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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: erma on November 09, 2010, 11:06:22 AM

Title: puzzeled
Post by: erma on November 09, 2010, 11:06:22 AM
need some help figuring this one out. or even if i should.....  i just received an email from my DIL, she emailed me a "thanks for the birthday present"!!!   
OMG! she has NEVER said thank you, or even acknowledged gifts from us! this was over a week ago, and just now she emails??  this just kinda blindsided me after the incidents we are still reeling from.
is she feeling guilty for shopping and not coming to our family's side?  is she feeling me out to see where were at with it? this is what i think, but maybe not.
puzzling................ :o
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: barelythere on November 09, 2010, 11:13:49 AM
Quote from: erma on November 09, 2010, 11:06:22 AM
need some help figuring this one out. or even if i should.....  i just received an email from my DIL, she emailed me a "thanks for the birthday present"!!!   
OMG! she has NEVER said thank you, or even acknowledged gifts from us! this was over a week ago, and just now she emails??  this just kinda blindsided me after the incidents we are still reeling from.
is she feeling guilty for shopping and not coming to our family's side?  is she feeling me out to see where were at with it? this is what i think, but maybe not.
puzzling................ :o

Yes, of course she's feeling you out to see how hurt they got you.   Of course you're hurt.  No normal human being would not be hurt by the stunt she/he pulled.  Her showing up (his too) was not for the dying person or anyone else.  It was to be there for you. YOU.

I say, let her sweat.  Honestly, if you give in and email her right now, she/he will continue in their ways, which is they have no manners, do what they want to do, when they want to do it.  If you say anything, say, "glad you like it" 
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 09, 2010, 11:24:18 AM
Trying to figure out what people are thing and why they do what they do is  IMHO an exercise in futility.  :o
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: erma on November 09, 2010, 11:38:43 AM
thanks bt and luise. well put.
so........... i emailed back and simple said, "glad you liked it"  :-X  but i have to say, i really wanted ds to show up for GM, not for me. she lights up when she sees him.  his loss, not mine. since hes been married, things have changed. the family knows who he used to be and who he is now. 2 different people. no reflection on us at all. the family knows.
but i refuse to believe that his heart has become stone.
my hurt is for my son. he has to deal with his consequences, not me.
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: barelythere on November 09, 2010, 11:42:48 AM
Quote from: erma on November 09, 2010, 11:38:43 AM
thanks bt and luise. well put.
so........... i emailed back and simple said, "glad you liked it"  :-X  but i have to say, i really wanted ds to show up for GM, not for me. she lights up when she sees him.  his loss, not mine. since hes been married, things have changed. the family knows who he used to be and who he is now. 2 different people. no reflection on us at all. the family knows.
but i refuse to believe that his heart has become stone.
my hurt is for my son. he has to deal with his consequences, not me.

Great, now hang on!!   :-X
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 09, 2010, 11:45:55 AM
Good for you for seeing that. Now, when you doubt it (and you might) let us know and we will reinforce it
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: erma on November 09, 2010, 12:08:34 PM
hanging on, and please, yes please, reinforce!!!   thank you.  :-X
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 09, 2010, 12:49:19 PM
Sending tons of good stuff your way!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Renet on November 09, 2010, 06:29:25 PM
Erma......my hubby is always telling me..."do not have expectations that anything you do will make a difference."   I would agree.   And when something so unexpected happens appreciate it for the moment, but do not think things have changed....  That is where you will get hurt time and time again.....  Trust me I know.....  Keep your guard up.   Which is not an unkind thing...It is simple self preservation.     
Ever time my Daughter sends something from my granddaughter I think  "Oh my gosh, she is trying."   But I also sit back and think that I am too willing to jump at every little crumb thrown my way.   

Erma, realize this is a crumb....albeit crumbs to us often represent a loaf of  the finest Artisan Bread available!!!!!!   

Hugs dear Emma, hugs........ :)
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Pen on November 09, 2010, 06:32:59 PM
Hang tight, Erma. We're here for ya!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: jomama on November 09, 2010, 10:30:00 PM
Erma- if this were my dd, I'd tell you to brace yourself. She's about to do something really nasty to you. She'll do whatever is necessary to provoke the reaction she needs from you.
You've been her victim for a long time, she'll try and put you in your place! Watch what happens when you don't go.
Hang in there! We're here for ya!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: dablacks on November 10, 2010, 04:52:09 AM
Quote from: jomama on November 09, 2010, 10:30:00 PM
Erma- if this were my dd, I'd tell you to brace yourself. She's about to do something really nasty to you. She'll do whatever is necessary to provoke the reaction she needs from you.
You've been her victim for a long time, she'll try and put you in your place! Watch what happens when you don't go.
Hang in there! We're here for ya!


This is so familiar, Stick to your guns and don't play this game. Great Advice Jomama!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: free_at_last on November 10, 2010, 05:22:36 AM
I think your response was totally appropriate.  No need to embellish, and no need to bring up the weekend (which was completely unrelated to the gift and the thank you...there is no reason to connect the two), and ignoring it completely would have made you look like the jerk in this scenario.  You got a "thank you", which you stated last week that you wanted, there is no need to look for an ulterior motive.  Why not just take it at face value?
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: MrsKitty on November 11, 2010, 03:51:24 PM
Hi Erma.
I have been lurking here for a few days w/out posting. I haven't read your whole story, so I may be missing something. However, I found it odd that you had posted previously that you were unhappy that the dil didn't say thank you for her present. Now, she has said thank you and you are upset again. It seems like you are upset if she thanks you, and upset if she doesn't thank you. Sorry if I am missing something, but this just seems odd to me that you would get upset either way.
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 11, 2010, 03:57:17 PM
I think she will probably explain but to me it looks like  the "walking on eggshells" syndrome. Sending love...
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Tara on November 11, 2010, 04:02:54 PM
Ah yes, I know that symdrome!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: erma on November 11, 2010, 04:45:19 PM
yes, it may seem that way. she thanked us (let alone, emailed us) for the first time in a very long time, (6 years) and she did it through email a week AFTER she received her b-day present from us. now, she has not thanked us in years, she complains to ds, and we hear bits and pieces from him.
the only reason she emailed was to get us to bite on her hook, and see if we would comment on them not showing up for GM's "last holiday".    we didn't bite.   no more words, no more emails. when i replied to her email, i simple said, "glad you liked it" as someone so wisely referred on here.   ;)  and guess what? NO RECOIL!!
i have learned from dealing with this for a number of years now, that she, (dil) sets me up, i react out of heartache, she transforms my reaction into her loathsome idea of a lie, purges her victimized lie onto my ds, and behold! i am a monster!
now, i was delighted she said thank you for the b-day gift. however, this was not her true intention for the email.   no, her email was cloaked with a worm for me to bite. 
i feel a small victory for myself and my dh. no reaction= no action= calm waters for now :-X
beleive me, i long for the day when i can take dil "at face value"  im ok for now. reading, learning, self pampering. i dont want to think this will be this way forever, but if it is to be, then so be it. meanwhile, i am taking care of me. i am in the " re-vamp, revise, re-doo my dippity doo" mode!! :)
AND ds did call us today to ask about a date to watch gc overnite!!!   ;D
cheers ladies!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 11, 2010, 04:53:23 PM
Whee!!! Wow!! Yes!!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Tara on November 12, 2010, 12:23:50 AM
Thats great Erma!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: justdontunderstand on November 12, 2010, 08:22:45 AM
Luise,
The "walking on eggshells" game is the one I struggle the most to stop playing. Because our DIL is such an unknown to us (years of being ignored) we are off balance around her.

I feel like I am under a microscope even though we live over a 1000 miles away and haven't seen her in over a year...haven't talked to her in nearly a year. It is NUTS!

The craziness comes from my heart wanting to have something that is not going to be----a DIL who actually sees that her husband (our DS) is who he is at least in part because he was raised by kind and loving people. HOW DOES SHE REJECT THE VERY PEOPLE WHO NURTURED AND LOVED THE MAN SHE MARRIED? I simply don't get it!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 12, 2010, 08:34:26 AM
That's one of the biggest assignments we have to work through here...to know that there is no "why." We cant make sense of what is basically senseless. We can only change directions regarding our expectations. And it is often nearly impossible.  Notice the word "nearly." Therein lies our hope...
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Tara on November 12, 2010, 08:49:53 AM
OK, I'd like to hear from WW about how to stop walking on eggs.
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 12, 2010, 09:01:52 AM
Oh, that sounds really messy! Isn't it walking on eggs shells?  :o :o

My concept is that we need to look and see where they are and not go there. Another one of those simple but not easy things. Egg shell mine fields are created by others (most of the time) and then they watch us try to get through them. Crunch, crackle, snap...ouch!!
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Tara on November 12, 2010, 04:32:57 PM

Oh, that sounds really messy! Isn't it walking on eggs shells?  :o :o

My concept is that we need to look and see where they are and not go there. Another one of those simple but not easy things. Egg shell mine fields are created by others (most of the time) and then they watch us try to get through them. Crunch, crackle, snap...ouch!!
[/quote]

Luise,  I love your humor.
I dont really understand what you are saying about looking where they are and not go there.  and Egg shell mine fields are created by others and then they watch us try to get through them.

this eludes me!  can you say more?
I do know I walk on alot of egg shells. 
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 12, 2010, 04:47:41 PM
Well, they aren't your egg shells. Someone placed them there to make you vastly uncomfortable. The trick is to see them and avoid them whenever at all possible. Maybe saying to ourselves..."I feel uncomfortable about this...I think I'll decline the invitation." Lots has been written here about being set up and knowing it. And lots has been written about ways not to go there.

When we get to "darned if we do and darned if we don't"...stopping the "game" is an option. Often we're intimidated when others play "take-away." But we can say no and stop being the victim of the egg shell mine field.

There's a price, usually...a loss of some kind but many of us have pulled ourselves out of conflict  that way. Self-love and self-worth often follow.

Just kind of thinking through my fingers...
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Tara on November 12, 2010, 05:10:03 PM
Thanks Luise,

Is it kind of like feeling like it was highly risk to travel to see my son and DIL when they were being so difficult and politely
cancelling the plan?



Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Tara on November 12, 2010, 05:11:20 PM
or is it chosing not to engage when the situation feels uncomfortable?
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: luise.volta on November 12, 2010, 05:23:06 PM
It could be both... but if you do the the former you often don't have to cope with the later. When we know for sure that others are "playing" us...we have options. Our being moms and our caring deeply gets in the way, though. We  have expectations and when they die...we cling to hope. It can be a long, drawn-out process. Sending love...
Title: Re: puzzeled
Post by: Tara on November 12, 2010, 09:12:32 PM

Thanks very much

This is deep and powerful and beautiful too!