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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Things happens on April 05, 2015, 11:58:46 PM

Title: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Things happens on April 05, 2015, 11:58:46 PM
Hi,

I just found you and want to thank you for setting up this board. I have read through a lot of new and old post and now feel that DH and I are not alone anymore. A little background Our DS (Only Child) has been Married to DIL for almost 7 years and dated for 3 years. At first I though she was just shy and quiet and eventually would come out of her shell. For the last several years she wouldn't show up to holidays with DS. Then she would have parties that sell things. As a good MIL I would go and she would just complain about my DS about this and that in front of everyone, and I would just sit and say nothing. Then one time I just snapped, and I turned and looked her in the eye  and in front of everyone I just told her That when I gave him to her, he was perfectly fine, you broke him. From that point on, I made sure I had plans for other things on the days she would have these parties.

Now DS complains she doesn't do anything with him, etc etc. I just told him hey you married her. We are very nice to her but in the last couple of years Mine and DH attitude is we are done going out of the way to do things to be nice. We are lucky in we still have a great relationship with DS, no GK yet and not sure there will be any.

But in reading the old post I see that we have done the right thing and just be nice and stay out of her life and for that I thank everyone. It actually felt good to see that it is the right thing to do.  If she wants in our life that is just fine, but we have come to peace with her not being in our lives.

So once again, thank you everyone for sharing your experience, they have comforted me. :)

Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on April 06, 2015, 01:26:42 AM
Good for you! And You're welcome! :)
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: kate123 on April 06, 2015, 10:23:54 AM
Hello Karma,

I know of many people who do that to their spouse- complain, badmouth them to others. It makes you wonder that if they feel that way why are they married?? But I think some just like to complain to have something to talk about. But to say things in front of the spouses parent in front of others is very insensitive. How old is she? sounds a bit immature. I think you are handling the situation wisely.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on April 06, 2015, 11:23:04 AM
I had that experience with a friend I met in a social group. I heard so much about how awful her DH was that I really disliked him, sight-unseen. Then one day we were out shopping and she asked me to lunch afterward. I really liked him!
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Things happens on April 06, 2015, 11:00:39 PM
Kate123 at the time she was 31 and still has not matured. I have learned over the years that Karma is a real thing and have seen it happen. So when the time is right she will get what she deserves. Until then I will just enjoy my son :)
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Pooh on April 10, 2015, 07:47:34 AM
Good for you.  That's a great attitude to have.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Things happens on April 11, 2015, 10:12:27 PM
Thanks Pooh, it has taken me a while to achieve this feeling. I have lots of nieces and nephews that enjoy and want my time. So I concentrate on them and have lots of fun together with them. And enjoy my time with DS, the only sadness is I probably won't have any GC. Though I did mention one time I might adopt a pregnant teenager  ;D Look on DS face was priceless. I just hope that DIL works out her issues and realizes that we are not the enemy, even all that we have been through I would still welcome her with open arms because she is my son's wife.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Pooh on April 15, 2015, 10:51:48 AM
It took me a long time to get there too K.  It's kind of funny.  When I finally realized I was enjoying my life again and that my "situation" wasn't dominating my every waking second, I didn't even realize I had got to that point!  It just kind of happened when I hit the "acceptance" stage that it was what it was and moved on.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on April 15, 2015, 11:00:11 AM
I do that, too, Pooh. I often don't notice my own growth, it just seems 'normal'. Occasionally, someone near and dear points something out and I think..."Wow! :-)
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Pooh on April 15, 2015, 11:21:10 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on April 15, 2015, 11:00:11 AM
I do that, too, Pooh. I often don't notice my own growth, it just seems 'normal'. Occasionally, someone near and dear points something out and I think..."Wow! :-)

It was actually my DH this past Christmas that made me really notice it.  The last time me and OS were still on good terms, was the beginning of December, 3 years ago.  I had already bought his Christmas present he wanted.  For 3 years, that present has been in a hall closet "just in case".  This past Christmas, I was getting things out to decorate and there was that wrapped box.  I took it out, thought "well now this is about stupid" and handed it to DH.  I told him, "Will you set this in the garage?"  He looked amazed and said, "Ummm why?"  Because it's going in the donation box this year somewhere for someone else to use. 

I didn't think anything about it!  I just realized it was stupid to keep this wrapped box for 3 years when someone else could enjoy it.  Didn't bother me, didn't phase me when I dropped it off a few days later.  DH later said he couldn't believe I gave up that box.  I actually was more amazed that I didn't even flinch when I did it. 
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on April 15, 2015, 02:26:07 PM
YAY!
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: lrubyhumbird on July 10, 2015, 01:36:28 PM
I am going through a tough time with my DS (only child). He married my dil in 3 weeks. He tells me she is verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Her own mother told me I got the better end of the deal. My dil likes to control people through manipulation. They just had a child and she is using her as a weapon to make me do what she wants . Any advise? My son won't stand up to her either!
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on July 10, 2015, 01:52:22 PM
Welcome, I. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the five posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure it is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

Our membership is our greatest asset but I think the second greatest asset here is to be found in our archives. Incredible wisdom has been stored there over the years. Please 'help yourself'. There aren't really any new problems or new answers. Circumstances change, details differ and we all go through it at our own pace. Feeling loved and understood and not alone is what can come from the caring and sharing you will find here. Hugs...
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Pooh on July 13, 2015, 06:22:01 AM
Welome Iruby.  My advice?  She can only use the child as a weapon if you allow it.  Sometimes that means not getting to see the GC, but we get to choose what behaviors we will accept.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: lrubyhumbird on July 13, 2015, 09:42:37 AM
Thanks Pooh. I don't like getting manipulated and being told what I can and can not do.I have done everything to help my dil . I am having a hard time though losing my DS.His dad died when he was only 3.I basically raised him myself until I found someone, 7 years later who lost their spouse and dated several years to see how good he would be with my son. My DH is a great step dad to him. We have been married 15 years. My son is 30 and is clueless. He doesn't seem to care she has hurt me. We have done everything for him. We don't understand why he would allow such a mess to occur. He is my only child and this my only GC.My dial has lost custody of her other child( son) several years ago, so I am worried.He doesn't even speak to her. I will never see either of them again in ...Totally heart sick.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on July 13, 2015, 10:02:48 AM
It took me ages to learn that 'worry and heartsick' were choices I made based on my own expectations. I thought they were reasonable and I didn't allow for the paths chosen by others that guaranteed my expectations would never be fulfilled. My views of all of it are hindsight and my peace of mind and joy have been hard earned. Sending hugs...
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: lrubyhumbird on July 13, 2015, 10:22:22 AM
My expectations were for my DS to be Decent human being. I find him selfish and self centered..Ungrateful.. I thought I raised him right. Why are these children so ungrateful? I loved my parents and would never consider such behavior regarding my parents. I am very offended. This generation of kids are truly self absorbed!
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on July 13, 2015, 11:24:36 AM
Asking why is often useless for me and just keeps everything in place. I thought for a long time that if I could just understand why...I could fix it. Or that understanding it would be the foundation of acceptance. One of the things that came out of my experience is that I found there's no sense in trying to make sense of the senseless for me. It is. That's about the size of it and I ended up opting for survival by moving on. My healing started after that. It took a long time...
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: lrubyhumbird on July 13, 2015, 05:13:10 PM
Thanks luise for the help. Hard seeing the other side . My head needs to help my heart. It really really is painful to go through..
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on July 13, 2015, 05:21:17 PM
There were times when I wondered if I'd make it. That's what this Website is for, to know we aren't alone. There can be comfort it that....but not resolution. We have to do that ourselves...each one of us in our own way and in our own time frame. It just helps some of us to hold hand on our journey. More hugs.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Pooh on July 14, 2015, 11:24:14 AM
Yes.  I promise you I too didn't think I would survive the heartache.  Then it turned to anger.  Then it turned to heartache because I felt bad that I was angry.  Then I was angry that I got mad at myself for being angry......

You don't get to where we are overnight.  It's baby steps and one day at a time.  But the more steps you take, the easier it gets as long as you make the decision that you want to move on and be happy. 
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Green Thumb on July 14, 2015, 03:06:58 PM
Welcome to this forum and I am sorry to hear your story. I know you are in pain. This is sort of like living with an alcoholic. There are things you can do that make the situation worse, like enabling, and things you can do to make the situation eventually get better, like detaching with love. I highly suggest reading a book about having boundaries (don't have a specific title) and Life Code by Dr. Phil. These will help you see the manipulation and control issues and learn to see them before you react. Life Code helped my husband and I understand what we were going through and gave us much more emotional strength and wisdom.

My other comment is that it will help to realize your son chose this woman for a reason. Perhaps to feel wanted, perhaps to be the hero and rescue her. My best guess would be both. There is something inside your son that is at her emotional level or he would have run quickly from her. I don't mean to bash your son or upset you more, but rather shine a light on why this situation happened and why he has become passive about his wife's behavior. She meets some need he has, so you need to understand this aspect.

Sending you hugs and love and hope things get better.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: lrubyhumbird on July 14, 2015, 04:18:53 PM
Thanks Pooh and green thumb. I appreciate the advise. Even my pastor gave me good advice..Apparently this happens more often than I ever realized. It will be his loss and one day he may come to his senses. But I am not putting myself in anymore hurtful situations. I AM DONE!
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on July 14, 2015, 04:29:09 PM
YAY!  ;D
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: Pooh on July 15, 2015, 12:04:15 PM
Double Yay!!!! :)
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: lrubyhumbird on July 15, 2015, 12:48:43 PM
If I didnt have my faith .. I would not be handling this well.
Title: Re: Thank You, Now I know were not alone
Post by: luise.volta on July 15, 2015, 01:27:28 PM
Please carefully reread our Forum Agreement. Go to our Home Page where you will find it posted for new members under Open Me First. We have women here of all faiths and some who don't have a faith. Out of respect, I don't allow any specific references to Religious or Spiritual beliefs on WWU. There are Websites that are faith oriented, if you would find that more comfortable. Thanks, Luise