were tough between you and DS? What if you apologized for triangulating her into the relationship? To me, it would calm me down and I would be able to apologize for my OWN actions. Whereas, if you brought it up to me, to point out what I've done wrong, I would stand up for my decisions (even if they were bad/wrong). Again, this depends on your DD and how she is and if it would work on her.
Good luck!
thanks Scoop ....
My DD came into the argument against my wishes .
She hates her new SIL with a vengeance , for what she put me through , also for stealing her beloved DB .
She does not want to like her full stop , she hates the fact that I have forgiven all past times and moved on .
I suppose it would have been better if she hadn't attended the wedding knowing how she feels , but
how would that have looked ? The grooms sister a no show .
She makes no bones about the fact she dislikes her SIL , but I wanted her to accept the marriage and be happy for her DB,
and he is hurt by her actions and no congratulatory note .
She has an important date coming up profession wise , so I will contact her before that , and no doubt
I will once again be asked to subsidise her salary before the end of the month .
I grant her every wish , and have supported her through thick and thin , I think this is like a tantrum , of
not getting what she wants ....and that it's too late for her DB not to marry .
Will keep you posted ...
I'd tell dd you became fully aware ds is an adult during this process & that if he made a mistake by marrying, he will suffer the consequences. Like it or not, dil is family now & you intend to do your part in supporting their union; that you 'hope' dd would do the same, but she, too, is an adult, capable of making her own decisions, as well as accepting the consequences. Remain neutral. I, too, think she may be envious & that it will pass when she sees her attitude isn't gaining traction. Good luck, LL~
So sorry LL. I'm sure it is just her total resentment right now that surfaced. She fought with FDIL about you (even though you didn't want that) and you know, I would protect my Mother too if I thought someone was being mean to them. You have been able to forgive and move on, but she's not. She's going to have to come to that realization. I am sure she feels left behind by big brother too. I think that's normal for most little sisters. Combined with she didn't really want to go because she was feeling all this, and I'm sure she was a just itching for an excuse to tear into someone. Not excusing her behavior, but step back...she needs to fix this.
LL, you're in my thoughts. I hope your DD comes back around soon, but she'll have to work it out on her time. I'm sorry you are still dealing with AC drama. Please take care of yourself!
Thanks guys ....you are always there when I need you ....<3
Bridezilla has reared her ugly head again ......she told my Ds that my DH and I were talking
about her behind closed doors in an unfriendly manner !!!
Not True !!
What on earth does this girl want ? Starting to cause trouble in a persons home who
took them in when they were in dire straits .
Also he says she doesn't want to be here , and she says he doesn't want to be here .....
OK I get the message ...MOVE OUT !!
Perhaps my DD was right after all , a leopard doesn't change it's spots !
LL, I'm so sorry. How long were they planning to stay there? And by the way, I'm going through a similar situation with DD, she's had many problems with DB trying to protect us and now she wants nothing to do with him, not even with her little niece, she says she's protecting her heart...Unfortunetely there's nothing we can do but stay out of it and hope they can work it out someday (hopefully soon).
Time to build your own life. They need to build theirs by making mistakes and learning from them or not. Your job is done. Step back...let go and move on for their well being as well as yours. Sending love...
Have you given them a date to be out by? Or have they set a date that they will be going?
LL, how did you find out the information that DIL was talking behind your back (not wanting to be there, etc)? I wonder, because it is ok for all of us to have our feelings, nobody in their right mind would want to be living in a home that is not their own, but it should have been private bitching and not brought to your attention.
After rereading this string of posts, I realized something similar happened with my eldest dd.
When my mother was dieing, my eldest brother and his new wife pulled some very bad stuff - changing her will in order that they benefit and getting her to sign it, leaving her out of state where she had had a heart attack in a convalescent home for the last few months of her life so no one could go see her, etc. He refused to speak to me, and his new wife became the go between. In my frustration, I commented that she should go help my brother find his balls.
If you knew me, you would know that I never never speak that way to people....well, never say never! In any event, I shamed them into bringing mother back to her home town, but she lay in hospice a week later. My eldest brother was in a state of rage, he menaced me with fists when I lay next to my mother, he walked in the room when a Judy Garland song was playing and loudly said, "If I had to listen to that poop I'd want someone to blow my brains out!" It went on and on. He and my youngest brother went through my mother's things and would not let me help. Anyway, my eldest daughter witnessed this and talked with her cousin, my eldest brother's daughter. I don't know what was said, but the cousin called her father and well, more hell was unleashed.
She was villified by my brother and he immediately spread nasty insinuations about her. I asked her what she said, and it sounded like she had been very upset about how I was treated. She got a clear message from everyone that she should not have done what she did. After a couple of weeks, however, I realized that she had done it because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt. She was trying to rescue me I think.
I telephoned her and thanked her from the bottom of my heart. I also tactfully let her know that I was okay, that I was going to be alright, she didn't need to defend me, but that I really appreciated that she cared about me. She immediately softened, and we were able to talk about it. She has since volunteered that she should not have called her cousin, and it is no longer an issue for her or me. My brother is a different matter, the creep. : )
That's just another point of view I think. Sometimes validating their feelings or motivation, but not the behavior, can go a long way. I am just wondering if your dd may have been attempting to show she cares about you but just handled it badly. She seems to be hanging on to a lot of resentment, and I realize that some folks are just addicted to crisis, drama people. But I just wonder if you connected with the love she may have felt for you, she might be able to let go of some of this stuff.
This is probably not politically correct, but it worked for me.
I know this may sound nuts, but reading this last reply put me in mind of my dog training challenges again with this new puppy. The idea is that the 'alpha' dog has to bear a lot of stress trying to defend the household and do things to protect that it is impossible for him to be able to do, he isn't living in the wild. And when we take that pressure lovingly off of him, and show him that we will do the protecting ourselves, he gets to go back to just being a dog and having a good time. Maybe the daughter is under a lot of stress by assuming this role for herself. She may be tired and feelings fear and frustration.
Interesting...
thankyou all for different angles on this problem .
My DD hates the thought of me being taken advantage of . she knows I love her to bits , and I know she loves
me too , as we are very close .
She is just the kind of person who tells it like it is , no egg shells .
Ruth :
My DS told me she had complained to him that she overheard my DH and I discussing her ...not true !
She is constantly telling me that my DS does not want to be here , as I tried to get him interested in doing
some freelance business while living here , she said there is no point as he doesn't want to be here !
On the other hand , my DS is telling me she doesn't want to be here , that she feels unwelcome etc .....!
This totally shook me as I have literally bent over backwards to make her feel at home ....and wore my zip closed
at all times !
When they returned from their wedding , honeymoon on a later agenda , I decorated their room with flowers,
candles , champagne , cards and gifts . New linen etc etc ......is that the actions of a person who doesn't want
them back ?
So I am totally puzzled at her comments to my DS , also I haven't taken one penny from them , plus paid
a whole chunk of the wedding !?!
She is away for a few days looking at houses , apparently .
I am regretting taking them in , I certainly do not need any stress .
Watch this space ....thank you all for your replies .
My DD may be right after all .... :(
I know I have sounded like a broken record all the way through this...but my take is that you need to get on with your life and let them get on with theirs. If you have to, tell yourself that what they think, say and do is none of your business. Your life is your business. You sound to me so entangled in theirs, that that's your life. Not healthy for anyone involved. Move to another country or something. Extricate yourself. I know that is radical...but if there is no other way, it might save the day. Sending love always...
Oh, LL, can't you see them projecting? They're thinking that you don't want them there for 2 reasons.
One - because they wouldn't want them there if they were you. Who actually *wants* their grown son, DIL and DGD to move back in? No one. From their perspective, maybe you're only tolerating them because you've had a rocky relationship in the past.
Two - because they don't want to be there. Of course they don't want to be there, they want to be in their own place, not depending on "mommy". It's considered a shameful thing to "have to" move back in and be rescued by your parents.
If I were you and you were me. I would NOT take it personally. I would even pooh-pooh their expressions of "DIL doesn't want to be here" and "DS doesn't want to be here". Bah! It's only temporary! They'll be back on their feet soon.
One more thing though. I have to say that I could see there being a problem with you going into their room, changing their bed(!) and arranging a "romantic" setting. You probably shouldn't be going into their room at all.
I'm with Luise. But I think maybe you aren't to the point of wanting to get this out of your life, maybe?
You've come too far to let this trip you up, and I believe you know better. Clean house some more and detach from them. You can do this and all of you will be the happier for it.
What can happen is that our identity can become the mother of adult children and a grandmother. Their lives become ours and everyone suffers because of it. They need to try and fail...try and fall...act and see why it didn't work. That's the learning process. It's very much life the baby learning to walk. We can't step in and catch them... and stop the falls or we will interrupt the learning process and cripple them.
I hear you guys ......
I would definitely detach if only they would stop individually telling me how the other one feels !!
Oh I get the fact they don't want to be here ...who wants to be with their inlaws ?
Only they asked ....so get on with it ...stop complaining .
Scoop :
The reason I entered their room , for the first time , was ....I left clean linen for my Ds to change their bed .My DIL had departed
three days before and had left linen to change the bed , as my DS didn't know what day it was , he forgot . So as a romantic
touch I thought rather than smelly sheets for their honeymoon , a candlelit room with flowers .Oh she was delighted and
said how kind I was ....short memory fault somewhere.
Don't worry , I'm calm , and soon all my own hobbies kick off again after the summer break .
Also don't forget I have my own business to run , it's just that every now and again , their thoughts become my problem!
Only natural two families living in close quarters ....that's what you guys are for .......my thanks as always ;D
Rule #1 - Don't let anyone tell you anything about anyone else. That's "he said, she said triangulating." Refuse to listen. Refuse to discuss anything that isn't first person with no one else mentioned. Totally. Don't budge on that. Tell them to talk to each other, not you. Then put plugs in your ears and masking take on your mouth. Send them packing. Let them grow up.
I think it was very nice of you to fix the room up for their return. I do agree that it's time, for your own sanity to tell both DS and DIL that you don't want to hear them tattling on the other! Come on! That's what they are doing. They just got married and they are already betraying each other's confidences? And dragging you into it in the meantime?
Sorry, but that annoys me to no end to know that instead of being grateful for all you are doing for them they are making you feel bad because they have to run and tell you the other said this...the other did that...
Give em' a pup tent and point them to the yard!
Hahaha .......love you Pooh ....x
Put your game face on if necessary, LL...
Oops, the attachment didn't work. I'll try again... In case it doesn't post, it's a photo of Mel Gibson ready for battle in Braveheart. : )
Love it! how cute, I'm having a good laugh about that!
LL, we're here for you...through the ups & downs and crazy-making mood swings. Your room spruce-up sounds lovely. Mine next? :D
LL what you are going through at the moment sounds so much like what I've just left. They didn't live in my house but dangerously close and all the type of behaviour from me (making it nice for them - clean sheets and linen) all backfired. And I couldn't do a thing right. Ha ha!
I'm safely away now and having a grand old time. For the world of me can't see what the fuss was all about. Still a lot of heartache happened while I was so close and nobody had a good time really. That's how I sought out WWU which became a valuable source of solace.
It seems that people just can't accept help and kindness gracefully.
You seem to be on your way of getting it all back together after the recent tempest. Good luck!
Take care
Like Luise said: What makes us grown up, emancipated women all of a sudden go all soft and change our identity for that of mother of grown up children and grandmother. - We should know better, but we don't. It's a head/heart thing.
Quote from: luise.volta on September 07, 2011, 11:03:51 AM
What can happen is that our identity can become the mother of adult children and a grandmother. Their lives become ours and everyone suffers because of it. They need to try and fail...try and fall...act and see why it didn't work. That's the learning process. It's very much life the baby learning to walk. We can't step in and catch them... and stop the falls or we will interrupt the learning process and cripple them.
I think I mis-quoted Luise. So here is what she really said, my opinion entirely.
Love you too LL!
Yup...that's what I said. I think enabling is crippling...and damages the enabler and the enablee...but I am a minority of one here and that's OK. When children need a nap we put them down whether they want to go or not...and when adult-children want a wedding, they save up for it whether they want to or not and have one they can afford. If they can't afford to rent a house...they rent a room. Everything in thier lives is their job to solve. And every mistake is a lesson learned. It's called life. If we step in, we aren't holding them as "able" and respecting them as budding adults. (And they will hate us for it.)
I know, I know...I'm weird.
I am a newbie so I have been doing lots of reading on this site and posting my own challenges with my youngest DD. But I thought I should make some effort to participate so here I am. I have to say that I agree with Luise regarding the enabling. I have learned with the my oldest DD that when I backed off, gave her and my SIL more space that eventually things improved for all of us. Not only do our adult children learn lessons but so do we. Luise, I especially appreciated your statement, "everything in their lives is their job to solve." Whoop, whoop, hooray...how freeing that statement can be...
Thanks, B-E. There have been many times my adult children have not been tickled with me. Yet when my adult children had adult children themselves, they have seen the wisdom in it and have followed through with the same pattern. Now their adult children are learning and growing and becoming responsible and plan to carry it on. Of course my parents did it with me. When my first job didn't "work out"...(I didn't work...lol) and I wanted to come back home, they said no. And so it goes. The title adult means something. To me we learn that through trial and error...when left to our own devices. And as we have said many times here, "take what you want and leave the rest." We have many points of view and each person's "truth" is something that someone somewhere needed to hear. Sending love...
when my DS first said they were giving up their house and going to live with his partners FOO , my reply was , As much
as I love you I wouldn't want you living here.
Then when that plan backfired , I was asked could they come and live here !
My heart sank at that moment and if they didn't have my GD with them I would have refused .
Now it seems the more I do for them , the less I'm thought of .
My DIL has been away for three days at her FOO , supposedly looking at houses . What new bride leaves
her husband after 10 days of marriage .?
I hope they find something soon , as my goodwill is fading fast especially when I thought all was well
and we were getting along fine only to be told by my DS she doesn't feel welcome here and she overheard
my DH and I talking about her ....why cause trouble when there is none ?
After months of trying to be a good friend to my DIL after such a rocky start , my patience is wearing thin .
How to proceed from here , I'm not sure , do I pretend I don't know what she thought she heard ?
The houses that she has been looking at are all near her family , and quite a distance from me
and my DS's place of work , which makes me think that it will revert back to me not seeing my GD
all over again . Which is what I thought when they moved in , that after the wedding all bets are off!
Don't call us , we'll call you !
LL
If things are wearing out, the best thing is for them to move...the farther the better. I know that you will miss your gd....but you still have to return to your normal life. You work so you also need some peace and quiet around. You are an awesome mother and grandmother, so my bet is that you will see them around often. They know that your gd loves you and will probably bring her over.
You have done your best. You helped them out when they needed you. You can go to sleep with a peaceful mind.
Love you LL
It's good to hear from you, Nana, you were in my thoughts yesterday & last night...
If you're not allowed to see gd, maybe it's a blessing that they not live close to you, LL. Knowing dd is only 10 mins away sometimes cuts like a knife. I understand why you took them in; it's the same reason why I tolerated dd's abuse these past 5 years. Don't be their doormat, dear LL, you won't gain any points. Do for your gd & let ds & dil learn now while they're young. Dd's almost 34, & I kick myself each & every day.
Rose, stop kicking yourself! It's in the past and you are moving on. Kick up your heels instead.
Quote from: luise.volta on September 08, 2011, 04:51:22 PM
If we step in, we aren't holding them as "able" and respecting them as budding adults. (And they will hate us for it.)
Quote from: luise.volta on September 08, 2011, 04:51:22 PM
If we step in, we aren't holding them as "able" and respecting them as budding adults. (And they will hate us for it.)
This is so true and I knew it all along but only in my head and not in my heart. I think that's why we all throw caution and wisdom to the wind the moment our adult children cry for help. It's really weird. I had to experience this first-hand and suffer for it before I knew in my heart. Wish there'd been a shortcut - would have saved a lot of heartache.
LL I maybe the culture is such that parents are expected to help unconditionally, my DIL's FOO do this still. It is expected of them and they go with it for better or for worse. They do help a lot and are always there. Mind you, they do have a really close relationship with the GC and they are closer to their daughter.
I hope all goes well with you and I sympathise with your situation. Time is a great healer.
Thanks, I'm working on it, Pen, just having some down time. It's only temporary...
Thanks Rose..how nice that you thought about me. I come to the forum every single day...I just dont post so much..... all you wise ladies have awesome advices and sometimes and I dont think I can add anything else....or sometimes I am not inspired lol. I am flaterred that you notice my absence.
Love you Rose
LL, I went through something similar. When my 28 yr old ds came out of military, he decided to make his residence with us while job searching. There was no dil involved,granted, but I am right there with you knowing what your insides are doing - cartwheels! trying to make them happy and make the home happy and fix fix fix. There was NO peace in my home during that time, which only lasted a few weeks thanks be to God as I don't know if I could have stood it much longer, but it ended in a heartbreaking way as all his exits do. You can't win this one. You are not working with mature, unselfish, and reasonable people, like you are. You'll just have to allow the time to pass for your heart to heal, as I did, and it WILL heal, and you have this forum to speed the process along. I was sick when my son left, but in no time at all he had located him a place to live, and it was a good match for him. I wasn't a good match, for neither of us. Next time, take a deep breath before making an invitation into your home, and then step back and tell yourself never again.
Nana
thankyou so much , you always have a calming effect on me , love you too !!
Back to my DD .....we have had lots of words , and my DD felt that she was only at the wedding for appearance sake !
she didn't feel welcome and didn't have one photo taken with her DB ! Not one of the brides family spoke to her ,
so I suppose thats why after consuming copious amounts of alcohol , she decided to tell the world !
They are obviously still holding a grudge after previous events .Which is sad in a way as she was only
defending her DM . We will always be close her and I even through the rough times , we mean too much to each other .
I will have to leave the sibling rows to them , I won't always be here to sort it for them .
No....I'm not going anywhere ....but one day they will be left to their own devices , and I hope they will be close
in years to come .
Back to the house .....I told my son I couldn't take any stress , and I have done my best to make them feel welcome ,
but if they don't want to be here there is nothing I can do ! I hope he can make things better for the rest of their
stay . Outwardly , its all fine and rosy , behind closed doors is another matter !
My GD smiles through it all , and I love her to bits ! So perhaps it's worth all the angst !
thanking you ladies for sharing , love as always ..... :-*
Interesting article:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110901093246.htm (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110901093246.htm)
Interesting Pen , I feel. its even worse when they leave and have to come back .They have had their taste of independence and find it hard to revert back to sharing space .
LL,
When they start creating problems where there are none it is time for them to go.
Your son has to take her side even if he doesn't want to, he wants to keep the peace with her...they are newlyweds.
But, he loves you and won't forget how much you have helped them the past few months.
No matter where they move, he will bring your grandchild to see you.
"...one day they will be left to their own devices " When will that be?
"...I won't always be here to sort it for them." When will that stop?
Quote from: Nana on September 09, 2011, 04:20:03 PM
Thanks Rose..how nice that you thought about me. I come to the forum every single day...I just dont post so much..... all you wise ladies have awesome advices and sometimes and I dont think I can add anything else....or sometimes I am not inspired lol. I am flaterred that you notice my absence.
Love you Rose
You may be gone, but you could never be forgotten, Nana!! Love you, too. : )
Luise. .....I suppose thats up to me. .....but knowing me ... it will be when I'm pushing up the daisies ! Lol.
LL, thinking of you. Please take care of yourself!
LL - You are not about to give up on yourself and see no change until you are" pushing up daisies." Many do take the "that's just how I am" stance but not you. That's why you're here...you know there is another way, just like we all do...and we are all learning and growing together. Sending love...
Hi guys ......
We have a moving date .......first week in November .....about 50 miles away ...hope they remember my address !
Light at the end of the tunnel. Whew!
Why do I feel so sad ?
I think the thought that they will revert back to their non visits and I will not get to see my Gd .
I am also thinking about a lonely Christmas too , as I know they will be at the other GP's .
I am trying my best to 'snap ' out of it , and my DH tells me he will insist they come to visit .
Now that he has got to know his GD he now sees how bad it was for me before .
I know the drill ....keep busy ...and fill your days with exciting stuff !
When you work six days , that's hard but I'll try my best , if my business didn't require
my input for Christmas I would fly away !
Focus .....I'll try ...I know I never stop complaining ..I'm a woman , it's my job ! lol
LL, give that man of yours a squeeze!
Any changes can bring on the blues and the "what ifs." I'm great at trying to see into the future,and sometimes I'm just plain wrong.
Take care of yourself during this time. Try to keep from showing sadness; for some reason our adult children have a hard time with that and it doesn't help our cases as we might think. Post here on those days!
If your life is about them, (which as you know isn't anything I understand,) sadness might come when they leave. Why now? They aren't even leaving next month?
LL, just because something is the 'right' course, doesn't mean sadness isn't going to be something you will have to work with for a while. This is the nature of grief, any time we have a loss we have to grieve. Give it time. In time you will heal and you will indeed have the things you want, but you have to accept them on life's terms, not yours. This is more about you, than them. It is for you to move out and away from this more, and build your own life from a greater emotional distance. It isn't about loving your family less, or being there for them less, but about the change in the way you (and I) view the relationship. I've walked in your shoes. When my ds left after finally returning and living with me a few months after he got out of military, I honestly didn't think my heart could just keep on healing from these hurts, but God had many lessons to teach me about knowing I can't hold on to any thing in this life, and the great mystery is to still love and embrace the things and live a life of joy. Don't fight against the sadness, just let it run it course and know that better things are ahead. my family creed is 'we hope for better things' and I used to have it stenciled in my old house, I need to find a place here to do it. cheers!
LL - 2 things:
1 - Did you know that on the scale of stressful events, good ones rank up there with bad ones? So birth of a baby or moving homes counts just as much as death of a loved one, in terms of stress levels. So cut yourself some slack, you've been under a LOT of stress this year, with more to come.
2 - Something you said really stuck out to me "what new bride leaves her husband after only 10 days of marriage". She's not really a new bride, they just "sealed the deal". She's been living with him for a long time and they have a child together. This is not a "honeymoon" situation anymore. Please don't judge her by the yardstick of moving from your Dad's home to your husband's home.
Ruth ......thankyou,I hear you and will do my best .The sadness comes from thinking how it was a year ago when I only saw my GD for 2 hours in 4 months ,and I hope with all my.heart.those times do not return. Scoop : Thankyou for your concern.....and yes stress can be a killer , I will try and chill I promise . I just thought it strange for my DIL to take off.for three days so soon after the wedding .I learned later she was looking at houses ,my DS didn't seem to pleased to be left ,also not to be included . I know not my business . Here's to a happy move , I hope they will be , honestly .
Geesh. I go away for one week and you have all this happen to you in that span of time!
Ok, positive side. They have a move-out date which is WAY MUCH better than them just seeming to just linger and linger. You need your life back LL. You have done your good deed with them and now it's good that they are moving on.
The sadness? Sure because as much stress as this has put you under, you have had access to GD and the doubts of what the future relationship with them all holds, are there. Totally normal.
So, now that I've solved all that for you ;D be happy that they are moving on into their own life. That's what they are supposed to do. You can't control the visits or what they choose, but you can control how you handle it. You got this!
Hi Pooh ......hope your hols were amazing ! ......I got it .....I know ......its just me ! My ODS said everything happens for a reason , he also said to look at the relationship I now have with my GD.! When did he go and get all wise !?....... oh yeah I forgot he's my son ......lol.........nice to have you back .....x
It was amazing and thank you!