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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: barelythere on October 07, 2010, 08:50:47 PM

Title: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 07, 2010, 08:50:47 PM
Dil called and they want to meet us for dinner for my Birthday tomorrow night.  I don't know why they are doing this except they do remember us on our birthdays and for that, I'm grateful.  I don't know where we stand with them. 

Husband in the hospital and they don't come by or check on him?  (this was this past summer)

Granddaughter who I practically raised and who loved me so much is now a 13 year old who doesn't seem to want to be with me. You know the Facebook thing and when I go to watch her games, she won't look at me.  She's a sweet girl, don't get me wrong.  The other ones are younger and do want me, though. 

The last time we saw our son, he was angry in his demeanor, even my husband noticed it (he never thinks anything is aimed at him or me, just that our son has a problem.)  Tonight when DIL called, I could hear him in the background all happy, talking to the kids.  So he's doing fine.  He meant all that hatred stuff toward us.  This guy was the most loving guy before his marriage and even up until several years ago. Seems like he'd like to shove us aside now.  They go for the richest people in town, more their style....they are really impressed with money.  They are rolling in it themselves but they do like to associate with others like them.

DIL is being nice now. In the past she has wanted something but this time, there's nothing to get so why do I feel scared about how I will be?  I guess when people have treated you bad in the past, it does scare you. 

I think my concept of a family is not what theirs is.  My son wasn't raised like that at all.  He had such a love for family.  He no longer does.  Not even for his brother.  He's become so self-centered. I'm beginning to wonder if he always was.

So, please help me know how to act when we meet?   I'm feeling very insecure and I'm not insecure normally. 
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: luise.volta on October 07, 2010, 08:57:37 PM
All I can think of is to enjoy yourself without setting yourself up. By that I mean, don't count on it being more or meaning more that it does to them...and appreciate what comes your way. I hope you have a wonderful time!  ;D Sending love...
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 07, 2010, 09:08:16 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on October 07, 2010, 08:57:37 PM
All I can think of is to enjoy yourself without setting yourself up. By that i mean, don't count on it being more or meaning more that it does to them...and appreciate what comes your way. I hope you have a wonderful time!  ;D Sending love...

Thank you...I'm always hoping it's going to be great but it never is what I was hoping for.  I'm looking for a close family unit like I always dreamed and like I see all around me and it never is.  To me, when you're not there for your family, it's not a family.
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: luise.volta on October 07, 2010, 09:41:21 PM
Yes, that's what trips us all up, our expectations. In a perfect they would all be met. We deserve that but more often than not, we don't get our hopes and dreams fulfilled. It's terribly hard. Sending love...
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 07, 2010, 10:02:10 PM
Quote from: LaurieS on October 07, 2010, 09:59:41 PM
Happy Birthday BT
I would accept the step forward that your family is making.  I hope you and your husband have a great time.  Be sure to take your camera, might be a good opportunity to get one or two pictures with your grandkids.

Quote from: barelythere on October 07, 2010, 09:08:16 PM
Thank you...I'm always hoping it's going to be great but it never is what I was hoping for.  I'm looking for a close family unit like I always dreamed and like I see all around me and it never is.  To me, when you're not there for your family, it's not a family.
Right now your family doesn't resemble the picture perfect Rockwell and that's ok.. it's your family... I'll bet if you sat in with some of those perfect families you see, you might be surprised to find what skeletons are in their closets. 

Go, enjoy the evening, you and your family deserves it.

Thank you, Laurie!  I guess I only see the perfectly happy families and not the skeletons.  :'(
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: Nana on October 07, 2010, 10:25:56 PM
Barely there.  Have a Happy day.  You have aprehension because of what has happened in the past.  But relax.....this could be good.  They want to see you (specially son)  so enjoy it.  Dont be nervous....everything will be just fine. 

Please let us know....how it go.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: Pen on October 07, 2010, 11:49:45 PM
Happy Birthday, dear BT...I understand how you feel. The WW are right - try to relax and enjoy being with your family on your special day!

Here's a little trick - think of Queen Elizabeth. Seriously! Picture yourself as a benevolent queen, with the power to forgive others and to reward them with knighthoods or whatever. You don't have to say anything out loud, just think it to yourself. Hold your head up, but not obnoxiously so, just graciously and a bit regally. You don't have to overdo it because you know you are the Queen! Smile that Queen Elizabeth bemused smile. Picture yourself knighting those who would otherwise treat you unpleasantly, because you have the power of forgiveness. Smile some more. Tilt your head just so and listen to the conversation going on around you, nodding appropriately and picturing yourself with a crown on your head. Hey, it works for me. Oh, and I try to get a mani/pedi/hair app't before the big event if I can possibly swing it, and I make sure I wear something that reminds me to "Queen Up" although a real crown is probably pushing it :) When in doubt, lean over and sneak some food to your pretend Corgis (not really.)

Have a wonderful time!!!
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: cremebrulee on October 08, 2010, 04:03:50 AM
 ;D  I'm smiling at Pen's suggestion....good one Pen...

Happy Happy Birthday Girl....

You are Queen for a day, and it's going to be a lovely day....why not, it's the day y ou were born....so, go and have a wonderful time....you are Queen Lizzy....LOL and it's great that the kids invited you out for a dinner....will be thinking about you and sending lots of love....be happy and have a really great day....

Creme
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: Miss Understood on October 08, 2010, 04:38:32 AM
Happy Birthday BT!
I'd be yourself...enjoy yourself, don't let them feel your fear. Take this as a stretch of communication (which is better than none)
You are stronger, wiser and you see the truth...keep that in the back of your mind, but enjoy your day and the dinner. It will be o.k. You will get through it in flying colors.
SMILE :)
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 08, 2010, 06:23:12 AM
Quote from: Pen on October 07, 2010, 11:49:45 PM
Happy Birthday, dear BT...I understand how you feel. The WW are right - try to relax and enjoy being with your family on your special day!

Here's a little trick - think of Queen Elizabeth. Seriously! Picture yourself as a benevolent queen, with the power to forgive others and to reward them with knighthoods or whatever. You don't have to say anything out loud, just think it to yourself. Hold your head up, but not obnoxiously so, just graciously and a bit regally. You don't have to overdo it because you know you are the Queen! Smile that Queen Elizabeth bemused smile. Picture yourself knighting those who would otherwise treat you unpleasantly, because you have the power of forgiveness. Smile some more. Tilt your head just so and listen to the conversation going on around you, nodding appropriately and picturing yourself with a crown on your head. Hey, it works for me. Oh, and I try to get a mani/pedi/hair app't before the big event if I can possibly swing it, and I make sure I wear something that reminds me to "Queen Up" although a real crown is probably pushing it :) When in doubt, lean over and sneak some food to your pretend Corgis (not really.)

Have a wonderful time!!!

Thank you to all of you!  All such good advice...you know how I feel, most of you.  It makes you feel scared.  I am the Queen, though so watch out!  I rule??? :(
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: Pen on October 08, 2010, 06:57:27 AM
BT, you're not the "off with their heads" style of queen. Think less 'ruler' and more 'kind, accepting role-model.'   :D

The trick is to have images or objects that remind you of your confident, centered, fulfilled self who has a great life apart from all the IL drama and hoo-ha. If you act needy, emotional, or insecure it may affect how others see you...your true self won't be able to shine through.
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 08, 2010, 07:05:52 AM
Quote from: Pen on October 08, 2010, 06:57:27 AM
BT, you're not the "off with their heads" style of queen. Think less 'ruler' and more 'kind, accepting role-model.'   :D

The trick is to have images or objects that remind you of your confident, centered, fulfilled self who has a great life apart from all the IL drama and hoo-ha. If you act needy, emotional, or insecure it may affect how others see you...your true self won't be able to shine through.

Oh Geeeeze, tall order but I'm going to visualize myself as (I can't think of anyone yet)  :-\  I have to expect nothing.  That's the trick. 
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: Pen on October 08, 2010, 07:45:51 AM
You'll do well! Don't forget to enjoy your day!  :)
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: free_at_last on October 08, 2010, 07:47:00 AM
Try to keep it in your mind that this is a good thing, they want to spend time with you!  I love Pen's idea of getting your nails and hair done before the event....anything that will give you confidence.  Enjoy this for what it is...a special time with them, and try not to look for hidden meaning in things they say or do.  Don't worry if your gd acts a little stand-offish or even snotty at times...she is 13 and acting like a 13 year old...it may take a couple years but she will outgrow that attitude...try not to take it personally.  Happy Birthday and have fun!
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 08, 2010, 07:58:11 AM
Quote from: free_at_last on October 08, 2010, 07:47:00 AM
Try to keep it in your mind that this is a good thing, they want to spend time with you!  I love Pen's idea of getting your nails and hair done before the event....anything that will give you confidence.  Enjoy this for what it is...a special time with them, and try not to look for hidden meaning in things they say or do.  Don't worry if your gd acts a little stand-offish or even snotty at times...she is 13 and acting like a 13 year old...it may take a couple years but she will outgrow that attitude...try not to take it personally.  Happy Birthday and have fun!

Thank you, Free.  I will live on those words.  Some of you don't know how much your kind words mean to us!  Thank you...
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: erma on October 08, 2010, 08:08:02 AM
happy birthday BT!!  reading your post, it could have come from me! our DIL and son sound one in the same. money, only calling when they need or want something. sheesh! but i think all these ladies are right! go have a mane/pede, spoil yourself, and enjoy your visit with your grandbabys. i understand all to well the feeling of once bitten twice shy, try not to let that creep into your thoughts. keep positive, stay true to yourself, be the loving mom and grandmother that you are, and enjoy!
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 08, 2010, 08:16:32 AM
Thank you, Erma  :)  I think as Mothers, we just want to be needed and loved.  That's all.  I will let you all know. 
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: justus on October 08, 2010, 12:06:11 PM
The best advice I have is to take it all at face value. They are doing something nice for you, so graciously accept it for what it is without expecting more.

As far as the 13yo goes, I remember when my girls turned 13, they became beasts. I have a friend, a chemist, whose DD turned 13 last year. She did some research into why her DD had become this strange person. One of the articles she found compared 13 year old females to wildebeests in the jungle. I guess parts of their brains go off line while they are literally being rewired. The only thing you can do is ride it out until she becomes human again around the age of 16 when she will actually be pleasant to be around, but, then she will have a car and tons of friends and a boyfriend, and you will be at the bottom of the list of people she is going to go out of her way to spend time with. It isn't personal, it is just the way the world works now.

My M took it personal and ended up driving off both of my girls. Why would they want to spend time with a woman who was constantly complaining about how little they saw her? They saw her less, she complained the entire time she saw them, so, they saw her less and less. I warned her that she better start being pleasant to be around and to reign in her jealousy, but she didn't listen. Both of my DDs are in their mid-twenties and neither of them have a relationship to speak of with their GM because even now all she does is guilt trip them and talk about the golden granddaughter.

I wouldn't over analyze your son's anger the last time he saw you. Could be he was upset at his DD given she didn't seem to be too happy either. You cannot do anything about problems you don't know about, so don't worry about it and don't assume it was about you unless he actually talks to you about it. Lets face it, as our kids go to college, get jobs, get married and have kids, we Moms move further and further down the list. We are not even close to the center of their universe. Chances are his anger has nothing to do with you. If it does, you cannot be expected to do anything about it unless he pulls on his big boy pants and talks to you about it. So, don't borrow trouble.

Go to this dinner and have a good time. Assume nothing is wrong and assume they don't want anything other than to celebrate your birthday. Whenever you look at your sullen 13 year old GD, think "wildebeest," smile lovingly at her and let it go. Don't wast energy on worrying to much over things you cannot control.

Oh, and have a great birthday. It is my birthday, too.
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 08, 2010, 12:16:03 PM
Quote from: justus on October 08, 2010, 12:06:11 PM
The best advice I have is to take it all at face value. They are doing something nice for you, so graciously accept it for what it is without expecting more.

As far as the 13yo goes, I remember when my girls turned 13, they became beasts. I have a friend, a chemist, whose DD turned 13 last year. She did some research into why her DD had become this strange person. One of the articles she found compared 13 year old females to wildebeests in the jungle. I guess parts of their brains go off line while they are literally being rewired. The only thing you can do is ride it out until she becomes human again around the age of 16 when she will actually be pleasant to be around, but, then she will have a car and tons of friends and a boyfriend, and you will be at the bottom of the list of people she is going to go out of her way to spend time with. It isn't personal, it is just the way the world works now.

My M took it personal and ended up driving off both of my girls. Why would they want to spend time with a woman who was constantly complaining about how little they saw her? They saw her less, she complained the entire time she saw them, so, they saw her less and less. I warned her that she better start being pleasant to be around and to reign in her jealousy, but she didn't listen. Both of my DDs are in their mid-twenties and neither of them have a relationship to speak of with their GM because even now all she does is guilt trip them and talk about the golden granddaughter.

I wouldn't over analyze your son's anger the last time he saw you. Could be he was upset at his DD given she didn't seem to be too happy either. You cannot do anything about problems you don't know about, so don't worry about it and don't assume it was about you unless he actually talks to you about it. Lets face it, as our kids go to college, get jobs, get married and have kids, we Moms move further and further down the list. We are not even close to the center of their universe. Chances are his anger has nothing to do with you. If it does, you cannot be expected to do anything about it unless he pulls on his big boy pants and talks to you about it. So, don't borrow trouble.

Go to this dinner and have a good time. Assume nothing is wrong and assume they don't want anything other than to celebrate your birthday. Whenever you look at your sullen 13 year old GD, think "wildebeest," smile lovingly at her and let it go. Don't wast energy on worrying to much over things you cannot control.

Oh, and have a great birthday. It is my birthday, too.

Thank you so much...I will go tonight and try to remember all this.  Our GDaughter is very popular in her school, she's very pretty and used to love me so much; I was her favorite person in the world.  Now, it's her friends but up until last week, she was at least looking at me in the stands at her games. She faces the people in the bleachers.  I am terrified that our son won't come tonight and also terrified that GD won't come.  Oh my goodness, I am borrowing trouble.  I have to get myself together and not lose hope.  Having kids is too costly when your heart is as sensitive as mine is.  Thank you for writing me.
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: luise.volta on October 08, 2010, 12:34:07 PM
Happy birthday to you both!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: barelythere on October 08, 2010, 12:41:15 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on October 08, 2010, 12:34:07 PM
Happy birthday to you both!!  ;D ;D

Thank you. :) Another year older and.....you know the rest
Title: Re: Need help on how to act
Post by: Nana on October 08, 2010, 06:18:08 PM
Happy Birthday Barelythere

A day to enjoy.  Noone cant make you feel bad without your permission.

Hugs and Kisses to you

Love