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Oooh Pen - I just got so excited, the stars will be amazing out in the dark dessert night.

Heck yes Pooh - we'll just snap our fingers and the Pushkar camel fair will be rescheduled to suit our time frame and the Bedouins will come in and take us out into the dessert into a sumptuous tent for a lovely evening of music and food - not on camels though since I think they are very uncomfortable to ride on - rather let's have wonder horses brought for us and we'll be great riders and gallop across the dessert.  I must be really wanting to get back there....Let's wear beautiful saris. And no one will get upset tummy's either.

Could we cruise on over to India so I can see some friends and get some wonderful fabric? I promise we will have a fabulous time on our shore trips and use the large helicopter to chopper to inland locales. I am getting my wardrobe together and my book bag - oooh I forgot the ship has a great library.

I agree with Louise - it seems respecting his decision might be the wisest course. If I understand correctly, it sounds like he didn't solicit your opinion of what he or they were thinking about visitors, rather he told you what they had decided. Hopefully after a year he will want you to visit again. In the meantime, would Skype calls be something to consider or request?  I look forward to Skype calls with my ds and his family since they live far away. I am sorry for the pain this is causing you.

I don't think there is 'one fits all solution' to getting through. Louise has responded I believe to an earlier post of yours with what healing steps many of us have taken on the journey through the type of heartbreak you are experiencing. Her sentences may sound simple in a way, or even not what you are looking for, yet they outline what is a change many of us have made in ourselves in order to move on in life and find joy again with or without our adult children and/or their families. If your thoughts are racing it may help to not let yourself do that - stop yourself from the thoughts which have no results and cause you distress.  If you can do nothing just now in your situation, there may be little reason to let yourself think about what you cannot impact or change now.  Some therapists use a technique called cognitive behavioral therapy - which is mostly about changing your own thoughts so as to lessen or change feelings of distress like you appear to be experiencing.  You can read about this on the internet.  It takes only a little practice and you may find some relief in trying this.  If nothing else it will give you a way to focus on yourself and occupy your mind.  I find an abbreviated sort of way works for me. I have a few things like visual images of beauty ( I am very visual) as well as some wonderful memories of times past which I keep at the ready and when I find myself wandering into the pain areas I can do nothing about in my life, I stop those thoughts as soon as I become aware of them ( you do need to decide to be aware of your thoughts and their impact for this to work - ie. self monitor) and instead I pull out one of my joyful images or thoughts and really focus on it.  Works for me.
Other things which relate to what Louise said, is to examine what your expectations are or have been and consider how you might change them.  No matter how reasonable they are, if they are not or cannot be met it might make sense to seek ways to alter them. This can occupy your mind as well, though it also takes one down the pain path a lot I think.  Necessary, though perhaps when you feel really calm, this might be easier.
At first when I was really completely cut off from my ds - which lasted a few months - I was hugely upset. After about a week, and at that time I didn't know if it would be forever, I honestly felt some sense of relief, terrible as that may sound. I could do nothing to change the situation and in hindsight that cut off period was necessary for him to make some changes alone and for me to change myself and integrate the grief of the loss of the family I had imagined I had, so I could make space for the family I did have in the future, if that time ever came. It also allowed me to get past the anger and resentment I felt about how I was treated, establish boundaries which I found I could communicate in a softer way than I had been able to in the midst of my pain. Time outs are hard though sometimes productive. I will tell you that although my ds and  I have regular phone or Skype contact now, ( they live in a different part of the country) there will always be a sort of residual sadness in me for what we lost. The good news in my case is I am able to embrace the contacts with a loving heart and manner and satisfy myself with what I do have rather than what I don't any longer have.  If I had kept the same expectations I had before all the distress started I would not be able to be happy when I hear from him or get to see my little grandchild on Skype.  I stay away from facebook entirely,and kindly yet firmly decline requests to join him at his inlaws for holidays or other visits, without explaining why I am declining to join them. A few years back I realized my explaining was just used against me, and then I realized I didn't owe an explanation, and could make the choice I wanted to for myself.  That choice has consequences as well. For instance, this spring  the kids were coming back to this part of the country for a few weeks to be with dil's family who live five hours from me. I was invited to come spend time there and declined without explanation though I made it clear I would be happy to have them come spend time with me if they wanted. They weren't sure if that would work for them. It turned out they decided to come spend almost 3 days with me to the 13 days they spent with the in law family. It could just as easily have meant they didn't come here at all. While that would have made me really sad, it would have been better than me having to put up with being with the in law family in my estimation. It isn't perfect, though it is workable. It isn't equal, though what we do have is loving and respectful now.   
I am pulling for you as you work through this heartache.           

KG- thanks for the great input. I struggle with this type of situation as well and your advice is wonderful.  I have been distancing myself more from a formerly close friend in the last couple of years due to this, not knowing how to approach telling her why I am distancing. She is aware of my situation and seems not to realize it is difficult to always hear about her happy close family.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this as a grandmother, though sure your daughter appreciates the help you are in her life with the children. To cope with this behavior from the ex, Louise has pointed out the reality and you are challenged to adjust your life and expectations to minimize the disruption to your life and the children's as well. I had to do the same for nine years as a single mother until the ex completely disappeared from my son's life at age 10. It helped me to not plan anything which could not be changed at the last moment, as visitations were very intermittent despite the court schedule agreed on yearly. Having alternate plans in case the ex doesn't show up helped us acknowledge yet not dwell on the disappointment this presented each time for my son. Another thing I learned through therapy with my son those years was that he was very afraid of his father and sometimes unable to stand up to him and tell him the truth, perhaps when asked leading questions or maybe because he know what his father wanted to hear. I was able to find other than direct ways to handle this with my son, by using my own experiences or happenings in the world around us to find examples of when it was hard even for adults to tell the full truth sometimes.  I did not address the lies my son told directly as he already felt very bad and weak for not standing up to his dad. As Loiuse pointed out, whether or not your example ad influence can mitigate the effects of their father is unknown, yet I can tell you love these children and want to help.  Please take time to care for yourself so this does not tear you up.  If you continue to be in close contact in their lives they need you to be the hero and keep in sight the real victims are the children and the confused world they are forced to contend with in dealing with their father. It helped me those years to keep in mind that if I was distraught as an adult at the behavior, how much more distraught my son had to be, just a little guy unable to make sense of the senseless and with no control of the situation at all. I keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you Louise and Kirk and all the lovely ladies here who share so honestly.  This site has made a huge difference in my journey forward.

I wanted to attend an important wedding so I was late for the ship.  My wonderful life delivered a gorgeous chopper and pilot to drop me on ship so I will arrive in an hour or so. I'm looking forward to our first port of call and the wonderful  open air market at which we will find great art objects and fabrics at unbelievably reasonable prices to take home with us and transform a corner of our worlds to remind us of the fun cruise we took together. Meanwhile the pampering team on board will be readying our massage tables and assigning the hair and makeup artists to transform us into divas for our first night dinner and dance with the captain and handsome escorts of our choosing. I think the chopper is just landing here so I will see you soon....

I want the one with the dreamy eyes and great smile - and tall to boot.

And since we are all dressed up for dinner, let's have a lot of nice looking gentlemen who can dance with us - 2 bands, one playing big band music so we can ballroom dance and another playing all that great dance music from the 60's and 70's.

Context matters. While the bald fact of her having cheated is known by you, the context may not be fully known, either of the cheating itself or the forgiveness by your ds which followed.  Avoiding assumptions helps me know I do not know and I am then better able to avoid judging others.
Our adult children decide for themselves and we cannot make them avoid what we think are mistakes.  As Louise tells us their lessons are theirs, to get or not on their own time frame, not ours. When our guidance is put aside or outright rejected once they are adults, we must accept their decisions.
Controlling your thoughts is in your arena though, and having a few really positive ones at the ready to flip your mind to when those painful ones start pestering you can retrain your mind and help reduce the pain. I think our thoughts often create our feelings and we can control our thoughts.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

Lily - Following this thread it appears you realize you do not want to go to the FC.  That is your right, even without the past history with dil et al. Somewhere in this site I learned that it is ok for me to decide for myself and not be obligated to explain to anyone when what I want  to do is different than what someone else wants me to do.  It is not done to hurt anyone, it is done to take best care of myself. 

If you do want to ask ds about this invitation and need to call him, you could ask him to call you when it is convenient for him so as to avoid the one word answers your calls normally get. It is that way with my ds as well.  Asking him about  the invitation when he calls you back ( not on your call to him) may give you some information you do not have about 'why now?' which may be helpful going ahead.  I like the idea of having a prior engagement so as to avoid any other need to explain which might put him into conflict of any kind or yourself in the position of having to justify your decision.

I recently used this approach with ds and didn't use a prior engagement at all, simply told him it wasn't what I wanted to do. He told me I needed to explain to him why and I told him I didn't need to do that and pointed out he is not obligated to tell me why he decides what he decides, and I am not either. It resulted in him coming home for the first time in almost 2 years with dil and new gd for 3 days instead of me traveling 300 miles to spend time with dil family and be uncomfortable on their 12 days visit there. I thought it might result in me not seeing them and had decided if that were the case it was their right to decided that as well. Putting myself in the front of my life again has brought peace I will not give up, regardless.

I think the wedding tradition of parents giving away the bride should in many cases be altered to parents of the groom giving away their son instead, as for a lot of us that is what really is going on - not all, but certainly a lot.

Written communications about tense situations often make things worse rather than better. It happened to me just as Louise pointed out - what I wrote and meant was not what was read.  I think it is best to have a face to face if you must discuss with dil these things. If you do, please consider limiting yourself to "I" statements.  Telling dil she is intimidated by you or looking for an error in everything you say may be less helpful or productive than asking what she thinks and feels.