WiseWomenUnite.com

This holiday finds Pen & family doing OK on the DS/DIL front...we'll see them on The Day, and I'm grateful for that. I'm working on not comparing my situation with many of my friends who get more time and jolly togetherness w/their brood, and I'm actually enjoying these days with just DH. What a change from a couple of years ago!

However, it's an emotional time of year for many reasons...recent devastating events, the stress and overload of commercial stimuli, expectations we put on ourselves, baggage from the past, etc. My heart breaks for those who are struggling this year.

We must be kind to ourselves. We must find a moment in the day to be gentle, loving and accepting of ourselves with all our lumps, bumps, and bruises. It could be a moment of reflection or something more tangible like enjoying a cup of tea or getting a manicure. We've been through a lot, many of us...we'll likely go through a bit more before we're done. We need to give ourselves a hug.

The webmaster here, our valiant Kirk (Luise's DS), has done some upgrading which ultimately makes things better but might require some of you to do some clearing and flushing, lol (I had to; it's not difficult.)

From Kirk:

Depending on your computer's configuration, you may need to clear your web browser's "cache" (not cookies) to view your site on the new server:

http://kb.iu.edu/data/ahic.html

And a small number of you may need to flush your DNS to view your site on the new server:

http://www.whatsmydns.net/flush-dns.html

I had to restart my computer for it to take effect.

Hi, all -

I was wondering why no one was posting lately and it occurred to me that perhaps some of you were concerned about the obvious spammer names that were showing up as new members. These spammers are generated as robo-names and cannot get through to our accounts or even post. Once in awhile a spam post gets through, but if we refrain from clicking on any links within the post we're just fine.

For quite some time I was trying to eradicate the spammer accounts, but it got out of hand. We will take immediate action to eradicate any spam posts that do get through, but they are few and far between.

Please continue to post! We've got a great webmaster, Kirk, who takes fabulous care of us

Perhaps we're all doing so well we have no need for feedback these days - now that would be wonderful!!

Netflix has this available to stream, but I'm sure you can find it elsewhere too:

http://www.thehappymovie.com/

We dry-brine our turkey since we buy an all-natural (unflavored) bird. This is now our standby, it turns out wonderfully every year:
http://www.latimes.com/features/food/dailydish/la-dd-thanksgiving-recipe-drybrined-turkey-20121116,0,3892634.story

Since we have food allergies (I know, what a pain) I'm making this with GF/CF alterations this year instead of pie. Here's the "regular" version, which is a hit with everyone who tries it:
http://www.food.com/recipe/easy-upside-down-pumpkin-pie-264550

We love these roasted root vegs! http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/oven-roasted-roots-10000000523193/ I throw in parsnips, sometimes halved Brussels sprouts.

After a month and a half since DH b-day disaster, DS called (DIL was not around) and mentioned that he'd see us on T-day. I then told him of our time change (back to early afternoon after a few years of accomodating DIL's FOO by changing to evening) and he said that was fine as he didn't know what the ILs were doing anyway. They've had something come up that may change their plans. He chatted for a couple of minutes, friendly and jovial.

I'm going with it - who knows how the next encounter will go? He keeps me guessing, lol. I think I'm finely understanding that he wants us to live our own lives, make our own plans, and if he feels like fitting in somewhere, and it's convenient for him, he will.

No overthinking it, no bitterness because he only calls when DIL isn't around, no second guessing...well, I'm working on it, anyway. I think this is the best it can be for now, and I'm grateful my dire predictions of a cutoff haven't come to pass. Moving on!

My DH has much more patience & trust than I. For the past few weeks I've been dealing with residual feelings from our disastrous b-day visit & concerns about the upcoming holidays. DH doesn't say much 'cos he's generally a quiet guy, but also because he doesn't want to make me more upset.

Today DH reminded me that DS had said a few things during the b-day disaster visit, and other times, to let us know we're still loved and appreciated. DS has to "code" his comments and slip them in quietly so DIL doesn't get upset, but he does say them and that's what counts. In looking for a big, splashy declaration of love & loyalty, I've missed the subtleties...but DH, in his patient, trusting & quiet way hears & remembers the little things that mean so much now that things are strained.

Cultivating more patience & trust regarding DS will help DS, DH & I feel less stress and helplessness, so I'm going to work on that.

DH & I decided a couple of months ago to "take back" Thanksgiving after years of accommodating DS due to his IL's demands (he & DIL would go to DIL's FOO for a big meal at noon & then come to our house for another dinner in the evening.)

But, things have been tense lately and I'm afraid DS will feel as if we're rejecting him if we switch back to our earlier time; DIL absolutely will not forgo Thanksgiving w/her FOO (she has been very clear about this.)

If things weren't so strained between us I would simply explain that an earlier time is more convenient for us, and invite them for dessert & coffee (and a turkey dinner doggie bag, lol.) Normally people would be able to discuss this like grown ups, but we're not dealing with a normal situation here. I do not want DS to slip further away but I sense that's what's happening & I'm really sad about it. DH says to stick w/ our plan to go back to our earlier dinnertime, so we will...but I can't shake this feeling of impending doom. Kinda takes some of the joy out of the season, which used to be my very favorite time of year!

The b-day celebration for DH was horrible.

DIL was obviously unhappy about "having to" spend time w/us, DS was embarrassed and vacillated between trying to be nice to us and joining DIL in dismissing us, DIL zinged me with "DS gets so stressed out just thinking about being around you!" and then lied about me ("Your mother wouldn't even talk to me!") I had tried several times but got one word responses.

Epic fail, after I spent a lot of money on tix they supposedly wanted & a dinner they seemed to enjoy (even though the restaurant was one they criticised but wouldn't suggest an alternative to.) DH was very uncomfortable but kept quiet. He didn't even receive a card from them, let alone a gift. I was still up at 3:00 am sitting alone outside after we got home, drinking warm milk & honey while alternating between rage & tears. I'm humiliated, angry, ashamed, hurt, and very, very tired.

Lesson learned (again.) DIL's FOO is the only one they need. Heart broken. Estrangement likely.

Two steps forward, one step back -

DS just told me I was too wimpy & insecure. I'd called to ask for input on an upcoming family celebration, hoping that as adults we could discuss possibilities and come to a consensus that worked for all. He & DIL want me to plan it; if it's something they don't want to do, they won't. So, I guess I get one shot to get it right...if I blow it, we lose out (small family, not much of a celebration w/o everyone there.)

I thought I was being thoughtful and accomodating - they see it differently. The writing is on the wall, but I don't want to accept it today. It's obvious that we're not worthy & they aren't interested in us, but we've not been officially cut off since DS still feels obligated to pretend we're a family. Darn...just when I thought I was making good progress    

We're spinning our wheels when we rehash old hurts over & over again. Yes, they do pop up and they are valid, but IMO we can quickly get stuck in a depressing, angry rut when we wallow righteously in our pain & sadness. We may have legitimate issues, our treatment might be unfair and we might have every right to feel as if we are being used and abused. However, spending all our time feeling sorry for ourselves and angry towards those who've "done us wrong" only creates more of what we are miserable about!

As the holidays approach, some of us may need to adjust our outlooks before we head down a path we can't get off. In my own life, I have noticed that I retreat back into unproductive behavior and reactions when I feel threatened or lonely. This year I'm going to work on my emotional and mental health & fitness as well as my physical health & fitness so I can enjoy the blessings of the season and beyond.

The brutal truth, and the founding belief behind this site, is that we can only change ourselves & our reaction to the behavior of others. We cannot change others. Progress towards healing is limited when we insist on staying stuck in a never-ending spiral of anger and blame.

This is not to say that others aren't doing awful things to some of us. However, if we treat ourselves just as badly by keeping ourselves stuck in a miserable rut, we're essentially agreeing with the perpetrators that that is what we deserve. IMO, none of us deserve to be treated badly by others or by our own selves.

Let's reclaim our holidays & our lives!

In your opinion should the burden of travel be on the ones who moved away or the ones who stayed put?

Because DH & I choose not to push ourselves on DS/DIL, DIL gets a happy, IL-free life & we get crumbs. Having a rough day, wish we could get what we want once in awhile...can't speak up w/o causing a major rift, but if we stay silent it's assumed we're fine with it all. Tough position.

Here's the thing: DS (rightly) wants to please DIL. DIL isn't at all interested in spending time with us & has made it clear to DS. So, DS spends his precious free time w/DIL (rightly so) and her FOO because that's what DIL wants. DS does what he can to see his own FOO, but he's not going to jeopardize his marriage for us, understandably. It's how he was raised, BTW. Kudos to us!

In my situation I do blame DIL for taking advantage of DS's love & commitment. If she could accept us, DS would be more comfortable spending time w/us. It's weird that the only time he can call or visit is when she's away.

I hope everyone is well & survived The Day (US M-Day) intact.

As predicted, DS spent M-Day w/DIL's DM. My plan (bra shopping, manicure, dressing up & going out to a fabulous dinner the night before w/my old BFFs) worked out for me; I'm glad I didn't sit around focusing on M-Day. DH had a nice meal ready when I got home (he usually doesn't do anything since I'm not his mother, lol.) My point was made & I survived, was even able to help my DBFF pick out flowers for her mom w/o getting all emotional & bizarre. When DS called I didn't get all weird & needy 

Truthfully, it was more fun than cooking a big dinner, waiting for DS/DIL to grace us w/their presence, cleaning up, and feeling as if I were an obligation rather than someone they enjoyed seeing. I have a feeling the royal commands from DIL's DM will grate on their nerves eventually.

I heard from DS! Apologies, plans, reassurances...nice call. He kinda called me out for my jealousy, which I totally deserved. And he listened to me. Yay!

I've been thinking about how we view ourselves through the eyes of others. If we have a tendency to doubt ourselves (or low self-esteem) we can be swayed by those who disparage us into believing we're not worthy. That would be me 

Yesterday I met with my longtime group of colleagues that has, after 15+ years, turned into a support group of friends/sisters. We share a few interests but we all differ in personality, approaches to problem-solving, childrearing, professional issues, etc. Ages span from late thirties with preteen or younger children to recently retired w/ adult children. Each of us are going through our own unique challenges and yet some of us have already been down a similar path. There have been surprises, disasters, lucky breaks, humorous incidents, failures and successes. We've discussed them all, given support/encouragement as needed.

I guess I always thought (ok, assumed) that when my DC (& that would now mean DS, not DDD for obvious reasons) grew up our relationship would be a little more like that. Not sharing the grisly details, obviously, but give and take discussions based on mutual love and respect. Even in my weird FOO we've had that, so it wasn't too crazy for me to think it might be possible in my family.

DS used to praise me to his professors and enjoy talking with me about all kinds of topics. Well, dynamics have changed. I've been put in a category (old, stupid, boring, not worthy of attention) by DS/DIL/her FOO. Hmmm, funny that my friends still find me youthful, humorous, well-read, interesting, lively, aware and fun! So I'm going to focus more on them and less on DS/DIL. I'm not going to judge myself based on how a couple of entitled, bratty, self-centered, rude, shallow people treat me.

I'm so sick and tired of hearing about DIL's FOO's vast wealth and extravagant spending habits I could scream. That's all.

I don't ask for anything from DS -  not holidays, birthdays, vacations, errands, tech stuff, help w/stuff around the house, etc. I asked one thing of him a couple of weeks ago which he agreed was very important for him to do. Turns out he can't now due, in a roundabout way, to his ILs.

So, I said something. You all know how closed-mouthed I've been so far...but this time, because it is a 'one time very important thing,' I told him how sorry I was that he had this other issue come up that he really cannot get out of it & that I do understand, but I was very disappointed & felt as if we weren't as important as the ILs. He denied that was the case & asked if I was angry; I told him no, just feeling let down.

I lied; I find that I actually am a little angry. And, I wish I hadn't mentioned feeling less important than the ILs. Darn it, I was making such progress! I hope and pray I haven't ruined everything.

I've been thinking a lot lately about DS's gradual morphing into a member of his IL's FOO and why it hurts me so. I've come to the conclusion that aside from missing his presence, I'm afraid that our family history & stories will be lost forever. DDD isn't going to keep them alive; it's up to DS. If he's not interested, or if such an endeavor isn't validated by his "new" family, it all ends with me. How sad. He has the right to do this if it only impacts himself but what about the impact on his kids and grandchildren? Does he have the right to cut them off from their ancestors
w/o their permission? He comes from an amazing family...their stories should be known by generations to  come.

I've also been thinking about those people who cut-off their Ps or ILs. My GM did that; we have no information about her family. No medical info, no genealogical info, nothing. She refused to discuss it with her DH or DS (my dad.) Obviously she had the ability to do so, but was it morally responsible to do so?

My problems are minuscule compared to most posters here, so it's embarrassing to write this.

How do I get over feeling envious of DIL's parents? I'm OK w/o seeing DS week after week until I hear that he & DIL are visiting her FOO yet again. They all work together, call/text each other many times a day, and see DIL's FOO every weekend, all holidays, yadda yadda.

The minute I hear "we're on our way to DIL's parents" I suddenly have a physical and emotional reaction (not visibly, thank goodness!) I am able, thanks to this site and everyone's support, to go on with my day and not obsess...but it bothers me that it still bothers me.

DH & I gave DS & DIL tickets to an event held today that we couldn't attend. DS called afterwards to thank us and tell us all about it. I was glad they had a good time. We had a pleasant conversation, I felt great - until their plans for the afternoon were mentioned. Of course I didn't let on, told them to have fun and to say "hi" to the ILs for us ...but inside I felt like molten lava was creeping throughout the inside of my body from head to toe.

My goal is to overcome this on the inside as well as the outside! Not doing too well, apparently