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Quote from: Sarah on June 29, 2014, 03:28:36 AM

Quote from: herbalescapes on June 28, 2014, 02:11:06 PM

If my DH can't be bothered to take off from work to take his mom to the doctor or can't be bothered to remember her birthday with a card/call/gift or can't be bothered to ask his own parents to babysit  but leaves the arranging of a sitter entirely on my shoulders, should I be considered the DILFH?  I think the vast majority of MIL/DIL problems are really DM/DS and/or DH/DW problems, with the MIL/DIL being used as a scapegoat. 

Thank you for that.  I couldn't agree more.  If my husband leaves his mother to me to deal with while he sticks his nose in a book, then I get blamed for not doing it right, doing it well enough, not being nice enough, etc...then really, why does HE get a pass?  It is HIS family.  Only so much you can take.  But the OP's comments seem very patronizing to me.  jmo.

I agree with the patronizing tone.

I am a very loving DIL even though my MIL doesn't deserve it. For example, she called yesterday because she was distressed about the power outage in her area. (Not sure how the phone worked...) My MIL also likes to complain about my beloved SIL (My BIL's wife) to me. I quietly listened to my MIL criticize my SIL as a mother. For example, I said that my niece has such beautiful curly red hair. My MIL responded with complaints about my SIL not grooming her properly. My MIL said that my BIL was hovering over his daughter too much just because he put sunscreen on his child's porcelain skin. She even said that my niece needs a sibling, when she know darn well that my SIL suffers from secondary infertility. My MIL does nice things out of a sense of duty but she is a very mean and bitter woman. She is also a racist.

Some MILs feel that their bad behavior is justified because they feel "displaced" or "ignored". You and I both know this is pure nonsense.

Quote from: Lillycache on July 01, 2014, 07:46:51 AM

Quote from: tryingmybest on July 01, 2014, 07:09:50 AM
Thought I'd check back in and thank you wonderful women once again for helping me through the transition to MILhood. I lovingly detached, accepted the days before or after every single holiday. I never pushed or demanded or even asked, made it clear I knew the son's first priority had to be their new families - ie: wife and kids. It actually became easy after awhile because I had time to focus on my needs, and I relaxed!

Well, reality is hitting them in the face. "Their" families have never formed because the DIL's are still firmly emeshed into Their FOO. Sons are getting really sick of taking a back seat, when they get a seat at all. Now...they are turning back to Momma to try and discuss things to communicate...I've gently directed them back to their wives...who are sitting happily in their Mommy's kitchens getting and giving all the emotional support from their FOO they ever did, and having a build in vent for their marriage troubles. 

So I'm feeling guilty. Its clear there are problems, but my feeling right now is they' re not MY problems. I want to be emotionaally supportive but where is a safe middle ground?

I am also 4 years in to the break between myself and DIL.   TMB... I have stopped directing my son to his wife.  I used to do that, and to try to stay out of their affairs, but it didn't matter.  I was still a "problem" to be dealt with.  So NOW.. if my son comes to me on his own accord for advise or  help..  I give it, or at least offer my opinion if asked.  I've stopped worrying about what DIL may like or think..  Let her take it up with HIM for asking... or is she is really really brave... ME for giving.   

It took realizing that no matter what I did, or how good and unobtrusive I tried to be... the fact that I even existed or he even acknowledged me, and valued my opinion  was an issue.  SO now.. Who cares?   I know it's unfair to the husbands.   If wifey goes to her mommy for support and understanding.. that's normal and good..   If a man goes to HIS mother.. He's considered a whimp or worse yet a "momma's boy" and is guilty of sharing personal and classified information that his mom should not know.  Yet it is FINE for her mother and FOO to be in the loop and know what she does from morning to night.   I'm  done with worrying about it. .. My advise would be... If he asks you... why not feel free to offer what you have to give.  But that's my feeling on the matter.

I don't think that it is okay for a daughter to run to Mommy with her marriage problems. It creates division in a marriage and betrays privacy. My husband and I are both very private about what goes on in our marriage. That is the way it should be! Married couples need to learn to work out their problems on their own. Parents cannot be objective and they aren't going to be around all the time.

Tryingmybest, there is no need for you to feel guilty. You have done your part and there is no need for you to worry about problems that don't affect you. Keep directing your son back to his wife.

Have you ever asked your DIL why she thinks that you don't like her?

Quote from: Stilllearning on July 07, 2014, 04:33:52 PM
Opting out, the chances are that if you told your MIL what you thought you heard her say she would be shocked.  There is a lot of room for interpretation in regular conversation and often the people who are used to your language patterns understand what you are saying while others may think you are horrible.  Often our adult children interpret our comments as young children would and suggestions are, in their minds, turned into criticisms and advice is turned into orders. 

When you host your parents this month try reminding yourself that they are not paying your bills. They are no longer 'in charge' of you...you are in charge of yourself and their comments have no more weight than you give them.  You love them and want them to be a part of your life, but your life is no longer dependent on their good graces.  It will take the 'sting' out of their words and allow the 'love' in yours.

Good luck!!

I also want to add that this isn't the first time you have posted in my thread, for the purposes of blaming me for the problems I have with my MIL and my mother. I am not sure why you are so fixated on me, but I will be blocking you from now on. I do not come to this forum to have someone confront me about things that are not my fault. Mothers are not right all the time, my dear.

Quote from: Stilllearning on July 07, 2014, 04:33:52 PM
Opting out, the chances are that if you told your MIL what you thought you heard her say she would be shocked.  There is a lot of room for interpretation in regular conversation and often the people who are used to your language patterns understand what you are saying while others may think you are horrible.  Often our adult children interpret our comments as young children would and suggestions are, in their minds, turned into criticisms and advice is turned into orders. 

When you host your parents this month try reminding yourself that they are not paying your bills. They are no longer 'in charge' of you...you are in charge of yourself and their comments have no more weight than you give them.  You love them and want them to be a part of your life, but your life is no longer dependent on their good graces.  It will take the 'sting' out of their words and allow the 'love' in yours.

Good luck!!

I'm not sure why you mentioned my MIL as this thread was not about her.

As for interpreting La Mere's words as a young child, you may want to ask questions before making assumptions. Here is a thread that details the reasons for the kind of relationship I have with La Mere. As you will read, this goes far beyond a simple "interpretation issue":

http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,7039.msg74260.html#msg74260

I know it is hard to believe but sometimes parents can actually be out of line. Shocking I know. Most adults do not appreciate unsolicited advice and opinions from others because it is meddling. A good parent knows when to stay out of her adult children's business. Mothers who are controlling meddlers complain the loudest that they aren't being respected, however it is often because the meddling mothers are rude and intrusive. I have a nasty MIL and an even worse mother so I know what I am talking about.

I have decided not to have my parents in my home after all. My home is my sanctuary and I don't need to have anyone in my home if he or she brings nothing but pain to my life. La Mere can be upset all she wants. When I escaped her abusive home, I promised myself that she was never going to force me to do anything again. I don't need La Mere's negativity and I don't want her gossiping about my place to extended family. I also do not want to be embarrassed in front of my husband. I feel so ashamed when La Mere goes on one of  her tirades and my husband asks questions about her behavior. He can't stand my La Mere but he tolerates her because he loves me.

When I lived alone, I could only afford small and dingy places. La Mere loved to come over and loudly exclaim that I lived in a dump. I don't want her to do that again when I live with my husband. It would be embarrassing. My father swears that La Mere won't say such things, but I know what kind of person she is.

I have set firm boundaries so that I can enjoy my adult years, the way I couldn't enjoy my childhood because of my mother. I love my father very much because he is a loving parent. I only talk to my mother because if I don't, I will lose the rest of my family of origin. Everyone else in my immediate family is afraid of my mother except me. I wish that I could have only my father in my home but of course that wouldn't be acceptable.

Thank you for your response. I'm glad that I was able to explain myself further and correct your misconceptions.

That is great advice. It is hard not to be upset by my mother's behavior but it says more about her than me.

Hello all. I have posted in the past about my difficult relationship with my mother. She wants to be closer but I feel safer keeping her at a distance.

My eldest brother and my mom are very close. He is the one who my mother complains about the rest of her children to.

Apparently, my mother is offended and hurt that I won't have her in my home. I don't want her negative energy or rude comments.

My brother and my dad have both said that my mother will not behave that way. My brother also says that I need to give people a chance to change. I have experienced so much abuse and vitriol from my mother that I don't feel emotionally safe with her. My brother recently visited and he raved about the dinner I cooked as well as our place. Of course, my mother grilled him about the visit and he reported that I cooked a great meal and my place is lovely. Strangely, my mother was bragging to relatives that I live in a nice place; I don't know how she can do that when she hasn't even seen where I live.

So I am going to have my parents over for dinner sometime this month. I do not want to do this. However, I would rather not upset my parents unless it is absolutely necessary. I could be pleasantly surprised by my mother actually being polite to my husband and I, but based on her past behavior I am anticipating insults. I plan on leaving and going for a walk if my mother starts taking shots at us.

Any suggestions for getting through this dinner? 

Your daughter has no right to treat you this way. She is being abusive and horribly disrespectful. I also agree that she needs to pay her own way. I hate asking my parents for anything!

One sentence in your post stuck out at me. You mentioned that your daughter feels that you give more to her twin brother. While feeling that her sibling is favored does not excuse her behavior, it could be worth it to look at whether or not you have been kinder to her brother.

I know more than one mother who are very kind to their sons yet very tough on their daughters. It is so sad, especially once those mothers realize that their actions have caused distance in their relationships with their daughters.

How about limiting the amount of time you spend on the phone with your son?

You can also try asking why he only calls when he needs help. That might get him thinking.

Quote from: lostmom on June 10, 2014, 10:20:57 AM
I have admitted my mistakes to my children, told them I wish I could turn the hands of time back and do it all over again.  I have told them I love them all very much and will always love them!!  I never ever abused my children. But sadly yes, they were subject to abuse from my X husband.  My oldest daughter puts her dad on the top of the world.  My young daughter and my son do not speak to him at all.   I have tried especially hard with my oldest daughter and she is the one that has said she wishes I was dead.. I have spoken to my children, and the two we don't hate you, we just hate what we had to through in our childhood.  My oldest says she hates me because I am POS and insane and her dad never touched  me........ and I cheated on her dad and I am the worst mother on earth.  Since you are distance from your mother, maybe you can relate to my daughter's feelings???  If your mom came to you and tried over and over and over, would you still shun her.  I am sorry that you don't have your mom in your life as I know it must bother you somewhat and I am very sorry you were subject to abuse!  It does leave a lifetime impact on you...

It used to bother me so much that I looked for mother figures. Unfortunately, I attracted older women with issues of their own who were just as critical as La Maman was. Mothering can come from anyone. When I am loved and accepted by my husband, as well as nurtured when I need it, he is mothering me. When I play with my nieces and look after them, I am mothering those precious girls. Not having a good mother in my life was certainly a loss but I have grieved it now. She wants to be best friends now because she feels guilty, but I feel the need to protect myself. I visit and speak to my mother, but I will never have her in my home as she is too rude and disruptive. I also refrain from sharing anything too private with her as she loves to gossip about me.

It was very good of you to acknowledge your mistakes as a parent. Many parents don't know how to do this at all. I could see why your children would be angry that you cheated as it led to difficulties for them. Another possibility is parental alienation. Sometimes when there is a divorce, one parent manipulates the children to turn against the other one. I believe that your children have been fed a steady diet of hateful things about you by their father. When my father's affair came to light, my mother poisoned her children's minds against my father. I still love my father because he was so kind to me growing up and he still is. I also have sympathy for him as my mother was a screeching harridan who treated my father very badly. Any other man would have left my mother.

Have you ever asked your adult children why they hate you? I think that would be a good place to start.

I am very sorry that you are going through this. It must be heart wrenching.

My mother and I do not have a close relationship. She wants to be closer but I keep her at an arm's length to keep myself safe emotionally. She was abusive growing up and it continued into adulthood. My mother started to be kinder to me when she saw that I won't have her in my life if she is too negative. She wasn't invited to my wedding and I won't have her in my home.

No parents are perfect as parents are just people. Do you think that acknowledging your mistakes to your adult children might help? I know it helped me when my mother apologized to me for her behavior around my wedding.

Quote from: shiny on June 09, 2014, 03:46:52 PM
ES, thanks for your explanation of chilling and detaching!
Yes, it helped tremendously! Now I have to decide whether to practice "medium chill" on DIL, who doesn't give a whit about me, or "compassionate detachment" because the relationship is here to stay... hmmmm.
May open a new thread since I don't want to hijack this one.

Opting: I have been a DIL and now a MIL. My heart goes out to you for such wrong treatment. Boundaries need to be in place for all relationships, not just MIL/DIL, and sometimes I find myself in situations with family members where I have to draw the line and let them know to not go any further.
If I don't respect myself, neither will they.

I've been on this site for awhile, and it's not biased towards MIL, but sympathy is given for whoever is mistreated unfairly -- IMO.
FWIW, would love to have a DIL like you!

Yes, boundaries are important for all relationships.

Thanks so much for the compliment. I have always been a caring and tender kind of person. I am not a saint and my patience is finally wearing thin. I will acknowledge my MILs nice gestures and let my husband handle her rude moments. We will also refrain from visiting even though we are asked to all the time; just don't need to drive all that way to witness needless drama.

Quote from: confusedbyinlaws on June 09, 2014, 12:47:48 PM

Quote from: OptingOut on June 06, 2014, 05:28:21 PM
I have a MIL who is very critical and rude. She is very thoughtful and kind at times but mostly mean. She also does not like the fact that her son married a black woman. I won't go into all of the insults but she has made hurtful comments about my weight, my race and my clothing choices. Apparently I dress too "indecently" because I wear dresses above the knee and I spend too much money on clothes. I am also too fat to eat baked goods. It is also "disgusting" for my husband and I to kiss or cuddle in public.

In spite of her nasty behavior, I am still very polite and friendly to this woman. Even though I do not like her very much, she is my husband's mother and I believe that I need to bite my tongue for that reason. Though I am not close to my mother, my mom gave me some good advice when I got married: "When your MIL isn't kind to you, keep on being good to her. Do not talk back to your MIL or get into fights with her. She is old enough to be your mom and you need to show her respect at all times." Believe me, if she wasn't my MIL I would tell her where to shove her snide remarks. 

My MIL becomes particularly upset whenever her sons do anything nice for their wives. She will complain that her DILs are too spoiled (We both work full time) and she feels sorry for her sons. When my MIL makes terrible comments to her DILs faces, her sons rightfully stand up for their wives. When this happens, my MIL likes to play the victim.  My husband's aunt told me that my MIL just doesn't like the fact that women have taken her sons away.

Is it common for a mother to feel slighted and jealous when sons marry? I do not have children so I don't know how it feels. I would think that it is normal for adult children to marry and shift allegiances to their spouses. What do you think?

I think it is common for MILs to feel that way, but that doesn't give her the right to insult you any way she wants.  Once when I was complaining about my MIL someone said to me "you teach people how to treat you"    I realized that by saying nothing whenever she commented about my weight or insulted me in other ways, I was telling her that it was ok for her to behave this way.  I am not suggesting you get into a screaming match or yell at her or treat her in a disrespectful way, but I think it's fair to let people know when they have crossed a line and that you won't allow it and your husband should back you up.   
I understand that when people grow up and leave home and marry, it's an adjustment for a mother.  I am also a MIL.  I feel fortunate that I was able to let go of my need to nurture my grown children before they got married.    I believe that adult children should shift their allegiance to their spouse.  It doesn't mean parents should be shut out necessarily but they need adjust to the fact that they are not #1 in their child's life anymore and learn to respect boundaries.

I understand what you are saying as it make complete sense. I agree with you under normal circumstances. However, my MIL isn't really a normal person.

I believe that blood talks to blood; it is much easier for a jealous MIL to hear a critique of her behavior from her adult child than her DIL. I also do not want to be stereotyped and that part is almost impossible to comprehend unless you live with the implications of being a racial minority yourself. My husband talks to his mother when she is nasty to me; she throws tantrums and acts like she is so hard done by. My SIL has confronted my MIL more than once about her behavior since my MIL is nasty to her too. All it results in is more screaming. If my MIL was more rational and not racist, I would have calmly confronted her already.

I believe that toxic parents should be held at an arm's length, so that they don't poison their adult childrens' marriages. My parents live much closer to us and we see them once a month. I rarely call my mother unless she calls me and when we speak, I do not share anything private with her. I also refuse to have my parents in my home as I don't want my mother to make a scene and start insulting us. These boundaries sadden my parents but I need to protect my little family of two. My mother's behavior already cast a pall over our engagement and wedding. One of the big reasons we eloped is to escape her negative energy.

My in-laws live more than 12 hours drive away from us. We have made the trip twice, only to be subjected to nasty remarks and screaming matches with my BIL and his wife, along with more loud fights with his mother. My husband has decided that we will not be visiting again for a long time. I have also told my husband that when we do visit again, we will be staying in a hotel as I refuse to stay in my MILs home again as long as she is alive. We realize that it is pointless to try to reason with those who are very immature, impulsive and explosively angry.

I feel sorry for parents whose adult children have cut them off, however some (NOT ALL!) parents only have themselves to blame. If parents are disrespectful and intrusive, they shouldn't expect to have a close relationship with their adult children.

Quote from: Stilllearning on June 09, 2014, 11:24:27 AM
Nothing is flat enough to have only one side.   I hope things work out for you all!

I hope things work out for you and your son too.

I have been a kind and loving DIL even though my MIL doesn't deserve it. I have nothing to prove. 

Quote from: Pooh on June 09, 2014, 11:18:16 AM
You will find on this site, that no one here finds it difficult to believe that an MIL can be cruel and hard to get along with.  For many of us, we have experienced both sides.  I had the horrible MIL the first time and a great one the second time.  I have a good DIL and a cruel DIL.  Many of us here have been/are both.  I am an MIL and a DIL.

Just don't believe all MILs are that way, no more than I believe all DILs are that way.

It appears that there is a lot of sympathy for MILs and much less for DILs who are suffering because of their husband's mothers.