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I too married a critical, knit picking man and I totally understand how difficult it is to handle.  Don't get me wrong he is wonderful and unfortunately he is usually right which just makes it that much harder to bear.  Years ago we worked out a system for telling each other when we were getting annoyed with the other's input.  We say "who's goat is this" and it kinda means "are you going to do this or are you going to let me" and if he (or I) continue with the advise the irritated one just walks off.  If you leave them to finish the task they know how to do better than you do they learn.  Or at least we did.  And yes, I have been left to do all kinds of things.....mow the lawn, pull the weeds, wire the computers...and he has been left to cook the meal, vacuum the floor, make the beds.  It works for us.......maybe you could figure out some kind of code with your best friend

Sometimes the relationship between siblings can be more like a parent/child relationship.  You are (if my math is correct) about 9 years older than your sister.  She came to the US when she was 15 which is a very difficult time to be separated from the older sister who you worship (at that age) and look to for guidance.  I think the issue probably started then.  Sometimes we cannot get over these issues. If your sister does not have children that would make it worse.   

As for your daughter she is at the age where most children pull away.  I am sorry that the tension between you and your sister has made a normally distressing time into a real mess.  Most of us at this site have had similar problems with their children and the overwhelming (and sound) advice we get is to take care of ourselves first.  If you let your life revolve around this  then you will be miserable and your younger children will suffer.  So my advice is for you to find something you like to do and do it more often!  Whenever you think of your sister change your train of thought.  Take your younger children to the park or something.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this!  It must be very difficult to move to a new country, learn a new language and have these things happen too!  You must be a very strong woman!  My hat is of to you!  Hang in there!!

I once had a terrible year filled with illness and loss.  I took my calendar out on New Year's eve and burned it one month at the time.  It was cathartic.  Then I started the new year with a new attitude.  It is amazing how such simple things can be an outward sign of an inward shift.  Good for you!!

What a wonderful time I have had trying to set up my perfect imaginary cruise!!  Should I go to the Bahamas? Sailing? Visit the pyramids in South America?  Scuba dive? Australia?  And then I decided that since it is imaginary I could do them all!!  I think my imaginary boat will even take me to the Grand Canyon!!  When do we start???

Would you mind telling me the three books that helped you most in dealing with your AC issues?  Thanks!! 

I cannot help but wonder if your GC is the one who wants you to attend.  If that is the case you would be going for her if you decide to go.  She has been visiting you for the last two years every three months or so and this could be an indication of how important you are in HER life.  What a pickle!!  Whatever you decide you certainly have my full support!! 

Who says you have to choose?  It is a religious ceremony and you can arrive at the last minute, make sure your DS and GC know you are there and skip out before anything untoward happens.  Win, win. 

Thanks Pooh!!  And once again thanks to everyone who shared their opinion.  It is so nice to have someone to bounce things off of before I act and DH is sick and tired of hearing about it!  LOL!!  I have been fluctuating daily and sometimes hourly on the matter and I can understand that he would be tired of it.  I am tired of feeling it.  I am finally settling down and some of the credit goes to you wonderful ladies who have 'been there, done that' and are willing to share your experiences with the rest of us.  Thanks again and I think we can lock this topic too!!  Thanks again!

I am sorry to have misled you into thinking that my life would be less than full if I was completely estranged from my DS and DIL and any progeny they might produce.  I am just trying to rid myself of any and all guilt in my son's current situation.   I know for a fact that my DIL has threatened suicide over a former boyfriend leaving her and when I called her mother (while she was on the phone with my son before they were dating) I was told by her mother that my DIL was proned to dramatics.  My son may well be less than prepared for the dramatics as I raised him to be very aware of peoples feelings.  Just the thought that I may have, in any fashion, driven him into this relationship is what is bothering me.  Since I am assured by so may people that it is somewhat egotistical to assume that I may have had any credible influence on his present situation is a real relief to me!!  Thank you all so much!!

We (DH and I) went out and harvested oysters by canoe yesterday!  It was muddy and fun and the best part is that we get to eat them....yesterday, today and some for tomorrow too!!  My YS has really enjoyed them too!! 

Thanks again!!

Thank you for all of the wonderful replies!!  I think you can lock this topic unless you think others can learn more from more replies....

Thanks again!!

Thanks for all of your input!  I have decided not to send it....as in my heart I knew from the start it would not help. 

Now I am just struggling with the thought.....could I be the glue in their relationship?  If this really is a rebellion, and the age is right, early twenties, then my reactions may have been a driving force in the marriage.  It actually could be that my continued issues are a uniting factor in their marriage.  I have to wonder.  And if it is a uniting factor can I be two faced enough to act as if she is the most wonderful DIL imaginable??  If I can act that way, for whatever reason, don't you think it will improve things?  At least acting that way, even if it is fake, will make someone other than me the problem.  I wonder if I can do that for the rest of my life?? 

so I am amending it as follows:

.....We managed to overcome the intimidation, overlook the small things and grow a wonderful partnership.

I feel like I have tried to do my part but every time we get together you dissect everything I say looking for an error.  I also know that you have tried too.  I am afraid to open my mouth because I think you will misunderstand what I say and you are afraid to say anything because you feel so intimidated .  If we never speak we will never get to know each other and we will both miss out.  Do you know of a way around this conundrum?



....better???

I know I need more points of view.  Thank you for giving me yours Loise!

I know it is difficult to believe, but I have a mother in law too.  I can still remember that I was afraid to meet her!  She knew all of these things that I did not know.  DH's family was much more socially active than mine was and she knew all about how to cook, entertain, knit, sew, arrange flowers, garden, can foods and so many other things that were quite daunting.  DH was 24 when we married so he had already gone through the 'pull away' phase of every young man's life and I luckily got credit for 'bringing him back' into the fold.  His mother, DS's grandmother, will still tell you that I am the one who straightened him out.  I will gladly take the credit although I know he was growing out of that phase of his life and into the next phase where his family became important to him.

When we first got married I did not know how to cook much.  I could cook some things.  If you ask DS he will tell you that I could not cook spaghetti for him when he was growing up unless DH was gone.  That is because it was one of the cheapest meals I knew how to cook when I got married and I completely burned DH out on it (but I still love it...hehe).  I had a budget of $20 a week for groceries and I could not afford to buy much chicken on that and ground beef is really good for stretching!!  We had enough money for one six pack of beer a week and we enjoyed every ounce of it!  We paid our rent every four weeks  so that we could save the money to pay for Christmas gifts.  Turns out if you pay every four weeks instead of once a month, by the end of the year you have a month paid in advance so we used the extra month's rent for Christmas.  DS may have told you some of this, I have told him often enough he should remember.

We got married and DH and his Dad started to communicate.  We had been married for only about 5 years when FIL died.  He was only 55 when he died and we both miss him every day.  DS would be named Jack but he was born too soon after FIL died and DH could not handle the constant reminder. FIL would have been so proud of his son, my husband, if he had lived to see him today.  He would have been thrilled to know his grandson, your husband.  He would be proud. 

I know that you feel intimidated by me.  I know the feeling because I have been there.  But if you can get over that feeling there is a lot you can learn about the family who raised your husband, the family who loved him and nurtured him (much like you will your baby) and shaped him into the man you wanted to marry.  I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated the support of my mother in law! She was a high school English teacher (probably why I NEVER wrote her, afraid she would correct the letter and send it back!)  I call her and go visit her without DH or anyone else because I love her.  Yes, there were times when she irritated me and times when she made me cry....more than you know!  We managed to overcome the intimidation, overlook the small things and grow a wonderful partnership.

I feel like I have tried to do my part but every time we get together you dissect everything I say looking for an error.  Of course you find one!  I am by no means perfect ! If you truly think it is all my fault so be it.  I will live with that.  All I ask , for DS's sake, is that you try to get to know ME and not assume you know me from what you think you understand. 

I am not really comfortable with you calling me by my first name.....perhaps we can settle on something that will be fitting for FGC to call me.  I am hoping for Mamaw if it is OK with the two of you....

I have been married for 34 years and it is my only marriage as yet.  We kid each other all the time about trading each other in for a newer model or a cuter model or a whatever model.  When he gets on my nerves by doing something I usually say something snippy and we laugh.  At least we do now. 

A few years back we almost divorced.  We even decided to.  We were incredibly miserable!  Who cares how it started, I will tell you how it stopped.  I stopped expecting him to make me happy.  I found other ways to be happy.  The kids were young and he would leave town once or twice a year to go on a 'guys' week or week end and I would be miserable the entire time he was gone.  When I started taking the kids camping during his 'guy time' and enjoying myself and quit letting him control my happiness everything evened out and things have been improving ever since.

So my advice would be to stop trying to change 'things' and change yourself.  The only true change comes from within and you are the only one who can make you happy.

I am starting to use this strategy with my DS and DIL.  I am going to be happy, regardless of whether they are or not.