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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: StainedGlassHeart on July 24, 2010, 07:57:41 AM

Title: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: StainedGlassHeart on July 24, 2010, 07:57:41 AM
Follow my original post 'Had to call the authorities.'  I have been coping with a heartbreaking situation.  I have always been a loving mother, placing my children and family first no matter what.  Holidays and celebrations have always been so important to me.  I have raised my children to make as many of their own choices as possible, and tried to nurture a strong self esteem.  I have always tried to help them feel special on birthdays. 

As I watched my grandchild be born nearly one year ago, my DIL refused to allow me to hold my grandchild.  She said and did so many hurtful things that day-my heart shattered into a million pieces.  I could barely speak for 3 days. I have been gathering the pieces of my heart to try to make sense of all this and find purpose and hope.  The DIL has allowed her mother to have all the control and joy of being GM.  Upon reading these posts, I notice the paternal GM is often robbed of the right to be a GP.  Why is that?

I have looked forward to being a Grandmother all my life-I had a wonderful GM.  I envisioned baking cookies, reading stories, having fun, having them over for special times, and helping the parents whenever they needed me.  I realize our dreams and aspirations don't always turn out the way we imagine. 

The precious GC that I have never been allowed a relationship (can count on one hand the times I got to see him, help him held him a total of < 5 minutes) has a first B-day coming.  I have no way of sending a card or giving a gift-this is so painful. 

I did think of a couple things-I wondered about publishing s simple message in the newspaper, wishing a him a special blessing.  The US constitution gives us freedom of speech and freedom of the press. Then I could clip it, and put it in a special place.  I thought maybe I could make a special box to put cards, letters, the pieces of the quilt I was going to make but couldn't give.  Just maybe some day when he is an adult able to make his own choices, I could give him the box somehow, so he could see he had a GM who loved him, but lost him before we had a chance to bond.  I don't know what else to do.  With all that has happened, is it even OK to do this?

I do now remember I did get to see him on my birthday-instead of buying myself a gift, I bought him several gisftsand gifted my family members on my own birthday.  That is how much my friends and family mean to me.  Does anyone have any thought or suggestions in how to heal from the pain?  This hurts almost as much as a death. 
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: barelythere on July 24, 2010, 08:04:47 AM
I just want to say that I know how you feel.  In answer to your question about why this happens?  Some DILs do not consider his parents family, anyone outside them, their kids, are considered extended family. Most of us weren't brought up that way.  I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Just hold on and don't say or do anything to her to make her have an excuse to leave you out.  Give it time too, just stay as quiet as possible, in my opinion, just my opinion.  Sending blessings.
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: luise.volta on July 24, 2010, 09:05:44 AM
So often someone here on our Forum says something about others being the way they are and that's what comes up for me. She is how she is. Not wanting her to be that way or trying to figure her out doesn't change anything.

Your own life is what you have. Give yourself love and kindness and yes, sympathy. Do what brings you joy and focus when you can on your own healing. Sending love...
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: elsieshaye on July 24, 2010, 10:55:29 AM
If setting aside cards and the quilt helps you heal, then I think it is a good thing, although I am of two minds about the newspaper ad.  I do agree with the others though that you can't change or explain your DIL's behavior.  All you can do is take care of yourself. 
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: catchingup on July 24, 2010, 11:50:15 AM

Hi Stainedglassheart. Did your DIL want you at the birth of your GC? Why then would she want to deprave you of spending time with GC?
Those who know me here have heard me repeat this a number of times. My MIL was a real sergeant major and control freak but I never tried to keep her son away from her and she saw the GC but only when I was present.

By the time the first GC arrived I resented her so much for her interferance that when she picked up my son for the first time and held him like a grandmother would I resented that too. Perhaps it was because I imagined her trying to control him too.

If you have done nothing wrong it may just be that she is jealous over him or perhaps it is her mother who does not want to share him.

My FDIL's mother is a problem. I think she is jealous where her daughter is concerned and does not want me to get too close to her.I invisage the same kind of thing you are going through when the babies arrive but this site has prepared me for it.
Fortunately my son is very family orientated and although I would not put any pressure on him I dont think--and I hope I am right--that he would allow this.If however this does happen well!! so be it.
How does your son feel about this?
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: Pen on July 24, 2010, 02:24:35 PM
My heart goes out to you, SGH. If we knew why some people have to treat others this way there'd be no need for this forum! I agree with the others who say "We can only take care of ourselves." I really hated hearing that early on, because my sorrow and my sense of justice didn't know how to deal with it. Now, although I still truly believe we're "right," I've learned from many posters here that if we back off and get on with our lives we seem to appear less needy. Quite often that's all it takes - when we're seen as people with our own lives and interests, our children and their spouses aren't as afraid of being smothered by our attention. It seems to have worked for me, although the time we spend with DS & DIL will never be equal to the time they spend with DIL's FOO & DIL will probably never completely accept us. I've been enjoying spending quality time with DH. He's much happier now that I'm not constantly crying or moping about. (I sound brave now, but check back with me when GC arrive - I may be back to square one since I suspect DIL will withhold the GC from us as much as possible.)

It will probably always irk me that the DS's mom is usually the one that will lose out, but that's just the way it is. I'm so grateful for a safe place to express my feelings and feel supported in this crazy situation.

SGH, I'm not sure a public display of your love for your grandson will help your situation with DIL. The box of mementos is a good idea, and you could add letters you've written to him on every bday instead of the newspaper ads. Please take care - you'll want to be healthy and happy for whatever lies ahead!
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: Nana on July 26, 2010, 04:40:21 AM
My heart goes out to you stain.  Yes it may be as hurtful as dead itself.  Why do dil dont give us sometimes the opportunity to simply be their "children's grandmother"?  I do not understand it either.    I agree with the previous posts of stepping back silently.  Looking needy doesnt help us at all.  We cannot change their attitude....but we can control our own lives and happiness.   

We are all here because we have been there or were in the past.   Things sometimes change dramatically....with a happy ending.  Sometimes it doesnt, but we have to accept what we cannot change.    We do cry, depressed ourselves, cant sleep......all because we are not allowed to be in the lives of those we so truly love.   It is not fair.....we must continue our lives with what we do have and let life be....  and never lose hope. 
We are like a big family here and vent all our worries freely and nice ladies here always trying to advice and support you the best they can.


I do wish the best for you and your peace of mind. 

Hugs
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: cremebrulee on July 26, 2010, 05:13:36 AM
Stained glass, I'm so very sorry to hear of these problems your having...it's just not fair...
I'm wondering, have you ever tried to sit down and speak to your son and his wife and tell them how you feel....not in anger, but in sincerity...?

Hugs and love
Creme
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: StainedGlassHeart on July 27, 2010, 10:24:04 AM
Thank you to everyone here.  My grief started almost 3 years ago.  Shortly after I was diagnosed with a serious physical health condition, my son moved out within days.  He had been with this girl for not sure how long.  I noticed my son's behavior changing about age 15-16. I just thought he was a typical teen.  As I was explaining my DX to my son and girlfriend, she smirked at me.  My son showed no emotion.  This was not like him.   They both told people I was fine, and just crazy.

As soon as he moved out, the communication waned to almost nothing.  The girlfriend was so controlling, she either always answered my son's phone and said he was busy, 'he can't talk right now, or erased the messages I sent to him.  She even tapped my bank account and drained it down to nothing-my bills bounced the first time ever! Then she had the nerve to try to tell me 'how to find solutions.'  They ran up hundreds of $ in phone bills in my name-never paid me back.  When my son moved out, I  and my friend hauled out about 20 sacks of garbage, and it took about 15 hours to clean his room.  (I had been so ill I could not climb the 20 something stairs to see if he was keeping his room clean) The rest of the house was clean.  This was shocking, as I am a very clean person, and I trusted my son to keep things clean.  The communication finally stopped completely-For about one year, I knew not if my son was dead or alive.  This was devastating, on top of trying to cope with a life-threatening illness, and a major move.  All the while, I have contuinued working.

They have excluded me from every holiday-no calls, no invites, no gifts, turn their phones off.  Yet they have spent every holiday with her mother and family, as they shared in later brief phone conversations. 

I have not one photo of my grandson-yet one day I discovered his photos were plastered all over the internet.  Some of my friends would call me to tell me how cute he is.  Coworkers would ask to see photos of him, yet I was lost for words , as I could produce no photos.

I am not a pushy person, I am not mentally ill, I respect people's individuality, and I am a giver.,  I have always been available to lend a helping hand when needed. In spite of the way my son and GF/wife? have treated me, I have been loving, given them gifts, tried to step back, yet be there. 

I never, never thought something this devastaing could happen to me.  From what I see here, this is pretty common.  It seems that a number of factors influence how grandparents fit in now.  I am old fashioned, with values the same.  It is difficult to look around and see how times and people have changed.  I long for the return of family values, respect for the older generations, strong work ethics and morales, -just plain 'treating people right.'

My heart is with all of you here-I surely empathize with each situation.  For those of you who feel depressed or unable to cope, hard as it sounds-we must go on. We must daily collect the pieces of our shattered hearts and make awindow for the son to shine through. That's all for now-God Bless you all. I hope everyone here is able to find some ray of hope today and find even one little thing to sauter the heart with joy.
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: Pen on July 27, 2010, 10:43:20 AM
This is so difficult; I cannot imagine your pain, SGH, but I think you're on the right track when you say "we must go on." Yes, we must take care of ourselves and put our efforts towards those who love us and appreciate us. Our hearts can be so badly broken that it seems incredibly naive to imagine they could ever be healed.

There may be tougher challenges ahead for which we will need our "woman warrior" (spiritual, centered, protecting) strength. We must be ready. In my case I'm preparing for the day (not yet on the horizon) when GC arrive and I'm denied access. It's not that I'm thinking negatively or dwelling on a negative outcome; I'm trying to be proactive to avoid a downfall.

I appreciate everyone's stories; I've learned much from our mighty, mighty WWU!
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: allcriedout on July 27, 2010, 05:20:47 PM
Stained Glass,

I totally can relate to your feelings of sadness. I have 3 sons. My oldest son (age 21) is married (she is 20) and stationed overseas. My granddaughter turned 1 in June.  DIL has created a lot of drama and now my son has cut me and his two brothers out of his life.  His wife wrote and said "you people" (referring to me and my two boys) were not the kind of people she wanted her children around.  I had an address to send my grandbabys birthday gifts to, however 1 week later they were returned to me. I was like you, a giver, was always there for him, was even there for DIL when her parents were not.  Its not right, but there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to change their way of thinking. I have to live my life.  I am told by many that one day my son will see the light, he will see DIL for what she is... I hope the tie is not forever severed... I am like you, I just cannot believe this happened. It seems like a dream sometimes. I am grateful for this forum, although I am saddened to see a similar situation as mine, I know that I am not alone.

~Sandy
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: luise.volta on July 27, 2010, 05:51:16 PM
Feeling your pain. Caring deeply and sending love...
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: Nana on July 27, 2010, 07:25:28 PM
STAINEDGLASSHEART


We must daily collect the pieces of our shattered hearts and make awindow for the son to shine through".



I loved this.

thanks for sharing
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: Keys Girl on July 28, 2010, 04:36:31 PM
Stained Glass Heart, I don't have any grandchilren, but I can only imagine the pain you are going through.

Here's my suggestion, there is a book called "Always Change a Losing Game".........I would change the game that you have to play.

There must be someone in your area or among your circle of friends who has small children and who could use a helping hand.  While your are having trouble with your biological family, you can start a new one of your own, and lavish all the love, attention and devotion to some children who will appreciate you and look forward to seeing you at holidays and birthdays.

The best way to get out of a depression is to help someone else and there are lots of women and children out there who could use the help of a "step-grandmother" who would add to their lives and they would add to yours.

You could even get a group of your female friends who could make gifts for Christmas for those kids and others, there are so many people out there that need a helping hand and I think you'll find that you'll forget your troubles and enjoy helping those who will appreciate it.

Hang in there, the sun will shine through those stained glass pieces once again.


Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: MagicGram on August 06, 2010, 06:54:11 PM
I would not do anything for your grandson's birthday, at least not anything for him. For yourself maybe go rock the babies in the church nursery or see a fun movie if that helps.  But to send a card or take out a newspaper add isn't going to help and may make things worse.  It can anger your DIL and son more than they are already.  Leave them alone, it won't hurt the baby, he won't feel neglected.  And I know lots of grandparents have fantasies of presenting of presenting estranged grandchildren with tokens of love and evidence of fidelity and the grandchildren being delighted years later at the thought that the mystery grandma loved them so much to do this. 

I'm not sure why this makes me uncomfortable.  Maybe because it seems obsessive or denial or a fantasy and a bit bizarre.  I see nothing wrong with saving ONE or two tokens of sentiments and leaving them for the grandchild, but something every year for his/her birthday and Christmas and thick journals of love and longing and veiled passive aggressive hits against their parents...it's too much.  You don't know who this child is going to grow up to be; he could be like his mother.  He is very likely to be told terrible stories about you.  If indeed the worse happens and you never see him again, chances are 50/50 or more he will never miss you.  People don't miss what they never kne usually.  He might grow up and find a sentimental token and one or two long letters (2 pages or less) sweet; but to be presented at the age of 24 with boxes  of stuff and pagesof heartbreak  at age 24 will seem overwhelming and obsessive.  I don't know how many people want to know that someone who never knew THEM personally was so focused on them;  it seems beizarre because in truth you don't know THEM you know only a fantasy of what you thought they might be, and that's just weird to others.  People want to be loved for themselves, and you may not ever have the opportunity.  And he might grow up to be a person you don't like.

Also how likely is your grandchild ever to receive the stuff, if you passed on before they grow up.  Likely the stuff will be dumpstered when your personal effects are disposed of.  His mother's not going to save it for him. 

I think focusing on him is not best for your mental health; if you are destined not to know this child, this person, then imaging you do and interacting with him is like interacting with a phantom and that's not healthy.  And with your health so affected by stress, I can't see this doing you any good.  By all means leave him a legacy and a token of hyour love.

My advice, and take it for what it's worth is to grieve his loss and let go. Get professional help while mourning; you HAVE sustained a horrible and unfair loss, and you are entitled to the full range of emotional response for it.  Get help in grieving and having your grief respected and validated.  Not just for your grandson but for your son and for what could have been.  You can find peace, but it's so hard going it alone.
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: MagicGram on August 06, 2010, 07:10:37 PM
I want to emphasize that I don't think you are wrong; I think you should leave a momento of your love for your grandson, just do it in moderation and in a way that you can do it and put it away.  Making your missing grandson an ongoing lifelong project will do nothing but constantly reopen your wounds.  That worries me for you.  But I do enthusiastically support you doing something; It's human nature and the final task in our lives to leave a legacy; but talk with a counselor about how to go about it to bring healing for YOU (because you matter).  I love your handle, Stainglassheart, it's a lovely handle.  Do you work with stained glass?  Maybe make your grandson a lightcatcher; or something that is so unique and emblematic to who you are.  Then put it away.  Perhaps when he turns 18, you write another letter or if you think you may be running out of time.  I've done something similar.  When we fill out the Census forms I write something in the margins, like "Hello descendants!  Wish I could live long enough to know you!"  And I put little tidbits like "John Smith next door flirts with me. Check out his census and see what you think!" and "Just thought you should know we have a long family history of lethal appendicitis" and "I have green eyes and freckles and a terrible sense of direction!"  I am an avid genealogist and love when I find little tidbits about my ancestors, so I figure in 72 or 200  years surely someone among my descendants will be interested in genealogy too and want to know more than dry facts.  They photocopy the returns and put them on Ancestry, so I know my foolish comments will eventually be read by someone.    I urge you to do something similar, but put in some thought as to what represents YOU and then let it go.   Do it  lightheartedly.  You'll feel better.
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: MagicGram on August 06, 2010, 07:29:00 PM
There's another reason to see a counselor. Your reply number 9 indicates possible enmeshment and over involvement.  Why did these people have access to your bank account?  There's generosity and then there's foolishness.  It sounds like he might be your only child and there is no partner in your life?  It must be very scary to face a devastating illness alone without your son's support but in truth he is too young at this time to be expected to help you much, in fact it is more likely your son is panicked and frightened by your illness, and scared of losing you and tempted to push you away to 'save' himself.

Please also do not romanticize the 'old days'.  I am 67 and my husband is 82.  We remember the old days and family values were not better then and the older generation was not venerated and things were not better, especially during the depression.  All the problems we have today, we had then; I remember my elders talking about who cut off who and who was feuding with whom within the family.  Fathers disappeared and abandoned their kids, poverty was worse, people had fewer options whatever their problems were, there was alot of family violence, more so then than now and just as much incest and serial killers and all that.  We just talk about it now, and that's better, and their are options for abandoned and abused wives, and there are services for p the elderly who lost their families through death or or through death.  Some of the problems are different (and yes we had drug problems when I was a kid plus  alcoholism and it was justa as ugly as it is now.) and there were social issues that are horrifying now, such as it was not unheard of for doctors who delivered a deformed or sickly or just plain unwanted baby (think illlegitament) baby to delay cutting the cord and thus letting the baby bleed to death.  It was considered a mercy.  And how mental illness was treated and 'feeblemindedness' and physical disabilities.  It's so much better now.  Not as good as it should be but better.  Concentrate on what you have in life not what is lost, especially don't concentrate on having lost a world that didn't actually exist they way romantics would have you believe.  People are pretty much the seem now as then, and the same around the world and you burden yourself feeling that you were perhaps born in the wrong time and wouldn't have these problems ifyou could just turn the clock back.  Please get some one to help you work through this.  You can be happy and at peace again, even i fyou don't like the situation.  I promise.
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: luise.volta on August 06, 2010, 09:16:23 PM
Yes, I agree. Please get someone to help you work through this." You are worth it!
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: StainedGlassHeart on August 08, 2010, 07:13:02 PM
MagicGram-I appreciate you taking the time to write comments-however, please let me clarify-I only had an idea or two regarding how to work throught this loss, and perhaps someday, if I was ever to meet my grandchild, the child would know I am not this horrible person that didn't care.  'Enmeshment and overinvolvement'-2 terms here not appropriate to my situation.  I am of sound mind, a professional working person, and I have never been the meddlesome type.  They pushed me away without my doing things to deserve such treatment.  I have only been loving and caring-with respect for their individuality.  I have tolerated poor treatment, yet had let them knowI was available if the had needed me.  I do not have depression.  I have fleeting moments of sadness, as part of the grieving process.  I live my life as usual, carrying on daily tasks, responsibilities, relationships, fun times.  I am coping well.  I encourage you to examine your circumstances, and I wish you well as you cope with your pain.
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: Keys Girl on August 09, 2010, 04:22:44 PM
Dear StainedGlassHeart,

Just a short note, I would not put anything in the newspaper.  I think it's fair to think that just about anything you do would be mis-interpreted so you are in the dammed if you do and dammed if you don't group as many of us are.

I would start writing a journal for your grandson, to tell him about his family.  Write about all the things that he might ask you once he grows up so he can get to know all about his "roots".  Maybe at some point in time you'll be able to give it to him when he is older, say his 18th birthday when he can be contacted without his parent's approval. 

You are in a brutal situation.  Unfortunately the best coping mechanism I know comes from a song about Hurricane Katrina.

"Breathe in, Breathe out, move on".
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: miss_priss on August 10, 2010, 01:17:11 PM
I'm just curious...in all these posts there is no mention of WHY you have been kept from your GC.  What is your DS and DIL's reason for this? 

Emotions and feelings aside, what are the facts???
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: StainedGlassHeart on August 15, 2010, 02:03:16 AM
Miss_Priss-I am not sure what you mean here.
I think what Louise says makes the most sense-'They are the way they are, and we can't change them.'  I have many more details and information that I do not wish to write here.  I understand some of the DIL behavior and its probable roots.  FACTS: she came from a broken family, abusive environment/in her early teens, she beat up her own mother  (who was diagnosed as mentally ill)/she has been arrested a few times (she has assualted officers)/she is extremely controlling as evidenced by her reactions and behavior in many situations, also witnessed by others/she has stated verbally she 'likes to see people cry and likes to hurt people'/she has demanded preferential treatment a number of times, with anyone to whom she has association/she has all narcissitic traits/she demonstrates no remorse/she keeps her home in squalor/she has stated disdainfully to me, the dislike for my values-the list goes on.  FACTS about me: I am a very caring person/I am professional/I keep a clean house/I have old fashioned values/I am a supportive person/I set some clear boundaries about non-acceptance of some of the behaviors/I am not a perfect person, however; I have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment from her or my son.

Since I have been reading posts from others, I understand more, the dynamics behind things that involve conflicts in family relationships.  I am grieving, as are we all-grieving is a 5 part process.  I have moments of deep sadness at the loss of the relationship with my son and grandchild-sadness that this girl came out of a bad environment and has made poor choices.  But. . . daily I find small treasures in life that can help patch my broken heart.  I have truly started to learn what it really means to let go.  I ask God to watch over them and redeem them.  I pray that the shackles that imprison them will be broken.  They may or may not ever be free.  I do know that I must free myself of the prison of pain that they have placed me in. 

Ask this-Why are so many people behaving in these ways that hurt us?  This is not an easy question to answer.  What we must ask ourselves is this? How may we respond to the pain find with our own lives after  the loss?
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: luise.volta on August 15, 2010, 08:32:00 AM
Beautiful. I love the quote that goes something like this: "It's not what happens to us but how we respond to it that defines us." Anyone know the correct wording and author? Sending love...I will look on Google.
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: luise.volta on August 15, 2010, 08:34:34 AM
Here it is: "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." This is a quote from Epictetus (c.AD 55-c. 135).
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: Pen on August 15, 2010, 11:11:37 PM
Quote from: miss_priss on August 10, 2010, 01:17:11 PM
I'm just curious...in all these posts there is no mention of WHY you have been kept from your GC.  What is your DS and DIL's reason for this? 

Emotions and feelings aside, what are the facts???

Miss_Priss, in a lot of our MIL situations there are no reasons given by DIL for being kept from GC or even DS. That's why it's so bizarre. If it hadn't happened to me I'd be wondering just as you are, assuming there must be something that was said or done to cause the problem.

In my case it happened almost instantly after the wedding, with no input from DIL other than she just didn't like us & didn't want to see us. She admitted we'd done nothing wrong; she just didn't like anything about us (well, she liked DS enough, apparently) and didn't want DS to spend time with us either. Whaa?? We've had to accept things as they are, 'cos how can we change if there's nothing to change? Nothing to apologize for? It's heartbreaking, and completely illogical, but that's the way it is.
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: cadagi101 on August 16, 2010, 12:58:39 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on August 15, 2010, 08:32:00 AM
"It's not what happens to us but how we respond to it that defines us."

a quote from luise Volta WWU c2010
Title: Re: Unable to celebrate Grandchild Birthday
Post by: Pooh on August 16, 2010, 07:16:14 AM
I find myself wanting to give you some hope that things may work out when your GC is an adult.  Although Magic makes some good points on you don't know if you GC will become an adult you like, I am a perfect example of an adult child being able to forgive and have a relationship as an adult.

My parents divorced when my mother was pregnant with me.  My father was an alcoholic and a womanizer during my parents 9 year marriage.  I have a brother that was 8 when the divorce occurred.  My Mother told me what had happened when I was around 14, as far as the truth about my father.  He was selfish and didn't want to take the blame for the divorce, so told everyone that my Mother had cheated and I was someone else's child.  Very bad marriage for my Mother.  Because of the lie he told, he had to pretend I didn't exist my entire life.  My Mother was going to give him visitation (although he didn't deserve it because he was not helping financially) but he had to stick to his story and say he didn't want to see a child that wasn't his.  He saw my brother sparadically for a few years but had not changed and eventually my Mother put a stop to it.  So I never met him and my brother did not see him after the age of 12.

Fast forward.  I was 25 and an accidental meeting with his new wife occurred.  I had known his new wife for about 6 years, but just didn't know she was married to my Father.  My children and her grandchildren attended the same skating party and my Father was there.  When he saw me, he knew immediately that I was his daughter because I looked exactly like my Mother.  He left in tears without confronting me and later, his wife came to me and asked me if I knew who my real father was.  I told her yes and she said, "Do you know his name?"  When I told her, she about fainted and looked at me and said, "Oh my, I am married to your Father."  It was a long road for me to meet him.  It took me over 6 months to decide to have that meeting.  He had changed from the person that was married to my Mother.  He had been sober for 10 years, was attending Church and was a different person.  I spoke to my Mother at length, and she was very open to me meeting him.

I am very glad that I did.  His first words were, "I was terrible to your Mother, you and your brother.  I make no excuses.  I was a bad person.  I hope you give me the opportunity to be in your life now that I am in a better place."   Did I love him?  No.  Did I like him?  No.  I had to work through MY anger and I chose to forgive him.  This will sound selfish, but I forgave him because I needed to do it for myself.  It wasn't for him.  I had carried an anger around for a Ghost and in forgiving him, I was able to let go of that Ghost.  I have now had him in my life for 17 years, and he has been a great Grandfather to my Sons as well.  It wasn't always easy, because out of respect for my Mother, I had double birthday parties and such for years to keep them apart.  But it was worth it. 

Now, I told you this to say this.  About our 3rd get together, he pulled out a scrapbook.  I had played tons of sports in school and received academic achievements as well.  He had watched the newspapers and had cut out every article I was in throughout my life and put them in that scrapbook.  He had kept up with me through the articles and had lovingly preserved every one of them.  At first it kind of took me back and I wanted to say, "If you took the time to do this, why couldn't you take the time to see me?"  But then I realized, he gave me a wonderful gift by staying away after he had sobered up.  As a teenager, I would not have appreciated him coming into my life all of a sudden and needed to be old enough to be able to see the situation as an adult.  When I realized that, the scrapbook made me break down and cry because I realized he had cared enough about me to keep up with me from a distance.

I think the journal idea is great.  That, or a scrapbook of sorts like my Father did.  He told me that even if I had never wanted to see him, it gave him peace and therapy to do it for himself.  If your GC turns out to be a good person and a forgiving one, it could go a long way.  But you also need to be ready to accept that things may not turn out that way.  And you can't dwell on it. You have to live your life with the attitude of maybe someday but not today.