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Justanoldgrandma and Newmama (nice one that!) thank you so much for your response in the matter. You can't imagine how valuable this is for me. I can't talk to my friends now - not that they don't want to listen but they have never experienced any thing like this, so have no view, how can they?
Your direct experience in the matter is very useful for me. I'm in the phase now where everything is raw and I know I made a mistake telling DS that I don't think it's right for him to see the children with new GF. I'm not taking sides at all but I felt I had to say what I was thinking and not keeping my feelings hidden. (I did this all the time when he was married to xDIL and it has almost made me ill.) I think my relationship with DS is strong enough to weather the storm. But he is in love now and as the old saying goes: Love makes blind.
I have decided to be open to him about what xDIL and FOO tell me and be open about my replies to them, if any. I have to reply to the email my xDIL sent, that's only common courtesy on the one hand but on the other it also allows me to see the GC soon, I hope.
I really feel like a bamboo swaying in the wind into all directions. I love peace and harmony (who doesn't?) and this strife and conflict is just too bad. But there is a big positive in this scenario. The GC are in this world and they are wonderful.
NewMama, it was useful to hear the GC's point of view of a break-up. The bottomline is that they are part of me and to loose contact with them would just be too sad. On the other hand I have to think about the future. DS is only 31 and there may be more GK's. This means I can't ignore a future DIL.
Justandoldgrandma. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply in detail quoting an actual case and the outcome. I'll be able to read it again and again when things get rough. I wish there'll come a time when our family will unite in the love for the children and make their lives as good as possible under the circumstances.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

Thank you Ruth  for your reply. I have made a few mistakes then in the past days it seems. However, I feel that all is not lost with DS. I will try and refrain from taking sides now and just go with DS. This is so difficult at the moment. We had a wonderful time together last month and felt that we were getting through to him, we talked and laughed together but then it all went pear-shaped when we heard (through FOO) that he lied to us. Maybe I should stop all of this and just bury my head until all of this is over. Fortunately DH has kept really quiet so far, so at least there is a safe haven for DS. I have always stressed to DS that what I said was my opinion only.

Pen, I don't even know the GF yet, so I have no idea how she evaluates the situation. I would expect her to take a step back but what do I know?

Quote from: luise.volta on May 20, 2012, 07:27:58 AM
We are learning, too. We, too, are "works in progress" and can learn and grow and expand.

Thank you so much for this thought. I knew I would get a different perspective if I posted my current plight  on this site. I guess I have to step back from mothering, it's not wanted, not needed and may indeed be counter-productive.

Thing is, before all of this happened and I was in the midst of it, I knew all these things - in theory. How different it all is when it hits you.
Thanks again.

Thank you for your replies.
The worst thing is that I and DH don't recognize DS any more. When did he loose trust in us? He must be so confused.

I have told DS that I can understand why he left etc. but that I can't understand why he wants to bring in the new GF so soon after he left. He says he is his rock now but it's all far too early. He didn't like my criticism and thinks I'm not behind him any more and listen to what he perceives to be lies from xDIL and FOO. I did stress that I/we love him unconditionally but that this does not mean that we can't tell him when we think that he is doing wrong.  I feel that if I agreed with what he is doing now or kept out of it, that would be wrong as well.
I thought DS would get his own place where I could go to see the GKs. Now he lives with new GF and we don't even know where that is. Do we ever stop being parents? Should he not consider himself lucky to have caring parents who tell him when he's wrong? Is he totally his own man now?
I got a kindly worded email from xDIL today to say that she would be happy if we want to see the GKs. I'm not rejoicing - that would be too early - but I have been waiting for her to get in touch and she has now. I will take time to send a considered reply.

Should I just STOP thinking about all of this?

I'm afraid I may be doing more harm than good by trying to stay involved. I just miss the GKs. They grow up and don't know me. I think for me at the moment the bottom line is that I want to be part of their lives, so the GM is the strongest part in this triangle of confused emotions.

DS left family 6 months ago - I now know it was for another woman - didn't know it then.

I'm torn between being a DM and loving DS no matter what, bottom line loving your children unconditionally and
being a GM who is trying to keep lines of communication open with other GPs (FOO) to make sure that GKs are not alienated.
As a woman I feel deeply about what xDIL is going through.I didn't get on with her when all was okay but now I cry for her too.

Now DS has decided he will only see his DSs (4 and 1 1/2) with the new woman who gives him love and support in these difficult times.
I have told him that he is not doing the right thing by anybody but he is stubborn. As a result he is not seeing his DC -I'm so torn because I can't help but agreeing with xDIL and her FOO now.
MY DS is not behaving correctly in this matter and I'm so upset. He comes from a stable family, has no role model for this kind of behaviour. What is happening and what can I do? I would be prepared to go and help again with the GKs which means leaving DH on his own again but I fear I'm losing DS when doing this.

Thanks for listening, WW.

Love your shades Pooh!
Blessed are those with lovely DS! 

 

Lol to the Santa suit! Pooh in shades and Hawaiian shirt will be a treat for the eye!

Quote from: pam1 on May 10, 2012, 07:21:28 AM
I have friends, kept friends from childhood and I was told that to be a part of their family I should cancel my plans with my friends for even minor family events, no matter what.  It didn't matter if I was told last minute (see the key word, told...not invite) I should cancel on my friend to go with the family.  I said I thought that would be rude to my friends and if my presence was important than I would gladly go with enough notice or if it didn't conflict with any prior plans.  I was then told putting family first was probably personal growth I needed to work on LOL.

This is exactly what happened to me when I was living close. The moment DIL knew that I was doing something else, she would txt to say she needed urgent help. There is a lot of bullying going on in relationships such as these ones.
One example of many: I had invited a friend for lunch one day but had to change the day from Tuesday to Wednesday.  Wednesday was the day DIL had to go to GS's playschool for a little party and wanted to leave the baby with me. All hell was let loose when I couldn't babysit because of the change of date with my friend. In my view, it wasn't even an important appointment for DIL. She could easily take the baby with her to playschool and give older GS the opportunity to show off the little brother. But because I wasn't available, I was made to feel really bad. I did feel the weirdo in this scenario.
Mind you, I did enjoy the lunch, cooked up a storm and chatted and chatted with my old friend. The questions remains, with a little bit of loving and understanding, the whole thing need not have been an issue at all. I didn't let her down for a really important appointment, did I?
Like you I have a lot of friends and extended family. Fortunately I could leave that situation but I hate to think what could have happened if I had been dependent on them in one way or another. Nightmare!

DILs on this site what do you think? Did I let her down in your opinion?

Lovely to hear this wonderful feedback Beth. Everybody here agrees with you, I'm sure This is a great site, a source of comfort for sore souls!

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." Harriet Beecher Stowe

Quote from: Pen on May 08, 2012, 10:12:07 PM

Quote from: Lillycache on May 08, 2012, 11:56:49 AM
Not my DILs FOO.... they are all joined at the hip.  Early in his marriage my son made the comment that the only thing her family argues about is who loves each other more.  lol!!   How do you even think about fitting into or being included in that?

I'm sorry, but that's a bit nauseating, lol. Do they have matching holiday sweaters too?

I can just see them all wearing those Kitty sweaters and hugging trees.
There is a touch of humour in this thread which made me laugh first thing in the morning and boy do I need that! 
I agree with Luise, why not revel in the peace and quiet and really enjoy yourself doing nothing - it wasn't your choice, you offered.

Nothing weirder than folks and humour is the best way of dealing with it, otherwise we are heading for a premature demise and that's not worth it, is it girls? Here is fighting on against the odds - yours FS

Pooh, I hope the year will go quickly. I'm so pleased to hear that your FDIL is like a ray of light now in what must be a very difficult time for you and your family. I'm thinking of you and send my sincere best wishes into cyber space.

That is all so true, I just wish I had known this when I was in the situation. I described myself as 'MIL from hell' in an earlier reply, and I think I was even though I never wanted to be such a person. I think, I lacked empathy with my DIL at that time which is a horrible thought because I never want to hurt anybody. Good to hear what everybody is saying on this thread, it helps me become more and more aware of what's gone wrong. Of course DS leaving and causing a lot more pain makes me feel even worse. Now I'm not sure
where to go from here. I would like to approach xDIL and let her know how terribly sorry I am about what happened but I'm so afraid I might get it all wrong again. My intuition is not much help at the moment. I try to listen to it but it's silent on this front. I guess I'm just confused and have to be patient and be open it I get a sign from her.

Just a thought. All of us act differently in situations where we feel uncomfortable. I had this experience when I lived close to DS and his family. I behaved out of character.  Even my DH couldn't quite make sense of what had got into me at that time, luckily he was patient and believed in me getting back to my normal self.
All I'm saying is, could we be misinterpreting behaviour by people who are in an environment where they just don't know how to function and everything they do somehow comes out wrong. This is a bad situation to be in especially when surrounded by family. Just a thought - may not apply to your situation, certainly applied to mine. It's taken me a long time to get to this insight.

Quote from: Pen on April 28, 2012, 01:24:08 PM
A we'll be the weird, rural, occasional GPs. And you bet, I will check before I buy any kid anything. And I'll bet the ILs will do whatever they please.

Not weird at all. I'm beginning to wonder about our role as rural - in a wider sense -, and occasional GPs, Pen.
Most of us here with DS and the ensuing FOO/DIL problems are in a phase where GKs are small. We should not give up hope that in years to come the 'occasional GPs, -us! will come into our own and be very much cherished for the 'other' stuff we can give. We never know how times and values will change.
I for myself hope I'll still be around to be a significant person in GKs life, when they are ready for it. This doesn't mean that I want to compete with FOO GPs in the future, they'll always have their place.
I just feel it in my gut that I shouldn't be too sad at this point in time when my relationship with the GKs is on hold and jeopardised. There is a time for everything - and our time is still come!
Remember 'Everything's not lost!' (My favourite Coldplay song by the way.)
We must hold on to this hope!