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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: AG on October 05, 2011, 12:11:46 AM

Title: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 05, 2011, 12:11:46 AM
Hi, I grew up in a country where elders are to be respected etc. I moved here when I was 19, met my husband when I was around 21 and we married 5 years later. It's been 9 years since we were married so 14 years together. Right off the bat, my MIL has been very mean and vindictive. She has misunderstood almost everything I say (and type), rehashes and remoulds to suit her own idea. For example - my mom is very funny, we joke around and say silly things. So my mom told my MIL that DH was the only guy who could tame my daughter. My MIL has taken that to mean that I am crazy and nuts and should be on medication. In any case, DH and I got married in my country, we had provisions for MIL and extended family who did not want to fly out (we offered to PAY for their flights and stay), to watch the wedding on-line on the computer. My MIL complained like crazy that she would have to be up at 7 am to watch the wedding (time difference) to this day I am not sure if she even saw any of the wedding. She never welcomed me into the family - only FIL said I am happy I have another daughter. All though the 14 years, I have sent MIL and SIL flowers on b'days, MIL is irish so irish stuff on St. Pat's. Cooked food when I visit, help take care of FIL (type 2 diabetic amputee). Do and fold the laundry, everything. More than I do in my own home.

So, before we got married, there was an incident with my SIL which I have recently (14 years later) have learnt was instigated by my MIL. My SIL ended up screaming a lot of racial things to me - which if you have been through, let me tell you is very very hard to forgive and forget. Then, While I was preg with child 1 my MIL said she hoped it was a boy because girls are no good - guess what? I had a Girl, my beautiful baby. Then when I was preg with child 2 she starts off again with it would be nice for you to have a boy, we really need a boy etc etc - it was another girl OX her a lot too. My MIL did not talk to me to wish me on having a good delivery or anything.  Now, when I told DH about the whole boy thing he said I was imagining it. OK I let it slide. My MIL makes these tiny comments when I am around, and faint praise - that's like OK on the surface but if you really stop and think about it, it's very hurtful. So this goes on and on when I am there. I have an anxiety attack before we go to visit - again DH says it's all in my head.

This past weekend was my FIL's b'day and my SIL was going to come down etcetc. My SIL is notorious for saying she is going to do something then does not do it. So, I asked MIL if SIL is going to come because it was 7pm and the kids go to bed at 730pm. So MIL said do what ever you want, you always do. I said oh! what do you mean? She said I've noticed that when {SIL} is around you roll your eyes and have a scowl on your face. I said I really don;t understand what you are trying to say to me. She said you don't want to have anything to do with (SIL) and whenever she comes here you say you are sick, or tired and you never want to talk to her. Well, this time she actually came out and said it, so I asked DH to talk to his mom. MIL tells DH that I am crazy and there is something wrong with me and I fight with everyone (which is weird because she and SIL are the ones doing that). She brings up some incident with my child's teacher and said that I fought with her (totally not true) and all kinds of other stuff she has manufactured in her head. Now, I can't handle people talking this about me, so I say what are you saying? who says I'm crazy? I want to know, I don't understand. So she starts yelling at me and I am yelling at her (sorry you know that would happen). MY DH tells me to go upstairs and pack the bags the kids are getting upset. MIL says that I WANTED this to happen from day 1 and I have been planning this all along.

So I stood there and said no I did not, YOU are the one who never wanted me to marry you husband and never wanted me as part of your family. Then she LUNGED at me with her bare hands going for my throat saying "I'm gonna kill you, I could kill you right now". DH had to step between us so she did no harm. So I said (stupidly) oh yeah? and she rushed at me again and said you bad words and tried to hit me. Again DH pushed me upstairs and told me to go. SIL arrived and was all confused and told me I was wrong and that I should have walked away. MIL told DH that he was a bad son because he did not care about them anymore. Now all this happened in front of the kids, all the aftermath crying and fighting between DH and me witnessed by the kids. We have spoken to them now that this is not how adults handle things and I am being very attentive to any problems.

Now my MIL is turning all the women in that family against me. Don't laugh but they are "un-friending" me on FB one at a time - this is the only contact I have with them and I don't want a FB drama. I feel very lonely as my family is far far away and I have no friends> I feel depressed but I can not tell anyone - my parents would worry needlessly and my DH is under stress (job security lay offs etc). I feel like I am being bullied and punished. I am crying as I type this (My MIL would say that I am manipulating you). I just don't know what to do. Please help me!
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: lancaster lady on October 05, 2011, 01:09:02 AM
Hello AG and Welcome .....

As the members of the Forum awake , they will be posting I'm sure to help you with your problem .
For now I would detach and keep calm .
If you and your DH have a good marriage , I'm sure you will both come through this .
It is sometimes the hardest union to make work , a MIL and DIL relationship, no matter what we do .
Perhaps now your DH can really see what his DM thinks of you .
I hope you can sort it out , I know what stress in the family can do .
Take Care and keep posting .
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 05, 2011, 01:13:39 AM
Thank you for posting - I have been up all night and just can't sleep because I have a knot in my stomach. Thanks for reaching out to me. Things seem worst at night.
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: lancaster lady on October 05, 2011, 01:22:06 AM
AG ....

I totally know where you are just now , in the depths of despair , I thought of this saying :
There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone  and trying to
fix everything , but its not giving up .
It's realising you don't need certain people and the drama they bring .

I hope this helps to calm your inner storm .
Tomorrow is another day .
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: elizabeth on October 05, 2011, 04:47:23 AM
AG,

I'm really so sorry you have had to go through such a heart rending business with your MIL.
It truly is difficult and sad, but also a dangerous thing that happened to you.

I was threatened in an extremely similar way by a family member.
I relate that to you because I want to say that it can be difficult when family pressure and
the confusion such abuse from someone brings, to realize just how dangerous this person is.

Please don't be in a house with her again. Never never get in a room alone with her.
A normal conversation can escalate quite quickly with people of your MIL's nature into a full flegded physical attack. EVen if your husband and no one else seems too worried about it, you must take precautions to protect yourself from here on out. I know that sounds radical, but believe me its not.
Its not easy to take that stand, but you really must do it.

I'm so inspired by the way you have handled this situation with your family. Especialy reading how you took your children from the situation and what you said to them. Good for you.

I can tell that you are very stable and strong and that you will be able to find ways to cope with the future, but the future will not be what you expected family life would be.

I can also relate to family members diagnosing the "crazy" status. Thank God my DH knows me better than anyone and can see my sanity clearly, he would never put up with anyone declaring or slandering me on my mental health, which has never been questioned by anyone else in the world, at work or friends. So stay strong AG and there will be many women posting their experiences for you here today. I have found this site strengthening and extremely enlightening, its really unlocked many doors for me that I thought were closed by fear and guilt.

Blessings and encouragement coming your way...
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 05, 2011, 05:10:35 AM
Thank you so much for all of your wise advice and encouragement. It really was an attack with no provocation what so ever. I feel so bad about the whole thing. My DH's nieces were in their tweens when I met them. They have come and stayed with us a couple of times, and we have always taken them around town (NYC). I feel like they are my nieces. I feel bad that they have been turned against me now. I just feel so incredibly sad! Like grief. I will never spend a second alone with my MIL again because she just has something against me. But, I feel bad that a network of women now have the wrong, one sided view about me and I am not able to defend myself. My SIL expects me to go to her house and spend holidays with her. She says I have to do it for the family. But I can not understand how I am supposed to go there (PA) with so much negativity and animosity towards me. I will feel judged every second of every hour that I am with his family. I have to take DD to school now. I will be on again in a couple of hours. Thanks again for the love and support - I really need some TLC (so to speak). And Yes, I am continually reinforcing to the kids that there is a right way and wrong way to deal with anger, and what Nanny and Mommy did was wrong and that we are not supposed to behave like that as adults. Thank you thank you for your support!
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: pam1 on October 05, 2011, 07:32:48 AM
Welcome AG :)

I'm so sorry you went through that, how scary!  But now you know, this is a dangerous woman.  She does not care who is around, she will assault you.  And if she is this bold, she will assault children too.  She is very, very dangerous.  Saying she could kill you should be taken at face value. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, what is he doing now to resolve the situation? 

How long ago did this happen?  If not very long, I would get a restraining order that protected myself and children.  Your husband might be upset but he is not doing his job by protecting you.  You feel bullied b/c you are being bullied and it stepped over from just "mean girl" drama into physical violence and threats.

Block MIL and DHs FOO from your facebook and any other means of contacting you/spying on you.  Do not answer the phone when they call, do not respond to emails.  And document everything.  Please do not take this lightly.
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: pam1 on October 05, 2011, 07:34:17 AM
Sorry, forgot to ask you to read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First.  I did have to edit out some profanity, I understand you were just repeating what your MIL said to you.  No biggie
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 05, 2011, 08:57:01 AM
Pam 1, so sorry aboutthe profanity, thanks for correcting me. I re-read the terms and better understand then now - it was around 230 am when I posted and i was not thinking clearly - apologies to all. My computer keys are sticking so my sentences look off.

I am very confused about what to do or think. This happened on Saturday last. The "good" thing to all this is my SIL has called, and is very supportive of me and has told me and DH that MIL is wrong and what is happening to me is wrong. She also said that if I move back to my country (I really want to)that she would understand 100% and thatmaybe it is something that we should do. It is sad but,we would have a better life there. Here my DH is off and on work every 3 months, we are struggling. In my country he would have no trouble finding a job, friends, excellent affordable housing ...and it is warm all year! We could come to US every June/July for 3 weeks with his folks. If there is an emergency he can be here in 24 hours.

Thank you Elizabeth, for sharing your story with me. It makes me so extremely sad. Pam1, thanks am at a loss of words as to her behaviour - i actually thought she was having a stroke! My DH is with me 100%. He told his mom that for one supposed eyeroll which no one elsesaw, you are going to discount the past14years of (me) making good with the family.

Sorry this is getting to be a long ranting post! Thank you all again. Please, if you can provide me with any coping tools or more words of wisdom, I really truly need it! Thanks again you are all such loving women {hugs}
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: sesamejane on October 05, 2011, 08:58:52 AM
It also sounds as if mil and maybe others in her family do not value women.  the women in her family likely support one another because they are "family" or maybe they just tolerate one another. You are an outsider, and perhaps they are jealous of your confidence as a woman.  I don't know if this is true or not, but it could be another way to look at it.  MIL sounds as if she needed to tear you down, you are threatening to her.

So...there is nothing you can do about her or the rest of the women in her family.  The smart, astute women will not pay any attention to the drama.  Well...maybe they will sigh and think 'here she goes again.'  The ones who do not support you, you do not need in your life.  I say, thank G.. that this happened to reveal to you the depth of this animosity.  Now you can stay away, and keep your girls away, from people who would tear you and/or tear them down!  Get on with your life! Your relationship with dh and dc are the most important ones right now.  Cultivate and nurture positive relationships with other women you know.

Take care of yourself everyday adn know that you have the support of the women on this site.  Welcome... :)
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 05, 2011, 09:03:04 AM
Quote from: lancaster lady on October 05, 2011, 01:22:06 AM
AG ....

I totally know where you are just now , in the depths of despair , I thought of this saying :
There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone  and trying to
fix everything , but its not giving up .
It's realising you don't need certain people and the drama they bring .

I hope this helps to calm your inner storm .
Tomorrow is another day .

Thank you. You are right aboutthe drama aspect.I feel so defenceless as i have no way to cope with this. Right now in thelight of day, withthe sun shining, i feel calmer. I hope it will last . Thank you ox
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: Pooh on October 05, 2011, 09:08:19 AM
Welcome AG and so sorry for your troubles.  Your MIL sounds toxic and I agree with the others, stay away.  I know it's hurtful having all the women unfriending you, but if that's what they believe then you are better off so they can't cause you any drama on FB.  I want to clarify something.  You said your DH told you to go upstairs and pack?  Was he telling you to get out?

As far as you having noone to talk to, can you go see a counseler or therapist to help you sort this out?  It sounds like you need someone in your corner and seeking professional help could really help you get some advice on what to do.
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 05, 2011, 09:45:41 AM
Quote from: sesamejane on October 05, 2011, 08:58:52 AM
It also sounds as if mil and maybe others in her family do not value women.  the women in her family likely support one another because they are "family" or maybe they just tolerate one another. You are an outsider, and perhaps they are jealous of your confidence as a woman.  I don't know if this is true or not, but it could be another way to look at it.  MIL sounds as if she needed to tear you down, you are threatening to her.

So...there is nothing you can do about her or the rest of the women in her family.  The smart, astute women will not pay any attention to the drama.  Well...maybe they will sigh and think 'here she goes again.'  The ones who do not support you, you do not need in your life.  I say, thank G.. that this happened to reveal to you the depth of this animosity.  Now you can stay away, and keep your girls away, from people who would tear you and/or tear them down!  Get on with your life! Your relationship with dh and dc are the most important ones right now.  Cultivate and nurture positive relationships with other women you know.

Take care of yourself everyday adn know that you have the support of the women on this site.  Welcome... :)

Sj I wrote a nice response to you and I lost it! Go figure! I think you hit it on the nail when you said women aren't valued at IL's. My SIL told me that IL's moved heaven and earth to help DH go to college, but did nothing at all for her. Refused to sign loan papers etc. I think it still hurtsher to this day. Thank you so much for your response. I am getting so much strength from all of you wonderful wise women. Thank you ox
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 05, 2011, 09:56:00 AM
Quote from: Pooh on October 05, 2011, 09:08:19 AM
Welcome AG and so sorry for your troubles.  Your MIL sounds toxic and I agree with the others, stay away.  I know it's hurtful having all the women unfriending you, but if that's what they believe then you are better off so they can't cause you any drama on FB.  I want to clarify something.  You said your DH told you to go upstairs and pack?  Was he telling you to get out?

As far as you having noone to talk to, can you go see a counseler or therapist to help you sort this out?  It sounds like you need someone in your corner and seeking professional help could really help you get some advice on what to do.

Hi Pooh, thanks for your welcome. It is refreshing to interact with normal women who actually care. Youare right about the FB thing. SIL said that her DD's and my MIL tried to use her FB wll to postnasty things about me and she put an end to it. To clarify, Dh was asking to pack so that we could return home. We live 2.5 hours away from IL's so we tend to go there for 3 days at time. So, he wanted me to pack up all ourthings so we could leave (my Dds, DH and me) He did not want to benear his mom. I think you are rightabout professional help. This is because I for some reason have today started blaming myself for this and iknow it is not. I feel like I want my mom to hug me, and tell me everything will be ok. I don't know, we my not be able to afford help. But, you and ll the women here are helping me a lot by making me focus on what is important and just forget the rest. I thank you for it. Ox
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: Pooh on October 05, 2011, 12:47:17 PM
Thanks for answering AG, I knew I was missing something.  I'm very glad to hear DH is standing with you and your SIL.  See, you are soooo not alone.  Seeking out a professional gives you a neutral party to discuss your issues with.  Blaming yourself?  Been there...done that....got the t-shirt.  We have all done that and it is perfectly normal.  We all seem to second-guess ourselves when sometimes it is just senseless.  That's what makes us the better person.  We want to figure out where we went wrong and take some responsibility.  While the other party thinks they didn't do anything wrong and it's always someone else's fault.

I think you and DH need to decide what's best for you and your family.  Present a united front and stick with it.
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: Doe on October 05, 2011, 02:29:06 PM
Hi AG-

I know this is hard for you to see but this looks like a blessing in disguise to me. 

"Now my MIL is turning all the women in that family against me."

This sounds like the best thing that could have happened to you - there is nothing hanging over your head and you and DH have a good reason for a clean break.

And I'm here to tell you that you will survive the FB unfriending.    You can consider yourself friended by the ww here in their places!

Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: pam1 on October 05, 2011, 02:50:32 PM
Aww ok, thanks for clarifying.  I too thought DH was telling you to pack and leave your house.  Got it now!

Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: Nana on October 06, 2011, 02:31:14 AM

I agree with all the wise women who answered your post.   You dont need this kind of people around your life.  Best thing that happened to you.  You still have your husband and children by your side.  You mil declared war on you...and I bet she will regret it.  You will continue your life...and she will have lost a lot.  You are a great woman....did the best you could and didnt work.  You took a lot...admire your patience....

Good luck to you
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 06, 2011, 05:54:35 AM
Thanks Nana and Doe. I think this is the first time in my life I am facing such behaviour. I think my MIL is severely depressed. She is about 60 and stays at home since my FIL is a severe diabetic - which resulted in an amputation. I understand that she is under a lot of stress as her husbands care provider. Unfortunately, she has no one to confide in save MIL's own sister and MIL's daughter. My FIL is able to walk and manages to do small jobs for a company he works for so, he is bringing home income. After he leaves for work, or even when she is done wrapping and prepping him for the day, She sits in front of her TV and chain smokes. Her only window to the world is that TV, the sister and daughter. Sometimes DH calls but he works 12 hour days and some weekends so that's even rare. I believe too much "housewives" is bad for someone in that state  :o

What I am trying to say is that intellectually, I understand her mentality and her way of thinking. However, I also think that I am not her punching bag. DH stands by me 100% but, worried about MIL's mental state. Turns out that she is telling anyone who will listen that I made FIL cry the day before his birthday. Where as he started crying after she would not stop yelling stuff at me. What bothers me is the injustice of it all. I am just so sick and tired of her and her little minions. I am ever so thankful for this forum for giving me courage and support. OX
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: lancaster lady on October 06, 2011, 06:05:33 AM
Sounds to me AG that you are well out of it !
Perhaps she is a little bit jealous of your lifestyle and status , and wants to make you look bad .
People that know you will know that it's all lies .
Be proud of who you are , and don't let her bring you down to her level .
She seems to have a sad little life , and you could have been that ray of light she was looking for .
Her Loss !
She may have to be persuaded that she actually needs counselling , not your call , thank goodness .
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: Pooh on October 06, 2011, 06:12:07 AM
You do seem to have a good handle on this.  I like to try and understand another's person's side, but I also make sure I don't confuse compassion/sympathy/understanding with excuses.  I totally understand why my DIL is like she is, but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat everyone badly and disrespectfully.  Children get free passes when they are little when they are a product of their homelife, but adults don't.  They have the ability to change and make better choices.

I can't help but think, that if your MIL has all these women unfriending you, then she can contact them for support.  If they want to be her allies, then they can go visit her.  Until she seeks help, take yourself out of the equation.
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: pam1 on October 06, 2011, 07:21:09 AM
AG, have you checked out bpd?  Your MIL sounds like she would fit that personality disorder.  Of course, a professional would have to diagnose her and I think she is sort of teetering on the edge of meeting requirements to be taken in against her will.  Your DH might want to call around and get professional advice especially considering your MIL is the caregiver for FIL.  DH really needs to keep a close eye on her, who knows what is going on behind closed doors.

She might not have bpd but I found the materials and ways of coping with a personality disordered individual very helpful.  My MIL is diagnosed and since I've learned of all this I've found the suggestions helpful in dealing with other problematic people who are not diagnosed.  Worth a look
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: elsieshaye on October 06, 2011, 08:22:15 AM
AG, adverse circumstances can make people more sensitive, a little more snappish, etc.  But what you're describing isn't caregiver burnout.  Your MIL and the women in her family are not people you need in your life.  Go make friends with other moms in your area.  Are there playgroups for your kids' age groups locally?  Join them.  Go to the library during storytime with them and meet other moms.  Losing these people from your life is an opportunity to make a better life for yourself and your family.  Don't let the fear of loneliness stop you from keeping those toxic weirdos away.
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: Doe on October 06, 2011, 08:47:30 AM
Yes, this woman is suffering and I imagine your presence adds to it - not anything that you are doing, but your existence.  She's miserable and you have a good life with a future to look forward to.  I can imagine it would be hard for her to be around people who are doing well so you would be doing her a service to subtract yourself from her life.  And doing yourself a service, too!
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 06, 2011, 10:19:13 AM
Quote from: lancaster lady on October 06, 2011, 06:05:33 AM
Perhaps she is a little bit jealous of your lifestyle and status , and wants to make you look bad .
People that know you will know that it's all lies .
Be proud of who you are , and don't let her bring you down to her level .
She seems to have a sad little life , and you could have been that ray of light she was looking for .
Her Loss !
She may have to be persuaded that she actually needs counselling , not your call , thank goodness .
Hi LL, thanks for your continued support and insight> Yes, I believe you are right about a bit of jealousy - she has mentioned before that I have it "made". Even I feel that I was really good for her but as I have grown from this incident, I will not be her punching bag any more. My SIL wants to get her to some counseling but I think that is wishful thinking because MIL thinks everyone else is the problem, not her. It is interesting to mention, that all her brothers wives are not on speaking terms with her. i.e if they meet at a wedding etc, then it's OK but they have nothing to do with her at all. She is a sad figure and she has only made her life worse. But, I can't help but feel bad for her ... I am too empathetic for my own good.
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 06, 2011, 10:27:40 AM
Quote from: Pooh on October 06, 2011, 06:12:07 AM
You do seem to have a good handle on this.  I like to try and understand another's person's side, but I also make sure I don't confuse compassion/sympathy/understanding with excuses.  I totally understand why my DIL is like she is, but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat everyone badly and disrespectfully.  Children get free passes when they are little when they are a product of their homelife, but adults don't.  They have the ability to change and make better choices.

I can't help but think, that if your MIL has all these women unfriending you, then she can contact them for support.  If they want to be her allies, then they can go visit her.  Until she seeks help, take yourself out of the equation.
Hi Pooh,  I think I have reached a philosophical view of the whole incident, but her physical threat will not be forgotten. Actually, the only two "women" un-friending me are her grand daughters ... they are just over-grown girls who are still trying to get their lives together so, they are under the sway of dear nanny. MIL's sister is still OK. One of my MIL's main complaints is that when I we go for our 3 day visits I say I am always tired. I have tried to explain to her that a. three people on a twin bed does not make for peaceful sleep, and b. most of the holidays we visit them is either end of month/beginning of month, which is when I have my period (yes TMI but it's true) and I kid you not, my period makes me super duper tired, especially after having kids, it's like being in my first trimester all over again. It has been like this all my life. I have gone on hormone therapy and everything, my doc is flabberghasted - nothing works. And she refuses to acknowledge this problem. She says I make it up so I don't have to interact with them. These things are just swirling around in my head. I am so sorry, I keep on thinking I will not discuss this and I keep going on and on. Sorry!
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 06, 2011, 10:31:03 AM
Quote from: Doe on October 06, 2011, 08:47:30 AM
Yes, this woman is suffering and I imagine your presence adds to it - not anything that you are doing, but your existence.  She's miserable and you have a good life with a future to look forward to.  I can imagine it would be hard for her to be around people who are doing well so you would be doing her a service to subtract yourself from her life.  And doing yourself a service, too!
Doe, your comment made me laugh. I think you are absolutely right. I love it! My existence bothers her! hahaha! My SIL told me that no matter who had married DH, she would have behaved this way with them. I have told DH before that with MIL, familiarity breeds contempt. I am relieved I will not have to deal with her. Just a few hours here and there. Then again i feel bad because of FIL ....
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 06, 2011, 10:34:34 AM
Quote from: pam1 on October 06, 2011, 07:21:09 AM
AG, have you checked out bpd?  Your MIL sounds like she would fit that personality disorder.  Of course, a professional would have to diagnose her and I think she is sort of teetering on the edge of meeting requirements to be taken in against her will.  Your DH might want to call around and get professional advice especially considering your MIL is the caregiver for FIL.  DH really needs to keep a close eye on her, who knows what is going on behind closed doors.

She might not have bpd but I found the materials and ways of coping with a personality disordered individual very helpful.  My MIL is diagnosed and since I've learned of all this I've found the suggestions helpful in dealing with other problematic people who are not diagnosed.  Worth a look
hi Pam, you may be right ... however, there is no way MIL will ever go to any kind of evaluation. I was reading another post on this wonderful forum and ran into a post regarding Deborah Tannen books. I think I am going to invest in one to see if maybe we were communication differently/ I don't know .... If not me, maybe it will help DH talk to his mom. Thank you for your continued strength and support - I just love this forum! OX
Title: Re: MIL threatened to kill me
Post by: AG on October 06, 2011, 10:37:40 AM
Quote from: elsieshaye on October 06, 2011, 08:22:15 AM
AG, adverse circumstances can make people more sensitive, a little more snappish, etc.  But what you're describing isn't caregiver burnout.  Your MIL and the women in her family are not people you need in your life.  Go make friends with other moms in your area.  Are there playgroups for your kids' age groups locally?  Join them.  Go to the library during storytime with them and meet other moms.  Losing these people from your life is an opportunity to make a better life for yourself and your family.  Don't let the fear of loneliness stop you from keeping those toxic weirdos away.
Thanks elsieshaye, I think it maybe a bit of both? If that can happen? Long resentment against me combined with some kind of caregiver burnout etc ... You are right, I don't need them in my life, but it makes me sad because I want to be part of a big happy family. I will look into the playgroups and definitely interact more with other moms. I really need some stable, friendly female presence in my life. Thank you so much for posting this, yes, it is the loneliness that makes me so, so, sad. Thanks again!